


The essence of love and failure

by DredgenAer, DredgenTrust



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Accidental Death, Aftercare, Anal Sex, And fucking the wound, Angst, At least perceived dubcon, Biting, Blindfolds, Blood, Blood Drinking, Blood and Gore, Blow Jobs, Burning, Burnplay, Cannibalism, Choking, Coitus Interruptus, Collars, Consensual Killing, Cuddling, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Developing Relationship, Dinner date on the Derelict, Dom/sub, Dreamsharing, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Lovers, Exhibitionism, Eye Gouging, Eye Trauma, Flashbacks, Fluff, Frozen to death, Gore, Gunplay, Hand Feeding, Hard vore, Heavy Petting, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Porn, Knifeplay, Listen folks.... There's a fair amount of blood, Literal Heart Eating, Literally cutting someone open, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multiple Penetration, Mutilation, Non-Sexual Submission, Ownership, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Paralysis, Partial Mind Control, Possessive Drifter, Praise Kink, Protective Drifter, RP log, Reactive depression, Resolved Sexual Tension, S&M, Self-Harm, Sensory Deprivation, Service Submission, Sharing a Bed, Shin Malphur has ADHD, Shin has office hours and revolutionises the vanguard job position, Spinal Trauma, Strangulation, Subspace, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, Tentacle Sex, The Deep, The Nine - Freeform, Topping from the Bottom, Touch-Starved, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Violence, Vivisection, Vomiting, Wall Sex, Worm pact, arguably?, basically there's a lot of tension, death kink, drifter panics a lil about manufactured consent and subconscious coercion I guess, dubcon, face fucking, light play, low mood, mental bond, serotonin syndrome, throat cutting, tongue removal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2020-12-07 17:07:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 269,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20979386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DredgenAer/pseuds/DredgenAer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DredgenTrust/pseuds/DredgenTrust
Summary: His tongue shot out to lick against his lips, mouth dry and muscles tense. "I need you to kill me. Clean me, make it all... new." He swallowed, a lump in his throat and the burning in his chest sofierce. "Please.Please." he tightened his grip around the gun and Drifter's hand, shaking ever so slightly.(Cleaned up RP log between Rouke / DredgenAer, who writes Drifter, and Dave / DredgenTrust, who writes Shin.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Richard Siken, whose poetry is weirdly relevant and keeps calling us out after we write something Particularly Dubious. Sorry Mr Siken. This one's for you.

The nightmares came to Drifter all too often these days. Almost every time he closed his eyes. When he couldn't ignore his body's need for sleep any longer, the rogue lightbearer had taken to having his Ghost wake him up every two hours, so he wouldn't get too lost in them. It was taking its toll on him, and he probably looked more tired than ever, but for now, it worked.

Technically, he could go back to sleep after the two hours were up, but most often he just gave up on it entirely. When he woke up in a cold sweat that night, he knew it would be one of those times. He hurriedly got up and left his ship, taking a transmat down to the Tower, wanting to be far away from the thing tied to the Derelict.

Almost on autopilot, he started walking towards the annex, but soon thought better of it when he imagined guardians coming to look for him there. Even now during the middle of the night, there were always some around. Instead, Drifter took a right turn in the corridors and ended up in one of the oft-forgotten spaces between the annex and the hangar. He could see the starts from here, and the sleeping city sprawling below them. There were much worse places to pass the time.

* * *

Whoever had designed this area of the Tower had clearly been a sadist of the worst degree. Featureless corridors piled high with abandoned goods, lights spaced just frequently enough that the night vision on his helmet was worthless, and just infrequently enough to be a nightmare to see by. That he had to find his way around looking through tinted glass was its own problem, but like hell would he be taking the damn thing off.

No, this would be a quick in and out. Figure out the lay of the land, hopefully find a file on all those new - ha - Dredgen. Maybe take another look at the damn banks that he had on site, try to figure out what the hell made them tick. And then, crucially, get the hell out without anybody being the wiser. At least, that had been the intent half an hour ago when he'd snuck in through one of the damaged areas. He had to be close by now, but every minute wandering this place frayed another nerve Shin didn't have to spare.

* * *

He hadn't been there long when he started hearing someone walking around somewhere behind him, in the maze that was the annex. Then, though distant, something that could have been swearing. Drifter chuckled tiredly. Many of the people who thought they were used to navigating the Tower didn't really end up visiting the more out of the way corridors of areas like the annex, and then couldn't make sense of them once they were in it.

The noises kept getting closer, though, and he could almost swear that the voice was slightly familiar. The rogue Lightbearer decided to step back into one of the darker corners, keeping himself hidden, just in case whoever it was ended up wandering through here.

* * *

Ok, he was definitely probably somewhere... Close, at least, to the annex. Shin hated that that counted as progress, he really did. But the main tower should still be somewhere upwards and to the left facing the Traveller, which meant... This way? Sure. Sure, why the hell not. Staring upwards into the darkness of the lift shaft, Shin made an executive decision as to how much he was going to sacrifice his pride that day.

Pride won out and he turned back to find another way, coming face to face with someone very familiar. Hell.

"Hey... Stranger," he tried.

* * *

Well, fuck. If it wasn't one of the last people Drifter would have ever expected to see walking right out of the annex corridors, probably the last one he'd want to see. Adrenaline shot through him immediately, hand flying to the Malfeasance handcannon at his hip. It didn't register with him that if Shin had come to try and put him down, the hunter wouldn't have been making such a racket and looking for him where he couldn't possibly know he'd be. Shin Malphur had never been sloppy like that.

"Hey, _pal._" He all but growled the words out, voice still rough with tiredness and sleep. He added nothing else, waiting for the other man to announce his intentions, or at least make the next move.

* * *

Ok, yeah, he deserved that. Maybe. Not as if Drifter had ever been a reliable son of a bitch either though; not with all those secrets just squirming away under his skin. Shin kinda hoped sometimes that he'd slip far enough that he'd have to put a bullet in the guy and stop thinking about him altogether. He jerked his chin up, meeting the rogue's eyes and enjoying the fact that through the visor, Drifter couldn't do the same.

"You're looking like shit," he noted with a bite in his voice. "Get tired out doing whatever it is you do with those guardians?"

* * *

Drifter shrugged, in a deliberately casual way, hand very much still right on his weapon. "Got a lot goin' on." He could feel the other man's eyes on him, though the helmet he was wearing obscured Shin's. Why he was wearing that thing during what was basically the middle of the night, fuck knows. The hunter had always favoured the most ridiculous and pretentious ways of obscuring his identity.

"You come to the Tower just to comment on my looks?" Apparently he was going to have to push if he wanted Shin to say anything about what the hell he was doing here, which didn't surprise him at all.

* * *

A twitch of the lip. Never able to just give a straight answer to anything, was he? Shin might not know everything about what he was doing, sure, but the rogue liked to tease him with it. Never quite enough information to figure out if they should be working together or slitting each other's throats. God, but it would be so satisfying if he wasn't even anything that special. If everything he liked to hint at was just empty words. Unfortunately, that wasn't too likely.

"Maybe," he replied, before realising the note of petulance that had entered his voice and pulling himself together. "Anyway, heard you've got a whole new set of little Dredgens running around. I was thinking some of them might be a... Concern."

* * *

A grunt, displeased, escaped from his lips before the Lightbearer could stop himself. "You leave 'em alone." Sure, maybe he had named them Dredgens mainly to get back at Shin and mock his goddamn edgy sensibilities, but that wasn't the guardians' fault. They had simply done what was asked of them. "Damn it, Malphur, you cannot keep doing this."

It made him so angry. How couldn't he see his obsession for moral superiority was going to end up hurting them all? What was the point of morality at all unless it was protecting people? A bunch of guardians brave enough to stray from the constricts of pure Light would never be as much of a threat as the things Drifter had been seeing glimpses of in his nightmares.

* * *

Oh now that was interesting. Mister doesn't-need-anyone getting attached? And not even a calculated move, that was reflexive anger right there. He couldn't _not_ needle at it, could he?

"Don't tell me you actually give a damn about them. You were on board with this not so long ago." It wasn't as if he'd be going after all of them, anyway. But some of them... Well. Some of them had started racking up some serious time flirting with the Darkness.

"I'm not talking all of them. Just the ones going that... step too far." So saying, he rested his hand meaningfully on the grip of the Last Word.

* * *

Anger grew inside his chest, cold and sharp. Drifter hadn't meant to show he felt so strongly about it, but of course Shin would pick up on it and immediately use it against him. Wouldn't expect anything else.

"Many of 'em are_ kids._" He insisted, knuckles white from the grip he had on Malfeasance. "They just want to do good. They are doing good." Drifter left the wall he had been leaning against and took one step closer to the other man. "What makes ya qualified to decided which one of them should live or die? Where the line is?" He spit to one side, full of disdain for the idea. "How in hell would you be any different from the monsters you hunt if you start killing them, huh?"

* * *

Shin reeled a little, taken aback by how quickly the laid-back air had broken and been tossed aside. He hadn't given a damn about the tower lights even a year ago, and he hadn't been prepared for anything along those lines.

That dig stung, bit deeper than it was maybe supposed to. He knew what the ones who went too far looked like, he'd been the image of what they were just so they'd know the risks. They'd had a plan, damnit. The two of them might not get along well in person but they'd at least both known that something bad was coming and here Drifter was mothering the rotten ones like the skies weren't going to come crashing down on them all. Only, he hadn't been. Not all the time, anyway.

Teeth bared ever so slightly, he squared his stance. "Because you've cared so much about their lives ‘til now, hmm? You've been letting them die yourself, least this would be clean."

* * *

"How fuckin' dare you." The anger inside him was like an animal clawing at his stomach now, shredding it to pieces. Drifter could feel the expression in his eyes darken, and before he knew it he had taken Malfeasance out of its holster by his hip and was raising it towards Shin.

It was a dumb move, but he couldn't give less of a shit right now. They both knew the Man with the Golden Gun was the better shot, but it was more the fucking principle of the thing. Standing his ground.

"Y'cannot blame that on me. You can't. They are fully aware of the risk, and choosing to go ahead anyway. I'm not choosing for 'em like you would."

* * *

The Last Word was out of its holster in a second, aimed somewhere non-lethal for the time being. Man didn't need his kneecaps, not really. This, though. This was rich.

"Oh, and here I thought they were just _kids_. Playing a fun little game, right?" He shook his head slightly. "If they're old enough to do that they're old enough to go bad and we both know what that means." The barrel of the Last Word tilted gently from side to side. "So what's it to be. You killing kids these days?" He tensed, waiting for the rogue to make the first move. Maybe it was finally time for them to both find out who was right and who was dead.

* * *

Couldn't blame anyone but himself, really. Drifter had been the one to draw his weapon first, and given Shin an excuse, playing right into his hand. Goddamn it. He was enabling Shin's vision of himself as the righteous fucking hero just because he couldn't control himself.

No. He'd rather die than let him get away with that bullshit right now. He'd rather get shot.

"Oh, fuck you." His voice was intense, bitter, but he lowered his gun and in the same movement, threw it on the ground. It spun away from both of them, stopping when it hit one of the walls.

Let's see how the great Man with the Golden Gun would still justify being a hero to himself if he decided to shoot an unarmed man.

* * *

Robbed of all momentum, once again, Shin's finger twitched on the trigger. On some level he wanted to hurt the man; make him bleed, make him admit that he was right... And that, right there, was enough to convince him to holster the gun again. That road was too easy to go down, particularly where the Drifter was concerned.

"Well, shit." He pulled off his helmet, pushing his hair out of his eyes and looked the rogue in the eye again. "Tell me why I always want to shoot you in the head when I meet you, huh?" There was something about this bastard that. Well, it was simplest to say 'drew him in', but that didn't fully express the tumultuous push pull of repulsion and attraction it involved. He was definitely going to kill him one day though. Maybe.

* * *

It was a relief, not having that gun pointed at him anymore.

Drifter watched the hunter take off his helmet, any need for the pretence of protecting his identity dropped for now, and he felt himself go a bit breathless. Every damn time, Shin was so frustrating to deal with and the rogue Lightbearer actually forgot how much of a pretty bastard he was too. It was incredibly unfair.

"Must be those heroic impulses shinin' through." Drifter said with a smirk. Personally, he didn't get it all that much. If he wanted to hurt the hunter, he'd go weaponless. Or perhaps just with a knife. Punch the righteousness right out of that beautiful face, make a fist on that silky dark hair, yanking his head back, baring his throat... Well. It was a nice idea, at least. In reality he would never get that close without getting shot first.

* * *

Teeth flashed in a grin, keeping his eyes on the rogue lightbearer. He'd be an idiot to trust him, particularly after all this time. Trust was something they were both lacking, when it came down to it. His ghost vanished the helmet from his hand, and he sighed.

"That's one word for them," he replied, tilting his head back once more to meet those pale eyes. "They don't seem too heroic to me once you get down to it." God, he'd kill to get the man pinned underneath him, a gun held beneath his chin and him just knowing that his life was in Shin's hands. The thought sent a slight ripple through him, a barely perceptible twitch of discomfort. He took a step closer, doing his best to make up what he lacked in stature with intimidating presence.

* * *

"Yeah, I know." Drifter knew what he meant. They were both looking at a Darkness that had never been meant to be encompassed by human understanding, had been doing so for a long time, and you couldn't live that kind of life without seeing some of it reflected back in yourself. Even if the way they thought they needed to deal with it had them clashing just as often as it had them working together, the fact was no one else could understand what it all was like for them, but the other. "I know how that feels."

It was a conscious effort to keep his breathing steady when Shin took a step closer, unable to look away from those intense eyes. How the man managed to make such a simple movement feel so deeply weighted and confrontational, he'd never know. The Lightbearer could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, a thrill going down his spine, but he stood right where he was, lips still curved in a sly half smile.

* * *

Ha. Yeah. Yeah that was right, wasn't it? He kept bouncing from planet to planet putting a bullet in those Lightbearers who strayed over the precipice into something darker. And the two of them, they'd made those things together. Set them down that path and let them make their deaths alone. But none of them had any creativity, just that power hunger. None of them had even tried to walk the knife-edge they liked to live on, liked to _dance_ on. Maybe that was why he wanted to set his teeth to the other's throat and bite down. Because nobody else was coming close to them. The next step forward was less deliberate, just a barely-conscious attempt to close the distance and... What? Kill him? Tear him to pieces to hear him sob? Take him apart and- well, there was never an after in his head. He did want to wipe that maddening smile off his face though, he knew that much.

* * *

Something inside him reacted before conscious thought caught up with it, and Drifter's hand shot upwards, lighting quick, to rest around Shin's neck just as the hunter got closer again. Thumb and forefinger along each side of his jaw, the rest of them pressed against his throat. Shin had some stubble, but most of the skin he could feel was soft, warm. Drifter wanted to dig into it and hear what kind of sounds he could rip out of the other man. God, was he ever grateful that he had decided not to bother with gloves that night.

His smile grew wilder, sharper.

* * *

Something froze in Shin for a second, forcing him to swallow against the pressure on his throat. He could feel the hand resting against his windpipe, able to squeeze and choke if the Drifter still chose and it was... Too many levels of feeling to think through right. His mouth suddenly dry, breathing a little too heavily, his tongue darted out to moisten his lips. He didn't break eye contact, hand itching for his gun, waiting to see if the other would do something monumentally stupid.

* * *

Drifter could feel how the muscles in Shin's throat moved as he swallowed, and it was almost too much. Any shred of rational thought that might have been trying to keep him from going too far went right out of the window. They were so close now that he could feel the hunter's breath on his own face, heavy and warm and maddening.

It took seeing his tongue quickly dart out, leaving him breathless for a second, to realise he as well had lost all control over his own breathing. Damn. After seeing that, he couldn't help himself, and Drifter dragged his thumb slowly down Shin's jawline, on its way to swiping across his lower lip.

* * *

Shin was barely thinking, too focused on the pressure against his carotid; just enough to leave him lightheaded without any real danger. Assuming he didn't press down, that was. It was so hard to concentrate, with that constant reminder that his life was in another's hands. Large, rough hands.

Mind blank, hand barely even brushing the gun, he opened his mouth to let the thumb slip in, letting it sit heavy on his tongue. It tasted salty, with that tang of ozone and murk that accompanied the Darkness they liked to court.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer swore under his breath, barely forming words, feeling his skin burn on contact against the wet warmth of the hunter's tongue. He took a moment to enjoy the feeling, but above that, the sight of it, beautiful beyond words, and the delightful smugness it gave him to have Shin under his hand like this.

Then, he used his leverage on the man's neck to push him against the wall next to them, backwards and to the side, Shin's back colliding hard with it as Drifter used his free hand to grab at his waist and further pin him against it.

* * *

His head jerked forwards as his back struck the wall, forcing the Drifter's thumb deep enough to hurt and shocking a noise that was half whine, half gasp out of him. Shin's knees threatened to give out as he did his best not to choke, eyes flashing back up to meet the Drifter's own.

God but those eyes. Blown dark and deep with something more complicated than he had time to fathom, and fixed intently on him. He swallowed, deliberately this time, just to feel the weight and pressure of the hand on his face and neck, to watch the way the other man's composure cracked. He tilted his head back, granting better access to his throat. What was the man going to do, kill him _more_?

* * *

As much as he could be said to have the upper hand right now, Shin kept surprising him and throwing him off balance, sending shocks right though him. Just that one sound he finally had gotten out of the hunter was enough to make him lose his mind, no matter the way he swallowed again, the tilt of his head. "Oh, fuck, Malphur." He all but whispered, voice rough and undone, leaning down to bring his face right down against Shin's neck, opposite to the side his fingers were pressing against. While Drifter increased the pressure of his hand slightly, he ran his lips across the soft skin, barely touching them to it, feather light.

* * *

Hhh. Oh, he hadn't thought about the beard and now he was chastising himself for never considering the - _ah_ \- possibilities. It tickled and scratched ever so gently but in a wonderful contrast to the glide of skin against skin as the bastard teased and mouthed at his neck. He tried turning, pressing up against the gentle touch but found himself very much anchored in place by the Drifter's other hand. He whimpered faintly, trying to choke it down to the point where it was almost inaudible, but with the thumb still holding his mouth open it was hard to suppress any of the noises he was making. Drool was beginning to pool at the bottom of his mouth, and he tried fruitlessly to swallow around the obstruction, tongue twitching beneath the digit. The rest of his body, pinned by the head and arm but still mobile enough pressed forward. Of course, the only place to go was into the Drifter, and that brought with it its own set of complications.

* * *

He was making damn sure Shin couldn't move in any meaningful way that'd give him any control over how much contact he got - He'd get whatever Drifter gave him, whenever Drifter decided. God, he wanted to keep his thumb on the hunter's mouth, keep it open to enjoy the full volume of that delicious whimpering, but with the way the man was trying to move against the wall, he needed his entire hand to get a good grip on his neck and keep them both stable. Well, that only meant he had to find other ways to make him get louder.

The rogue Lightbearer chuckled against his neck, pressing the weight of his own body just a little more against Shin's, before baring his teeth and biting down on his throat, not hard enough to break skin, but hard enough to hurt.

* * *

Everything went blank for a moment, and whatever noise Shin was making he was sure it was embarrassing and inarticulate as could be. He bucked forwards, choking himself against the Drifter's hand but it only added to the thick haze of sensation that was overlying every sense. His neck burned, wet heat and sharp pain mingling; it felt as though the skin had torn beneath the other's teeth, and he... he didn't even know if that scared or excited him. The sharp jerk of his lower body had done nothing, less than nothing as the larger man pinned him thoroughly to the wall. Shin couldn't think, could barely breathe, just staying there and taking whatever torture the Drifter decided to allow him.

* * *

A rush of victory burned through him when what he'd just done had the exact effect he had been expecting. It was a pleasure to know Shin this well, to get confirmation that he knew exactly what buttons to push and how. Drifter bit down once more, slightly higher on his neck, just a little lighter, swiping his tongue down on the flesh gathered between his teeth.

As Shin tried to buck against him again, a small voice at the back of his mind screamed at him to stop this madness before it went too far, but he quieted it down and ignored it for the time being.

* * *

Some dim, distant part of his brain objected at the way the next bite was light, gentler than the last. Either it wanted to do something drastic, or just have the Drifter rip his throat out and kiss him through it as he bled out. Which was... Something to know about himself certainly.

He groaned, voice cracking slightly as the wet heat soothed the bruises that were going to cover his neck, and did his best to use his free hand to his advantage. The degree of mobility Shin had with it was quite low, but he managed to at least get a grip on the Drifter's shoulder, a tiny amount of leverage against his bulk. He tried to use it to turn his head towards the Drifter's own, wanting just a little contact.

* * *

As the other man grabbed at his shoulder, trying to bring their faces closer together, Drifter thought he shouldn't be allowing him even that small victory, but the desperate need to feel those broken sounds against his own mouth won over the desire to keep perfect control.

He kissed his way up Shin's neck and over his jawline, alternating them with small bites, until he was leaning over him and their noses were touching, then their foreheads, then finally, almost violently, pressing their lips together.

* * *

Finally,_ finally._ When it was almost becoming too much to cope with, every line of his body in contact with the other man but with no ability to capitalise on it... There. He pressed in as close as he could manage with a hand still closed tight around his throat, sacrificing air and blood to push deeper and meld himself into the warmth and pressure. He only began to fall back as he lost the ability to support himself, vision greying. Mouth falling open once more, panting for breath against the other's lips, he sobbed and writhed in a fruitless bid for any kind of control over the situation before falling limp.

* * *

He moved against the hunter's mouth, hard and demanding, like he wanted to devour every single sound, every single pant for air.

Air. The idea hit him like being shaken awake, only now realising how strongly Shin was pushing himself against the Lightbearer's hand, how little he could possibly be breathing. Even though a part of himself wanted nothing but to keep it up, maybe even increase the pressure, Drifter pulled back slightly. Wouldn't do either of them any favours to have the hunter passing out. "Hey, hey, Shin. Ease up." He said, still against the other man's mouth.

* * *

The noise Shin made in response to that was desperate, heartbroken. He didn't want drifter to ease off, no matter how much his body screamed out for relief. It was all the same after the first few centuries, all blurred into a mess of sensory stimulation and denial. If he could think, could feel, then he'd start having to have thoughts again. Something curled in his chest wanted to chase that feeling of blank overstimulation forever, never have a thought again that wasn't an instinctive reaction.

Instead, he let the other pull away a little, took in a breath of air. And another. Gasping against the Drifter's mouth, replacing the press of fingers with lips and teeth and trying with all his might not to care about what the rogue would think of him once this was done.

* * *

The noise that came out of Shin made the choice he had made feel entirely worth it. Simply stunning. "Hmm. Good boy." Drifter stopped using his hand to strangle and instead caressed the sensitive skin gently one, two times, before using his nails to scratch the length of it ruthlessly.

He bit at Shin's lower lip, while raising his hand to now run his fingers through the dark hair, grabbing at it and pulling until he could use it as leverage to completely control the hunter's mouth, have it at his mercy.

* * *

Shin didn’t even make a noise at that, just going floppy and pliant for a moment in response to the approval in Drifter’s voice. That blanked him out better than anything that had been done to him so far, even if he wasn’t sure why. The pain shocked him back into movement though, sharp nails digging ruthlessly into the sensitised flesh and pulling in a movement which startled another gasp out of him. One which was quickly stifled as his head was manoeuvred doll-like back into place and his mouth claimed once more. The hunter was beyond trying to take any real control any more, outmanoeuvred and outmatched on every level. Instead he simply did his best to give as good as he got, to at least put the Drifter on the back foot as he bit down hard.

* * *

Ah, fuck. _Fuck._ With how much things were heating up, it suddenly felt like they were both wearing way too many clothes, too much armour. Drifter's hand moved from its place on Shin's waist to the small of his back, to keep him steady as he moved his own hips rolling against the hunter's body.

Suddenly, Drifter became aware of the sound of metal footsteps approaching, and all but growled, stepping away from Shin just in time to see one of the Tower's maintenance frames walking through the place. It seemed like it was going from the annex to its next duties at the hangar, following a predetermined route. Ugh, way to kill the mood.

* * *

Somehow, blessedly, he had enough presence of mind to cram the leather of his sleeve into his mouth to bite down on before he could make a very loud and obvious noise at the sudden loss of contact.

All at once, everything that had just happened came crashing down onto them and they looked each other in the eye as the frame made its oblivious way between them. Frantically willing his pounding heart to calm and his head to clear of whatever the hell Drifter had done to it, he managed to get his legs to support him properly again and with some difficulty pried the thick leather from between his teeth.

* * *

Drifter hated seeing Shin bite down on his own sleeve, when he wanted those teeth on him instead, wanted to step forward and make it impossible for him to quiet himself down. Instead, he just had to do his best to get his own breathing back to normal.

"Well, huh." He managed eventually, once the frame had disappeared from view, rubbing at the back of his neck. The Lightbearer could feel the heavy, fragile tension between them, and he genuinely had no idea what Shin's reaction was going to be to all this, or what was going through that overthinking head of his right now.

* * *

God, he wished he could read the Drifter's expressions like he used to. He was just watching him, careful and sharp. Like he was going to explode, kill every single one of his precious pack of Dredgen just for... well. That. He spent a few second breathing, pushing down whatever had thrown him into the whole affair deep deep down where its screams would be barely audible. He straightened, swallowing thickly around the ache in his jaw.

"I'll see you around then," Shin muttered lamely, looking down the hallway the frame had come from. Fuck, maybe if he died now it would all work out fine.

* * *

Blinking a few times too many, Drifter tried to hide his surprise at the other man's reaction. Even if he hadn't known what to expect, it certainly hadn't been this. He'd be a lot less surprised if the hunter was putting a bullet through him right now, but if Shin wanted to pretend like it never had happened instead, well, that was his prerogative. "Yeah, uh. See ya."

He had nothing else to add that wouldn't probably just make things worse, so the rogue Lightbearer simply transmatted away into his ship without another word. God, he really should just get some more sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"And the part where I push you_  
_flush against the wall and every part of your body rubs against the bricks,_  
_shut up, I'm getting to it."_  
\- Richard Siken


	2. Chapter 2

Shin hadn't really known what he was doing when he accepted the position of hunter vanguard. What he _had_ known was that guardians outside of the tower were dwindling in number, picked off one by one. That meant that the next set of would-be Dredgens would call the City home, and where best to keep an eye on them than from the hub of Guardian activity? Provide a deterrent in person, let them know exactly who'd put a bullet in their head. Even if the rest of the Vanguard wouldn't be best pleased at the idea.

Not his problem. They needed him a lot more than he needed them; no hunter had been even close to willing to step forward and fill the dead exo's shoes. Good thing Shin didn't care what the young lights thought about him or give a damn whether they thought him 'worthy' of the job. It was his and nobody else had taken it, so he'd keep doing it until there wasn't a reason to any more. He wasn't trying to match up to the spectre of a dead legend, he was already quite comfortable in his own.

Unfortunately with the position came custody of the Tower. And with the Tower came a certain somebody. Somebody that Shin was running out of ways to avoid.

* * *

When some guardians had told him that Shin Malphur himself had been named as the newest hunter vanguard, Drifter had been certain that they were joking.

The position had been empty for quite a while now; many names had been thrown around, but none had wanted to go for it. Saying the least likely person to want the job had accepted it wasn't that terrible a joke. The first few times he just laughed it off, admired their commitment to it. But eventually, with growing horror, he had to come to terms with the fact that they'd actually been telling him the truth.

It made no sense. No sense at all, unless it was part of a plan the hunter had told him nothing about. What exactly was Shin playing at now?

* * *

Something deep at the base of his skull spoke in a voice that sounded very much like his- their- _the_ ghost. It was, it commented, unbecoming of a Lightbearer his age to be hiding from someone just because they kissed him. Hundreds of years, thousands of lives, and he was ducking 'round corners just to get out of the man's way. Even though, and this was crucial to understand the depths of this particular cowardice, his _entire reason _for being there revolved around gambit players.

Some small stupid part of him asked every time, what was the worst thing he could do? Shoot you? Kiss you _again_? How tragic. How terrible. Of course, the real worry was that he _wouldn't_ kiss him again, at which point Shin might have to go and smash his head in against a wall.

* * *

So for the next week or so, Drifter gathered information. He had hunters who were specially into gambit share their thoughts about the new hunter vanguard, what he was like, what his habits seemed to be. He slipped some glimmer to some of the most... Reasonable Hidden. He bode his time until he had enough intel, and then made his move.

Drifter had found out Shin had started developing a habit of going into one of the more out of the way rooms, near the hangar, to do some of his work. So before the next time the hunter was expected to go there, Drifter made sure to slip inside before him and waited for his arrival, resting lazily in one of the chairs, feet propped up on the empty table.

* * *

Oh, for... Shin nearly turned on his heel and left, but there was something about crouching back down to clamber through the ventilation system that was just a little too undignified to swallow. Particularly with those eyes on him.

He strode over, head up, trying his best to look like he didn't have vent-dust all over his cape, and dropped down into one of the other seats. Just far enough away that he'd have a fighting chance should the Drifter decided to try anything. He raised one eyebrow, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back. If Drifter wanted a conversation, he could start one.

* * *

Oh, the whole thing was already worth it just to see the look on Shin's face when he found him in the room. Priceless.

"So," Drifter started casually, since the hunter didn't seem inclined to start the conversation. Almost in contrast to his light tone, his eyes stared intensely into the other man. "Someone got a promotion, huh?"

The rogue Lightbearer just waited to see if Shin would say anything about that, before adding anything else.

* * *

Oh, he was enjoying this. Shin had spent so much time focused on avoiding the man that he'd forgotten how much he wanted to forcibly wipe that look off his face.

"If that's what you wanna call it," he replied, pulling a spent bullet casing from his ghost's system and rolling it between finger and thumb. "Then sure."

Sitting down had been a mistake; the angle was just bad enough that there was no natural looking way to avoid the Drifter's gaze. He had to meet it, and keep his nerve. Gritting his teeth a little, he locked eyes with the other man.

* * *

Drifter nodded, considered his words for a second. "I had t'hear about it from some of my gambit players. You'd think after knowing each other for this long, ya could at least send me a message or somethin'. But guess not."

He very intently didn't say 'you've been avoiding me'. He didn't say 'even after all that happened last time we saw each other. Or maybe because of it.' Drifter knew exactly how to push Shin's buttons, which meant he also knew how to hold back when pressing a topic further would make an actual conversation impossible.

* * *

That got something that wasn't quite a laugh out of him, more dull disbelief than anything. "Oh, yeah sure. 'Hey Drifter,'" he mimicked, pitching his voice down low in a self-parody, "'thought I'd immediately move into your place after I made it weird, good luck with the guardian-baiting!' Because that would go down so well."

He slumped down in his seat, pulling the hood of his cloak down over his eyes. He'd never been as good at hiding exhaustion as the Drifter had been, never really had to as himself. Youth and his ghost had always kept him relatively fresh, but this had been draining.

* * *

That reaction managed to throw him off a little, making him frown slightly. "And what, exactly, was the great plan here, Mr. Malphur?" Drifter took his feet off the table and instead leaned into it, resting his elbows against its surface, to watch the hunter's face closely. "Avoiding me for the rest of our lives, while living in the same building?"

He didn't even know where to start with the 'After I made it weird' bit. Was that all Shin thought of the whole thing? It sure was one way to describe it, Drifter thought, unintentionally remembering the other man's face as he so prettily parted his lips to let Drifter's thumb slide in. Fuck.

* * *

Shin ran a hand over his face and through his hair, trying to figure out if there was even an answer to that. "I don't know," he bit out. "Alright? There wasn't a plan, there was just a bunch of people goin' 'oh hey you're basically a hunter right how about this job' and I thought 'hey, maybe for once it might be a good idea to stick around.' Thought maybe someone might want me to.'" He stood, stiffly. "Maybe not though."

* * *

Shin sure had to make everything sound as dramatic as possible, huh? Even if they were in new territory for them, some things never changed.

"Hey, hey." Drifter said, voice a strange mixture of soft and stern, as he stood up on reflex and shot forward around the table to grab at the other's wrist. Not giving the hunter any chance to flee. "What are you talking about? Where did ya even get that from?"

* * *

He looked down for a long moment at the hand wrapped around his bracer, as if somehow that might remove it from his person. He finally dropped back into his seat, defeated and unwilling to escalate.

"I am," he said to the ceiling so that he didn't have to deal with that stupid handsome face with its stupid smug smile (or worse, concern), "real tired of trying to figure out if I should be putting a bullet in you, or if you're gonna put one in me. Or if you'd rather be doing somethin' else entirely."

* * *

He had to let go of him when Shin moved to sit back down, which was probably fair since the gesture had achieved its intended purpose. But a part of him just wanted to keep touching the hunter, wherever he could get his hands to. Drifter pushed the impulse back down. Not the time for that. Probably.

"I'd rather not get any bullets in me, if I gotta be honest." He started, carefully. Shin was not usually this open about what he was thinking, so treading with caution seemed like the safest way forward. "And I don't think anyone would take to it kindly if I shot their shiny new hunter vanguard."

As for 'something else entirely', well. Drifter was already having enough trouble not staring at the line of the other man's throat as he looked at the ceiling. Shin would have to be straight up blind not to notice.

* * *

"Well, close to a straight answer as I think we're gonna get," he mused aloud, tilting his head to one side in a parody of deliberation, exposing bruises still just visible from less than a week ago. Unhealed by his ghost, albeit ‘til now obscured by the cut of his cape.

"For what it's worth, don't start goin' crazy and pulling taken into the tower and I'll not be shooting you either." He turned, shot a look at Drifter and managed a decent approximation of his usual dark look. "What's it you like to say. Trust?"

* * *

When the cape fell to one side and Drifter was able to see the bruises still visible on the man's neck, he had to bite down on his own lip to stop himself from gasping. He hadn't made his Ghost heal them. He had kept the marks Drifter had given him, and he had walked around the Tower for the past week with them secretly on his skin. Oh, fuck. Goddammit.

"Yeah, sounds like a plan." Drifter said, mouth dry, barely managing to convey his approval while battling with his self control. Trust. Sure. That had always been a thorny issue between them, and between that and the look Shin had just shot at him, maybe the wisest thing would be to just step back.

Instead, the rogue Lightbearer took one step closer. He was still standing while Shin had sat back down, so he only had to raise his hand slightly up and forward to trace one of the bruises with the tips of his fingers.

* * *

Shin looked up at Drifter from underneath long lashes, shivering ever so slightly as rough fingers brushed against his skin. He hadn't quite been able to bring himself to heal the marks away, might have pressed his hand against them to feel the ache once or twice when he was alone. It wasn't the same, though. Not as good when it was him in control, loathe though he was to admit that even to himself.

Shifting ever so slightly he pressed into the gentle touch, hissing as the partly healed flesh flared with dull pain. Daring the rogue to make the next move, make this worthwhile for the both of them.

* * *

Oh, fuck him. Shin just had to be doing this on purpose, there was no other way of explaining that look through those stupidly long, pretty lashes of him. Drifter swallowed, hard. Damn him to hell, the hunter had to know exactly what he was doing to him.

The slight leaning against his fingers was all he needed to keep going, pressing harder on the biggest of the bruises, then again in a circular motion, digging into the skin. His other hand came up to cup Shin's cheek in its palm, on the side opposite to the bruises, to hold him in place as Drifter pressed down.

* * *

A choked sound escaped from the back of Shin's throat before he bit down hard on his lower lip to stifle the later moans. He didn't break eye contact, every twitch and shudder broadcast directly to the Drifter. The look on his face was... Rewarding to say the least. Fascination and intent, all focused on him.

Shin twitched as fingers found a particularly sensitive spot, a whole-body jerk that left him pressed up against the back of his seat and trying not to squirm.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer grunted his approval, eyes dark and hungry, drinking in the sight before him. The moans, the flush of his pale skin, every single little movement. The teeth biting down into the soft pink flesh of his lip. It was more than perfect, it was living art.

"You look so beautiful like this." He blurted it out before getting a chance to run it through any rational filters, an edge of something that could almost be reverence in the deep, rugged voice.

* * *

That hit something buried in the depths of him, something a little more sensitive than he’d like to think after all this time. And chances were it was just empty, just something to say, but that was... fine. Not a problem, and if he trembled a little more intently than before and bit down a little harder then who could tell? Well, the Drifter. He always could, but nobody would ever believe him. And if it wasn’t nothing then... something for another day, when he wasn’t quite so desperate. He opened his mouth, deliberately licking a bead of blood away from his lower lip, left it open just a little as he pressed insistently close to the Drifter. Come on, come on...

* * *

He loved to see how the hunter reacted to what he had said, it made Drifter just want to keep talking forever, see how far he could push him just with his words and his voice, but it was hard when Shin kept leaving him speechless.

The rogue Lightbearer bit down on the broken sound that threatened to escape out of him as he watched Shin put on quite the shameless display. He took his hand away from the man's cheek, putting it on the table for balance, so he could lean down and suck at Shin's lower lip, mouth immediately filing with the sharp, metallic taste of blood.

* * *

The loss of contact was exactly what he wasn’t looking for, and he unconsciously shifted slightly to chase the movement. The mouth meeting his and closing around him was more than he could have imagined though, and what had been calculated quickly gave way into more desperate noises swallowed against the blend of pain and pleasure the other produced. Wet hot blood filled his mouth as the Drifter worried at it again and again and he tried not to squirm against him. Breaking for a moment as best he could, he gasped for air before his mouth was covered once more and felt a thrill rush through him.

* * *

Drifter only let the other man get away from his devouring mouth to take quick gasps of air, just so he could immediately steal them right out of him. They kissed in a way that was rushed, full of teeth, inelegant, and just perfect for who they were.

_"Shin_." The Lightbearer said, a low drawl. The hand that hand been at the man's neck trailed downwards, working at undoing the fastening of his cape. His next words were urgent and demanding. "Tell me, ah. Tell me what y'want."

* * *

The words didn't even register for a moment before Shin realised that he was going to be made to ask for it. Maybe to beg, later. That sounded about right. God, that didn't even sound so bad which is how he knew he was far gone. The hunter swallowed, chest stuttering beneath those clever hands as they began cracking him and his armour open.

"Fuck you," he managed with a flash of teeth. "Well, ha. Fuck me, actually." He met the Drifter's gaze again, challenging. If he wanted more than that, he was going to have to work for it.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer laughed, delighted, returning Shin's stare with a wicked shine in his eyes and a predatory smile. As much as he enjoyed this bratty streak, he was looking forward to torturing it out of him, until the hunter was reduced to nothing but want and need.

"Well, ain't that a lovely idea..." The piece of chest armour had already been discarded, and Drifter slid his hand beneath the undershirt to run over Shin's naked chest. The other hand moved from the table to Shin's shoulder, putting a considerable amount of the larger man's weight on him, as he used it to keep himself stable while he bowed down just a bit more to be able to work at the neck bruises with his mouth once more. After less than a minute of it, Drifter stopped, speaking right against the sensitive skin. "Don't know if ya deserve it though."

* * *

Shin's head tipped back, revelling in the sensation of skin on skin. Those dangerous hands, skirting the tender underbelly without turning cruel. Fighting back if they had would have been a struggle, with the heavy and slightly painful weight bearing down on him. He exhaled slowly, eyes flickering shut as the Drifter teased and caressed his flesh.

They flew open at that last comment, narrowing suspiciously. He'd thought he was getting away a little too easily for the Drifter's tastes. He exhaled, lifting his chin to indicate submission, vulnerability. "How could I earn it?" He tried.

* * *

The smile turned into a wild grin, and Drifter stepped away from the other man, dropping all points of contact. "Hmmm." He made himself look thoughtful, dragging his eyes up and down Shin's body slowly. "I'm not sure."

He knew this charade would be more maddening than anything he could have asked of him outright, though he certainly wasn't lacking in ideas of what he wanted to do to the hunter, eventually. Drifter walked around the chair Shin was still sitting at, hard scrutinising stare dissecting through every angle. The Lightbearer so enjoyed the idea of having the power to affect him without even having to touch him.

Finally, he stopped right next to him, leaning lightly against the table, almost sitting on it, and used two fingers under the hunter's chin to keep it up, keep him facing him. "I think I just need t'hear how much ya want it. Make me belive it."

* * *

God damn, but his heart hadn’t stopped hammering away in his chest the entire time. Even without a hand on him he felt pinned, trapped. He really wanted that pressure back, though, and for something to finally happen besides the lightest of touches and teases.

Despite that, despite every fibre of his body demanding that it be tended to immediately, with force if necessary... Something still stuck in his throat. Some remnant of shattered pride, some base stubbornness that stopped him from begging and pleading until Drifter finally snapped. But oh did he want it. He coughed, throat bobbing against that light touch, and tried not to care about it.

“Please. I want this_, need _it. I was good before, you know I was. I can be good again, please just. Fuck me.” It sounded weak, even to his own ears. It would have been easier just to get down on his knees and convince him another way; this hurt in its own way, different from bruises and biting.

* * *

Drifter shook his head slowly, grabbing at the hunter's chin a bit more roughly. "Y'know that's not enough, Malphur. Not nearly enough." The rogue Lightbearer pinned him with a stare of his dark, searching eyes. "I can get those lines from any man I decide to fuck. You're gonna need t'do a lot better than that."

He was going to get some genuine fucking truth out of the man even if it killed him. They had done enough for Drifter to catch on how easy it seemed to be for Shin to turn his mind off, abandon himself to the physicality of the moment, and then completely shut all of it out once he was out of that mindset. So Drifter knew making him do any particular action would be too easy, but forcing him to think, actually engage with it on an intellectual level, well. That was a whole other thing altogether.

* * *

The whine that the manhandling produced hadn’t been intentional, but he knew how the Drifter felt about those noises and he hoped it frustrated the hell out of him. At this point both of them suffering might be the best outcome he could hope for. Dimly, he knew that he could just... stand up. Walk away, say goodbye to whatever the hell this was and spend his time staring at a blank barracks wall making it up to himself. But if he did, he knew whose face he was going to be thinking of.

He did consider it for a moment though. Weighing up exactly what this was worth to him, whether this need was enough to give the other Lightbearer everything he’d need to crack him open and drink his marrow. He let it show on his face, too, exactly how close to losing this the Drifter was. But that settled it by itself; this mattered for some reason. He wanted Drifter to care that he'd have lost his chance. It mattered a lot. His eyes unfocused, robbing the Drifter of any eye contact as he just stared through him.

“I don’t know why,” he managed, throat feeling thick and bloodied. “I probably don’t deserve it but I need you. Like I haven’t needed anything, not in a hell of time. I can’t stop thinking about it, about you and my life in your hands and how much I fuckin’ missed you and I’m trying you son of a bitch.” He desperately pulled in air. “You’ve been driving me absolutely crazy these last few days and I’m about five minutes from losing my mind here so please.”

* * *

For a moment there, Drifter really thought he had pushed it too far. He could clearly imagine Shin standing up, pushing him away, fleeing, and breaking whatever this fragile new thing between them was into a million pieces. Something inside of him screamed at the prospect, but he forced himself to ignore it, gritting his teeth until it hurt. It would fucking suck, sure, but not as much as fucking the Man with the Golden Gun before he understood what was going through his head, risking having him regretting it and deciding to hunt Drifter down once he was done with him.

Then, just as Drifter was trying to prepare himself for the loss, Shin Malphur started talking, and it was like a barrage of knives lighting his insides on fire. He had asked for this, but now that he was listening to it, he didn't know if he could handle it. His breathing went irregular, ragged, as his carefully constructed composure came crashing down on him.

The rogue Lightbearer found himself being the one now who couldn't form any words, and instead he just lunged forwards, grabbing the front of Shin's shirt into a tight fist and using that to pull the hunter up from that chair, pulling him flush against his own body with one strong arm circling the slim waist, desperately bringing their lips together with a rumbling, undignified moan.

* * *

Shin... really hadn’t thought that Drifter would even accept that, honest though it had been. He’d really thought he was going to have to beg and grovel just for a taste of this and he’d pretty much resigned himself to that. Who knew the truth could be so much of a turn-on? He yielded easily, letting himself be manoeuvred wherever the Drifter wanted him, disgustingly needy for as much contact as he could get.

He pivoted around, bringing his lower back to the sharp edge of the table and hiking one leg up around the Drifter’s hip. He tied to wrap himself as thoroughly around the rogue as could be physically managed, swallowing every noise he was given. He didn’t even bother to breathe, entirely consumed by moving in tandem with his partner and letting himself feel.

* * *

God. Fuck. This was good. Every movement of the hunter's body was so perfect against his own, creating the most intense rhythm, stoking the fire inside of him, just like the words that kept repeating inside Drifter's mind. 'I need you. I can't stop thinking about it.' Ah, damn it, he just wanted to make the other man go on and on about it, make him confess all the places, all the ways he had thought about it. He wanted to make him whine and beg until he eagerly handed over every single sordid detail.

But, well, there could always be time for that later. Right now what the rogue Lightbearer wanted most of all was to push Shin right on this table and absolutely ruin him.

* * *

Shin groaned in satisfaction as he was pressed further back into the table, lifted up onto it with the edge scraping all down his back as he went. He canted his hips upward, pressing against the Drifter and breaking the kiss to nip at his lower lip hard enough to produce a hiss of pain before diving back in. He was barely thinking, just finally relieved to be getting everything that had been promised a week ago as he ground upwards against his partner. He attempted his best pleading look as he broke the kiss once more, wriggling in a way that managed to come off as equal parts desperate and entitled. “Come on,” he breathed against his partner’s mouth, “please.”

* * *

"You are such a brat." Drifter said, after struggling to get some air into his lungs, but the half smile on his lips as he pressed them against Shin's once more betrayed just how much he truly liked it.

Giving into the pleading, the Lightbearer pushed on Shin's chest, open palm against it, to force him to lie down with his back across the table, just before sharply bucking his own hips forwards into the hunter, grinding him into the surface now supporting all of Shin's weight.

* * *

Groaning in pleasure, Shin let himself fade a little into the sensation of being held down, trapped. A test buck against the weight yielded not an inch of free movement. All he could do was lie there and take what he was given, growing more and more sensitive and excited by the moment. He tilted his head back, neck arching as-

An alarm split the air, the lights in the room flashing from a cool blue to red. On and off, and the noise was almost unbearable. Disoriented, shaking, he whimpered at the sudden loss of contact even as the situation resolved itself in his foggy head. Something bad was happening. Something bad that meant he had to get his chestplate back on over hypersensitive skin, ignore the lust-addled Lightbearer currently rearranging himself and go protect humanity.

He could've cried. The two of them exchanged a look as the Drifter regretfully passed over his discarded armour.

"If this is a drill," Shin managed, "I'm going to kill Zavala."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I wanted to take him home_  
_and rough him up and get my hands inside him, drive my body into his_  
_like a crash test car._  
_I wanted to be wanted and he was_  
_very beautiful, kissed with his eyes closed, and only felt good while moving."_  
\- Richard Siken


	3. Chapter 3

After a few hours of running gambit matches, not all of them all that good, Drifter decided to close up shop for the rest of the day. Spend some quality time catching up with some reading, reheating a can of bean soup.

The rest of the Derelict was as icy as always, but he had closed the doors to the shipping container that acted as his living quarters, and the little camping stove he was using to heat up the now open metal can was enough to spread some warmth through it. Warm, orange emergency lights on the edges of the massive box's ceiling were not enough illumination to read by, so Drifter supplemented it with an electrical lantern he sat right next to.

* * *

Since the disaster a few days back, Shin hadn't known peace. Oh sure, he could sleep whenever he wanted to and technically he was on indefinite leave from any real duties until they figured out what those duties _were_. But the hunters... they were everywhere.

Every day he'd find a new place that hadn't been disturbed in years and set up shop to try and figure out what the hell he was doing. Every day, within five minutes he'd been discovered and had eight idiots trying to read over his shoulder and asking for knife throwing tips. A snarl and an offer to throw them off the tower instead just didn't seem to dissuade them, and he was running out of places he could hear himself think. Which was why he'd abandoned the idea of the Tower entirely for the meanwhile, which left only one place he could go.

The ghost opened an audio link to the Derelict, and Shin did everything but get down on his knees to ask for just a few hours of peace aboard the ship before he snapped some new light's neck.

* * *

Drifter was more than used to handling having guardians around. Had to managethe amount of interaction you allowed before you got buried under a mountain of it. There were so many guardians these days, coming and going at all hours of the day and night, all with questions and requests and ideas of their own. You couldn't let them eat up all your time.

But he knew that took time, and having this place to retreat to had saved his sanity more times than he could count. So though his initial reaction to Shin Malphur's request hadn't been exactly the most positive, he had agreed anyway, giving him green light to transmat aboard. And if he had sounded a little prickly and short in his tone, well, who the fuck could blame him.

* * *

It’d been... well. A while, to say the least. Still the same old nightmare boat, freezing cold and empty as hell. His breath clouded in front of him, and suddenly Shin regretted not wearing his customary armour aboard. The whole place felt distinctly unwelcoming, almost as if it had a mind of its own and a pretty long memory. Drifter hadn’t sounded best pleased with him either, and honestly Shin didn’t know where they stood these days. Sometimes the man looked like he wanted to yank his clothes off and go to town, sometimes he looked like he wanted to put a sidearm in Shin’s mouth and pull the trigger. Or a rocket launcher.

The shaft of warmer light to his left was enticing, an offer of something besides crusting ice and darkness. But if Drifter didn’t want to see his face then strolling right up to his sleeping quarters might be a recipe for trouble. Slowly, he weighed up the pros and cons between freezing into an unobtrusive block of ice, or staying at survivable temperatures but maybe getting shot. Warmth won out, just barely, and he made his way towards the light.

* * *

He'd wondered if Shin would come into his living quarters or if he'd simply just find a little corner of the ship where he could pretend not to be freezing his tight little ass off, prideful as he was.

Drifter didn't know what he felt as he saw the hunter step inside. It was all too tangled up into heavy knot at the bottom of his stomach right now, and so he tried to keep his face neutral, tried to keep his eyes from lingering on the fact that the other man definitely wasn't wearing as much armour as he had seen him with lately. For once, he looked a little less like the Man with the Golden Gun and more like, well, someone real; a real person instead of a legend made of fire and smoke.

That didn't meant he was pleased to see him here, though. Of course not.

"Grab a seat, p-" A hesitation, just a fraction of a second long, but there nonetheless. "partner."

_Pal, _he had almost said, and completely sincerely too. Not as a weapon, not as a bitter reminder. Fuck, the mental muscle memory really had tried to betray him. Maybe letting Shin come up here had been a horrible judgement call after all.

* * *

He managed not to wince too obviously at the slip-up, though both could tell the other had noticed. He probably deserved that on some level, even if it had made a lot of sense at the time. He hadn't known they'd get under each other's skins like that, for a start. More fool him, he guessed. It had been necessary, though. Always was.

Shin sat, deliberately giving a fraction of his back to the Drifter. Man seemed put off, seemed to him that giving him a bit of control over the situation might do him good. He pulled out one of the cereal bars he'd grabbed from the canteen on his way there, offering it to the Drifter.

"I appreciate it," he said honestly.

* * *

"Yeah, no worries." He kept his voice flat, determined to avoid a single more slip-up, but still accepted the cereal bar from the other man after putting aside the book he had been reading. "It's good t'get away from the Tower sometimes, I get it."

Once upon a time they had both been wanderers, drifting in and out of each other's lives, but now found themselves tied to this place. Circumstances could be funny little fuckers like that.

Drifter bit down on the cereal bar, considered something for a second, then said "Hey, would ya like a shitty cup of coffee to go with this? Ain't much, but." He shrugged.

* * *

Shin groaned. "God, would I," he replied. "Haven't had a cup in a while, I won't notice." And god did he need the kick.

It was nice here, he supposed. Well, quiet. Still empty, still echoing. Never had quite understood why the place was on such a strange scale when half the space would never be used. Fit the Drifter though, on some level. Dark, uncharted territory. Ha. He was getting poetic in his head again. He'd almost missed the place though, wasn't anywhere like it he'd been since. It'd been pretty good before the end, crew filling the place up a bit. Empty spaces were a refuge from the others, not a threat.

* * *

"Right, I'm on it." He said, standing up, cereal bar left on top of the book for now, as Drifter started getting together everything he needed to prepare the hot drinks. Really, he was glad for the excuse of something to do, at least for a few minutes.

After putting some water to boil on a small metal pot above the camping stove, he found two mugs, standard issue from the Tower, a bit chipped, but clean. Drifter measured two spoonfuls of grainy instant coffee in each of them, adding some powdered milk and sugar to his own, and leaving Shin's black.

Until he was offering the other man the mug, it really didn't occur to him that he hadn't asked how he wanted his coffee. He had just automatically gone for what he knew Shin used to like, way back in the day.

* * *

He took the mug, taking a sip on autopilot before looking down at it in surprise. It was good, at least as far as he was concerned. Hot enough to burn someone who wasn't quite so solar-forged, and strong. Nothing else. It startled a slow smile out of him, a creature comfort he'd been missing out on the rim. "Thanks," he said aloud, raising the mug slightly in acknowledgement. "It's good."

He took another long sip, tilting his head as he leaned back. There was something glinting in the dark above them, on the edge of the light's reach. Probably nothing, but just enough to catch the eye.

* * *

"It's nothing." Drifter answered before getting back to finish his cereal bar, sipping at his coffee, trying to pretend the warmth he felt was just the effect of the hot drink, and completely unrelated to the small smile he could see on the hunter's face, out of the corner of his eye.

The rogue Lightbearer had never been one to struggle to deal with awkward silences, but it was hard when he simply didn't know how to act around the other man anymore. Finally, he just stupidly blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Is the ship still like y'remember?"

He didn't know why he'd said that. Maybe he just wanted an excuse to start talking about that era. Maybe anything would be better than silence.

* * *

Shin's eyebrows raised a fraction. Huh. Well, if they weren't gonna be pretending it never happened, that was fine by him he guessed. He took another sip, buying himself time to think as he looked the place over.

"Some ways, sure. I remember it being a little less frozen in bits though, back then." No point in heating the whole thing, course, but again it was a hell of a design for a ship he was only using some of. Used to be habitable in a few more places. Hell, this room was still a little chilly come to think, enough that he had to curl in close to keep the warmth he had. He ran hotter than most though, so maybe that was just him.

"Well. It's tidier these days too." Yeah, that one might actually be his fault. Still, Drifter had been chaotic enough that it was kind of a surprise anyway. He could see surfaces instead of having to pick his way through a mess of pulled-apart machinery.

* * *

That didn't surprise Drifter much. These days, it was just him living there, no other crew at all, and he didn't bother to keep anything heated but the few rooms used for gambit related purposes, and even then just enough so that ice didn't get in the way, not even to get them to a comfortable temperature. With the kind of cargo the Derelict was trailing behind itself, it would have been a pretty impossible task anyway.

"Might just feel frozen 'cause you ain't exactly dressed for it." Drifter said, just a slight teasing edge to his voice, taking note of Shin's current body language as well. Damn cocky solar hunters never expected to feel the cold.

He took a long sip of his coffee, any light-heartedness in his tone disappearing. "But yeah. Easier to keep things organised when there's no one else 'round to mess 'em up."

* * *

He scowled slightly, uncurling a little as he was brought up on his mistake. “Yeah, well, like I said,” he replied a little defensively. “You used to keep this place a little warmer.” The cold snuck in as he did so, and he couldn’t stop a shiver running through him. He took another sip of coffee, letting the burn flow through him as a defensive measure.

“Why’s the place so darn big?” He mused aloud, gesturing slightly with the mug. “I mean big ship, sure, lots of space. But the ceiling’s twenty foot up. Can’t be helping with the cold, right?”

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer shrugged, like he hadn't ever considered it much before, and didn't really see a reason to start now. "Was like that when I got it. I doubt there's much that could be done to help with the cold anyway." Hard to deal with something when the standard causes for it didn't apply, and without advanced knowledge of why inter-dimensional God-being bullshit had such an effect on the temperature. You just bundled up and dealt with it.

Speaking of which. Drifter saw the hunter shivering again, and rolled his eyes. "Alright, here." He started to take off the heavy, dark green overcoat he was wearing, then threw it on Shin's lap. "I ain't gettin' in trouble because the hunter vanguard decided to go and freeze to death on my ship."

* * *

The mysteries of the Drifter's interior design tastes aside, it was... not a bad ship. Bigger that Shin was used to at least, though he tended more towards compact inconspicuous jobs. Not much point in tooling around the system under a different face if your ship could crush a small village when it landed. He liked it a bit better. Might get sick of your own company, stuck in a room that could fit three at best, but you didn't have to wonder about what else might be there with you in the black.

Oh, that wasn't a pleasant thought. He shifted a little closer on instinct, trying to press down the hindbrain terror of something out in the darkness. Fuckin' instincts. Still, just Drifter up here... had to be a lot more lonely, without even a ghost to talk to. He wrapped himself in the coat, taking a deep breath in as he did so to savour the smell. It was mostly just pure human, admittedly a little in need of a wash. But hey, that was the Drifter for you. There were some notes besides that, hard to pin down without straight up sticking his nose in the damn thing and letting the Drifter watch him sniff his coat. It was a pretty distinctive cocktail regardless; that was him alright, and not even through the filters of a helmet.

It was... nice? Yeah. Nice. And warm, that too.

* * *

Drifter's mouth curved in a small smile, with just a bit of smugness shining through it. "Well, you're welcome."

Damn, but wasn't that quite the sight, Shin getting comfortable with his coat wrapped around his body. Before the other man got the chance to catch him staring, Drifter got up, finished his coffee with a long gulp, and went to leave the empty mug next to a couple other dirty dishes. "Gonna need that one back, though. Eventually."

For now, seeing it on the hunter was much more enjoyable, and he was so used to it that the level of cold in here wasn't even uncomfortable right now, wearing a long-sleeved black shirt and a brown leather armour chest piece over it.

* * *

Yanno, sometimes he forgot how much bigger the Drifter was than him. Taller, sure, but not by a huge amount. Not like some of the titans they were churning out these days, nothing so strange as that. But thicker, broader. The coat didn't swamp him, not quite, but it for sure made him look and feel small, and not in a way that sitting up and squaring his shoulders could fix. Couldn't intimidate a coat.

The Drifter, meanwhile... well. He was normally buried under so many layers, so inaccessible. Seeing him in his shirtsleeves, so to say, in his home as much as it was... well. It was new, to say the least. "Thanks," he murmured, sure the other had caught it despite the quiet.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer sat back down, this time with not so much distance between them, but not looking at Shin at all. Almost like an afterthought, he started rolling his sleeves up just to above the level of his elbow, revealing thick, muscled forearms.

It was mostly a way to keep his hands busy for a minute, but showing off his ability to deal with the cold wasn't bad either.

As much as he was trying to supress any thoughts about it, Drifter's mind kept coming back to the times Shin had been in the Derelict before. The now sour reminder of it might have started to reflect on Drifter's face a little more than he realised.

* * *

Speaking of titans.... He wasn't one, obviously. Drifter was something in his own class. But he could have passed for a titan, if he'd had half a mind. He watched corded muscle flex beneath tan skin, and felt his mouth go dry. Quickly he used another sip of by now quite cool coffee to mask his attention, while watching out of the corner of his eye. It was mesmerising, those thick arms and... Yeah. Wow.

He managed to drag his eyes away from them for a moment, and flinched at the expression on the Drifter's face. Well then. Those arms might be incredible, but they also might be featuring in Shin's nightmares soon. Not that he minded being choked out by the right person, apparently, but he had a bad feeling that the drifter knew that and would be acting accordingly.

* * *

_'Just don't say anything stupid. Don't you fuckin' do it'_ Drifter told himself. Ok, should be easy enough, right? Just bring up literally anything else.

He sighed. There was nothing else, unless he wanted to attempt to set the record for shittiest small talk conversation in the known universe. It was the elephant in the room, crushing out anything else.

But he could still approach it in a not too horrible way. Casually. Like it didn't even matter that much. Like he hadn't ever lied away in the middle of the night in this very room, staring at the ceiling, all of it running through his head over and over again. Oh, fuck.

"Must be weird for ya to be up here without constantly lyin' to my face, Malphur." The rogue Lightbearer all but growled the words out, and if the hot red anger was there to mask some considerable amount of hurt, well, he wasn't going to stop to think about that now.

* * *

Shin didn't flinch. He'd been... expecting it, to some extent. Honestly, it had been unnerving that they'd ignored it for this long. He'd been partly waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be called out for this. He sighed, finishing off the cold remains of his coffee. If something violent happened, he didn't want to be missing out on any caffeine he could get. Not that he'd win, this disadvantaged as he was, but he wanted to take a chunk out of the Drifter before he died.

"Not like you're the only one," he pointed out, gaze flattening. "I do that a lot." What was he supposed to do? Walk around with a face and gun that made half the system want to kill you and a not insignificant percentage of that want to fuck you? His face was smooth, expressionless. Drifter hadn't been special, not at the time. He hadn't know that he'd... well. Irrelevant. He hadn't known.

* * *

"Oh, fuckin' wonderful! Is that supposed to make it better?" Drifter's hands closed forming fists, tensing the muscles of his forearms. If his nails weren't so short, they would be digging into the skin of his palm.

He hated how expressive he was being, when Shin was just completely blank in contrast. "I get it, alright, even after all this time it just. It doesn't fuckin' mean a damn thing to ya. I can see that."

All of it, nothing but a lie. Just what Shin Malphur did. Sure, whatever. But he hadn't had to let Drifter get so close. He hadn't had to let him make a damn fool of himself when Shin hadn't given a single shit all along.

* * *

"I didn't know," he said coolly, eyes barely even focused any more. "When I first met you I didn't know that I'd give a damn and after all that shit with... well. After all that? That wasn't me. Not, yanno... not properly."

It wasn't, usually. When you put on a mask and decide to lie to everyone, you lie to everyone. Even the bastards you used to like. Even the ones you hate. Can't pick and choose just 'cause they're important.

There was also the fact that he'd thought Drifter was gonna rip his skin off the next time he saw him, and a little subterfuge had seemed... necessary.

* * *

Drifter chuckled, a burnt and bitter sound. He was certainly no stranger to taking on a new name, a new identity, but he had never gone back and pretended to be a completely new different person to anyone he had known previously. He could barely imagine it, and he just absolutely hated the fact that because Shin saw himself as the hero, he'd always feel it was justified.

"If ya expect me t'believe you actually ever gave a damn at all, you're barking up the wrong tree, _pal._" This time it was most definitely deliberate, full of bile. Shin Malphur would lie as much as he had to save his own worthless skin, or to get whatever he wanted. He had probably been lying to Drifter the other day as well, when they'd been in that little hidden room together.

* * *

"We didn't exactly leave things in good shape, if you recall." He ducked his head, shoulders tensing. Some weird attempt from his body to protect the vital organs, he supposed. Forcibly straightening, leaving himself as vulnerable as necessary to not look scared, he raised his chin. "But no, I didn't care that hard when I decided to do it. I wasn't thinking about it, I had other problems." He bit his cheek, hard enough to draw blood.

Was he going to admit this? Hell, maybe. "I was being dumb and selfish, and when I realised I wanted to stick around it was too late to make it actually work. That what you wanna hear? That I fucked up and was too chickenshit to even kill you and fix the problem?"

* * *

Maybe that all made sense, but the last thing Drifter wanted was to admit that, because then he would have to think about why it still felt like such a betrayal anyway.

"And I suppose you'd blame that one on me too." If they didn't leave things 'in good shape' it was because Shin had been getting extreme with his whole fake cult bullshit, to the point he had basically sent another Lightbearer to his true death for the _appearances._

"I'm sick of ya taking the most dramatic way forward and then pretending you didn't have any other options." His tone softened slightly when he spoke his next words, if only because it was suddenly reflecting the weight of centuries of tiredness. "If you came to me with honesty, I woulda heard you out." Drifter rubbed one hand over his own face, and sighed. "How am I supposed t'believe you ever wanted to stick around, after all that?"

* * *

Shin's train of thought ground to a halt. Other... had there been? Other options? Not any that he'd ever seen panning out, not really. Not any that had seemed like an option at the time. He forced an unconvincing laugh out between chilled lips.

"Yeah, well, you've only been there for a part of it." He gazed into the darkness, eyes dull, and pulled the coat tighter around him. "And how the hell was I supposed to know that? You wanna look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me dead and burning some days? Right now?" He gritted his teeth, baring them in a parody of a smile. Honestly, if he hadn't known that was on the table he wouldn't have stuck around. Hate was at least a form of giving a shit, and he'd take that.

Shin's face twitched at the thought, still not focusing well enough to look the Drifter in the eyes. "As for sticking around, right now that's up to you." Tell him to fuck off and he would. Honestly, he'd gotten enough info to get by days ago, before that second encounter even. He was here because he gave a damn, like it or not. Because he wanted to know how this would turn out, good or ill.

* * *

A pause. Drifter tried to swallow, mouth dry. "Right now. I wanna put both my hands 'round your neck and choke the life outta you." Anything to punish Shin for making him feel like this, to stop him saying these things that buried themselves in his gut like a knife, to touch him again.

"But I did seek ya out after you moved into the Tower and decided to avoid me. I let you come up here. So, yeah."_ 'Yeah, I want you to stick around.' _was a bit too difficult to say right now, but he hoped the implication was clear enough.

* * *

He paused, let his lips curl into a bitter smile. "Yeah. Well. Probably I'd let you right now." He might deserve it, way he'd been going. Didn't help that the thought made him shiver again, got his mouth dry and his adrenaline going. He grinned instead, teeth sharp and defiant. He hadn't made a good decision in a while, even if something deep down refused to let him treat the killings as a mistake. Callum had been the right decision, he'd seen what followed with his own eyes.

He finally managed to drag himself back to this place, this now. Looked the Drifter dead in the eye, raised one eyebrow. He'd been allowed into the other's home, the place he was safest. And maybe he'd been stupid to go, but he still wanted everything that came with that. Even if it _was _a beating.

* * *

Fuck. That shot a wave of heat right through him, but Drifter tried not to let it show at all. "Hmm, well. Dunno if it's as good now when I know you're into it." Which was definitely a lie, considering the way his hands were now itching for contact. Seeing that grin just tilted it on the side of way too much to bear, and he grabbed at the lapels of his own coat, forcing Shin to get closer as he returned the hunter's gaze. "I might have to find some other way to make ya pay for it instead."

Mostly he wanted to destroy that smug self-assuredness, torture the man until he didn't know if he was begging for the Drifter to stop or to give him more.

* * *

He tilted his head, running his tongue along sharp teeth. "Sure it could be. If you put enough into it." He paused, trying not to give away exactly how that idea excited him. God, he might have to do some self-examination to figure out exactly why he was so excited by the concept of the Drifter wringing the life out of him slow and deliberate and controlled. "If you wanted to find another way to work things out though, I... well. I wouldn't be opposed to that neither."

He tried desperately, intensely, not to show how excited any of this made him. Drifter might as well work for it, earn what they both knew he'd get regardless.

* * *

The sight of the hunter running his tongue along the sharpness of his own teeth drove him wild, making Drifter suddenly decide that simply choking him would be far too clean. He wanted to make him _bleed. _

The Lightbearer still took his hands off the coat to slip one of them inside it, letting the palm rest right below Shin's throat, promising the possibility, warming the still chilly skin. Hoping that was distracting enough for the hunter not to notice his next move, Drifter took his other hand behind his own back, quickly getting the broad, short knife he'd hidden there. Drifter might not have been wearing his gun holster, but he hadn't been willing to hang out completely unarmed around Shin Malphur.

"I might be gettin' some other ideas." He let Shin see the knife then, just for a second, before bringing the blade towards the man's face and using it to brush the dark hair away from his forehead.

* * *

He inhaled sharply at the press of a hand against his neck; a promise of safety and danger all at once. He tilted his head back ever so slightly, barely conscious of the motion as he granted greater access to the arteries keeping his heart beating. His mouth fell open, breath already quickening.

The glint of the knife in the warm light went past what he'd ever expected from the Drifter, and right into those areas of his psyche he'd barely paid attention to. He froze, a groan bubbling its way up from the back of his throat as the blade strayed close to his eye, before relaxing as it trailed away again. The point dug in, just slightly but enough to register and drag all of his attention away from anything else.

* * *

The way Shin froze was extremely satisfying, and Drifter knew at once he had hit a nerve with his choice. Wonderful.

The knife went down to rest flat on the hunter's smooth cheek, then turned slightly to have the length of the edge drag downwards, with only enough force behind it to irritate the skin, as the Drifter spoke, low and dangerous. "Ya have such a pretty, pretty face. God, but wouldn't it be such a pleasure to ruin it."

All that beauty, just being undone under his hand. The idea had a dark appeal that the rogue Lightbearer just couldn't stop thinking about.

* * *

His breath stuttered entirely to a halt for a moment, dimly aware of the hand still resting lightly against his neck. The Drifter could hold him still as he carved him up, if that was what he wanted. The thought dried his mouth, sending another shudder through him as the cool metal made itself known. Freezing, in the cold air. He couldn't help but lean a little away. Admittedly, that just pressed harder up against the potential choking hazard, but hey. Wouldn't do to seem too keen, or else what would the other be getting out of it?

"Aw," he managed through dry lips. "You think I'm pretty." Another grin, knife biting in ever so slightly deeper against the muscle of his cheek. Not quite enough to cut, but enough to threaten it.

* * *

"Don't even try it." He shot back, taking the blade off the hunter's skin, but it was just for a moment before Drifter put it back right against his neck.

"Y'know perfectly well how beautiful you are. People must tell ya all the time." With these words, the Lightbearer slightly increased the pressure of his hand, a sudden possessive mood reflecting in his eyes. Those people would never get to see Shin quite like this. This was the Drifter's doing, this was his.

* * *

Shin didn't even know how to feel at this point, besides extremely interested and tense with anticipation. How much did he trust the Drifter? Did he trust him to do this, even to kill him? To not take advantage if he did, to not take that single chance Shin would be giving him to make an old enemy die his final death? It seemed unreal, but he was leaning towards a 'yes'.

Bolstered, he took a deep breath and batted his eyelids at the Drifter. Like it was all some game, something fun that definitely wasn't going anywhere besides threats. "Maybe once or twice," he admitted with a twist of his lips. "People tend to... Pay attention."

* * *

The fucker was batting his eyelids at him, and the provocative, playful gesture spurred Drifter forwards just as much as his words. "Oh, I bet they'd pay attention now."

The Lightbearer raised the blade until it was pressed on Shin's upper neck, right below his jaw, forcing his head to stay tilted upwards and their intense eye contact to continue. "I wonder what they would think of ya, seeing you like this, under my knife." His forefinger guiding along the blunt edge of the blade, Drifter moved it just enough for the tip of it to finally break skin.

* * *

Oh god that did it, that finally pushed him over the edge into action. Shin froze, pulse visible in his neck as his heart pumped away like it was its last chance in the world. He felt a bead of blood trickle down his neck as his throat worked against the blade. The pain didn't snap him out of whatever haze he'd dropped into, it only provided texture to the terrible decision he was going to continue to make.

The flutter of his eyelids wasn't fully calculated this time so much as a product of his difficulty focusing. "Yeah," he murmured, throat rough. "I suppose they would." He focused on breathing through his nose, regaining a little composure. "You still gonna think I'm pretty when you're done?" He relied with a flicker of a smile.

* * *

Drifter could feel his own breath go heavy with desire at the sight of the other man's blood, bright red, vivid, almost unreal. Unable to help himself, he dipped down to lick at the small cut, taste it. "Oh, god. How could I ever not?"

He almost wanted to forget the knife and tear the hunter's throat open with his teeth, but that would make it too quick. The Lightbearer got his face away from the perfect, inviting skin in an attempt to regain some control over himself, and realising something, then added. "Take my coat off, Malphur. I don't want to get blood on it."

As hot as the idea of walking around with Shin's blood on him was, he didn't need guardians to notice and make comments about it for the foreseeable future.

* * *

Aw shit, that was almost sweet. Course, he was saying it with Shin's blood on his lips, which was becoming a theme that he could appreciate. A frustrated little sound escaped him as the Drifter withdrew again right after teasing him.

He scrambled to obey the order, movements as quick as he could manage given his strong incentive to keep his head perfectly still and not accidentally slit his own throat by getting careless. God, but he did want the Drifter messed up. Just enough, to watch him stained red with Shin's blood and know that he'd do it again in a heartbeat. Carefully, regretfully, he passed the coat over. He was cold again immediately, colder even now he'd had a chance to get warmed up, and he couldn't keep himself from shivering slightly.

That was good, though. Just... One extra layer to this. Another way to mess him up that the other might enjoy.

* * *

Taking the coat, he immediately threw it across the room and away from them, not giving it a single more thought. The man in front of him had his undivided, complete attention. Drifter could see him start shivering again, and a grin bloomed on his face, dark and pleased.

"Hmm, that's it, be a good boy for me." The knife trailed downwards, making a shallow cut along the length of the man's slender neck.

Then, the other hand, which had been holding him in place, grabbed at the hunter's shirt so Drifter could yank the knife down and cut right through the middle of the fabric.

* * *

Shin twitched instinctively as the blade slid into oversensitive skin, and he bit hard into the side of his cheek to stifle any noises that might start escaping. He might want to be good, to do well, but he also wanted the Drifter to work for it at least a little.

He'd liked that shirt too, but uh. Well. He was barely thinking about it, too concerned by the warm flesh being suddenly exposed to the chill air. He shuddered again, harder this time now that there wasn't any risk of accidental exsanguination. He looked up, meeting the Drifter's eyes as if asking for permission as he went to rearrange himself so that he was on his knees instead of sprawled back against the floor.

* * *

Drifter let the other man rearrange himself, using the access the torn fabric now granted him to run a rough hand over Shin's naked chest, on its way to settle it on his waist to help him keep stable as he moved, returning his gaze all through it.

Then the rogue Lightbearer took a moment to look him over, appreciate the picture. Of any time they had been doing... this, whatever this was, now was when Shin was wearing the least, and it was breath-taking. Not even when he had fully intended to fuck him against that table, before they were so rudely interrupted, had he gotten the hunter out of that many clothes. The lack of armour really sped things up, and he was thankful. And well, being interrupted here in the Derelict wasn't really a possibility, thank the fuckin' Traveller.

Drifter realised he had been staring while lost in thought, and cleared his throat while taking the knife back against Shin's neck.

* * *

Shin clasped his hands behind his back, chin still raised to give the Drifter a good view of the blood he could still feel running down the side of his throat. Behind him, he was digging his thumbnail into the ball of his hand, muscles tensed. A way to keep himself grounded, maintain a little control so he didn't embarrass himself too badly before they'd both earned it.

It said something that even that assessing gaze made him shiver a little. He felt... Well, ha. Exposed, sure, but not just like that. Watched, though. Like the Drifter was seeing through into the black core of him and liked what he saw. The knife settled back onto his skin, paradoxically relaxing him somewhat. This he could figure out how to cope with. This he liked.

* * *

He went with a series of small diagonal cuts this time, each of them just very slightly deeper, feeling the knife finding a small amount of resistance from the flesh for the first time, as it went just a little past surface level.

Drifter wanted to keep watching him, not lose a single twitch of his muscles, but the drive to get closer was getting harder and harder to keep in check, and so the Lightbearer leaned in to press their foreheads together, speaking right against Shin's lips, but not quite touching them with his own yet. "I need t'know what ya want from me here."

He could guess, but he'd rather make the man ask and be sure. And God, yeah, maybe he just wanted to hear him talk about it.

* * *

Each cut was as good as the last, the bright hot pain never lessening with each additional exposure. He must be looking a mess right now, surely, with his flesh carved up and spilling red all down his front. Almost wished he had a mirror right now, but surely even the Drifter wouldn’t put up with that level of flagrant self-appreciation. He inhaled, eyes flicking shut for a moment other leaned in close.

Well, fuck, now he’d have to think about this beyond the instinctual desire to hurt and be hurt. He paused, trying to figure out the mess that was his desires right now. “I want you to hurt me,” he managed, words coming slow and deliberate. “Want you to do whatever you want with me and make me beg for it.” It was broad, almost unhelpfully so, but he couldn’t think of a way to narrow it down any further. He didn’t really want to be able to prepare for whatever the Drifter decided to do, which meant he couldn’t know an awful lot about it. He was having difficulties thinking of anything he wouldn’t be alright with at the moment.

* * *

He kept the knife still while the other man thought about it, waiting patiently for him to find the words. The way Shin spoke next made for a wonderful reward, and Drifter groaned, clearly satisfied with the answer. "I think I can manage that."

He kissed the hunter then, long and slow, while the knife went down to carve up a similarly paced path on the bare chest, already slick with blood.

Some of it was probably going to get on his stuff, but Drifter really couldn't care less about that right now.

* * *

There was blood in his mouth from where he’d bitten down too hard somewhere around cut five and it was rich and metallic on his tongue. Shin pressed in against the Drifter’s mouth, working in tandem with his every motion, body torn between leaning into the pain and trying to escape it. He whimpered as the blade snagged ever so slightly, stuttering in its movement through him before continuing downwards.

God, it was so hard to keep his hands to himself right now, every inch of him needy and wanting for anything he was given. He had to though, if he wanted the Drifter to be pleased with him. He was going to earn this, he had to at this point. For once he didn’t get to make the decisions. He opened his mouth a little more, granting the Drifter whatever access he wanted with no resistance, head light and breath ragged.

* * *

Tasting the blood in the hunter's mouth as he kissed him was an unexpected delight, and Drifter bit and licked at him to get more of it.

The hand on Shin's waist gently moved to his lower back before turning rough again, digging in, pushing their bodies even closer together, knife's movement getting harder as well because of the manoeuvre, threatening to slip in between his ribs.

"Oh, fuck. Fuck, Shin, you are incredible" The praise came out without thinking, when Drifter tried to get some air. It was oh so true, though.

* * *

A low groan forced its way between his lips as the two of them pressed close, the Drifter's nails raking across the skin of his back beneath the ruined shirt. It was definitely beyond even ghost repair, he noted dimly, finding the idea oddly funny. The knife bit ever deeper, beyond flirtatious and into more dangerous waters. That shouldn't be so hot, it really shouldn't but the ragged cry produced by a particularly deep cut felt like a release.

The words themselves were a vindication, despite the loss of the kiss. Shin was doing well, he was doing so well and Drifter was pleased with him. He could split him in two if it made him happy, got him to keep saying those things and hurting him just right. "Please," he managed, hoping that he'd be understood.

* * *

The pleading made him move against the other man even faster, lowering his hand more to grab at the hunter's ass over his trousers. With the leverage he gained there, he pulled Shin on top of his lap, positioning himself in between his legs and making Shin straddle him.

"There we go." He grunted, bucking his hips upwards into the hunter. "Right where you belong."

The position put most of Shin's weight on top of Drifter, which his knees probably wouldn't thank him for tomorrow, but Shin wasn't that heavy and the amount of control this granted him made it more than worth it.

* * *

Shin probably shouldn't have enjoyed the fact that his blood was sinking into the Drifter's trousers and shirtsleeves but, hey. It was his blood, he might as well appreciate it. This new position was hell on trembling thighs and stomach muscles, trying to maintain any sort of posture instead of just slumping boneless onto... Well, probably the knife actually. And he was being good, which meant putting the work in.

The friction was so much better here though, even movement from the Drifter forcing them together and shifting Shin around as much as he wanted. It was like the hunter was just something for him to play with, to move however he pleased and break when he was done and that made it hard to concentrate on anything else.

* * *

The hand on his ass kept the hunter steady as Drifter continued to roll his hips against him, now setting a deliberately slow, teasing rhythm.

"Hmmm." The noise rumbled in his broad chest, knife trailing down until it was cutting at the fabric of Shin's trousers, along the length of his thigh. "I believe these might be getting in the way a bit."

He continued working at his trousers while nuzzling at the bloodied neck, getting it on his face.

* * *

Oh god, forget what he'd said about the friction. It was bad, real bad. Too much when it was there, nowhere close to enough when it wasn't and he couldn't even try to chase it when the Drifter moved back. Not without dislocating his legs, anyway, which might be a little too desperate even for him.

God, the rough hair and skin against those open wounds was almost enough to distract him entirely from what was going on down there, they hurt but the attention and tenderness in the action itself turned it into a muddy haze of confused feelings. He wriggled in his - ha - seat, trying to give a little better access to the fabric. At this point he didn't care how much he liked those pants, he just wanted them off. And if the knife slipped once or twice, well, that was a bonus.

* * *

While following the seam of the fabric, Drifter cut at the creamy skin of Shin's upper thigh, then run his thumb above the fresh wound, pressing down, eager to see what kind of noises that could provoke out of the other man.

He searched for Shin's eyes again, looking less human and more like a wild animal that had just been feeding on its prey, face bloody and teeth bared and sharp.

His other hand pushed through the waistband to squeeze a handful of naked ass, possessive.

* * *

The noise he made was beyond words, pure animal distress and want all rolled together, clawing its way out of his chest and up his throat. Drifter looked feral, like he was an inch away from sinking his teeth into Shin's neck and coming away with a chunk of him. The cold air and warm flesh and cooling tacky blood only added to the sensory cocktail of broken skin and bruising pressure and it was almost more than Shin could actually process. He was making eye contact, sure, but it was like he was barely seeing and more just having everything shoved at him through one channel. Sensation after sensation breaking against him as he rocked back into the Drifter's touch, sobbing quietly.

* * *

Shin didn't disappoint, giving him the kind of gorgeous sounds only violence and need could produce from him. And to think they had spent so much time uselessly fighting in the past, when they could have been tearing into each other like this.

Drifter never wanted those quiet sobs to stop. He wanted to make it worse, so much worse. Looking to push the hunter even further, he returned the knife to press on the underside of his jaw, and the hand that had been on Shin's backside slowly caressed its way towards the front, feather light fingertips finding the hardness of him.

* * *

Shin's head tilted to the side, almost without his conscious input and the knife scraped across as-yet unbroken skin and stubble. The sharp blade might actually give him one hell of a poorly-placed shave, he realised, and a hiccup of laughter ran through him at the thought. Quickly replaced with a choking noise as the movement pressed him a little too close against it. God, he was going to have to be careful of that.

Well, at least until the Drifter decided to go straight for it and Shin narrowly avoided decapitating himself with an uncontrollable jerk forwards, body trying to curl in on itself. There was nothing, no grip he could press into, just the faintest of touches and it maddened him.

* * *

With the way the man was moving, it was hard enough to stop him from burying the entire length of the blade in his own neck. Which would be wonderfully satisfying in a way, but also end the fun all too soon.

"Stop wriggling." Drifter hissed at him, knife threatening to start slicing down on his jaw. "Do ya want me to touch you? Because if so, I'm gonna have to hear ya askin' real nice" The hunter had said he wanted Drifter to make him beg, and he fully intended to do so.

* * *

Shin froze, or at least did his best to follow the command with his chest heaving and muscles fatigued to the point of pain. The knife rested, promise clear in the tilt and pressure of it against his jaw. It took everything he could manage not to move, to bury himself in the Drifter's hand and hang the consequences, but... well. Nobody wants to be a disappointment, do they? Not when Drifter was so good at what he did.

Slowly, he managed to work his mouth and throat until some semblance of speech could be passed through them instead of pained yells. "Please," he managed, voice utterly wrecked and cracking at the seams. "Touch- use me."

* * *

He grinned again at how quickly Shin tried to still himself, following his command, clearly struggling with it judging by his loud breathing and the trembling of his entire body. It would be a beautiful thing to watch in any circumstance, but the torn cloth and flesh, the blood, that voice, just made it absolutely indescribably perfect.

"That's a good start, lovely boy." As if to reward him for it, Drifter wrapped his hand around Shin's member, just barely circling it with his fingers, not moving at all beyond that. "Keep going."

* * *

God, he couldn't hold back a sob then. That was cruel, really cruel. Not the compliment, that at least was a balm to frayed nerves, a reminder that he was doing something right. A promise, hopefully, of future release. That being said, every fibre of him was desperate for something it just wasn't getting. He took a deep breath, another. Legendary hero Shin Malphur, right? He could do this.

"Please," he tried again. "I'll do anything. Anything you want, I'm... Mouth, hands, they're yours. Please just-" another sob cut him off as hardened flesh brushed against callused hands and he could barely restrain the full body flinch.

* * *

"Oh, I know they're mine." Drifter growled that last word, voice going as dark as the eyes that just kept staring hungrily into the hunter. "But maybe right now I just want you like this." He let a second pass, giving an opportunity for despair to sink in, before he actually started moving his hand up and down, slowly.

Driving Shin out of his mind might be the primary objective, but the Lightbearer also wanted to enjoy taking his time, get a feel for the hard throbbing length of him.

* * *

He dropped his head, throat working around something hard and painful as he tried to stay quiet. Don't move, don't think if you can. Just get through it. Distantly, he knew that the Drifter was enjoying the noises he could wring out of him, but something in him rebelled at the thought of just giving him what he wanted. He might be begging, but there was still some remnant of that stubborn steel spine in there. Even if he was doing nothing besides dragging his own torture out he was going to make the Drifter work for every cry.

And oh, was he working. Shin couldn't help it, could barely breathe let alone stop the full body flinch that jerked his hips forward for one glorious moment of friction and heat. He forcibly froze again, every muscle tensed but that momentary lapse of control had been. Well, he'd very clearly enjoyed it, and that was definitely against whatever rules the Drifter was imposing.

* * *

He didn't like how much composure Shin had left, to still think of keeping himself quiet. Drifter wanted him broken, beyond self-control. When the hunter then moved forward, that was it.

"Did I give you permission to move, Malphur?" He said, a sharp edge of anger in his voice, hand stopping dead. "Do you believe you earned that?" His grip went a bit looser so Drifter could scratch the very sensitive skin with his nails.

Shin clearly needed to be reminded of who was calling the shots around here, for Drifter to rip some of that entitlement right out of him.

* * *

Shin shook his head mutely, not trusting himself to say anything that wasn't just desperate begging. He'd been braced for some form of retaliation, at the very least, so he managed not to scream out at the sudden pain of sharp nails on oh so tender flesh. Instead a strangled, high pitched whine made itself known behind tightly closed lips. He wanted to move, wanted that hand back on him, wanted something softer to temper the pain but at the same time he knew that he'd misbehaved. He hadn't earned anything besides punishment so far, and that at least he was going to be receiving.

* * *

Drifter growled as he watched Shin shake his head. "Good. But I'm gonna have to hear ya say you're sorry. That you're gonna be good for me." He used his thumb to caress glacially paced circles over the head of it. "I could be so... So good to ya as well, if you'd only behave."

And then there was the knife, biting down in one fluid movement, perpendicular to his jawline, deep enough to touch bone. "Such a shame I just gotta resort to this instead, really. I do like touching you."

* * *

The teasing was nearly enough, gentle enough to soothe some of the lingering pain from before. It was painful in its own way, of course, Shin barely keeping himself together as was without the Drifter playing with him as he spoke. It did mean that he'd been so focused on not moving that he'd almost entirely forgotten about the knife. The noise he made went all the way through crying to a scream, head jerking to one side as his body tried to protect itself.

"I'm sorry," he gasped, shoulders shaking as the torn skin on his face protested against even speaking. "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." He made eye contact, blood streaming from his face, arms still held tight behind him. "I'll be good, I swear I'll be good."

* * *

"Mm, I believe you're gonna try." The Lightbearer started moving his hand again, alternating every few strokes with a squeeze, making it impossible for a true rhythm to be set, keeping it all build-up and promise. "I'm not sure ya can help yourself, though."

The back of the hand which was holding the knife brushed over the newest of the cuts, almost tender, knuckles going red-wet with blood.

"You are definitely doing very well keeping your hands to yourself, though." Drifter had to admit, with a little note of amusement. "What would ya like as your reward for that?"

* * *

Shin deserved this. He had to deserve it, or else he wouldn't be able to handle it. He shook his head as the Drifter spoke, trying to convey that he'd be a good boy, that he didn't need to keep on doing this but. Well. He'd already failed once, it was fair that he wasn't very believable. He was doing so well though, every muscle screaming out in pain but he wasn't moving. Wasn't desperately fucking himself to completion, covered in his own blood.

He could ask for it, though. He didn't think he'd get it, but there was a chance that the Drifter would take pity. Slim, though. The list of things he was likely to get was short, but maybe... he swallowed, throat bobbing and mouth going a little dry. "Can I get a kiss?"

* * *

One of his eyebrows shot upwards, the hunter's answer being very much not what he was expecting, but the man had definitely been making a habit of surprising Drifter, and he wasn't going to complain about it. "That sounds reasonable. One kiss."

Drifter leaned his face in close, hovered above Shin's for a moment, before pressing his lips flat against the corner of the other man's mouth. Then again in the middle of it, this time in earnest, forcefully slipping his tongue inside and moving his lips to the same rhythm he was now pumping with his hand.

* * *

That first fake-out aside, which had caused his stomach to fall a lot further than it maybe should, Shin hated just a little that the press of lips to his was so reassuring. It was still being used to tease of course, matched with the dry slide of skin against him, but it was good. He yielded, not able to kiss back with much fervour without further tearing his face open, but the pain was at least a steady and reliable burn.

He leaned in, focusing everything he had on appreciating the small comfort and ignoring everything that was happening elsewhere. Didn't entirely work, but it helped.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer kissed him especially sweet and slow for about a minute, letting his hand's movements grow lazier, almost gentle. He could lie to himself and saw it was purely, entirely meant to tease him, but the warmth pooling at his own stomach betrayed how much he truly did like it.

Still, he had said one kiss, and that had certainly gotten to be quite a bit more than that, so he pulled back from the hunter's mouth.

"Was that reward enough? Are ya satisfied?" Drifter stared into his eyes and waited for a response.

* * *

This was... too good to be true, he knew, but he appreciated it while it lasted. A sigh slipped out as he just enjoyed the movement of their mouths together and the less-intense caresses. He opened his eyes again as the Drifter pulled away, lips red and wet with blood, already missing the warmth and closeness. He ran his tongue over his lower lip, chasing the traces that had been left behind.

"Yessir," he replied, meeting the Drifter's gaze with a faint smile. "Very much, thank you." He remembered his manners this time, at least.

* * *

Well that sure did send a surge of electricity right through him, ending between his legs, and he groaned. "Sir. I like that." He was hoarse after the deep kissing, breathless.

Drifter pushed the hunter back and slid him onto the floor, making him lean back slightly against it. He did quickly realise the other man's impulse might be to rebel against the loss of contact, so he shushed him in a soothing tone. "You're doing so wonderfully. I just need better access."

As soon as Drifter had said that, he leaned over him to spit in his own hand, use it to create a wetter friction on Shin's cock, bending down even more to plant little kisses on the inside of the hunter's thigh.

* * *

Aw hell. This was going too well, too fast. He could barely keep his muscles tense any more, dopey on fatigue and adrenaline and a reasonable amount of blood loss. He couldn't just relax though, either. When whatever was going to happen happened, if he'd stopped waiting for it he knew it'd be twice as bad.

He'd thought he'd be left alone to stew in it maybe, losing all the contact he'd managed to get, but instead he was getting praise and _finally_ something real to move against. It was bewildering, a gear change that left him half revelling in the calm and half waiting for the next blow. Eventually he managed to come to a middle ground. He let himself get lost in the gentler and more pleasurable sensations, but he still kept strictly to the rules. Hands to himself, no moving, keeping the Drifter in perfect control. Shin wasn't going to be bad just because things had become strangely kind, even if he wanted to melt right into everything the other was giving him.

* * *

Mark him down as surprised - Drifter was sure Shin would forget himself again and start thrusting, but he really seemed to be sticking to what he had been told. Lovely.

The Lightbearer looked up at Shin with his bearded cheek pressed against the man's thigh, face still splattered with dried blood, hard cock being tended to on the other side of it, so close. "You've behaved so well. Maybe..." Drifter pretended to consider something for just a few seconds too long. "Keep your hands where they are, but maybe you could start moving yourself, if you'd like that." Obviously, he knew what the answer to that would be.

* * *

Oh, that was a trap. That was a twenty-foot pit in the ground covered with leaves with a big sign saying 'idiot hunters this way' right next to it. But Shin was cold. And bloodied. And there was a very attractive man ghosting breath onto his flushed cock and offering to let him actually get somewhere close to coming for the first time in what felt like weeks. And he was real, real tired. So tired, in fact, that when he first managed to move it was weak, trembling. All inhibitions were soon gone though, simply trying to match pace as he fucked into the Drifter's spit-slicked hand.

* * *

It wasn't unexpected that it took Shin a little while to properly get going, since he might still be expecting some retaliation, but for once Drifter had been genuine about it. He had kept the man too close to the edge of any proper action for quite some time now, and it might be pretty unfair if he let him pass out from blood loss before he could make him finish.

"That's it, darlin'" The Lightbearer let him set the rhythm now, touch strong and encouraging, pushing him closer and closer towards his release. And finally, when Drifter judged the hunter must be quite close to it, he sank his teeth into Shin's thigh, catching at the edge of one of the cuts, tearing at the flesh.

* * *

Shin spasmed weakly, a hoarse yell ripped from him as pain and built-up anticipation met in the middle. Coming at last wasn't even the most significant aspect of the cocktail, good though it was. The mix of relief, release, vindication at having known something was up, pain, and massive pleasure simply roiled inside and through him until he realised his cheeks were wet and he'd slumped back to the floor, breathing harsh. He felt boneless, barely even in his body and more floating where it happened to be. He’d never... well. Suffice to say, this level of response was new. As he collected himself enough to think and move properly, he managed to lever himself up on one elbow from the floor.

Shin looked down at the Drifter, at his teeth, and managed a weak smile. "You bastard," he managed cheerfully enough, before letting himself fall back to the floor and drop his head to the cold metal.

* * *

Drifter's bloodied grin was one of burning triumph, getting wider when hearing the other man's words and seeing him weakly fall against the floor again, knowing that it was all his doing.

"Right back atcha." He wiped his sticky hand on the tattered remains of the hunter's trousers, then stood up. Oof, yeah, his knees were going to be pretty angry at him for a bit. But god had it been worth it.

The Lightbearer turned around and seemed to search for something for a few moments, before finding a small pile of clean cloth rags, grabbing a few of them, and then kneeling back down on the floor to wipe some of the bloody mess off the hunter, without saying a single word.

* * *

Shin leant into the touch, hissing slightly as the dry cloth snagged on the edges of the cuts. He wasn't even sure what to say, but he huffed out a laugh that was more breath than real noise and barely managed to pull himself up to a seated position. He leant in, pressing a bloodied hand to the Drifter's thigh and casting a questioning gaze his way. Didn't seem fair that they'd spend all that time getting the both of them excited but Shin wouldn't have to do anything in return.

"Mind if I lend a hand?"

* * *

He just couldn't help it - He laughed, which was probably really insensitive of him, but it was just the surprise of it more than anything else. Drifter hadn't been expecting Shin to even be able to reciprocate right now after what the hunter had had done to him.

"No offense, Malphur, but ya look like minced meat right now, and I've got a policy of not lettin' people who might pass out at any moment get their hands on my cock." Drifter got up again, letting Shin's hand fall away from him. "Nothin' personal."

He shot the man a mischievous half smile, before turning to go grab a water bottle, since he had realised the dry cloth just wasn't going to cut it. "Anyway, I'd much prefer ya owe me one. Get what's mine some other time. For now, let's get ya cleaned up, yeah?"

* * *

He looked down at himself, still mostly covered in drying blood and wounds. That was. Yeah, that was fair. God, with the endorphins fading he was really starting to feel it. He managed a grin, teeth still bloody, and the slice cut into his face twisted painfully.

"Hey, I could still kick your ass like this. Just you watch me." He looked up, watching the man go. Well, he maybe could. Probably not, at least without a new pair of pants and a gun in his hand. He grunted quietly, trying to push himself to his feet but gave up the endeavour as the hole in his leg screamed at the effort.

"I'll hold you to that," he murmured, letting the Drifter fuss if he wanted to. He paused. "Wait. I _am_ still pretty, right?"

* * *

"I certainly believe you would try." Drifter said playfully, giving a new context to the words he had used on Shin not that long ago. He was pretty convinced if someone had to get an ass kicking right now, it would not be him, but he'd rather not test that theory.

"Don't try to get up yet." He said, gruff. The Lightbearer wetted one of the rags, seemingly considering the hunter's question, before pressing the cool cloth on Shin's face wound, delicately wiping it clean. "Pretty?" He stared, cocking his head to one side. "You're the most goddamn gorgeous thing I've ever seen."

* * *

He pouted ever so slightly, eyes alive with a dopey sort of amusement. Adrenaline drop and blood loss, one hell of a cocktail right there. "Better watch your back," he muttered with a touch of put-on petulance. Voice still hurt like hell to use, all the screams and yelling had taken a toll.

He was distracted from his mild offense by the cool wet cloth. Despite the chill that was starting to seep into his bones it was a balm to his much-abused skin, and he abandoned any pretence in favour of leaning into the Drifter's hand with a low groan. "I'm not going anywhere," he managed, still barely able to even sit up properly. "But yeah. Damn straight." He tried not to take it too to heart, Drifter had to be horny as hell still and being very nice about it to boot but. Yeah. Yeah, it was nice to hear. Put a smile on his face, at least.

* * *

Better watch your back. Ha. As if Drifter knew any other way of existing. Even now, after several of their encounters, a little part of his brain was reserved for the paranoid possibility that Shin was just executing a very elaborate plan and might try to kill him at any moment. He wasn't sure if he could ever turn that off.

Still, best not to dwell on it. The Lightbearer kept cleaning up the other man best as he could, trying to be careful around the wounds. He permitted himself a little chuckle, but decided against making a comment about the hunter's massive ego.

"You might want to ask your ghost to deal with these, Shin." Drifter said casually.

* * *

Shin actually hadn't been expecting much once they were done. Well, hopefully to be staying on the ship still for at least a few more hours. Maybe another cup of coffee if there was one going spare. Not this level of care and attention though. They were Lightbearers, after all. Like Drifter said, it wasn't really all that necessary; his ghost could heal it if he wanted.

"Yeah, right. Sorry. You don't need to be doing all that, I can handle it." Though, uh. Well. He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about just getting rid of all the evidence like that. He dug his thumb idly into one of the shallower cuts, worrying at it without actually making a move to summon his ghost. They'd look good, maybe. He didn't want to scar exactly, he was a little too vain still for that but... Being marked sounded good.

* * *

Frowning slightly, in a little bit of confusion, Drifter stopped running the rag over the hunter's skin for a moment.

"That's not... I don't mind handling it. I want to. It'd be shitty to do this to ya and leave you t'deal with it on your own." He spoke looking for a sign of recognition of something that was this obvious to him on Shin's face. "I only said that because I want ya to be ok." Alright, that sounded stupid even to him. "Not too uncomfortable. Whatever."

Shin Malphur looked full of thoughts as he worried at one of his cuts, and Drifter didn't know how to interpret it. Maybe he was just regretting the whole thing.

* * *

Shin’s head tilted to one side as he obviously thought that idea through. Again, they were both... very much equipped to put up with their injuries. He’d had worse, and he knew the Drifter had so it couldn’t be like he was just a little unnerved by the blood after the fact. Was the fatigue making him stupid, that he couldn’t figure this out? Maybe, but he shrugged and resolved to let the Drifter do what he liked. He smoothed the cut he’d irritated into bleeding back over, sucking the blood from his thumb absentmindedly.

“Thought I might keep em,” he said aloud, eyes flashing up to meet the other man’s before darting away again. “For a bit, anyway.” He really didn’t want this all smoothed away easy as. He wanted to be aching the next day, for a start. It was stupid, made it harder to do his job, but it was such a good thought that he had trouble letting go of it.

* * *

The Lightbearer's eyes widened as they briefly met the other man's. Well, fuck. Shin really shouldn't be allowed to say that kind of thing, or Drifter was going to start regretting passing on his previous offer. This was a million times better than the idea of Shin walking around the Tower with his light bruises on his neck, and it made his mouth go dry.

"Well then, stop reopening them at least." He forced himself to speak, telling himself the little tremble in his voice shouldn't be noticeable at all. "And let me take care of it."

Drifter kept cleaning him up with methodical, gentle hands, the kind of careful grip he would use while expertly taking a gun apart to clean and putting it back together, treating it as if it was loaded all the while.

* * *

Yeah, this whole thing was strange, and he was torn between pretending it was totally normal and asking what the hell was going on. Drifter liked the thought of him walking around all messed up for the next few days, that much was clear. Did he think Shin couldn’t handle a few cuts though? He’d handled them fine while getting them, and hell he and the Drifter had put worse on each other while having a lot less fun with it.

He tried for a smile, adrenaline crash still leaving him off and worried that he’d say the wrong thing in this fragile silence. “I’m not gonna break,” he said aloud, face expressing at least a little of the confusion he was feeling. “Not after the fact, anyway. I’m a big boy, I can handle a little hurt.”

* * *

"That ain't the point." A half shrug. He realised now Shin was finding his behaviour somewhat confusing, which was just a little bit heart-breaking. Drifter wasn't sure how to explain himself at all, but he could try. "I know ya can handle a lot worse than this. Doesn't mean you gotta handle it alone."

Right. Most of the dried blood was off the man now, and Drifter could bet he'd start feeling the cold a lot more again now, with his clothes reduced to ruins. On instinct, he grabbed the coat he had put aside before, and offered it to the hunter again.

* * *

This... this wasn’t gonna click, he didn’t think. The two of them were talking at cross purposes, and he could either keep worrying at this or let it lie. And he was too tired to keep going after it. The movement of the cloth was soothing, leaving him feeling if not whole then at least in slightly better shape. He was just going to enjoy it while it was there, and try not to care when it turned out to be a one-off. God, but it was hard to keep himself from running fingers over the ridges and dips in the familiar landscape. He didn’t get these, didn’t have time to appreciate something and keep it there for a while. It was... novel. Nice.

He looked up at the coat, frowning. “Still bleeding a bit, remember?” He gestured to the sluggish blood making its way out from the cuts. Slower, sure, and less messy, but the coat would definitely need washing if he kept it on for longer than a few minutes. He did know another way the Drifter could warm him up though but... well, after all this it was probably a bit much.

* * *

Drifter shook his head, smiled a little. "Gotta be honest, I just said that 'cause I wanted ya wearing as little as possible." He didn't care that much about a ruined coat, not when it could be useful right now. It wasn't as if he hadn't put a lot of his own clothes through worse.

"C'mon, lemme help you into it." The Lightbearer used the fact that Shin must still be feeling a little weak and lightheaded to manhandle him gently but firmly, getting him into the coat. He had sat with his back to the nearby metal wall to do so, helping Shin from behind, and after a small internal hesitation, Drifter guided him onto his lap and put his arms around the smaller man, making sure the coat was well wrapped around him.

* * *

“Ah.” He flushed, trying not to feel stupid at not seeing through it. But he was a little foggy at the moment, so hopefully it wouldn’t be held against him. The coat was warm, thick and heavy over drained limbs, and it was strange how much colder the ship seemed now that he was a little cosier. It still smelled good, though the whole area did smell... well, mostly of blood and sex at the moment. Presumably the metal floor and walls would clean up well enough.

He went without complaint, letting the Drifter move him wherever he wanted and then curling up against him. He felt guilty for a moment longer, literally sat in the man’s lap without doing a single thing for him, but Shin had been told no so a no it was. He just leant into the warm body next to him instead, dropping his head to rest against the Drifter’s collarbone. A low, satisfied noise made its way out as he did so.

* * *

Drifter might have had the man's life in his hands before, had him literally under his knife, but there was something that was especially appealing about having him on his lap like this, the quiet vulnerability of it.

Hearing the little satisfied noise coming out of the hunter, well, it made it really hard not to imagine him falling asleep there, even spending the night, maybe. Which was obviously ridiculous. He fully expected Shin to just rest for long enough for his brain to kick back into gear, reassess, and then flee like a spooked animal.

He still decided to push his luck and give a light kiss to the top of his head. Whatever happened next, for a moment, he could just have this.

* * *

Shin's eyelids felt heavy, with his face mushed into the Drifter and a warmth suffusing his limbs. He could fall asleep here real easy, and it was hard to think of why that was a terrible idea. The sound and movement of quiet breathing was strange, used as he was to the normal berth on his ship, but the distant hum of engines was the same. And, well, it was a damn sight better than an empty barracks room in the damn tower.

He felt a pressure on his hair, arms wrapped round him, and he really shouldn't be enjoying this. Shit like this was dangerous, always had been. A figurative knife to the ribs, instead of the literal one from a little before. But the idea of getting up and leaving, well that wasn't something he was sure he'd manage right now regardless. He leaned back a little, blinking eyes open a little reluctantly, and looked up at the Drifter, still held securely. "Thanks," he managed before leaning back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "_Cut me open and the light streams out._  
_Stitch me up and the light keeps streaming out between_  
_the stitches."_  
\- Richard Siken


	4. Chapter 4

Drifter woke up the next morning in not a small amount of pain from sleeping on the metal floor, with his back against the wall. God, but he felt like a mess. It took him a moment to stretch, feeling the burn of muscles coming back to life, to be able to look around and realise Shin Malphur was nowhere to be found.

His stomach twisted a little at that, but he told himself it was just hunger. After all, he had known this would happen, it was exactly what he'd expected. No surprises there.

While he was eating a quick breakfast, wondering if Shin would now go back to his previous not-really-a-plan of avoiding Drifter, his Ghost mentally reminded him that there was a meeting organised by the vanguard that he was supposed to be attending, starting several minutes ago.

* * *

Shin was barely paying attention to the meeting at this point. He'd turned off once it had become clear that while they were making some decisions about running the place, none of them really involving him. He'd been doing the job a week, which meant that despite technically being part of the core trio he wasn't really going to be consulted until they figured out if he was worth the upkeep. And well, none of the plans involved killing folks, which left his publically-known skillset high and dry. But he was being 'kept in the loop', which to all intents and purposes meant zoning out and letting the ghost relay anything important to him.

He shifted slightly, the partially-healed cuts from the night before burning as he moved. Nobody had had the nerve to ask him why he looked cut to hell, but it had been clear that they noticed. Felt good, for some reason. Still, it made sitting still or moving equally uncomfortable and he couldn't wait for the meeting to end. The borrowed clothes were comfortable though, older in style and larger than his usual but with a belt and a little careful tucking it looked intentional rather than suggestive. Hopefully.

His thoughts drifted back to that morning. He hadn't been sure what to do once he'd woken, but he'd looked down at the Drifter sleeping and... Well. He hadn't seen him asleep in a long time. Didn't think he still went in for that kind of thing. It had felt like he was intruding somehow, creeping around where he shouldn't be and so he'd grabbed a shirt and pants and seen himself out. Good thing he seemed not to have bothered with the meeting, though. A little longer to figure out how this was going to work out would be good.

* * *

Oh, goddamn it. He had to go to this meeting - He had skipped too many in the short time he had been an official part of the Tower, and he knew Ikora was starting to run out of patience for it, which very much wasn't a situation he wanted to find himself in.

So he asked his Ghost to transmat him down, with just enough time to start putting on a black jacket to hide the blood stains on his clothes, closing it just as he walked in through the door of the meeting room with about half a slice of toasted bread still in his mouth.

Drifter ignored the looks shot his way, gesturing at one of the faction leaders (What was the name of that weirdly King-obsessed one, again?) to continue whatever he seemed to be saying to Zavala, and finished his bread as he went to grab a seat.

Of course, as soon as he saw the one next to Shin was empty, he knew where he wanted to be. He almost choked on the last crumbs when seeing the hunter, who had apparently decided to turn up to the meeting wearing both his cuts and Drifter's clothes. Thankfully he managed to disguise it as a small cough before sitting.

* * *

Oh. Never mind then, schedule very much accelerated as it were. Probably about thirty seconds to figure it out and then he was going to have to know what the plan was. That or admit that there simply wasn't one. He straightened in his chair, watching Drifter as he entered the room and decided to sit right next to him. Well, fuck then. Time to act like nothing had changed at all; he didn't even have his helmet on, so_ everyone_ here could see his face. He feigned disinterest, leaning back a little in his chair as he directed his attention to the rest of the participants. They could talk about it later, in private, if there was to be any talking done at all.

He checked back in with the ghost, who informed him with a little exasperation that repair work would be taking place and it wouldn't affect him at all unless he wanted to head to the market sometime. He thanked it, and proceeded to stop caring what Zavala was talking about.

* * *

It seemed like Shin was going with the ignoring thing again, very deliberately focusing his attention anywhere but towards Drifter as soon as he realised where he was going to choose to sit. Hmm. Maybe he could do something about that.

For now though, he put on his best attentive face and tried to catch the gist of what was being discussed, only occasionally stealing sideway glances towards the hunter. The view was simply too good to pass completely.

* * *

Shin's skin was prickling ever so slightly, and while the Lightbearer was paranoid at the best of times this was a whole other level. He could swear that the Drifter was watching him, but every time he subtly checked he was focused on the meeting. Which was good. He wanted him to be busy with other things, he just... Well anyway, he didn't trust it. Then it occurred to him that other people might be looking at him even more than before, and that probably his glances could've been noted and some kind of connection made. By that point he'd managed to stress himself out enough that his ghost intervened and told him that it wasn't going to take notes for him anymore, he could pay attention himself.

* * *

Little known fact, Drifter was pretty damn good at looking like he was paying attention to something. He nodded at all the right things, agreed just enough to look like he had an opinion but not enough to he asked to elaborate, and gave a concise, well thought out summary of how things were going with Gambit.

At the same time, about halfway through all of that, he had leaned slightly forward into the table, one arm resting on it, a perfectly innocent position, really, except for the remaining hand which had come to rest right on top of Shin Malphur's left knee.

* * *

Shin was just at the point where his attention was already waning, drained by talk about turnout and budgets and rotas and his complete inability to maintain attention. Not even Gambit talk could perk him up, focused as it was on the admin side rather than anything of any _use. _

It was then that he froze for a moment, before deliberately coughing quietly to ensure that his movement wasn't as obvious. He leant forward over the table, just to shield what was happening from any prying eyes. So, this was what they were doing now?

* * *

Drifter had to catch himself smirking and quickly turn it into a polite smile. He had almost expected Shin to jump right out of his chair, but of course that'd be a bit hard to explain, and the hunter had always been too concerned with appearances to make a scene.

The way Shin leaned into the table, making whatever happened under it a lot less likely to be noticed, emboldened Drifter. Really, _really_ slowly, he started running his hand upwards.

* * *

Shin bit the inside of his cheek, the only outward sign that anything was wrong a slight tensing of the shoulders and him blinking a little faster than usual. All pretty decent tells if you knew him well, but there was only one person here who'd gotten the opportunity and he was damn sure he didn't need the clue.

He shifted, feeling the hand stroke its way from somewhere relatively safe to more dangerous territory. Not least because he still had a hole in his leg where the Drifter's hand was resting, and he didn't trust him not to use it to his advantage. He tried desperately to pay attention, steadfastly refusing to look the ghost in the eye.

* * *

It was a such a conflict the rogue Lightbearer now had to deal with, wanting to be keenly tuned into every single one of Shin's little tells, but obviously needing to look like he wasn't paying any attention at all to the man sitting next to him. Still, the way the muscles twitched under his touch already made it worth it.

"We've already formally welcomed our new Hunter Vanguard." Drifter had to tune back into whatever it was Zavala was saying, because it seemed to be aimed in their direction. "But I'd like to take the opportunity to do so again, and enquire about how the process of settling into the position is going so far?"

Oh, but that was too perfect. They wanted Shin to speak. Drifter gave him a little squeeze, perhaps as a sort of mocking encouragement, or a reminder of what the both of them had been up to since the hunter became a vanguard.

* * *

It took a moment for Shin to realise that people were actively looking at him now. Desperately, he replayed the last few moments over in his head until the ghost took pity and mentally gave him the question he'd been asked. "Settling in?" Stay cool. Good thing he had a reputation to play off that could probably excuse any behavioural oddities. Other thing was that this was some bureaucratic nonsense and a part of him resented it. Hadn't done 'team' meetings back in the dark ages, nor in the Shadows; didn't see the point of them now.

He shrugged, slow and languid. "Kids aren't a fan of the new dad. They'll live with it. No complaints otherwise." Yeah, that was all he had to give. The wound was aching at the pressure and if he started bleeding all over the Drifter's pants then that wasn't gonna be his problem.

* * *

Shin had always been a good actor, so it wasn't all that surprising that he managed to keep his composure remarkably well, though obviously through saying just as little as he could get away with. Drifter thought about asking a question, throwing a little comment at him, but decided against it. He contented himself with making his hand creep even further upwards, thumb tracing the slightly raised line of the cut he knew was hiding under the fabric.

Hmm. Maybe he'd start attending these meetings more often. Definitely not as boring as he remembered.

Zavala did seem to accept the hunter's answer, and after a nod moved onto the next topic.

* * *

He swallowed. Aw hell, nobody better look at him for the next while because he was not going to be able to hold up under close scrutiny. He dug his thumb into the ball of his hand, hiding the motion behind clasped hands, sweating just a little at the gentle touches in very sensitive areas.

His thigh muscles flexed ever so slightly, pulling on the wounded skin further but allowing at least some of the sensations there to be under his control. Staring resolutely ahead, he tuned in for one moment to hear something about the canteen and immediately tuned out again.

* * *

Drifter indulged himself with a quick look, just a couple of seconds, and then had to hide his grin with the back of his free hand. Damn, he loved what he saw. Whole body marvellously tense, slight sheen of sweat, and all those lovely wounds. The Lightbearer grabbed hard at the hunter's thigh and pulled towards himself, forcing him to open his legs wider.

Shin might want to try to kick his ass for this later, but as long as Drifter got to get his hands on him as well, that was fine by him.

* * *

Oh, someone had to have noticed that move, surely? Nobody reacted though, and he couldn't spot any glances directed their way. Not even the clearly bored ones whose attention was drifting around the room were taking any real note besides a dead-eyed glance at him before shifting away.

His legs spread, it was a little harder to ignore the issue going on below and he was very grateful that these pants were less tight than his usual. He directed his gaze a little further down towards the table, in the hopes that his hood and hair might hide a little of the stress on his face. Drifter was enjoying this, he knew.

* * *

Having spread the hunter's legs gave him much better access, especially with the clothes being a little big on him. Drifter found the length of Shin's member over the trousers, and hummed his approval in a way that anyone else in the room could just interpret as agreement with the current topic. Scheduling of the next training drills, or something like that, if the keywords he was catching were anything to go by.

Lazily, Drifter let his fingers trace the outline of it, up and down, while resting his chin on his free hand, elbow propped on the table.

* * *

Shin just barely managed to stay silent, hunching over a little to brace against the table better. Maybe he could pass this off as an injury or something that would provide an excuse to be this twitchy. He bit down onto the already mangled skin inside his mouth, tasting a little blood, with his thighs trembling beneath the table.

This was a familiar form of torture, yes, but now there were stakes besides his own stubbornness. One week into his tenure, little though he cared about the job, he really didn't want to be found with a hard-on in the middle of one of Zavala's lectures.

* * *

Having Shin's thighs trembling under his hand was delightful, every little ripple increasing his satisfaction. Just wanting to feel them better for a moment, Drifter stopped his hand, resting the entire open palm on top of it.

"Everything alright there?" Ikora said, apparently when there was a lull in the conversation, face serious and staring straight at Shin.

Drifter looked away casually, innocently, but didn't remove his hand.

* * *

He stopped breathing for a long moment, trying desperately to rein it in or even lessen the contact in a way that wouldn't be immediately noticeable. Nothing would work, though; he was well and truly hemmed in by the chair and table. Nothing to do but endure and hope that everything would be over soon.

He didn't really register that the question had been directed towards him, until the silence had stretched on a little too long and he raised his head slowly. "Just, uh," he paused. "Medical complaint." He gestured vaguely to... well, to the mess that was himself. "Ignore me."

* * *

The Lightbearer had to bite his lower lip to keep a small chuckle from escaping his mouth at the words 'medical complaint', reflexively grabbing harder at Shin's thigh again at the same time.

"It's becoming a distraction." Was the Warlock vanguard's response, icy. "You might be excused, if you must deal with it."

Drifter's eyebrows raised slightly, waiting to see what the hunter said to that. If he took this out, maybe Drifter could find another excuse to follow after him in a few minutes, or maybe, judging by Ikora's mood, he might have to stay until the boredom actually killed him.

* * *

He straightened a little, jaw set in response to the chastisement. He didn't like that look on her face, not one bit, but regardless of what it meant it wasn't like any of this was exactly his fault. Lot of stuff was happening to him; he hadn't asked for it, and he didn't particularly appreciate any of it either.

"Oh, so sorry," he replied, matching ice with ice, hand on his crotch almost forgotten in sheer affront. "Don't let me interrupt anything." So saying, he managed with an iron force of will to maintain a more casual posture and waved for the meeting to continue.

* * *

Damn. Shin was not happy. If he hadn't been biting his lip still, Drifter's mouth might be hanging open right now. The rogue Lightbearer wasn't exactly known for his respect for authority, but he wouldn't dare talking to Ikora like that. He was not risking being on her bad side.

Thankfully, she didn't add anything else, and Zavala cleared his throat before bringing up the next point of discussion for the day, bringing all the attention to himself.

"Holy shit, dude." Drifter whispered under his breath. He suddenly felt a bit frozen, not knowing if it would be worse to keep his hand there or withdraw it completely at this point.

* * *

Well, that was gonna come back to bite him in the ass later, he knew it, but 'later' made it a problem for future Shin and not present Shin who would have otherwise had to stand and walk out with a probably discernible erection. Might as well go down for something ballsy and stupid instead of something that embarrassing. The hand on his cock had stopped fucking moving too, finally. He kept his eyes fixed on the titan vanguard, just waiting for this whole thing to end and for Ikora or his own dick (or possibly the Drifter) to kill him.

"Shut up," he breathed, still not looking over at the Drifter. Felt good, just a little. Might as well enjoy the control he could get over the situation, it sure as hell wasn't going to last.

* * *

Not seeing any other options, Drifter did what he had been told for once. Meeting was looking like it should start to wrap up soon, anyway.

The Lightbearer gave Shin's dick a couple small pats, smoothed his hand over the length of his thigh and then left it fall from it, innocently putting it in his own lap now like it had been there all along.

Truth is, he had had too much fun with it, damn the consequences. And if that sentiment didn't encapsulate perfectly this whole new thing between them, nothing else would.

* * *

Shin breathed a little easier, willing himself to calm down and for his body to stop dancing to the Drifter's tune. His shoulders relaxed a little, not quite trusting that he wouldn't start messing with him again when he'd let his guard down. Calm, attentive, definitely not on edge and waiting for the next time the Drifter would decide for him what was going to happen to his body.

His stomach sank even as his pulse quickened. Yeah, that was the theme wasn't it? That was the common thread. Maybe he'd need to self-examine on that sometime.

To his surprise, the meeting wrapped up not soon after with an opportunity for questions which was studiously ignored by the majority of attendants. The representative of the New Monarchy faction managed to corner Zavala as the session itself came to an end, and as Ikora moved to rescue him Shin made a move for the door.

* * *

Finally, the meeting was over, and Drifter let Shin get up and out of the door a couple seconds before trailing behind him, trying not to seem too obvious, though really almost everyone there was eager to get out anyway.

"Hmm, good meeting. Best we've had in a while." He said, when he caught up with the hunter, using the same pleasant tone someone might use to talk to a neighbour about the weather.

As calm as he looked, his pulse betrayed a certain amount of trepidation and uncertainty about what would happen next.

* * *

"Ikora," he said aloud, checking carefully to see if there was anyone lingering nearby and finding the coast clear, "is going to murder me for something that is _definitely _your fault." He paused, running a hand through damp hair. "So when she comes for me, I'm gonna push you in the way of the bullet. And then myself so nobody ever tells me anything else about _budget surplus._ Christ. You live through those?"

He stopped, breathing in deeply. "Your pants have blood on them now too and I'm not taking responsibility for that."

* * *

Drifter couldn't help but grin at that. "Guess I can't say I don't deserve that. Just tryin' to pass the time, though." He crossed his arms, then gave a quick shrug. "Not often, but I have to attend from time to time. I think it makes Zavala happy to get everyone together in the same room."

He raised an eyebrow as he looked down at his trousers on Shin's body. "Yeah, that one's on me." His grin had turned into a smirk now, with a teasing edge. "But y'know, you're really giving a guy mixed messages here. Leave him in the middle of the night, but still turn up wearing his clothes."

* * *

"You got a hell of a way to kill time," he muttered. "Well, you an' Zavala both I guess." He blanched at the thought that brought up, and quickly shook his head as if to dispel it.

He looked down at himself. Definitely bloodied, thanks to a certain somebody's absorption with making Shin hurt and horny at the same time. "Well, a certain_ someone_ sliced my nice pants up," he replied, raising an eyebrow. "Anyway, maybe I wasn't trying to send any kind of message at all." Damn, the urge to kiss that bastard smirk off his face was strong.

* * *

"Sure. And your ghost couldn't have gotten you some of your own stuff?" The question was more meant to tease him than anything else - Drifter had quickly noticed that Shin seemed to have quite a strong aversion to even very peripherally involving his Ghost with certain things. It didn't make much sense to Drifter, who really just couldn't care less about what his own saw or thought of him.

"I didn't say ya were tryin' for it, just that you'll have to forgive a man for being a lil' confused. Anyway, ya can keep those, and the coat too, if you still have it." Drifter winked at him. "Looks better on you."

* * *

Hggh. The mortifying concept of doing that hadn't even occurred to him. The Drifter and his ghost had their own weird unhealthy relationship, sure, but... No. His face did something strange and he shook his head slightly. He and the ghost would be remaining very separate throughout this entire endeavour, and he knew it was as relieved about that as he was.

Shin might have preened a little on the inside at the compliment though, just a little. "I was gettin' it washed," he replied. Since, well. You know." He paused, frowning ever so slightly as a thought occurred. "You know, a more suspicious man might start counting up all these things I owe you and notice they're multiplying by the day." That might've been the intention, or maybe just a happy coincidence for the Drifter. He didn't trust it totally though.

* * *

A short laugh, a shake of the head. "You always expect the worst of me, Malphur." It wasn't something he had planned deliberately, the way he was implying, but he'd be lying if he didn't admit just how much he really, really liked it. "Maybe 'm actually just nice like that."

Hovering above his shoulder for a second before disappearing again, Drifter's Ghost gave him a nudge to get his attention and sent a reminder.

"Ah, I'm expected to start running Gambit matches now." The Lightbearer said.

* * *

Shin wasn't necessarily prepared for the disappointment that caused. He had his own stuff going on too, a whole job that he'd been given which. Ah. _Did _involve Ikora Rey, given that she was either his co-worker or his supervisor and he'd_ definitely _pissed her off. So, perhaps this place and his job should be avoided for his own wellbeing.

An idea occurred and he bit his lip. Closed his eyes for a moment. "Ok, so I realise we _just _did this but I find myself in need of maybe somewhere to lay low in the interim. Since, you know, somebody might've gotten me in trouble with my boss." He raised his eyebrows. "Mind getting me the hell off the Tower again?" Worst case scenario he'd say no and he'd know how they stood going forward.

* * *

Drifter raised an eyebrow at that. Technically it was true that if Shin had found himself in a little bit of an uncomfortable situation with the warlock vanguard it was Drifter's fault, but it also seemed just a little too convenient. Gambit had changed a lot since the version Shin was initially sold on and helped with, and Drifter felt more than a little protective of it.

Finally, though, he nodded his approval of the idea. "Sure, ya can come with if you'd like." Quickly, he thought of something else that felt necessary to add. "Do stay outta sight of my players, though. Gambit's my show."

* * *

One day he was gonna have to stop running away from every problem he couldn't shoot in the head, he reflected. Not today though. Not when he was still half keyed up and totally unsure as to what was even going on between the two of them. One problem at a time, right? And this one he could probably shoot in the head if worst came to worst. That or he'd get a bullet, at which point his other problems would assuredly become someone else's to deal with. Drifter's, ideally. Would serve him right.

Shin huffed out a laugh with a hint of buried bitterness. "Sure. Wouldn't do either of us any good to have my name anywhere near the thing, right?" Last thing he wanted was to have to deal with the meatheads that frequented the Drifter's arena. 'Sides, one of them might tell Ikora where he was and that'd be its own hell.

* * *

"You know it." Drifter agreed, though frowning slightly at the tone. Shin had made his feelings about what Drifter had built here plenty clear, after he had revealed the Primevals. And things in Gambit had only gotten more intense since then, really.

"We might have gone legit now, Tower official and everythin', but players still come t'get a bit of that illicit fun feeling." The rogue Lightbearer explained, half smiling. "Can't have that if I've got the newest vanguard looking over my shoulder as I host."

* * *

Shin nodded, trying not to let any misgivings he had show. He was being done a favour, and he'd appreciate it as best he could. Gambit had... good aspects, he could admit. There was a reason he'd had mixed feelings about it, rather than outright hatred.

"Don't you worry about that. Last thing I want is any of those kids knowing where I am."

If there was anything he'd learned so far over the course of his tenure, it was that besides the actual work of the job he really wasn't a fan of dealing with guardians _en masse_. Even if the ones playing Gambit might be a little less stick in the mud than the ones who didn't.

* * *

Drifter laughed. "Y'know you're gonna have to deal with 'em eventually, right? Kinda a requirement of the job. Besides, a lot of them ain't that bad."

Drifter's ghost sent him an insistent reminder of today's predicted Gambit schedule, and the Lightbearer rolled his eyes at it. "Fine. So if that's sorted, I'll see ya on the ship." He didn't wait for a response, just transmatted himself into the control room aboard the Derelict.

* * *

Ugh. If Shin had wanted kids, he'd have... Well, probably not gotten one anyway to be honest but if he'd found one he might not have sent it packing. He just had difficulty finding patience for the ones which spent their time pestering him constantly about treasure hunts or whatever it was the old vanguard had done. Or the several which had thought him old and dumb enough not to notice them try trip him off the tower. Sighing, he looked down at himself and the blood splotch on the trouser leg. More washing. He set off for his room to get geared up in some inconspicuous armour and helmet, just in case, before setting his transmat for the Derelict.

* * *

As soon as he got to the room, the Gambit host jumped right into action, firing up the control panel, screens flickering on. The transmat room was prepared, everything quickly ready to send the teams straight into enemy infested arenas. The Drifter's game was a pretty efficient machine these days.

Before long, he had already welcomed everyone and sent then to fight some Cabal, and then it was time to return to the control room to follow the match.

* * *

Mindful of the potential for random guardians to be transmatting in everywhere, Shin had altered the coordinates just slightly to the room he'd transmatted out of yesterday. One of the old side rooms, hadn't been used for much besides shoving stuff they couldn't get rid of but didn't have much of a use for at the time. It was empty and unused these days, and he'd wondered what had happened to the things they'd all left behind. Probably floating in space somewhere, or down on planet. Or shoved away in one of those siderooms with all the other junk Drifter couldn't be bothered to sort through.

When he arrived, the ship was still pretty much quiet besides the faint noise of a voice down one corridor so he just followed it as stealthily as he could manage, on the lookout for anything or anyone that could be a problem soon.

* * *

One of the teams had already managed to get enough motes into their bank to get the first activation of the invader portal. The guardian that went through it looked quite nervous and inexperienced with that area of the game, so Drifter opened the comms to send some encouragement their way. They managed to kill two of the players in the opposite team, before the time ran out and Drifter send them back, though they had only had a couple motes each. Still, not too bad though.

He was standing up, chair pushed to one side, just slightly leaning over the control panel. Drifter had already been sitting down for longer than he'd usually be able to stand it at the meeting, which had left him feeling a bit restless, not even accounting for the effect of the events between him and Shin in it. Speaking of Shin, where the hell was the man? Getting cold feet again?

* * *

This was relatively familiar territory, the floor beaten by enough footfall to be noticeable. He trailed the tips of his fingers along the wall, taking care to step over the places where he could tell the plating would squeak. Not that he knew where he was going really, damn corridors had always looked the same to him. Wherever he was though, he wasn't going to be heard.

"-Next time," he heard, a little closer as he turned the corner, and a thought occurred to him. He slowed his footsteps further, treading as silently as could be managed as he made his way towards what must be the control room. It'd be good to know exactly how in shape his skills were, and how much of a drop he could get on the Drifter. Not, as he uncomfortably noted, for any real lethal purpose at the moment. But, well. In case.

* * *

Oh, speak of the devil.

One of the screens at the lower left corner, smaller than all the others, was divided to show the view from four different cameras. Two of them covered each of the rows for the two teams in the transmat room, another one pointed to the platform where Drifter hosted, and well, the last one showed a view of the corridor that went from here into the transmat room.

Right now it showed a certain hunter taking some pretty careful steps to avoid being heard. Half of the rogue Lightbearer wanted to laugh, but the other half was blasting paranoia alarms inside his brain. Finally he decided to get Malfeasance from his holster but pretend he hadn't noticed anything, and wait for the other man to make a move.

* * *

Shin moved closer, each footfall almost entirely silent and deliberately placed. Too slow to be truly efficient in all but some very specific circumstances, but nonetheless. He reached the door, pausing there as he checked for any light sources. None in the hallway bright enough to cast a shadow dark enough to disturb the room's lighting. Shoddy work, a good way to give yourself dark blindness. Good for his purposes, though, and he had the Drifter's back at least.

There was a moment of discomfort before he crossed the threshold; this felt. Off. Too easy, really. He knew the Drifter was a paranoid bastard, and Shin's best was usually just enough to keep up with it. Still, no point in chickening out now. He moved closer, frame tight with the sort of nerves that always accompanied something so high stakes whether they were practice or real.

* * *

Not wanting to give anything away, Drifter kept up giving comments and directions to the players while tracking Shin's progress on the screen, right until he saw the man go for the door, and he turned around, raising his gun.

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Malphur." He was smiling, but it was lightless, eyes hard. "Mind tellin' me what the fuck you're trying here?"

Maybe shooting him immediately would have been a safer bet, but if he had something to say for himself Drifter kind of wanted to hear it.

* * *

Shin slumped, all tension lost. "Aw hell," he grumbled. "What gave it away?" His demeanour really didn't seem to match the other's though, and the pistol actually seemed raised with intent. Possibly he'd miscalculated somewhat as to how well this would be taken. He didn't bother going for his gun, not least because while he might be a quickdraw and a half, a gun a few feet from his chest was always going to win that kind of fight. Instead he raised his hand, intending to use one finger to push the barrel to the side.

This wasn't, he decided, how he was going to go out. Plus, well. There was no surprise on the Drifter's face, just a hardened coldness. And he didn't have an answer to the question that didn't sound dumb and unbelievable now he thought it through, so he ignored it. "Did you know this entire time?" He asked instead, trying not to look quite so petulant as he felt at that complaint.

* * *

The Lightbearer frowned when the other man saw him and didn't immediately make a move for his own gun. His entire behaviour was not as expected, and it forced Drifter to stop himself and reconsider the whole thing.

So much so that when Shin tried to push the barrel aside with one finger, he actually let him, letting his arm fall entirely. He sighed heavily, making a small wave with the hand still holding the gun to indicate the screen he had been watching before. "Shin. I've got fuckin' cameras everywhere in this part of the ship."

* * *

Well, fuck. Yeah, that read. Hell, he'd been played well hadn't he? That stung, particularly that he'd miss something that obvious. He'd been having fun, too, stretching figurative limbs that he hadn't used since either walking into a place was enough to get a gun down his throat or nobody knew who the hell he was enough to care. Guess the guy really must not sleep to be on edge like that the entire time.

"Gotta hand it to you," he admitted. "That's its own level of paranoid. Place like this though... I can get it." He paused, frowning. "Wait, were those here back when?" He'd maybe done some dumb shit on this boat. Not that could traced back to him, but the Drifter knew who it was beneath that hood. Being on tape had never rested easy with him, that was why he usually checked. Getting cocky, Malphur.

* * *

"Can ya blame me? I thought you were gonna go for it 'n try to gun me down." He said, quite matter of fact. Obviously that didn't seem to be the case, but Drifter really didn't understood what the point had been otherwise."You should be glad I'm such a paranoid bastard, or I might not have seen ya comin' with enough time to think, and you'd have a bullet in you right now."

Which wouldn't be good news for anyone, really, so wasn't it nice that Drifter had had the foresight to avoid it. Still not fully taking it out of the menu, though.

As a response to the hunter's last question, Drifter shook his head. "Nah. Installed later with all the rest of the Gambit stuff."

* * *

Ha. Shin would feel hurt, but honestly he'd be more upset if the Drifter ever stopped being wary of him. Their last few... encounters... aside, he prided himself in being one scary son of a bitch. Still, that wouldn't do.

"Aw," he said with a grin, "I come for you, you're gonna know." The grin turned sharp at that last, every bit as filled with promise as the Drifter's had been empty. If he had to kill the other, he was gonna watch the light fade from his eyes then put a bullet into his ghost. Then a few more into him, just to be sure. It was good to know he wouldn't have to hunt down footage after, though. Reassuring, that.

"Besides, I can take a bullet or two." Unless the first shot was a good one, a fast kill, then the next would be Shin's and his was guaranteed a perfect shot. Gut wound or no.

* * *

Drifter watched Shin's face, his own gone serious. He was under no impressions that the Man with the Golden Gun wasn't still considering having to proper kill him someday, regardless of how they'd been passing the time together lately. Hell, if he knew everything Drifter got up to, he'd probably want to do it now.

"I'd rather you don't give me a reason to shoot ya right now, if I gotta be honest." He said, tiredly, leaving the gun on top of the control panel and turning to look at the screens again. "Busy enough as is."

* * *

Shin followed, glad that the other was at least letting his guard down from the iron defence he'd been employing before. Still wasn't a great start, and he was still an idiot, but he guessed that if he hadn't been kicked out yet he still had some capital remaining with the man. He moved a little closer, peering with difficulty over the taller man's shoulder. A game was in process, though he couldn't exactly tell which group was winning. Drifter was right about being busy though, it was even more chaotic than Shin remembered.

"I'll do my best," he allowed, gaze still flicking from screen to screen. There looked to be some promise in the newer ranks at least. Maybe when they flew the nest at last he might run into them someday.

* * *

The more seasoned players would definitely have noticed that their host had been silent for longer than usual, so Drifter made a point of quickly going back to his usual commentary. Checking the screens, he could quickly assess how the match was going - One of the teams was just now summoning their Primeval, with the other one struggling to get past half a bank, due mostly to the way several of its players kept trying to go for 15 motes instead of banking earlier. He kept trying to incentivise banking more often, but some guardians just wouldn't learn.

"Go for the envoys!" He shouted at the team currently leading.

* * *

Shin leaned in, noting the appearance of the massive taken monster. Hmm. Well. He'd had difficulties remembering the feeling of how much he'd hated the Drifter when they'd fallen out last time. This reminded him a little. It was duller this time, muted by time and everything that had happened since. But, well. There was the betrayal, writ large in front of four guardians who were going up against it for fun. He watched as one was flung across the arena, colliding hard with a wall and lying still before its ghost got to work.

He knew there'd been two betrayals, sure. He wasn't innocent in that regard. But his had been planned, inescapable from the moment he set foot aboard the ship. Drifter at least could've told him long before and it woulda stung a lot less than the way it'd shaken out. Shin's lie would've been shit no matter which way it shook out.

* * *

The Lightbearer watched Shin look at the Primeval, not sure how the man would react or feel about it. Drifter almost felt like he had to add a justification, which was absurd - He had done all the explaining possible after the initial reveal, and it still hadn't counted for anything. And it had been necessary. Not necessary like Shin thought his deception about his identity had been, but something with stakes and ramifications way beyond that.

"It's not as bad as you'd think." He said, finally, voice going a little softer. "Some of 'em have gotten real good at killing these things. It's helpin' prepare them."

Which yeah, wasn't the only purpose of his Gambit, but he wasn't about to ever bring that side of it up.

* * *

Shin's eyes went dead, just a little. He didn't react otherwise, just kept breathing. Kept blinking. Very carefully, he took all the kneejerk responses to that that piled up on the tip of his tongue just waiting to overflow like bile. He swallowed them, burying everything he wanted to say deep down, and kept watching. His words from a week ago came back to him._ 'you killing kids these days?'_ Onscreen, a titan who'd been so focused on trying to even injure the behemoth that he hadn't seen the pack of approaching thrall was brought down, dark claws ripping into wiring and metal as their ghost bolted for the safe zone.

"Sure," he said only, neither agreement not disagreement but just a noise to indicate that he'd heard.

* * *

There wasn't much else Drifter could say to that. He simply concentrated on running the final phase, and let Shin come to his own conclusions. Maybe he just needed some time to get used to it, or to stop associating it with some pretty nasty memories. Or maybe he'd decided to throw another tantrum over it, whatever. Either way nothing Drifter would say could probably help much.

The team that had summoned their Primeval first killed it quite quickly, and Drifter called it there, sending them all back to the transmat room.

"I'm gonna give them a few minutes before round two." He said, finally looking at Shin again.

* * *

As the game ended, the primeval crumpling into darkness and death, he noted the guardians dropping from intent focus on destruction to a more casual, cheerful demeanour. One of them bumped fists with a teammate, slinging his grenade launcher back over one shoulder and ambling off to chat with one of the others.

"You ever start rooting for one team over another?" He asked out loud eventually, voice still flat but with at least an attempt at warmth. "Just get fond of 'em?"

* * *

Almost pleasantly surprised, Drifter chuckled brightly. "Oh, all the time, brother. I love a good underdog story." As he explained, his lips curved subtly in a small smile. "Or when I see 'em coordinating well, helping each other out. The ones that don't often win but keep comin' right back, tryin' their best every time."

He stopped meeting the other man's eye, looking back at the screen, too aware of how soft all that probably made him sound. "Would be hard not to, really."

* * *

This was a new weird side to the Drifter. One he hadn't had much of a chance to see before. There'd been affection, sure, but he and the rest of his crew had been, as far as the Drifter knew, big and nasty enough to take care of themselves. There hadn't been that note of protectiveness in his voice, or that level of affection. Hadn't even known the man was capable of it, really. He gave the guy a long look, tilting his head.

"Never knew you to be so attached," he replied. Couldn't understand it himself, he'd never been so great at individuals. They all blurred into one after a while unless they were particularly useful.

* * *

"Hmm. There's a lot ya don't know about me, Malphur, believe it or not." He said, trying to keep his voice casual. He could feel the other man's eyes heavy on him.

Attachments were dangerous, Drifter wasn't so stupid that he didn't know that, it had gotten him burned enough times in the past. But trying to avoid them hadn't ever worked out for him either.

"Fuckin' full of surprises, that's me." The Lightbearer just glanced quickly towards Shin, before going back to the control panel to send the players back for round two.

* * *

"And whose fault is that?" He murmured without thinking, then immediately regretted it. It wasn't fair and it wasn't true, but it had been an easy way to take the heat off himself and back onto the Drifter. He didn't know how to take it back without losing face though, and he didn't know how to even start that conversation. He shook his head, face twisting, and hoped that he hadn't been overheard.

He didn't know how to feel about any of those things, but the Drifter was right. He didn't know shit about him and where he was coming from, he just knew the lies they'd both told and the threat he might still be. Didn't sit right, but it wasn't like he'd get any answers soon.

* * *

He actually flinched at Shin's words, mouth twisting. "Plenty of fault for us to share, if ya ask me."

Drifter couldn't really elaborate though, having to go straight back into the management of the match. For a few minutes he just concentrated exclusively on it, until the round seemed to pick up the pace.

He kept staring at the screens once he started talking again, voice going lower, just a little rough from the shouting he had done at the players. "Didn't think you'd care to know most of it, is all." A pause, while he decided on something. "Ya can ask away, now. Anything you want. I can't promise I'll be able to give answers to everythin', but I can promise not t'lie."

* * *

Yeah. He deserved that, he did, and tried not to bristle at the accusation in his tone. He wasn't wrong, so why did that rub him so badly? Instead, Shin stayed silent and watched the man work. His mind wandered a little despite the action happening onscreen, drifting to the flex of the Drifter's hands on the counter, the creases his face made as he yelled encouragement at the new lights, the way the screen lights made his eyes look empty and dark. Nothing useful, but. Well, he didn't know. He just drank it in, waiting.

When things were done, though, and the Drifter made his offer. Well, that required some real thought. He leaned back, watching the other for a long moment. "You're invested in this. Real invested. Way, way more than you let any of us know. Why?"

* * *

Oof. Of course Shin Malphur had to go straight for a real heavy question like that. Should have expected it, really. Drifter wasn't too sure why he had even offered, except that he had disliked hearing the bitterness in the other man's voice, and had instinctively wanted to find a way to make it better. Just ridiculous.

He couldn't stop to give that too much thought, though. He had a question to answer.

"Well," Drifter started, carefully. "I believe what I'm doing here really is important. I couldn't have anyone interfering with some... key parts of it. It's my thing, and I need it, and that's all I can say." He crossed his arms. "Next one?"

* * *

Well, that said nothing. Only not quite, and he just knew he was going to be thinking over that one later. Probably late at night, staring up at the ceiling wondering if he was doing everything wrong. Maybe it was innocent, maybe he just cared a lot about something he'd put a lot of work into but... well. Maybe not. There were implications, to a thing like this. Similarities that it might not be politic to examine too closely. No way to tell without making even more of an enemy than before. He wondered if that would stop him.

"And that fireteam? The one that died?" Might as well get it out of the way. He hadn't liked what he'd heard from some places in the tower. Guardians going for pain rather than a clean kill, going for a kill instead of an objective. Kids going down and staying down. Didn't like that one bit, not without a good cause for it.

* * *

The Lightbearer sighed. Took him long enough to bring that one up, really. "There was an investigation, all proper-like. I could get you the report, if ya like." That Aunor warlock sure had been thorough, to say the least. "I wasn't found to be at fault. No different than a death in the field."

He was all too aware that what amounted to 'legally, there is no evidence against me' wasn't likely convince the other man too much, so he continued. "They got way too cocky. Careless. They woulda gotten got here in Gambit, or in the EDZ, or fuckin' Mars, eventually. Just happened to be here."

* * *

Yeah, he'd be chasing that up. Deaths happened, sure. Under supervision though, that was a hell of a reach. Nevertheless, he nodded slowly. He was all too well aware that the two of them might've known each other well at one time, but these days... Well. Ha. They'd definitely _known_ each other, in a certain sense, but there was a lot left unspoken still. He didn't want to think that the other would get any of those kids killed as didn't deserve it, and for sure the way he acted about them didn't bear that out.

He tilted his head slightly, considering. "And the ones who're going bad? What's the plan there, if I'm apparently not a good enough judge of who'll start ripping the light out of the others soon enough?"

* * *

He looked slightly uncomfortable at that question. There really wasn't a good answer to that one, was there? The very fact of how it was constructed showed the disconnect between their different ways of thinking.

"Case by case basis, I'd guess. If it comes to that we can look into it together." Drifter gave him a look, _'I'm not letting you decide this on your own'._ Shin put way too much weight on some nebulous concept of Not Crossing The Line, or potential but not yet realised evil, which was all useless to consider as far as Drifter was concerned.

* * *

Huh. Well, they'd see about that. Drifter had always been too conservative. Too willing to wait until the lot of them were dead to admit that the removal of a rotten one might be necessary. It confused him a hell of a lot; surely they'd both seen enough meaningless death to want to root it out? To make the deaths they had to cause meaningful? But no, apparently not. He met the gaze with his own. It wasn't defiance, exactly, but there was a flavour of it there amongst a lot of other things.

"I'm not getting anything useful outta you any time soon," he said aloud, pulling his helmet off as his ghost faded it away for him. Tired, suddenly, he ran a hand over his face and through his hair, pulling on it a little bit. "You got more matches coming? Want me to sit down and shut up?"

* * *

Seeing the hunter take his helmet off always made him feel like something was clawing at his stomach, just for a few moments. Ah, goddamn it. You'd think he should be used to it by now.

He tried not to stare now that he could see his face properly, and turned to look at the screens, pushed a few buttons. "It's your choice. This match about to finish anyway, same team is way in the lead, and I might just stop for a bit after this. I ain't exactly very focused right now." A half shrug. Then, after a few moments, the Lightbearer looked back at Shin, a small, almost playful smile on his lips. "Again, your choice if ya ain't got any more questions, but I am doin' my best at answering honestly, and don't think you're gettin' this chance again any time soon."

* * *

God, Shin didn't feel like he could handle any more real questions. He wasn't getting any real answers, nothing he could use 'cept to inform himself on whatever terrible choice would certainly need making someday. The Drifter seemed waiting for something though, and some part of him left over from the day before didn't want to disappoint with a desperation he wouldn't have thought he could manage.

"Well then," he replied, just throwing out whatever was floating around in his head. "How am I supposed to be paying you back? I remember owing you one."

* * *

Ah, good, this he knew how to navigate better. Serious questions were a minefield for both of them, one misstep could blow up whatever fragile truce they had seemed to develop lately, stakes set way too high. But this he could have a little fun with.

"Well, don't you sound eager." Drifter grinned. "Maybe I'm still thinking about it, huh? Considering the possibilities." His tone was light-hearted, but there was something sharp in his gaze.

* * *

Shin raised his eyebrows high, gaze conveying his scepticism in that regard. Sure, he wasn't a massive fan of debts hanging over his head. That was sensible for a man in his line of work; people took offense when you started going by a new name and face - seemed to think there was some kind of evasion going on. So debts got paid off fast, in case someone started gunning for you.

"Sounds like a man who can't decide what he wants to me," he replied, leaning back a little and letting the Drifter take in his lithe form. Man better understand what he was missing out on if he was going to keep edging around the question.

* * *

"Hmmm. Maybe." Maybe the hunter was right, and a man couldn't quite decide what he wanted. Maybe someone liked being in control so much that even the potential of reciprocal vulnerability was hard to deal with. Y'know, if they were going to start with the bullshit psychoanalysis.

Drifter had to bite the inside of his mouth to physically stop himself from walking closer and touching the other man, because that was so clearly the effect Shin was going for. "Maybe I just won't do anything at all."

It was a bluff, and probably a pretty clear one too, really.

* * *

Shin's mouth fell open slightly, before closing with a sharp _click_ of teeth on teeth. Sometimes he wondered if the Drifter just knew him well enough to pick every little thing that would drive him utterly mad. Probably not, just an educated guess at best, but... Well, the thought of that hanging over his head, being indebted to the other man for as long as he thought it necessary and never able to cut that tie...

It was a strange mix of revulsion and want that the thought inspired, and it must have shown on his face despite his best efforts. He shook his head.

"I'm sure there has to be something you want to even up the score a little." He worried at his lip, injuries showing up dark and vivid in the screens' light. Blinking slowly, placidly, posture loose and relaxed. Nonthreatening, with a hint of promise.

* * *

Right, well, it would make it one hell of a lot easier to keep up the pretence of cool, indifferent detachment if he couldn't already feel himself starting to go hard just looking at Shin like this. Goddamn treasonous body.

He knew he could control himself, though. Well, reasonably sure. Pretty strong possibility. As long as the hunter didn't try anything else.

It was an effort to keep his voice completely steady. "Maybe there is. But if it happens, it will be completely on my terms. Whenever I decide."

* * *

Aw, fuck. He couldn't disagree with that when his body agreed with it so much. Shin swallowed noticeably, shooting the Drifter a hard look despite the thrills running through him at the thought of just having to wait to find out his fate. He tilted his head, eyes dark and focused. Leaning back against the wall, his arms folded across his chest, legs spreading ever so slightly with the change in posture as he looked the Drifter in the eye. He was going to win this, he decided in his head.

The Drifter might be hot as fuck and like being in charge, but... well. Shin had been playing this game for a while too, and there was more to getting what you wanted than just saying out loud how things would go.

* * *

Ah, damn him to hell. Both of them. This was ridiculous, but there was no way he could give in now.

"You're making a fool out of yourself, Malphur." Drifter spit out through gritted teeth, like his eyes weren't burning into the hunter's body and this display wasn't the hottest damn thing he had seen in his whole damn life.

Shin was gonna have to work one hell of a lot harder than that if he wanted to get anything at all out of him.

* * *

Shin's lips twisted, face going hot as he fixed his gaze on the Drifter. The only fool here was the person not taking advantage of whatever Shin was willing to offer. He bared his teeth in a grin, teeth sharp and ready for whatever might be asked of them.

"Well, I'm sure you won't mind if I go make myself scarce then," he replied easily, eyes still bright. God, that had hurt just a little. Even if there was nobody there but the two of them, the feeling of embarrassment ate at him. He could fuck off if it suited him, he decided. He didn't care.

* * *

Alright, fuck, that really did force his hand, huh? Drifter tried to imagine it, just letting the man go and spending the rest of his day running Gambit, trying to keep himself busy. Probably mentally kicking himself all the while for letting his damn pride get in the way. Not even the idea of Shin ending up similarly frustrated made that image any less awful.

Before he could even try to make a rational decision, Drifter was walking right up to the hunter, using a hand on his chest to push him against the wall. "You ain't goin' nowhere, pal."

* * *

Shin released a breath as he was forced back, mind and body already so prepared and excited for whatever would happen next. He would have left, sure. Shin Malphur wasn't one to back down, particularly when there was this much at stake. But god, he was so glad he didn't have to make good on that threat.

"Oh, finally decided you want to have some fun?" He challenged, looking up into the Drifter's eyes and trying his best not to feel small. "About time."

* * *

"Maybe so." The Drifter leaned in, until their noses were almost touching. "Couldn't let you get away that easily after all that big talk, could I?"

He pressed closer, keeping the hunter pinned to the wall, one of his thighs now between Drifter's legs. Just that slight contact was enough to make him groan, before he could stop himself. God, the Lightbearer really had thought he had a better handle on himself, but it had really taken so very little for the other man to drive him wild.

* * *

Shin was having difficulty maintaining eye contact, knowing that it was a prerequisite to maintain dominance, but equally aware that it was uncomfortable as hell.

He raised his chin instead, jaw clenched and inability to yield gently cemented. He pressed further a little, letting the pressure stay light and dissatisfying. Time for the Drifter to feel how his targets felt, wasn't it? Time for the Drifter to suffer the way he drove Shin fuckin wild, made him cope through this bullshit.

* * *

Drifter's forearm pressed against Shin's chest, free hand going up to roughly grab at the dark hair. "You're already tryin' my patience, here." He growled the words out, before sharply bucking his hips forward.

Maybe he was playing straight into what the hunter wanted, but at some point, it was really hard to care all that much. It just kept growing more and more difficult, and it really couldn't help that Shin had been able to get some release last night, when Drifter had yet found none.

* * *

Shin couldn't cope with this, contact against his deprived and most sensitive areas. He dropped his head back, making direct and unavoidable eye contact. "Unfortunate," he bit out, jaw still held tight and waiting for the other boot to drop. "Patience is a virtue, you know."

He couldn't hold back a noise of restrained want, fully aware of what the other had been doing in his downtime. Yesterday had been good, sure, but it felt irrelevant next to what was happening now.

* * *

A dry chuckle. "Never been mistaken for a virtuous man." He couldn't stand it a second longer, and he closed the small distance left between them to start kissing Shin, harsh and urgent.

In the back of his mind he was briefly aware of his Ghost trying to get his attention for a moment, telling him the Gambit match was over, but he ignored it. Wouldn't be the first time the little drone had to deal with it on his own.

* * *

Shin choked, focused entirely on the hand in his hair and the pressure against him. He whined, head dropping back to crash against the wall, entirely against his will. He nodded desperately in response to the other's assertation, readying himself for whatever the Drifter wanted to deal out.

* * *

Oh, but those whines were like music to his ears, and he grinned in a baring of teeth before biting down, hard, on Shin's lower lip.

The rogue Lightbearer felt an intense, roaring need inside him that drowned everything else, anything but the present moment, making it hard to even understand what he was going for here. But he was confident he'd figure it out somehow, and god, it was going to be good.

* * *

Shin bared his teeth, unwilling to submit to whatever the Drifter had planned without a fight, and bucked upwards against the force trapping him. He growled, not even bothering to vocalise his discontent and instead slipping into pure noise. This was The Drifter's fault, not his own, and he wanted to draw just a little blood in recompense. Should have enjoyed the offer he was given while he had it.

* * *

He loved having the hunter like this, wild determination crashing against his own, kiss more of a clashing of teeth than anything else. As much of a fight as they'd ever had.

Drifter used the hand grabbing the black hair to move the man's head to the side, cheek pressing against the wall, giving him better access to the other side of his face, kissing and licking at them. "Oh, fuck. I love that you kept these."

* * *

Shin flinched, whimpering ever so slightly as the broad tongue lathed its way along the grooves carved into his skin. Shin groaned, torn between appreciating the attention and friction he received and the desire to inflict harm. He let his head be moved, only resisting enough that he felt the pull on his scalp. Had difficulty keeping his knees steady. And, well, just enough resistance to keep the Drifter on his toes. His mouth fell open, panting slightly as he met the Drifter's eye.

"Thought you'd appreciate it," he managed, barely keeping the desperation from his voice. "'S why I kept them."

* * *

"Mmm, I'm sure that's the only reason." Drifter whispered, just a bit mocking, returning the hunter's gaze. "Tell me, could ya feel their eyes on you at the meeting today? Wondering how you coulda possibly gotten these?" A gentle scrape of teeth over one of them. "All the while knowing it was me who had marked you like this."

Maybe it was fucked up that he found the idea so profoundly satisfying, but if so, he couldn't care less. They were both fucked up in their own ways, which probably explained a lot about why they gravitated towards each other this strongly.

* * *

Shin flinched, the wounds still sensitive as hell. He tried to stay calm, let everything wash over him without affecting his demeanour in the least. "You fuckin' know I could," he replied, blinking rapidly.

"Felt filthy, like they knew everythin'." It was true enough. He'd been so self-conscious, wondering if everyone knew what he'd done. Why he'd kept the marks. "That what you wanted to hear? That I wanted for them to know I was yours?" A little terror, a little desperation. That attraction/repulsion all over again. And Drifter... Drifter was pretty simple on some levels. He knew what he wanted, how to deliver it.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer made an animal sound in the back of his throat, dark and pleased, one hand grabbing at Shin's hair so tightly it was scratching at the scalp, the other one holding his jaw so Drifter could kiss him more deeply, completely.

"Yes." He said, against the hunter's mouth, when he finally had to come up for air. The next one was a growl, barely recognisable as a word. "Mine."

* * *

Shin whimpered, the pull so good as it yanked his head to one side. His mouth was forced open, and honestly he wouldn't have resisted if he'd been given the choice but the manhandling made it all the more worthwhile. He pushed back, leg still pressed up against the Drifter and gave him all the pressure he could ever need. He knew how teasing the other man would go, and while it sounded fun at the outset he wasn't sure he was ready for the punishment that would follow.

He hadn't always known that the Drifter was so possessive, but the savage note in his voice and the way his actions became more brutal spoke to exactly how much he cared about owning Shin. He just opened his mouth a little more, eyelids at half mast, letting himself be claimed however the Drifter wanted if he'd set his heart on it. He could be owned, sure. Just surrender himself entirely and let what happened happen.

* * *

A couple more kisses, and then Drifter was smoothing his hand over Shin's hair before stepping back, sharply ordering, "Don't ya dare move."

God knows why, but the idea of ownership got him going harder than anything else. If he didn't get some actual action right now Drifter felt he was going to fucking explode. Breathless, he had only walked away momentarily to grab his Malfeasance, still left on top of the control panel, and then came back grinning to put the barrel right under Shin's jaw, forcing his face up to meet the Lightbearer's eyes, watching for his reaction.

* * *

Shin froze, jaw going tight and eyes searching out the Drifter's own as he felt the dark-slick barrel alongside his throat. This... this had a real chance of killing him, maybe. The amusement on the Drifter's face belied the deadly weapon he was using, and Shin forcibly relaxed his shoulders and back. He'd given it up easy, he knew he had, all a part of that debt that he still owed. If he gave enough, was enough for the other then maybe it'd be fulfilled. Or maybe he just liked being used, hell. It was hard to tell these days.

He met the Drifter's gaze, eyes shuttering just a little. Half interest from some of the more depraved parts of him, half something crawling and scared within him which wasn't ready to go. He raised his eyebrows briefly, mustering a touch of defiance. Kissing and touching, low stakes stuff the Drifter could have. But Shin's hand crept towards the grip of his gun; he'd be working for it if he wanted anything more.

* * *

The hunter hadn't been expecting it, that much was clear, but he wasn't completely horrified either. A gun might be a few good factors above a knife on the danger scale, but he could still see Shin recognising the thrill of it, bright in his eyes.

As soon as he noticed the man's hand move towards his own gun, Drifter grabbed at it roughly and pulled it up to the grip of the Malfeasance instead, his own hand wrapped over the smaller one. "Don't be a brat, Malphur. If you'd like to push it away, and leave it aside, do so. But otherwise don't play around, and do as you're told."

* * *

He bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, not expecting the reprove and feeling oddly chastised. Like a child who'd done wrong, no power to change the situation or context in which to defend his actions. He nodded slowly, feeling the metal stick ever so slightly to him as he did so. It didn't feel good, to say the least. But it did feel dangerous, and that was more or less the same thing these days.

His throat worked, part of it relishing the way the hard ridges of the metal felt against the cuts on his neck which were cracking open once more. His finger curled around the trigger, almost automatically, and for a moment he felt the urge to simply pull it and hang the consequences.

* * *

Making a small noise of approval as the other man nodded, Drifter took Shin's hand away from the gun, almost gently, and let it fall to one side. He ran the barrel of the gun along the jawline, over the lips, already swollen with harsh kisses, on its way to rest it against the hunter's cheek.

God, he couldn't stop staring at those lips, his own mouth going dry at the sight, a wave of heat shooting right through him, gathering between his legs. "Right." He said finally, voice rough with desire. "On your knees. Now."

* * *

Shin would have dropped to his knees in an instant if he weren't so wary of the gun poised to burrow a slug straight into his skull. Instead, still making eye contact, he lowered himself slowly to the floor, legs spread and hands curling into fists by his side. He would have folded them prettily behind his back, but the gun was. Well, he wouldn't be able to stop the Drifter if he pulled the trigger, but he felt constitutionally incapable of leaving himself quite that helpless.

The gun stayed rested against his cheek, flesh chilled by the crawling slick that seemed to want to seep through his skin and into the marrow of him.

* * *

"That's it. Good boy." Drifter praised, his softer voice creating a contrast with the way the gun was raised to now rest against the hunter's temple.

The tips of the fingers on his other hand brushed over Shin's lips. "Remember that first day, in the annex? You used your mouth so wonderfully." Really, Drifter would be lying if he didn't admit the feeling of his thumb inside of it had been haunting him ever since. "Can you imagine what I woulda made you do, if we hadn't been interrupted?"

God, it felt like so long ago already, though it hadn't been even two weeks since.

* * *

Those words still sent an illicit thrill through him, mouth dry and head tilted back to look up at the face of his... tormentor? Partner? Best not to think about it.

His mouth opened, and Shin ran a tongue over bruised lips. He exhaled a shuddering breath, just waiting for whatever the Drifter was going to do to him next. A bullet, a kiss, a blow. The gun was close, cold and imminent and unmistakeable.

"Been thinking of nothin' else," he admitted, breathless. He'd been so close to... Something. Death, oblivion, pure sensation, release.

* * *

"Hmm. And no one can interrupt us here." Drifter wondered once more if that consideration had entered Shin's brain at all when he asked to hide out here, both today and last night, after their last encounters in the Tower had been cut short so suddenly.

The Lightbearer stepped even closer. "Would ya like to hear what I want from you, then?" His free hand busied itself with the man's dark hair, running through it and then playing casually with a few stray strands of it.

* * *

Shin's eyes flickered closed for a moment, breath ghosting over wet lips as he tried to pull himself together. Damn straight they wouldn't be interrupted. He had never been closer to losing his damn mind and kicking a frame to pieces as when he'd been left aching and ashamed back in that corridor.

He leaned into the attentive gestures, lulled by the comforting movements and firm contact he was being given.

"Please," he requested, waiting to find out what would happen to him.

* * *

Looked like someone was remembering his manners, for once. Drifter smiled, hand turning rough again, grabbing at the hair he had been caressing just seconds ago. The gun tapped against his skin once, twice, a reminder.

"I want you to suck my cock." He spoke in a matter of fact tone, with barely hidden, insistent want behind it. "I want to see you workin' that pretty mouth on me." The Lightbearer stared him down, head tilted to one side in a questioning, dissecting expression. "Think ya can manage that?"

* * *

He flicked his tongue over his lower lip, looking up through long lashes, hoping he presented a fuckable enough picture. The gun twisted a little against his temple as his scalp was pulled on, and he groaned, shuddering desperately against it.

"Please," he repeated, fingernails digging into his thighs. "I can do that, I'll be good." God, but he wanted to make the Drifter desperate. Make him make those noises for once.

* * *

God, Shin really knew how to present the filthiest, most beautiful picture without barely doing anything at all. Seeing him practically asking nicely to be allowed to do this was enough to erase any possible doubts Drifter might have had about trading in his debt for it.

"Well, that are ya waiting for, then?" He grunted, impatience bleeding through into his voice. "Do I gotta do everything 'round here? Take my own pants off?"

* * *

He flushed, ducking his head and fumbling with the fastenings of the Drifter's pants. Didn't like the chastisement, shoulders tensing just a little, eternally conscious of the cocked gun at his temple. So, he did what he was told. Shin could feel him beneath the fabric, fingers brushing over the hard flesh and peeling away the first layer of cloth. He looked up to the Drifter, a quick check for approval as he continued the work he'd been given.

* * *

Drifter grit his teeth as he felt the all too brief brush of fingers on him, a promise of things to come, feeling barely able to stand the wait any longer.

"That's it, c'mon." He said, going just a little breathless, both as approval and as a way of urging Shin forward. Then something occurred to him, making him frown a little and look for the other man's gaze. "Ya ever done this before?"

Either way was good with him, really, but it might chance the way he had to approach it. Also, he couldn't deny some personal curiosity about it, of course.

* * *

Shin's face did something complicated. He had given a blowjob before, sure, but the exact circumstances were new to say the least. He glanced towards the gun, raising his eyebrows pointedly as he slipped the Drifter free and pressed his lips to the head.

"I've done a thing or two," he replied softly, breath ghosting over the hardened flesh. "Gun's, uh... gun's new." Good new, for sure, exciting new. He ran the edge of his thumb around the head, spreading the slick beading at the tip further down, constantly glancing up to note the reaction to his movements.

* * *

Ah, fuck. Drifter legitimately forgot to breathe for a moment, air caught in his throat, as he felt the other man's breath on him. Seemed like he wasn't going to have to explain the basics, which was a bit of a relief, really. Not that he would have expected Shin to be that inexperienced, but it wasn't exactly a topic that had come up often in the past.

"Well, consider it extra motivation." Drifter said, every fibre of his being concentrating on sounding as unaffected as possible. The muscles on his thighs twitched with the effort of keeping himself still.

* * *

Shin hummed in agreement; the gun was definitely motivating him to try, even if he was tempted to push far enough to find out his punishment. He made sure that the Drifter could see a little of that in his eyes as he let go, running his tongue slowly over his hand to slick it before gripping the shaft once more. Shin took the head into his mouth, keeping eye contact the entire time and making sure that even this was light and teasing. Enough to excite, rather than satisfy.

* * *

Even with a gun to his head, Shin had that mischievous glint in his eyes that communicated his interest in pushing his luck, in looking for punishment. He was probably wondering if Drifter would really use the weapon on him, and frankly at this point Drifter himself wasn't too sure about it, one way or the other.

The hand gripping him was good, but when the hunter's mouth was finally on him, it was simply maddening, at once both suddenly too much to cope with and way too little to actually do anything but build up the tension inside him. Drifter grunted, displeased.

* * *

Shin noted the annoyance, leaning forward to take a little more of it in. Bobbing back and forth, feeling the weight of the flesh on his tongue and imagining the Drifter deciding to take things into his own hands and choke him with it. He moaned slightly at the thought, twisting his hand at the same time to provide a good mix of pleasure and slight pain. Just enough to keep it interesting, hopefully.

* * *

"That's- Ah, that's better." He said, while petting the dark hair, hand slightly shaky. Drifter grabbed at it to keep himself grounded as he couldn't help but start thrusting a little in time with the bobbing of the hunter's mouth, biting the inside of his own cheek as he felt the vibrations of the moan right on the sensitive flesh, hard enough to taste blood and still unable to keep a little broken sound from escaping his mouth.

* * *

Shin couldn't hold back a groan at the noise the Drifter made as he started moving to his own rhythm, using Shin's mouth as he grew frustrated. He opened his throat further, doing his best to take the other deeper without choking and biting. The Drifter was thoroughly wet, slippery with drool and salty precum as he moved over the length of him, and he pulled and stroked with his hands as best he could to drag whatever noises he could get from the other.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer found himself reduced to incoherent half whispered swearing, in between pants for air. It was increasingly hard to pace himself and avoid going too hard and choking the hunter, when sliding in and out of the wet heat of his mouth felt so delightfully perfect.

That was especially true when Drifter looked down again, after closing his eyes for a couple seconds, the image of Shin Malphur taking as much as he could of his cock in his lovely mouth hitting him like a freight train. He couldn't have been asked to imagine a more stunning picture of debauchery.

He tried to pull himself together enough to speak. "You are doin' so well, darlin'. Such a good boy. Oh, fuck. Just don't stop."

* * *

Shin could barely breathe, panting for air in between long slow swallowing motions. It was good, his focus narrowing down onto this one task so he could ignore everything else and just run through everything he knew how to do. He was hard, breathtakingly so, but it was all secondary to ensuring that he was doing a good job. He pulled against the hand in his hair a little, just to feel the pull and pain a little stronger, under the pretence of taking a breath. The praise quickly had him back on task though; he wanted to please. To be good, do something _right._

* * *

Watching Shin react to the praise, renewing his efforts to please him, was indescribably captivating. It made something... Warm raise in the Lightbearer's chest, strange and unexpected, beyond the lust that was otherwise consuming him. It wasn't the time, though, and he just pushed it deeper to deal with in the future, or possibly never.

The hand grabbing hair got a stronger grip, and Drifter used it to start guiding the hunter's head more forcefully, practically fucking his mouth now.

"God, you feel so amazing." He moaned. "Can't even tell ya how much I've thought about doin' this. I knew you'd be perfect."

* * *

He couldn't keep a whimper from escaping at the thought of the Drifter fantasising about him alone. It was muffled by the cock in his throat but still audible. It was perfect, he couldn't breathe or think and all through it that gun was there as a promise of what would happen if he failed to impress. Shin had to look a mess, face wet with spit and tears as his body tried to keep him breathing despite his absolute lack of interest in the matter, lips stretched wide around the Drifter's length and bruised beyond compare. He kept his eyes up, choked tears beading on the tips of his lashes as he tried desperately to move with and against the Drifter's movements; pull and push and counter-thrust to make it as good as could be.

* * *

Even like this, mouth stretched and full, the hunter kept making the most amazing little sounds, and Drifter could feel them right in his core, vibrating on his skin. It made him go even faster, building up on the rhythm they had found together.

The Lightbearer couldn't keep his eyes off him. The impossibly long lashes wet with tears, the drool escaping one corner of his mouth, the flush of the soft skin, and right against it all, the metal of that gun made as a first line into the Darkness. "Oh, fuck. Fuck. I'm so close." He warned.

* * *

Shin swallowed around the length of him, shuddering and desperate as he let himself be fucked as roughly as the Drifter wanted. He didn't respond to the warning per se, only redoubling his efforts and enjoying the fact that he could bring the Drifter to a place so ragged and wanting. The hunter was desperate himself, barely able to stay still on his aching knees without writhing there and trying to get himself off.

* * *

The waves of pleasure were threatening to drown him now, wash him away completely. He felt lightheaded, wild. When he had asked, he hadn't really been sure what he was going to get, but he certainly hadn't been prepared for something this intense. Once Drifter had warned him, Shin had seemed to take it as a signal to go all in, and just seeing that was enough to push him right over the edge.

He came down the hunter's throat, loudly moaning Shin's name.

* * *

Aw hell, hearing his name said aloud with that much stupid lust was almost more than Shin could bear. He trembled with hastily-subdued desire, mind going blank as he barely managed to choke down the salty liquid and pull off, jaw aching and mouth hanging open. His chest was heaving, shoulders shaking and slumped, looking up at the Drifter with a look of tired satisfaction. Slowly, he raised a hand to his chin and wiped away the mix of drool and spend coating it.

"Good?" He asked aloud, voice ragged. Needed, for some reason, to hear it aloud.

* * *

Fuck, he could barely keep his legs from giving out under him, suddenly feeling so completely spent and drained. The hand holding the gun had been lowered now, almost forgotten. Drifter tried his best to steady his breathing, but looking down at the hunter made it so damn hard.

"Oh fuck off, Malphur." He said, once he had gotten enough air back in him, a lazy half smile curving his lips. "Ya know exactly how amazing that was. Goddamn good, yeah."

* * *

Shin leaned back a little, noting the gun's irrelevance with a mix of relief and strange disappointment. He rolled his shoulders, tilting his head from left to right and quirked a smile in the Drifter's direction. He didn't get to his feet though, sitting back and dropping his hands to his knees, carefully not attending to his own arousal. Instead he just drank in the sight before him, Drifter looking dishevelled and sated, like a gentle push might knock him over. He'd done that.

"You say the sweetest things," he replied, a little more than a hint of smugness suffusing the words.

* * *

Of course the bastard was feeling smug - Worst part was, he actually deserved it, and he knew it. If there had been any debt, it was more than paid in full now.

However, he'd be damned if Drifter would let that mean he wouldn't mess with the hunter anymore. He raised the gun at him again, and spoke in a strongly commanding tone. "C'mon, darlin'. Still gonna clean me off, and get my pants back on."

* * *

Shin straightened, lazy demeanour gone and replaced with an intent focus, tempered with fear and excitement. He reached out, taking the Drifter's spent cock in hand and carefully running his tongue along the length of him, removing the traces of what had occurred and hopefully teasing the hell out of the already sensitive skin. Drifter had asked for this, he could live with the consequences. He licked the residue from his lips, deliberate, and met the Lightbearer's eyes.

* * *

Drifter swore softly, voice completely broken, as he watched the hunter quickly change gears again and lick him clean. The oversensitive flesh twitched in protest, but that was its own shade of pleasure too.

"_Fuck_. You've got one hell of a dangerous mouth on ya, pal." He spoke in a drawl, without thinking, as he saw the other man licking his own lips, defiantly returning his gaze.

* * *

Shin couldn't help but shiver at the way the Drifter sounded, like he'd been chewed up and spat out and loved every minute of it, and Shin had put him there. He twitched, angling his body oh so carefully so as to keep his own hardness from being rubbed raw by his pants. Carefully, delicately, he tucked the Drifter back in and started the process of straightening the other man up so he looked a little less like he'd gone five rounds with a hedge.

Once he was done, he straightened again, head tilting just a little to press against the gun barrel, otherwise a model of subservience.

"Anythin' else I can do for you?" He asked.

* * *

Drifter watched the man do as he had been told and put his pants back in order, murmuring his approval all the while. God, but if it was up to him he might just keep the hunter on his knees forever. He took to the role so wonderfully.

"Hmm, you've done so well." The gun came down slowly to follow Shin's jawline like a caress. "I wonder if there's anything you want?"

With his legs spread like that while on his knees, and the constant little shifts of his body, Drifter was all too aware of how hard the hunter must be now.

* * *

Shin swallowed, torn between pressing up against the cool metal and getting as far away from it as possible. He settled for moving ever so slightly, just feeling the scrape of the barrel against his stubble.

This felt like a trap. Something held out in front of him, waiting for him to bite and use it as an excuse to pull the trigger. God, he would beg and cry to get a hand on him at that moment, not even just to finish. Just to get a moment of contact. But...

Shin inhaled shakily. "Don't think it'd be much of a repayment if I was getting everything I want again."

* * *

Eyebrows raised, he looked Shin over slowly, up and down. Drifter loved to see him like this, body tense and trembling, so determined to keep himself in line and yet, only one small push away from being completely undone at the rogue Lightbearer's hands.

Of course, doing the same without even really touching him had its own appeal too.

"Alright, Malphur. Since you're being so obedient, I'm gonna need one more thing from you." The pressure on the gun increased slightly. "Touch yourself for me. I wanna watch ya."

* * *

He nodded slowly, part of him still waiting to see how this would be pulled out from under him. Shin uncurled his hands from where they'd been digging tense half-moons into his thighs, wincing slightly, and opened his pants with a relieved groan. Painful pressure finally removed, he took himself in hand and spread the precum that had been leaking out and through tight fabric over the length of himself.

As he began to move, twisting and pulling in the ways he liked best, he kept up eye contact. Checking for approval, that he was doing everything right as he pleasured himself on command.

* * *

"Hmm, that's it. Not too fast, now." He warned, gun under the hunter's chin to tilt his head up. Drifter drank in the sight and licked his own lips. "I want a show."

He kept his free hand, that had been previously entangled in the dark hair, hanging empty at his side, making a point of refusing to touch Shin at all - The gun being the only point of contact between them.

"I wonder how many times you've done this before, touch yourself while thinkin' of me. Of what I could do to you, if only I wanted it." Drifter said, voice a low rumbling whisper.

* * *

He tipped his head back, eyes blown wide with fear and excitement, and half-unconsciously licked his own lips in a mirror of the Drifter's action. He missed the contact, painful though it had been, but there was something about just being watched as he moved that made his head swim. His hand slowed and he canted his hips forward, torso leaning back to put his body on display for the Drifter to appreciate. Slowly, he ran one hand down his thigh, pressing in on the leg wound enough to force a hiss from between his lips even as he pulled long and slow on his cock, body unable to distinguish between the pain and pleasure.

"A lot," he admitted, even if. Well, there had been generalisations. Hands that seemed familiar, a low drawl, a familiar bulk pressing against him, even if he had done his best not to put a face to the fantasy body.

* * *

"Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought." Drifter said, his tone fierce and encouraging. "You're too eager, I could tell just how much you wanted it. Right from the very start."

The Lightbearer's eyes were intensely fixed on Shin's body, like he wanted to burn every detail of the scene in front of him right on his brain, watching closely every movement, every reaction, learning about what the hunter seemed to like best, and saving it for later use.

Drifter let out a shaky breath. "You're so remarkably strikin', my dear."

* * *

His breath caught in his chest as Shin felt himself nearing completion, driven closer and closer to the edge by the praise and intent focus on him. It was a struggle to keep moving slowly instead of just fucking his fist as fast as he wanted, but every word of approval sent a thrill running through him. He nodded along fervently with the Drifter's words, eyes going glassy as he struggled to keep his head clear. He dug his thumb in deeper, trying to stave off the desperation through a little pain. It wasn't working, and his hand stuttered as it moved over his length.

* * *

The fingers in his free hand were itching to reach forward, feel warm, trembling flesh under them, but Drifter just closed it in a fist. Later, he promised himself. For now it was enough to know that, as difficult as he could find the lack of contact, it must be a million times worse for the other man.

"That's what I like to see. Being a good boy and waiting for permission to come, huh, Malphur? You're learnin'." It was clear how hard Shin was having to work to contain himself, and Drifter loved it. He leaned in close enough that the hunter could feel his hot breath on his face. "D'ya want my permission? Would you like me to ask ya to do whatever you need to get yourself there, so I can watch you spend yourself on your knees, right in front of me?"

* * *

Shin's face burned, skin flushed and sweaty, and he closed his eyes as the Drifter got closer, barely able to keep himself in check, wanting absurdly to lean in and meet him in a kiss. The gun, though, and his own desire to please, held him back. Eyes flicked open again, dragging up the Drifter's body to reach his face again.

"Please," he begged, face hot with shame and need, hand trembling as it stroked glacially slowly along his length, flesh painfully agonisingly hard. "Whatever you want, please tell me what you want me to do."

* * *

There it was, the begging Drifter had been hoping for, just as delicious as he imagined it. Shin never disappointed in that department. Leaning back again, smile inscrutable and eyes dark, the Lightbearer raised his aim until the metal was gently pressing against the still-swollen lips.

"I want to see ya come with my gun in your mouth." He said, finally, increasing the pressure slightly as he searched the hunter's eyes for a reaction.

* * *

Shin's hand stopped entirely, squeezing the base of his cock as he struggled not to come right there and then, a pained sob escaping his lips as he opened wide, waiting for the Drifter to use them however he wanted. He closed his eyes tight, trying to regain any scrap of control he'd had, but everything he possessed was simply geared towards stopping himself from spilling all over his hand. He must look pathetic, tears beading at the corners of his eyes as he whimpered brokenly, trying oh so hard not to just fuck himself to completion.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer grinned like a cat about to jump on its kill. The reaction was beyond anything he could have expected, more than breath-taking. Fuck, involving the gun initially had been an educated gamble based on a sudden whim, and Drifter couldn't have imagined better results.

He slid the gun into that warm, perfect mouth, remembering with a shudder exactly how it had felt to have it sucking at his own flesh. Drifter made sure to make the barrel rest heavy against the hunter's tongue, almost choking him with it.

"Finish yourself off." He commanded sharply.

* * *

Shin could barely breathe, the heavy taste of metal and something cloying lay on his tongue and he just looked up into the Drifter's eyes. He hollowed his cheeks around the intrusion, sucking and swallowing around it to see the effect on the other, letting him watch his throat working thickly. Barely aware any more, he passed his hand over himself once, twice, and with a choked sound muffled by the gun barrel he came shuddering and sobbing over himself.

* * *

Once more, Shin surprised and kept him on his feet by going above and beyond what he'd been asked, sucking at the gun in a way that was certainly not going to leave Drifter's memory alone any time soon.

A hungry part of him wanted to pull the trigger, no matter how perfect Shin had been. Just put a hole right through that pretty face and drink up the blood and the Light. But a more human appetite won over this time, and Drifter let the gun fall to the floor, one hand grabbing at the hunter's arm, the other one his waist, pulling him up from his knees and into a kiss.

* * *

There was a moment, a brief moment where the gun twitched ever so slightly, and Shin could see the darkness in the Drifter's eyes. Shell-shocked, barely coherent, he'd been expecting a bullet and oblivion, almost welcomed it. It would have made sense, would have been almost welcome as a measure of instant relief. Instead he found himself pulled close in, half expecting violence and instead being met with open lips and an arm wrapped around him. Messy, sore, knees hurting and weak, he yielded easily, just enjoying the contact while he had it.

* * *

Finally, finally, he could touch Shin again. Normally Drifter would have made himself slow down, seem less eager for contact, but after witnessing such a display his self-control was most definitely not at its best, most of it replaced by something dark and crawling inside him.

The arm around his waist was enough to support the hunter's weight, so Drifter used his other hand to sweep dark hair, damp with sweat, away from Shin's forehead. "Damn, Malphur. You've really made a mess of yourself this time."

* * *

_"Still pretty though,"_ he echoed the previous night with a ragged laugh, feeling a little of the tension in him melt away at the hand in his hair. Shin wrapped his arms around the Drifter, burying his face in thick fabric and breathing in the scent of him. "I do good?" He asked, face still mashed into the chest and still somewhat out of breath. He regretted it a little as the words left his mouth; clingy, needy. But he was currently very obviously clinging, so really he'd been found out already. Nonetheless, he tensed a little as he said it. Head a little too foggy to know quite why he shouldn't be asking, but aware nonetheless that it wasn't great.

* * *

"Beautiful." He agreed, smiling. It was good to hear the other man laugh, ragged but more genuine than Drifter could get out him in normal circumstances.

It was ridiculous, especially after all they had just done to each other, but the way Shin wrapped his arms around him, leaned in to rest against him, well, it made the Drifter's heartbeat go wild. The hunter had let himself be manhandled, moved and even tolerated being held readily enough, that last one at least while already half asleep, but actively seeking that more gentle contact was pretty new.

Once he asked his question, all the Lightbearer found himself wanting to do was dispel that tension that had come with it, and he nuzzled lightly at the top of Shin's head, comforting. "So good. Just so wonderful." Drifter reassured, trying to keep his voice from becoming too thick with emotion.

* * *

Shin relaxed at those words, happy to just lean into the other for as long as he'd tolerate it, head still dopey with the afterglow. The sensation of having his hair messed with was still new and good, something he hadn't really experienced since he was a kid. A long, long time ago. Diverted his brain down some real specific pathways, ones that dealt with things he hadn't thought about in a real long time. They weren't bad, though, and with gentle praise washing over him, Shin was content to leave things be for a while.

At least until he froze a little, face heating as he realised something.

"Think I just got cum all over your coat," he admitted, voice a little higher pitched than it usually managed.

* * *

For a few moments, it all was quiet and comfortable, perfect. Until Shin's words managed to break through Drifter's contented haze, and as soon as his brain managed to make sense of them, he laughed, deep in his chest.

"Well, damn." Drifter said with a relaxed, amused tone. "I'm really gonna run outta clothes if I keep up this pace." As he talked, he casually manhandled Shin to make him sit into the chair, after grabbing it to bring it closer. Then he started taking his coat off. "My fault, though." A half smile, curving his lips. "This time, at least."

Using the soft fabric of the coat, Drifter finished gently cleaning the rest of the mess from the hunter, crouched with one knee on the floor to be level with it, and then, to be easily able to redo his pants, after tossing the coat carelessly into a corner. Only fair to return the favour, really.

* * *

Shin let himself be moved however the Drifter liked, still a little high on the chemical cocktail of satisfaction and fatigue that the whole affair had induced. It was nice, he acknowledged, being attended to and looked after. Just a little. Still strange, and he watched the Drifter go about things with not a little curiosity, but good.

"Can't see a problem with you runnin' around without clothes," he said, quirking a wry smile. "Course, Ikora'd kill you even more than she will me. But it'd be great ‘til then." He missed the close contact, just a little, but it was nice to drink in the other man now he'd been well and truly dishevelled. Handsome as ever, damn him.

* * *

Drifter continued to casually fuss over the hunter, straightening up his shirt, running a smoothing hand over his hair. It was more mindless than a conscious decision, really, it just... Felt nice to keep his hands busy this way.

"Yeah, well, I'd rather stay outta her way too, thanks." Ikora inspired a lot of... He wouldn't call it fear, more like a healthy dose of respect based on very concrete real-life experiences. "Anyway," Drifter gave him a sly smile. "It's not like that'd be the only way you're gonna get to see me naked."

* * *

Shin had difficulty not just closing his eyes and soaking up the attention while it lasted. It was, he realised with a pang, going to be a bitch to shove all this back down into its box when it ended for whatever reason. But that was a problem for the Shin who'd deal with it later. For now, little affections were good. Made him feel real, grounded. Nobody really touched him these days unless they weren't exactly planning on him being alive soon; this was so different from that that he barely knew how to process it. Kept catching himself chasing the light touches, moving so they'd last just a fraction of a second longer. Stupid. Clingy. He shouldn't be getting so hung up over it.

With a monumental effort, he leaned away a little, not quite meeting the Drifter's eye, and made an attempt at his usual cocky grin. "Promises promises," he replied lightly.

* * *

It seemed to him like there was something not quite right with Shin's expression, the way he didn't meet his eye and leaned slightly away. Drifter knew him well enough to catch those little tells, but maybe not enough to understand what it actually meant. "Hey. You ok?"

He almost made a move to touch the man's face again, but quickly stopped himself, in case the issue was he had already pushed his luck too much with the physical affection. "You ain't overthinkin' again, are ya?"

* * *

Shin quirked half a smile at him, not quite managing to make it reach his eyes but hoping that its briefness would mask its shallow nature.

"Oh, yanno," he hedged, fingers twitching and twisting the fabric of his pants between them as he wished for something to fiddle with. "Just not that... Used. To this kinda thing." He gestured vaguely to the two of them, entirely unhelpfully. What the hell was he supposed to say? 'It hurts when you're touching me but it's worse when you stop?' That kinda overdramatic self-obsessed nonsense embarrassed him that he'd even thought it, but saying out loud? God, he'd take the bullet first.

* * *

The Drifter's face was carefully neutral as he nodded, leaving the fact of it being understanding or agreement up for interpretation. No sense showing too much emotion and spooking the man.

However, those words dropped like a heavy stone in his stomach. The Lightbearer had never really stopped to consider how little affection and gentleness Shin must have had for most of his life - Especially with how much Drifter himself contributed to the opposite. He wasn't about to start feeling guilty for not being nicer in the past now, but it was still not pleasant to think about.

"Hey, y'know..." Drifter started, softly. "Come back tonight. I'll pick up something from the noodle shop, and we'll have dinner."

He waited for his answer. No excuse about hiding from anything this time, just an honest invitation to spend time together.

* * *

Shin thought it over, brain working over the idea as if to check for the catch. The idea of spending some time as people, rather than in expectation of some kind of punishment or reward was an interesting one. They'd used to do something similar, once, but not quite as themselves. No task, nothing to worry about besides the ever present (now somewhat lessened) concern of betrayal, just... Dinner. Shin nodded slowly, running a hand over tired eyes. That could be an experience, for sure.

* * *

Drifter tried not to brighten up too noticeably when the hunter agreed to his idea. "Great, it's..." He cut himself off before he could say 'it's a date' because God, that made it sound like the most embarrassing teenage bullshit. It was just dinner. "That's good. I, uh, I'll see you then. I probably should run some Gambit now, and I'm sure you gotta do loads of fancy vanguard work, so... "

_'Christ, you gonna start kissing him goodbye too? Get a grip._' He said internally, chastising himself.

* * *

Shin had to suppress a stupid smile, just nodding slowly and rubbing the back of his neck. "Can't leave the kids by themselves too long, right? No tellin' what they'd get up to."

He sighed a little, picturing the long stretch of actual administration duties combined with dodging his co-workers at every opportunity. Fun. Least he'd have something to look forward to afterwards. "Sure, sure. I'll uh, see you around then." He winced. Smooth, Malphur. Real smooth. Very slick and attractive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Digging out the bullet and holding it up to the light, the light._  
_Digging out the bullet and holding it up to the light."_  
\- Richard Siken


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of the day was spent hosting Gambit matches, though Drifter's heart for once wasn't fully in it. But it was still a good way to keep himself busy and avoid thinking too much, either about what had happened earlier in the day, or what his plans for that night were.

Ha. He was always calling out Shin for either overthinking or finding a way to avoid thinking at all, instead of facing situations like a normal human being, and here he was now doing both himself.

Once the sun started setting and he decided to close up shop for the day, Drifter realised he hadn't actually given the other man a time to arrive by. Real good hosting, really. Ugh.

He ended up asking his Ghost to send Shin a message while he was waiting to pick up the food at the noodle shop, letting him know he could transmat himself aboard the Derelict any time, and he'd be there soon.

* * *

Shin had been sat in his little cubicle bedroom, wondering when the hell he was supposed to show up. He'd changed once he'd gotten home, into some clothes that were a little more _him_ and a little less... well. Stained. And if he'd paid a bit more attention than usual to making sure he looked good, then who was to know? Maybe he always looked that good. Drifter hadn't seen him for a while, he couldn't prove that tight pants and artfully partially-buttoned shirts weren't his usual.

He perked up as the message came in, a little more excited by the thought of company for a meal instead of the usual approach of grabbing something portable from the mess hall and eating it alone in his room. He wasted no time in transmatting aboard, hoping to high heaven that he didn't look too eager. Then again, no point in hanging around alone. He made his way to the Drifter's living area, taking a seat and fiddling with a coin from the table.

* * *

It took him about ten minutes from when he had sent the message to get the food and go back to his ship, so he was surprised to see Shin was already there, sitting at the table.

"Hey there, Malphur." Drifter said, with a grin. "I hope you ain't been snooping around too much."

He joked, of course. There was nothing incriminating here, or in any part of the ship that the hunter would know how to access.

The Lightbearer put the bag on top of the table, before sitting opposite the other man and starting to take out several dishes in plastic containers.

* * *

Shin dropped the coin as if he'd been caught doing something wrong, face momentarily hot despite the joking nature of the question. Oddly defensive, a little on edge perhaps. The food smelled good though, and it clearly hadn't been intended seriously so he managed a smile back and shook his head. "I found your poetry, Rahool would be jealous."

He leaned in, looking into the bag of food. It really smelled good, better than anything he'd eaten in the last couple weeks for sure.

* * *

Looking at the man as he passed him a pair of chopsticks, Drifter finally noticed the way he looked, and almost made a comment about it before it got caught in his throat. What could he say, 'you look nice tonight'? Would just make a fool of himself. Instead, he just let his eyes linger on the hunter's figure just a moment too long.

"Wasn't sure what you'd prefer, but I usually just let the cook choose for me anyway, so." Drifter said, as a manner of explanation as he presented all the different dishes - Pork belly ramen, fried rice, seaweed salad, and some sort of breaded seafood bites.

* * *

Shin might have noticed the Drifter look him over appreciatively, might have smiled just a little over it. He hadn't really tried everything on offer before, but he decided to go with an open-minded approach for now. He piled on a little of everything, good and hot and salty at the very least regardless of his own tastes.

"Not had a lot of this kind of thing," he admitted, taking a little of the pork belly for sampling. "Smells good though." Taking a tentative bite, the hunter couldn't stop a smile from breaking over his face. It _was_ good, real good.

* * *

Aw, damn. Seeing that kind of unexpected smile in Shin's face warmed him up more than any of the delicious hot food could. It was fucking ridiculous.

"It's a good little shop. Best meals you can get in the Tower, really." He said, before getting back to eating some of his ramen.

Not that it mattered all that much. Drifter had never had the luxury of being too picky with what he would eat, or developing a proper sense of his own taste, and these days that held truer than ever before. He still needed it to sustain his body, but there was something else inside him, a hunger no human food could satisfy. Maybe nothing could.

* * *

Shin was a little fascinated now, trying a bite of something he couldn't really identify. It was brown and green and crunchy, and when he bit into it there was something hot and soft inside that burned his mouth a little. It was sweet, with a second flavour that was. Fishy? He chewed, face doing something complicated and mildly suspicious as he tried to figure out exactly what he was eating. He wasn't sure if he liked it, exactly, but he tried another bite anyway and. Remained confused.

He looked up at the other, realising that he must look a little odd and childish, and he gave a sheepish little smile. Drifter was putting food away far more quickly than him, but then the larger man had always had something of an appetite.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer ate quickly from his portion of the meal, barely thinking about it, watching Shin instead while trying not to be too obvious about it. When he looked up at him, Drifter returned a small smile.

"Ya sure look like you're havin' an experience, if not quite enjoyin' all of it." He teased, swallowing a piece of the same dish the hunter had looked so confused by, in just a couple of quick bites.

* * *

"Don't know how I feel about some of it," he admitted, "but I wanna keep giving it another go. That weird?" Probably described a lot of their interactions, he considered. Still hadn't figured out what they were doing, but he really didn't want to just leave it there.

God, but that was a cute smile. He ate a little quicker, not wanting to be left behind. He hadn't eaten much, if at all that day. It depended on how you counted a cup of something hot and dark swiped from a frame in the mess when nobody was looking. Still, he wanted to savour every bite. Hadn't enjoyed a meal properly in a long time, and the company definitely made it better than it would've ever been sat alone and bored in his room.

* * *

Drifter laughed. "Wouldn't expect anything else from ya." So stubborn and driven, even in this. You had to admire it, really.

He ate some of the rice next, trying to think about what it was regular people talked about over dinner.

"So. How was your day? Manage to get any work done?" That worked, right? That was a perfectly good normal topic of conversation.

* * *

Shin blanched, thinking back to the past few hours. He'd settled for just diving into the depths of the unused tower areas to get away and finally figure out how to get eight hunters - not a group noted for their willingness to take direction or respond quickly to messages - onto a cleanup rota. Three different guardians had managed to find him anyway, all real interested in the cuts all over him and way less freaked out than he was by whatever mechanical thing kept scuttling past in the dark.

"Those kids _really _are something," he replied wryly, unconsciously brushing a thumb over the cut on his face. New nervous tic, but a weirdly soothing one for what it was. "But yeah, eventually. Put some real obvious trip mines on the doorframe and people stopped trying to come in for a couple hours."

* * *

Doing his best not to laugh again, Drifter nodded in agreement. "Oh, they really are. Hunters are a special bunch, too." He couldn't help a small chuckle. "Probably realising now why they had such difficulty finding someone to take the job?" He still could barely believe Shin had decided to go for it. Not that he wasn't glad, if he was being honest. Could have been stuck with someone way more boring otherwise.

"Y'know," Drifter started, casually, watching the hunter touching the cut on his face. "That's gonna start turning into a scar soon if ya don't do anythin' about it."

* * *

Shin groaned, finishing his bite of food before swallowing. "Yeah, I'm starting to see that now. Y'know, one of them wasn't even freaked out by the mines. Just walked right on through. Ghost had to glue a couple pieces back on but right after that he tried challenging me to a knife fight."

He dropped his hand while he talked, feeling a little embarrassed over the new habit. He didn't answer the unspoken question though; if the Drifter wanted a straight answer to that then he could either ask him straight up or wait for Shin to figure out what the hell he was gonna do.

* * *

Shin didn't answer anything to that, so the Lightbearer decided not to push the topic right now. He'd see what happened eventually, anyway. Because, well, keeping bruises was one thing, even cuts for a couple of days, but something more permanent than that... God, he didn't even know how he felt about that idea.

So instead, he continued, "Doesn't surprise me at all. Put some laser traps on my ship once, you'd think that woulda been a pretty clear message, but some of 'em just went right for it." Maybe once Shin had some more experience with the guardians, it'd be easier for him to understand why it was often difficult to keep them completely safe even in the highly controlled environment of Gambit.

* * *

Shin was still caught up a little on the previous question, brow creasing ever so slightly. He didn't want rid of the cuts, liked feeling the pull and ache beneath his fingers. Felt tangible, different from a body that he'd known in and out for a hell of a long time. But it wouldn't last, and he didn't know how he felt about having the marks on him permanently. And if this was something temporary, which it almost certainly was, did he need yet another bad decision haunting his face every time he looked in the mirror?

Still. He was gonna miss them.

"Guess you'll have to give me new ones then," came out of his traitorous mouth, which didn't know how to keep things secure in the depths of his skull.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer grinned, eyes growing darker. "Oh, it would be my pleasure."

Just the memory of the hunter trembling under his knife was enough to make his mouth feel dry, and the table between them a horribly inconvenient amount of distance. The deeper hunger within him wanted to taste the hunter's blood again, kill him, tear him apart, just to have him brought back fresh and get to mark him all over again.

* * *

Shin couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through him then, eating utensils held stationary mid-reach as he watched the Drifter. Something about the way his voice had roughened, promising something violent and complex that Shin wasn't sure he knew how to unravel over dinner. Not that he had a problem with it; far from it, he couldn't help but be enthusiastically on board with whatever was happening in the Drifter's head. He did, however, find himself without a meaningful response.

* * *

Coughing to clear his throat, Drifter blinked rapidly and looked down at his food. A nice, normal dinner, he reminded himself. It'd be pretty pathetic of him if he wasn't able to manage just that.

"Anyway, um," Yeah, starting a sentence without knowing where it was going sure was real normal. "Yeah." His voice trailed off, and Drifter just decided to focus on eating for the next few minutes.

God, way to make it weird. He really did not know how to handle the situation, huh? Sure, they had shared meals before, but it had never really been like this. This felt new.

* * *

Whichever fight or flight instinct had wrapped its around Shin's spine sheepishly uncurled itself and disappeared into the recesses of his mind. He slowly moved to take some of the rice, eyes still tracking the Drifter's movements. The silence stretched out between the two of them, and he honestly had no idea how to break it without pushing things one way or the other. Eventually he sighed, and asked his ghost politely to heal his wounds from the previous day. Aches and pains he might as well keep, but this had to be distracting for the other man to say the least.

* * *

As Shin got his wounds healed, the Lightbearer tried not to stare, only half successfully. The man had been so pretty with cuts all over him, the evidence of passionate violence such a fitting contrast for his delicate features, but this had its own special kind of beauty, clean and unsullied. Begging to be ruined.

"Good as new." He tried, adopting a light-hearted tone, hoping the look in his eyes didn't betray too much of what was going on in his head.

* * *

Shin was used to being looked at. It happened a lot, and he wasn't stupid or self-effacing enough to pretend that he didn't know it was happening. He thought he'd gotten used to it though, after so long. Was over feeling pinned, stripped bare and splayed open by the gazes of others. _Apparently not. _

He ran a hand over the now-smooth skin, already missing the uneven texture. It was definitely easier to eat now though, without the skin threatening to split every time he took a bite.

"For now, sure," he joked, before mentally clipping himself around the ear. Five minutes. Five minutes without bringing up the fact that the guy had sliced him open at the seams because honestly they'd both had a lot of fun with it but that was the kind of thing that you probably shouldn't keep talking about. Could give a guy some regrets.

* * *

The words repeated themselves inside his head, as Drifter kept his breath perfectly steady. Definitely no irregularities here, no sharp intake of air as his brain insisted on running through the many wonderful possibilities. He was doing so great.

"I guess we'll have to see." Small, casual and playful, that was alright, yeah? It would be more suspicious to completely avoid their usual banter. Probably.

Drifter got back to finishing what little was left of his ramen, reasoning that if he kept his mouth full he wouldn't be able to say anything else stupid.

* * *

Shin looked down at the remnants of his meal, in absence of anywhere else to avoid the Drifter's gaze. Damn, he really really hoped so.

"You want the rest of this?" he asked, a little too quickly to seem natural. "I'm uh. I'm full." He was definitely done, feeling warm and pleasantly sated. City life might be terrible for many reasons, but he had to admit that the food was a far cry better than killing and spitting something that might or might not poison you on some backwater planetoid.

* * *

Not even asking if he was sure, which Drifter realised too late might have been pretty rude of him, he grabbed the rest of the food and started eating it. He didn't feel full at all, but really, nothing new there.

"Thanks." He said, in between bites. "I hope dinner didn't disappoint, then?" He regretted the question instantly. God. So much for the plan of not saying any more dumb shit. Drifter truly couldn't help himself.

* * *

Shin sat back in his chair a little, just relaxing and letting the other enjoy his food. Guy had always been able to eat like a man starved, he remembered. Not like Shin, who honestly probably would've forgotten to put something away if he hadn't been specifically invited to the meal. Together, they probably made two functional humans with reasonable eating habits. Still, he hadn't been quite so intent before. Way he looked at some things; the food, Shin himself... felt like he was just thinking about swallowing them whole.

Nodding, he stretched a little. He was feeling the fatigue more these last few days - his own fault, he knew, but wow did the little stresses add up when they weren't being constantly healed away. He wondered if this was how most people felt all the time, minus perhaps the knee bruises. "Food's real good, you just know me." He'd probably burn up and starve to death someday if it weren't for the ghost.

* * *

Yeah, he did know him, at least a little. Many things might have changed, but Shin still seemed to be as much of a disaster at taking care of himself. Not that Drifter was that much better, but at least he always remembered to eat. Reasons were irrelevant.

The hunter probably wasn't getting a lot of sleep lately too. He did look tired. And that brought back conflicted thoughts of last night, both how it had felt to fall asleep with someone in his arms, and then waking up to find him gone. Probably meant not spending the night, then. He guessed he could live with that.

Finally Drifter gave him a small, almost bittersweet smile. Nothing to be gained by bringing that up again. "Yeah. Good to get some rest after dinner, too."

* * *

For a moment, Shin was sent back to the night beforehand, passing out still injured and shaking but at the same time safe and protected. That emotional whiplash from torture to simple comfort, then the best night's sleep he'd gotten in a really long time. Then, well. Waking up confused and in pain and barely being able to stop himself from doing something really stupid when he'd found himself pinned... well. Good thing he'd frozen instead, anyway. Wouldn't have got an invitation back, for sure.

Still, it wasn't so late. And the Drifter looked as eaten away by tiredness as always, but he was starting to think that it didn't have much bearing on his actual energy levels given how he'd managed earlier in the day. He tilted his head to one side. "Why, you got big plans tomorrow morning or something?"

* * *

A part of him kinda wanted to say that yes, actually, he was a very busy man with a very busy schedule and Shin had to get going, because Drifter was clearly going to be too busy preparing for this very important business he had to deal with the next day. Just to prove he could, really. To prove his control, or the fact that he could definitely invite the man round for a perfectly nice normal dinner and then let him go without even getting his hands on him.

But the thought of being alone in this room for the next few hours doing fuck all quickly made him abandon that idea. Drifter shrugged. "No, not really. You just look tired, is all."

* * *

That got a rueful little smile out of Shin. "Damn, you sure know how to make a girl feel pretty." He kept the smile up, just to make it clear that he was joking. "And sure. Not sleeping that well these days."

Stay in the tower, mister vanguard Malphur. Don't go use your perfectly good and comfy ship berth, stay in our weird concrete room that we pulled together because the hunter vanguards keep dying and we're running out of rooms that aren't weird pseudo-monuments to grief. He shrugged.

* * *

"Oh, look who's talking." He returned the smile while still rolling his eyes at him. "I believe your exact first words to me when finding me in the annex where, and I quote, 'You look like shit'."

And he most probably had, which was fine by him. If they had to be all nice and careful with what they said around each other things would get real exhausting real soon.

"But yeah, no, haven't been sleeping much either for... Well, quite a while now." The smile became small and shaky before practically disappearing. The previous night had been the first in months he had slept that many hours uninterrupted, without the nightmares getting unbearable. He was thankful for it, but wasn't about to test his luck again soon.

* * *

Shin tilted his head, looking close. He knew the Drifter could go without sleep, if he really meant to. But this sounded like something worse, and it might explain why the man looked worse than he ever had. Still hot as hell, sure, but with an unhealthy look to him that mirrored Shin at his most obsessive and self-neglectful.

"You seemed ok last night," he tried tentatively, fully aware that it was probably a horrible decision to be bringing up any moment of vulnerability.

* * *

Frowning, uncertain, Drifter tried to decide how to approach the topic. He knew he could make a joke, probably about how Shin himself had looked last night, and shut him up. But after the sort of... Confrontation they had had about all the bullshit lies in their past, Drifter had been doing his best at trying the honesty thing a bit more. Not completely, of course, because that would be madness, but as much as seemed reasonable moment to moment.

"I... I'm not sure why last night wasn't as bad." He said as he finally started talking, voice low and careful. "But I've been strugglin' a bit with, uh. Nightmares, visions, whatever ya wanna call 'em." He avoided meeting Shin's gaze. "It's bad."

* * *

Well, that wasn't unheard of. Shin wasn't sure he liked the sound of 'visions' but there were a thousand things in the damn galaxy that could hook up a line to Lightbearers' brains it seemed like sometimes. Not least of them the big ball in the sky that everyone liked to think was running things. He nodded slowly, taking a long look at the Drifter. Yeah, he could see it. The shadows beneath his eyes, the hollow in his cheeks. Skin just a little waxier than it used to be.

Well, Shin only knew one way to deal with night terrors, if that was what they were. What Jaren had used to do for him, way back before everything went sour. "I could wake you up if you start looking bad," he offered, realising as he did so that it was probably a massive overstep. "Just. If you wanted."

* * *

Drifter almost flinched at the idea. Not that it wasn't a nice gesture to offer, whatever reasons the hunter had for it, but yeah, that wasn't happening.

"Uh, yeah, that's not gonna be any better. Sorry." He gave a half shrug, resignation heavy on his shoulders. "Usually my ghost wakes me up every couple hours. Keeps it from getting too awful. I'll manage."

He didn't mention how much worse it had been getting over the past few months, how it came to him easier and easier until now some days just closing his eyes for a second was enough to feel it washing over him once more, relentless.

* * *

Shin nodded, accepting if not really understanding. "Fair enough. Offer's open though, if you want it." Shin didn't know how to relate to something like that. Sure, he had night terrors. But this seemed on a whole other level. He paused.

"When you said 'visions,' can I... You know if they're from anyone? Anything?" Yeah that was definitely pushing it far enough to get kicked outta the ship probably.

* * *

He couldn't help but grimace, before getting his expression back under control. "So, alright." There was no way of talking about this that didn't involve at least one massive lie, even if just by omission, but at least he could try to make some of it clearer.

"Y'know the huge frozen chunk of... something I keep haulin' around? I didn't exactly, uh, find it. It was a 'gift'." The sudden bitterness in his voice and tension on his body made even more obvious the mocking way the word was being used. There was a long pause before he rogue Lightbearer spoke again. "From the Nine."

* * *

Shin whistled, leaning forward a little to drop one elbow down onto the table. "The hell did you do to get their attention?" He didn't know what to think of that. He'd be hurt that the Drifter hadn't mentioned it before now, that he looked so unhappy to be doing so. But that ship had sailed for the two of them a while back, and Shin couldn't really blame him.

As for the Nine, well. The hive and the vex and the ahamkara and the whole boiling of them had their own freaky god stuff going on, sure. All liked to play with reality 'til it stretched and bent and split open along the seams. But they were all terrestrial. Not of this planet, no, but at least of this world. Alien, but understandable. The Nine didn't know or care to know how the living things they watched and played with worked. He paled and reached a hand towards the Drifter's face, looking for. Something? Some mark of physical malady.

"Those fucks don't even know how life works and they're stickin' their fingers in your brain?" He asked, voice clearly displeased.

* * *

He was leaning towards Shin's hand before even realising he was moving at all. A small chuckle escaped out of him, humourless. "They've gotten better since then."

He tried not to think of the Emissary and all the bullshit history wrapped up in that, and other ways he had seen the Nine manipulate matter in increasingly complex ways since that first clumsy attempt at putting something coherent together.

And yeah, if it was anyone else, someone that hadn't changed himself like Drifter had, they most probably wouldn't be able to deal with this level of interference in their brain, would have been destroyed long before escalating this much. Which was probably why he had been chosen for it. "It's fine. I can handle it."

* * *

Shin's face was serious, slightly pained as he ran his thumb along the Drifter's cheekbone. The movement stuttered over the scars and he stayed silent. This shouldn't affect him so much, but... Well, he'd been liking having an ally. And he was so, so done with watching people's brains turn slowly inside out because every damn power in the system couldn't just keep its mitts to itself and decided that Lightbearers made real pretty toys. He really wanted to believe in the Drifter's confidence, but the two of them lied so much that all he could take away from it was that the Drifter wanted him to think it'd be fine.

* * *

The skin touched by the hunter's fingers felt like it was on fire. The kind of fire Drifter wouldn't mind being consumed by. He let the man touch him, but still frowned slightly at the look on his face.

"Don't like ya lookin' all concerned. Shin. Look at me." He asked, searching for the other man's eyes to meet his instead of examining Drifter's face any longer. He only continued speaking once he had eye contact. "The visions, I don't like it, but they are... They're helpin'. They show me what's comin'. The future I'm trying to avoid." A small pause. "I wouldn't stop 'em, if I could."

* * *

At this point it was probably weird for him to still be gently stroking the Drifter’s cheek, but Shin was still trying to process more than anything else. He did as he was told, catching the Drifter’s eyes, but he couldn’t quite wipe the expression from his face.

God damn, even if they hadn’t started patching things up a little lately he still wouldn’t have wanted this shit to happen. He exhaled, trying to shove the grief creeping its way through his belly somewhere else. Some other Shin’s problem, some other time.

“And this is useful intel?” He pressed, eyes searching out something in the other’s gaze. “You trust it?”

* * *

He nodded lightly. "Yeah. I really don't think they can lie, y'know? Can't comprehend the concept. Doesn't mean most of it ain't confusing as all fuck, but it's somethin'."

Forcing your brain to understand things that were often explained from the perspective of an interdimensional entity was not exactly easy, or pleasant for that matter, but he was getting better at it. He knew he was. He knew he could learn to dissect all the layers of manipulation and obscure godly motivations and metaphysical bullshit, and construct something useful out of it even if it killed him.

* * *

Shin sat back, pulling away with one last brush of contact along rough skin before pulling his arm back to his chest. He curled burning fingertips in on themselves, torn between the odd urge to run or get as close in as humanly possible.

“Well,” he replied, mind turning the idea over. “Guess that’s that then.” He raised his eyebrows briefly, face still oddly sombre. “I’m just gonna assume you’ll fill me in sometime if it’s ever relevant.” There. Take that for a mark of trust. Course, Shin wasn’t even sure that Drifter wasn’t being strung along by those insubstantial bastards, and he knew he’d never be able to get anything out of the Drifter that he didn’t want to share anyway. But it hurt a little to just step back and not chase any info down that he could.

* * *

Drifter couldn't contain a small sigh as he felt the fingers trailing away from his skin. Casual touches like that were just... So nice, and he hated to lose it. He looked away, trying to ignore the feeling.

"Yeah, will do." He agreed. Then, after a moment. "I'm tryin' here, Shin."

Trying to be more open, even if it was just a little. Trying not to hide every single thing he was going through behind overconfidence and unbelievable stories with just enough truth in there to make people wonder. Hopefully, the hunter would understand that was the implication, because he didn't feel he could say it aloud.

* * *

Shin felt old suddenly, and tired beyond measure. He'd preferred yesterday a little, when all he'd had to do was bleed and beg and there was little risk of damaging this fragile thing they were trying to build. He nodded slowly, still running his thumb over the pads of his fingers like a memory of the touch from before.

"I appreciate it," he said aloud, managing something that could arguably be labelled a smile. This was new territory for the both of them, this degree of honesty. He'd like to map it out a little further but then he had a lot of rotten curled up in his chest that he wanted to keep to himself.

* * *

Suddenly getting up, stretching briefly, unable to sit quietly for a second longer, Drifter walked away from the table. "Right, don't know about ya, but I could really use a coffee right about now. I'm making us some."

It was mostly an excuse to keep himself busy and not looking at Shin, maybe creating an opportunity for a change of subject. But since he wasn't going to be sleeping any time soon, it was probably just a good idea in general.

* * *

Shin checked the time quickly and sighed. Yeah, sure. He didn't need to sleep tonight. Didn't think he'd get much out of it any way, given what he'd just learned.

"Yeah, I could go for a coffee," he replied, standing to begin clearing away the takeout containers littering the table. "Thanks."

He got the distinct feeling that the Drifter was done with that conversation, and that it likely wouldn't make a reappearance. He couldn't quite bring himself to regret it, given that he was still processing it all. Carefully balancing the boxes so as not to spill, he made his way to what had to be (he hoped was) the trash can, and dumped them in. Turning ‘round, he almost ran face-first into the Drifter.

* * *

When he realised Shin was clearing up the table, Drifter approached him ready to protest, since he had been the one to invite him and was perfectly capable of handling the clean-up. However, the hunter was faster than he anticipated, and was already turning around before Drifter could get a word out, almost running right into him.

The Lightbearer put his hands on the smaller man's shoulders to stop him from doing so. "Oh, fuck. Sorry."

* * *

Shin flushed, jerking backwards just a little in response to the dual shock of a sudden obstacle and hands on him. God, he needed to be less jumpy. Waiting for his heart rate to drop again, unclear as to what exactly he was supposed to be doing now anyway, he made no real move to break contact despite its distracting effect.

"... Sorry," he managed once he'd managed to claw his heart out of his throat. "Need to look where I'm going, huh?" He swallowed, blinking a little too quickly and trying not to look like his entire being was focused on two points of contact.

* * *

"Hmm. I don't mind." Drifter said, with a teasing half smile, one of his hands slowly stroking down the hunter's arm, feeling the fabric. "Nice outfit, by the way. Been meaning to mention it."

Yeah, maybe not the smoothest he had ever been, but he had been trying to hold himself back all night, and now that he was actually touching the man, even if it was by accident, Drifter found himself quite reluctant to let go.

* * *

Shin valiantly stayed upright and managed not to make any embarrassing noises. He couldn't help but lean fractionally forward, increasing the pressure and contact against his skin. The fabric of his shirt was at least thicker than before, but it didn't feel like much of a barrier between them now.

"Thought you might like it," he admitted.

* * *

Oh, damn. He really liked that idea, Shin choosing what to wear and thinking of what Drifter might like. The strength of the grip in his arm increased.

"You makin' yourself prettier for me, Malphur?" His tone was mostly amused, but with an unmistakable possessive undercurrent to it. "'Cause I gotta say, it's kinda workin'."

A bit of banter and touching his arm and shoulder couldn't really count as breaking whatever vague, self-imposed rules Drifter had expected himself to stick to, right?

* * *

He breathed out, managing to get himself under control a little. The contact was nice but getting this affected by it was ridiculous. Nonetheless, he didn't shrug it off. It still gave a little thrill, heightened the whole thing.

"Might be," he affirmed, tilting his head to the side and blowing a little hair out of his eyes. He paused for a moment, before deciding just to go for it. "Anythin' you want me to change?"

* * *

"Ah, let me see." Drifter finally stepped back, to run his eyes up and down the hunter's body, appreciative and deliberate. Damn, those pants sure were nicely tight. Once more not exactly an outfit that would keep you too warm, but it did look good.

"Hmm, just one thing." He got closer again, deftly undoing one, then another button from Shin's shirt. "There we go." He grinned as his eyes drank in the skin this revealed. "Now it's perfect."

* * *

Shin couldn't help but shift a little as if to follow him, before remembering himself and staying still for inspection. He preened a little internally, drinking in the compliment. Meant a bit more from someone who actually knew him and wasn't just crushing weirdly on a guy they didn't know. The cold air on bare skin sent a shiver running through him, sure, but right now he was here to be looked at. He could be happy with that, he thought. Seemed an easy enough thing for the Drifter to enjoy.

Carefully, he bit his lip just enough to hurt, unconsciously angling himself to look just a little smaller, and tilted his chin back to bare his throat. Clean again, unmarred.

* * *

Oh, fuck. Fuck. It was easy to make rational decisions with an entire table between them, but now with Shin so close, so very tempting, well, that was another thing entirely.

He raised a hand almost as if to put it against the exposed throat, but ended up letting it rest in the soft flesh between shoulder and neck, massaging it gently.

"I told myself," Drifter started, already feeling stupid. "that I wouldn't touch you tonight. That I could do just a nice, normal dinner." It had felt important, at the time.

* * *

The bright sting of rejection came first, with its own familiar effects. Lashing out, leaving, they were all options that seemed for a moment incredibly appealing. It was the hand on his neck, distracting and welcome and incompatible with what his gut seemed to be screaming. So he took a moment, thought the words over, hoped the flash of hurt hadn't shown on his face.

"This was nice," he replied, voice remarkably steady considering. "Bit weird toward the end, sure, but that's just. Us."

* * *

Drifter watched Shin's face, tilting his head to the side, trying to understand exactly what he was seeing reflected there. Where this was coming from.

"Shin. You really don't need to leave." He said, his voice careful, like he couldn't really understand what the right thing would be to say here. Though, he realised, considering how Shin's mind seemed to work, 'you don't need to leave' might as well sound like 'I don't care if you stay or not' to him, so Drifter tried again. "I mean, I'd like you to stay."

* * *

Shin sounded that out in his head, trying to fit it into the narrative he'd already half constructed. He opened his mouth. Closed it again, brain derailed every so often by the movement of a hand on his skin, trying to make any of that make sense. Drifter... didn't want to fuck him, for some reason that he wasn't sharing. But he didn't want him to go. But he didn't want to do anything, and he was still touching him and that usually meant sex. God, that sounded dumb even in his head, and a little pathetic to boot. Nonetheless, he could feel a disconnect between the two concepts that he just couldn't bridge.

"I... don't understand," he admitted eventually, feeling stupid even as he did so. He was good at so many things, why not this?

* * *

He gave Shin some time to organise his thoughts, almost able to see the gears turning in that head of his, as it for some reason struggled to make sense of the situation.

Maybe it was because Shin wanted nothing but sex from him. In which case, fair enough, Shin could go and Drifter would know where they stood. But both the way they had been together lately, and the genuine lack of understanding he saw now on his face, told him that wasn't exactly the issue. Or at least he hoped so, Drifter admitted to himself.

"That's alright." He leaned in, pressing one quick kiss on Shin's forehead. "We can start by just having that coffee?"

* * *

Kisses, at least, he knew what to do with. Couldn't really misinterpret those, surely? Reassured ever so slightly, he nodded. Damn, he could do with something to even him out. Or at least give him something to do that wasn't hyperfocus on the hand at his neck, torn between yearning for something gentler or something far more violent.

"I could use a drink," he agreed, trying not to think about how little he knew what was happening. He just... well. He didn't want to go back to the room in the Tower, he guessed.

* * *

After squeezing his hand slightly in a way he hoped was reassuring, Drifter stepped away and went to finish making the coffee he had left halfway through the process before.

"Oh, um, you can sit there, if ya like." He said, indicating a pile of cushions and blankets in a corner of the room, half hidden by a couple crates. "Thought it might be more comfortable."

Yeah, no big deal. And if he had spent an hour going through every single supply closet and half-forgotten room in the ship looking for pillows and such so he could put this together, well, that really was no one's business.

* * *

Arms folded against his chest, Shin felt suddenly very lonely despite being literally two feet away from the man. Stupid, really stupid. He definitely didn't remember those cushions being there the day before though, which helped to fend off some of the worse feelings. Guy was weirdly sweet and accommodating for a man who didn't even usually bother with anything but a sleeping bag on metal.

Sinking into the pile, he might have curled in a little on himself. For heat conservation, of course. Nothing but practicality, and definitely not because it felt a little safer. "Thank you," he remembered to say in time.

* * *

Coffee in hand, he walked up to the corner as well, giving one of the mugs to Shin before sitting down, quite close to him. Drifter didn't often prioritise physical comfort, so it felt strange, almost too soft. He was happy Shin seemed to like it, though.

"Should help a bit with the cold." Drifter said, indicating the coffee, since he had seen the other man curling up on himself a little. He then slightly raised one arm, inviting. "Can always huddle up as well, though?"

* * *

The coffee was good. Hot and bitter anyway, helped to cut through the mess of flavours left over from the meal. He swallowed deeply, wincing as the burn ran down his throat but without caring overmuch. Gave him time to think, figure out what the hell to do.

For a moment, Shin took stock. Did he want to go? No. No, he really didn't. Did he want to have sex? Well. Kind of, he supposed. He was tired, and everything they'd done so far had been energetic to say the least. And he didn't care so much about getting off right now. But he didn't like the way the Drifter had looked before and fucking with Shin definitely seemed to improve his mood so maybe that was a yes. He wouldn't mind, he supposed.

Did he want to lean in close, let himself be held and kept safe? He shivered a little, took another pull on the coffee as if it were just the cold. Well, yeah. Apparently so.

Decision made, Shin leaned into the Drifter's side, trying not to do anything embarrassing like sigh contentedly as he went. "This ok?" He checked carefully. It was a ways past any boundaries they'd used to have.

* * *

It took a little while for Shin to decide what to do, but that was ok. It hadn't taken long for Drifter to understand that rushing the man when he was thinking about something wouldn't do either of them any good. So he just let the hunter take his time and drank his coffee, until he leaned closer.

Drifter put his arm around him, unable to avoid a little smile. "It's good." He confirmed. It was... Still a bit strange, sharing this kind of physical closeness, but Drifter knew he really wouldn't mind getting used to it.

* * *

Something welled up inside Shin then, thick and forceful and utterly incomprehensible to him. For a moment, one horrifying moment, he thought he was going to burst into tears for no reason whatsoever. Had he done so he might have decided to eat a bullet on the spot; instead it ebbed and fell again, still bubbling so it seemed around his fingers and chest but not forcing its way out. Not a good feeling per se, nor a bad one. A strong one though, yes indeed.

Carefully, he put down the coffee. Pressing in closer, the hand furthest away from the Drifter snaked around to get a grip on the Drifter's lapel, helping the hunter leverage himself more firmly into the embrace.

* * *

Drifter left his coffee to one side when the other man got closer, wanting both hands to be free. One of his arms was wrapped around Shin's waist now, pulling him closer, while his other hand went to stroke gently up and down his back.

He was attentively watching for any signs of discomfort with his touch. It was becoming clear to him that Shin had some... Hang ups, so to speak, around physical affection, and Drifter didn't want to accidentally overstep any boundaries. Not least because it might end up with him getting shot. But also because, damn him, he actually cared about Shin.

* * *

Shin's face was directed towards the floor, hair hanging in his eyes as his forehead pressed up against the Drifter's chest. It hid his face from view at the least, thought the air was quickly becoming hot with rapid breaths despite the room's overall chill. Some base animal instinct just wanted to press himself closer and closer until something snapped, til he couldn't breathe or move. The part of his brain that liked to pretend it had coherent thoughts was spending everything it had on keeping him relatively still and quiet. His eyes might be welling up with whatever that emotion was, but as long as the Drifter couldn't tell then he could be as pathetic as he wanted.

He was going to owe him more than before for this, he noted dully. Not enough for him to give up arms wrapped around him though; even if whatever was trapped in his chest ached and bit like nothing else.

* * *

The hand at Shin's back now travelled up to his head, starting to softly pet the dark hair, idly running his fingers through it, then smoothing down the strands again.

"You have really nice hair." Drifter whispered, absurdly. He felt a little silly giving such an obvious compliment, but oh well, at least Shin usually enjoyed praise, he remembered. And right now Drifter really was feeling a pretty much inexplicable but strong urge to make the hunter feel good, cared for, happy.

* * *

Aw hell. The thing beneath his ribs eased a little, just a touch, as the hand stroked through his hair. The repetitive movement was calming, like it was wired straight into whatever was running Shin these days and was forcibly dialling him down. Muscles untensed little by little and the smaller man found that he could breathe a little easier.

He wanted to lift his head up and kiss the Drifter, express his thanks in a way that he couldn't ruin with the wrong words. But he was no more physically capable of dislodging the Drifter's hand from his hair and interrupting the motions than he was of becoming a hive knight. Instead Shin splayed open the hand which had been gripping tight to fabric, resting it against the Drifter's chest and feeling it rise and fall with each breath.

* * *

He wasn't completely relaxed, but Drifter could feel Shin not being as tense as before in his arms, hand open instead of gripping, muscles a bit looser. The hair petting seemed to work for him, so he kept at it.

"I'm real glad you're here." Drifter murmured, fondly. He might be pushing his luck a bit too much now, but it was the truth, and it came out before he could really think about it. "Just want ya t'know that."

* * *

That nearly did tip him back over the edge, and Shin's throat might have developed a lump as he tried desperately to understand why something so small could hurt that much. It wasn't even bad, it was just sharp. Cut deep, right into the black core of him where good things weren't meant to go any more. And through it, a hand running through his hair. Like he was a kid, young enough that he thought the adults around him could actually protect him. It said that everything was someone else's responsibility right now, and he could pick it back up later.

"Thank you," he murmured into the space between the Drifter and himself, still a little choked. "... Thank you."

* * *

Hearing Shin's voice was like an electric shock, taking the air out of him for a second. There was just a vulnerability in it that he hadn't been expecting, something that he couldn't quite place but instinctively made him Drifter feel fiercely protective, holding him tight to his body.

"Don't gotta thank me, ok? It's all good. It's all gonna be alright." He said softly, but emphatically, lips against Shin's hair. And the Deep thing inside him showed its teeth, ready to impose that will onto the world.

* * *

Shin didn't have words for that, and despite every logical fragment of him screaming that no, no it wouldn't be, that he was losing himself and the end was coming and there was nothing they could do besides end as loud and as big as they could manage... Well, it felt like the truth. Like somehow Drifter was going to sort it all out while he wasn't looking.

The noise he made as he was held tighter was inarticulate, soft and broken. Eminently audible to the Drifter given that he was close enough to kiss if they tried. He didn't have words to respond, just letting himself be kept close and protected and let the Drifter promise the impossible.

* * *

The broken noise the hunter made pained him like a sharpness tearing at the inside of his chest, only redoubling that determined feeling, and Drifter was glad he was holding the man in a way that meant he'd be unable to see his face, because otherwise he might have a hard time finding an explanation for the amount of darkness currently reflected on it.

For a few minutes, he tried to concentrate only on his breathing, and the feeling of the warm body against him. Small things, present things, things that weren't the swimming void, cold enough to snuff out Light, trying to boil up from inside of him.

"Stay the night." Drifter said suddenly, voice slightly rushed. "Stay here with me."

* * *

Shin breathed out a sigh of relief; the part of his brain which was devoted to cataloguing exactly how things were going to go wrong had been whispering about how soon this would be over and he'd be alone in his room and all the more empty for having been full just a little while ago. It would still happen eventually, he knew, but at least now he could reassure himself that he didn't need to appreciate every second in case the next one the Drifter got tired of this and let him go.

He leaned back, loathe to break the safe cage of the Drifter's arms but needing to breathe and look the other in the eye. Well, as best as he could considering that his eyes were red and blurry, hair hanging flat in front of them where it had been pressed into the Drifter's chest. He hesitated; it was a stupid question, but he needed to be sure for some unknown but essential reason.

"Would that be ok?" He asked, managing to keep his voice most even.

* * *

It took Drifter a couple moments to answer, only because he was suddenly having to spend all his mental energy making sure his face had at least a semblance of an acceptable expression on it, not too dark, not too serious, more relaxed. That's it. Hopefully, the small warm lights that left the room mostly in shade would help mask any possible weirdness.

"Yeah, of course. Stay." He repeated, softer this time. "I think I kinda need it."

* * *

Another release of tension, as the thing he'd been most dreading in the near future retreated a little. Not going away, but less immediate. Presuming, of course, that he didn't mess anything up too badly and make the Drifter change his mind. He wasn't sure what expression the Drifter had been wearing, but it had been just concerning enough that he didn't want to make it come back.

Shin stretched upwards a little, pressing a kiss to the Drifter's lips. Chaste, barely more than a peck, but still the best expression of all he was feeling that the Lightbearer could muster. Task accomplished, he leaned back in and tucked his head against the hollow of the Drifter's throat. Warm, safe. Secure.

* * *

Drifter kissed him back, sweet and brief. It was nothing compared to some of the intense kisses they'd had before, but somehow the casual intimacy of it affected him most of all. It was easy to justify the others as part of the sex, but this one, not so much.

He felt Shin's breath against his neck, and sighed, content, wrapping his arms around the hunter again. Maybe they really would be ok after all. At least they could be, here and now, for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You cannot have an opponent if you keep saying yes."_  
\- Richard Siken


	6. Chapter 6

Dreams of something dark and formless crawling its way down his throat came to an abrupt halt as something on top of Shin moved, throwing him headfirst into consciousness.

He froze, breath catching as he remembered choking on segment after segment of something long and squirming, and for a moment he couldn't quite understand what was on top of him and why he couldn't move. Then, as before, the context of the previous night filtered through and he managed to relax a little. Hopefully the Drifter had gotten some sleep, he hoped. He needed it.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer had nightmares of something out in space, not in any known system, but somewhere so remote he couldn't even be sure it was the same universe he knew. And this something was a ship, but it wasn't, because it was alive, and it had legions inside itself, and it devoured pieces of existence as fuel for its massive engines.

He watched it for what felt like days before he woke, disoriented and more exhausted than when he had fallen asleep. Drifter groaned, trying to reorient himself in his body and his surroundings.

* * *

Being pinned to the floor by a handsome man was the sort of thing that most people dreamed of, Shin reminded himself idly. Admittedly a lot more was usually happening in those dreams than simply dissecting every way he'd embarrassed himself the night before. As it was, he'd felt the air outside their little bubble of warmth and thought that it was probably worth making the most of his living blanket while it was there.

Eventually the mass lying on top of him shifted, making a very discontented noise, and moved in just such a way as to elbow Shin right in the kidneys. He yelped, flinching and pushing at the heavier bulk.

* * *

Drifter jumped to his feet like a spooked cat, eyes now wide open, wild, searching for his gun, or anything that he could use as an improvised weapon. But then he saw the other man, and went through really obvious surprise, confusion, and then embarrassment in just a couple of seconds.

"Shit. I'm sorry." It was only as he spoke that Drifter realised how heavily he was breathing. "I didn't realise. I just. I don't..." His voice trailed off as he was forced to stop and try to catch some more air.

* * *

Shin coughed, knocking his fist against his chest as if to kickstart some vital process that had stopped unexpectedly.

"It's fine," he waved a hand through the air dismissively, levering himself up to a seated position with the other arm. "Just got me when I wasn't expecting it." He blinked muzzily, running a hand through hair that probably looked a mess. He'd slept in his clothes, rumpled and creased by the night's inactivity. Waving his hand again, he patted the area next to him. "C'mon, c'mon. Git."

* * *

He felt like he really couldn't understand or do much of anything right now, but sitting back down he should be able to manage. Drifter practically let himself fall next to the hunter, eyes open but staring into nothingness, as he tried to disentangle what had been part of the nightmare-vision-dream and what was real, what corresponded with the present he was currently living in.

"I'm sorry." He murmured again, only vaguely aware of someone else being next to him now. It felt like they were very, very far away, while he tried to grab and preserve any important pieces of understanding that had come during sleep.

* * *

Sleep-haze disappeared as fast as he could banish it, once it became clear that there was something wrong. He pulled the Drifter gently over to him, putting an arm around him in a way that seemed natural enough. Shin couldn't say he knew what to do here, what with an unresponsive partner and not much else to go off. But he checked and couldn't find anything physically wrong with him so. Enough space that if he wanted, he could get away from Shin's grip easy as, but enough contact to reassure if that was needed.

"It's fine, I promise," he repeated. "You're doing fine."

* * *

Letting himself be pulled and moved, Drifter leaned into the contact. It was grounding, and derailed the current course of his brain, which was just trying to replay the images that had been forced into it over and over again.

Slowly, the world around him started to make more sense. He was on the Derelict. He had slept too long, which was certainly why it had gotten this bad. And he wasn't alone, there with him was... Oh. Oh, _fuck_.

He pulled away from Shin, mortified. Real smooth, inviting a guy to stay the night just to have a weird quasi-metaphysical freakout on him the next morning. "I'm sorry. I saw something. Bad. While sleeping, I mean. It's hard sometimes to... It's hard, when wakin' up."

* * *

The hug would have been better if Drifter had been really there for it, Shin decided after a little while had passed. Sure, the contact was nice and the fact that he was searching for it was reassuring but. Well. He'd be a lot less worried if there was anything he could make sense of happening behind those dark eyes.

Of course, then came the inevitable freak-out over showing human levels of vulnerability, which was frankly rude. It was Shin's turn to have that one, considering he'd spent a lot of the last night clinging like a kid to the Drifter. He reached out, trying for a hand on the arm or something similar.

"Hey, hey. It's fine, you're here. Back home."

* * *

Without thinking, still only half there, Drifter grabbed the hunter's hand and took it to his lips, pressed them lightly against the knuckles. Almost testing for the reality of it, seeming relieved when it stayed solid on both contact and kiss.

"Thank you." His voice was small, eyes still not quite focused, but a lot calmer than just moments ago. Some of the more detailed knowledge he had been able to glimpse while in the dream was gone now, leaking out of his understanding, which was horribly frustrating. But the stark shape of a powerful warning remained crystal clear.

* * *

That somewhat went beyond Shin's capacity to process so soon after waking, and he squeezed the Drifter's hand tight in lieu of any other ideas. He didn't think that kissing the guy would be helpful right now, to say the least; all he could do was provide a grounding presence. Rubbing the pad of his thumb across the Drifter's knuckles, he nodded.

"It's all good. Just stick around here with me, ok?" He didn't like how distant the Drifter's eyes still were, like he wasn't with Shin at all. Felt worrisome, like he was going to disappear entirely from in front of him.

* * *

Drifter blinked a few times, slowly, eyes clearing up a bit more, then nodded. He could do that. It didn't seem so bad, when there was someone else there with him. It made it easier, and the Lightbearer was thankful for it.

"Are you alright?" He managed, after a few more minutes. The feeling of it would be haunting him on and off for the rest of the day, he knew, but for now the worst of the dream had been safely contained and compartmentalised in his mind. Drifter tried to go for a small, shaky smile. "Hope I didn't freak ya out too much there."

* * *

A light shrug, still keeping a hold of the Drifter's hand. Truth was that_ yeah_, he was kinda freaked out. Didn't know what he'd done to make it better, if anything, and sure as hell didn't know what had happened in the first place besides 'the Nine sticking their fingers in his partner's brain and stirring'. But none of that was helpful to say.

"I'll say I wasn't expecting it," he admitted, "but if sitting and looking kinda spacey is the worst you're handing out these days then nah, I'm good and fine." He paused, looking the rogue over. "How about you? Looked like you got a hell of a fright, if you don't mind me saying so."

* * *

He squeezed the hunter's hand tighter for a moment. "It's, uh. It's been worse than that. When I've been alone." Drifter admitted, hoping he wouldn't be asked for specifics. He sighed - He looked there and present now, but also utterly exhausted.

"I think I saw what's comin'. Part of it, anyway. It was a massive, world sized ship, and not a ship at all, and I just cannot understand it." Absentmindedly, he started biting his lower lip. "Not yet."

* * *

Now that was something that Shin wanted to poke at like nothing else, but he remembered the sheer panic on the Drifter's face and the way he hadn't even seemed to know what was happening until Shin had broken him out of it a bit. He'd nearly tried to kill Shin, sure, but... Well. Thing like that could get him killed just as easy. So maybe he shouldn't push it.

"S'alright," he replied, brow creasing a little. "We can work with that. Don't break your brain too badly there, you're gonna need it."

* * *

That got a small laugh out of him. "No promises. But I can do my best." This was too important. What was one brain against the fate of the entire universe? One hell of a lot, if Drifter had any say in the matter, but ultimately, if he had to be honest with himself, still expendable.

That '_we',_ though, didn't go unnoticed. It made him feel strange, conflicted. Drifter wanted Shin there with him more badly than he ever remembered wanting anything, but at the same time, he hated the idea of involving the hunter in all of this bullshit. Shin had enough of his own troubles, and this was just an absolute giant mess that anyone with half a brain should know to stay well away from. Ultimately, it just came down to one fact - Drifter had chosen this, Shin had not.

* * *

Shin nodded, bumping shoulders companionably with the other Lightbearer. "Hey, that's all I ask." It occurred to him that he hadn't exactly been invited into this whole thing, might not be welcome to start muscling in, puzzling out what was going on. But, well. Wouldn't be responsible to let the Drifter break himself doing this nonsense alone. Outside pair of eyes could do him a world of good anyway by the look of things, and he could cope with it. Plus, well. Man needed a break, looked about half dead. He quirked a smile in the Drifter's direction, one designed to try generate a little ease.

* * *

Seeing Shin smiling at him like that, being casually supportive... It was just too much. It made the reality of all of his own wild plans and schemes hit him like a punch to the face. All the lies and the secrets he was maintaining even now. God, what the fuck had he been thinking? None of this could ever work. If Shin knew about all of it, about the thing from the Deep that lived now inside him, he wouldn't be smiling and holding his goddamn hand, he would be putting a bullet through his skull.

"It's really not your fight, Malphur." He said, finally, trying to hide the hurt in his voice and not doing a great job of it. The Lightbearer turned away to search for the cold cup of coffee from the night before, and drank all of it in one long gulp.

* * *

Closing his eyes, Shin took a long moment to think past the initial burst of anger and upset and all the other useless damn emotions that his brain liked to throw at him every time he even thought he'd been rejected. Drifter wasn't thinking very well right now, and he definitely hadn't presented his case very well. So instead of lashing out or flinching back, for once Shin put a little thought into his next words.

"My planet. My species. Yours too. Don't think it's a one-man job, I'm afraid."

And if the rogue thought he was going to drop something like this and walk away, he had another think coming. Shin was gonna find out how to kill this thing dead.

* * *

After leaving the empty cup to one side, Drifter turned sharply to look back at the hunter. He got closer, eyes dark and face serious, his hand shooting up to grab at the other man's chin roughly.

"See, I don't think ya get it. This is a lot more serious than one planet, or one species." And he wasn't just one man, not anymore. Shin was right there, it wasn't a one-man job, so he had had to become something else. Now, staring into the eyes of the man in front of him, Drifter could feel it crawling around inside, right under his skin, growing hungrier and more powerful. "Me? I'm done. This is it for me. But it doesn't have to be for you. Understand?"

* * *

Something shuttered closed behind Shin's eyes, and they went flat and blank. He let himself be manhandled, deciding to himself that it was this or start escalating and he wasn't doing that. Not right now. It hurt, the grip bruising, and he didn't twitch.

"Fuckin' bold of you," he managed, voice dull, "to suggest that there was ever a chance of me making it past this shit."

World's ending, kids. And sure, it was ending for everyone. Not just the three races the Traveller had chosen. But Shin was going to focus on the ones that were his, and if everything else worked out then fine. Way things had been going though, it was going to be working out for...

Well. There was a reason he'd started wondering if he was here to train up the next set of Lightbearers.

* * *

Drifter practically growled in response to that, hurt and anger so strong now he was shaking a little with it.

"Fuck. I'm tryin' to protect you here, can't ya see that?" From Drifter, or Shin himself, or everything else, it didn't seem to be a difference right now. At least he couldn't see it, brain being the mess that it currently was. "Shin,_ please_." Above all the anger, he sounded desperate, and he wasn't even sure what for. God, but his head hurt so much. He dropped the hand that had been grabbing at the hunter, to press it against his own eyes.

* * *

For a moment it looked almost as though something was crawling under the Drifter's skin as his face twisted and he yelled. Shin just stood there, let him do it.

It was only when the grip faltered and Drifter looked like something was seriously wrong with him that it broke. He put a hand to the man's forehead, guiding him back down to where he'd been seated. Movements stiff, almost mechanical, he checked to try and find anything physically wrong with him.

He didn't say anything, not even bothering to give a response. The Drifter likely wasn't thinking straight anyway. If he'd needed protection then now was far too late to be worthwhile.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer let himself be moved and examined. Everything felt too intense right now, hard to deal with. Turns out, surprising no one, that when you made two different messes, they didn't cancel each other out - You just ended up with a bigger mess. The place the mess was happening being Drifter's brain.

"Well, I sure fucked everything up." The words came out in a shaky whisper, and the Lightbearer wasn't even sure if he had spoken them aloud at all.

* * *

The other man felt a little hot to the touch, sure, but nothing that explained this. Shin didn't want to let him go, didn't think it safe or fair to either of them. But he couldn't fix a problem that wasn't there, either. He sighed deeply, shoulders slumping. Didn't know what to do with the man's words, didn't know what he was meant to be doing.

"Think we could use a do-over," he admitted, looking between the pair of them.

* * *

"Sure. Maybe a few years long." Drifter only realised he was laughing when he heard it himself, something horrible and humourless that ended with a broken sob.

There was a little rational part of him that still remained, in a corner of his mind, and could do nothing but watch horrified at the way he was acting. If Shin ever even talked to him after today, it would be a miracle.

* * *

For a hot second, Shin let himself be entertained by the idea of a pair of them who hadn't spent years fucking with each other, but had instead been working together. He quickly decided that he hated the lucky bastard he could've been, with his fuckin backup and his intact soul.

"Yeah, well," he replied roughly, "you're stuck with the idiot you got, and you ain't getting rid of me 'less you put a bullet in me yourself." He didn't know how to deal with any of this, wanted to shake the Drifter every bit as much as he wanted to hold him close and fix everything.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer looked at Shin then, and maybe it was the way he felt all feverish and bordering on delirium, but Drifter was convinced he must be able to see It now, right on his face, plain as day, the Hunger for him that was stronger than ever, the wild untamed yearning, the pull of the Deep.

If it wasn't satisfied somehow, right now, it felt like it would turn around and devour Drifter himself. So he grabbed desperately at the hunter, embracing him like he was the only real thing he could find, and losing that would mean drowning.

* * *

Shin made a choked noise of surprise and let himself be yanked forwards into strong arms. He'd seen the Drifter's face for a moment, and some part of him had thought hysterically that he was going to go for the throat and rip him wide open. Probably stupid of him to go easily, but he couldn't convince himself to leave. Not like this, with the Drifter so obviously in pain and distress. He wrapped his arms around the other man instead, supporting his weight as best he could.

* * *

Drifter nuzzled his face into the hunter's neck, breathed in the smell of his skin, let the arms around him remind him of his real physical size. The thing inside him insisted on its own vastness, oceans of rippling dark, the stretching of identity to a scale where it had no meaning anymore.

He didn't know how much time it had passed until he managed to talk again, very faintly, in a volume that would have been impossible for someone that wasn't so close to hear. "If you have to kill me, I'll understand."

* * *

Shin didn't have a response to that, couldn't think of one, but the idea took something in him and cracked it. If he had to kill the Drifter at this point, then they would both have lost so badly that there was barely a point any more. He shuddered a little, holding Drifter tighter. He knew he had it in him to do it, of course he did. The empty thing inside him was always ready to snuff out whatever light could be found. But the bit of him that was still a person and not that couldn't really conceive of just walking away after. Funny, how things changed.

"Right back at you," he managed finally, emptying his head of those eyes repeated over and over, glassy and still.

* * *

Hearing that, he wanted to shout back, 'I couldn't', but what good would lying about it do either of them? Truth was, not only could he kill the hunter but sometimes he wanted to. Sometimes it seemed like it would be easy, feel like a victory. By the very nature of it, it was almost impossible now to distinguish which impulses were originally his own and which were the doing of the Deep thing inside him, if there had ever truly been any difference.

"I don't think I'm worthy of that responsibility. You shoulda found someone better." His voice was rough and tired, eyes shut tightly. He wasn't like legendary hero Shin fuckin' Malphur, who could be trusted with these things. He was just a nobody scavenger that had bitten off way more than he could chew, cosmologically speaking.

* * *

Shin clenched his jaw, pulled him in and squeezed tighter like he could get the message through his thick skull if only enough force were applied. You got given a task, you did that task. Even if it killed you inside, if it mattered, you did it.

"Not about being worthy," he replied, "it's about trust." And if Shin had to deal with the weight of that trust then so did the Drifter, damn it. "Anyway, nobody else would stand a chance."

* * *

He nodded. It made sense, in a twisted sort of way. Who else could they trust to understand something like this? To actually comprehend the stakes? No matter the form it took, it was just the two of them, and had been for a long while.

"Can I kiss you?" Drifter asked, and didn't even care how pathetic it might sound. If the answer was no, he'd get it. But the impulse was there, insistent and undeniable.

* * *

Shin didn't feel like kissing at that moment. Didn't feel much like anything, if truth be told. Looking inside himself for something that wasn't tired and old and rotting, his body felt like some dead thing. Just hadn't gotten the message to stay down, kept moving and breathing despite the absence of any spark.

The body in his arms was alive though, and if he focused it felt almost like he was too. So he nodded, unwinding his arms a little to let the Drifter get into whatever position he thought was best.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer positioned himself over the smaller man, straddling him but without putting any actual weight on him, all resting in his own knees. He gently moved Shin's hands so each would be at one side of his waist, and then touched his own to the hunter's face, one palm warm against his cheek, the fingertips of the other lightly tracing his jawline.

"Is this alright?" Drifter asked, gently.

* * *

Shin spread his fingers, feeling the way clothing and flesh alike pressed against them. They felt real enough, living and whole. Tilting his head back in a familiar motion, the touch of skin against his face felt distant. Not quite there, even if he could logically see and experience the things happening to him. The ache beneath his skin eased a little, though, and his movements felt as though they were only being forced through water rather than treacle so he nodded again. Parted his lips a little, waiting for the press of lips against his own.

* * *

Drifter leaned in, and slowly closed the distance left between them. The kiss started very light, like he had done with some before, not teasing this time but testing, looking for any response out of the other man. He used his tongue sparingly, sweetly licking at Shin's bottom lip, barely pushing the tip between them.

He wasn't even sure what the plan was here, if he even had one. At that moment, Drifter just longed for the comforting closeness and physicality of it.

* * *

At first Shin just let it happen, just feeling the distant warmth and press of lips against his. His fingers pressed against the Drifter's waist, light but constant. Using the body made it feel more like his, and eventually he began to respond with slow movements, opening his mouth a little more to let the Drifter in and pressing back with lips and tongue. It wasn't exactly passionate, but it was the best he could manage at that minute. Slow, gentle movements, and the slow leech of warmth from one to the other.

* * *

When Shin started moving with him, it felt like a little victory, making him feel just a bit lighter. It was actually good like this, no rush, no power play or terrible confrontation. It was really good to know they could do that too, fun as those other things might be.

He could kiss the hunter a bit deeper now that he had allowed him more access, taking his time to explore his mouth, holding Shin's face with both of his hands like something precious.

* * *

The press of the Drifter's tongue between his lips was the first thing that really registered as a proper sensation, cutting through the dim haze that things seemed to be cloaked in. It was good, he decided at length. Gentler than he was used to, no pain. Almost a pity; pain tended to get through to him a lot better. But having himself mapped out by someone else, exploring the ways the Drifter could get even a slight response out of him felt like being seen. Acknowledged. You are here. You are present.

Shin made a slight noise, the first one so far, as the Drifter moved his face slightly for better access. His fingers twitched, thumbs stroking lightly along the Drifter's ribs.

* * *

Just that little noise, combined with the lightly stroking fingers, were enough to get a small moan out of the Drifter, muffled against the other man's mouth. Making as little noise as possible was one of the ways he usually got to feel in control, but he felt unconcerned by it at the moment.

The physical contact was grounding, a tether that slowly reeled him back, made him feel like he wasn't really falling apart after all. He really hoped it was helping Shin too, at least a little.

* * *

Using the leverage he had on the Drifter's waist and hips, Shin pulled him in a little, pressing the two of them together. The Drifter seemed better, less pain and raw nerves on display. He didn't look an inch away from breaking down, and the kissing seemed to be helping that along.

He tilted his head, deepening the kiss further and beginning to feel the light press of fingers against his neck and face properly. He still wasn't moving quite right, fingers clumsy even as his limbs were slowed, but it was a relatively recent attempt at grounding.

* * *

The Lightbearer was more than happy to let himself be pulled in, leaning into the movement, the closer contact of their bodies. When Shin deepened the kiss, Drifter hummed his approval against his tongue.

One hand still at his face, the other one went up to run slightly trembling fingers through the hunter's hair. "Anythin'." Drifter breathed out, fervent as a promise. "Anythin' you want."

* * *

There was no particularly good way to say 'I want you to reach into my chest and break my ribs open so I can finally feel something correctly', so Shin closed his eyes. Opened them. The hand in his hair was good, and he let out a little sigh at the slight tug and pull.

"Don't stop touchin’ me," he requested, sticking to the broadest brush strokes he could manage. "Let me make you feel good." He wanted to be able to do something, to be useful. To make his presence there matter.

* * *

Drifter nodded enthusiastically. This he could definitely do, and wouldn't need to be told twice. He kept playing idly with the soft dark hair, while his other hand traced a caress down to slide below the still half-unbuttoned shirt, seeking contact with the skin of Shin's naked chest. It felt warm under his rugged hands, alive, perfect.

"Whatever you say." He confirmed, before leaning in to kiss him again.

* * *

Pressure, warmth, movement. His body had taken a while to start responding positively, but it was starting to get the idea. Neck arching to pull on his hair a little, abdominal muscles twitched under the new pressure and friction. Shin went for a similar approach; one hand slipping beneath fabric to find the Drifter's side and map it out beneath his palm.

The kiss he let go as deep as the Drifter would push, paying attention to the way his breaths and position changed as Shin reached new and sensitive places.

* * *

It must be a solar hunter thing, because Drifter couldn't imagine any natural touch burning up against his skin the way Shin's hand was right now. Or maybe it was just the way everything felt heightened after he had felt so out of his own body, but either way, he could really feel every bit of contact with renewed intensity, hissing then gasping when Shin found a particularly sensitive spot right below his ribs.

He tried to keep returning the favour, keep touching the other man as he had been instructed, doing his best at it while not being very successful at keeping his hands steady.

* * *

The further the Drifter's hands roamed, the more Shin's body started to feel like his again. He tried to do the same for the Drifter, smoothing his palm along broad expanses of warm flesh and doubling down on those areas that the other reacted best to. He did his best to make it feel good despite his clumsiness, filling his limbs with as much solar light as could be maintained without crossing the line to 'painful' for either of them. Let the warmth spread through the Drifter, ease a little of the chill that the rogue always seemed to suffer from. He intensified the kiss at the same time, too; if he could suffuse the other man with his light, with the sheer strength of whatever he was feeling, perhaps it would keep him there.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer truly couldn't remember the last time he had felt this delightfully warm, either aboard the Derelict or anywhere else. These days he carried the cold around with him, seeping out of his bones, and hadn't even noticed the extent of it until the hunter had seemingly decide to do something about it, ripping out all manner of embarrassing, satisfying sounds out of him.

It wasn't long until the shirt that Shin was wearing started feeling like an incredibly inconvenient obstacle. Drifter turned his focus to the last few buttons yet to be undone, having to gather any scrap of concentration he had left to actually deal with them instead of ripping them open. Which would be satisfying, but it'd ruin the outfit Shin had chosen because Drifter might like it, and then he wouldn't get to see him wearing it again.

* * *

His back arched, letting the Drifter pull the shirt off him and exhaling sharply as the material was dragged along sensitive yet distant skin. Still keeping the Traveller's blessing flowing through him, he caressed lines of burning light into smooth skin as he pressed the line of his body as close to the Drifter's bulk as possible.

He bit lightly down on his lower lip, barely more than a nip but just enough to distract from where his hands were wandering; down his back, dipping just beneath the waist of his pants. Every noise he could drag out of the Lightbearer was a sign that things were improving, that he wasn't alone.

* * *

Drifter was practically panting now, which meant with every sharp intake of breath, cold air rushed into his heated body. It was a shock every time, definitely on the right side of painful. He thought he had experience with Shin keeping him on his toes, but damn, this sure was a whole different level of it.

His focus was pulled in about three different directions, making it almost impossible to process anything beyond an overwhelming amalgam of positive sensory input.

The hands intently descending down his lower back earned another moan out of him, as Drifter closed his eyes. The hunter apparently still had more than a few tricks up his sleeve.

* * *

Shin broke the kiss, letting the Drifter breathe and moving to mouth at the skin where his neck met his shoulder. It was hard to keep a solid grasp on what would be warming versus what would burn, distracted as he was, but he was doing his level best to toe the line and keep the Drifter on edge. It was rewarding, though, the way he gasped and shuddered above Shin's form, and every movement brought a new indicator that Shin was doing well.

One hand made its way lower, spreading out over the Drifter's ass and giving it the same treatment as the rest of him, pulling him flush against Shin's body. The other teased its way around the front of his body, curling through his happy trail and then back up again; light touches, just barely enough contact to excite.

* * *

A small, needy exclamation escaped from his lips at the loss of the kiss, even though yeah, Drifter probably needed the room to breathe. The mouth now working at the skin near his neck seemed intent on making that difficult, though. God, Drifter hoped the attentions he was receiving there would leave their mark - His turn was way past due.

Shin's hands didn't fall behind, and now any direction he moved the hunter was there to touch him, teasing him, pulling him closer, mercilessly stoking the fire inside him with that inescapable torrent of burning light_. _

_"Shin."_ He pleaded, voice breaking, too breathless to add anything else.

* * *

Shin groaned as the Drifter started to beg, the sound of his name on the other man's lips doing something complicated to his chest. He couldn't help himself from pulling the other roughly towards him, the hand on his ass squeezing as he ground their hips together.

Shin took the Drifter in his other hand, grip light and loose. Thumbing the slit of his cock, he bit down into the angle of the Drifter's neck, burning his mark there.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer screamed something wild and wordless, that broke in his throat, as the bite felt like it burned right through him, and, fuck, there was no way that wasn't going to leave one hell of a mark. A branding. If the searing pain and the gentle contact of Shin's hand around his cock hadn't already made him fully, painfully hard, that idea sure would have.

Drifter tried to buck his hips forwards into the maddeningly light grip, almost forgetting where his own hands where, just trying to get a better grip to be able to move himself better, roughly digging into Shin's flesh, one of the hands scratching deep along the ribs.

* * *

Pain flared bright and beautiful along his nerves like nothing else ever did, and for the first time Shin felt entirely like himself. The Drifter's weight was dropping down onto him now as he lost position, making it hard to breathe past the bracket on his chest. He whimpered, biting down onto already-abused flesh as a pure pain response, barely thinking of the man it was attached to.

Slowly, very much at odds with the pace of the Drifter's attempts to get himself off, Shin's hand closed around the shaft and twisted, light enough to slip and slide loose again. Laving his tongue over the neck wound in an attempt to soothe the injured skin, he suddenly jerked his hand once- twice- before resuming an otherwise teasing and leisurely pace.

"What do you want?" He echoed softly in the Drifter's ear, in between the beautiful noises he was making.

* * *

If Shin decided to bite down until he could tear a chunk of flesh out of his neck, right at this moment Drifter doubted he would mind very much at all. The pain and the warmth combined in such a way to make him feel anointed with molten metal, purified somehow.

The deliberate avoidance of any kind of rhythm Drifter could find some satisfaction in was going to kill him, though. He moaned in frustration, in between pants for air. The hunter's voice in his ear was dark, and smooth, and made him about a hundred times more desperate to chase that release.

"God, Shin, please. C'mon." Each single word clearly took a great effort to get out, and even greater amount of concentration to string an entire sentence together. "I just want _you_."

* * *

Those words went right to his cock, twisting somewhere behind his navel and making him want to bite down harder just to relieve some of the sensation.

Instead, regretfully, he disengaged from the Drifter entirely. Sliding his hands away from overheated skin, he made quick work of the other man's clothes, an efficiency born of many years in frozen territories. Pausing for a moment, he drank in the way the Drifter looked when stripped of his many layers. Wiry, proven strength, but soft in places where it mattered. Perfect.

Leaning over, he put one hand on the Drifter's chest, pressing him backwards into the floor so that he could straddle him. Of course, Shin wasn't anywhere near big or strong enough to manhandle him properly, but he was betting on the other letting him have his way here.

* * *

There was one agonisingly long moment in which Drifter thought Shin was just stepping away entirely, leaving him hard and dizzy and alone because of some horrible misstep he hadn't understood. He was so flooded with relief once the hunter started taking off his clothes instead, that he just happily complied with whatever Shin seemed to want from him, letting the man move him around however he pleased, greatly enjoying the visual of Shin above him.

_'Anything'_, Drifter had promised, and not lightly. Right now, he would go to the ends of the universe to get the hunter whatever he asked of him.

* * *

For a long moment, Shin couldn't help but lean back and admire the expanse of skin laid out for him to play with. Flushed and sweaty despite the cool air, and the dark red mark at the crux of his neck standing out bold on an otherwise perfect canvas. He trailed a hand down over damp flesh and soft hair, pulling away just before he reached the area most in need of attention. Soon, he attempted to communicate to the Drifter through eye contact alone. The other looked strange in the ship lighting, eyes dark with lust, and an expression on his face that strayed into that dangerous territory of reverence.

Aloud, he simply blurted "god, I could just eat you for breakfast," and proceeded to lean down over him, kissing and biting his way down the man's chest and abdomen with tender slowness.

Eventually, after a little more teasing, he took the head into his mouth and sealed his lips around it. Hollowing his cheeks, he sucked roughly on it ‘til the point of pain before relaxing and swallowing down as much of the length as was physically possible. With one hand, he braced the Drifter's hips against the floor to prevent him from just fucking Shin's face for now. His other he used to scrape his fingernails down the Drifter's side, digging in as he worked his throat around the cock. He had to look filthy, he realised, looking up again despite the tears in his eyes.

* * *

The hunter's eyes on his naked body felt like burning almost as much as his hands had, and Drifter could feel himself trembling with anticipation. Surely, the other man had to be able to hear his heartbeat by now, loud as it sounded in his own head, deafening, especially when they locked eyes and Drifter could barely remember to breathe, losing himself in that gaze, and its promise.

He couldn't stop making noises as Shin's mouth made its way downward, just most deliciously right one moment, not nearly enough the next one. It was torture, and Drifter found it difficult not to squirm.

Then, after almost convincing himself that it would never end up happening, Shin took Drifter's cock into his mouth. It immediately became too much, and the hunter only increased the intensity from there, forcing Drifter to get louder, since he couldn't move as his body wanted him to, breathing out fragments of praise, pleading, or begging that were reduced to base vocalisations on his throat.

* * *

Desperate noises filtered through Shin’s head, distracting to the extent that they were so fucking hot that he could barely think through his arousal. Never let it be said that Shin Malphur wasn’t the most stubborn, task focused person on Earth though, no matter how many men he would’ve killed for a hand in his pants at that moment.

Pressing down just a little further, he swallowed with the head pressing against the back of his throat and choking the air out of already starved lungs. Then back up, pulling off until there were only a couple of inches still being paid attention to and he could get some oxygen before he passed out. He ran his free hand down along the shaft, with just the barest hint of nails as a promise rather than as real pain, then curled the hand around his balls to play with them. Sliding back down onto the shaft, he did his best to remember everything that the Drifter had responded well to before; what rate and movements and noises in the back of his throat had made him lose his cool.

After a while of this, pulling off when the Drifter seemed to be a little too close, Shin decided it was time to take pity and drew away once more. His back ached as he straightened it, pulling himself out of pants which had grown steadily more damp over the last while. He shuddered, aligning them both so that they were clasped together in his grip, then grabbed the Drifter’s hand and moved it so that he could wrap one hand around both of their cocks.

“Please,” he said, more instruction than real plea, meeting the Drifter’s eyes and living for the mess he’d made of him. Alive, whole, present. Excited.

* * *

The core of him was enveloped by the most beautiful wet heat, washing over him in waves, drowning him one moment and leaving him gasping at the loss the next one. Drifter would have gladly lost himself to it, could feel his release building up, so wonderfully close, just to be suddenly stolen away from him once more.

The noise coming out of him was at once of complaint and thrill, the established push and pull of Shin stepping back just to come back with something greater doing complicated things to his instincts.

Drifter wanted to use his own hand on his aching cock, so badly, twitching with the grief of lost contact, but he forced himself to stay in the exact position he had been put in, and was rewarded by the image of the hunter stepping out of his pants. The sight of such a beautiful body, just out of reach, was enough to make him whimper.

And like he knew exactly what the Lightbearer was yearning for, Shin positioned them so perfectly, close enough that Drifter only had to lean in slightly for their foreheads to touch. He didn't need to be told twice, the look he found in the hunter's eyes enough to jolt him into action. Drifter started moving his hand, a bit too roughly at first, though soon settling into a better pumping rhythm, punctuated by small thrusts of his hips.

* * *

Finally being touched nearly did it for Shin; as it was he was unable to keep from swearing under his breath, low and fervent exclamations of need. He matched pace with the Drifter's hand, leaning forward to meet the Lightbearer in a searing kiss. His now free hand he worked into the other's hair, barely able to keep himself from yanking on it instead of just settling his hand there.

He felt hot, almost burning as fire licked at the marrow of him, driving back the darkness that had settled in his bones. He didn't know how to keep it all in, like his skin was too small for everything inside him and it was going to start overflowing at any moment.

Snapping his hips forward, letting himself bear down onto the places where their bodies joined, Shin couldn't help but fuck into the Drifter's hand. The maddening wet heat and slide of flesh against his own was incredible, and knowing that everything he felt the Drifter also felt was almost more than he could process. He licked his way into the other's mouth, trying to pour everything he was feeling into that point of contact.

* * *

The solar hunter's lips were almost unbearably hot against him, and Drifter welcomed the burning with a groan that was quickly swallowed into the kiss. The hand in his hair felt like the only thing keeping him from being completely consumed by the fire, and Drifter tilted his head to feel a stronger pull on it, as he let his mouth be claimed ever more completely.

The hand that wasn't wrapped around them both scratched down the length of Shin's back, leaving long white marks on flushed skin, and then even lower to grab at his ass, getting enough of a grip in the soft flesh to push in time with the movement of the hunter's hips.

He just had to hold on tighter, move his hand faster, as he felt the light pouring in and all but choking him, a blaze forced down his throat.

* * *

Shaking with it all, he whimpered long and ragged as his back burned and he was pushed and pulled around. For one delirious moment he wished he could stay there forever, every inch of his body feeling and fully his even if it was currently being abused a delightful amount. He was close, so very close but not quite there and he knew the body beneath him had to be near the end of its rope as well.

Shin twisted the hand in the Drifter's hair, using the grip to pull his head back as the kiss broke. "Please-" he repeated, this time desperate and raw, unable to even articulate what it was that he was asking for besides that he wanted and he trusted the Drifter to give him what he needed.

* * *

Distantly, a vague rational thought bubbled up in the back of Drifter's mind: Too much more of this, and it might actually kill him. But through the merciless haze of intense desire, even burning to death from the inside out didn't seem all that bad of a fate.

Drifter breathed deep and hard when the kiss broke and his head was snapped back, every exhale of hot air a needy little noise, impossible to repress without stopping breathing entirely. He had a chance to properly look at the hunter then, and the noises in his throat broke into something deep and low, stabbed as he felt by sudden adoration. Shin was practically shining, eyes glowing faintly, unnatural, painfully beautiful.

The rogue Lightbearer shot down and forward, teeth clashing with the skin between shoulder and neck, compelled by a whole new dimension of Hunger for this holy thing in front of him, barely even registering the sharp pain of the hand still holding his hair.

Drifter bit down, with unrestrained force, a mirror image of the mark that had just recently been branded into his own body, while the hand still around both their cocks redoubled its final efforts.

* * *

Whatever the Drifter saw in him, he must have liked it a lot, and the noise he made shook through both of them. His neck and back arched as teeth went deep into his flesh, half flinch and half ecstasy. His chest was heaving, pained little gasps wracking him and air too hot in his lungs to be sustaining. He moved, feeling the teeth pull this way and letting them do what they would as he pressed into the Drifter's hand and up against his cock.

He didn't even think, just pulling and pressing and doing whatever he could to provide that blessed friction and pain. He couldn't even tell whether he was making any noises, everything lost in an overwhelming flood of sensation; his throat was one of the many pains letting themselves be known though, so he supposed he must be. His hand joined the Drifter's, squeezing and moving in as close to the same rhythm as he could manage, and finally, finally everything rose up and broke over him. With a hoarse yell, he shuddered and came in the Drifter's hand.

* * *

The feeling of Shin coming undone in his hand was enough to push him right over the edge Drifter had been precariously balancing atop of for the past few long, glorious moments. He came with the sharp taste of blood in his mouth, teeth still tearing through flesh.

The heat was so all consuming he barely registered it anymore. It helped with the relaxing of his muscles, and that made it hard not to completely let his weight fall on the other man, face now nuzzling against the bloodied neck with the deepest satisfied sigh.

* * *

Light still coursed through Shin, hot and inescapable, but he barely felt as though he was in his body any more. Pain and heat and lack of oxygen were happening to someone else, he was just floating blissfully. Dreamlike, he lifted his one free hand to the gouge in his neck and dipped one finger into the new hole. The body flinched and made a noise of pain as he teased the edges of the wound, but that was someone else's problem.

He unwound his fingers from where they were twisted in the Drifter's hair, gentling the way his fingers carded through it as he tried to soothe the pained areas. Closing his eyes, Shin inhaled softly and let himself drift a little.

* * *

It was a strange feeling, like some sort of pressure had broken inside of him, not something external pushing its way into his brain like it had seemed earlier, but a quiet extension of himself beyond the shape of his body, now spent and satisfied. It was, he realised quietly, some sort of power that asserted itself into this dimension as the coldness and ice that permeated the Derelict.

Experimentally, Drifter pulled at it with his nothing but his will, bringing it closer, an invisible current of chilly air softly lapping at oversensitive, over-hot skin. A small 'huh' the only indication that it was the rogue Lightbearer's doing.

* * *

Shin shivered, eyes flickering open as a little of the burning heat drained away and the Drifter made an interested noise. He made a vaguely enquiring noise, still half in his body and half out, voice rough. The cool air was helpful; still a sensory spike on oversensitive skin, but he could think a little better with it than before. Gently, he ran his hands through the Drifter's hair and smoothed a bloody thumbprint against his cheek.

"You ok?" he asked, voice slurred just a little and fuzzy with exhaustion.

* * *

Drifter smiled at the man in front of him, just a little edge of something not quite human in its sharpness, eyes bright as he nodded.

"Couldn't be better." He said, as the gentler touches kept him grounded, reminded him to even out his breathing. The smile turned into a grin as the rogue Lightbearer raised his hand, and licked at the mess they both had made on it.

* * *

Something at the base of Shin's spine crawled with fear at the look on his partner's face, some distant instinct that would never quite get the message that Shin wasn't scared of this. Not at all. He blinked slowly, smoothing the Drifter's hair back and into some form of neatness despite the sweat soaking the both of them.

"Good," he replied, nodding calmly, and moved to kiss him. He was salty and cool, the bitter taste of the two of them still lingering on his tongue as he robbed the heat away from Shin's frame.

* * *

Humming his content, he kissed the hunter lazily, a loose arm going around his waist. Maybe Drifter ought to be freaked out at whatever the hell the developing ability inside him was, but right now it just felt correct, balanced. And why wouldn't it? Wasn't this what he had been chasing, what he had signed up for?

Sure, maybe mind-blowingly hot sex wasn't the most orthodox method of worship of the Deep, but if hunger was desire and desire was hunger, lust and love and conflict all intertwined tightly in his heart of hearts, it really made perfect sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"So, you kiss him, and he doesn’t move, he doesn’t _  
_pull away, and you keep on kissing him."_  
\- Richard Siken


	7. Chapter 7

It had taken a while, but Shin had managed to divert Ikora's attention away from him long enough that she seemed a lot less likely to come after him for... whatever it was she'd have done to him. It might not have been clear what the stakes were, but he knew he didn't want to tempt them further.

Meanwhile he'd begun figuring out exactly how these new guardians thought, their irritating lack of sanity and all. He'd stayed out of sight and watched the communal areas for a good day, a pastime that the hunters all seemed to respect far more than just wanting to avoid them. He'd seen a few catch his eye, but upon receiving a sardonic wave they'd let him stay relatively hidden. So far, he'd managed to puzzle out when they were all most active (right after lunch, which appeared to be breakfast for most of them), where they liked to go (everywhere you weren't meant to), and what they were all doing (nothing, absolutely nothing he could puzzle out besides kicking around and performing strange social rituals. Dancing. It was unnerving).

So, simple solution. The other vanguard were available 24/7, so the kids thought they could just come bother him whenever they wanted. Which meant they were going to get shot sooner rather than later, particularly given some of his more... dubious extracurriculars. So. Boundaries. He stuck a sign up on the wall of the vent into his little room, pinned there by a knife at eye level, stating that he'd be around from 2-6 that day and anyone trying to talk to him outside office hours would get a golden gun to the face. From there he went to sit in his room, and was now going over paperwork and thanking god that they'd mostly listened and left him alone once those hours were up.

* * *

Over the next few days, Drifter started to catch more overheard guardian conversations about the new hunter vanguard, traded stories, fragments of speculation turning into rumours. _Shin Malphur didn't get along with the rest of the vanguard, they said. Shin Malphur snuck out of the tower secretly, and came back covered in cuts and bruises. Shin Malphur was only here as part of a plan to kill the Drifter. He was watching guardians to determine who dared ally himself with the rogue. _

He's making a list, Drifter told one particularly chatty Gambit team. Of everyone in the Tower, who's naughty and who's nice. And he knew that even as he winked and smiled while saying it, the rumour would have spread like wildfire by the end of the week.

Then, he heard about office hours. Fucking _office hours_, of course. He'd actually be interested to see if Shin could pull that one off, since it wasn't exactly a concept hunters were going to comprehend very easily. Drifter made a point of learning what those hours were supposed to be, only to show up after they had already passed.

* * *

Shin had the Last Word off the table and aimed at head height without even looking up, the moment he heard footsteps enter the room. People had to learn. It was good discipline, or something of the sort.

"Come back tomorrow," he said aloud, flicking the gun slightly to the left and burying a slug in the wall next to where he judged the head would be. Looking up, he admired the perfect line of bullet holes he'd traced into the wall over the last half hour. Then he saw who exactly it was in the doorway and flushed, dropping the gun.

"Shit," he said aloud. "Hey."

* * *

He hadn't even had time to open his mouth before the hunter shot at the wall next to his head. The thunderous noise and close impact sent a jolt through him, and he surely shouldn't be finding the little stunt this hot, but well, _damn_.

Drifter chuckled, shaking his head. "I was wonderin' how ya were managing to make 'em stick with the office hours thing. Guess that's one way of enforcin' it." He crossed his arms, leaning back into the bullet-marked wall. "Hey there."

* * *

"Only had to shoot one of 'em so far," he admitted, laying the weapon carefully back onto the table. "Shoulder, 'fore you get mad." The other man looked a little on edge still, reasonably enough for a man who'd almost gotten a bullet to the... he tilted his head slightly, one eye slightly narrowed to judge the distance... hmm. Eye.

"How've you been holding up?" he tried, covering for the lingering embarrassment with amusement.

* * *

It wasn't exactly his favourite idea, but he had to admit that was reasonable. If Shin didn't get their respect now, these guardians would never stop pestering him, and any of them dumb enough to ignore a warning shot by the Man with the Golden Gun probably deserved what was coming to them.

"I'm good. Busy. Y'know how it is." Drifter said, walking up to the table. It had been a few days since their last, uh, encounter aboard the Derelict, and he hadn't seen Shin around since. At first he just vaguely wondered if the hunter was ashamed or regretful of what had happened, and kept himself busy running Gambit and very much not thinking about it at all. But whatever the case was, Drifter soon realised it would be ridiculous to avoid being the first to make contact again just because that was a possibility. "What 'bout ya?"

* * *

Shin leaned back in his chair, stretching and hearing his back pop. "Been doing reconnaissance. Finding out where the little bastards go when they aren't messing with me. Figured it'd be useful; track 'em, make it look like I know what the hell I'm doing here."

Plus, well, he got to find out where everything was in this damn place. Next time Zavala tried to have a conversation with him, he might not seem like quite so much of a mess. The Drifter was looking a little tired, but still well enough. Nothing like the unhealthy pallor that had overtaken him that morning. "You're lookin' good."

* * *

A half smile. "Yeah, been hearin' a bit about it from my players. You sure are makin' an impression on 'em." A thought occurred to him, and Drifter tilted his head a little. "You found the hunters' secret club yet?"

Shin's next words made him raise one of his eyebrows. "Doin' my best." It hadn't been so bad the last few days, really. He had averaged around six hours of sleep per night, with his Ghost waking him up for a bit after each two, and so far it had been working pretty decently to maintain some sort of balance in his brain.

* * *

"Well, good." He grinned, sharp and playful. "Who am I here to kill? Those are always funny when I turn up somewhere. Lets me find out who I should be worried about real fast." Course, it probably didn't help that sometimes he _was_ there to kill them. Or he added them to his list, once he found out why people wanted them dead.

He shook his head at the question though. "Been sticking to the common areas. They didn't invite me though? Hurtful." Secret hunter club sounded either really bad or very childish and not his problem.

* * *

"Most think you're here t'kill me." Drifter admitted, shrugging, still smiling a little. "One warlock did have a theory that it was the rest of the vanguard you're after though, as part of some elaborate plan to rule the Tower. Sounded exciting."

The rogue Lightbearer put one hand on the table, casually resting some of his weight on it. "Ya don't get invited to that one." He tried to remember what Cayde had told him about it, ages ago, when he had brought him along a few times. "You're supposed to find out yourself. Especially as their vanguard. Ain't really gonna get their respect otherwise, I'm afraid." Of course, just telling Shin all that was already cheating, but what the hell. Drifter wasn't a hunter, he didn't have to play by their rules.

* * *

Well, at least they all collectively had a handful of braincells. Drifter would at least make sense to kill, even if he wouldn't play the long game for that. "Stupid. Like I want to be in charge of this pack of children." Plus, well. Seems like he'd gotten in a good chunk of the tower leadership without even trying, very little murder required.

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Alright, alright. I'll go bust up their little clubhouse, put some fear into them."

* * *

"That's what I told 'em. But I think they just liked the story, you as a secret villain and all." If he didn't know the man, Drifter actually might have thought they weren't making too bad of a case for it. Which said something about the kind of image the hunter liked to cultivate.

Drifter nodded in agreement, then hurried to add. "Don't ruin it for 'em, though, yeah? They need a place for all their little hunter culture things, keeps them outta the way often, and really it's kinda fun. I still wanna be able to go hang out sometimes."

* * *

"Hmm." He raised his eyebrows. "Big mean Shin Malphur, out to get poor defenceless little Drifter? _That's_ the story they want to go with?" Looking the Drifter up and down, he let his expression say what he thought of that. Shin had to murder the guy, he was losing pieces of himself before it got done. Maybe more than he could afford to lose.

"I'm not gonna be an asshole," he clarified. "Just, you know. Show up before 'em. Mess with them a little." Never go anywhere near the place again, if he was given the option. Being crammed in a room without windows was already terrible, shoving a pack of hyper kids in there was the worst thing he could imagine.

* * *

Drifter grinned. "They like me, y'know. In that scenario, they're rootin' for me every time." It was true enough - The ones that went for that kinda thing did so because they liked the story of it, and no one gave them better stories than the Drifter.

That sounded more reasonable than what the Lightbearer might have expected, so he quickly found himself on board. "Ok, sounds like a plan. When are we doin' this?"

* * *

Shin's eyes narrowed playfully. "Your hordes of terrible children won't save you," he warned with a laugh. Mostly because they were all. Real easy to kill. They didn't trust him, sure, but they weren't wary. Because he was an authority figure, they trusted that he wouldn't put them down and he really wasn't looking forward to the day when he'd have to prove them wrong. It'd probably come, though. For some of them, anyway.

That gave him pause though, and he blinked slowly. "You're coming with?" he clarified, interested to see how that would go.

* * *

Even knowing it was a joke, that felt just a little too close to a threat for Drifter not to find it a bit difficult not to bristle at it, instead managing with his smile just becoming strained for a moment. Not a threat to him, of course, which at this point he was pretty much over, but to all those dumb Lightbearers he felt weirdly protective over.

He decided to ignore that in favour of answering Shin's question. "No, I'm gonna let you go do it all on your own, and miss the fun." He playfully rolled his eyes at the hunter. Then paused for a moment. "Unless ya don't want me around?" That could be the case, after all, since even after all that had happened Drifter had barely any idea of what was going on inside Shin's head.

* * *

Shin caught the flicker, the smile going plastic. He was going to have to figure out real soon how much the Drifter actually cared about these lights, he realised. Whether it was guilt making his face do that, whether Shin had just hit too close, or whether it was deeper and more complicated. He'd watched the man shoot a lot of people he thought he'd been at least fond of, too many to just trust that his affections were what they seemed.

"Hey, two sets of eyes are better than one," he acquiesced easily. "Long as you don't think it's gonna make me... what'd you say, 'lose their respect'? To be gettin' help." Seemed counterproductive, not least because from what it sounded like, Drifter knew where he was going. But if those kids thought that getting useful intel was less important than whatever weird treasure hunts they'd been taught to do then he didn't have much hope for them.

* * *

"Hey, I won't tell if you don't." Drifter winked at him. From what he could remember, there were a lot of rules that determined how new hunters were supposed to be able to get information about the place, but at least half of them had depended on how Cayde was feeling that day.

"Might not even be in the same place anymore, though. It's been quite a while for me." He admitted. "Stalkin' a couple of your kids tonight would solve that real quick though."

* * *

Standing, Shin nodded and rolled his shoulders. Again, a noticeable click as stiff joints popped back into alignment.

"Desk job's gonna kill me," he muttered, sliding the last word from table to holster with one fluid movement. "Tracking the kids shouldn't be too hard. Not that good at hiding, most of them. They're just real good at knowing where _you_ are, too." Void kids, mostly. All the brains in the hunter group, and they mostly used them for looking through walls to trip a man up.

* * *

Drifter chuckled. "We're turning into old men, Shin. It's terrible."

Though, truth be told, it hadn't been bad at all for the rogue Lightbearer lately. Whatever power was quietly growing inside him sure smoothed over small things like back pain or stiff joints. It made it as easy to lie down on top of a metal floor with a sleeping bag on it than it was on a proper bed. Didn't matter for him anymore.

"You just gonna get better at avoidin' them." Shin would learn, Drifter was sure of it, not least because he clearly had a strong motivation for it. "But yeah, dunno if you've noticed but Tower's kinda a safe space for 'em. They don't gotta cover their tracks here." Which would be helpful for their purposes.

* * *

Shin's face twisted at that, eyes going cold for a moment. The Tower contained the two of them, for a start, and while the Drifter might have decided to take them under his wing for now, Shin had made no such commitment. Not in anything besides a professional capacity. And, well. As before, the Drifter had an unfortunate habit of putting down people he liked. Push came to shove, Shin was betting on the rogue to win out, not some two-bit nightstalker who thought he was hot shit.

Blood stained the snow in his mind's eye, and he shook his head sharply. "No such thing as a safe place," he said shortly, in a tone that invited no comment. "They're gonna have to learn that sooner or later."

* * *

That sure made something crawl uncomfortably inside of him. He really didn't like the look on Shin's face as he said that, but contradicting him would only serve to start a fight up again that he didn't care to revisit right now. "Sure, if you say so." His tone was neutral, not giving out anything at all.

It's not like Drifter didn't know that. He had lived in enough places that the people living there considered safe, only to see them crash and burn and be destroyed. Sometimes the fact that nothing was safe seemed to be the only truth in the universe.

* * *

Shin didn't push the point, pushing the hood of his cloak down and shoving his paperwork into negative space. Might not be the best use of Traveller-given abilities, sure, but he didn't have to carry bags and he'd definitely crossed the line into blasphemy yesterday far worse. He checked his watch. Not too late. Hopefully a prime time for the kids to sneak off and do whatever illicit things pleased their little hearts.

"Should be in the Bazaar about now," he voiced. "Bothering Ikora and Hawthorne. This hunter club use to be anywhere near there?"

* * *

Drifter took a second to reply, trying to remember. "It's an old storage hangar, past some unused maintenance rooms. Or used to be, at least." He thought about it for a moment. "I think there were several ways to get there, but the one I always used was down through the annex."

Too much of the building was repurposed and built upon itself, making parts of it into a bit of a maze, which a lot of guardians seemed to delight in or hate in equal amounts.

* * *

Hggh. The annex was its own little scrap of hell, with all its poorly lit rooms, dark corners, and somehow overbright bulbs where there_ were_ lights. Gave him a headache and a half, not to mention the crawling feeling the bank in the Drifter's section gave him while he was nearby.

"God, really?" He moved away from the table hand lingering for a moment as he remembered the last time they were together in this place. Well, maybe next time. "Alright, lead on then. Let's find their little party and crash it."

* * *

The annex was pretty much Drifter's territory, now that he had gone all official and moved out of that little alley, and as shitty a place as it was, the rogue Lightbearer had a certain weird fondness for it. "Sounds like a plan."

They quickly got to the annex - the problem was finding their way through the twisting corridors with only the Drifter's years-old memories to guide them. At least until, right before taking yet another corner, the Lightbearer saw someone else there. Someone who looked like a pretty new, inexperienced hunter, doing their best to look like they were walking with perfect purpose to an audience of no one, at least as far as they knew. Drifter looked at Shin with eyebrows raised.

* * *

Shin grinned back at the Drifter, going from relatively casual to a stance that could only be described as 'on the hunt'. Silent footsteps, focused and intent on the new light as it made its way along from where the two of them had been. He drew back, pressing the Drifter back too as the hunter crossed the corridor along from them, glancing around as they did so. Breath held, he waited for a long moment with his hand fisted in the Drifter's coat before relaxing as the hunter moved on without noticing them.

The kid looked really new, armour still buffed to a polish and cloak untattered. Might not know where they were going, sure, but if so they were doing a good job of bluffing. It wasn't the walk of someone who knew the place well, either - it was like they knew one route only and had to keep checking that they were on the right path. Perfect.

* * *

Well if that didn't just send a quietly terrified thrill right down his spine. Having Shin around so casually lately almost had made him forget how utterly focused and scary he could be. But seeing him now, it made it way too easy to imagine that hunting intent turned to target him. Easy seeing The Man With The Golden Gun instead of Shin.

Drifter did his best to follow the hunter's lead, to look all casual and unbothered with that commanding hand grasping at his coat. Don't be so fucking ridiculous, he chastised himself. The paranoia could wait. This was supposed to be a fun thing they were doing.

* * *

A small fragment of his brain that knew this pattern kept drawing his hand back towards his gun, wanting it out and ready for when the kid made the wrong move. One bullet to the base of the skull, one in the ghost that he just had_ out next to him_, then... Huh. Wait, no, wrong person, wrong pathways. Again. He clenched his fist, digging sharp fingernails into his palm. Kids, remember. Stupid powerful kids, but kids nonetheless. Something crawled in his chest, and he shoved it down as best he could.

The hunter turned another corner, then another and for a moment Shin was so distracted by his own mental slip that he nearly lost track. But there, no, footsteps just the wrong side of silent, a slight _thunk_ as he knocked something with one boot._ Got him._ He was clambering up a strategically-piled stack of boxes to reach a vent hidden in the ceiling. Shin frowned. Could be a straight shot there, or could be he'd have to try stay undetected in the vents for a while and with this place that wasn't happening.

Well, only one thing for it if he was really deciding to care about this. He pulled the ghost, sent it after the kid with its optics dimmed to nothing. Felt disgusting being without it, even somewhere like the Tower, but he didn't have another idea.

* * *

There was such powerful intent coming off the hunter vanguard, whole body tense and coiled, looking ready for the kill. Drifter wanted to say something light-hearted, to soothe himself more than anything, but he didn't dare break the all too important silence for it.

Instead, he listened closely, trying to hear for the tell-tale signs of someone crawling through a vent, sounding further and further away. Sending the ghost behind them was an inspired move.

* * *

Shin closed his eyes, letting himself see through the ghost's optics. It brushed at him mentally but didn't comment, too focused on its task. His breathing slowed, shoulders dropping. The kid needed to take a refresher course in sneaking; the metal plating was unforgiving for every bump and scrape, sending it vibrating along the tube.

Unconsciously he was aware that his hand was back to resting near the gun's grip, but since the hunter wasn't anywhere in range he stopped caring too hard.

* * *

The wait was unbearable, made Drifter feel useless, and his already frayed nerves even more on edge. It should feel like the low-stakes thing that it really was, but well, nothing ever really did with Shin around.

He got himself lost in that thought for a bit, only to suddenly startle himself when his brain started interpreting a somewhat rhythmic nearby noise as approaching footsteps. Realising that Shin wasn't exactly present at the moment to get himself out of the way before they were possibly discovered, the Lightbearer panicked slightly and pushed the smaller man forward and to the side, to get him hidden around the corner.

* * *

It took a long moment for Shin's brain to process what was happening, why he'd been thrown back out of light-borne intent and into a twisted mass of pain and shock. He looked down, still adjusting to having two eyes, sure that the mass of red and black in his abdomen must be some kind of mistake, some flaw in his processing that would soon enough resolve. It was spreading now, the floor going red and strange beneath him, and he numbly reached up to touch the mess that his chest had become.

It hurt. Oh god, it hurt so he could barely think, couldn't breathe. His knees trembled, suddenly weak, and something in his chest ripped as he sagged onto the twisted metal. Thick copper bubbled up in his mouth and he coughed dully, feeling something spill over his lips. There was a connection that his mind wasn't letting him make, busy shuddering and gasping around whatever had gone into him like this and stopping him from thinking properly about it.

* * *

It simply happened too fast. One moment he was pushing and looking behind them, and a fraction of a second later there was a horrible wet, tearing sound and he was snapping his head back to look at Shin, and Shin had fallen onto something, sharp and twisted and sticking out and through his abdomen.

No, not really fallen, Drifter realised with a bubbling sense of panic, he had pushed Shin on it, and even though accidental this was absolutely, one hundred percent Drifter's fault.

"Oh, god. _Shin_." His voice was a rough whisper, trying to grapple with the reality in front of him, one hand raising itself uselessly towards the other man.

* * *

Everything was too much at once, so Shin did what he always did and limited the number of things he had to focus on down to one task. Shutting out the ghost, the thread between their minds vanished like smoke and he managed to get his feet beneath him again enough that his entire weight wasn't resting on the_ thing_ inside his chest. Lungs reinflated a little as bloodstained hands smeared down the wall in an attempt to find their grip, and Shin coughed wetly. He wanted it out, needed it gone so... He couldn't think of the why, but he had someone with him, didn't he, and surely he'd know. He looked helplessly up at the Drifter, one hand wrapped uselessly around the metal rebar and trying to pull it out of him with what little strength he had left.

_"Out,"_ he managed, barely a word through the liquid filling his throat, before his knees gave way once more and everything went hazy.

* * *

That single small word managed to cut through the panic and get him in motion again, getting closer to the hunter, hands trembling as they tried to help support his weight to stop him from sinking into the metal, but still too light, too afraid of making it even worse.

"Shin, listen to me, don't move, stop." Drifter pleaded. The shock of being snapped back into his own body in this state had clearly been too much, and the rogue Lightbearer wasn't even sure how much Shin understood about what was currently happening to him, or even how conscious he even was at this point.

* * *

There was a ringing in his head and for some reason his eyes weren't working. Or they were, maybe, but all he was getting was confusing signals that didn't make sense and wouldn't resolve. He choked on a sob, frustrated and barely understanding anything besides that it _hurt_ and he didn't know why. There were hands on him and they hurt too, as something caught on what felt like his sternum and scratched at the bone in a way that left him wild-eyed and trembling.

He couldn't do this, he realised. It wasn't going to get better, he couldn't get it out, and everything he did just hurt more than before. Shin's hands fell away and he closed his eyes tight, just barely managing to endure.

* * *

Alright. He had to deal with this. Drifter mentally screamed at himself to get a grip, and stop acting like a panicked guardian out on their first mission. Because it was very much not his first time dealing with someone getting hurt, and who it was didn't matter, it wasn't fucking helpful, everyone went down just the same.

Drifter forced himself to look at the mess of metal, flesh, and bone, and assess it coldly. The Hunger clawed and wailed inside his chest, but the Lightbearer shamefully, violently bit back at it and pushed it deep down.

There was no making it better, no amount of help that would patch it up. Darkly determined now, Drifter leaned in and wrapped his arms around the man, under his armpits, to get enough of a grip to pull the smaller body up and off the broken pipe, then gently lowering him onto the floor and against the wall.

* * *

For a long, agonising moment which seemed as though it would never end, Shin was consumed by wrenching agony. The alien thing in his body slid, snagging and tearing as it went, and he tried to scream but all that came out was rasping wetness. Finally though, he came loose and the hands on his body resolved into something that he could separate from the pain. Distant, though, and far lesser than the pulsing wound carved through him.

"Thanks," he managed to gasp out, spitting fresh blood from his mouth as he did so. He'd accomplished his task, hadn't he? Had there been another? He couldn't remember, head light and body so far away and surely it could wait just a little while.

Dimly, he became aware that he wasn't breathing, but that was likewise a concern for another time as the darkness rose up around him and he stopped hurting.

* * *

He almost wanted to laugh when Shin thanked him, feeling a wave of hysteria crash through him, watching the blood spill from the hunter's mouth, bright red and hypnotising, tempting, so close, so close, he'd just need to lean in and taste it...

Instead he just let himself fall to his knees, grabbing at Shin's wrist to look for a pulse that, he quickly realised, just wasn't there anymore.

He made a pained, raw noise in his throat, and then looked around for the man's ghost, trying to remember its name, trying to remember if he even had bothered to ever learn it at all.

* * *

Relatively far from them now, Shin's ghost felt as its charge flickered and died. For a moment, it considered abandoning the hunter and heading back, but. Well. It had a job to do. And either the death was routine, in which case none of them would be happy with the lost mark, or it was malevolent. And that meant a bullet through its shell if things went bad. It could wait, the ghost had a job to do.

* * *

The stillness was utterly unbearable. The only sounds Drifter could hear were his own breaths, hard and ragged, and the wet drip of blood on the floor. Through a dreamlike haze, he closed the hunter's eyes, softly touched his cheek.

Drifter had his blood on his clothes, from getting close so he could move him. He took his coat off and put it over the torn-open abdomen like a blanket. He couldn't stand to see it any longer.

The Light had been snuffed out of Shin's body because of his own actions, and the Deep thing inside him rejoiced at it, whispered sweet encouragement in his ear, fed him more power, and all Drifter could do was gather all of his will to ignore it, lest he couldn't stop himself from grabbing his own gun and eating a bullet right there and then.

Drifter had no idea how long he had been there like that, kneeling by the dead body of Shin Malphur, head full of visions and promises of Darkness, completely numb to all of it. Until his own ghost appeared in his field of vision, mentally pulling at him for his attention, red eye intense and quizzical.

"Find it." Drifter growled at it, motioning towards the vent Shin's own little drone had gone through.

* * *

Shin's ghost had never had a problem with the Drifter's. It left well enough alone, didn't engage, didn't distract. It liked that. Made things easier. The other certainly hadn't ever tracked it down, sharing a cursory memory file before jetting off again. It watched through the other ghost's dispassionate eye as its charge bled and choked, not caring particularly. Its charge had taken and given worse. The Drifter's reaction though, it saved for later thought.

When it arrived, it gave the Drifter the dignity of being ignored entirely, surveying the damage. This far on, it would be easier to just destroy the broken form entirely and replace it than try to kick-start necrotic and apoptotic cells into a semblance of life. It focused, removing the tissue from the plane entirely. Bloodstains on the walls and floor faded, as if no death had occurred. The ones on the Drifter it left, for politeness' sake, before generating a new Shin from raw light and memory. The new guardian crumpled onto the floor, gasping and clutching at its chest.

* * *

Drifter stared at the ghost approaching and surveying the situation, feeling furious with it, even if he knew he hadn't much of a reason to be. Staying away when it hadn't had any idea of what circumstances had caused Shin's death was a smart move, and in a better state of mind the rogue Lightbearer would have been able to admit that, but he just had wanted Shin back and any delay seemed unacceptable.

When it happened, though, Drifter didn't feel ready at all. He choked out an exclamation of grief and shock, throwing himself forward to grab at his arm, hand still shaking as the palm rested against his cheek, seeking eye contact.

* * *

Being thrust from bewildered and hopeless agony to total clarity, even_ sans_ pain, was jarring and hurt in its own way. He clung tightly to the hand holding his, grip bruising as his throat tried to retch up blood that was no longer drowning him. With his other hand he clutched at his chest, feeling for the hole in the meat of him. His touch met only blank skin, unmarked and healthy, and he shuddered, dropping it back down to his side. His head was turned to meet the Drifter's gaze, eyes still a little unfocused but trying his hardest to get back into the moment. The other man looked like hell, he noted, blood smearing his face and hands, spattered onto his clothes. He didn't say anything, just stared back and tried to breathe.

* * *

"Hey, it's ok, you're ok, I'm here." Drifter said, voice hoarse, trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to reassure Shin. He realised he was smearing blood on Shin's face again, and dropped his hand like the contact was burning him.

It was painful to see him like this, to know it was his fault and that the act had fed him, benefited him in some sick way. The fact that it had been an accident didn't make it any better. "God, Shin. I'm so sorry."

* * *

A low noise of loss slipped out as the Drifter took his hand away, missing the contact and warmth of it against his skin. He squeezed a little tighter onto the arm he had access to, trying to figure out a timeline in his own head. His ghost sent him a fragment of the clip, just enough to highlight the accidental nature of the death. He inhaled deeply, feeling the stretch and play of whole, unbroken skin. Adrenaline was still flooding its way through his body, with no threat to focus on and no way to release it. And, well. He might have made some new associations with those feelings, Shin realised as his body lunged forward to meet the Drifter in a kiss.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer was around 80% sure he was about to get shot. He'd deserve it, too, he knew that. He was expecting it.

He was not expecting Shin to move forward and kiss him. Surely, his Ghost had let him know what had happened? Had he not seen the way Drifter had killed him? Because really, there was no other way to describe it.

A stronger man might have pushed the hunter away, insisted on properly dealing with the situation. Instead, the Lightbearer leaned into the kiss, trying not to think of the blood that had so recently been pouring out of that mouth, his open hand now pressed against Shin's back, travelling down, as if to make sure it was now intact and unbroken.

* * *

This was going to feature in his nightmares for a brief while, sure, Shin knew that. But he wanted basic comforts, to know that he was ok and present and he didn't know who else could provide that. He leaned into the touch, mouth slipping open and letting the salt and bitter taste of Drifter's skin drive out the phantom taste of blood from his mouth. He whimpered into the other's mouth as his hand crept lower, seeking out every point of contact he could get and wrapping his own arms around the Drifter's back. Distantly, the thought he felt some wetness on his cheeks and dismissed it. Stupid biological reactions.

* * *

If this was what Shin needed right now, Drifter could give him that. He could face the consequences of his actions later, once the hunter was in his right mind again, but right this moment... Well, that whimper against his mouth nearly broke his heart, and so did the cool wet tears he could feel against his face when it touched Shin's. None of it was strange as a way to manage the massive spike of adrenaline he had to be dealing with, really.

"C'mon here." Gently but firmly, Drifter pulled the smaller man up into his lap, hands at each side of his waist.

* * *

Relieved, Shin crawled up onto the Drifter and let himself be manoeuvred into a more comfortable position. Just focusing on the positive sensations he was being given, curling and pressing up to chase that sensation. He had the odd idea that if he could simply cleanse himself of the way his chest had been ripped apart, just wrap himself in warmth and comfort and comforting touch then he wouldn't feel blood slick in his mouth.

He was being stupid, childish he knew. He could cope with this, he'd died to worse and more horrific than this so many times. But he'd coped with that in worse ways, maybe. Leaning in, he pressed deeper, making tiny noises to indicate his enjoyment.

* * *

Distantly, Drifter realised the floor of an annex corridor on a possible route to the hunter's secret clubhouse was one of the worst possible places to be doing this in. But really, he couldn't get himself to care much about it, and any guardian that dared exist in the vicinity would get a bullet to the head and not a second thought.

The little noises were good, meant Drifter was doing ok, he was making Shin feel good, and that was all that mattered at the moment. He kissed him deeply for a moment, then trailed smaller kisses along his jaw and down to the soft skin of his neck. Hands grabbed at the hunter's hips as he was leaning in, guiding the man even closer.

* * *

Shivering, contented, Shin tilted his head to the side, bared the long line of his throat. Whole, safe, unhurt for the Drifter to do whatever he wanted with it. The ache in his chest was still there, still raw and dark as the heat that always came to him with death burned somewhere behind his breast. He shifted, pressing the lines of himself up against the Drifter and winding his fingers through the other man's hair.

The contact was good, familiar, safe. But it didn't get rid of the crawling beneath his skin, the way everything still hurt with a phantom ache that his ghost couldn't heal. He kept wanting to check, one hand pressed against the skin of his chest, every breath careful and measured just in case. He closed his eyes, breath shuddering in the back of his throat. He was fine, he could be fine.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer kissed and sucked at the warm, unbroken skin, not daring to go beyond a small scrape of teeth. He realised he was treating the hunter gentler than ever before, almost like the man was made out of glass and he was afraid to break him. Afraid of his own hunger, maybe, pushing him too far and making it worse.

He breathed in deep at the curve of his neck, then spoke with a voice that was rough with both emotions and the effort of self control. "Shin, please. Tell me what ya need from me. Anythin'."

* * *

The thought which flashed through Shin's head was fucked up, really fucked up. One of those terrible coping mechanisms he'd been hoping to be rid of, hoping that somehow another human being might be a substitute for. And well, that felt bad too. Like he was using the other man for this, letting him paper over Shin's cracks without considering that maybe a guy who looked like he was inches from a breakdown maybe didn't want to be made out with? He drew back, conflicted. His ways of dealing with this shit looked bad, real bad from anyone else's point of view, and definitely bad to throw onto someone else as their responsibility.

Shin opened his mouth, trying to find words, before closing it. He should stop. He should get up, say sorry, walk away and deal with this himself.

Alone.

* * *

Oh, he knew that look. That was Shin's overthinking face, the one that meant he was going down some twisted mental pathways and talking himself into conclusions that all too often just didn't correspond with reality at all. He raised both his hands to cradle the hunter's face, making him meet his eyes.

"Shin, tell me what you're thinkin'." Drifter insisted, hoping his face reflected how serious he was about it. Once more, he hadn't said 'anything' lightly. He wouldn't give the man his word and then go back on it, not here, not if it was in his power to help at all.

* * *

Getting the words out seemed impossible, a herculean task. _Go on,_ a voice whispered in the back of his head. _Tell him you want him to kill you **better** this time why don't you?_ He swallowed thickly, lips sounding out the barest snatches of words as he struggled to put together a sentence that wasn't pathetic or revolting.

Eventually he gave up and pulled one of the Drifter's hands away from his face, pressing a kiss to it before moving it to his side and leaned in to kiss him one more time. With his other hand, Shin pulled the Last Word slowly out from its holster so as not to startle the Drifter. Pressed the handle of the gun into the hand he'd taken, raised the gun and hand to the side of his head.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer watched Shin struggle to put what he was thinking, what he wanted into words. It clearly had to be important, meaningful to him, or it wouldn't be so difficult to ask for it.

He was glad when the hunter seemed to decide to show him instead, letting him guide his hand, kissing back in a way he hoped would be encouraging and reassuring. And then, the heaviness of a weapon being pressed into his hand, raised to rest against Shin's head.

With a jolt of understanding that left him lightheaded, Drifter knew at once what the hunter was asking of him. He wouldn't have struggled this much if he just wanted a little gunplay as they made out. He wouldn't have put the Last Word in his hand.

Realising he had been holding his breath, Drifter forced himself to let it out in a shaky exhale, and whispered: "Are ya sure? Shin. I need t'hear you say it."

* * *

Shin closed his eyes, exhaled slowly. It was too late to back out, to pretend that he didn't want what he'd implied. Drifter knew, voice weak with the realisation. Maybe excitement, maybe disgust. Maybe he wanted out, maybe he wanted to blow Shin's brains out and fuck the hole, who fucking knew these days but he'd have to find out sooner rather than later.

His tongue shot out to lick against his lips, mouth dry and muscles tense. "I need you to kill me. Clean me, make it all... new." He swallowed, a lump in his throat and the burning in his chest so fierce. "Please. _Please._" he tightened his grip around the gun and the Drifter's hand, shaking ever so slightly.

* * *

Knowing was one thing, but hearing Shin say it, hear him pleading for it, was something else entirely.

It wasn't not wanting to do it that gave him pause, it was wanting it too much, and not trusting his own reasons for it. Drifter still had faint echoes of those sweet whispers ringing in his ears, and he knew it'd only get worse. An accident was adequate, but a purposeful death? Well, it would be a_ feast_.

He couldn't even imagine beginning to unravel that tight mess of deceptions and secrets here and now, though. He couldn't bring it up. Just couldn't. So that only left one option.

The rogue Lightbearer nodded, eyes soft, one hand still gently holding Shin's face. He kissed him on the lips, short and sweet, then on the cheek, then faintly on his closed eyelid, still tasting tears, and finally on the forehead, just a second before pulling the trigger.

* * *

Shin closed his eyes and everything ground abruptly to a halt. And then he was made fresh, with the only holdovers from death being acceptance and the press of lips against his skin and trust that this was right and good and he would wake up more whole than he had been.

He opened his eyes, looking up from his place against the Drifter's shoulder, and exhaled slowly. His skin felt like it fit him again, chest calm and breath easy. He didn't know how to read the other's expression properly, too fogged with what he worried it might mean, but his own face showed nothing but calm bliss.

Leaning in, he captured the other's mouth with his own, breathing a quiet "thank you" against his skin.

* * *

The death itself was a stronger shockwave than the gunshot, triumphant wormfood for the Deep. It made Drifter feel quietly powerful, unstoppable, and he had to close his eyes tight to keep himself together through sheer will, avoid losing himself in the feeling once more.

But when he opened his eyes again, Shin was looking up at him, head resting against his shoulder, and that made everything just feel... Right again, somehow, almost normal, no matter how absurd that could be. The hunter's expression was so different now, and Drifter knew he had helped create that peace he could see reflected in the man's face. Made him feel like a little bit less of a monster.

He kissed Shin back slowly, fervently, pressing the Last Word back into the hand of its rightful owner. He didn't want to hold if for a second longer than necessary - he didn't deserve that.

* * *

Shin felt his hand curl around the grip of the gun, the one material thing he could rely on utterly. He slid the gun back into its holster, its work done. His ghost shut off the link between them itself, making itself very much scarce now that its work was done. He felt a lot more even than he had at any point during the last week; clean, balanced somehow. Like he knew the exact scope of his abilities and how to exercise them. The fire licking at his bones quelled, dimmed by the death he'd granted it.

He didn't deserve this, he knew, but he appreciated so much that the Drifter had done that for him without complaint, without doing what he should rightfully have done and leaving Shin to his own hand. After a long moment he broke the kiss, considering words that would never have otherwise passed his lips.

"So if you want," he said slowly, sounding out every word as he spoke it, "I can show you how much I appreciate what you just did." He paused, thinking back to the way the Drifter's face had looked. Time for a gamble, he guessed. Inhaling, he continued. "Or we can go and find some hunters, and then later we can do it again."

* * *

Drifter's body reacted to that before his mind could catch up, a deep groan rumbling up from his chest, leaning in for a brief rough kiss before answering. "Come back to the Derelict with me later. We can do it again, darlin', anythin' you want."

For the moment, though, they probably should stop pushing their luck and get out of there before some random hunter kid found them and got the shock of their lives. With a half-smile and a stare full of promises for the evening, Drifter got up and helped Shin to his feet as well. "Let's go find that little clubhouse, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Your broken ribs, the back of your head, your_  
_hand to mouth or hand to now, right now, like you mean it, like it’s split-_  
_ting you in two. Now look at the lights, the lights."_  
\- Richard Siken


	8. Chapter 8

With some hunters well and truly confused and both of their reputations entirely muddied (particularly since there might have been just a little blood still on the Drifter's coat at the time), Shin considered the day's work to have been a good one. Particularly since the hunter to blame for their discovery had shown enough initiative to ask for tips afterwards. Heartening, it really was.

That said, he'd spent the entire time distracted, fingertips finding their way to the side of his head. There was no phantom ache to be found, no remnants left over, but the thought of what Drifter had done for him - _to_ him - lingered. And he wanted to do it_ again_. Break Shin down and snuff out the very core of him before dragging him back. It should have been frightening, but all he could summon up was a dreadful anticipation and a truly indecent amount of lust. So when their task was complete and the pair of them had time, he was aboard the Derelict as fast as was humanly possible.

* * *

Apart from the, uh, death incident, the little mission they had given themselves had been quite a success. Drifter had almost forgotten how well they worked together, when they were on the same page. It was good. And well, they sure had given those hunters something to talk about - Drifter couldn't wait to see what rumours would be spreading around the Tower now.

Though right now he truly couldn't wait to get the hunter back on his ship, burning with the urge to absolutely destroy him. Drifter knew full well how dangerous this thing he was walking into was, how much it could already be messing up the very delicate plans he had spent so very long setting up. But then he remembered the look on Shin Malphur's face, the way he had kissed him afterwards, and he had a very hard time caring about anything else at all.

"Welcome back" Drifter said, with a small smirk, once they were aboard the Derelict once more.

* * *

A thrill ran through him at the way the Drifter's voice dropped, an intent suddenly flowing through his words that hadn't been there around the younger lights. It felt sharp, dangerous; as if Shin was poised on the edge of a very high cliff and the other man was ready to push and watch the way he broke.

Anticipation was doing half the work for him, taking him from interested to excited as he grinned back. Rolling up his shirtsleeves, pulling off leather bracers and tossing them to the floor carelessly, he hiked himself up onto the edge of the makeshift desk and leaned back a little. Putting his lean form on display, yes, but letting him brace himself too.

"You were _very_ patient," he replied, tone still amused despite the clear undercurrent of excitement running beneath his words. "I might have to find some way to thank you."

The concept was playful; less serious than it had been a while ago, when things had been more uncertain. But, well. Now he wasn't sure who owed who, really. Nor who was winning or losing, these days. He did want to show his thanks somehow though, given that he hadn't had this level of clarity in a long time. Drifter definitely deserved a reward of some kind.

* * *

It was strange seeing Shin moving through the Derelict so comfortably, as himself, instead of some constructed identity that kept an insurmountable distance between them. It was good.

Drifter quickly took off the still bloodstained coat, then the leather chest armour, and threw them both to the side, advancing on Shin like some predatory animal, lips curved to show the barest hint of teeth.

"Oh, I'm sure we can figure something out." Drifter said, with an equally playful tone, just an edge of sharpness to it, hands stroking up the outside of Shin's thighs to rest at his waist.

* * *

Watching the Drifter shed his layers, leaving him just in his shirt and pants, Shin took a moment to marvel at the fact that this wasn't new and exciting. Well, it was definitely exciting. He was, it was safe to say, excited. But he wasn't drinking it in for the first time, all new reveals and novelty. He knew what was happening, what was coming, and that made it better. Let him really build up to it. Part of him had even dared to look forward to a nebulous 'next time', which was something he'd have to confront himself over at a later date; for now, there was just the guarantee that Drifter was going to use those strong arms and sharp teeth to wreck him.

He shifted a little, feeling the pressure of hands on his sides, and tilted his head back as the Drifter moved to look him in the eye.

"Sure you've got a few ideas already," he replied, half challenge half hope. Well, knowledge really. The Drifter definitely, _definitely_ had ideas if some of the looks he'd felt on his back were anything to go by. Some of them pretty creative.

* * *

One of the hands at Shin's side grabbed him more roughly, while the other one went down again, this time to the inside of the hunter's thigh, so Drifter could force his legs open and position himself between them, trapping him against the desk.

"Hmm. Maybe a few." He admitted, looking Shin over, eyes dark and hungry. More than complete ideas his head was full of images and fragments, the drive to possess and own and _devour_.

* * *

A token resistance was put up against the movements, providing the pushback that made things fun when the Drifter pressed him aside and just moved him to wherever he wanted him to be. He refused to be cowed by that dark look, jerking his jaw up in a show of defiance. If the Drifter was going to kill him - god the thought itself, just those words turned him on in a way he would never have imagined - he was going to die with some backbone. Hopefully.

"Why don't you show me?" He asked, leaning in ‘til he was inches from those sharp teeth.

* * *

Meeting the hunter halfway, the Drifter kissed him, getting the lower lip between his teeth, biting and pulling at it, teasing. The hand at his thigh increased the strength of its grip, digging in.

"Oh, I will." It was a lazy drawl against the other man's mouth, suggestive. He pulled back a little then, to give Shin a questioning look, as the hand that had been at the smaller man's waist came to rest open on his chest, ever so slightly inching up towards the neck, increasing the pressure as it did so. "Tell me, Malphur, is it just guns y'like for this?"

Probably a good idea to make sure they were on the same page. It would make sense, it was quick, clean in a way. Not that Drifter wouldn't be a little disappointed at the loss of possibilities, but he could live with it.

* * *

Shuddering, he let his head drop back and closed his eyes as the pressure around his neck increased. He used guns, sure. One gun, really. No point in doing much else, he didn't have any incentive to draw it out or change what felt natural but... Well. Him alone in his ship, that was something real different from the Drifter with a hand around his neck and the desire to make him hurt and beg for more.

"Whatever you want," he managed, throat bobbing as he pulled himself loose enough from sharp teeth to make himself heard. "Anything." That might be a little broad, sure, but he remembered how he'd been made to plead and whine and. Well. The Drifter had been upset when he'd killed him by accident. He was asking now. That, in Shin's book, was enough to trust him with this. To make it feel good. He met the Drifter's lips once more, pressing forward against his knee and hand to seek that wonderful friction.

* * *

Oh, well. That could be interesting, then. It made a dangerous grin spread over his face, something sharp shining in his eyes, as Drifter finally got a good grip around Shin's neck. "That's what I like to hear. Good boy." The last two words were accompanied by a tentative squeeze, as he went back into a full, hungry kiss.

Drifter could remember the way Shin had choked and gasped with the rogue Lightbearer's hand on his neck that first day near the annex, and pushed for more before Drifter had forced him to slow down. Way he saw it, Drifter still owed the man this, to finish what he had started.

* * *

His chest did something complicated at the Drifter's words, base pleasure at the praise and fear mingling together as the other man _squeezed_ and Shin prepared himself for death right then and there. And then he relaxed his grip, just a little, and the hunter realised that this was how it was going to be. Every moment, every violent impulse could be the one that ended him and the very thought of that was enough to drive him to writhing up against the precious little contact he'd been given.

The hand around his neck was as good as the first time, minus the confusion and shock that it had once engendered in him. He wanted every breath, body fighting for every tiny gasp against the pressure and Drifter's lips, but on a deeper level he wanted him to tighten his grip and drive him desperate into the darkness. Wanted to wake up gasping and crying for more.

* * *

Shin was already so receptive to it, so eager. Ready to let the Drifter drive him wild past the point of no return and choke the life outta him. God. It shouldn't be this much of a turn-on, and yet the rogue Lightbearer could feel himself already going half hard just thanks to the thought of it and the soft pliable skin under his hand.

Another small squeeze, then nails scratching at the side of the hunter's throat, along the length of his inner thigh. "I might just have to make ya beg for it, though. You beg so pretty."

* * *

Now Shin might be horny and desperate, mostly at his own hand, but he was still Shin at the end up the day, and even as he groaned low and gasped at the burning of his skin, there was something rooted in him that wasn't quite ready to bow. So he pressed closer against the hand ready to choke him, his own hands flirting at the Drifter's waistband just enough to make him _want_, and grinned with all his teeth.

"If you want that," he replied, "you're going to have to _earn_ it."

He knew what he was letting himself in for as he said it. Knew he wouldn't be on his knees and begging for death until he'd been reduced to a lust-addled and pained mess at the Drifter's feet. But he wasn't, _couldn't_ until that happened. He didn't think he was capable.

* * *

Drifter chuckled at the challenge, delighted. He didn't expect anything else from the hunter, who kept making him work for it, and surprising him with the most beautiful shows of defiance right when he thought he was for sure going to give up. "I thought we talked 'bout what happens when you're a brat, Malphur." Drifter threatened, with some laughter still in his voice.

He got so close again that their noses were touching, side to side, but not quite putting himself in reach of Shin's lips, as the hand controlling the man's airflow also kept him from getting any closer, Drifter's breath heavy on his face, eyes burrowing into his, clever fingers finally sliding right between Shin's legs to touch him over the clothes.

* * *

Shin quirked his eyebrows, biting down on his own lip to repress a slightly-terrified laugh. He remembered exactly what happened when he was a brat, and he was torn between terror and abject lust. "That's not exactly," he managed, squirming desperately against the light touches, "going to dissuade me."

He wished he could move properly, do anything besides slightly alter the direction and pressure of those touches, but that would remove half the fun. Or at least, so his rational brain told him. His irrational brain wanted to be coming already, ideally filled with whatever the Drifter would give him.

He closed his eyes, skin hypersensitive, and tried to tune out the mess of sensations. If just breathing near him was going to drive him wild, Shin might was well just give up now.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer pressed the heel of his hand against Shin's hardness at the same time the other one tightened its grip. "I see. Feelin' brave today?"

This back-and-forth, the dance to steal the upper hand from each other, had always been what had kept him coming back to the hunter time and time again, Drifter realised. Even before all of this. Even back in the days where he couldn't even be in the same room as the man without being scared out his damn mind.

And the challenge, the conflict, well, that fed a Worm better than anything else. The Deep itself was strife and struggle, and maybe, just maybe, they could go into it together and have each other's backs through it.

* * *

His breath caught in the back of his throat, vision going white for a brief moment, hips jerking once as his body sought any friction it could get, through any means it could manage. He was having real difficulty breathing, air whistling past the tight grip. It tickled, almost, kept him inches from coughing and choking against strong fingers. He knew that the Drifter could just close his hand right, throttle Shin right there and then and not only would he not protest, he couldn't stop him if he tried.

Opening his eyes, breath coming harsh and high, he made desperate eye contact with the other Lightbearer. Still couldn't keep the joke behind his teeth. "You know me. Legendary hero Shin-" he broke off, unable to force the rest of the sentence out.

* * *

"Huh? Sorry, pal, didn't catch that." Drifter said, casually, looking right into his eyes, as if it hadn't been the expert press of his fingers cutting off Shin's ability to finish the sentence.

Still having him by the neck, he took his other hand off Shin to start working at the fastenings of his pants, deliberately slow, like he had all the time in the world. Shin Malphur could be many things, including a legendary hero if that's how he wanted to think of it, but Drifter knew damn well he was not a patient man.

* * *

Shin glared at him, barely able to catch his breath let alone make a witty remark. It was a cheap way to win any argument, even if it was a way he might enjoy. Not much time for him to dwell on it though, not with the way he ached and how desperate he was for even a moment of skin to skin contact.

He bit down on his tongue, slipping one hand beneath the Drifter's shirt to find some form of vengeance. Stroking slowly along his side, he ran his thumb over the sensitive skin of the other man's nipple, jerking forwards against his hand at the same time, trying to get whatever contact he could con out of him.

* * *

Biting the inside of his cheek, willing himself not to make a single sound, Drifter tried not to let it show just how good that simple touch over the most sensitive area of his chest felt. He couldn't suppress a full body shiver though, one that shot right down his spine, making him snap his hips forward into the hunter.

"Oh, damn you." He growled, leaning in to bite and kiss at the strip of skin right between his hand and Shin's jaw.

* * *

He grinned, or maybe grimaced as finally the Drifter pressed himself against Shin. Hard, almost painful, forcing him back against the table and pushing his body at a different angle from his neck, choking him further. The attention paid to that sensitive skin almost made it perfect though, mind blanking just a little as the pain blossomed. He spasmed slightly, hand clenching and nails scraping against the Drifter's flesh in hazy bliss and pain as he whined. He couldn't reply, but he was sure that his face said all he needed to. Twisting, Shin tried to meet the other's lips in a kiss, only to choke himself further.

* * *

He stopped Shin once more as he tried to go in for a kiss, chastising him with a short hiss. "Gettin' a bit ahead of yourself, darlin'. You haven't even said please yet." So he stopped putting any pressure on the hunter's throat at all, letting him breathe again, giving him a chance to feel the loss and ask for it back, nicely, giving him an intense look that made his expectations very clear.

The Deep thing inside him wasn't so pleased with all these games. It wasn't patient either, and it hungered for death even more after having gotten its own way twice so recently. Drifter did his best to ignore it - he was still in charge here, and it'd happen when and how he chose it.

* * *

The grip around his neck was gone and Shin sagged forward, greedily gulping in air even as his shoulders slumped. He wanted it back, _needed_ it back as his vision cleared and he was no closer to release or death. The look he shot the Drifter was poisonous, jaw set and eyes narrowed in frustration. He wanted to be fucked, to finally get any real pressure, to be wrenched out of himself entirely and hurt until nothing would make it better besides a cold mercy and then brought back to his own release. For that, he needed Drifter. Needed him to want it too. He swallowed.

"Please." He said flatly, through gritted teeth and without any hint of request in it.

* * *

As requests went, well, that barely qualified as one. Shin was looking at him like he was rethinking which one of them should die, and damn, that gave Drifter such a thrill of fear and lust. Angry Shin was breathtaking. Ha.

"Ah. We both know ya can do a lot better than that." Drifter gave him a smug half smile, even when those burning, narrow eyes were hard to keep looking into without shuddering.

He finally slipped his hand into the hunter's pants, palming at his length, feather light fingertips feeling the warmth of it. And all the while he just looked at Shin, expectant.

* * *

A very, _very_ cheap move Shin thought distantly as his body jerked forwards, curling in on itself at the feel of a hand on his flesh. It took every ounce of self-control to stay still, not immediately fuck himself dry on the Drifter's hand. He'd been looking forward to this, though, and he knew the Drifter was as well. He could wait, could be patient and good and do whatever he needed to do for the burning behind his eyes to finally settle and fade.

Visibly, he pulled himself together and swallowed a fragment of his pride. "Please," he repeated, a little more genuine though far from desperate. "I need- _ah_\- I need more."

* * *

"That's a decent start." Drifter encouraged, rewarding the hunter's words by fully taking his cock out of his pants and gently wrapping a hand around it, adding a little pressure back onto his throat. "Keep going."

Oh, but he could do this all night. Drive Shin mad until he was broken and sobbing, or until Drifter got himself shot. Shin Malphur had a temper, and playing with that fire, gambling over how much he could get away with, well. It was most definitely part of the appeal.

* * *

Face twisted, lower lip nearly bitten through, Shin choked on his own breath. All he could think was that he wanted, movement or pain or something besides this hellish waiting game and teasing. He tasted blood in his mouth, form shaking around the Drifter's hand, hoping desperately that perhaps the other man would be so excited by his pain that he'd just fuck and hurt him without making him do... this.

He wasn't going to give in that easily. Meeting the Drifter's gaze, he bared his teeth even while pressing into the choking grip. "Think that's enough for now."

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer leaned in to growl in Shin's ear. "I don't remember askin' for your fuckin' thoughts, Malphur."

He then moved his hand up and down Shin's cock, once, twice, providing some dry friction that he knew would only make things worse. But he couldn't avoid indulging himself a little as well, seeing the bright beads of blood on the hunter's lower lip, turning his face to greedily lick into his mouth.

* * *

His mouth opened easily, letting the Drifter do whatever he wanted with it; he made a pleading whimper in the back of his throat, eyes fluttering shut just a little to savour the way that one point of contact felt. The rest of his body just hurt, skin feeling raw and oversensitive, Drifter's rough palm scraping against him painfully. He still couldn't help but move against it, knowing that he was only making things worse. The pain, though, was better than the teasing. His dry sobs were swallowed by the kiss, tears beading at the corners of his eyes.

* * *

Well, that was better. Tasting blood in his mouth, a sharp and familiar taste, and finally getting some of those wonderful noises out of the hunter. It almost made Drifter give in and give the hunter what he wanted, but he had done too much of that lately, too easily.

"C'mon, Shin. Y'know I could be so good to you." He crooned, thumb rubbing small circles over the head, spreading precum. "If only you'd give me what I want."

* * *

He could just give in. It'd be so easy; be treated well, kindly. Let his frayed nerves be soothed, just give in and break. But it would be easy, and the hunter didn't want to make it easy. He wanted to fucking win or lose, even if he knew the outcome before it happened. And the Drifter, well. He didn't know for sure, but he thought he might want the fight more than the victory as well.

He shook his head, childish almost in its stubborn refusal to yield, wordless and breaking. He couldn't even stay still, body wracked by shuddering pain and pleasure, every tiny shift only stimulating his heated flesh further. Failure loomed, and with it the hopes of an end.

* * *

Stubborn bastard. It was hard to avoid breaking into a grin, it really was. Only Shin Malphur would go to these lengths to keep prolonging this torture, even as he wriggled and shivered under his hand. Legendary hero indeed.

Drifter shifted his position a little so the hunter would have to open his legs even wider to accommodate him, pushing him a little more on top of the desk by pressing on his neck for just a moment. He then took his hand off Shin to lick at the precum he'd gathered on his thumb, before spitting on his palm to slick Shin's cock with it.

* * *

Legs spread easily, body now very much left to its own devices as Shin's self control focused entirely on what his treacherous mouth might say. It strained, muscles tense and aching as it tried to keep up the pressure against his throat despite the painful angle. Meanwhile the loss of other contact was almost a relief, aching flesh left alone for at least a while.

Shin inhaled slowly, watching the Drifter taste him, and was barely conscious of his own tongue darting out to mimic the motion. Salt. Iron. And then he was back, strange calm broken as a hand grasped him once more. Cool and wet, it was both a balm to raw skin and more than he could cope with. Posture crumbling, he slumped backwards, trying to just keep it together and waiting for when the Drifter would take this away as well. Because he was being bad. God. God, he wanted to be good, didn't he?

* * *

Drifter set his hand to a slow, steady rhythm, nothing but build-up, and every time he went down to the base of it, he squeezed on Shin's neck just a little, more nails digging in than anything else, nothing like a proper grip at all.

"Ya ain't really makin' it worth my while here, Malphur. Bit selfish of you, really." He tried, tilting his head to the side. A bit of a low blow, maybe, trying to manipulate any possible guilt for being the less active participant.

* * *

Shin couldn't remember what he'd been trying to do. It had been important, he'd known that, but surely not moreso than the need that kept climbing in his chest. It wanted something, and Shin wasn't giving it what it wanted and he wasn't giving the Drifter what he wanted and it was getting harder to think. Past the slide and pull of warm flesh against him and the futile struggle for a little more, a little less, there was that knowledge that he was doing things wrong and he should be doing _better_.

His face was flushed, body twitching uncontrollably as it tried to make something happen, and he couldn't think. He closed his eyes tight, a high and broken noise in the back of his throat. "Please," he managed, truly desperate now, and felt pathetic.

* * *

Oh, he really got a thrill outta all that working so well. It was always a pleasure, knowing how to find what buttons to push to get the reaction that he wanted. "Hmm, well, if you'll ask so nicely."

He started adding a little twist of the wrist on the way down as his hand continued to pump, grabbing properly at the hunter's neck again now. Still not nearly as much as Shin wanted, he knew, and his own hand itched like all Drifter wanted himself was to keep crushing until he could feel him break, but no, he couldn't. Not yet.

* * *

He was good. He'd been good. It didn't stop the hand on his cock from hurting, every movement driving his body closer and closer to its peak. He couldn't move properly, legs still splayed open and his torso anchored quite thoroughly by the neck. Every twitch of his hips would shift his entire body in this position, and if Shin started choking himself more then the Drifter would stop and he didn't think he could cope with that now.

Not that the hand was doing much now, of course. But it was there, a promise. When he swallowed, he could feel his throat move against the palm. It'd be so easy to snap him, he realised with a thrill of arousal. Just one quick movement and... He shook, barely able to keep himself from moving, eyes blown wide.

* * *

Damn, wasn't this just such a sight. He didn't think he could ever get tired of this, seeing Shin reduced to a desperate mess because of what he had done to him. "You're so beautiful." Drifter murmured, leaning over the smaller man and pushing on his neck suddenly, violently, until his back hit the desk and Drifter had him lying down on it fully.

It gave him a better angle to touch him, faster now, and something to support the back of his head as the rogue Lightbearer choked him in earnest now.

* * *

A part of Shin warmed at the praise, the confirmation that he was good, he was doing well. The rest of him was infinitely more concerned with the crushing grip around his neck, forcing him back and then bearing down fast enough that he thought for one beautiful moment that his neck would snap and that the other man might keep going. Instead, he found himself being pressed back into the table, chest already heaving as his body tried to inhale through the shock and found little air to sustain it.

He shuddered, hands barely even under his control any more as they simply twitched and grasped at nothing by his sides. The Drifter, who had looked almost reverent a moment ago now seemed anything but, one hand still pulling Shin closer and closer towards completion and the other doing its best to snuff him out before he could reach it.

* * *

The reaction from the other man was beyond perfect, and it made Drifter groan as he leaned over to kiss Shin fiercely, stealing whatever air he had left, letting the weight of his body crush the hunter against the table.

Little grunts accompanied his efforts to keep the pressure high and steady, as he rolled his hips against Shin's, adding another point of friction on top of his hand. Shin had to be close, he knew. He only had to work a little harder and finally get him there.

* * *

Every cell in Shin's body was screaming for air, body shaking and spasming as it tried to override his will and resist the crushing pressure. His chest wouldn't even expand any more, ribs held down, and Shin's lungs were desperate for just one breath. The rest of him was thoroughly on board, reacting helplessly to the onslaught of stimulation. Arousal built and built, only heightening with each press of hips against his and each stroke of the Drifter's hand. He couldn't process any more, all he knew was that he needed desperately to be pushed over that brink.

Shin himself was losing what ability he had to think or care beyond that fast-approaching peak, his vision beginning to grey at the edges. The movements he was making were using up the last of his body's air rapidly, and the hand squeezing the life from him was keeping the blood from his brain.

* * *

At this rate, the hunter under him was going to pass out before he could find any release, which wasn't the plan at all. Maybe he had gotten a bit carried away, Hunger coiled in his bones and silently pulling him a little more towards the extremes every time. Oh well. Whatever the reason was, he could work with it.

Drifter held off on the pressure just enough to let Shin take one single deep breath, trying to let the euphoria that it should provoke in his oxygen starved brain push him over the edge, whispering encouragement and praise right in his ear, and _God, aren't you just the prettiest like this, flushed and gasping and eager, God, Shin, let me see ya come now, for me._

* * *

The momentary release of pressure was heaven to his strained body, though for a brief moment Shin couldn't restrain a low noise of loss. Then it was back, even sweeter for the absence, and those honeyed words were filtering through his fogged head right to his spine. Every nerve in his body set alight, unbearable and singing with energy.

With limbs barely functioning, throat working helplessly as it was crushed and bruised beyond repair, Shin spasmed weakly and finally came over the Drifter's hand and shirt, sagging back against the table.

* * *

That was it. The rogue Lightbearer held his own breath for a moment, slowing down his hand to a crawl, but not stopping it completely, then kissing Shin deeply, sweetly. "So good. Such a good boy." And as he whispered this against the hunter's mouth he let all of his weight fall on him again, he stopped tempering the strength of his hand and choked mercilessly, feeling something get crushed under his grasp. Feeling stronger than ever before, the earlier deaths already increasing the hunger, but so the power, and that made it so easy to keep going until there was no life left in those pretty dark eyes.

* * *

When Shin awoke it was to the taste of blood in his throat and the memory of something dark and sweet in the other man's eyes. He inhaled softly, one breath after another, body no longer raw and aching but still somehow sensitive. Bringing one hand up, he felt gingerly at his throat. Whole, clean skin. For a moment of utter indulgence, he considered having it ruined all over again.

But, well. The fire driving that particular desire was banked now, never extinguished but to feed it further seemed... Extravagant. He looked up at the Drifter, eyes bright.

"Good?" He asked.

* * *

It was a bit strange, having Shin back like this now, with the hunter having his death to change gears for him, but the Lightbearer feeling unmoored for a moment, adrift, closing and opening his hands to force the muscles to relax.

Every time, the hunger was just a little more difficult to quiet down. A little more difficult to satiate completely. It just screamed at him, _do it again_, but Drifter just sighed and forced himself to ignore it, focusing on the face of the man in front of him instead. It made him smile a little.

"Yeah, more than good." He said, nodding. Trying to get his slightly unsteady breathing under control, to realign himself.

* * *

It was odd, really. He’d definitely been in control when he’d been choking Shin out, of course he had. But he seemed almost to have more presence now. Like he had become heavier on that rubber sheet of space and time and everything warped ever so slightly, infinitesimally more towards him. Like he’d become bigger while staying the same size... Shin shook his head slightly, dispelling the thoughts. He might be more affected by what had happened than he’d seemed on first assessment, to say the least.

Levering himself up a little, he leaned in for a kiss. Slower than before, but certainly not gentle. He shivered, remembering the feel of bone and cartilage crushing beneath the Drifter’s hands, distantly feeling blood well up and knowing that there was nothing anybody could do to save him now. The kiss was intent but brief, and Shin slid off the table and onto his knees once he’d broken it fully.

* * *

Shin kissed him and that felt good, grounding, more like himself. But it was too brief, and Drifter breathed out a low moan as he tried to chase it, feeling ridiculous as he realised it, quieting himself, then watching Shin go to his knees with a small frown, taking a second too long to comprehend the implication.

"Shin." He said, voice just a little bit shaky. "Ya don't gotta do that."

Distantly, he felt his cock twitch, and warmth pooling in his stomach, but desire and hunger felt too much like one and the same, and he had pushed them both deep right now, where they could barely reach him.

* * *

That... didn’t quite make sense to him. He knew that the Drifter had enjoyed killing him, had been worked up beyond words, face wild and eyes dark. He’d wanted, and unless he’d been very fast indeed he hadn’t gotten relief yet. And Shin was very clearly willing, so why the reticence? He felt foolish for a moment, on the floor with the Drifter looking at him like that, but he was being good. He reminded himself of that. He’d been_ good._

“Can’t I want to?” He asked, head tilting ever so slightly to the side. He wanted to make the Drifter need, to make him feel even a fraction of what he did to Shin whenever they played like this.

* * *

Oh, _fuck_. Shin Malphur was going to get him into so much trouble. Not that the concept itself was new, but he felt it more immediate and true than ever before. He couldn't give in. Vaguely, he thought he had something to prove, if to himself or to the thing inside him was a more complicated matter.

But if controlling the desire was controlling the hunger, maybe he could still make it work. Maybe his plan wouldn't be broken into a million pieces because Shin fuckin ' Malphur had a massive death kink and Drifter found it way too hot for his own good.

"Do ya really want to?" Drifter fired back, too harsh, stupidly, before the words went through any rational filter.

* * *

Shin flinched ever so slightly at that, face going carefully blank to mask the potent mix of emotions flashing to the surface. Shock, anger, shame. He let himself process them all as quickly as he could.

“You know,” he said conversationally, voice deceptively light. “There’s a lot less insulting ways to say ‘no thanks Shin, I don’t want a blowjob right now’ than implying I don’t know my own head. Particularly _right after_ you’ve happily done worse with my permission.” Funny, that. How he’d known what he wanted all the way through when the other man was hurting him and killing him. But now when he was clearheaded and coherent, he was either lying or stupid. Slowly he stood again, face only a few inches away from the Drifter’s own.

* * *

Yeah, he had fucked up there. No way around it, he was dealing with the whole thing just horribly. Couldn't be worse if he was trying for it. He sighed, the feeling of something too heavy weighting down his shoulders, and ran a hand down his face.

"I'm sorry." He said, finally, when he felt he could open his mouth again without instantly saying some more dumb shit. "That ain't fair and ya don't deserve it. Not your fault at all, Shin." It wasn't much of an explanation, but Drifter hoped the hunter would at least take the apology.

* * *

Mulling that over took a few long moments. It didn’t exactly soothe injured pride entirely, and it was hard not to feel rejected when he didn’t even know why he was being turned down. But an apology was, at the very least, a step in the right direction. Drifter had been known to stick his foot in his mouth before, wasn’t impossible it’d happened again.

And, well. If the man didn’t want a blowjob he didn’t want one, and Shin sure as hell wasn’t about to pressure him into one.

Pausing, a horrible thought occurred to him. “You did want to do... that. Before. Yes?” He’d looked like he did, acted very much into it. But he was a good enough liar to be worrying and Shin wasn’t sure what he’d do if the answer was ‘no’.

* * *

A slight frown, as Drifter tried to process that idea. Rationally, given his reaction just now, he could see why the other man might come to that conclusion. But it felt absurd, that he'd do something like that without being into it, or that the hunter hadn't seen how very into it he was, almost too much, written on every line of his face.

"Shin. God, yeah." Without thinking, one hand came to rest at his cheek, the other one smoothed the dark hair back. "I wanted it so much. I'm sorry." Might be the most he had ever apologised to the man, and probably deserved.

* * *

Sagging slightly in relief, Shin closed his eyes for a moment. That was. Good, it was good. He'd thought, he'd been so sure that he was doing everything right but this had thrown him just a little. Just enough to shake that foundation.

"Don't be sorry," he replied, eyes flicking open again. "I definitely wanted it." Wanted it still, really, on some more abstracted level. Or, well, to show the Drifter how it felt perhaps. But that was a far more dangerous thing for him, even when his ghost was far away.

The Drifter had managed three times to bring him back, kept him and his ghost safe, but... Well, Shin wasn't always that clearheaded these days. And chances were the other man wouldn't be nearly as ready to die as he was, so really the whole thing was pointless speculation. He'd taste good, though. Shin could tell that much.

* * *

He just kissed Shin then, slow, an _are we ok?_ kinda kiss. It was still dangerous, the soft contact threatening to bring it all right back up again, Drifter making a low noise in his throat.

It would be best if he could just walk away. Ask Shin to leave the Derelict and take some time to cool down, eat some fucking ice probably, straight from the wall, just anything to beat that damn hunger into submission a while longer. He had indulged it far too much.

But. Well. Obviously Shin wouldn't take kindly to being basically kicked out, and... That was probably the last thing Drifter wanted right now, which was selfish and stupid, but what he wanted was Shin right there and in his arms, any way he could have him.

* * *

This, he knew how to do. Trying to hold back, respecting the boundaries that the Drifter was setting up, that was hard. But he was learning a whole new line in restraint these days, it seemed. He didn't deepen the kiss, reciprocating at the same pace and intensity that the Drifter was offering. He let his lips open, an invitation and nothing more. The other Lightbearer was going to have to make a move this time if he wanted something to happen, Shin had already tried once.

He couldn't help but lean into the contact a little though. He might have been reset to some extent, but even the memory of that excitement left him craving touch. Something to ground him.

* * *

The hand already in the hunter's hair ran through it to cup the back of his head, hold it as Drifter took the cue of parting lips to deepen the kiss. His other hand brushed a thumb over his cheekbone, before going down so he could grab at his waist, wrap the arm around it, pull Shin flush against his own body.

Oh, hell. Drifter could already feel himself slipping. The hunger roared inside him once more and made his movements grow harsher, more urgent.

He thought he could keep himself in a precarious balance, have everything under control, but the thing inside him, the Deep part of him, who wasn't really a separate thing at all, was growing exponentially and faster than he could ever imagine.

* * *

On and off like a light switch, Shin noted dryly. Just blowing hot and cold all over the place. Well, mostly cold. Man needed a hot bath sometime. He shed those thoughts quickly enough though, deciding to just lean into what was happening and enjoy it. His head tilted to the side, granting better access to his mouth and twisting the hand in his hair ever so slightly. Gently, almost. He didn’t want to shatter whatever this was, not yet, and being pushy clearly hadn’t worked.

He was rewarded with a little roughness, pushed and pulled into a better position with a little more friction between them as his body was pressed up against the Drifter’s bulk. He moaned softly into the kiss, shifting just a little for the way it felt to move with the other man. It wasn’t even arousal mostly, just sheer pleasure at being held and touched like this. It felt really _good_, and he made sure to pour that into the kiss.

* * *

Now that he had stopped actively pushing it down, he could feel all of it again, could feel the power that extended beyond the confines of his body, especially here, in this ship. As he kissed the hunter hungrily the metal of the Derelict groaned, ice rapidly forming under their feet. It began spreading all around them in sharp jagged edges, a radius with the rogue Lightbearer himself as the centre.

Drifter didn't notice. He didn't notice he had stopped feeling the cold at all, either. Just that he was hungry for the warmth of Shin's body, delighting in it, eating at it with his kiss and his touch.

* * *

The next breath Shin took was a shock to the system, nearly punching the air out of him as his lungs struggled with the sudden temperature differential. His eyes shot open again, skin aching ever so slightly as the warmth seemed to leave it. The gently smouldering thing behind his breast flared, as if stung by the sudden chill, burning in a way that gave no heat at all.

Pressing himself closer to the Drifter, Shin could feel frost beneath his feet, the ship so very cold, and this was... Well, it was new. It was very new. Reaching for the heat he carried with him, he let it blossom along his skin and through the core of him. Even as it spread through him, though, it seemed to dim. As if it were being snuffed out, the cold growing to crush it back. He tried harder, the ache in his bones urging him to pull at the light and beat back the icy chill.

* * *

Drifter growled into the other man's mouth, a rumbling noise coming from the core of him, the arm around his waist becoming a vice like grip keeping the hunter trapped close. The rogue Lightbearer could feel the heat and Light pouring out of him, pulling him in further, and it was almost cute, the way Shin seemed to think he could use his little fire to beat back the cold, which wasn't cold at all but the hunger of the Deep getting stronger with each wave of heat that tried to attack it.

It would be so easy, to let it keep going and let the darkness feed, take all that power unto himself, feel how effortlessly it could snuff Shin's light, over and over again, until there was nothing left.

* * *

Every wave of heat that he pushed out, every new well of searing light was being dragged away from him, the thing in his chest practically screaming in rage as it flared higher and higher. Shin wasn't paying quite so much attention to the press of skin against his right now, though he still neither wanted nor attempted to break away.

At the back of his mind, though, was the growing realisation that while he might burn strongly he had to run out sooner or later. Already it was a struggle to keep himself from being overwhelmed by the endless biting cold, even despite the fire licking over his very skin. The Drifter barely seemed to notice, engrossed with the press of lips and form together. Shin couldn't help a desperate noise from passing his lips, only able to cling tight and throw everything he had outwards lest the dark and cold consume him utterly.

* * *

That desperate noise pushed him just a little bit further, and it was like falling, like there wasn't anything he could hold onto to keep him from hurling down into the dark, and Drifter bit down on Shin's lip, tasting blood, making broken animal sounds low in his throat.

The heat felt _so good_, and the rogue Lightbearer kept taking and taking and taking until there wasn't anymore, and he could feel the hunter grow weaker in his arms and then collapse completely.

The Deep praised him, shouted in triumph, and urged him to go just that little bit further, extend his reach and take the light from the little ghost too, devour what was rightfully his, by right of the taking by force.

This was the thing that finally snapped Drifter back into his own head, panicking. Assaulted by the memory of being on that cold, lifeless planet, the crew he had taken with him slowly going mad or dying as the days went on, dying so much during the night, until they were so far inside the desolation that was the heart of the heart of the place, the path to the Deep, that the cold was intense enough to snuff out light forever, and people, Lightbearers, started going to sleep at night and never waking up again, gone just like that.

Somehow, he was on the floor, and had started hyperventilating, and Shin was dead in the ground nearby, pale cheek against a sheet of ice, eyes dark and empty, dead, yes, but not gone completely yet, and Drifter bit his own tongue hard enough to make it bleed, grabbed at a sharpness of ice sticking up from the wall, felt it cut into his skin. Turning the tide of the hunger and the dark back onto himself.

* * *

The cold was all-consuming, endless. He could barely move, barely feel any part of his body, lips numb even as the Drifter tore into them, blood cooling instantly as it hit the air. His fingers wouldn't move, and he'd stopped even being able to push light out any more, too focused on keeping it bubbling in the middle of his chest where the thing was tearing at his ribs in impotent fury. It didn't stop the cold's advance though, tendrils curling through him to tug at the last scraps of light keeping him going.

He was going to be eaten alive, he realised, thoughts numbed enough that he could barely muster an opinion on the matter. He wanted his ghost. He wanted that calm voice in the base of his skull, something that would stay even as everything else began to fade. His legs stopped being able to support him, and he crumpled, lungs barely able to suck in air and limbs freezing solid.

For an endless moment the Traveller's light was gone and the dark stretched out before him, fathomless and hungry. He was empty, the core of him hollowed out, and it still ate at him until finally there was nothing more and he ceased to be.

Shin's ghost flickered in and out of existence, doing its best to stay free of the darkness currently shuddering in the floor next to its charge while still watching. Bearing witness. Little it could do besides, after all. Not with that... _t__hing _wearing their ally's skin so close. It would wait, see if the man beneath could resurface without devouring them.

* * *

It was, Drifter realised, like being a snake biting its own tail. Unsustainable. The darkness wouldn't hesitate before consuming him, if he proved unable or unwilling to consume others.

But not this time. Not this time, he insisted, increasing his grip on the ice and slicing himself open with it. He would feed, soon, he'd find someone, someone else to empty and eat at the marrow of their bones, but not here, not him.

Distantly, he was aware of the flicker of the hunter's ghost, and he swallowed the mixture of blood and drool pooling in his mouth, coughing some out, gasping and shuddering as he tried to steady his own breathing enough to be able to speak.

"Shin. Oh, god, Shin, please." Drifter's voice was broken, rough, and it was only after hearing it himself that he realised at some point he must have started crying.

* * *

Shin awoke to the sting of judgement rarely given from his ghost, and all the more devastating for it. A little of the respect had burned away, at least for now. It almost didn't matter though, because everything in his life was secondary to the screaming fury wrapped through him. There was a shape on the floor next to him, and it was bleeding and Shin _wanted it dead._

There was no light left in him, nothing to temper the all-consuming force possessing his limbs, but it almost seemed not to matter as it forced his body to throw itself at the source of light, heedless of the strength of the darkness coursing through and round it. A distant, empty part of Shin was well aware that this was a fight he would lose, lightless and pathetic and weak as he was but either he would die screaming or he would eat and either was more acceptable than sitting still in this agony.

His teeth met flesh, he didn't know where, and just ripped at the skin. Something came away, soft and wet, and there were noises and movements happening but not on any level Shin could process. He swallowed, taking it inside himself and felt just the slightest spark. It was immediately consumed, and the darkness screamed out for more.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer screamed as he felt teeth sinking into him, but let it happen, because it was good, the pain was good and the way being ripped apart stole some of the intensity out of the darkness was good, and Shin was back, and that was best of all.

The fact that he was back and tearing into Drifter with his teeth instead of putting a bullet between his eyes was, well, unexpected, but not unwelcomed. He could leave the understanding for later. Shin was obviously going to have a few questions of his own. But right now none of that felt real, nothing did, nothing but the pain and the feeling of his own blood spilling and flowing and bringing just a little bit of warmth back inside him, somehow.

* * *

The body beneath him twitched and moved beautifully, flesh soft and fragile and whatever animal part of Shin was currently driving wanted to sink its teeth in deep and rip the heart from its chest. Tear into it as light faded from its eyes, take its strength for his own.

The more pragmatic part of him, far from unaffected by the bloodlust, nonetheless directed him to keep doing what he was doing because there was hot blood flooding his mouth and staining his face and it all carried that same strain of muddied light. He ripped back into the meat, sobbing in relief as the pain faded just a little. Again. Again.

The fragment of Shin watching over his own shoulder could hardly bear to look. The Drifter wasn't resisting, face wet and blood leaking from multiple wounds. Shin must look like a nightmare, eyes empty and face dripping blood as he pinned the other man down. But the pain was still overwhelming, only slightly sated and he wasn't really in the driver's seat any more.

* * *

Drifter felt weak with blood loss and fucking glad for it, even as the Deep part of him raged at the weakness, all the more heinous in its eyes because of his willingness to succumb to it, the lack of fight and conflict. But that was the whole point of it, really. Losing in such a physical, visceral way was beating back some of the Darkness, bringing some balance, and even though Drifter knew he'd have to pay his dues to it later, right now it was the only thing keeping him from losing himself.

His breathing felt ragged, wet, and when he managed to open his eyes again, his vision was blurred and hazy, but he could see Shin's face, dark and burning into him all at once and covered in Drifter's blood, feral like he never thought he'd see the man, movements wild and savage going back to attack his flesh again. Looking at the hunter like this, almost delirious with pain, Drifter felt something for him that very well could be a fierce love, or an unmeasurable terror, or both of them at once.

* * *

It took a while longer, filling himself with strips of flesh and drinking deep of the rich blood the Drifter yielded up to his teeth, before he managed to restrain himself a little. He couldn't quite bring himself to let go of the form beneath him, barely even moving any more, but the last piece of flesh had quieted the voice in his head that had been screaming and screaming. Shin straightened a little, grip relaxing from cruel to merely tight, one hand coming up to wipe a little of the blood from his face. He was breathing heavily, mind whirling at a thousand miles an hour.

He jerked back away from the warm body as though burned, body very much failing him once that driving force had left. The Drifter looked half-dead, chunks of meat torn from him, scarlet drenching his skin. Shin had done this. Drifter had done... Something else. He retched, but his body refused to give up its bloody fuel. He could taste him on his tongue, stuck between his _teeth,_ and he could barely even process what had happened.

* * *

There was a chuckle, a gasping sound, that was more like Drifter trying not to choke on his own blood. He spat some of it to the side, let his back fall hard against the wall to keep himself sat somewhat upright, and smiled a bloody grin to the hunter, eyes struggling to stay open at all.

He didn't understand, didn't know what had happened, or why Shin had stopped, but Drifter missed the closeness, the waves of new pain, and felt a drive to reassure the other man, that it was ok and good that he had left him a broken mess of gore on the floor, and he didn't need to step away, and he didn't need to stop.

* * *

The sound that emerged from the Drifter's mouth was horrific, uncannily similar to Shin's memories of that mass of twisted metal through his chest and the way his body had torn itself apart. He stared up at the Drifter, uncomprehending, desperate to understand what had happened. What he'd done.

He moved closer, hesitant, waiting for the other man to protest or shrink away. Wondering if he'd even be able to at this point. Spiralling through his own thoughts, he surveyed the damage. Strips of meat had been torn away from the arms, face, belly; his shirt had been torn aside and soaked in blood. He tried putting pressure on one of the wounds, hopeless, but they were all surface area and weeping blood between his fingers. He had no way to rectify this.

He realised belatedly that he'd been muttering garbled apologies as he clumsily tried to fix what he'd done, hands shaking and gaze barely focused.

* * *

Drifter let out a wheezing breath, and it sent a sharp pain through his side. He felt the hunter's touch and leaned into it, whining at how light and hesitant it was, barely there beyond brief bright sparks when it pressed over the raw exposed flesh.

He couldn't make out all the words of whatever Shin was saying, his brain was refusing to spend the energy in processing much of it, but it sounded like an apology, if the few words he could catch and the tone were anything to go by. It made him feel nauseous, confused.

Speaking at all, even in a broken whisper, was an incredibly difficult effort. "Shin, it- it's good, you're good, you're ok." The Lightbearer tried to search for his eyes, hoping the hunter could see reflected there what he didn't have the capacity to speak aloud right now.

* * *

Wishing desperately that his body would feel as distant as it once had, that he wasn't grounded in this sack of pain and bloated with stolen flesh, Shin closed his eyes. He was crying, maybe. Shaking, at the very least.

The Drifter's words were nonsense, incomprehensible; a product of delirium perhaps. The feel of his meat and fat sliding down Shin's throat kept playing over and over, throat working around an obstruction that simply wasn't there. He wasn't good, he hadn't been good. He'd lost control like he'd always been terrified he would and he'd just eaten someone who'd been indulging him and- he was hyperventilating, maybe, muscles tensing and bracing against the Drifter, trying to keep him upright without his conscious input. He couldn't think, couldn't move, and maybe it was finally fucking time to do what they'd faked with Callum before he ate the man's ghost as well.

* * *

That was wrong, all wrong. Was Shin crying? Drifter knew he himself had been crying, but that was ok, it was supposed to be good now. Shifting a little and groaning loud with the effort and the pain of it, the Lightbearer threw an arm around Shin's shoulders, pulled him in against his chest.

He couldn't understand why Shin was upset, so he didn't know how to make it better. Maybe the way Drifter had killed him had just left him so cold and hungry, and Drifter's body was a warm, alive thing. God. He had killed him and Shin was still apologising to him. A sad moan escaped from his lips. Drifter had taken too much from him and Shin got brought back hungry. He knew what that was like.

He lifted his free arm a little, shaking, blood still pulsing out of a gash on the forearm in small waves. Presenting it to the other man like a sacred offering left at the altar of a Death God.

* * *

Shin choked, face pressed into the mess of pulped and torn flesh on the Drifter's torso. It reeked of iron and raw meat, overriding everything else. He shuddered, silent sobs wracking his frame as he let the Drifter trap him in this twisted parody of an embrace.

He didn't know how to fix this, he didn't know what he was meant to do and nothing that was happening made sense. He lifted his arms slowly, wrapping them loosely around the Drifter's back and trying not to breathe in the smell-taste. His back was whole, tacky with blood but unbroken and if he spread his hands over it maybe he could pretend that there wasn't still broken flesh against his teeth. Finally he twisted his head to one side, unable to bear the proximity any longer, and came face to face with more ruined flesh. He could only manage an inarticulate, broken noise of grief, flinching backwards and scrabbling at his hip for the last word. He couldn't, he couldn't do this.

* * *

That didn't work either, and Drifter didn't have any more ideas. He could barely think at all, at this point. It was hard not to close his eyes and just... Rest. But that would not help Shin. He had to fix it first, find a way to make it better.

Shin had flinched back from him, couldn't look at him. In disgust, maybe, if he wasn't hungry anymore. That was ok, that would make sense. Drifter knew he must be quite the sorry sight, at this point. He managed to see the hunter grab at his gun, that handcannon that had haunted his nightmares for years, and he fell into another fit of horrible, broken laughter. Of course. _Of course_.

Weak as he was, Drifter had to use both hands to guide Shin, help him raise the Last Word up to the Lightbearer's forehead, eyes soft and hazy, but unmistakably sure.

* * *

Shin looked the Drifter in the eyes for a long moment, searching for anything that would make sense of this. He couldn't, he knew. He couldn't kill him. It would be a mercy, perhaps, but adding it to the list of atrocities in his name today was more than he could stomach. He carefully pulled the other man's hands off the gun, pressed a kiss to his fingertips. He'd seen that hunger in the Drifter's eyes, the way he looked at Shin's ghost when the darkness in him loomed. Maybe he'd fix this for him, use the light in the two of them for... Something. Looking after those kids he liked so much.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed; barely a noise, barely more than a sob.

Carefully, he moved away, out of reach. Turned the gun to the right position. Not the head, not this time, he deserved to feel it at least. Needed those few seconds to know that this was his fault, know that he was fixing it in whatever way he could. Barrel over his heart, he inhaled and pulled the trigger.

* * *

Drifter felt suddenly angry, frustrated beyond what he had thought humanly possible. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He had done everything Shin had asked of him, had tried to give him what he wanted, and yes, Drifter had fucked up, badly, at the end, but was that enough to justify abandoning him so cruelly now_? _

_'He's gone soft on you now'_, the Deep whispered to him, filling his mouth with a bitter and poisonous taste, as Shin kissed his fingertips. Pitying him, probably, which in Drifter's experience only hid more disgust. He was too much, finally, too dark and too intense and too far gone for Shin fuckin' Malphur, of course, the hunter couldn't even stand being close to him anymore, and apparently neither could he show Drifter the fucking decency of killing him.

The rogue Lightbearer's sight was much too blurry with tears and the weakness of blood loss to understand exactly what Shin was doing until he saw the outline of the gun against his chest, until he heard the gunshot go off, and then there was nothing he could do.

* * *

Shin hurt, god he hurt bad. His ghost looked him over, far out of reach, before moving out of view entirely. He was on his own for this. Once more, there was blood rising up in his throat and he crumpled backwards. Clawing his way onto his side from his back, he spat blood out onto the icy floor. It made no difference, lung punctured and collapsing. He didn't look at the Drifter, couldn't handle it at the moment. His mouth finally felt clean, filled with his own blood rather than meat and guilt. He tried to make some kind of words, to keep apologising, make some penance but all he managed was a pathetic gurgle.

* * *

If Drifter could move much at all, he would have put a bullet in Shin's head right now. He wasn't sure what part of it was just his own regular self and what part was the Deep but he was furious, and he didn't care.

Goddamn hero, sure, more like a martyr, thinking he was so above the rest of them, punishing himself for something he didn't even need to feel bad about, just because of some weird ideas of purity and guilt. Drifter was bleeding out on the fucking floor of his own damn ship, and Shin was still only focused on his own bullshit issues.

Coulda just told Drifter he hated him straight up. He could take it.

The Lightbearer blinked rapidly, trying in vain to clear his vision. All he could make out was the shape of the man on the floor, the noises he was making. Hearing that made a part of him want to say something reassuring, but he squashed it mercilessly.

"Good fuckin' job, Malphur." He managed to spit out instead, through incredible effort.

* * *

All that he could manage was a keening sob, body shaking and trying desperately to purge itself of what it had done. Shin almost regretted the placement of the gunshot, wished that it had been through his mouth and out into nothingness just so that he wouldn't have to hear the Drifter's words. He deserved this though, he did.

Head growing light from the lack of blood and oxygen, Shin managed to turn his head to look at the Drifter. There it was. The hatred he'd known would come, enough to end him permanently. He looked away again, gun still loosely gripped in his hand. He'd seen what he needed to see, and he was weak. The next bullet was to the head, and there was nothing.

* * *

He was so close to screaming in rage when he heard the next gunshot. He probably would have, if there had been enough air left inside of him for it. Couldn't even spare a single bullet for Drifter, though, of course.

As it was, he could barely manage a rasping whisper, addressing Shin's Ghost. "Get him the _fuck_ out of my ship."

He couldn't stand seeing Shin risen again, clean and perfect, and didn't want to hear whatever the hell he'd have to say. Right now, he just wanted to be alone to bleed out in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I’m not really sure why I do it, but in this version you are not _  
_feeding yourself to a bad man _  
_against a black sky prickled with small lights."_  
\- Richard Siken


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, we cannot emphasise enough how serious we are about reading the tags for this one.   
Relevant to this chapter in particular are the 'suicide attempt, spinal trauma, paralysis, cannibalism, hard vore, mutilation, eye trauma, and vivisection' tags. If any of those is a problem for you, please skip to the end notes and past it.

Shin had awoken and with one fluid movement put another bullet in his skull.

He'd woken once more, taken a moment to think about things and nearly thrown up before the next bullet hit.

The third time, his gun wasn't by his side and he'd had to use a knife.

The seventh time, he was on his knees and begging for the ghost to just let him fucking be. He'd let Jared stay dead, hadn't he? Left him cold and alone for fucking_ Shin_ of all people so why wouldn't it just let this go and find someone - anyone - who wanted this?

The eighth time, hours had passed and the ghost was inches from his face as it let him know that unless he stopped fucking doing this it was going to find one of the vanguard and make them keep him alive for ever if that was what it took for him to stop being a _child._

The ninth time, he wasn't in vanguard custody. Thankfully. He was on a fucking mountainside with no weapons or armour though, and eventually he simply started walking.

* * *

These hadn't been a good few days for the Drifter, not at all.

He hadn't gone down to the Tower once. He'd avoided several meetings, knowing they were expecting to talk to him, just because Shin might be there. He knew the Tower leadership would want to talk to him, though, because he had stopped running Gambit. Drifter had tried to use it to distract himself from what was going on in his head, as usual, but all the fucking guardians wanted to talk about was vanguard Shin Malphur, especially the hunters, excited to comment on the stunt the two of them had pulled in their little clubhouse.

He couldn't stand it, so he had closed up shop, and set up camp in one of his Gambit arenas himself. Tithe didn't stop being required just because he didn't want to deal with guardians at the moment, and he had fucked with the worm hunger way too much lately, so for a while, it just turned into a one man show instead.

Hive were the best to use for this. So he fought them for hours, stacking motes of dark but never summoning any primeval. Just an endless grind he barely stopped for a few hours a day to eat a shitty, cold MRE and catch some sleep.

* * *

Shin hadn't eaten, hadn't slept. He'd just picked a direction and kept moving, mind and body empty. Eventually he'd come to a sharp drop off, and he'd stared at it for a long moment.

A few seconds later at the base of the cliff, the ghost broadcasting disappointment, he'd looked up for the first time and seen the snow starting to fall. It was bright, the sun on it enough to make his eyes scream, and he stood there watching it until his body was numb with cold. It almost felt right.

An indeterminate amount of time later, Shin came across the ruins of a village. It was snowed under, barely anything more than rotten planking and stone now. A couple of walls still stood, a shelter from the snow and wind that cut harshly through the forest. In the closest one's shadow he found a rusted blade. Fallen, most likely. Enough for the job.

He looked at his ghost, eyes dead. He couldn't summon up any emotion about this, couldn't care any more. He felt hollow, as though the gnawing in his chest had scooped out everything else. It wasn't going to let him die, he knew. And Shin... Well. Shin couldn't have killed it if he wanted to.

He looked down at the knife. Eventually, he simply carved a mark down his arm and kept walking. His ghost healed it, but he knew it was there. A counter, really. How many times he could fail at his only task.

* * *

It was good, having his own little loop. Every hour the same as the last. He didn't have to think about Shin, or what had happened between them, or how it had felt to bleed out on the cold floor of the Derelict, alone, because he had to think about where the next attack was going to come from, when to hide, when to press forward. And if he fought dirtier and was a little more brutal than he'd usually be, took a few more risks, well, there was no one around to see it at all.

Drifter was pretty sure he had managed to completely wipe out the last wave of the hive, and he was preparing to sit down in his little improvised campsite and rest for a few minutes, before he got the next one started.

* * *

His ghost must be doing something to keep his body functioning, he determined at some point. Ice was crusted to his clothes, sticking through them to freezing flesh. Despite that, he kept moving. One foot in front of the other, repetitive and mechanical. After a certain amount of time, his ghost had given him back the Last Word and even let him keep it after the he'd only killed himself once more with it. It was mostly dead weight now, sure. But not having it felt wrong, and the last thing he wanted was to feel anything right now.

A light bloomed in the distance and his ghost took off towards it. Not far away, but far enough that Shin had to make a choice. Follow it, or strike off without it. The easiest choice was the passive compliance, so he moved towards the fire.

His gun was already up by the moment he'd finished sounding other man’s name out in his head. Time for the other man to end this.

* * *

Drifter was sitting down on the floor, adding a little more wood to the fire, when goddamn Shin Malphur walked into view, his gun already up and aimed at him. How could he have missed him approaching? It was the lack of sleep, he decided. Just dulled his senses a bit.

He was staring at the other man. Obviously, the weapon had captured his attention immediately, but looking past it... Well, Shin sure didn't look his best. The rogue Lightbearer sighed deeply, sagging a little, feeling an enormous weight on his shoulders. What the hell had the man been up to?

"You look like shit." He said, calling back to the way Shin had greeted him once, weeks ago now. Felt like decades back.

Drifter knew he had a decision to make here, how he handled this now might decide how this entire encounter went. Maybe he should be reaching for his own gun, but... No. Call it a ridiculous hunch, a dangerous gamble, but he didn't think Shin was going to shoot him right now. After all, he hadn't before, when it counted. "Put that thing back in ya damn holster, and sit down. Seems like y'could do with some defrostin'."

* * *

Those words took a moment to process. For one moment, he'd felt everything click into place and known that now... Now was the time, it would finally be over and he could rest easy.

Only he kept living, kept breathing, and for the first time he felt that mechanism which had kept him moving and unthinking falter ever so slightly. The Drifter wasn't going to kill him. He should, he knew he should. Shin wasn't trustworthy any more, and he knew how the other man valued that. He'd been out of control, rabid, and even now that starving part of him wanted to leap right at him and tear the light from his body.

He holstered the gun, following the instructions to the letter. He didn't know what else to do, not at the moment. He couldn't feel the heat of the fire, but it had to be doing something he supposed.

* * *

Drifter still felt angry, but it was mainly at himself right now. Mostly, he was just tired. He was angry because he was too tired to be properly furious at Shin anymore, and angry because looking at the hunter now, he was actually worried for him. He wanted to get closer and make sure he was actually alright.

_He fucking hates you,_ Drifter reminded himself. That doesn't stop being true just because he hasn't shot you right now.

God. He kinda had hoped Shin had shot him just now. It'd be easier to navigate than this.

"Did ya know I was here?" The Lightbearer asked, finally, after a long silence.

* * *

Snow falling near the fire spiralled around it, heat melting it and changing its trajectory just enough to send it fluttering away back into the cold. It made for a pretty sight, he supposed. On his hands, a sheen of water from melted frost was beginning to warm slightly. He stretched them, tendons protesting dully. The pain was barely noticeable despite the pull he could feel.

He'd been asked a question. He should answer, shouldn't he.

"No," he said honestly, voice flat and slow. Hadn't known anyone was here, hadn't wanted anyone. He'd been hoping that just walking off into the wilderness might somehow end him like it had so many before.

* * *

He shook his head, found himself chuckling a little. "Hell of a coincidence, then."

Drifter really didn't think Shin was lying about that, not right now, looking like he was barely there at all, mentally. He had about a million questions, but he doubted he'd get any proper answers right now, or that he could handle them if he did get them. Maybe acting so casually was just denial, but the alternative was hard to even think about.

But well, if that was what they were doing, might as hell keep to what he had been planning to do before the hunter showed up. Drifter searched around inside a fairly big brown canvas bag next to him, coming up with a MRE pouch. For a moment, he hesitated, then threw it at Shin before getting another one for himself. "Eat." Was all he said.

* * *

One hand attempted a catch, something he would never have missed were his limbs not moving through treacle and barely feeling at all. It was almost comical how far behind the projectile his movements were, and it bounced off his shoulder and dropped to the floor. He looked at it, half willing to just leave it there, but his body moved mechanically to do as it was told.

Ripping the packet open, he didn't bother looking at what was inside before beginning to eat it. It wouldn't have mattered, he couldn't taste it. He managed half of it, eating slowly, before his stomach rebelled and he had to hunch in on himself to keep from throwing up. He swallowed down the acid that was burning his throat, doing his best to keep the thoughts of what had happened the last time he'd eaten behind the blankness. He'd been given food. Pointless, but it would be even more of a waste if he couldn't even keep it down over the memory of fresh meat sliding hot and wet down his gullet.

* * *

The Man with the Golden Gun didn't miss. It didn't matter if it was a gunshot, or catching something that had been thrown at him. For a few long moments, Drifter just stared at him, trying to comprehend it. It was like only this had somehow managed to really break through and make him see how serious the state of the other man was. And then the hunter was folding into himself, seemingly trying not to throw up, and Drifter was up and walking towards him in two fast strides of his legs, before he felt he even had time to think and make a real decision about it.

"Hey, hey, Malphur." Tentative, Drifter placed a light hand on Shin's back, behind a shoulder. "What the hell is goin' on with you?“

* * *

It took a moment to register the touch, numb as he was, and the moment he did he wanted it off. His stomach roiling, he could barely stop himself from emptying its contents onto the cold ground. He didn't want to be feeling things, certainly couldn't cope with this proximity and physical contact. He hated his ghost in that moment, icy and distant. It had done this deliberately, it must have. Wouldn't let him die, wouldn't let him disappear, wouldn't let him stop.

Managing to get himself under control, he gazed blankly down at the ground instead of acknowledging what the Drifter was doing.

"Kill me," he said aloud, voice rusted from disuse. It wasn't a plea, not in tone or content, but to some extent it was meant as one.

* * *

Yeah, that really wasn't good. If Drifter had thought about it a couple of hours ago, he might have said that yeah, sure, he'd want to kill the hunter. Now, though, looking at this version of Shin? He couldn't even imagine it.

"I can't, pal." It was true, and that was without getting into any possible complicated, dumb emotional reasons. He had been working hard here the past few days to restore some semblance of balance in himself, and he wasn't about to throw it away without even knowing why. "And ya gotta stop treating death as a solution to everythin'."

He still wanted an answer to his question, but it didn't look like pushing it right this moment would get him one.

* * *

Well. That was that, wasn't it? Not even the one person he'd thought would have his back in this would grant him that dignity. He felt for that burning space in his chest, felt it screaming at him to finish what he'd started. It felt oddly powerless at that moment though, stuck in his weak and useless body with him. He couldn't have killed the Drifter if the man had laid down and let him, and it hated him for it.

Well, the feeling was mutual bud.

The Drifter was right about one thing, though. Death wasn't solving this. Not the temporary kind at least, and he was man enough to admit that the other kind was just giving up. He didn't think he knew any solution though, couldn't think of anything that could fix whatever had broken in him.

"Got another one?" He asked aloud, voice inflectionless.

* * *

Sighing again, the rogue Lightbearer sat down once more in front of the fire, next to Shin but keeping a good distance between them. "Wish I did, really."

He stared into the flames in silence for a while, trying to make sense of this entire mess. He knew there must be some key thing he didn't know, preventing him from really understanding much at all, and he kinda wished he could just shake the hunter and get him to be fucking clear for once in his life. As if that looked likely, or even possible right now.

Finally, Drifter spoke again. "I'm sorry for what I did t'ya." His voice was heavy, exhausted. He was starting to think maybe the way he had killed the other man might have fucked up something inside him, irreparably stolen some part of him to make it into... This. Maybe that was how that kind of worm bullshit worked, he didn't fucking know.

* * *

A tiny reaction at that. He hadn't... Well, he'd swung back and forth between trying not to think about anything that had happened, and dwelling in depth on every rancid moment. He wasn't... He wasn't sure what the Drifter meant though, and he cast his mind back. He... His words had been deserved, he knew that. Besides that, what had the Drifter done besides let Shin hurt him?

"Don't understand," he admitted, that touch heavy against his skin. His mind skirted around a memory, of vast and empty hunger and fading light. That had seemed far less important though, and his mind couldn't even fix on it properly now. "_I'm_ sorry." And with good reason. He didn't understand why the Drifter couldn't see that, didn't want to rip him to pieces in return.

* * *

Drifter breathed in deeply, ran a heavy hand down his own face. It was that, or screaming. He didn't want Shin's fucking apologies.

"That makes two of us, then." It was difficult to know what the right thing to do was here. Well, fuck, no, obviously it was to try and be fucking honest for once and do some explaining, and that wasn't difficult to know, it was just difficult to do.

Drifter tried anyway. "I goddamn fuckin' lost it and _killed_ you, Shin, alright?" The words were bitter and angry, but it was directed at himself. "Y'know all your self-righteous bullshit about me messin' with the dark too much, goin' too far? Well, congrats. Ya were right. So I don't wanna hear a single fuckin' apology from you."

* * *

His next words were said without thought, the first thing he'd done yet that hadn't required him to try. They probably weren't any better for it, probably would only make things worse, but honestly that was barely possible. Best he could imagine was 'different', it was all still gonna be awful regardless.

"And?" He asked, voice finally gaining just a little tone even if it was just an extra dimension of hollowness. "We've both killed me a lot, Drifter." There was more, he could hear the secrets squirming beneath the words. Whatever that cold had been, the emptiness. "As for the dark… can't hate you for that, I've been doin' the same." 

Sure, he hated himself for it. But it wasn't quite the same for the other man, why ever that might be. It had been important before that nobody know what he'd done. To himself, to his ghost. But he thought this might be worse, more sickening. And well, he couldn't find it in himself to care any more.

"I_ ate_ you." He hadn't said it out loud, hadn't really said anything before this conversation, and his stomach churned at the reminder. There was going too far, sure, and then there was that. And whatever the Drifter had done had been bloodless at least. They weren't even close to the same.

* * *

Great. He had broken him. The Shin Malphur Drifter knew, at least once upon a time, would have made him eat a bullet as soon as he admitted to going too far with the Darkness. Things had changed, yeah, but surely not that much.

But then. Well. The rogue Lightbearer raised an eyebrow. Drifter knew both of them were walking the line between Light and Dark and all that, sure, but to tell the truth... He kinda had thought he'd left Shin behind in that area literal ages ago. Shin had his Shadows and his hunt, but actual, proper Deep? Well. Drifter thought he wouldn't dare cross that line. Legendary hero Shin Malphur, still fucking full of surprises.

"Huh. Guess that explains a few things." Should have noticed, really. Probably would have if he hadn't been so caught up in lust and his own bullshit worm issues.

Unplanned, a small growl rose from his throat at the hunter's words_. I ate you._

"And I would let you do it again if you needed it." It had a sharp, fierce emphasis to it, intense eyes looking to meet Shin's gaze. "_Fuck_, Shin, I said _anythin'._ It's like ya don't even know me."

* * *

A spark of emotion flared in Shin's eyes, the first in a while. Frustration, mostly. Some confusion, but the hotter emotions were always strongest these days.

_"It's not always going to be you," _he bit out, finally looking the Drifter in the eye. He regretted it immediately, unable to cope with anything like that level of intensity. Even if the Drifter was fine with being ripped open and consumed, he'd shown he couldn't be trusted. Wasn't safe around anyone. The guardians in the tower were trusting, even those who were most suspicious of him. He could have a whole cohort in pieces when he next lost it. Not to mention how close he had come to eating his ghost, crushing down that light forever.

"I'm not the one behind the wheel sometimes," he admitted, all emotion crushed out by the sheer weight of the confession. "Apparently."

* * *

He tried not to take it personally. That made a lot of sense, it really did. The fact that it was kinda making him feel pushed away and irrelevant was ridiculous, really. Didn't matter. Drifter returned his stare, looking unfazed.

"Shin. Listen t'me." He spoke slowly, trying to make himself as clear as possible. "You weren't the one who did a bunch of killin', got too horny and lost control of the dark." A bit of a simplification, but true enough. "You didn't randomly lose control. It was my fault. What I did to you first."

The hunter was speaking like a single slip up in extenuating circumstances made him a ticking bomb who could randomly explode at any second. Which was bullshit, as far as Drifter was concerned.

* * *

Shaking his head, teeth on edge, he made a noise of dull frustration. By his side, he curled one hand into a fist as best he could. It was loose, fingers not working despite the warmth of the fire, but it was enough to express even a little of the tension in him.

"I want to do it constantly," he clarified. He could barely think of anything else at the moment. Sure, there was guilt and pain and the all-encompassing desire to become nothing. There was the ever-present taste of blood in his mouth. But it hadn't stopped trying to move his body, take the Drifter's chest in both hands and crack open his ribcage to feast on his organs. And if he weren't so broken and powerless, if he were whole and at his normal strength, the Drifter would be inside him right now and dead on the floor. "You. Probably the kids." He paused, voice tired from all the work it had been doing. "Can't even tell what's me any more."

Some element of that sexual and morbid appetite had to be from the thing, didn't it? He wanted, he thought. He had thought. He didn't know, couldn't tell, couldn't trust himself and he wanted the Drifter. He did, he had even before. What they'd been doing though... That was complicated.

* * *

Ah, fuck it. Might as well go all in, if he was doing this truth and honesty thing. It wasn't like he could fuck up any worse, and Shin clearly was trusting him with something that looked very difficult for him to talk about.

"Ok, well, that's a bit more intense than I thought, I'll give ya that." Drifter kept his tone in a range that approximated, he hoped, reassuringly casual. "But we can deal with it. Help ya cope. There are ways of controllin' the hunger." There it was. The line that, once crossed, would mean there were lots of things he was going to be unable to keep fully secret anymore. "It helps with mine. It's, uh, not the same, but comin' from the same place, if y'know what I mean." The Deep. There was nothing else like this. "You can plan, and control it, instead of lettin' it be the other way 'round."

Sure, maybe Drifter wasn't the perfect poster boy for control either, at least lately, but he had experience with something very similar, and had dealt remarkably well for the amount of time it had been growing inside him.

* * *

Shin managed to raise his eyes, fix the other man with a tired gaze. He didn't even know what that was supposed to mean. The darkness he'd taken into him, it was... Well, he didn't have words for it. Maybe he should've. It was hive, once. Now it was guardians' blood, pure and simple. And it wanted more, from him or from anyone else. Mostly others, now it had tasted what it really wanted. He got the feeling that just using his light wasn't going to keep it quiet any more, wasn't going to stop it from pushing.

"And how are those workin' out for you."

The words could have come off as cruel, if they'd had even a fragment of emotion behind them. Instead they just sounded defeated.

* * *

"One hell of a lot better than yours, I'd say." He fired back, shrugging. "Not perfect, you've seen the worst of it so far, but at least I trust myself to be around the kids without wantin' to eat 'em." If only because it'd meant less feeding long term - Guardians brought tithe, and the hunger left them more or less alone thanks to it.

It had been a cruel thing to say, though, with the little context he had given the hunter. Wasn't fair. Right, well, there it went. First time he'd ever say it out loud. "I made a pact with a Worm God."

Matter of fact, too out of the blue, but Drifter had to get the words out before he changed his mind.

* * *

Well, he wasn't wrong. Everything had been going fine for Shin, he'd thought so at least, but something had switched hard and it didn't look like it'd reset any time soon. He could point blame for it maybe, but there had been a reason he'd been so desperate he supposed. Hadn't killed anyone in a while, nobody who needed to stay dead. And that was what he'd been doing, hadn't he? Scratching that itch. Feeding the hunger. He'd always felt so good and right after, he'd never even questioned why. Had though he was doing right, and now he just couldn't tell.

The man's next words sent a ripple through him, gaze sharpening ever so slightly. First the nine, now this? How much did the Drifter have crammed into that reckless skull of his?

"Course you did," is all he could manage, raising one hand to his mouth and biting against the knuckle. Couldn't even think of what to say. Clearly the man was in better control than him, most of the time, so he hadn't got any excuse to tell him off. And they'd been trying for this, he remembered. Couldn't deny the man had power, not after how Shin had gone down easy. "Seems to be working out ok."

* * *

Drifter chuckled, and it wasn't even entirely bitter. "Oh yeah, it's going great." He said, sarcastic, running a hand through his short hair, then rubbing at the back of his neck. "If I'm not real careful with what I do, the hunger grows faster than the power I get from it." A moment of hesitation. It might not make Shin feel any better, but again, he was doing the honesty thing. He owed him that much. "Killin' you a few times, well, it kinda threw me off my balance pretty badly."

It was extremely weird, though, talking about this without quite expecting the hunter to kill him for it. Before, he had been so convinced that if they ever talked about it, it'd be because Shin had somehow found out and decided to put him down. This was completely unknown territory.

* * *

Nodding dumbly, Shin dropped his head into his hands and just breathed for a little bit. Yeah, that checked out. Something like that, the kind of thing they'd been doing, it wouldn't be helping whatever the Drifter was dealing with. Made sense of Gambit though, maybe. All that dark, no clue what it was going to... Well, vague ideas now he guessed. And he'd been making it worse. Sure.

"Can't tell what mine's doing," he admitted. "Hard to map, just know I gotta kill or die." Twenty deaths by now and it still wouldn't stop ripping at him in furious denial. "Kill mostly at this point." Whatever the Drifter had done, he'd not helped maybe. Starved it out.

* * *

As Shin breathed into his hands, Drifter felt his own itching to touch the man. They were sitting together, but it still felt there was an insurmountable distance between them. He squashed the impulse, looked away.

"It's the conflict. For mine, anyway. Not only the killing or devouring but the asserting of will upon the world." The rogue Lightbearer was idly playing with a bullet now, feeling the smooth metal of it. He remembered words that had been spoken to him in the frozen desolation like stones threatening to crush him. He spoke them aloud now. _"'You must obey your nature forever'" _

Hadn't sounded that bad, in the moment. Easy choice. He had known nothing of the heavy implications of it as an ontological, metaphysical concept.

* * *

His fingers hooked ever so slightly, nails pressing into the skin of his face. Maybe the fire was finally getting to him, because he could feel them digging down through the meat of him. It made sense. It did make sense. He choked out a laugh.

"Not my nature," he said through rigid fingers. "But yeah, that reads." The Drifter had always been... Forceful. It had been moreso lately though, sure. He'd liked that. It'd made things feel better, not being in control. Letting someone else make the decisions that didn't matter as much. Stupid of him.

"You ever hear of a man called Rezyl Azzir?" He said, teeth bared in a bitter grin. He knew the answer to that.

* * *

Drifter nodded, careful. The idea, which was the base of any deal with the Deep, seemed to have prompted the hunter to talk about something, and he very much wanted to listen. "Yeah, of course."

Legendary Titan hero of the last city. Shining beacon of hope. That was the official story, anyway. The one they told to civilians and all those new little Lights to comfort and inspire them.

Fucking cautionary tale, as far as Drifter was concerned. If you asked him, trying to play to the figure of the hero would only destroy you, at the end, one way or another.

* * *

He snorted, pulling his hands away from his face. God, he never knew how to feel about the man. Even now. There was something complicated there that he'd only had half of the pieces of and never been able to make them work in his head. He saw himself in the man, sure. Good and bad.

"Yeah," he said, voice made harsher by the contrast with the flatness from before. Seems this could liven him up, even if nothing else would. "Fucking Dredgen fucking Yor."

* * *

It wasn't as much of a surprise as it maybe should have been. The way it brought emotion back into Shin's voice was, though. Drifter knew there was some bad history there, beyond what he knew from his time with the Shadows. But there was clearly something more there. Drifter nodded again.

"Yeah, I thought as much." For obvious reasons, hive and darkness corruption were a big focus of his research and reading over the years. It had made plenty of sense, though it was still strange getting direct confirmation like this. "What 'bout him?"

* * *

Shin looked straight ahead, trying to drop any emotion from his voice. Time for a story, he guessed. Make things easy in the hopes he'd be understood and become somehow less revolting for it.

"Man had a gun I think you'll remember. Name of thorn. Hive at the start, but it just. It ate Lightbearers whole. Did something to it, made it worse. And then I got hold of it." He paused. He didn't know how to explain what he'd done, not really. It had been deliberate, sure, but he hadn't researched like normal. Hadn't planned it. It'd just happened, when he was angry and broken and close to the edge and drowning in frustrated light. And he still wasn't sure how much had been him, and how much had been it through him.

"Split it," he eventually decided to simplify it to. "One part for me. One for the gun. One for the ghost." His tone betrayed how much he still hated himself for that. For that degradation. Himself, he had dominion over. The rest wasn't his to destroy.

* * *

Drifter listened intently, had to force himself to breathe again when he realised he had been holding it. That was... Well, it was scary as all fucking hell, for starters, knowing that the Man with the Golden Gun had taken the worst weapon of sorrow there ever had been and ripped the Deep out of it, stole it for himself and his Ghost and that shining hand-cannon of his. Knowing Shin, and hearing how he was talking about it, it wasn't exactly something he had come to terms with. There was so much self-hatred there, and it made Drifter feel something heavy and tight inside his chest.

"Well, fuck. Can't say I was expectin' that one." He had wanted to adopt a light tone, but it just came out as a whisper.

* * *

Teeth sharp, eyes blank and golden, Shiny tried to laugh. It didn't come out as one.

"Neither was I," he confessed, words disappearing into the snow. Felt safe, sharing with the Drifter here. Far away from everything, no eyes and ears to make him shamed and afraid and angry. Just a man who'd done bad things talking to another. His head dropped, shoulders sagging and hair hanging in front of his eyes. "Makes me strong. Fast. _Worse_."

The Shin of before might have seen the teeth and pull of the Drifter and thought it a challenge. Shin these days, mind slowly fusing into fury and consumption, knew it for a chance at something _great_.

"Think I thought it could make it mine, but it's not. It's still him, just through me."

* * *

Yeah, he sure hadn't been more afraid in literal centuries. Maybe a bit turned on, too. But mainly afraid. Shin was radiant like this, the kind of brilliance you only got from the mixture of light and dark, going from a very dark room out into the scorching sun, or viceversa, both utterly blinding you. And yet he couldn't stop staring.

"I haven't ever heard of anything like this." Drifter admitted, after a long moment. "I almost wouldn't have thought it possible. Can't imagine what it must feel like."

Whatever else it was, the worm pact did make the Lightbearer more... himself than ever before, and without it he was pretty certain he would have surely lost himself to the Nine at this point. But a piece of the Deep that had never been meant for you in the first place? How could someone deal with that? God, only Shin would be stubborn enough to think that'd work. He admired and resented him for it in equal measure.

* * *

Shin turned those eyes on him, focusing in on the way his face moved and twitched. “You know how many years I spent terrified that I’d turn into him? That I wasn’t checking myself hard enough, wasn’t being careful enough, that I’d end up _exactly like him_?” It wasn’t so much a smile as a humourless cracking of his face in two, teeth exposed and no hint of actual warmth in him. He burned, though. Constantly. There was that, at least.

The Drifter had probably fucked Dredgen Yor, the part of him that drove the man to butcher everyone that Shin loved. And neither of them had really cared at the time, had they? He wanted to feel sick, violated, guilty, but instead he just wanted that closeness again. Pathetic. Wanted to be held close and fucked into til he stopped thinking because he got the awful feeling that the forest and dying wouldn’t do it any more.

“And you won’t even give me the dignity I gave him,” he murmured, not even really trying to be heard. Just, releasing it from where it festered. He’d given Yor an out, he realised later. A choice. Kill or be killed. He didn’t get that, not from anyone who mattered it seemed.

* * *

He wasn't sure what to say. Drifter could feel his heart beating wildly now, at the sight of those teeth. He knew full well what they could do. God, just thinking back on everything that had happened with this new information in mind made him feel dizzy.

"You still ain't like him. You're still fightin' the good fight." Wasn't that the whole point of what they were doing? What they had both done to themselves? Take that Darkness and focus it where it was needed, no matter the cost.

He did hear the hunter's quieter words, and couldn't help a small grimace. "That's really not fair. Ya can't ask me that, not now. If you truly go full Yor, sure, I'll put a bullet through ya and another through your Ghost. But not now." Drifter shook his head, sighed. "You didn't kill me either, last time. First death in years and I had to go and bleed out alone on an icy floor." He was trying for humorous, sort of, but it just came out so pathetic.

* * *

Sharp teeth clacked together, hard as the Drifter's words hit. He hadn't died in... How? Why? His head turned, sharp and almost animalistic to face the Drifter head on.

"I woulda eaten your heart and your ghost," he forced his mouth to open to make the words happen, then bit closed once more. "Good ain't coming into it any more. Just hungry." He leaned in, almost unconsciously. The man smelled... Well, he smelled of dirt and sweat and hive guts in the crisp snow. But he'd grown attuned to the meat of him, it seemed, and he wanted to take of it- he bit down on his knuckle, hard enough for it to crunch in a way that finally sparked any pain through him. It worked well enough, the thing derailing just a little as his ghost healed him. Light, just enough to tide it for a few minutes. Not for long.

* * *

There was a visible shudder every time he could see and hear those teeth closing against each other. There was nothing Drifter could say to that, really, even if he had felt able to speak at all, instead of being almost frozen in terror. And more than a little turned on, which was real pathetic of him. He tried hard not to let any of this show, though, and forced himself to keep meeting the hunter's eye, to keep still, and not lean away in a panic when the other man got closer, or not lean in even closer either.

Drifter held a breath for way too long while watching bite down on his own flesh. Keeping down the impulses, he knew. He wasn't sure it'd work, because god, the way Shin had just been looking at him...

"Well, uh. Thanks for not doin' that, I guess." It was a delayed attempt at levity, and all the more transparent for it. Drifter's strained voice, tense muscles, made what he was feeling all too obvious, at least for someone who knew him as well as Shin did.

He should run, while he still had the chance. Get his Ghost to transmat him up to the Derelict, and probably run out of the fucking entire system. But he couldn't. He didn't even want to.

* * *

"You can hate me for whatever you want," he allowed. "But finishing the job woulda finished it. For good. And I don't think you want that."

Shin did. Shin wanted to pluck his ghost out of the air, crack it between his jaws and pull the light from it. And then, when the other man was mortal, he'd hurt and break him til he begged and screamed to be allowed the privilege of death. He flexed his fingers once more, far more responsive now.

Stupid. Should have thought about the fire, how it'd change things. Fix some of the ways he'd broken himself. The finger in his mouth was screaming, and he bit down further until it was barely more than fragments and meat beneath his teeth. He looked at the Drifter, eyes raking over him as he pulled the mangled digit out. If straightened, healed in seconds, and Shin swallowed the blood in his mouth.

* * *

"No, I don't want that." Drifter swallowed, hard. His throat felt too exposed, vulnerable. "And I don't hate you."

For some reason, he felt stupid saying it, probably because it was important to him that the other man knew, because Drifter was clearly a goddamn fool.

Fuck, was he ever glad that his Ghost was safely away on the Derelict, dealing with the Gambit controls.

He couldn't keep his eyes away from that mouth. From what Shin was doing to himself, knowing full well he'd much rather be doing it to Drifter. He felt powerless to stop it, trembling with a weird mix of fear and anticipation.

* * *

"Bad decision," he managed, eyes drifting down to the pulse point in the Drifter's neck. Imagining the hot spurt of blood pouring out of him and into Shin. The twitching gasps as he- he wrenched his mind back, forearm meeting teeth this time. It wasn't the same at all, wasn't tinged with foreign light and life, even if his ghost's actions were just barely restraining that driving force. He came away with a chunk of himself, spat it out before it could trigger more nausea and memory. More light, more healing.

He reached out, looped an arm around the back of the Drifter's head. Ready to bring him in. For what, he didn't know. But they wanted him close, and that was what mattered.

* * *

It was grotesquely beautiful, the fierce animalistic determination of it, the way Shin attacked himself. It couldn't last, clearly. Every time, he looked so frustrated, like it wasn't nearly enough to start scratching that itch within him. Drifter knew what that was like, but seeing it reflected in the other man in such a visceral way, well, that sure was something else.

"I'm good at makin' bad decisions." Damn it, he really needed to get better at making what were supposed to be kinda jokes sound like one.

Ah. There it was, then, Drifter thought as he felt the arm hooking around his head. He had been expecting the hunter to make a move of some sort. His breathing went shaky, and he closed his eyes waiting for the pain, but he didn't resist and didn't try to pull back.

* * *

Teeth were inches from soft, yielding flesh and Shin trembled just a little. Every fibre of him was aching to jerk the larger man towards him, start flensing him with teeth alone. He flicked his tongue out, leaning in to trace a line along one cheek. His conscious mind was aware that this was just feeding it. Letting it fester and grow and come to envelop him more in the shadow of a man long dead. But the other man still sang with light, more alive than Shin had been in days.

"Should've shot me," he said out loud, other hand snaking behind the Drifter to a chink in his armour and - there, the knife sliding cold and sharp into his back, severing the nerves there entirely. Less to hurt now, yes. But the thing wasn't quite so desperate now, and it knew to use Shin's skills accordingly. Brute force had to be contained before it became a problem.

* * *

Drifter exhaled slowly as he felt the tongue, hot and wet on his skin, maddeningly distracting. He already could feel the flush of his skin, as possibilities went through his head.

None like what actually ended up happening, though. He didn't even notice the deft hands looking for an opening to sink the knife into. At first, Drifter didn't even understand what had happened, simply felt a tearing, and then suddenly there was searing, intense pain, spreading in waves, and he tried to scream but somehow just bit his tongue instead, hard, not even feeling it as his body concentrated on the one big focus of pain exclusively.

* * *

Shin didn't pull the knife out, all too aware of what might happen to blood vessels and bone if he did. Instead he moved to take the arm which had been looped around him, twist it til it cracked and pull the Drifter down onto his side. Right on top of it.

It was settling back from behind his eyes now, the burning fingers still running down his arms in that sick puppetry, but... Almost as if it were guiding him rather than controlling. A father's hand on his hands, directing him to drag scream after scream from the body beneath him. He hated it, hands trembling even as they pulled at a joint until it disconnected with a palpable tearing. There. He was... Well, not safe. Never safe. But he could be managed like this, he thought.

Hand coming ‘round to the back of his head, Shin pressed the Drifter's mouth open and licked inside it in a parody of a kiss. The blood collecting in the well of his tongue was barely enough to even register to the hunger, but the taste made him shudder. Revulsion-attraction, fascination mixed with horror even as he bit down into the flesh of his lip.

* * *

The sudden pain had left Drifter lightheaded and confused. He could barely feel his legs, definitely couldn't move them. He wasn't sure what was happening to the rest of him, only that there were strong hands systematically breaking him down. God, it hurt so much.

He could feel tears gathering in his eyes, his mouth being licked and forced open. Drifter moaned into it shamefully - Though nothing like a real kiss, it was still the only thing he could feel right now that felt good. Even as his bottom lip was bitten raw and bleeding.

The Deep rejoiced at his pain, at the conflict, urged him to turn this weakness back on itself, use his own teeth, tear open his own body to escape if he needed to.

Drifter did none of these things. He wanted to know what Shin would do, how far he would take this. A dangerous gamble, sure, certainly a painful one, but he had been through worse.

* * *

Pulling a knife from the Drifter's own person, he considered it. The choking thing wanted him to use his teeth and hands to rip and tear, and the piece of lip he'd torn away had made it hiss in delight. But, Shin decided from somewhere beneath the fire and hurt, if this was going to happen it wasn't going to choose everything. He tested the blade of the knife with one hand. Not the sharpest. Made for fighting, then. Pity, it would only make it worse for the man.

Setting the edge of it to the Drifter's side, Shine started to carve long strips from his hide. Not too deep, barely any meat coming with it as the raw muscle of him was revealed to the night air. Running his tongue along the blood and fluid weeping from it, he groaned in satisfaction. It wasn't lifeblood, but it was hot and wet and tinged with that same mingled dark and light that had been so good before.

The knife moved methodically, from side to chest and belly as he mirrored the route the Drifter's knife had taken on him once. Deeper here, slitting the belly open and burning the edges of the wound with his light just enough to keep the cavity mostly-clean. Idly, he pressed his thumb into the incision as he chewed on one of the pieces of the other man he'd taken.

* * *

For a long, delirious moment, Drifter didn't realise that the hunter had taken a knife to him, and thought he was just slicing him open with his bare hands, or growing razor sharp claws. An actual monster barely even in the shape of the man he knew anymore.

Before, or even just a week ago, he would have never expected this. Drifter would have said that, when Shin killed him, it would at least be clean, fast. But this? It wasn't Shin Malphur, at least not entirely.

The thought made him growl in frustration, even through the pained noises and pants for breath. No matter what the hunter said, Drifter didn't want a fragment of some long dead tragic fucking figure, he wanted Shin. Even for this.

The solar light that burned him was more familiar, and that was good. Drifter was barely aware of it, through the intense pain of fingers pressing into the newest wound, but he was grinning.

* * *

It was funny. His core might be shaking, chest tight as he let himself be directed, but his hands were steady. Sure in what they were doing as they dipped past layers of flat muscle and tissue, down into the soft fat and viscera of the man. Holding his hand there, he felt the workings of the Drifter move and churn, slipping over and past his skin like they had a life of their own. Pulsing, enduring. He moved further in, feeling as each piece of meat slipped past him. It was incredible, and Shin found himself fighting off a sudden wave of want. This part of it, watching the other man twist around him, up to his elbow in pulsing flesh... This was good. He couldn't pretend to himself that he wouldn't do this over and over if he could.

He pulled his hand out, slippery with fat and fluid, and placed it against the Drifter's lips. Wanted to let him taste himself on Shin, even as his other hand began peeling and pulling at the meat exposed on his side.

* * *

There was a strange sort of intimacy to this. No one else could have gotten away with this, no one else could break him open and physically reach inside and feel and _know_ him in this way.

It wasn't just weakness anymore. There was strength of the Deep being drawn from and used by Drifter to assert his own existence, impose his will on the flesh that housed him. Keep it working through torture that would have had anyone else passing out, maybe dead already. He was in indescribable pain, and it felt powerful, it felt right.

When Shin put his hand up to his lips, the rogue Lightbearer didn't even think about it, immediately licking at it, feeling the sharp rich taste fill his mouth, mixing with the blood already there, and under it, the warm feeling of the hunter's skin under his tongue. He leaned in a little, with the very limited range of movement that he had, to take one of the fingers in his mouth, suck on it, looking up into the other man's eyes, and then bit down, hard as he could.

* * *

For a moment, he'd been considering making the man feel good. As his hand jerked away from the Drifter's mouth, bleeding from the stump of a knuckle, all thoughts of tenderness fled from his mind. The slap was almost reflexive, not even hard.

His finger already healing over, Shin looked down at the mangled digit in the other man's mouth. Then, calmly, he dislocated the man's jaw and took his flesh back. Made sure to keep the Drifter's airway clear, letting him breathe through it as he chewed on his own finger. Taking it back into himself.

"You don't get to be in control here," he told the other man, swallowing the mass of bone and meat. "You are going to lie here, and you are going to _take it_." He pulled the knife from the man's back with a faint sucking noise, blade heated with raw solar fire to cauterise the wound as it went. Leaning over the man, knife burning in his hand, he evaluated. Couldn't eat him all, there wasn't room. Wasn't time, if he was to be alive for it. And he wanted him to feel it, for him to know every new thing that Shin did to him.

The fire guided his hands, jerking the broken arm from beneath the Drifter and twisting it at an obscene angle. Trigger finger, yeah. Yeah, that would do. He made sure to slice slowly, taking his time in separating the other from his prize.

* * *

The hoarse chuckle was cut short by the slap. It wasn't even that hard, but it shook him and made the open parts of him flare up with bright new pain. Drifter almost choked on the finger, but Shin practically broke part of his face to get it back. God, but the strength on him. If he wanted, the hunter could probably tear him limb from limb, or reach in and crack his ribs open to empty Drifter entirely._ 'I woulda eaten your heart'_, he remembered. Maybe he still would.

It was a pity, though, he would have eaten the finger. But Shin was making it very clear this was not to be a reciprocal kinda thing. Drifter could barely even nod now, but was hoping the look in his eyes was enough to communicate his understanding. A look that was bright, wild, and hungry, even through the tears. Anything.

It was hard to keep track of what was happening to his body, though, just knowing that it was being twisted and bent and cut, as Shin took what he wanted from it.

* * *

"Good boy," he murmured, half serious and half darkly amused at the reversal. The look on the Drifter's face was beautiful though, so willing and eager for everything Shin would give him despite - because of - the pain. He held up the severed finger, let him see it before he bit down and took it inside him.

The difference between his finger and Shin's own was massive, the rush it sent through him enough that he couldn't keep back a groan of pleasure. Perhaps it was the intent that made it more powerful, perhaps it was some remnant of the deep in it recognising what robbing the other man of his power to kill did. Possibly he was just deeper in, more excited and on board than he had been before. He needed more, wanted to take from the Drifter until he was _nothing_ and all he'd had was Shin's.

His mouth lolled open now that his jaw was out of commission, inviting. Shin pressed a kiss to it, almost mocking, before reaching inside it again with one hand. A grip around the base of his tongue, pulling teasingly. Promising.

* * *

The praise made a weird sense of euphoria bubble up in Drifter's chest. So did seeing Shin enjoy eating the finger he had just cut out off him, groaning for it. Fuck, but that was good. The Lightbearer wanted Shin to enjoy this, to enjoy him, think he was good and tasted good and he way past caring about how fucked up any of that might be.

He closed his eyes when the hunter kissed him, unable to move in response to it, whining softly. Then, the feeling of a hand reaching in and grabbing, promising more punishment for what he had dared to do. The inarticulate noise he was making got louder, more desperate.

* * *

Oh, those were the noises he wanted to hear. Begging without words, needy and fearful. The tongue was wet in his hand, slippery as it twitched and writhed. He pulled harder, hand gripping too tight around the base of it to come loose and pushing down on the lax jaw with his other hand. There was a noise, muscle ripping from its seat, and Shin took the hand from the Drifter's jaw and pressed it into the mouth alongside, burning away the root and sealing the wound where it had come away. A pity, he bled so well. But he'd drown on his own blood without it, and Shin wasn't letting him out so easily.

The tongue hadn't quite stopped its twitching by the time he brought it to his lips, but it slid down his throat easily. No more clever words, no more lies, no more twisting Shin's thoughts in that way he liked so well. It was Shin's now, and he was so flushed with arousal and power he could barely think.

"_Mine_."

* * *

It felt like the hunter was ripping something right out of the core of him, something dark and true that no one had even been able to see before. And Shin had looked at him and sliced him open with those eyes, with those hands, and grabbed at it without a second thought. Drifter could barely breathe, trying not to choke on the blood and drool quickly pooling in his mouth as Shin ripped his tongue from it. He thought it might be a quick motion, but this was methodical, carefully executed, and so much the better for it. The solar burn was almost too much, heat spreading through his entire body, noises increasing once more. Even like this, he couldn't stop being incredibly vocal.

Heartbeat already gone wild, Drifter thought his heart might just finally give out and explode as he watched the hunter swallow his tongue. He couldn't speak, but the fierce reverence in his eyes said exactly what he was thinking. _Yours_.

* * *

Shin was panting, hard and aching in his pants, skin flushed dark against the cold air. The Drifter was trapped beneath him, looking up mute and broken and so very much owned that it was hard not to rip him apart at that moment. But he could see the next steps laid out before him, like a dance he knew the movements to and would trip on if he ever actually _thought_ about it.

He pulled himself free, hand wrapping around the length of flesh and lazily pulling at it. With his other hand, still bloodied and wet from the man's tongue, he pried open the two halves of the slit in his belly, admiring the coiling tangle of viscera and fluid. It had grown wet, exposure to the air causing the surrounding tissues to weep and moisten the organs further. With one hand, he pushed into the mess and dragged it out again. It was slick, and unlike anything he'd felt before. Perfect. The angle was hard to find, one where he could fuck in unencumbered without entrails spilling out onto the ground, but the Drifter was pliant as could be without the use of his limbs. The one he settled on let the Drifter look down at where the two of them joined, enjoy the view.

And god, was it a view. He was bloodstained in moments, the fat and slick easing his movements while the clench and drag of every loop of intestine in every direction was almost more than he could handle. There wasn't as much pressure as he'd like, no, but it hardly mattered when the sight and sound of it had him on the edge immediately.

* * *

Drifter stared at Shin pulling himself free, eager, starved, and moaned long and deep when the realisation of what the hunter was doing finally hit him. He could do nothing at all but let it happen, let the other man hold him open and literally fuck into him. Honestly, Drifter wouldn't have stopped him if he could. It was painful, of course, every thrust making his body scream, but fuck, that was also so good, knowing the exact same movements that were causing that pain were bringing Shin pleasure.

Insides burning, unable to participate in any active way, Drifter was at least glad he got to watch while the hunter claimed him. It would have drove him absolutely mad otherwise. Shin was at his most savage and beautiful, and he knew the image would be burned in his mind for the rest of his life, no matter what happened next.

* * *

The sensation, the reactions of his body... They were all good, yes. Incredible, skin practically crawling with pure pleasure, the noises coming from him barely coherent. But as he lost rhythm, becoming rougher with the Drifter's broken body, it wasn't really the point. The point was the Drifter's eyes, tears streaming down his face as he watched Shin shudder and find his release while still seated deep in him, pulling out to paint the gash with one last spurt of come.

He was breathing heavily, barely even able to stay upright, and he let the tableau stay for one long moment. Let it sink into the Drifter's mind, himself used and split apart and Shin responsible for all of it.

That done, he reached up to the Drifter's face and lovingly gouged out his eyes one after another, one hand keeping his head still as the other dug in deep. The first one was wet and ripe in his mouth, the other fixed desperately on him right until he was plucking at it. There it was. No more watching, no more knowing, nothing in his control besides what Shin chose to inflict on him. He pressed a kiss to the Drifter's forehead, ignoring the noises.

* * *

The feeling of Shin spending himself inside of him was perfect, devastating and completely alien to his body, making him full. And the visual of it was even better.

He was almost glad for what followed, thankful that would be the last thing he'd see until his next death. He stared at Shin for as long as he could, pain, need and fear coming up in short, whiny noises, but hopefully that was good as well, hopefully Shin wanted that from him. Everything went dark, which brought a sort of strange peace with it, a level of submission he had never known possible before. The kiss then pressed against his forehead, unexpected, ripped a loud, broken sob out of the Lightbearer.

* * *

He was perfect like this, Shin thought to himself. Helpless, needy. He drew back for a moment, deliberately leaving the Drifter without any point of contact. Just admiring him, how far Shin had broken him down and taken the pieces he liked. He could leave him like this, he thought. Just sit there and watch him slowly succumb. It would take a while, too. Hours as his body tried its hardest to live despite everything it had been through. Dehydration or cold would be the killers, most likely. If Shin kept the fire going though, he could probably watch as the lack of water drove him delirious with thirst and pain.

Ah. He'd been distracted by the image, spent just a little longer than planned away from the man. He shushed him, thumb brushing gently beneath the open and weeping eye sockets. Beautiful. He trailed one finger inside, just a little. Just to see himself disappear inside the man's skull. Indulgence though, and he had things to do. He pressed one hand back into the Drifter's belly, carefully opening the wound further and further up until he finally hit bone. This would have to be fast, the careful balance of blood loss and shock broken as everything went to hell. But the Drifter deserved something special, after he'd taken it all so well.

"You've been so good," he murmured, still elbow deep in the man's innards. "I just need you to hold on a little longer, hmm? Just stay awake for me." He traced one finger against the Drifter's upper lip, mapping the bow of it and dipping just a little inside.

* * *

All contact disappeared and that was the worst thing he had experienced yet, worse than any of the pain. It went for long enough that Drifter thought maybe Shin had left him there alone, got tired of his broken toy and abandoned him.

Pathetic, desperate vocalisations rose up from the ruin of his mouth, until the touch on his face sent a calm wave of gratitude through him. Then, Shin was reaching inside him again, deeper than he'd ever gone before, and it was so hard not to let the pain wash him away completely, but the hunter said that he was good and touched him almost gently and asked him to hold on, so Drifter did, managing a small nod. Gathering all that was left of his will, so that he could obey.

* * *

"Good boy," Shin breathed, and pressed a kiss right on the torn piece of lip. Drawing back, he made sure that he had the angle and leverage perfect and then proceeded to wrench and snap every rib the Drifter had away from his sternum until his lungs and heart lay bare and fluttering in the firelight.

He grasped the Drifter's hand in his own, brought it up to his own chest and wrapped the both of them around his heart. It was jerking, beating fast and panicked and pained even as they cupped it gently together. This was it. The centre of him. _Everything_.

With his other hand, Shin spread his fingers out in the man's guts and wrapped his fingers around a handful. Inhaling, he flooded the meat and core of him with all the searing light he could muster as he _squeezed_ their hands around the heart.

A little while later, surrounded by the smell of cooked meat and charred flesh, Shin absently brought the heart to his lips and took another bite. He didn't know what came next, but he found he had absolutely no fear in him.

* * *

Every snapped rib was a new wave of pain and shock, threatening to drown him, but he couldn't give up now, and disappoint Shin. Not when he was a good boy, when he was doing so well.

Drifter knew. He knew what was coming, and he wanted it desperately, he ached for it_. 'I woulda eaten your heart_', Shin had said, and now they had their hands around it, both of them, like the hunter was making him really feel it just before he took it, as if saying - _'Look, here it is, and it is mine.' _

Everything left inside him was set on fire, gloriously overwhelming, unsurvivable, as Drifter could finally let himself die.

* * *

Shin made his way through the meat of the heart. It was tough, partially cooked by the sheer heat, and his stomach protested a little by the end as he forced down the last bite. He had to eat the entire thing, though. It had been won, taken, given. Should not be wasted. And though his physical body complained, the shard behind his breastbone curled lazily and contentedly through him. He didn't think it knew anything as complex as happiness, but it was fed and warm.

The Drifter was still there, he supposed. Corpse charred and burned out, still smouldering gently away. A waste of meat maybe, sure. But he'd had the best of it, and the burning itself had done something to him.

He waited for a while, eventually abandoning the body and wandering off into the woods to see if the ghost simply wanted him away before it did anything. It was still there when he came back though, and he frowned. Breaking off a tooth, he curled one bloodied hand around it. Sharp, pricking ever so slightly into the skin even in death. But when the body went, this should go too and he'd know. He turned back to his ghost, watching it carefully.

"Anything to say?" He asked, voice challenging.

It said nothing, just hung there.

"Fine. Get me to the ship."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"He is thinking that if only he could cut him open and peel him_  
_back and crawl inside this second skin, then he could relive that last mile_  
_again: reborn, wild-eyed, free."_  
\- Richard Siken


	10. Chapter 10

When he woke up again, Drifter felt like he had the worst hangover of his life. Phantom aches plagued every part of him, head pounding with pain, and for a moment, it felt like there was a vice like grip around his heart, constricting its beat. He took a deep gulping breath, disoriented, lost, eyes too sensitive even in the dim lighting on the Derelict.

Memories were coming back slowly. Oh, god. Fuck. What the hell had he done? What had _Shin_ done to him?

The Lightbearer found a dark, tight space under a table, crawled under it. He had liked it. They had both enjoyed it so much. He couldn't make any sense of any of it right now. Really, he just needed to stay there for a minute. Not think too much about anything at all.

* * *

When the tooth hadn't disappeared after an hour, Shin had started to worry. There was no way he could have somehow fucked things up - the ghost had never even been there, he couldn't have touched it even at his most mindless. It was still fine out there somewhere, still able to resurrect the Drifter. Just... Not.

By the next day, he was going over everything he'd done. Over the things he'd taken, what he'd gained. It was so hard to parse through how much the void had been filled; the Drifter wasn't exactly what you'd call running on empty at the time, and they'd taken from one another enough that it was hard to know whose light was whose. He didn't think he'd taken it all, had he? Could he have? Jaren hadn't been salvageable when Rezyl had killed him, and his ghost had lived. Perhaps Shin had... He didn't even know what he could have done. What he_ had_ done.

Whether he was now alone.

By day 3, Shin had clawed an anxious furrow into one arm. His ghost wasn't bothering to heal him, still displeased it seemed with everything he'd done. Couldn't blame it, he supposed. He'd hate him too.

When the tooth finally disappeared, he could barely hold himself together long enough to choke out the coordinates for the Derelict. His ghost refused.

* * *

Drifter wasn't sure how much time had passed. Time was difficult to keep a hold of right now, and so were things like concrete thoughts, or movement, or anything at all that wasn't the soft fog filling his brain. He knew he was lying down, and the place was dark and small, and the floor was cool against his cheek, and all of it was good.

He knew, vaguely, that he would have to get up sometime, attend to his responsibilities. But for now the entire world was reduced to this tiny corner of his ship. Easier to manage that way.

Curled slightly on himself, the Lightbearer put a hand over his own chest, feeling for his heart, almost like checking that it was still there.

* * *

Shin had had to make his way to the deck, head light and dizzy, body reminding him in some distress that _no_, he _hadn't_ eaten since he'd gorged himself on human meat and that had been a while ago. He entered the coordinates himself, fingers clumsy.

It was that cupboard again, the one he'd memorised long ago. Still empty, still cold. But he knew where to go now, and he found himself stumbling through the ship with no thought paid to stealth or rationality towards where they had... Well. Done a lot of things, he guessed. Only some of them horrific.

The sleeping area was empty. He couldn't... He didn't understand. Drifter was meant to be there, safe. Whole.

* * *

Muscles started hurting, especially the arm trapped between his body and the floor. It was uncomfortable for a while, but eventually he stopped being able to feel it at all, which was good.

Drifter thought he heard nearby footsteps, but that wasn't possible. It made no sense. And most importantly, it wasn't happening in the small space his world had been reduced to at the moment, so it didn't matter.

* * *

He wasn't one to give up immediately. Not usually. But the ghost had finally stopped enabling him, his body was on the verge of dropping, and this ship was... God, it was so big. If the man was there, if his ghost was there, they could be anywhere. And if Shin didn't see them whole and alive soon, he was going to... What? Lose his mind? Arguably done. Die? Ghost wouldn't let him. Kill someone? Back to square one.

He dropped into the pile of bedding on the floor, eyes blank and sleeping bag pressed to his face. It smelled stale, dusty. Unused. But it also smelled of the Drifter, and that was good. In the back of his throat, a low keen began to sound. He didn't know how to fix this.

* * *

Eventually the sensation returned to the neglected muscles, and it got too much to ignore. It was interrupting his non-thinking, threatening to ground him back into the real world too much, and that was the last thing Drifter wanted. He had a feeling that there was a lot his mind was very carefully not focusing on, and it wasn't going to be a pleasant time when the floodgates opened.

So he got up, stretched, and started walking through his ship. Drifter was barefoot, wearing loose pants and an unbuttoned shirt. Didn't remember if it was his Ghost's doing, or if he had changed clothes at some point himself. Didn't matter.

His body knew where he was going more than his mind did, and directed him on autopilot to the sleeping area, where he could crawl inside his sleeping bag and pass out.

Or, at least, that was the plan. When he arrived, there was already someone else there. He stared with blank, hazy eyes, said "Oh, sorry.", and turned around to leave.

* * *

He threw himself to his feet, tripping and nearly crumpling again the moment his body reminded him that actually, he was a_ little_ bit dying. But he managed to stay upright, just barely, flinging out a hand to cling onto the other man. There, solid flesh. Tangible and real, not cold and burned and left to rot in the forest at Shin's hand. He let go as if scalded and backed up. Something at the base of his skull resounded dully as he hit a wall in his haste.

He'd still... and the Drifter had liked it, maybe. He thought so. Through the agony and tears and the mutilation he'd seemed breathless with something and god had Shin thought it was excitement. But he'd done… something bad, by all counts. To the Drifter. Lots of bad things. And now he was in his bed and that was its own sin but probably not helping and-

Shin was distantly aware that nails had begun their scratching once more, reopening the wound in his arm. Wasn't important though, not at all. He swallowed.

"Drifter," he tried, and trailed off immediately.

* * *

It was. More difficult not to think, now. Not like gentle fog at all, but something sticky and slow moving around inside his head.

He could start by turning around, he guessed. There. Facing the other man. He had touched him, called him Drifter, and oh, yeah, that was the name he was using these days, wasn't it. "Yes?" The Lightbearer said, pleasantly enough, but empty of anything deeper.

He had gotten up now, so maybe he'd leave Drifter have the room. That'd be nice, wouldn't have to walk around much more. He was very, very tired.

* * *

He didn't look... right. Unfocused somehow, less present than he'd ever seen the other man. Even when they were in the shadows, real friends to whatever extent they could've been called that. There was none of that weight to him. Shin remembered that rush he'd gotten, how he'd taken and taken something from the other man besides the meat and light they both had.

"You ok?" He tried, wanting to reach out again. His hand remained stubbornly at his side though, heavy and unresponsive. He didn't fucking look ok. Looked like Shin could eat him all over again and he'd get nothing from it.

* * *

The Drifter walked towards the man, only to pass right by him and sit on top of the sleeping bag, legs crossed under him. He had heard something, it was a question, but he couldn't remember it anymore. Running a hand through his own hair, he tried to concentrate. Make some sense of who the man was and why he was on his ship.

After a bit, he thought he had got it. Shin Malphur, of course. Drifter remembered what they had done, which might explain what the other wanted. "Is it time again?" He asked in a casual, light tone, rubbing at his tired eyes. The implication was clear - time for Shin to feed.

* * *

The hunter was genuinely torn between coming closer, wrapping him tight and pulling him in, or backing the hell out and running for the hills. Didn't feel like he was allowed, wanted. Felt like he could, if he chose to, but it would be a lack of resistance and nothing more. He took a step back, eyes fixed on the other man.

"Think there's been a misunderstanding," he replied, because he sure as hell didn't know what the Drifter was talking about. There was no spark in those eyes. No threat. "I can... I'll go."

* * *

Misunderstanding sounded about right, because Drifter really didn't understand at all. If the man wasn't here to feed, was it the room after all? Shin had spent the night there sometimes, before. Maybe he just liked it better than the Tower. That was ok, really.

"Hmm, no, I can share." Drifter leaned forward a bit to grab at Shin's hand, pulling him down onto the sleeping bag next to him. It was more asking than forcing him to, since he currently didn't have that much strength at all, and if Shin wanted he could easily resist him.

* * *

His knees buckled, dropping him down onto the bedding with a dull thunk. Shin didn't move for a moment, trying to process. This was probably unacceptable. He might take the risk that he'd be shot for it though. For, well, for all of this. He didn't want to hurt the man, not at the moment. No challenge, nothing to gain. Made him safe, he guessed. God, he hoped the Drifter was enough himself tomorrow to put a bullet in him.

Slowly he tried to pull himself up and stand again, but his body actively refused. It had been mistreated significantly, was still bleeding and neglected, and it was being kept close by a warm body. It didn't want to move, and neither did Shin on some base level. He closed his eyes, dropping his head into the pile of bedding. This was going to go real bad.

* * *

Throwing one arm around Shin, Drifter brought him down with him when lying down completely on the sleeping bag, on his side, and yawned. The arm went over Shin's waist, then curved upwards along the chest, pulling him in closer. It was warm, nice.

And this was ok, right? They did this stuff? Drifter seemed to remember so. And the hunter had never been shy about telling him to stop when he didn't want something, so Drifter thought that if he stayed, it'd be because he wanted to.

* * *

He let himself be moved. Well, even 'let' was a strong term; he didn't know if resisting would've done anything at all. He closed his eyes, blinking hard against the tears welling up for _stupid_ reasons before they could soak into the other man's sleep clothes. He missed the way he'd felt, as if the entire world could've gone up against him and come up short. Wished he could live in that space, full and strong and powerful.

God, this was pathetic. Almost as pathetic as his current attempts to breathe against the warm bulk of the Drifter without crying. Fucking pathetic.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer nuzzled at Shin's head, felt the soft hair against his cheek. They did this, he was pretty certain, but... It also felt like it had been a little while since the last time, somehow. Made him hold the other man a bit tighter in his arms.

"Mmmph. Ok?" It was supposed to be 'are you ok', but about half the words seemed to get lost on the way there, voice a lazy drawl. Shin was breathing pretty hard, but he couldn't see a reason for it.

* * *

Did it hurt that probably the only reason the Drifter wanted to be close to him was because Shin had taken something crucial away from him? Sure. Were there silent tears of exhaustion and relief and pain escaping from him? Maybe. Could he do anything about it? Not really, given that he was weak as a kitten and on the wrong side of several sleepless nights.

"'M fine," he managed without sounding too awful. Helped that he was still muffled by the Drifter's shirt.

* * *

Hmm. The man was probably just tired, like Drifter himself. He knew he didn't get as much sleep as he should. Neither of them did, usually, so just... Just getting some rest, now, sounded like a great plan. Yeah.

"Hey." Voice was a whisper, low and rough with sleep. Drifter kissed the crown of Shin's head, breathed in deeply. "Love you." Already more than halfway there, Drifter finished falling asleep pretty much instantly, as his body craved some much-needed downtime for rest and recovery.

* * *

Freezing in place, Shin's eyes opened wide, gazing blankly at the darkness they were pressed against. He deserved that. He fucking deserved to be hurt like that, for that knife to be placed in him and twisted as far as it'd go.

God, it hurt. Tears, shaking and ugly but as silent as he could manage, poured down his face. He couldn't really breathe, pressed in as he was even as the Drifter slept through his quiet distress.

_'I love you'_ \- what a sick joke.

Even if he couldn't bring himself to pull away from the warmth and safety of the Drifter's body, well. Suffice to say sleep didn't find him that night.

* * *

If he had any dreams, for once, Drifter couldn't remember them as he woke up. Slowly, like being underwater and having to control how fast you rose towards the surface to avoid the pressure changing too fast.

He felt. Well, he wasn't sure yet. Had the feeling he'd find out soon enough, though. For now, staring to recognise the physical space around him was enough - The plush sleeping bag he was only half wrapped in, the wall of the Derelict at one side of him, and an alive, human warmth in his arms. He yawned, trying to nudge his memory just a little bit more.

* * *

He hadn't been able to sleep, hunger pangs thoroughly gripping him once he'd actually started feeling his body, and the press of a body against his had been so distracting that even forcing pain down hadn't helped. Not with all those thoughts rolling around inside his head though.

Speaking of, the body made a noise that sounded a lot more awake than its usual, shifted slightly around Shin. He froze, like a prey animal doing its best to stay unseen. Trying not to disturb the other, as if he'd somehow not notice a hunter in his bed.

* * *

Last night was there, but really foggy in his memory, like images which told a story that ended up making no sense. He knew how they had ended up, but he had no idea when or why Shin had come up to the Derelict.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Well. They sure had done some stuff, huh? Back down in the EDZ, in one of Drifter's own Gambit arenas, damn. Something to strike from the bucket list. And Drifter felt _good_ now, rested and whole. But as he woke up a little more, more and more questions and concerns started to creep into his head.

"Hmm mornin'. Hey, Shin." He still had the man in his arms right now, and currently couldn't see his face. "Just, uh. What the hell happened?" His tone wasn't unkind, just confused.

* * *

Muscles untensing all at once, he sagged in place. Oh, thank fuck. That was coherency, the right personality and response. He hadn't broken him permanently, hadn't eaten the core of him forever. He exhaled rapidly, a wet noise of sheer relief and stress. Fuck. He'd been so scared.

The real question was what he remembered. Whether he remembered the profane and bloody things Shin had done to him, how he'd begged for it and... Well. Whether he remembered those. Or if he was just talking about Shin being in his fuckin bed.

"You remember anything?" He asked, open ended and vague. No point in freaking the man out if he didn't.

* * *

Drifter thought for a moment, blinked away some more of the sleepiness. "Yeah. All of it, I think." He started stroking Shin's arm, up and down, casually. "You gonna freak out about it again?" Softly, a touch of humour. Drifter had already told him he didn't want his apologies.

He was definitely glad that Shin seemed more... Balanced now, back to something more like his regular self. Drifter hoped what they had done had helped him a little. Not that he hadn't enjoyed it for its own sake, because damn. Talk about intense.

* * *

There was moment in which Shin wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. The noise he ended up making was a little of each, ugly and painful in its harshness. He clicked his teeth together after, forcing the other noises back down until he could say something a little more coherent than what was tripping onto his tongue.

After a few seconds he managed to collect himself enough to say "'s been three days, buddy. Think I'm entitled to a little freak-out."

But things were fine now, they were. He was there, making jokes, not even kicking him out of bed yet for whatever reason. Shin hadn't broken him. So, time to take that snarled and twisted little ball of shame and crush it down until it shut up.

* * *

Drifter blinked, until the meaning clicked in his mind, and he stopped moving the hand on the hunter's arm just to rest it there, give it a little squeeze.

"Oh, I forgot about that." Voice quiet, almost apologetic. Then a small sigh. "Yeah, that makes sense. Shin... I spent years thinkin' you might come to try and put me down at any moment. My Ghost had very specific instructions, to keep itself safe, if ya ever did kill me."

Hesitant, he continued, then moved back just enough to be able to look at the hunter's face. "Were ya, uh. Were ya worried?"

* * *

God, yeah. Yeah, that was fair. Sensible, really. Might've kept him guessing for a while, slowed him down. God knew the little thing could be silent as hell when it wanted to be, and fast besides. Wouldn't have stopped him, but it'd have bought time he guessed.

His eyes met the Drifter's for the first time, then moved away again almost immediately. Was good, seeing them. Sleep-blurred, sure, but alive and focused.

"Might've been," he admitted, tensing just a little. It hadn't been stupid, it hadn't. Thorn had... Well, that gun had precedent for doing unexpected and terrible things. He knew that.

* * *

He leaned in, kisses the hunter's forehead, and stayed that close. "Mm. 'S all good now." Drifter said, reassuring, when he felt the way Shin started to get tense again.

It was strange, all those paranoid plans and safety measures he had set up felt like they belonged in a completely different lifetime, even though knowing what he now knew about Shin, in truth they might be more relevant than ever.

* * *

There was something heated in his chest, and for a moment he was worried that the thing was hungry again. But, no. It was just warmth, curling gently through him. All human, all him. He curled into the Drifter, let that warmth spread and even out his breathing. He was... He was tired, honestly. Really tired. But he didn't want to be asleep when the Drifter was finally here and safe, just in case he woke up and this was over again.

He blinked, a thought occurring to him. "You think we got jobs anymore?"

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer just had to chuckle there, at the unexpected question. "Thought ya didn't really want the job anyway." Casually affectionate, the hand that had been on Shin's arm now stroked its way down to rest on his hip. "But I'm pretty sure vanguard positions are one of those 'for life' deals." He paused, thought about it for a moment, remembering certain incidents during Cayde's time. "Ikora might want to have a talk, tho."

Drifter himself was fine, as he had closed Gambit 'for maintenance' before he had gone into the arena for a few days. Maybe he could say Shin had been helping.

* * *

"They think I'm staying in that tower forever, they got another think coming," he grumbled, leaning into the familiar touches. A little bolder than before, he wound his own arm around the Drifter, palm resting against his chest. Felt it rise, and fall. For one thing, there might not be a Tower someday soon. And also because as it turned out, keeping him there might kill him. Or everyone else.

Shin curled closer in, letting himself be held. "You'll protect me from her, right?" He asked, trying for ‘teasing’ and maybe slipping a little more into genuine than planned.

* * *

Yeah, he didn't think that whole staying in the Tower thing was going to work out long term, with this particular vanguard, even without taking into account the circumstances. Shin might have staved off the boredom for a while messing around with Drifter, but there probably was nothing that could keep him caged in one place for the rest of his life.

"Shit, pal, I can try. But no promises." He replied, in the same teasing tone. Ikora was scary as hell at the best of times. But he'd try and talk to her. "Anyway, they might make an exception for legendary hero Shin Fuckin' Malphur." Having pulled him closer, the words were basically a whisper on the hunter's ear.

* * *

The whisper hit something odd at the base of his skull, sending an involuntary shivering thrill down his spine. He swallowed, very aware that the other man had definitely felt that reaction. Exhaustion must be doing something to him, evidently.

"You gotta protect me from warlocks with shotguns, what else do I keep you around for?" The tone of voice made the joke very clear indeed. Mostly because, well. Shin hadn't needed protection from anyone but himself and maybe the Drifter in a while. And because if Shin was keeping the man around for anything, it definitely wasn't his ability to stand up to the vanguard.

* * *

Good to know he could still get the hunter shivering. Maybe not now, but sometime soon he might have to try and see if he could still get him to do a few other things.

"Hmm, for anythin' you want, of course." The half smile should be obvious in his voice, but once more Drifter kinda got the feeling he was failing at making his jokes be, well, fully be jokes at all.

* * *

Ha. Shin was tired, real tired. Too tired for any actual messing around, but the idea fed that warmth in him just a little. He shifted, body letting itself wrap around the Drifter's. Cheek pressing up against the man's neck, warm and safe and good despite the scratching of the beard. He let himself bask in the knowledge that the other man was alive and whole.

"Right back at you," he replied, tiredness blurring the sound of his voice a little. At this point, he was thinking maybe that wasn't just a turn of phrase.

* * *

Aw, fuck. Shin Malphur shouldn't be capable of being cute, and yet here they were. Cuddled up close, voice sleepy, showing a certain kind of vulnerability that made Drifter's heart ache. Right now, he would have done anything to protect him, keep him like this.

And he looked so tired, stressed. Drifter had just woken up, but he doubted the hunter had gotten much sleep at all, knowing him. He tried stroking his back gently, in a repeated soothing motion, trying to get him to relax and get some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"He has a body but it doesn’t matter, clean sheets on the bed but it doesn’t matter."_  
\- Richard Siken


	11. Chapter 11

When he finally broke through and surfaced into consciousness again, Shin hurt. It was a strange combination; he felt incredibly well rested, body having been crying out for relief, and the warmth of the body holding his... Well. He could barely even really process that still. But his stomach was past the point of complaining and getting more towards the 'screaming' side of things. Curling into himself helped a little, and so did focusing on his breathing. He had to get up, he knew, but he wanted to stay in that warm space forever.

* * *

Drifter hadn't fallen asleep, not fully. His body still needed to recover some, but his mind was resetting, starting up all systems again, so he was caught square in the middle in that delightful not-quite-awake state, just enjoying the warmth and the chance to relax. He woke himself up fully when he started feeling Shin shifting, moving around a little in a seemingly more deliberately way.

"Hey there." He said, clearing his throat to get some of the roughness out of his voice. "You doin' alright?"

* * *

Well, that was that then. Probably time for him to get up and stop keeping the Drifter stuck in bed when he had better things to do. Shin uncurled, wincing a little, and looked up at the Lightbearer. He couldn't quite bring himself to disentangle the arms from around him, still craving that touch in a way that he almost didn't want to think about too hard.

Still, he definitely needed to sort this before it knocked him out again.

"You got anything to eat?" He asked, making that his answer to the question. Might be a sore topic right now, though. Ha.

* * *

Because he was an asshole, and because his sense of humour was probably fucked beyond repair at this point, Drifter got up saying, "God, Malphur, I've barely recovered from the last time." Immediately after, though, he grabbed a couple protein bars and an apple from the nearby table, and threw them at the sleeping bag, in front of the hunter.

"Sorry. Y'know I had to." The Lightbearer said, with a grin, leaning against the wall and opening another bar he had kept for himself.

* * *

Aw fuck, the laugh that sent Shin into hurt. He curled around himself, trying to recover his composure. He grinned at the Drifter, missing the warmth and presence of him but oh so ready for any food at all. He ripped the first bar open, practically inhaling it without tasting a mouthful. God, that was... Yeah, that was good. He started in on the second, a little slower this time. No point choking himself to death, even if a part of him did want to cram the whole thing into his mouth.

"Someone told you you were funny one time and I've got a horrible feelin' it was me," he quipped in between mouthfuls. "Did the world a disservice there."

* * *

"Oh, C'mon. I'm funny." The Lightbearer chuckled, then ate about half his bar in one bite. "I have dozens of guardians that will agree."

Guardians that probably were wondering where the hell he was, Gambit maintenance or not. And he had to start up the tithe cycle again very soon, if he wanted to keep things under control.

"Right," He finished his bar, looked at Shin, a little more serious. "What's the plan?"

* * *

He shook his head, biting into the apple. "Nope. Those kids think you're cool and suave 'n shit. Shows they can't be trusted." He'd once watched the Drifter pick up a slice of pizza that he knew for a fact someone had dropped half an hour ago, say it was 'still good' and eat it. Shin put his mouth on that. Shin _ate_ that. Aw hell.

Best not to think about it. He swallowed, clearing his throat. "Well. Guessing you need to feed the uh." He wiggled one hand vaguely. "Hungry boy. And I need to not get kicked out on my ass for now so I'm guessin' we head back and get stuff back on track."

* * *

"Got 'em all fooled, too. Don't ruin this for me." The persona of the Gambit Host wasn't that much different to who Drifter really was, just... Polished, more carefully presented. Necessary for the whole thing to work, but he wasn't above admitting it boosted his ego a little.

He nodded, listening to Shin. "Yeah. Wish we could just stay here all day, but sadly that sounds like the best plan." Realising something, he started taking off his shirt, adding. "Lemme just get dressed first."

* * *

He didn't even bother hiding his interest, watching appreciatively as the other man stripped off. There it was, skin made whole and clean again after what Shin had done. He bit into the apple hard, trying to squash down the surge of want that came with the memory of his hand wrapped around with Drifter's... he chewed, swallowed. Keep it together for five damn seconds, Malphur. He dragged his eyes up and away from the Drifter's torso, cheeks dusted red. He distracted himself by chewing on the bitter core of the apple, feeling the sourness burst against his teeth as the seeds crunched between them.

The ghost must've been listening in, because a set of fresh clothes appeared pointedly next to him. Possibly a sign of approval that he was getting things back on track. Possibly just letting him know he looked like shit. Who could say? They would have to talk about it soon, he thought. For now, though. Clothes.

* * *

Drifter opened a storage box full of crumpled clothes, searching through it with one hand while the other one pulled his pants down. He kicked them off, noticed Shin blatantly watching him, and gave the hunter a raised eyebrow look, but said nothing beyond that and continued finding some clothes, then getting dressed.

He ended up with mismatched shades of black pants and top, some leather armour over it in Gambit colours and a coat over that, just a bit brighter green than his usual with silver accents.

* * *

Hmm. Shin didn't own anything he didn't look good in, never saw much of a point except as a disguise. These were definitely some of his least good pants though, the closest to professional and workmanlike he owned. The armour was at least his usual, still scuffed though at least the bloodstains had been removed. He dressed as quickly as possible, not relishing the cold air after being so warm and comfortable.

There. Presentable, not even remotely scandalous. Possibly, Traveller willing, even relatively professional. He looked the Drifter over. He definitely looked a little off, but within normal bounds. Worked fine for him. "Well, let's get it over with."

* * *

They both transmatted into the Tower, near the annex where no one would see them arrive together, and headed over to the courtyard in search of Ikora - As Shin had said, better to just get it over with.

It was just past the middle of the day, and most guardians were off somewhere on their various missions, but there were still a few hanging around. They walked by a fireteam of a warlock exo, and two hunters, man and woman, both awoken. They shot Drifter and Shin a curious look, traded whispers, giggled a little. The rogue Lightbearer gave them one of his most charming smiles, a little wave, and winked at the male awoken, who blushed furiously.

* * *

God, the man was incorrigible. Shin just gave the group his blandest, most blank-faced expression. Tended to read as homicidal intent on him, according to folks who'd taken offence to it over the years. The kid the Drifter was messing with didn't notice, but the exo's optics narrowed slightly. Message read. Get lost and go spread whatever gossip they were going to elsewhere.

Ikora turned as they approached, hands folded behind her back and gaze as flinty as ever where Shin was concerned. He didn't change facial expression, though he did straighten a little. She jerked her head to the side, indicating the door a few metres away which led beneath the tower. Well, not wanting an audience for this was fair. Never looked good to be yelling at your co-worker in public.

Once they were somewhat secluded, she fixed Shin with a cold look. "Does anybody want to tell me what's been going on?"

* * *

Drifter followed into the room, looking perfectly carefree and pleasant. Shin really needed to get a more polite face going if he was trying not to antagonise the warlock vanguard.

For now, before the hunter could answer, Drifter took a step forward and quickly spoke first. "Gambit stuff. Malphur here's been helpin' out. We just lost track of time a bit, uh, out there workin' on the Gambit arena. Y'know how it is, Ikora, when it gets so busy." He raised his hands, smiling, half apology half shrug. "Won't happen again."

* * *

Shin nodded, doing his best to just give off disinterest. Last thing he needed was the warlock doing... god what was it they even did? Could she _taste_ the dark on him? _Smell_ it? "Real sorry," he added.

Ikora's face didn't change expression, but she did direct her attention to the Drifter instead as she exhaled. "That would explain it nicely, except that Mister Malphur here has been missing for about a week and a half and you've only been out of the Tower for a few days. Would either of you like to account for that extra time?"

* * *

To his credit, Drifter's smile didn't ever falter, mind furiously working to find a suitable explanation. He knew he couldn't outthink Ikora, but he didn't have to. Just needed some plausible deniability.

"Listen, my fault." He made sure to look suitably embarrassed. "I needed to finish prepping some Gambit stuff before headin' into the arena, and Shin was gonna come help out later anyway, so I just asked him to go on ahead before me and grab some stuff I needed from around the EDZ. For Gambit tests."

* * *

His face was plastic at this point, and honestly while if he'd been wearing any other face he'd have been perfectly capable of lying like a champion... it felt like anything he added would just undermine the Drifter's point. He just did his best to nod along. "Can't say no to an old... friend."

Ikora's gaze didn't exactly soften, but it did become fractionally less icy. "Better," she replied, unclasping her hands. "Now please, get your stories straight and the next time you decide to... _run tests,_ either you give a decent excuse at the time or I _will_ start making up my own." She nodded, brusque and business-like.

* * *

God. Shin really needed a lesson in diplomacy, but for now that was good enough. If Drifter was that much of a pretty bastard, he'd use it to get away with way more shit. Ikora seemed to have decided to be merciful and let it slip this time, which was about the best they were going to get. "Yes, definitely. We'll keep you in the loop." He gave her an emphatic nod. "Is there anything else?"

Which meant, can we go now, or is there anything else we're going to be chastised for first.

* * *

The cool expression broke for just a moment, lips twitching into something that wasn't quite a smile before flattening out again. "If you ever make me watch the pair of you fooling around again," she told them bluntly, "I will shoot you in front of the Traveller and everyone else in the room and not only will Zavala not question it he may give me a medal for resisting the urge so long." She raised her eyebrows, gaze warming a little despite the content of her words. "Dismissed."

Shin resolutely did not hurry out of the room, but he didn't exactly hang around to see what would happen. His face had begun to flush partway through the first sentence, and it had only gotten worse from there.

* * *

Drifter was left speechless, and just nodded again, before following Shin out of the room. Well, damn. And he thought he had been so sneaky about it too. Perhaps it was time to stop messing with Shin in public, no matter how fun it might be. Well, mostly. Couldn't expect a man to be perfect.

Once they had walked away a little, Drifter rolled his shoulders, smiled. "Well. I think that went well."

* * *

Shin had shoved a helmet over his head the moment he was out of the room, unwilling to let his scarlet face be on display. Regardless, the look he gave the Drifter could almost be felt through the material of the visor. "I'm gonna _kill you,"_ he bit out. Didn't mean it, not really, but _god_. He was hundreds of years old, he hadn't been prepared to be treated like someone's kid who just needed a telling-off.

Actually, maybe threatening the man in public wasn't the best idea still, given the way one of his hunters glared at him. Shin narrowed his eyes at the awoken, daring her to start something.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer decided to ignore Shin for the moment, seeing how the group they had seen before was looking at them now. He approached them with his best Gambit Host walk, wearing a similar smile as he did in their previous interaction. "How you livin', folks?"

The female hunter, who seemed the most extroverted in the fireteam, greeted him with a small smile. "We're good. Waiting for another friend."

"Oh, any big plans?" A raised eyebrow.

"We're going to the city, dancing. Wanna come with?"

The Drifter ramped up the charm to look at the male awoken, who was already blushing again. A pretty shadow of pale blue. "That depends. Ya comin', hotstuff?"

"Ah, uh, I'm. Um." He stuttered, while his exo friend elbowed them on the side, as quite unsubtle encouragement. "Yeah."

"Hmm. Might see ya around, then. Otherwise, you know where to find me." Another wink, and then he turned around to start walking back towards the annex, expecting Shin to follow.

* * *

Gaze going somewhat fixed, Shin watched in mild disbelief as the Drifter wandered up to flirt with the other man. It seemed so fake, grandiose, the way he acted when he was inhabiting that persona.

The hunter was cute, honestly. He had to give him that, the man had good taste. Nice slim body, good shoulders, armour in decent nick. Face relatively young and fresh, certainly interested.

He could feel hot jealousy burning in his gut, the urge to head over and do something terrible to the Drifter right there in the tower filling him. But Ikora was right there, and honestly he _knew_ that was what the Drifter wanted from him. That was the plan, that was the reaction he wanted. And the way he was going about it was so plastic, transparent and shallow when Shin had already had him in all the ways that mattered.

He moved past the Drifter as he went, just avoiding brushing shoulders with him, and headed out towards the plaza. As he passed the fireteam he reached out to the hunter, nudging his arm.

"Shoot straight," he told the kid, an audible amusement in his voice, before heading off towards the plaza tunnel.

* * *

Drifter realised Shin had gone in the opposite direction, and had to turn around and rush after him while trying very hard to look like that wasn't what he was doing at all.

He caught up to the hunter once they were out of view, frowning a little. "You're welcome. That should help the rumours a bit, maintain your reputation and all."

Gambit players liked to talk, and liked asking questions even more, so Drifter was fully aware of the kind of wild speculation some of the kids were up to with regards to Shin and himself. About half of them, uh, not all that inaccurate. So if he saw an opportunity to mess up the narrative, he was gonna take it. Especially after they both kinda disappeared at the same time, then were next seen in the Tower together. "Ya didn't have to look so much like you wanted to murder them, though."

* * *

The sound of hurried footfalls behind him brought a smirk to his face beneath the helmet. Yeah, that was what he'd thought. He didn't look at the other man, not slowing down his pace.

"I always look like that," he replied, pulling the helmet off. "Resting murder face." He raised his eyebrows, fixing the other man with an unamused look. "Laying it on a bit thick, weren't you? Hardly believable, and there are easier ways to get a reaction than that." He shrugged. "Maybe I should go find some strapping titan to flirt with, hmm?"

* * *

Drifter rolled his eyes, chuckling a little. "Maybe, but they like that. And they believed it well enough, trust."

The Lightbearer stopped walking in front of Shin, trying to force him to stop. "Yeah, I'd like to see that. Expecting them to think you're the flirty type? Would be funny t'see 'em scared shitless, sure." He smiled a little, smug, as the idea occurred to him for the first time. "Wait. You ain't jealous, Malphur, are ya?"

* * *

And the Drifter kept trying to convince him that the little lights weren't idiots. If they fell for that, they were unsalvageable.

"Hey, some of them like that. Nothin' wrong with giving them a little shiver, keep 'em on their toes." A flash of teeth. "Don't need to be jealous though, do I? Not like you're going to be doing _that_ again, are you?" The tone of voice implied exactly how sensible a move that would be. "They're kids, go after Zavala or something."

* * *

It took an absolutely ridiculous amount of willpower not to visibly shiver right there and then. Goddamn. If this was what jealousy did to the man, Drifter had just discovered that he _liked_ it. He gave the hunter a cocky half smile.

"Not sure, really. But you're right about the kids." He pretended to look thoughtful. "Zavala wouldn't be any fun, maybe Shaxx would be a better choice instead."

* * *

Shin took another turn as the Drifter spoke, then another. Leading the pair of them off the beaten track, deeper into the rarely-used passageways this place had.

In private, he reminded himself that he didn't have any actual claim on the man. It wasn't as though they were... What, dating? God, the word felt childish. Drifter could do what he wanted. But they'd been... Sharing something lately, he guessed. Didn't feel like casual fucking.

Plus, the man knew what he was doing. Was leaning into it, winding him up to watch him go, so when he turned to shove the man against the wall he didn't even feel bad about it.

"Want to transmat us up?" He asked, sharp and sweet, pressing a little harder. Wouldn't want to get into trouble with Ikora.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer gasped as his back hit the wall, trailing off into a small, breathless laugh. He had only intended to wind up the hunter a little, maybe get some nice banter out of it. But damn, this was so much better. Might be a button that needed further exploring in the future.

"Oh, hell yeah." Drifter grinned. He instructed his Ghost to use the Derelict to send both of them up, fast as he could.

* * *

The moment they were out of the tower Shin was pulling the Drifter's coat open, sliding one hand underneath his shirt. He ran his palm down the centre of the other man's belly, scratching his fingernails down the centre. He remembered the knife digging in, splitting the other open down the middle.

Tilting his head to one side, Shin let himself smile, eyes flinty and careful. Calculating, interested. "You wanna go find Shaxx then?" He murmured, other hand dragging the Drifter down by his collar. "Go have some fun with him?"

* * *

Drifter rolled his shoulders to shrug the coat off completely, his breathing already getting faster, heat pooling at the bottom of his stomach at the warm hand and sharp nails on his bare skin.

He was trying to put up some resistance to the way the hunter tried to move him, just enough to be defiant, but ultimately following along. "Hmm, I don't know. Master of the Crucible? Just sounds like someone who could handle a guy like me, y'know?" Drifter said, with a shit eating grin.

* * *

Shin stepped back, looking the Drifter up and down. He was excited, no matter how he tried to conceal it. Watching Shin move, anticipatory. He leaned in, nipping at the Drifter's neck with sharp teeth.

"By all means," he said in between bites, "go and get _handled_, if you'd like. I'm sure I can amuse myself." He rolled his hips a little, pressing up against the Drifter. Pausing, he held himself there and tilted his head as if thinking.

"Or you could get down there and do as you're fucking told for once." He shifted slightly, nails digging in. "Up to you."

* * *

A soft _'Aw, fuck'_ escaped with an exhale, before the Drifter could realise and stop it. It was absolutely ridiculous how quickly the other man had him going, throwing his head back to give him better access to his neck, and _god_, he wanted to obey so badly, give in, but it was too fast. A man had to have some pride.

"Why don't ya _make_ me." He snarled at the hunter, with a smile that was all teeth.

* * *

He nodded thoughtfully, hand going still and careful on the other man's torso. That was fair, sure. _Sure_. He could make him. He bit down hard, pulling the back of his neck to jerk the man off balance while hooking one leg around the back of his knee and knocking it out from underneath him. His other hand clawed at the Drifter's belly and further down to softer parts without care for how it hurt.

"Woulda thought you'd have learnt by now how bad I can make this," he hissed.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer cried out, half in pain and half in surprise, and crumpled down to his knees. His face was flushed with arousal and the effort of keeping his breathing somewhat consistent.

"That's, ah- that's fair enough." He acquiesced; a bit more pliant. That was perfect, and part of him really, _really_ wanted to keep pushing it, but he didn't think he could take too much of a beating today. Getting old, he supposed. "I'm listenin'."

* * *

Shin gentled immediately, thumb rubbing lightly over the mark on his neck. Getting to his knees beside the other man, with his other hand he gave the Drifter’s length one apologetic stroke before pulling away entirely.

“You want to sit back for me?” He asked, phrasing it like a question. He could be kind, he could. It wasn’t all ripping and blood, he could make the other man feel good. The way he pressed him backwards, slow but insistent, wasn’t a question though.

* * *

Drifter shivered hard then, felt himself burning. There was something breath-taking about those gentle touches when he knew exactly how brutal those hands could be, like the contrast added a whole new extra layer to it.

He nodded, and did exactly as he was told, sitting back and letting the hunter's hands guide him. For some reason, the softer commands plus the confident manhandling were a combination that left him absolutely weak.

* * *

“There you go,” he said aloud, winding a hand through the Drifter’s hair. “Isn’t that so much better?” The threat of how things could go remained implicit, in the light tug against his hair and the lilt of his voice. He tilted the other’s head up as he climbed into his lap, positioning himself so he could press directly up against the Drifter’s body if he so chose.

Meeting his lips in a kiss, he let his fingers run through the short dark hair, slipping the band from his forehead down to his eyes. Letting it rest there with his fingers still beneath the band as more of a question than anything.

* * *

A long exhale, followed by a shudder, as a hand went through his hair in the exact perfect way, electrifying. Drifter had to bite his lip as the other man positioned himself on his lap, to keep himself from making a noise that would be truly embarrassing at this stage of the game.

Drifter returned the kiss eagerly, breathing harder when the band came down to cover his eyes. He stayed silent for a moment, then, voice just slightly shaky, "Yes. God. Yes, sir." The gentler way this recreated being robbed of his vision, that utter sense of submission, was devastatingly exciting.

* * *

Shin tilted his head a little, even though the other man couldn't see it any more. It was a pretty picture, neck tilting back ever so slightly, unintentionally. Searching for him. He wrapped his fingers around the Drifter's throat, not pressing or choking. Just keeping them there as he rolled his hips a little, other hand running through his hair.

"You're going to keep being good for me, aren't you?" He asked conversationally, letting himself grind down against the Drifter as he did so. "Let me be good to you back?"

* * *

Fuck. _Fuck_, that was so good, hands a secondary point of contact anchoring them together in the darkness, and the feeling of Shin moving against him in waves, Drifter trying to shift slightly to increase the pressure when the man rolled forward into him, but otherwise just waiting for further instructions.

"Damn. Yeah, will do. I'll be, ah- I'll be good." He tried to keep his tone casual as well, without much success.

* * *

He hummed, lightening up a little on the pressure and pressing just a little on the Drifter's neck before easing off again.

"We'll see, I suppose," he responded, letting his doubt bleed into the tone. Drifter wasn't very good at being good, was he? Too used to getting his own way. Bred bad habits in a man, that. He brushed a thumb over the man's lips, opening his mouth for him. He could fuck it, he supposed. But it wasn't what he really wanted. He had a hunch about one of the Drifter's talents, and he wanted to see if he could prove him right.

"Well, you're going to get a chance to show me," he decided, moving away and stripping with some efficiency.

* * *

He didn't realise how hard it was to keep up with the changing touches and levels of pressure when he didn't have the visuals as a warning. It made every single one unexpected, new, ridiculously intense.

It was understandable, really, if Shin didn't believe him straight away. After all, when had anyone known the Drifter to give a shit about being good? But he knew he could. He wanted to be, so badly. As a start, he let the hunter open his mouth easily, and, a lot more difficult, he didn't even complain when he moved away entirely. "Please. I can show ya, lemme prove myself."

* * *

This was easy. He might have expected the Drifter to be a challenge once more, but it was interesting how when Shin was serious he _folded_ with enough hurt. Like a fast track to submission. He checked the desk draw on a hunch, ignoring the words for now. Esoterica, trash, possible bioweapon... ah. There it was. He really hadn't wanted to ask either of their ghosts for it, that would have been... awkward. Not that the Drifter cared, probably. Armed with the little tube, he moved back to where the Drifter sat. So good, waiting patiently. Even if he _did_ think he could be as good as Shin.

He climbed into his lap again, running one hand along the man's arm. It was funny, he wouldn't even be able to tell at first that Shin wasn't dressed. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to the exposed forehead above the band. "You're going to do something for me," he told the Drifter, pressing the heel of his hand to the man's cock just to feel him move. "And you aren't going to touch yourself at all. Understand?" So saying, he took his hand and poured a generous amount of lube into it.

* * *

Just a little bit of the good ol' paranoia reared its head as Drifter waited and heard the other man rummage around. Even now, it was easier to trust him with his body than with his living space, but he was being _good_, and, well, if Shin had some nefarious plan, he surely would have incapacitated him a lot more than this.

He was rewarded by the return of the body on top of his lap, a small kiss, and Drifter sighed. "Anythin'." He'd do anything, and... Fuck. He shifted slightly as the hunter's hand pressed against hard flesh, biting his lip, forcing himself to go very still. "I understand, sir."

* * *

"I trust you," Shin told him, moving his hand ever so slightly. "You'll be good." Withdrawing his hand, he spread lube over the man's fingers, liberally coating them. He'd be doing this blind, might as well make sure that it'd go easy. That done, he guided the man's other hand to his lower back for better leverage and stability.

The lubed-up hand he moved lower, ‘til it was _very_ clear what he wanted from the man. "It goes without saying that I'm expecting you to do a good job, but just in case you need to be _told_..." he trailed off, shifting his weight ever so slightly to press down harder.

* * *

Drifter nodded, gasping in surprise at the cool, wet sensation on his fingers, that he quickly recognised as lube. _Oh_. He swallowed hard, made a little sound in the back of his throat. He wanted Shin to trust him, and he wanted to be worthy of that trust so badly.

Letting the hunter guide his hands, he quickly got confirmation that he was naked, and Drifter had to bite his lip once more to keep himself from moaning in complaint, for being unable to see him. Instead he focused on the task he had been given, with a shuddering breath. He moved his lubed up hand slowly at first, trying to be gentle, feeling the soft flesh for his entrance.

* * *

Breath hissed between his teeth, he tried to move in the man's lap to help aid his clumsy movements. He looked so adorably focused, concentrating his entire being on trying to map Shin's body and make him feel good. Without eyes to guide him, he was so much more intent.

The brush of cool, wet fingers against sensitive skin punched a gasp from him. He pressed down immediately, uncaring of what stress that put on the man's body, chasing the light contact. He wanted to be fucking touched already, wanted a hand on _him_ now. "Come on," he growled.

* * *

He knew he was making the man wait, making him impatient - Drifter knew he had to do better. Finally, aided by the hunter's movements, he found his hole and spread some lube, circling a caress around it, then very slowly started to press his index finger in.

He was so attentive right now, focused on any feedback he got, any noises or instructions of movements of his body. The idea that it was the first time he was ever touching Shin like this left him breathless with excitement; it also meant he wasn't sure how the man liked it, but by god he would learn.

* * *

He didn't think he'd ever seen the Drifter so hesitant, so unsure. It was an effort to hold himself still, to not just press back against the fingers and fuck himself on them. That was stupid Shin talking, the one who wanted to hurt and ache and bleed. It wasn't his turn to though, and there was no fun in it if there wasn't intent. He could go shoot himself if that was the goal, for it to be fun the Drifter had to be _trying_ to.

Besides, it would be very irresponsible of him not to give Drifter a chance to learn. To prove that he was good, could make Shin feel good.

He shuddered, feeling the stretch and burn of just one finger. He hadn't done this in a while, and lubed as those fingers were they weren't exactly slender. A quiet moan slipped from between his lips, head dropping to rest lightly on the Drifter's chest.

"That's it," a murmur, slightly strained, as he sank knuckle-deep into him. "That's- oh fuck, that's it."

* * *

Drifter delighted in that small moan, hearing those words, and it made him feel a little more confident, slowly removing his finger then immediately pressing back inside, just slightly deeper this time, then again. And again. He found a rhythm that seemed to work and soon he was getting his entire finger inside the hunter. Hoping it wasn't too fast but fully ready to scale back down if it was, Drifter added a second finger and started building it up again.

He wanted to do a good job, get more praise, and ultimately make Shin feel so good that he couldn't praise him with words anymore, just those absolutely delicious noises he had when he was truly enjoying himself.

* * *

Biting down on his lip, Shin had to take a moment just to breathe through it. The burn was good, just edging the line between too much and not enough. It wasn't even a massive amount to have inside him, but he was so _sensitive_ that he was having difficulty concentrating. The slow movements were maddening too, half of him grateful for the time to adapt and the rest forcing slow exhalations from him as the Drifter pressed in and out.

He pressed back just a little, trying to angle himself right so that those fingers could hit that spot. The pain was good, the feeling of being filled was nice, but without a hand on him or any other form of stimulation it was going to be slow going even doing his best to relax. He couldn't quite- no, it was _close_ but he couldn't quite manage the angle and he choked out a noise of frustrated want.

* * *

He could feel how Shin moved, trying to find a better angle, and how he started to get frustrated. Well, that simply wasn't acceptable. Drifter had to do better. He increased the speed of his hand a little, moving, looking for the angle the hunter had seemed to be going for, and curled his fingers just slightly every time they went inside, exploring for that perfect spot.

It had been a while since the last time he did this, and he had never realised how used he was to having visual cues to guide him, the little reactions of someone's face and body. God, but he wished he could see Shin right now. He must be so beautiful.

* * *

There he was, taking the initiative after just a moment. Shin rocked against his fingers while they moved, letting him search for the best way to please him. When he found it, fingers just brushing that spot and sending sparks up his spine, Shin's thighs clamped down against the Drifter's as he jerked and moaned.

Closing his eyes, letting his head fall back, Shin didn't bother worrying what he looked like. It was liberating, not being even a little performative. He'd normally be focused just a little on being pretty and fuckable even with the Drifter's fingers in his ass. This, though... He could just move, gasp, do whatever he wanted. The noises he made were unequivocally approving, the pain helped massively by the pleasure firing through him.

* * *

Drifter took note of the exact spot that had gotten such a reaction out of the hunter, tried to keep hitting it as he continued to move his hand on time with the body rocking against it. He treasured every moan, now that they, and the warm tightness around his fingers, were the only thing helping him paint a mental picture of the scene.

The pleasure would hopefully help make it a bit easier now, so Drifter went for it and added a third finger, not slowing down the deep rhythm he had found, feeling almost anxious in anticipation of the response.

There was a tiny part of him that he was trying not to pay attention to, small and desperate, that said maybe even trying his best wouldn't be enough. Maybe he couldn't satisfy Shin, and he definitely couldn't be good at all, because he was rotten to the core.

He forced himself to ignore it and focus on the present moment again.

* * *

Wrapping his arms around the Drifter's neck, Shin braced against him just to ride through the introduction of the third finger. It hurt, worse than before and he sobbed just a little. The other man was managing to consistently hit that spot though, letting Shin twist on top of his fingers and try desperately to keep rhythm with them.

"Good... _Good_ boy," he managed, doing his best not to writhe in pleasure and let the Drifter control the pace a little. "Doing so well." His hands were in the Drifter's hair now, not pulling but firmly anchored there. He wanted the man's mouth on his cock while he kept fingerfucking away at him, mind blanking a little at the mental image. The blindfold made that idea complicated though, and he had other plans for him.

* * *

Fuck what any part of his brain thought - Shin Malphur just said he was a good boy, he had his hands on the Drifter's hair and moved so beautifully smooth against his hand. Right now, for a moment, that was all he could care about in the entire universe.

"Just want to make you feel good." He said, fervently, increasing the pace just a little. "Want to do as I'm told."

And he was doing _well_ so far. He could be capable of doing well, he just needed to keep it up, be good, be better.

* * *

"You're doing so-" he broke, gasping as the Drifter managed to send a wave of pure sensation through him. "- So well, being so obedient." He was desperate now, wanting to be filled properly. The Drifter's fingers were good, growing in skill, but he wanted all of him inside him. Fist, cock, _something_ that would stop him feeling empty.

Leaning in, Shin stole a quick kiss from the Drifter, gasping delight against his lips. Drawing back again, he swallowed thickly. "Need you to stop now though." He scrabbled for the lube, which had been left abandoned to his left.

Hands trembling with anticipation and overstimulation, he released the other man's flesh from its confines and brusquely lubed it. God, he wanted.

* * *

The praise felt amazing, the way the man could barely get it out without getting interrupting by the noises Drifter was getting out of him was even better. He pressed back into the kiss, so brief, and felt confused for a second when Shin asked him to stop. Was everything ok? Was he not doing well after all?

It only took a few seconds until Shin was roughly lubing up his aching hardness, and Drifter understood, moaning and gasping at the sudden unexpected stimulation. "_Please_, oh god. Shin. Sir. Tell me what to do." He was fully hard, trembling with anticipation, and so, so ready.

* * *

Carefully pulling himself off the Drifter's fingers, he couldn't hold back a whimper at the stretch and sudden loss. He felt empty, cold and bereft. It was going to be ok though. It wasn't going to last long.

"You've got one job," he told the Drifter as he positioned himself. "And it's very important." The angle was a little difficult at first, making sure that everything was lined up perfectly, but as he sank down onto the Drifter's cock it was all worthwhile. The stretching helped, as did the copious amounts of lube. That aside, it felt almost like he wasn't built for this. The burn spread through him, leaving him shuddering and whimpering aloud. Trying desperately to acclimate to the size of the man, he worked his way as far as he could before stopping to breathe.

"You aren't allowed to come until I tell you,," he informed the Drifter, rocking back on forth on him just a little. "Understand? You're mine, and that includes this."

* * *

Drifter breathed in, doing his best to steady himself, ready himself for what he knew was coming. And still, nothing could have truly made him feel ready for it once it was actually happening, unable to see and not daring to move at all, fully focused on the pure sensation of it for one long, agonising moment, the body pressing down on his cock and then opening to it, stretching to accommodate him, and he couldn't help swearing softly under his breath.

He had a job, though, and it was important than Shin knew he understood. "Yours, yes, _yes_." He panted every word, like coherent speak was an effort almost out of reach for him. He was already so sensitive, overstimulated and aroused out of his goddamn mind, so it would be hard, but if that was what Shin wanted, Drifter would do anything to give it to him.

* * *

Moving gingerly, Shin managed to work his way down the length of him until the other man was fully sheathed inside. He had to stop again, breathing through it as his body grew accustomed to the intrusion. The Drifter was big; not massive, but enough that it was a struggle for Shin, particularly out of practice as he was. Slowly, carefully, he began to work himself back and forth, levering himself back up along the length of him and dropping back with a gasp. It still burned, his body resisting as best it could, but he was managing to slide the full length of the Drifter's cock against that one spot as he moved, moaning in sheer bliss as he did so. He tried to make it good for the other man, hands spreading against hot skin and moving without thinking as he fucked himself over and over.

"God," he choked out. "Should just keep you like this. Use you whenever I want, you're so _good_ for it."

* * *

Consciously focusing on his breathing, hands curled into fists at both sides of him and pressed on the floor, since he hadn't been told what else to do with them, the rogue Lightbearer just let Shin use him as he pleased.

When the tight, velvet heat of him enveloped his cock completely, Drifter thought he was going to fucking explode, it was too much, faster than he had expected. But he just started moaning, broken swears occasionally slipping out with it.

The hunter moved like a dream, taking his entire length so well, and sounding like he enjoyed it, too. When his words confirmed it, Drifter felt almost delirious with euphoria.

"Any-, _ah, fuck, god._" He had to try and start the sentence again. "Anytime you want. Yours."

* * *

Oh, he was trying so hard to be good. It was beautiful, the way he was there all desperate and tense while Shin rode him as hard as he could. It barely hurt any more, focused as he was on chasing his pleasure and working himself towards completion. He hadn't touched himself yet, but one of the Drifter's hands was still cool and slick from the lube and Shin so he picked it up and wrapped it around his cock. He didn't really let the Drifter do much, treating his hand more as something to fuck into rather than an active participant. The rhythm he'd gotten into became ragged and irregular as his body tried to balance fucking and being fucked and failed abysmally.

Knowing he was close, Shin leaned in and gently lifted the blindfold away from the Drifter's eyes. Shin was sweaty, aching as he used the Drifter's cock, and he managed a grin as he met the other man's gaze.

"You get to come when I do," he informed the other man, tightening his hand a little around Shin.

* * *

The hunter picking up his hand and bringing it to his own cock, fucking it without actually letting Drifter do much of anything with it, just felt... So right. Yet another way Shin could use Drifter to pleasure himself, any way he wanted.

Then, the blindfold was taken from his eyes and the Lightbearer almost choked when presented with the sight in front of him. Oh no, fuck. He had thought he had seen Shin as his most beautiful already, but he was so painfully stunning like this, the perfect picture of debauchery, breath-taking like nothing else in the world. When Drifter's eyes met the other man's, there was something dangerously close to devotion in them.

He could not form words right now, he had forgotten how to speak, and all Drifter could do was vigorously nod his agreement, while enthusiastic inarticulate moans just got louder.

* * *

Shin bit down on his own lip, movements building to a frantic pace. He'd love to do what he'd promised someday, keep the Drifter pinned down and crying out for it as Shin fucked himself long and slow and luxuriant until he was sobbing and unable to keep from coming. And then keep going, keep using him until he was broken down entirely and couldn't do anything but beg.

For now though, the Drifter had been so good and Shin desperately wanted to feel him reach that peak with him. His hips jerked slightly, fucking into that tight wet channel even as he focused and deliberately tensed his body while moving back down. It hurt, but the pleasure and sheer distraction during, and the noise it drove out of the Drifter were all so much that he barely even noticed it.

He was so close, and his movements showed it. He wasn't being kind at that moment, not really. Wasn't being as good to the other man as _he_ usually was to _him_, even if he was babbling a litany of praise and filth about how good the man made him feel. In terms of trying for his actual comfort or wellbeing though, he couldn't think to care about the Drifter as anything besides the means by which he was going to reach completion. Or die. Possibly both. Felt like both, heart pounding in his chest like that.

The hand on him tightened, and it was impossible to tell if it was a reflexive motion of the hand Shin had guiding his, if it was the Drifter's initiative, or if it was involuntary on both their parts. Regardless, the sudden tight pressure as he pressed down was enough to tip him over that edge he'd built up to, pain and pleasure fusing as he bottomed out. Coming harder than he could remember ever doing, he gasped out the Drifter's name and spasmed desperately around him.

* * *

Drifter drank in the image before him desperately, blinking away tears from now overwhelmed eyes, wanting to commit every single detail to memory. Burn it into his brain forever. He had _earned_ this, he had done exactly as Shin wanted and been rewarded, just like Shin said he would be.

He just had to hold on for a little longer, continue being good, no matter how hard it was now that he could see the hunter riding him with wild intent, cock twitching and fucking into his hand at the same time he kept taking all of Drifter's inside himself. _Fuck_. He was too close, all muscles in his body tensing, flexing involuntarily, including his hand, and he panicked for a moment, he hadn't meant to, but then Shin was coming undone on top of him and anything else in the world stopped existing.

There was only the beautiful man gasping his name, the cock spurting come into his hand, the spasming, contracting tightness around his own, and he remembered, _'You get to come when I do'_ and that was enough to push him right over an edge he had been balancing on for far too long, relief and world shattering pleasure shaking through the core of him as Drifter came fully sheathed inside the hunter.

* * *

Warmth burst inside him as he was still shaking apart at the seams, and Shin keened at the feel of it. It took all his effort to keep moving through it, slower now but still pulling the pair of them through over and over until he was fully spent and overstimulated.

It took a supreme amount of effort not to just collapse on top of the man and let everything else become his problem, but Shin remembered how he'd done things before and that would be a pretty poor repayment for the use he'd made of him. He leaned forwards, meeting the Drifter's lips in a kiss. His hair was slick with sweat, body trembling near-uncontrollably.

"You did so well for me, thank you," he whispered against the Drifter's lips, hand running through his hair.

* * *

He was so overstimulated and spent it felt like he was just grasping to consciousness and might let go and pass out any second. The kiss brought him back into the moment a little bit, and Drifter returned it gently, with the little strength he had left.

"Thank you." The Lightbearer sighed, closing his eyes, the hand running through his hair sending small shivers through him. "Thank you. Just wanted t'be good for ya."

Shin said he had done well and that was all that mattered. Drifter felt exhausted but triumphant, and maybe, even a little bit hopeful. Maybe he wasn't such an irredeemable rotten mess, if he could be good, do well, sometimes.

* * *

Aw, hell. Shin wanted to stay like that forever, joined at the seams and with the Drifter so fucked-out and limp. Did strange things to a guy, looking at the body shivering beneath him and knowing he'd done that. All of that.

"You did, you really did. You did everything I asked you to, thank you." He really had been good. Shin was going to have to show him how that felt again sometime, perhaps. Maybe. After some recovery time, Traveller willing.

He shifted slightly, winced. God, he didn't want to do things. At all. It was fine, just stay there in the Drifter's lap with the Drifter still in him until. Well, he didn't know. Forever seemed like a lot when you thought about it, but he could think of worse ways to spend it.

Except that was stupid and he wanted the Drifter to want to do this again sometime which meant manning the fuck up, didn't it. Carefully, thighs shaking with the effort, he lifted himself off the now-soft length, whimpering just a little at the sudden emptiness. He hadn't been prepared for how cold it would feel in the ship's cold air. Knees shaky, he managed to grab his shirt and melt some ice into it, then went about the process of cleaning the Drifter off. See, he could do this.

* * *

Drifter smiled at him then, a genuine and peaceful smile, eyes going soft. That was all he wanted to hear.

He had to bite his lip to keep himself quiet as Shin lifted himself off him, despairing at the loss. He didn't want it to be over, but forced himself to say nothing, not even make a sound, judging he had already come across as needy enough and didn't need to make it any worse.

He couldn't avoid a whimper as the cool cloth touched his oversensitive skin, though. "Thank you."

* * *

What else was he meant to be doing right now? They were at least marginally cleaned off, nobody was injured... ah, right. Yeah. Bed, holding. Well, bed might be asking a little much given how little his legs were working. He probably couldn’t swing a transmat for something that frivolous. Instead he just climbed back into the Drifter’s lap, wrapped his arms around him.

He was still very much naked and feeling the cold, so it was still a little selfish. Hopefully the Drifter would enjoy it too though, and he could feel a little better about it.

* * *

For some reason, he wasn't expecting Shin to come back into his arms, and when he did Drifter had to let go of a breath he didn't realise he had been holding. He wrapped his arms around the man, hoping he was allowed to move and take more initiative now, trying to feel him close and keep him warm more than anything else.

This was nice, exactly what he wanted right now. Just a chance to rest near him, feeling used in the best way and exhausted and like everything might just turn out alright after all.

* * *

A noise of satisfaction escaped him at the press of arms against chilly flesh, and Shin curled in closer. This was... well, it was less strange these days. He was getting used to it, the idea that he could close his eyes and be relatively safe even after the part he was useful for was done.

Moving in, he pressed kiss after kiss to the Drifter’s lips. Half reassurance, half want for validation. He felt almost ashamed of it, but he wanted to know that he’d done well. That he hadn’t hurt him too badly, that he hadn’t gone too far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _" He doesn’t know_  
what to do with his hands."  
\- Richard Siken


	12. Chapter 12

To Drifter's infinite annoyance, they both had responsibilities to attend to that day, since the whole point had been getting things back in track before they got, uh, sidetracked again briefly.

Drifter had to get Gambit going again, and he had a small horde of guardians that were absolutely anxious for it. Usually, that would have made him redouble his efforts as a host and have a pretty great time, but this time, exhausted and preoccupied with about a million other things, he mostly let his Ghost play back pre-recorded voice lines while he handled the most technical aspects of the game, making enough in person appearances for the kids to be happy and not suspicious, and felt relieved when it was time to close up shop in the evening.

* * *

Every kid in the Tower wanted eyes on him, and for once it seemed he’d have to oblige. He’d been gone for a long time, longer than he’d thought, and he wasn’t exactly looking in great shape still. Worn out, still a little thin and pale from everything before, he was grateful that the armour hid a multitude of his sins.

The main issue was keeping his gait even remotely normal given how quickly the ache set in once they’d parted ways. Mostly he just leaned up against one of the walls near the vents by the hangar. It was kind of funny occasionally throwing the occasional piece of paper onto one of them and watching it blast upwards at terrifying speeds. It was also funny watching the occasional guardian who stopped by jump on themselves and be flung up to the roof. Just as long as he kept his cloak far away from the things, anyway. Wouldn’t be a dignified way to go, that. Finally, though, the stream of nosy kids slowed to a trickle and he decided he’d done enough to justify heading back to his room to lie very still and hopefully pass out.

* * *

After the Gambit matches of the day, Drifter had spent a couple hours in the annex, catching up with giving out rewards, chatting with players, and hearing rumours. As always, there were plenty of guardians interested in asking him about Shin or sharing wild speculation about what they thought he had been up to this past week, but either the rumours about the two of them together had calmed down, or the kids didn't feel like talking to him about it anymore.

After the sun set, Drifter went and got a quick dinner at the noodle shop, then just decided to wander around for a bit. He felt more awake now than he had all day and didn't want to go up to the Derelict. Which definitely had nothing to do with trying to avoid being completely alone with his damn thoughts, or with the shameful hope that he might see Shin somewhere if he hung around for long enough.

* * *

It was taking everything Shin had not to limp as he made his way back home. Ghost was still pointedly absent, albeit without quite the same levels of cold disappointment rippling through their bond. Well, it had chosen him. Kept bringing his back even though it was under no obligation. Time to live with the consequences, like everyone else had to, or pick someone fucking else.

So close, and he could feel the mattress of his bed calling out to him. No matter that it was cold and uncomfortable, it was a space where he could hurt and be without having to focus too hard.

There was a figure loitering aimlessly in the corridor as Shin approached, between him and sleep. Just the wrong shade of suspicious, like he was hoping for something, and Shin was so very tired but not quite soft enough not to have a hand on his gun. Then, of course, the man turned and he stopped worrying. Which was stupid, but hey. The Drifter seemed to be bringing the idiot out in him these days. "Hey."

* * *

Yeah, Drifter knew he wasn't making the smartest choices lately, but this had to be a new level of pathetic. Just hanging around like a lost fucking dog instead of sending the man a message and asking what he was up to, because that would be too clingy, but _this_ obviously was not.

He was so caught up in these thoughts that he almost didn't notice the man approaching him, until he heard the greeting. "Hey there." He smiled, and it came out more genuine than his usual smirk.

"How ya livin', pal?" The Drifter didn't know when the word had stopped being a reminder or a weapon and turned back, more than ever, into an affectionate apelative, but to tell the truth, he much preferred it this way.

* * *

He winced, rolling his shoulders just a little to feel the burn and hear the pop of joints realigning.

"I am in," he said matter-of-factly, "a fair amount of pain." All his own fault, of course. He certainly couldn't blame the other Lightbearer for his enthusiasm, he'd known what he was doing. But god, did he ache. "But other than that, can't complain." He quirked his eyebrows slightly. "Kids glad to be back in the game?" They really liked throwing themselves headfirst into danger, didn't they? Hopefully it was the challenge they were looking for. Let 'em grow somewhere safer than the wild space the two of them had had to use.

A thought occurred to him. "Wait, come on in. No point standing around out here." Mostly because he trusted his own four walls more than the corridor not to be listened in on.

* * *

A very complicated expression passed over the Drifter's face - God, just the idea that the man had been hurting and feeling the reminder of what they had done all day long, well, it was enough for his mouth to go dry. He had to blink and chastise himself to get his mind out of the gutter before he could process the hunter's question.

"Yeah, they were pretty into it." He admitted with a nod. "Good to get things goin' again there."

Tithe was starting to flow in again, balancing nourishment for the thing inside him, and he could feel the effects of it already just after a day of matches. More focused, more powerful.

The hunter's next words were a surprise, and he hesitated for a moment. "Sure, uh. Where are we goin'?"

* * *

Oh. Yeah, right. He'd never actually seen where the vanguard had set Shin up, had he? Not his fault the Derelict was way more homey, even if it froze his fingers off every time they were up there.

Nodding his head, he indicated the door two down from where the Drifter was stood. "'S just through there. Wanted me close enough to the action, I guess." Way too close. He dreaded the day any of the kids figured out he was ten minutes’ walk away from the more populated areas of the Tower.

Moving forward, he didn't wait to see if the Drifter was coming with, instead opening the door and moving down the corridor it hid until hitting his bedroom. "Think I still got some of your clothes 'n shit if you still want them."

* * *

Drifter felt himself flush immediately, feeling a little humiliated, learning that he had been basically stood outside the man's room like an asshole. "Seems like it. I had no idea."

He knew they had given Shin a room in the Tower, of course, but he had supposed it was something a bit higher class than your standard issue guardian barracks. Drifter, still a bit confused but mostly just curious, followed Shin readily until they got to what seemed to be the man's bedroom.

Having had no idea what to expect, he knew right away this wasn't it. The room was basically empty. Desk and chair you could find in a million places in the Tower, small bookshelf on the wall, a bed. It was grey and bland, nothing really that would distinguish it from any of the others, except the dark green coat draped over the bed. Drifter had to try very, very hard not to stare at it.

Instead, he turned to look at the hunter. "You _live_ here?"

* * *

"Yeah, think the mortality rate for the hunter one got a bit too high. No-one wanted to clear out Cayde's place, or the kid before him's so..." He gestured to the room. It was snug, sure, but it wasn't like he was using it for much. Sleep, eat if he remembered, lie down and stare at the ceiling trying to keep that other hunger at bay. The rest he... Well, fuck, he guessed he had the Derelict for that. Wasn't that a thought.

The Drifter's face didn't imply that this was one of those situations where Shin was making sense though, and he felt his face flush a little despite not knowing what he was meant to be defensive over.

"What? Can't all have a massive ship like you to knock around in. It's bigger than my normal berth."

* * *

Yeah, the rogue Lightbearer remembered Cayde's place, which was much nicer than this, and actually looked like someone properly lived in it. Fucked up to just close it up and let his things gather dust, if you asked Drifter, but obviously no one did.

Drifter raised an eyebrow. Of course Shin would think that was the issue. "It's empty as shit, Shin. It looks like a property ad for a nondescript room to bring folks back to and kill 'em. Not like some dude's actual place." He shrugged, and, pathetically, couldn't avoid another quick glance towards the coat, swallowing hard as he did.

* * *

He stared at the Drifter, eyes blank and brow creased. It had his clothes, neatly filed away so he could be up and gone real easy each day. Kettle, tiny tabletop burner. Chair, bed, desk. Paperwork. He wasn't missing anything he needed, it was a totally functional room.

He looked around it again. There was some armour next to the bed, stacked against the wall. Other than that and the clothes, it was true that there wasn't really anything that hadn't been there when he moved in. But there was nothing wrong with the thing that had been there, so shifting something like the camp burner from his ship over here would be pointless.

"I..." He frowned, looking for some words to try bridge the disconnect between the two of them. "I don't really have a bunch of stuff to stick in this place anyway." The Derelict was messy, piled high with pieces of salvage and random mementos and things that Shin couldn't even begin to guess at. He shrugged, filling the heater and switching it on. "Guess I'm not in the habit of keepin' anything I can't keep on me." Learned that lesson easy back at Palamon.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer, who had rooms full of scavenged loot he hadn't even looked at for centuries, because you never knew when something might be useful, had to make quite the effort to see things from the hunter's point of view. "Fair enough. Still, could use some decoratin', I guess. 'S depressin'."

Maybe he just didn't like the idea of the hunter alone in this desolate bedroom, he guessed. The idea pushed him to blurt something out before he could start to overthink it, eyes pinned on the floor. "Y'can keep my clothes 'n stuff, if ya want." Hand did a small wave to indicate the coat on the bed.

* * *

Shrugging, the vanguard tried not to feel defensive about the place. "S'just for sleeping in, if I'm paying attention to how it looks it means I need to get out of it." But yeah, sure. It wasn't a great place to be. Didn't matter, did it? Wasn't like he was sticking around forever. He settled down, maybe he'd give the place a lick of paint or something. "You got some stuff you wanna stick in here be my guest, otherwise it's got everything I can put in it."

The Drifter's offer was a kind one, probably. A little pitying, maybe, but Shin wouldn't hold it again him.

"Bud, you thought you were getting that coat back in the first place then you thought wrong." He grinned, teeth sharp. Shouldn't have left it with him if he wasn't meant to keep it.

* * *

Hearing that, he had to look back at the hunter, one side of his mouth quirking up when he saw the expression of his face.

"Shoulda known." He had enough coats, and he realised he would have given any of them to Shin if he only asked anyway. Ah, damn it. "But I wouldn't have read ya as the type to keep trophies, Malphur."

It was weak teasing, but it still helped the Drifter feel more at ease. He walked around a bit, closer to the desk.

* * *

Shin tilted his head to one side, smile turning a little less pointed. "Guess you don't know me that well then." He raised one hand, rubbing absently at his sternum where the shard of Thorn had burned for what seemed like aeons before finally taking. "Not many, but a few."

He couldn't have admitted that the next words queueing up on his tongue were 'just the ones which matter' if his life had depended on it. Couldn't even figure out if this was a Thorn kind of trophy, a Last Word kind, or something else entirely. But there was a reason he wanted to keep it, he guessed, and not just because it was warm and this room got cold on winter nights. Possibly it was audible in his voice. He shrugged easily, pulled two of the generic blank Tower mugs out of the cupboard.

"You want tea or coffee?"

* * *

He didn't know how to respond to that, or the tone of his voice, like leaving something unsaid. Drifter had to basically force himself to stop thinking about it and tell himself to stop making a big deal out of stuff. It probably meant nothing. Tower got cold too.

"Uh, tea would be nice." Didn't keep any up on the Derelict, so it had been a very long time since he had any. Drifter watched the hunter starting to prepare the hot drinks, leaning back slightly on the desk, one hand on the edge of it, and the other one quickly grabbing a penknife from its surface, getting it into one of his pockets with ease.

* * *

Busying himself making the drinks, Shin tried not to think too hard about how it felt having the Drifter in his room. It was, well. He wasn't too attached to it, sure. But in the past couple weeks it had been the one place where he could close the door and finally be alone with his thoughts. Folks here might not respect the sanctity of a man sitting alone with a coffee, but they weren't going to follow him home. It was his, even if it was just a bed and four walls.

And, well. Here was the Drifter. Not up in his ship like old times, back before this had all taken off. Just, with him. In his bedroom. Waiting for a cup of tea. No real ulterior motive, or at least he thought not. Didn't know how to feel about that, really. He turned, mug held gingerly in one hand and proffered handle-first to the other man.

"Just black I'm afraid, but I got sugar if you want." He... didn't actually know how the Drifter took tea. Huh. Felt like one of those things he should've found out at some point, but they just hadn't had any. He gestured to the bed, motioning the man to sit down if he wanted.

* * *

Drifter took the mug from the hunter, one hand on the handle, the other one wrapping around it and just lingering on Shin's fingers for a moment. He took a sip. "Nah, it's good like that. Thank you."

He sat down on the bed, body language just a little too hesitant and careful. It wasn't all from being in Shin's room for the first time, Drifter just was not used to actual proper beds at all. Felt unstable, too soft, even if he knew it was just the shitty standard issue mattress everyone probably got.

* * *

It was so stupid how those moments of lingering contact still gave Shin a rush. It was the potential, he supposed. The way this thing between them was developing, it was hard to tell what was and wasn't innocent. He swallowed, moved to cradle his own coffee between both hands.

Sitting down beside him, he nudged the Drifter gently. "It's not going to eat you," he promised. Paused. "Is that in bad taste? Never had to deal with that one before."

* * *

A shrug, chuckling. "How the hell should I know? Ya think I deal with the situation much?" But it did get him to sit back on the bed a bit more comfortably. Wasn't too bad, he supposed. He was also glad Shin could make references to that whole thing that wasn't just moping around about being a monster. Liked this better.

Drifter drank some more of his tea. It wasn't bad, but he kinda thought the taste was just too much like weird coffee, which probably was the reason he had stopped drinking it in the first place.

* * *

A performance was made of looking the Drifter over, then looking down at himself. Then back at the Drifter, raising his eyebrows. The implication of which one of them seemed more plausibly likely to have encountered this was clear. He took a sip of coffee instead of replying, eyes amused and dark.

Shifting, he winced just a little as another spike of pain ran through him. Bad angle, evidently. He wanted to lean into the Drifter, let him take some of the weight on him. He'd be comfortable, Shin was sure. Certainly was in bed, exhausted though he usually was then. Maybe he'd be good even when Shin was just bored and being clingy for no real reason.

* * *

He sighed, theatrical. "Yeah, yeah, I get it." That was fair enough. Just another reason the entire situation had some sort of dark humour to it. Really, you kinda had to laugh if you didn't want to just lose your fucking mind over it.

When the other man winced, Drifter just raised his hand without thinking, touched his cheek softly, frowning slightly. "You ok?" He remembered how Shin had said he was in pain before, now finding it just a little concerning instead, feeling responsible for it.

* * *

The coffee cup froze halfway to Shin's lips as the Drifter's hand came to rest on his cheek. He met the other man's gaze, eyes going just a little wide. Took a moment for the words he'd spoken to actually filter through, focused as he was on the thumb brushing against his cheekbone and the crease of the man's forehead.

"What?" He said, before blinking. "Oh, yeah. Just, uh." He tried to think of a polite way to say 'my ass is kind of ruined right now and we both know why.' He came up blank, so just shrugged ever so slightly. "Sore."

* * *

"Yeah. Sorry." Drifter quickly took his hand back, looked away from that widened gaze. Fuck, he was being an idiot again, right? Just had to go and make it weird because he could not keep his damn hands to himself.

Awkwardly, he just drank his tea, looking at the opposite corner of the room. The weight of the penknife burned in his pocket. Maybe that had been a stupid fucking idea too. Maybe he could return it somehow, without Shin noticing?

* * *

Shin tried not to show the loss he felt as the Drifter drew away again, dropping his gaze back to his coffee cup. Stupid, stupid. Couldn't even cope with a little contact without getting all starry-eyed over it and making things weird. He sighed, muffling the sound in his drink. Should've just stayed still and sucked it up, instead of being all soft and stupid.

His hands flexed around the cup. Shin wanted some physical, what? Affection? Contact? At this point, he thought he might settle for a slap in the face as long as it lasted long enough.

"It's not-" he stopped, frustrated, closed his eyes for a moment. "It's not a problem. It's... Good?"

* * *

Focusing on the tea did mean that he finished it extremely quickly, and had to leave the empty cup to the side on the floor.

Drifter listened to the hunter tilting his head slightly. He thought it was good? Maybe he was misunderstanding how the man was feeling at the moment as well. Emboldened by the closed eyes, not having that dark gaze heavy on him, Drifter dared to raise a hand to Shin's shoulder, then stroking down his arm. "I'm. I'm glad it ain't too bad then."

* * *

Shin nearly dropped his cup at the unexpected contact, but managed to keep himself together. He nearly opened his eyes, but. Well, he remembered the blindfold from before. Maybe he just wanted to narrow the world down to the way the Drifter felt and sounded, without everything else pressing in. He dropped his head a little, leaning into the touch just a little and shivering as it moved.

How to phrase it? He realised he was taking a while to reply, but the wording was hard to work out even in his own head.

"It was just... It hurt, sure, but I just kept thinking about it hours later. Trying not to let on." He swallowed. "That was, uh. That was good."

* * *

Oh, thank god. He knew enough about Shin's physical cues now to recognise that he did want to be touched. Drifter slid closer on the bed, and kept that hand softly stroking the hunter's arm while the other one went back to his cheek again, thumb feeling the cheekbone slowly.

He took a breath, hesitated a little. "I was thinking about it all day. Couldn't concentrate on Gambit at all." He finally admitted, voice lowering.

* * *

Eyelids fluttered as the hand came back to rest on his face, but Shin managed to keep them closed. He wasn't sure what he'd see on the other man's face, if it'd be lust or affection or concern. He tilted his head a little, letting it rest in the Drifter's hand, and brought his own hand up to lie on top of the Drifter's. Ran a thumb over his knuckles, appreciative and soft.

The mental image of the Drifter in his little control room, barely even paying attention to the violence as he remembered the way Shin had felt around him... Well. It did something to him that he didn't want to analyse too closely and just enjoyed instead. He shivered, legs spreading just a little on the bed until his knee brushed the Drifter's.

"Kept thinking everyone could tell," he breathed. "Like it was written on me."

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer was breathing softly, carefully, like he was afraid of spooking the hunter if any sounds of movements were too sudden or loud. This was the most affectionate they had been outside of the context of sex or violence, and he was almost scared it would be too fragile and he would break it without meaning to.

He moved up a bit closer, so their legs would be pressed together as their knees had touched, and the arm that had been on Shin's wrapped itself now around the hunter's shoulders. "Then they would know how you took me for your own."

* * *

The arm around his shoulders, pulling him in ever so slightly... God, that felt good. Some of the seething beneath his skin that had come from a full day of _everyone_ watching him settled, just a little. Exhaling slowly, Shin put the now-empty mug down.

Leaning in, he dropped his hand to rest on the Drifter's leg where it was pressed against his own. "Yeah," he managed, voice a little rough. "I... Really wanted 'em to."

Fuck, what was this? He wanted to wrap himself around the Drifter, keep him here and just stay like this with him. Not even have sex, just... Stay. Here, like this. In this shitty box room, the two of them pressed together. He hadn't signed up for any of this when he first turned up, but he couldn't exactly say he didn't want it regardless.

"What are we?" He asked aloud, opening his eyes. Maybe the answer would hurt, but it would keep killing him not to know.

* * *

Drifter froze, even stopped breathing for a moment. The question was unexpected, even though maybe it shouldn't have been. He realised he had just assumed... Well, that Shin wouldn't want to talk about it. That he'd be happiest with leaving whatever they had unnamed and taking whatever he wanted out of Drifter, until he inevitably got bored of him. And that was the best case scenario his mind had imagined.

But looking at the hunter now, leaning close, all gentle intimacy and sincerity, well. That changed things. The Lightbearer softened again, using the hand on Shin's face to move him just enough for their eyes to meet, and his lips curved in a smile that warmed his eyes. "Honestly, Shin? Anythin' you want."

* * *

He hadn’t been expecting that, somehow. What he _had_ been expecting, he really couldn’t say. Not to be given free reign over something he didn’t understand though. Not that. The Drifter’s eyes were strange, no danger in them. No threat, like if Shin pulled a gun he wouldn’t see it coming ‘til he was already dead. He closed his eyes again, forcibly blotting out that terrible responsibility and trying desperately to think.

What did he want? He wanted this. Sex, yes. God, when he saw the way the other man looked at him, he definitely wanted sex. And hurt, sure. And this was... this weird middle space, where they weren’t intent on anything but were just enjoying each other, like that night with the takeout. This hurt in its own way, sure, but he wanted it. And that was as much of an answer as he had, really.

Opening his eyes again, he let himself shift gently against the Drifter. Just a little, enough to ground him. “I’m thinking I want everything we’ve been doing,” he admitted, “and more of it. Much as you’ll give me, I guess.” Hmm. It was to some extent pure pathetic neediness, but if the Drifter hadn’t known that he should by now.

* * *

Unable to help it, the Drifter smiled in earnest now, feeling some kind of mix of relief and excitement. Shin wanted what they had been doing. Not only that, he wanted _more_.

"I'm not sure what 'more' looks like for you." He started, slowly. It was hard not to let all the emotion he was feeling show in his voice. Didn't want to be too much, still self-conscious about his place even now. It felt easier if he just tried to speak the truth plainly. "But I said anythin', and I mean it. As much as you want, as well." A pause, as he realised he had put all the weight of the decision on the other man, almost assumed his own desires were obvious. "I really want that as well."

* * *

'Anything' very rarely actually meant 'anything'. Shin trusted, sure, stupid though it might be. But 'anything' was too big for either of them to offer, and the Drifter kept trying. Maybe he thought it was true, who could say. He managed a slight quirk of the lips, an exhalation.

"More is just. More, I guess. Doing what we've done again, doing it different, doing things we haven't done." He shrugged. "Just don't wanna wake up and get kicked out unless there's a damn good reason, you know?" He was well aware that the shine of Shin fuckin Malphur tended to wear off pretty quick once people'd spent enough time to get bored or scared or bitter. He wasn't that good at existing around people up close, it was what the extra faces were for. Keep it distant. Orsa, Vale, the Renegade, people didn't get close enough to rub the paint off and see Shin rusting through. The Drifter had seen more of all of him than most without leaving, but surely that meant he had to be close to capacity.

* * *

"More sounds good." He said, moving the hand from his face to brush the man's dark hair away from his forehead, in a gesture that hopefully read as reassuring.

Blinking in slight confusion, Drifter did his best to process the hunter's next words. "I wouldn't kick ya out. Shin, if I gotta be honest here, I wouldn't mind if you never left." Right, well, there it was. Not quite 'move in with me' but not too far removed either. Hopefully enough to make his stance clear without freaking him out.

* * *

A ripple of something warm and aching ran through him at the tiny movement. For a moment he wanted the Drifter to stop, because this softness couldn't be good for either of them when the world was out there ending. He couldn't help but lean into it though, and hang the consequences.

The other man's words took a moment to slot into place; he had to twist and turn them to make them fit into his head. Didn't quite make sense, until he looked at them right. Nodding slowly, his hand tensed on the Drifter's wrist in the lightest of squeezes. "Wouldn't mind that either, if we're being honest. But... That changes, I'd appreciate knowing." It would change, of course. But it might hurt less this way. Not as little as if he stood up right now and walked the hell out, but... Less.

* * *

Drifter ran his hand back through the hunter's hair, leaned in to kiss his forehead. "Sure, you got a deal."

What he really wanted to do was reassure him that it wouldn't change, insist until the man believed him, but he was beginning to understand Shin's mind didn't work that way. That was alright with him - They could take it one day at a time, and he would show him, until Shin realised on his own. Or until Shin was the one to change his mind, he guessed.

* * *

There. A bit more realistic, that. He sighed, dropping his head down onto the Drifter's shoulder and let himself be touched and caressed. Running his thumb in circles around the Drifter's knee, over the bones of his wrist. It wasn't much of a reciprocation, but it was the best he could manage at the moment.

"I 'preciate that," he told the other man, voice low and rough, tilting his head to press a kiss to his neck. He'd let him do whatever he wanted to him right now, he thought. Kiss him, kill him. All as good as each other.

* * *

He exhaled, feeling warmth spread from the contact of lips on his neck, closing his eyes for a moment just to let himself enjoy it. The hand he'd had around Shin's shoulders went down to his lower back, to get some more leverage so he could pull the man closer and almost on top of him, as Drifter sat further back in the bed with his back against the wall. He just wanted to keep the hunter close and find a comfortable position for him.

"Is this ok?" He asked, not wanting to make his soreness any worse.

* * *

A noise of contentment escaped his lips, letting himself be pressed closer to the other man. Knees curled towards his chest, practically lying in the Drifter's lap, he stretched just a little to enjoy the way the warm body felt beneath him.

"Yeah," he replied, voice thick with the slow movement of the hand in his hair. He had his own arms wrapping around the softer middle of the Lightbearer, secure. "Bit more than ok." He'd die here and die happy, warm and safe.

* * *

"Hmm." The rogue Lightbearer hummed his approval, and, hand going to rest at the back of Shin's neck, he gently used it to tilt the man's head until he only had to lean down a little to kiss him.

The one at his lower back found its way under the hunter's shirt, stroking up the skin on his back with light fingertips. Drifter stopped the kiss for a moment to whisper against his lips. "I wanna make ya feel good, Shin."

* * *

Melting into the kiss, Shin moved with the Drifter for a better angle, climbing a little further into the Drifter's lap so he could be more easily on access. The hand at the back of his neck was doing funny things to him, the carefully tender movements in harmony with the Drifter's control. Gave him a little difficulty thinking as the little shivers ran through him.

The teasing brushes to his back were maddening, so different from the firm contact he was otherwise getting, and it took all his self-control not to squirm beneath them.

"You're, ah. You're doing a pretty good job so far" he spread his fingers, taking in the feel of the Drifter's torso beneath him. Softer than it used to be. That was... Good, that was real good.

* * *

Drifter smiled against the hunter's mouth and then kissed him again, more passionate this time that he knew his advances were welcomed. The hand at his back retreated to go start working on the buttons at the front instead, getting distracted halfway by stopping to trace the line of the man's collarbones.

It felt good to be able to be together like this, unhurried, comfortable. Like he didn't have to get right down to business for his presence to feel accepted and worthwhile.

* * *

Oh, right answer it seemed. He made a noise of quiet approval in the back of his throat, lazily rolling his hips against the Drifter as he deepened the kiss. He still stung a little as he moved, but it was enjoyable enough as a counterpoint to the gentle touches.

He drew his hands back, a little more concerned with getting the other man's layers off. The Drifter had a terrible habit of staying mostly clothed, and Shin didn't intend to indulge it. He wanted to be able to drink in the other man without him being covered in someone's blood.

* * *

God, that was good. Drifter shifted just a little to be able to meet the rolling of Shin's hips against him, and let the man start undressing him as he pleased. The Lightbearer remembered a comment he had made a little while back about seeing Drifter naked more, and that was just fine as far as he was concerned.

Well, as long as Shin wasn't too distracted to keep at it, of course. With some regret, he withdrew from that lovely mouth, but immediately dipped his head down to be able to start planting little kisses on the hunter's sensitive neck.

* * *

He groaned, fingers stuttering as they worked on the coat fastening. That was... Very hard to focus with, to the point where his toes were curling and he couldn't keep back the occasional whimper. Swallowing, he redoubled his efforts and managed to get the first layer off him. Not much, but a better look at his frame. A little more sensitivity. And well, it might be somewhat against the spirit of the lazy tenderness, but if his ability to task focus would get him more skin then he'd use what he had.

Didn't stop him from letting himself melt into it, head dropping back to enjoy the feeling of beard scruff against his neck. He pressed a little harder against the Drifter, teasing in his own turn. Let him feel the way Shin was moving against him, too light to be substantive but firmly enough to be noticeable.

* * *

Seemed like this talented hunter of his was determined to let nothing stop him. Drifter kept alternating between nuzzling at the neck, kissing and mouthing at the skin of it, and sucking at it long and slow. In between them, he kept ghosting his lips over Shin's carotid artery, just to feel his quick pulse.

"You are so beautiful. Perfect." Drifter said, a little breathless. The man really knew how to move, how to tease him back to truly get him going, fuck.

* * *

The Drifter wore. Too. Many. Layers. He stripped away the breastplate the man was wearing, tossing it off to one side and leaving him in his shirt. Good. The final layer, he was a little less business-like for. Part of it was that every time the Drifter went back to that one spot on his neck that was going to be hickied to hell and back, it grew somehow more sensitive. He was at the point of stifling his little gasps and groans behind a lightly bitten lip.

One button. Then another, another reveal of tan skin and dark hair. He began running fingers lightly down as he drank in more and more of the Drifter's body. "Speak for yourself," he managed, voice erring into the territory of reverence. This was his. _'Anything'_. This body, given to him and his given to the other. He shuddered at it, met the Drifter's eye and couldn't keep back the intensity of those thoughts from his face.

"You." Is all he could manage to get out, hoping like hell that it conveyed even a fraction of what he meant. The choice that it was.

* * *

Maybe, just _maybe_, he should rethink his wardrobe a little bit. Less layers. It was starting to get maddening for himself as well, skin feeling too hot against the fabric, pants all too tight. And then finally, the cool air and Shin's deft fingers and those _eyes_ drinking him in, making him feel incredibly exposed even just like this. Dark eyes meeting his own and knocking the air out of him in their intensity.

He didn't know how to name what he saw reflected in them, but god, he loved being looked at like this, he loved Shin's voice all rough with that indescribable emotion.

Drifter wanted to know, he wanted to ask and make the hunter explain, best as he could, but he didn't dare. Instead, he corrected, "Yours", and casually finished taking his shirt off with a practiced shrug.

* * *

He couldn't keep back the moan that those words inspired, a pulse of desire and lightheaded satisfaction running through him. His. Shin didn't know how to process the concept; ownership had always come to him through the kind of death that stuck, had never come free and willing. He just looked at the Drifter's face, that fervent look of excitement, and hoped that one day he'd understand.

He didn't waste any time once he'd managed to get his head into gear, already bent over and kissing his way along soft skin. Lathing his tongue along the dip of his shoulder, running gentle thumbs against the length of his collarbones as he pressed light kisses and licks to the chest and neck. He paused in his progress at one of the Drifter's nipples, licking tentatively at it before pressing his mouth over the raised flesh and sucking in an attempt to tease just a few noises out of the man, even as his hands dipped lower to begin work on his lover's pants.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer arched himself into Shin's attentions, breath growing heavy. He knew the hunter had quite the mouth on him, but _damn_. The way he used it here, combined with those exploring hands, it was almost too much. It kept becoming harder not to basically writhe under the touch, soft murmured swears turning into little growls and moans as Shin reached his nipple, face flushing embarrassingly hard, eyes fluttering shut.

"Ah, that- that's perfect." A hand shakily pet Shin's head, fingers running through messy hair. Fuck, but the man was good at finding and focusing on his weaknesses, huh.

* * *

Oh, that was what he was looking for. Those noises, the way his body responded so well to what Shin was doing. He had to struggle not to press himself up against the Drifter, not to search for whatever friction he could get. Slow, come on now. He could do slow. Pulling off, he blew gently on the reddened flesh just to watch it pebble and harden. The other nipple he played with between the spit-slicked fingers of his other hand, tugging and teasing without that wet heat.

One handed, he'd just about managed to undo the fastenings of the Drifter's pants, beginning the inelegant process of pulling them down and off so that all he was left in was his underclothes. He palmed the Drifter through damp cloth, running fingers lightly over the fabric and kissing his way down the man's belly without ever actually taking him out. He would be kind soon, he would, he wanted those hands to keep moving in his hair and wanted to be told he was doing well. He just... Wanted to tease a little first.

* * *

Drifter was certain he was going to lose his goddamn mind if Shin kept this up for too much longer. He grunted as Shin took his pants off and amped up the teasing, bit his lip to quiet himself, hand twitching a little in the man's hair.

He could be patient, let Shin have his fun. It _was_ nice, he just needed to breathe, get a hold of himself. "You know, ah. Exactly how to push my buttons, darlin'." Drifter said, voice appreciative, half playful and half praise.

* * *

Tilting his head this way and that to feel the hand in his hair move, Shin did everything but purr. He certainly looked smug enough, nuzzling his way down the Drifter's body, every once in a while looking up as if to check - yes, the Drifter was watching, _yes_ he was doing well - as he mouthed against the fabric of his underwear and the hardness beneath. The material was already salty, damp, but thin enough that the press of Shin's mouth and movement of his tongue mad things more intense. Making a noise of appreciation, tongue flicking out to taste the head of the Drifter's cock through the material, Shin loved the way the Drifter moved and looked.

Slowly, tenderly, he pulled the other man out of his boxers and pressed his lips to the head. Just letting it rest there, all promise, for a long moment. He kissed it lightly, before opening his mouth and taking the very tip of the Drifter's cock into his mouth. It sat there, and Shin looked him in the eye. Permission, appreciation. He wanted to be seen, touched even as he pleasured the Lightbearer.

* * *

The slow teasing might be hard to deal with, but it was oh so worth it just to watch Shin like this, looking downright filthy, like he just couldn't wait to taste him. Working up to it at a pace that left him aching, the muscles on his thighs trembling.

Still, he kept the hold on the hunter's hair tender, an encouragement, but not guiding or pushing him at all. Seeing Shin take the initiative, in this slow soft way for once, was too wonderful to mess up - He would absolutely hate to ruin it. Would hate to miss on something so heartbreakingly perfect as that look his hunter gave him when he finally took some of him into his mouth, leaving Drifter absolutely weak, muttering _fuck, yes, yes_ and using his free hand to massage appreciative circles into Shin's shoulder blade.

* * *

Hmm. The hand in his hair was good, made it hard to think properly. It was just there, on the edge of his mind. Not immediate, just... present. Grounding. He closed his eyes, hand on his back pressing encouragement and want in equal measure, and licked tentatively at the slit in his mouth. Tasted like he remembered it, albeit with a little less blood this go 'round.

Running one appreciative fingertip down the underside of the shaft and below to trace those sensitive areas, Shin closed his lips around the head and took just a little more in. Just enough that there was a thick weight on his tongue, mouth pleasantly filled even if he was nowhere near the point of discomfort. He contented himself with licking, sucking gently and playing fingertips over the length of him. He looked back up, checking. Good?

* * *

Aw, hell. It was impossible now to keep quiet, broken little sounds escaping his throat at the stimulation of over-aroused, sensitive flesh. It was so clear by the way he kept looking up to search for approval, which was plainly written all across the Drifter's face, that Shin wanted so badly to make him feel good.

It was stunning. Pleasure already building up, Drifter could only stare with fierce appreciation, reverence. The hands on the other man became tender anchors, keeping him grounded, tied to the reality of him, instead of being washed away by the intense emotion and pleasure.

* * *

It was a little work not to glow, to keep a lock down on his light rather than just letting it flow through him when he was so _there_ in his own body. The noises the Drifter was making were beautiful, a loss of control that he couldn't help but preen over a little. He was doing this. Emboldened, he took more of him down, working his throat as open as he could to swallow the length of him down until his forehead was brushing the Drifter's belly and he could only stay there. He couldn't breathe like this, always a little worried that he'd shift wrong and choke or hurt the other, but the movements of his throat and jaw as he tried to maintain some equilibrium seemed to do the trick well enough.

Sliding back off again, he gasped for breath, kissing apologetically along the side of it. Not normally one to shy from a little pain or choking, but it felt a little out of place here. He'd happily pass out around the Drifter's cock another time, but for now he'd have to make it up with technique.

* * *

Drifter couldn't help getting more vocal as the hunter took him in completely, the forehead touching against his skin setting him on fire, small movements and shifts of the wet heat enveloping him so completely sending stunning waves of pleasure through his core, which had him blinking back tears. He wanted his vision clear, would hate to miss a single moment.

"God, you were made for this, you are so perfect, ah, fuck, Shin-" The small kisses to his side had him trailing off into a moan.

He tried to show his appreciation with his hands, sweet and trembling, and the look in his eyes, but it didn't feel anywhere near enough for what he was actually feeling.

* * *

The noises he made in response to the praise would probably have been embarrassing had he been less intent on his work, small and delighted and oddly proud. The Drifter looked ruined, barely able to hold himself together and Shin had never seen anything more beautiful. Something crawling in the depths of him was terrified, unable to cope with the depth and scale of what was happening between the two of them. The rest was subsumed, just wanting to keep going and bring the man before him to sobbing completion.

The second attempt, he went slowly. Inch by inch, feeling the stretch and press against his jaw, oh so careful as he worked further down. It was a little easier with more time to get used to it, the angle perfect as he hollowed his cheeks and took the last inch of him. He was wet, spit spilling down his chin as he moved. Slowly, he placed his hand on top of the Drifter's. Not pressing, just. Holding it there, a thumb running over the knuckles.

* * *

There was nothing else in the universe, nothing that could matter beyond the two of them, joined like this, Shin taking him in so tender and deep, taking so much care in treating him right, making him enjoy it.

And fuck, Drifter was glad to be reduced to incoherence at the moment, unable to speak aloud the kind of rapid-fire thoughts going through his mind right now, because otherwise he knew he might have said something _real_ fucking stupid and drastic and needy. Safer to turn all those feelings into wordless vocalisations of adoration, over and over until his throat was hoarse with it.

* * *

It was time, Shin thought, to give the man what he wanted. Carefully, slowly at first, he began to move. Sliding back and forth, the first few passes oh so controlled to avoid any scrapes or jolts and growing in confidence as things failed to go wrong. The Drifter had been so careful, not even moving against his mouth, and he wanted to make that feel worthwhile as he swallowed and swallowed against the length in his throat, gasping for breath in the shallower moments.

His other hand slid down, fingers trailing down to find his entrance and just play lightly around the edge of it. The Drifter had been so good to him, all Shin could think about was making him happy. Getting more and more of those noises from him, every one wrapping right around his spine and pulling at it.

* * *

It should have been impossible for what he was feeling to escalate any more, but then the hunter started bobbing up and down his length and creating the most delightful friction with every slide.

Drifter found it impossible to keep himself still any longer, and quickly settled into a rhythm of small rolling motions, letting the hand interlocked with Shin's hair tell him how the man was moving and guide his own movements, rather than the other way around. Just a complement to the contact, not chasing it or pushing it further.

He could hear his own noises stagger, getting higher pitched as Shin's other hand found yet another sensitive spot to work at. God, he really was not going to last much longer like this.

* * *

Oh, there it was. A little challenge, just enough to work with what Shin had going. Meant that when his lips brushed against the base of him, it felt just ever so slightly too much in that way he loved. The hand on his head made little movements, almost involuntary but still enough to send shivers down his spine and have him moaning around the Drifter, moving faster.

The hand he'd been using to tease shifted, running quickly along the exposed length of cock to slick itself on drool and precum before returning wet to its original target. Running wet fingers over that stretch of skin, he rubbed lightly at the hole with the ball of his thumb. The tiniest stretch, just enough stimulation to add to everything else going on.

* * *

There were tears running down his cheeks, he was pretty sure now, as Drifter breathed out broken little sobs in between gasps for air, shifting to push himself down on Shin's finger just a little bit more, just enough to feel the burn and stretch of it, and yeah, god, that was going to be his undoing.

One hand sliding to the nape of his neck, the other one desperately grabbing at the man's shoulder in the only warning he could manage, Drifter whined loud and jerked his hips in stuttering thrusts, coming down Shin's throat.

* * *

He did his best to swallow against the jerking movement, already low on breath but wanting to help the Drifter ride it through as best he could. A little escaped into the mess on his face, but Shin kept his position, kept his mouth around the gradually softening length and his hands where they were. On some level, waiting for permission to stop. On another, he... Well. He liked where he was. If the Drifter had really wanted him to, he'd stay there until the other man was ready to go again.

The hand at the back of his neck felt safe, secure and grounding when his heart was beating fit to burst. He was painfully aroused, enough so that any real contact might have hurt, but he wasn't concerned with it at that moment. Shin just revelled in the knowledge of a job well done, that he'd been good.

* * *

Drifter felt weak in the absolute best way, like every single shred of tension had gone out of him, left his muscles relaxed and almost unable to support his own weight. His back slid off the wall to have him completely lying down on his side on the bed now, and he gathered the last of his strength to pull Shin up beside him, pull him in into a full, open mouth kiss. Tasting himself and licking the mess out of the hunter's face.

He wanted to shower him in praise and compliments, explain how good that felt, but being able to put worlds together was still a bit beyond his capabilities at the moment. Instead he hoped the kiss, the hand still gently caressing the back of his neck, were enough to make him understand some of it.

* * *

Shin went easily, moving to meet the Drifter and yielding with a shiver to the kiss. He missed the weight and feel of looking up at the Drifter just a little, but being moved by the hand on the back his neck was so good that it blanked him out just a little. He curled into the rogue's body, drinking in the glide of skin on skin and a warm chest against his hand.

He'd done well, he'd done very well and the Drifter was happy. He felt good, the both of them felt very good and honestly that was all he had wanted. He sighed contentedly into the kiss, eyes closing for just a moment to let himself feel everything.

* * *

He kept kissing Shin, lazy and slow, as his hands worked at undressing the man. Still dazed in the aftermath of his release, Drifter didn't work very efficiently, stopping to run his fingers over any new area of skin, a methodical, almost worship-like exploration of the hunter's entire body.

Once he had finally, finally gotten rid of all the layers, Drifter stopped the kiss, with no small amount of loss, but he wanted to be able to concentrate for this, and he knew he wouldn't be able if he was thinking about that lovely soft mouth on his, and where it had just been. He gently manhandled the hunter so he'd be on his side, back flush against the Drifter's chest, one arm pulling him in close into that spooning position, the other one going over his waist, fingertips tracing light circles in his stomach before inching down.

* * *

If Shin focused on every new touch and caress, he might well pass out from the overstimulation. Instead he just focused on the kiss, on the firmer movements as he was moved and manipulated so that his clothes could be taken off him. He helped inasmuch as he could, but being moved around had its own pleasure in it and he thought the Drifter might be happy to indulge him. Those fingers running all over him though, seeking out every sensitive spot and making it known... He couldn't help making little noises wherever the Drifter stumbled upon some patch of skin that could make him stutter and shake, and he knew they were being noted by those dark eyes.

It was when the Drifter flipped him, pressed him close to his chest with an arm wrapped around him. That was when Shin lost a little of himself to the blank floating calm that liked to overtake him. The teasing made him squirm, bare back pressed up against the Drifter and tiny noises of want spilling out of him, but the arm keeping him secure and protected was incredible.

* * *

Shin had been so good to him, and all the rogue Lightbearer wanted was return the favour, keep him close and hear the hunter make all manner of lovely little noises he could feel reverberate against his own skin.

Leisurely fingers traced the length of Shin's hardness, as if getting a feel for it, or memorising its shape, its outline. Drifter threw a leg over Shin's, interlacing them together even further, just before he leaned down a little to press his lips against the back of Shin's neck, where the skin was already sensitive from his previous caresses.

* * *

One hand fisted the bedsheet, fabric crumpling beneath his hand as Shin jerked in the Drifter's grip. Every touch another whimper or moan, hips twitching ever so slightly against a total lack of friction. He still hurt, just a little, aching from before but he was pressed flush against the Drifter and that only made it worse. Better? _More_, at any rate, almost so much that the second layer of comfortable restraint pushed him further still into the light airy headspace of pure controlled want.

He pressed gently back against the Drifter, almost unthinking, head tilting and turning for a glimpse of the other Lightbearer, a press of cheek against cheek.

* * *

Shin was already so reactive to his touch, so delightfully needy for it. If he wanted to be a bit more selfish, Drifter knew he could keep teasing the man until he was sobbing and begging, driven mad with want. But he had already been given so much, and it was his turn to give the other man what he needed, make him feel good, cared for. Without getting a proper grip around it, Drifter traced circles with his thumb on the head of Shin's cock, spreading some precum, just for a few moments. Then he raised the hand up to the hunter's face, palm in front of his mouth, and sweetly but firmly instructed him. "C'mon, darlin', lick it. Be a good boy and get it wet for me."

* * *

Shin could barely focus on the hand for a moment, eyes glazed and mind just slightly out of sync with the rest of his body. Almost dreamlike, he raked his teeth over his tongue to make his mouth wet, barely noticing the sting. The hand was solid, salty with sweat and just a little oil in addition to the taste of Shin himself. He did his best, making sure that it was properly wet, sliding his tongue between fingers and across the palm. More jobs, ones he could be good at. The Drifter knew exactly what he needed, and he was giving all of it to him and Shin was so full of everything right now that he might burst.

He wasn't sure how he'd cope if the Drifter kept teasing and playing with him, keeping everything light and making sure that Shin was still and controlled. He'd do it, obviously, but he might slip away entirely into his own head, and the hunter wanted to be there to at least _some_ extent.

* * *

The Lightbearer hummed his approval, nuzzling against Shin's head and kissing his hair. His beautiful boy, doing exactly as he was told. That obviously deserved a reward, and Drifter used the slickness of his hand to coat Shin's entire length before finally wrapping it around him, starting to move it slow and tender, but soon picking up the pace, doing his best to find a good rhythm.

"Is this good? D'ya like this?" He whispered in Shin's ear, voice honey-smooth and low, knowing full well the hunter would be very unlikely to be able to respond with any coherent words.

* * *

Oh, gods. The noise he made was high-pitched and inarticulate, choked off by his own gasp at the voice in his ear and the shivers it sent down his spine. The words barely filtered through as he shuddered and twitched beneath the Drifter's strong hand.

"Plea-" he managed before breaking into a sob, nodding desperately as he bit into his lip. He wanted to press up into the hand, pull away, be pinned or just- do something. But being forced to be as inactive a participant as the Drifter wanted, only do those tasks he was asked or allowed to do, that was good. He swallowed, lips trembling and breath ragged as he attempted to form the answer he'd been asked for. "G... Good." It wasn't even so much a word as a punched-out exhalation with some nods to human speech, but he untensed a little once he'd done as he was asked.

* * *

Fuck, but that was amazing. Just seeing the man go through that amount of effort to get a single word out, all because Drifter had asked it of him. The power could go to a guy's head, it really could. But Drifter didn't take the responsibility that came with it lightly, either. If Shin trusted him to tell him what to do and make it feel good, by the fuckin' Traveller he was going to deliver.

"Well, then show me. Let's get ya movin'." Still speaking against the man's ear, Drifter started moving his own hips, ignoring his own oversensitive flesh, just using his body slotted against Shin's to start moving the hunter onto his hand, encouraging him to fuck it.

* * *

The Drifter's body moving against his own, pressing him forward into the man's hand and back again, that was- The utter lack of control over his own body- Shin could do that ‘til he died, never come and still be content. But he was meant to be moving of his own accord, maybe. Blinking hard, feeling the haze clear a little, he let himself move in time with the Drifter's hips and hand, fucking slowly into the spit-slick palm and letting the Drifter keep talking him through it. He rolled the motion, tilting his head to the side so that the Drifter could get a good view as he'd asked.

Every stroke was at one time too slow and more than he could handle, skin hot and made hotter by the intense contact between the two of them. Hushed gasps and broken noises, face pressing into the bedsheets as he moved and shuddered, toes curling.

* * *

Ah, there he was, finally got him moving a little. Drifter poured murmured praise into his ear, telling him how good he was being, so perfect, so stunningly beautiful like this. He kissed Shin's temple and got him moving just a little faster, continuing to build up on their joint rhythm.

He loved having Shin in his arms like this, guiding the hunter into his own pleasure while holding him close like something precious, something so fiercely cherished, and god, he hoped Shin understood, hoped he could feel it too.

* * *

Shin was floating, moving exactly as the Drifter guided him, letting those honeyed words seep through him. There was a dampness against his face, eyes welling up with the sheer effort and overwhelming nature of it all even as he closed in on that peak. The arm around him and the words in his ear were all that were keeping him grounded, mouth open and gasping, back still pressed up against the Drifter's chest as he tried to maintain any kind of rhythm. The Drifter was being so good to him, hurting and helping him so well that he could barely think, keeping him close and safe. He closed his eyes tightly, sheet tearing just a little in his grasp. God, he was so close.

* * *

The Drifter's entire world was focused on the man in his arms, keyed into every single twitch, gasp and noise, drinking in the feel and the sight of him. If he could have kept Shin there forever, he might have, but Drifter could feel exactly how close the man was to his release, and he wanted so badly to bring him there, give him exactly what he needed.

He kept moving with him, faster. A strong, overwhelming affection and a wild possessive urge overtook the rogue Lightbearer's rational mind, and he felt the power of the Deep flowing through him before he could even think about it, the power of understanding, naming, claiming something as your own and reshaping reality around that claim. He spoke words of power like a prayer, into the core of his lover. "Let me see you come for me now, _O Hunter Mine._"

* * *

He was curled, shaking into the Drifter's chest as he pumped his hand around along sensitive flesh. He moved, gasped, begged without words, almost mindless in his attempts to please and be pleasured. Every action toeing the line between pleasure and pain, everything in him focused on his own pleasure but at the will of another.

And then, those words.

Shin shuddered, shattering apart under the weight of it, coming in the Drifter's hand at the moment he was ordered to. He was barely breathing, unthinking, subsumed in the knowledge of how it felt to be owned so utterly and completely. Unable to keep himself even partially propped up, he just collapsed into the Drifter's arms and tried half-heartedly to breathe.

* * *

The effect was immediate, and Drifter could feel its echoes inside himself, the acceptance of his claim, by triumphant right of taking everything that was offered and _more_, sweet as violence, powerful as death, the body in his arms spent and surrendered and so utterly _his_.

He could kill Shin right now, he knew, a small thought noting an obvious fact. He could let the hunger reach inside and destroy him, make him wormfood.

Instead, Drifter pushed himself up to sit on the bed again, bringing Shin with him, letting him rest on his lap as the Lightbearer used the sheets to gently clean him off.

* * *

The arms holding him were cool and strong, and he couldn't quite keep his body from shaking. The claim kept echoing in his head, resonating through him and binding him in a way he didn't quite understand. Shin just closed his eyes, felt it tug at his throat. He'd let the Drifter do anything at this moment, he realised dizzily, turning his head into the other man and rubbing his cheek muzzily against him.

He tried to form words, ask if he'd been good as usual, but the press against his chest and the fog in his head thickened his tongue and kept his question back. And, for once, he was sure that he'd done well. He wouldn't feel like this if he hadn't surely?

* * *

Drifter brushed sweat-damp hair back tenderly, kissed Shin's cheek, his forehead, wiped the remnants of tears away with his thumb. "Are y'ok?"

The hunter looked so small and exhausted right now, and the Lightbearer was suddenly scared he had accidentally taken too much out of him, pushed him too hard. Wouldn't be the first time he didn't notice as it happened, but he really thought he had been so careful this time.

* * *

It was so hard to pull himself back from that dizzy floating place in his head; it helped that the Drifter wanted something from him, something that he could give if he tried hard enough. Words were still difficult, but he managed a nod. Clear, reassuring.

Arms shaking, he sat up enough to press himself closer into the Drifter's arms, naked and exhausted and wanting to meld himself into the other's body. He pressed a kiss to the rogue's arm, his chest. "So good," he managed, resting his forehead against the cool skin.

* * *

He breathed a sigh of relief. Shin was ok, and what he had done was ok, intense, certainly, but not too much, _good_.

"You were wonderful, darlin'." Drifter said, petting Shin's hair, smoothing it down then casually running fingers through it to mess it up again, playing with it in ways he knew the hunter liked. "Lemme take care of ya. You deserve some rest." A permission to sleep, or just stay like this, whatever the hunter needed, Drifter just wanted to stay and keep him comfortable, safe.

* * *

Shin melted just a little, the hand in his hair dropping him deeper and deeper into that blissed-out barely-thinking state that exhaustion and comfort together produced. He did manage a mumbled "thank you-" that was barely words so much as slurring and affection garbled together into a noise of gratitude. Job done, he simply slipped deeper and deeper until he stopped thinking entirely. Eventually, he moved from that empty mindspace to true sleep.

The next he knew, he was on a vast white plane and everything was falling away from beneath him. Above was a vast emptiness, featureless and blank until something spun him while he fell and perspective shifted in a way that _hurt_ so he could see- he could- he could _see_. It was so large that his entire field of view couldn't encompass it, couldn't show him more than a fraction of its awful bulk even though it was miles away, and Shin couldn't help but howl in pain and grief and watch in horror as it, as if in response, turned with glacial slowness towards him.

He woke, sweat-soaked and shaking and unable to understand even a fragment of what he'd seen.

* * *

Drifter slept and dreamt and saw a repeated, fractured vision of a cosmic horror pushing its way through non-existence into conceptual space into reality, powered by ontological engines that were also jaws shredding dimensional fabric into bloody froth.

He woke up gritting his teeth so hard his jaw ached from the sustained effort of it. Not as bad as it had often been, he just needed to force himself to breathe deeply a couple times, bring himself back to the present, and... Well, that was when he noticed the man still in his arms, shaking in a way that made his heart drop.

"Hey, hey, Shin. I'm here. You alright?" Drifter said, softly, unsure what to expect.

* * *

There was a pressure around him, holding him down and trapping him in this _place_ where everything was incomprehensible. He shook, tasting blood in his mouth and trying so hard to stay still and anchored in this one place for fear that he would open his eyes and find himself falling and tiny and _gone_. He opened his eyes, saw darkness and couldn't keep the strangled scream noise of fear inside. Finally able to move, he jerked back only to find himself on the floor, within four walls and in the light.

Shin froze, trying understand. It wasn't... he'd been elsewhere. Was supposed to be screaming and alone somewhere dark and endless and he couldn't quite bridge the gap in his head.

* * *

The other man reacted to his words like a spooked wild animal, uncomprehending, and Drifter just had to let Shin get away for fear he'd hurt himself thrashing around like that if he tried to hold him there.

Drifter jumped up and off the bed, all steely business and determination, quickly looking around for anything that might help. He saw the dark green coat, grabbed it quickly and fell to his knees on the floor next to the hunter, wrapped him in the heavy fabric. "It's ok, it's ok, you're ok."

* * *

He couldn't move again, tried to struggle against whatever was trapping him but the strength was gone from his limbs. He could only vocalise fear and horror in response, mind still consumed as everything he'd seen tried to shove itself into a skull too small to fit it. He could only sit there, shaking against it all.

Exhaustion and a familiar smell brought him back to reality, face pressed against the fabric of... against fabric, bloodstained and rich with gunsmoke and musk and he _knew_ that smell. The pressure around him resolved into arms, a noise became a voice. He forced his breaths to calm a little, mind shying away from the hurt it had been shredding itself up against.

* * *

Thank god, that seemed to work a little. Drifter brought him closer with gentle but strong, firm movements. Those noises had been heart-breaking, and the rogue Lightbearer was trying really hard not to panic, not to check the man all over for anything possibly causing him pain. His rational mind knew this wasn't physical. Losing his mind with worry wouldn't be helpful right now, when he could focus on being a steadfast, reassuring physical presence.

"There we go. You're safe, Shin. I've got ya." He wasn't sure how much of what he was saying was getting through to the hunter, but hopefully his tone was calming enough.

* * *

A part of him still wanted to break loose, curl up in a corner until everything went away and there was nothing left of him. The rest wanted to cling desperately, put a body between him and that thing out there in the hopes that he couldn't be seen and known. They compromised by just staying still, letting those arms do what they wanted with Shin while watching in pointless terror for when that thing would twist into view and-

He came back to himself; maybe a moment later, maybe hours. Who knew. Nothing had changed though, perhaps he had only lost a little to the dark and vast of it. He curled in on himself, listening to the voice keep talking and filling the air with noise. It was good, in a way. Nothing like the screaming echoing _nothing_ that had almost deafened him. Just, words. Over and over, not too loud. He closed his eyes, tried to keep a semblance of equilibrium. He wasn't there, maybe hadn't even been there. This was his place. His person, he thought vaguely.

* * *

Drifter started stroking circles into his back, over the fabric, over and over again, finding the repetitive motion calming himself too, breathing deeply, slowly.

"You're safe. I would never let anythin' happen to you, I would do anythin' for you, anythin' to keep you safe, I promise." It was a stream of consciousness linking dangerously to his most direct thoughts, though Drifter couldn't get himself to worry about that at the moment.

* * *

Gradually, Shin managed to claw his way back to the surface. The hand against his back started to soothe, to feel less alien as his body started to feel like his again. The pounding in his head faded the further he got from the memories, eventually even letting him understand the words being spoken to him. Everything was just... It was real, grounded. Painful, just a little, on a mind scraped raw and bloody.

Dropping his head into the Drifter's side, Shin did his best not to cry. Last thing he needed, stupid, he'd just. Had a dream? Or had something try to eat his brain in his sleep. His stomach turned, just a little. Opening cracked lips, he attempted some form of, what? Apology? It didn't even come out right, barely audible and cracked beyond recognition but it was all he could do. Wasn't even sure what he meant by it, just knew he'd disappear without those arms round him.

* * *

He wasn't sure what Shin had just tried to say, but it was an attempt at communicating, and that was good, very good. Meant the hunter was still there, and slowly getting back to himself.

"You’re alright, you're here, with me. You're doin' real good, just breathe for me, ok? 'M so proud of ya. That's it." Drifter kept talking, hand on the dark hair cupping the back of the hunter's head to gently keep him close against his body, the one at the hunter's back now doing slow up and down strokes, hopefully not with enough pressure to be uncomfortable, but enough to be firm and grounding.

* * *

Breathe. He could do that, maybe. He took a shuddering breath in, held it for a few moments before releasing. Didn't seem to help, but he did it again anyway. His fingers were clawed into his arms, he realised, hard enough to hurt. It distracted from that other thing though, the howling at the base of his skull.

Even his ghost had given up hating him for a moment to block out whatever that had been with the same static image of an empty corridor. So he couldn't see, but it meant he couldn't conjure that _thing_ back up in his mind. The hand gripping him kept him in his body, gave him a reference for where he was and what he was. Closing his eyes, so that he wasn't just staring blankly into nothing, he managed to steady himself ever so slightly.

* * *

There was a low but constant anxiety settling into the pit of the Drifter's stomach, as he kept trying to be patient, give Shin his time to recover, while his mind started running calculations on scenarios that could have caused this and the probability of each of them. He had been pretty sure it wasn't his doing, or he would have certainly noticed last night, unless there was some type of delayed effect quality to certain worm power bullshit he just wasn't seeing. But he was navigating all of that nearly blind, only helped by myths and legends and whatever fucking hints he could wrestle from the Deep. Still, he thought he would have known. Unless, he realised with a shudder, he was now doing stuff in his sleep that bypassed his consciousness completely.

* * *

Finally, for once, the thing lodged behind his breastbone came in useful. It had flared at first upon waking, but Shin had been so unable to think that he'd not even registered it. Now, though, when he could pull enough bruised focus together to wrap it through him, it overtook everything. Stopped things hurting, focused his mind down through the quiet until he could think. His ghost finally stopped forcibly shutting him down, a brush of tentative worry and frustration against his mind before it faded away again. The shard didn't so much push away the corrupted fragments that kept running through his mind as tear them out. Break them down, shatter the pieces into something he could comprehend. Parts were lost, of course. But he stopped wanting to cough and retch until the sickness in him was spent. Slowly, fighting himself down and deliberately not thinking about anything, he opened his eyes. Met the Drifter's.

* * *

There was something changing, a shift of darkness taking over, rearranging things under the hunter's skin. Drifter could help tense a little, not knowing what to expect, if those teeth would be sinking into his still naked body at any second, spilling blood that suddenly ran cold.

Dark eyes met his, and it didn't make things any easier to understand. He forced out a shaky smile, tried to relax his shoulders. "Hey, hotshot. Doin' ok in there?"

* * *

Its job done, Shin was almost tempted to shove the thing back into its box and face everything alone. But it seemed very difficult, and frightening, and this was easy enough to keep a lid on provided that he keep a steady stream of light flowing.

"Can think again," he managed, a loose attempt at his usual drawl. "So better, I guess." He leaned into the Drifter's side, not breaking eye contact. The other man looked worried, a little scared, but he liked that didn't he? Shin deferring, seeking comfort?

* * *

That helped with the unsettling, uncertain feeling a little. As long as Shin was better, Drifter could deal with whatever the consequences were for himself. "Good t'hear. You think y'can stand up? Just to get ya to the bed." He'd carry the man if he had to, but this position on the floor was murder on his knees.

The rogue Lightbearer had about a million questions running through his head, but it would have to wait, and see if Shin felt like sharing anything on his own, instead of pushing him before he was ready.

* * *

Nodding, he climbed gingerly to his feet. It hurt, sure, and he got the impression that he might be using up some reserves that would have to be replenished later. The burn of it was about usual though, and he got that on any bad day. It was manageable, and he dropped down onto the bed.

Tentatively easing off, a little of the clarity faded and was replaced by fatigue. Unpleasant, but he was going to have to deal with it anyway and the ability to think without biting through his tongue seemed to have been preserved. Those broken fragments of memory still cut, but only when he poked at them. "Gonna be a bit useless," he warned the Drifter before pulling on the shard again. A shiver as the burning receded some, muscles beginning to ache.

* * *

It was good he could still stand and move on his own, though Drifter didn't like how much effort it seemed to take. "Don't worry about a thing, pal. Just rest." He said, standing up himself.

Probably a good idea to let the man have some space, give him some room to breathe for a few minutes. The Lightbearer felt a bit self-conscious of having spent all night all over the hunter's personal space, which had only seemed to make it worse once he woke up like this. He started gathering his clothes, putting them back on.

* * *

Huh. Yeah, Shin was naked, wasn't he? Coat aside, anyway. He turned his head, breathed in the smell. It helped, a bit. Made him feel more himself, smoothed down some of those sharp edges he'd been sporting. Carefully, slowly, he stopped puppeting his own body and started just moving it on his own. The dark didn't like it, being pushed back into its little space, but it never did and Shin wasn't in the mood to hear it out.

"Sorry," he said aloud, not knowing if he meant it. "Had a..." What? Nightmare? Vision? Hadn't seemed like anything real, nothing like what the dark liked to drag out of him. And his nightmares weren't like that, were just him over and over doing everything he'd already done but worse and cruel. He'd had nightmares aplenty; this was nothing like. But it hadn't been true, he didn't think, so... What? "A bad dream," he finished vaguely, dissatisfied with the truth of the answer. "I guess."

* * *

Pants already back on, working on buttoning up his shirt, Drifter looked at the hunter struggle to put what he had experienced into words, frowning a little. He was all too familiar with the kind of feeling he was seeing reflected there, and it set off a small alarm in his head. "A bad dream? Or something more than that?"

Shin would have known if it was related to the dark fragment inside him, surely, but... Drifter doubted a simple nightmare could have this effect on him, and the other possibility that came to mind was too horrible to consider without discarding every other theory first.

* * *

Shin frowned, drawing the coat right around his frame and curling up a little. The air had chilled a little and he looked over at the Drifter, trying to figure out if it was him or just the room misbehaving.

"Don't know," he admitted. "I don't... My dreams don't do that. S'just memories, they can suck but they don't hurt." Had felt like someone had shoved a handful of knifes into his skull and _twisted_, and then he'd woken up and it'd _kept happening_. He couldn't... What had caused it was slipping away from him, the price of being able to think about it at all he guessed. But it had been... "Big," he murmured to himself, almost unconscious of the action. "And dark." He blinked. "Sorry."

* * *

Drifter swallowed, jaw tense. "I had a vision." He admitted, looking away, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. "From the Nine."

Could still be a complete coincidence, really. There was no reason why they _must_ have been related, except the horrible feeling inside him telling him so. People had bad dreams. Hell, people like them, would be weird if they didn't both have their share. There was no rule that said nightmares had to always manifest in the same way. Yeah, that made sense, didn't it?

* * *

He stared at him, blank confusion written across his face. That was... Not good, probably. He was looking better, at least, than the last time but he was still pale. And whatever reaction Shin had had to whatever that had been had been pretty concerning, he guessed. Didn't mean the other man was ok, just that he thought Shin needed looking after more than he did.

"You alright?" He asked, then flushed a bit. Stupid question, real stupid question. He didn't know what else to say though, the man probably didn't want quizzing on every detail if it'd been bad. They'd agreed before that if he wanted Shin to know something he'd tell him, and he'd decided to trust the Drifter's judgement there.

* * *

God, Shin didn't seem to get the implication there, like Drifter was just changing the subject to his own experience. He almost wanted to just let it go, but if there was any possibility that this was what the Drifter was starting to dread it was, he needed to know. They both did.

"No, I'm not alright." He started, voice flat and neutral. "Because I'm scared what you had might be one too, and that it might be my fault." There it was, if he really must explain it as plainly as possible.

* * *

Oh. Yeah, that was. That was probably what the Drifter was getting at. Idiot. He ducked his head, inhaling another breath of coat smell. "Right," he said into it, jaw tensing a little. "Makes sense."

He considered, gaze going a little distant. He didn't know what the Drifter's visions were like, but the one he'd seen had been. Not as painful, exactly. Not like this had been. But certainly difficult, like he wasn't quite there in his head and there was too much to fit inside with him there too.

"Don't see what the Nine'd want with me," he said carefully. "An' I don't know what I saw."

* * *

Drifter wished it didn't make any fucking sense, actually. Wished Shin would have told him so and reassured him there was simply no way. Instead, he just had to go and touch on the delicate subject Drifter wasn't even sure how to start talking about.

"As I said," He tried, looking anywhere but to the man on the bed still wearing his coat. "it'd be my fault. I doubt the Nine decided it directly." God, he felt like actual trash about it, but he had to say it. "I think I fucked up, using the syntax for words of power from the Deep, uh, last night. Towards the end." The description was overtly careful, but he was still trying to even wrap his own brain around it. "I think it might have done something, spoke a change in the world." _'In us'_, was the obvious addition to that, that Drifter couldn't bring himself to say out loud.

* * *

Shin knew, academically, what the Drifter was talking about. _Anthem anatheme_, old stuff. Powerful stuff, if you actually had anything to back it up. Without the ability actually inflict your will on the world though, on the _subject..._ not much more than words. Hadn't thought the rogue was getting that powerful, that it could be much besides hot as hell and maybe feed whatever thing they had going. Stupid of him really. If any of them could've, he should probably have guessed it'd be Hope.

Shin remembered feeling right. Feeling owned, claimed. Belonging, in all the ways that implied. Course, he knew well and good that his brain had a tendency to drop there when the Drifter was involved anyway. But, hell. Maybe it'd been something. Maybe the Drifter was right and they'd gotten in a little over their heads. Didn't make much of a difference now, far as he saw. And hell, might have been the Drifter's idea, sure. But if he'd asked Shin beforehand it wasn't like he'd have said no. God, it had been hot. He _really_ wouldn't have said no.

"Alright," he bit at his fingernail, trying to figure out what he was meant to say next. "Fair. What's the plan, then?"

* * *

Ok, well, not really the reaction he had been expecting. Drifter took a deep breath, held it, let it out as a sigh. "I'll be honest with ya, I dunno. Kinda was expectin' you to be angry as hell with me for doin' that to you." He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. "Just got carried away. 'M real sorry."

Not that he hadn't meant it with every fiber of his being, but, God, he should have actually thought about it. Sometimes he just went stupid around Shin and the very concept of consequences flew right out of the window, but that wasn't an excuse for going that far. He should have known it wasn't just talk, should have known how attuned the power he got from the Deep already was to his hunter.

* * *

The idea of getting angry over it hadn't really occurred to him. Should it have? He was kind of wiped at the moment, everything emotional kind of dialled down thanks to the mangling his brain had gone through. But... Yeah, he guessed he might have been mad at one point. Wasn't like he liked the visions, but then Drifter wasn't exactly keen either.

"If you'd planned on this," he said aloud, making eye contact, "I'd be beatin' the stuffing outta you right now. Don't mark me wrong there." He paused. "Think there's some shared blame here though." Maybe if he'd thought with anything but his dick, he wouldn't have been here in the first place. But, well. Here they were. And fuck, he'd liked it. He'd liked it a lot. "So. Plan?"

* * *

Somehow, that was a relief. A lot more like what he would expect from the man. Drifter nodded, though he still didn't think Shin was to blame at all, because he knew trying to fight him on that right now would lead nowhere productive. And the hunter wanted a plan. Ok, well, he was the one who was supposed to know more about this sort of thing.

"I think," Drifter started, looking pale and very tired. "you should stay on the Derelict, and let me stay awake, see if it happens again."

* * *

That sounded kind of dumb to him, if Shin was honest. Guy didn't look great as was, like he could fall over any moment. And, well, Shin wasn't exactly in great shape to catch him. He knew what he was doing, Shin supposed, but it still didn't sit right with him.

Shaking his head, Shin sat up a little more. "Right kind of thinking, wrong way round. You sleep, I'll stay up and keep an eye out." He paused. "Derelict works fine though, probably safer at least." Shin wouldn't be able to sleep if he tried, mind rebelling at the very thought of opening himself up again to... That. Whatever it'd been. He wanted to run the hell away into the night, keep going 'til he dropped, not take another nap.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer made a low noise of protest, but stopped himself before insisting on his own plan. He _was_ pretty exhausted, but he also hated the idea of leaving Shin awake while he slept. Just didn't feel right.

"I'll have my Ghost wake me at the first sight of anything suspicious." He said, finally. Then remembered what they had talked about earlier in the day, their small discussion about Shin being welcome to stay aboard pretty much permanently if he liked, and casually added. "You ain't sleeping here alone anymore, though. Got any stuff y'wanna take up with you? I can clear some space."

* * *

Easier than he'd expected, but he wasn't about to complain. He needed to know what was going on, and the Drifter desperately needed sleep by the look of him. He wanted to lean in, press a kiss to that furrowed brow and wipe away some of the worry. But, well. The Drifter had a good enough reason, Shin supposed.

Looking around the room, he couldn't really see much he cared about. Things that weren't his, standard issue stuff. Only thing that mattered was his armour and clothes, and those were mostly in realspace rather than encoded away into inventory for vanity's sake. The Drifter certainly had room up there somewhere though, he supposed.

"Clothes, I guess?" He replied eventually. "Speaking of, pants. Need some if I'm going up to your icebox."

* * *

Maybe it was stupid, but the whole idea of Shin staying there with him already made the Drifter feel a little better. He started gathering Shin's scattered clothes, shot him a small smile. "Bit more than that, I think. Might have t'make a habit of wearin' that coat."

It had been a rushed necessity, but now that he could take a second to appreciate the image before Shin started to get dressed, knowing the hunter was wearing the coat Drifter had given him and nothing else was pretty fucking hot. Would have to file that one away in his mind for the future.

* * *

That was more like it, some of the lines on the Drifter's face softening in amusement. He stood, making for his closet to find something practical. Well, mostly practical. The Drifter wasn't exactly the most subtle when he snuck glances at the way Shin looked in the coat. So, might as well look good if there was someone appreciating it.

Coat laid to one side of the bed, he pulled a shirt over his head and moved over to grab his desk things. He... Probably should get a lot of these things into inventory. He hadn't moved a lot of the personal stuff out of his ship storage, but what he had was probably. Not something he should be bringing to the Drifter's ship. Didn't help that the man was looking at him every so often, and- Huh. He checked the drawer again. Looked over the desk. No, it was definitely missing. A suspicion dawned, and he glanced carefully at the Drifter.

* * *

It wasn't until Shin moved to the desk that Drifter remembered the penknife still in his pocket. God, it felt so silly now, after all that had happened between them in just a few hours. Probably should have taken the chance to return it when it was still possible, but now there wasn't much to do about it. Drifter had a good poker face, it would be fine.

He returned the hunter's gaze and said nothing, like he was nicely waiting for him to gather his things and nothing else. And if his heartbeat started getting a little faster, well, there could be all kinds of reasons for it.

* * *

He _had_. Cheeky little sod. Shin did his best not to let a grin break out over his face, looking sharply away to keep clearing up his belongings. Best not to let himself get too hung up over it, there was no reason to focus too hard on the reciprocated gesture. A little bubble of warmth flared in his chest, though.

Casually, he palmed the coin from the table and slipped it into his pocket. Turning round, he banished everything else into ghost space and gestured at the room. "Well then, take us up." As an afterthought, he scooped the coat from the bed and swung it round his shoulders.

* * *

Soon as Shin had his coat round his shoulders, Drifter asked his Ghost to send them up. The change in temperature from the small warm room to the Derelict was immediately felt, and the rogue Lightbearer breathed in the icy air - Increasingly, as his power and connection to the Deep grew, he kept feeling more and more at home in the cold.

Of course, he would have to remember to keep someone else's temperature comfort range in mind now, get some more heaters going on or something. He looked at Shin and smiled, small but genuine. "Welcome back."

* * *

His next breath bloomed in front of him, making the coat less of a comfort piece and more of a necessity. The Drifter was going to get him wearing _layers_. He shuddered at the thought, wrapping the coat around himself.

"Home sweet home," he murmured wryly, half genuine and half discomfort. This _had_ been home for about a year. A year of lying and frustration, never feeling quite safe or comfortable, but... Well. Anyway. It'd been home as much as anything else had been since Palamon.

* * *

Drifter chuckled, "Oh, quit complainin'.", and took the man's hand in his, interlacing their fingers, to lead him into his living quarters. Not because Shin didn't know where it was or wouldn't simply follow Drifter there, obviously, just because... It was nice, and he could. The cold might be nice, but a warm hand holding his own was better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"A thought bigger than your_  
_own head. Try it. Seriously. Cover more ground."_  
\- Richard Siken


	13. Chapter 13

With a rapid enough recovery and the lack of a repeat performance that night, it might be fair to say that Shin was lulled into a false sense of security. It would also be reasonable to note that once he was done for the day, he was fairly eager to just transmat directly up to the Derelict. From his room of course, he still had some sense of propriety.

Once he was there though, he couldn't find Drifter anywhere in the living quarters. Probably still in the Tower, which raised the question of whether Shin was meant to be there unsupervised. It wasn't his ship, after all. And the Drifter had always had some privacy issues. Didn't want to step on any toes when this was all pretty new. Perhaps he should go again, wait in the room until Drifter got back to him.

God, this was dumb. He dropped himself down onto the floor, pulled out his clothing inventory. If he wasn't going to be moving around the place he couldn't do anything wrong, could he? Might as well be productive.

* * *

On the one hand, it was almost disappointing that nothing else happened during the night, and Drifter managed to get a good few hours of dreamless sleep. It was nice, sure, but it also meant no new information, staying stuck with more waiting.

He had to admit Shin had been right about him needing some rest, though. He couldn't have imagined getting through the long day of Gambit matches and guardian admin otherwise. Ugh. Should probably thank him for it.

He was currently in the annex, matches done for the day, just doling out some rewards and confirming details for some bounties. God, he just wanted to be done already, and get back to his ship. See Shin again.

* * *

Technically, now was the time to be ruthless. New space, new rules, new start. Only, clothes were one of those things Shin had difficulty dropping without real work. It wasn't as though they weren't useful, after all. And he never stopped fitting them. And for the clothes that were tied to identities, _well_. Risky to keep around, yes, but it almost felt as though they weren't his to get rid of.

The mask under his fingers was one of them. Nondescript, to the point of being almost obvious. He'd spent a year in it, knew it like the back of his hand but something in him wanted to try it on. Just once more, one last time. A terrible decision, by all counts. That face wasn't welcome on this ship, he shouldn't even have this out by rights. Beneath the material of his glove, the scuffed metal felt smooth.

He'd spent so, _so_ long knowing intimately that this thing was keeping him alive. The glove came off. In the cold air, not yet acclimated to its surroundings, the mask felt almost warm. He pulled out the armour that went with it, surveyed the set. Fuck. He was very, very stupid. But they'd been a kind of safety, a way to feel secure somewhere it should have been impossible.

* * *

Once he had finally gotten all the guardians to leave, everything else as in order as it'd ever be, Drifter stopped by the noodle shop, got some rice and chicken to bring up for dinner. If he knew Shin, he wouldn't have remembered to eat much all day, and Drifter himself was starving.

He transmatted himself aboard, and smiled when he heard all the little tell-tale sounds of someone already being there, moving around. It was strange, the whole thing was bothering his privacy issues a lot less than he expected right now, maybe balanced by how nice it felt to arrive to something other than a cold empty ship.

"Hey there, I brought-" Entering the room, the Drifter's voice trailed off entirely, the bag in his hand falling to the floor with a soft thud in the sudden, tense silence. Shin wasn't here, but apparently, for some goddamn fucking reason, the Renegade was instead.

* * *

A bolt of pure terror ran right down Shin's spine at the sound of the Drifter's voice, and he spun around. Stupid, stupid, he'd _known_ this was a bad decision and he'd still indulged. Yanking the helmet off, the world narrowed back down to a normal field of view and he took a step back. Looking between the mask in his hands and the Drifter's face, he tried to find any words that would justify his current position. Didn't have an excuse for this, couldn't even understand why _himself_.

"I was just," he gestured to the clothing and armour on the floor, trying to keep his breath even. "Sorry, I wasn't..." What? Thinking? Trying to be an idiot? Smooth, Malphur. Real smooth.

* * *

The Drifter barely heard what the man was saying. It was surreal, seeing that armour he knew so well once more, like no time had passed at all, but Shin's head juxtaposed with it, incongruent, incomprehensible. Obviously he knew, they were one and the same, Shin and the Renegade, but knowing was one thing (especially when he had pushed his feelings about it so deep for so long) and seeing it all right in front of his face again, well, that was something else entirely. And seeing the armour without the mask felt entirely wrong, cognitive dissonance making it all so much worse.

"Put it back on." He growled, looking to the helmet for a second, then staring Shin down with hard cold eyes.

* * *

Low-grade irrational fear fused with blind obedience into something that would normally have made his stomach turn. The helmet was shoved onto his head hard enough to bruise, voice modulator activating with a click. And just like that, something shifted in Shin's perception. Maybe it was the way the helmet and armour aligned, forced him to alter his posture or restrict his own breathing. Might've been the way the visor locked everything into a set of cooler shades and narrowed his view to only what was relevant. Cutting out the sensory chaff, focusing him.

Maybe it was just the way the Drifter looked at him, like he could hurt him and not care in the least. Yeah, that sent him back. Shin's position altered just a little, slipping into a familiar stance and the Renegade looked back at the Drifter. "Happy?" He asked.

* * *

"Do I look fucking happy." Drifter spit out, heckles raised. He was watching the man like a hawk, paranoia running at full speed in the back of his mind, flooding his system with a sudden rush of adrenaline. "What the hell are ya doing?"

The body language, the modified voice, it made it too real, like a barely remembered ghost suddenly turning flesh and blood right in front of your eyes, all the details and memories rushing back like a torrent, like a hard kick to the stomach. Without realising, the Drifter's hands closed into fists at his sides.

* * *

He took a step forwards, not bothering to brace himself but instead dropping into something less aggressive. Limbs loose, careful but still at relative ease. Just a guy, moving towards the door. Which happened to have an angry Lightbearer in it.

"You don't look great," he allowed, ignoring the second half of the question entirely. Didn't know what he was doing himself, but he hadn't seen the Drifter properly hostile in a while and he was running through everything he knew that used to work. Old speech patterns, unobtrusive movements. Making himself... Not small, but irrelevant. Certainly no real threat.

* * *

A small, bitter laugh. He didn't feel great, that was for sure. He felt like he had been kicked right into a fever, and might start going delirious any second. Having the Renegade approaching had him caught in a fight-flight dilemma, his brain insisting on both with equal intensity, but the inability to resolve it one way or the other had him freezing in place instead.

"Y'think starting a chat about who looks like what right now is a good idea? Think it's gonna end up well for you,_ pal_?" All the new meaning and context of the word seemed lost just as quickly as Drifter said it, but not quite returning to exactly what it used to be either, still the same cutting edge but with more... sadness behind it.

* * *

No. No, that_ was_ probably a bad idea. Part of him bristled, because he'd been given a lot of rope and then had it pulled short on him. 'Anything' never got thought through properly, even if he _was_ stupid enough to have gone with this.

Wasn't sure what he'd do if the Drifter actually went for him, really. Kill him, maybe. Maybe die. "Alright, cool it down some," the modulator made everything sound just a little too relaxed, slow and deliberate. He took a step forwards, raising hands to chest height. No gun, see? Easy as pie. Plus, well. It'd be easier to de-escalate if he was in closer quarters. "Just answerin' a question."

* * *

The part of him who was desperately trying to stay grounded in the present insisted _it's armour, it's just armour_ but it still felt like so much more than that. Like all the lies and every day little betrayals of that year thrown in his face all at once. Anger was a lot easier to face than the grief he still secretly felt for that time, or the new panic that nothing had actually changed, and he had invited the exact same situation into his home again.

As soon as the Renegade was close enough, hands raised, Drifter's own shot up to grab his wrists in a strong, rough grip.

* * *

The little portion of his brain that had been rewarded over and over for its willingness to kneel, been bound over and over to the Drifter's will, screamed at him to drop. Apologise, do whatever it took, whatever was wanted. His knees went weak for just a moment before the much larger part of him that was a stubborn asshole and the one running this show steeled his spine. He ignored the way his breath had quickened, just kept up that slow steady gaze.

"I would prefer," he said after a moment, flexing his wrists against the Drifter's grip, "that nobody got hurt here." Another slight twisting movement of the wrists, trying to ignore the fact that some parts of him were very much enjoying the sensation.

* * *

Just for a moment, that made Drifter's hands loosen a little, trying to tell himself that yeah, that sounded reasonable, until he felt the movement of the wrists and reflexively gripped them even harder than before, a small defensive growl escaping his mouth.

"Might be a little late for that, pal." Drifter could feel the Deep roaring in his chest. This time, simply subdued, heavy and powerful inside him. He called on it, just a little bit, felt it travel down his arms, hands, fingers, creating a layer of frost over the Renegade's gauntlets.

* * *

Well, that had been his chance and he'd missed it by hoping they could still sort things out peaceably. He couldn't hold back a gasp as the bruising pressure around his wrists increased and that chill began to seep through. Hopefully it'd been too quiet for the modulator to pick up, wouldn't be heard. The constant urge to bend and yield wasn't going away, but at this point he couldn't tell if that would even help. The Drifter was spoiling for a fight, and just giving up wouldn't help that.

"Yeah, that's fair." With an effort, he pulled downwards with his wrists at the same time as he stomped down with one foot on the Drifter's instep. Just hoping that one movement would distract well enough from the other to score a lucky hit.

* * *

Yes, yes, _finally_. The attack gave him a sense of vindication, focused the build-up of tension and paranoia into something he could understand. The Drifter didn't even make an attempt to avoid the Renegade's foot, relishing the flare up of pain, forcing the downward motion of the wrists even further with one hand, while the other one was made into a fist that sent a punch into the hunter's stomach.

He wanted this so badly. He wanted to get hurt, and hurt the other man, and think about nothing else for just a few moments of perfect, clean violence.

* * *

He grunted, knocked back a step by the blow, and forced a breath out between his teeth to take away some of the pain and nausea. The shard thrilled, burning away inside his chest, and guided him to drive his head forward into the other man's lower face. Should've worn a helmet if he was gonna go ‘round picking fights.

His arms were in a shitty position, and he could already tell he didn't have the leverage to do anything but keep his balance and not drop for now, but he pulled upwards against them regardless. If he got lucky, he got lucky. If not, the shard was at least howling for the struggle and for blood.

* * *

Just as he expected, the retaliation was immediate, and the hit on his face filled his mouth with the taste of blood, lip busted open, a cracked laugh taking all the air out of his lungs. His head was spinning from the blow and he couldn't even think straight anyway and that was good, _right_.

A last hard yank on the wrist and Drifter let it go, using the momentum that created to try and kick the Renegade's leg from under him.

* * *

The blood distracted him for a moment, the urge to bite down hampered by the helmet and his own good sense. Meant he didn't see the trip coming, attention focused elsewhere. He went down hard, something twisting in his knee with a flare of pain and an audible crunch. Stupid, _stupid_.

Rolling back, he managed to get mostly out of range and force himself back up. His leg was barely functioning though, only holding his weight through sheer spite and high pain tolerance. He jerked his chin up, a clear 'come get me'.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer grinned as he saw the man go down, scramble to force himself back up again, and still keep that defiant confidence. It was such an obvious taunt, the Renegade would certainly be expecting it, but Drifter couldn't help himself and lunged forward to throw a punch on that chin.

He'd either get lucky and feel that damn helmet against his fist, or open himself up for a worse hit, and right now both of those sounded just as good.

* * *

He rolled with the punch, letting it graze across the side of the helmet and knock him just a little to the side. Onto the good leg though. Manageable. The movement sent the Drifter last him ever so slightly, let him get in a shot to the body. He felt something give beneath his gauntlet, one of the lower ribs most likely. Beneath the helmet, teeth bared in a grin.

The shard singing through him, he wheeled around on the good leg and tried for another shot, this time to the lower back. One intended to _hurt_.

* * *

The pain was bright and sharp, hits harder than he expected, and that made Drifter feel a strange dark pang of pride. He wouldn't have known what to do if the Renegade tried to take it easy on him - Might have just killed him out of frustration and shame.

But this, being on the same page, just as ruthless as Drifter felt himself, well, that worked for him. That worked _really well_.

The second hit, to the lower back this time, hurt even worse, and made his knees give up under him. Before going down, though, he managed to wrap an arm around the Renegade's neck, to hopefully bring him down as well.

* * *

He choked, knee crumpling as he was dragged to the floor. He'd been off balance to start with, and he hadn't expected the man's entire weight to be hanging off his throat. Meant that when he struck the ground spine-first and the breath was driven from his chest, he couldn't manage to inhale through tight airways.

Striking out wildly, less finesse and more panic, he managed to at least impact something. It wasn't nearly so hard as before though, none of that focused power behind it. He bucked upwards, trying to dislodge the weight on him while gasping for air.

* * *

Everything in him that had already been hurt sang with a new wave of pain as he hit the floor, but it just spurred him into action, knowing it was his opportunity to get the upper hand.

Drifter used his leverage to roll his body on top of the Renegade's, sitting up to properly trap the man between his legs, full weight on him. Only then did he stop pressing on the neck, hands instead grabbing for the hunter's wrists once more, trying to pin them down above his head. Where this level of pain might have made him messy and unfocused in the past, now it felt the complete opposite, as the darkness was pushed outward to manage it.

* * *

Air, stale and artificial from within the helmet but air nonetheless. He shuddered, doing his best to stave off the darkness that had been creeping up on him. The burning in his chest was flaring wildly, still pulling towards the blood running down the Drifter's face and not caring how much of him it mangled to get there.

Solar energy burst in his hand, trying to burn out the grip around him, but the ice still clinging to his gauntlets seemed to snuff it out as he did so. Leg screaming, thoroughly pinned, all he could really do was twist and buck beneath the Drifter's weight, expending more and more energy in useless struggle.

* * *

The solar energy dying against his hands only fed the Darkness, made his grip harder, nails biting at the leather of the gauntlets. Drifter could feel more ice forming under his hands, trying to keep it under control as he growled out a warning to the man wildly struggling beneath him.

Adrenaline and pain had every part of his body awake and on edge, nerves raw, and the way the Renegade was thrashing around between his legs wasn't exactly helping matters.

* * *

At the growled words his efforts weakened, chest visibly heaving and limbs having lost a good deal of their power in the struggle. The helmet was hot inside, cooling systems struggling to keep up with the rapid breaths and the low-grade solar output. He tried to loosen his hands once more, but the metal parts of the grips were cold enough to be sticking to skin and it was getting hard to move them at all.

He tried one last-ditch attempt to throw the Drifter off him, twisting desperately beneath him. It did nothing, and those cold eyes were peeling away every layer of him. It didn't look as though they liked what they saw.

* * *

Drifter bucked his hips just once against the man's last efforts to throw him off, just to pin him harder to the ground and make him stop. Closed his eyes for just a second, pushed the wave of pleasure that sent through him away from focus.

"I thought I'd never have to fuckin' see _you_ again." He spit out at the Renegade. Panting for breath, Drifter's tongue slid out from parted lips to lick his own blood.

* * *

A whine escaped him at that, half pain as his injured leg was twisted against the ground by every movement, half confused pleasure as the Drifter ground up against him. Adrenaline coursing through him, he finally lay as still as he could manage, head tilted back and hands twitching against the ice cold.

"Well, we don't every time get what we want," he managed to quip with the little breath he had, focus stolen by the movement of the Drifter's tongue and the remembered taste of his blood. Another wave of arousal, less confused this time but still with a healthy taint of terror.

* * *

"We sure don't." Drifter agreed, eyes going darker. What did the the other man want? Why this, now? It was too complicated and it hurt to think about, and not the kind of hurt the Lightbearer could enjoy.

The feeling of the warm body under his own, though, anger and arousal, those were easier to deal with. The Drifter jerked his hips forwards again, this time slower, experimental. "But maybe I will get whatever I want, this time."

* * *

Again, the pain and pleasure were hard to separate. There was a sick grinding feeling in the injured joint every time his body was moved. Pain had never exactly slowed him down though, and the pressure of the Drifter's hips against his own was its own kind of hurt. Didn't stop him pressing into it, helpless against his own desire.

"Same as ever," he bit out, sourness only a little faded. A year on this ship, and he'd learned that the Drifter had a way of making everything work out just right for him. Like a cockroach. That had included the Renegade too, for a while. Favoured pet, friend, all very much the same.

* * *

He was glad when the other man pressed into him, responding to the movement of his body. Last thing Drifter wanted right now was for him to just give up and lie there. He wasn't done looking for the conflict, the struggle.

The Renegade's words cut him in a way he wasn't expecting, though, and the Lightbearer flinched from them, confused anger flaring on his face. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Tell me." As if to make it even clearer that it was not a rhetorical question, Drifter shifted his weight a little to press right where it would make the Renegade's injured leg hurt most with his next thrust.

* * *

He shook, teeth clenched tight together as he braced himself for whatever the Drifter could do to him. Sure, it was bitter and petty. But that didn't mean that it wasn't so worth holding back anything the rogue wanted from him. Pain, he could take. Backing down easily could not be so readily swallowed.

It felt good that he'd hurt him even a little, even if he didn't know how. Soothed a little of that ragged wanting that he'd been doing for years now. Through gritted teeth, he simply replied "choke on it," and waited for his punishment.

* * *

Grunting in anger, one of the Drifter's hands called more ice out, until the gauntlets were frozen solid to the floor. He had to keep one hand there so it couldn't be thawed, but it didn't need both of them to keep the man pinned anymore. The free right hand came down as a fist, crushing into the ribs. "Wrong fuckin' answer."

He had never gotten to know what the Renegade truly thought of him. That was the crux of the issue, why not understanding what he had meant _hurt._ He didn't know how much of it had been genuine, if anything at all. If he'd have such bad judgement once, why would it be any different now?

* * *

A choked-off scream, converted to garbled static by the modulator's attempts to comprehend it. Helmet cracking backwards into the floor, he bit into his tongue as bone creaked beneath the blow. With the helmet sealed, his only recourse was to swallow the welling blood and endure through it.

His fingers had begun to lose sensation, any sparks of warmth he could summon quickly snuffed. Moving them hurt, but it kept the blood flowing. He pressed up against the Drifter's grip, barely an attempt at escape and more a reminder. One slip, and he would take what advantage he could. "Same as fuckin' ever," he echoed, mouth thick with blood.

* * *

Grinding hard once, twice against him in frustration, the rogue Lightbearer huffed and roughly grabbed at the side he had just punched. "Stop, fuckin stop that. Why can't ya just speak plain for once."

He hated this feeling of not understanding, knowledge being kept from him, with unbearable stubbornness, like it didn't matter how much Drifter hurt him, he'd never get what he was asking for. Like he could physically break the man and reach inside in search of it, and he'd still end up feeling like he'd been defeated somehow.

* * *

Vision whiting out, the helmet seemed both horrifically restraining and the only defence he had left to him. Safe, unbreached. Something in his knee tore as the Drifter pressed down at that deliberate angle, back arching even as his ribs made their own complaints known. Despite it all, he was still hard and aching against the Lightbearer's body.

"Isn't it funny," he choked out, voice altering as it left so that even he could barely tell who it was supposed to be. "How everyone else gets dead and you just keep scrapin' on by."

* * *

Fuck, that was a low blow. Not untrue by any means, and more painful because of it. Denying it would be absurd, when they both knew the truth so well.

"You rather I went down with 'em as well? I did what I had to. Same as you." The Drifter was breathing hard, trying to deal with old feelings and old hurts that felt impossible to put into words.

He had felt something give in the Renegade's leg, and even though he really wanted to tear at it, make it worse, Drifter shifted himself to take some of the weight off that side. Wouldn't have the man passing out because of it. It did make the angle better for his own hardness to press against the Renegade's, though, and he groaned in spite of himself.

* * *

The two of them groaned in unison at the friction, the Renegade unable to help pressing up a little and trying for as much as he could get. The loss of pain was almost worse, replaced as it was by nothing but the barest stimulation. The hand on his side not even bothering to hurt him. He wanted something, not just this waiting.

"That why you liked me?" He spat, grinding up against the Drifter and watching his face. Looking for the hurt, the anger. For _something_. "Because I was enough of a bastard to keep living? Or were you just hopin' for some fun before I got dead too?"

He'd seen him watching, he remembered. Caught him out of the corner of his eye, back when things got dangerous close between the two of them. Just looking at him like there was a timer on his back, ticking down to something final. He'd always worried he'd been found out then, but it'd been honest shock and betrayal at the end. Never had quite figured it out.

* * *

He knew the man was trying to provoke him now, but his self-control was wearing mighty thin and yeah, the accusations did manage to make him pretty furious. Moving to meet the upward bucking with his own, he dug his fingers at the sensitive spot between bones, getting leverage to press harder into the grinding.

"Were _you_ looking for some fun? God, bet you were, look at ya now. Bet you were disappointed I didn't fuck you." Drifter fired back, voice getting rougher with every movement. "Sure, I liked that you could hold your own. Might even stick 'round for a while before ya kicked it. Shoulda fuckin' known."

* * *

He grit his teeth hard, hard enough that he felt something give in his jaw and tasted blood again. Fine. He wanted this, he was going to _get_ it.

"You know what?" He hissed, modulator making it almost less than human. "Yeah. Yeah, you fucking disappointed me. Because you didn't show a shred of _fuckin'_ interest until I showed up as someone _made for you_ and even then you were too chickenshit to do anything about it." He sagged back, just taking the pain he was given. All fight gone out of him. "You didn't even want me then." And god, he'd hated that that had hurt. Hated that he'd cared at all.

* * *

Drifter felt the words hit him harder than any of the previous physical blows he'd been given. He held his breath. It didn't matter that hadn't ever been the way he saw it himself, hearing how the hunter had experienced it himself made something heavy and sharp and painful move around inside.

Unthinking, maybe because he had stopped fighting back, Drifter let go of the still frozen gauntlets, reined back the cold in it before he put the hand on the side of the helmet which would always be the Renegade's face in his mind.

"You never fully took it off around me. Thought ya weren't interested." Voice a lot more tired now, the lines of his anger became blurry.

They'd had good moments, sure, and close moments, just not like that. Obviously now Drifter could know why the Renegade had kept that extra amount of distance that didn't make sense to him at the time, but back then he'd taken it mainly as a hint not to pursue anything. And back in the Shadows, well, scary cult leader Dredgen Vale didn't exactly seem like he had much interest for anything but his purpose.

_'Made for you'_, though, God. Those words were going to be echoing in his brain for a good while.

* * *

It didn't even occur to him to try and break the ice holding him down; he'd almost forgotten his hands were there at all, so numb had they become. He laughed, just once and with more anger and misery than humour.

"Yeah, well." He swallowed the blood and fragments of tooth that were spilling through his mouth. "Guess you thought wrong." This wasn't the reaction he'd wanted. He wasn't being hurt, wasn't being touched, and he hadn't meant to spill so much so fast. If he hurt he wasn't thinking about the way the Drifter had looked when he saw his face, how the moment he'd seen Shin and not the Renegade all that affection had frozen into hatred. And now he hated the both of them, because Shin had fucked up and let him see the Renegade for just a second. Because they were both _him_, and now he knew that there was no way he'd be wanted. Pressing up against Drifter, his leg shaking in pain, he did his best to hurt hard enough to wipe those thoughts away. "Real fuckin' late to be realising that."

* * *

Half the anger in Drifter was now directed inwards, a little beast made of regrets and bad memories gnawing at his insides. "Seems I've been wrong a lot." He said, flatly.

He didn't know how this changed anything, but what the man was saying didn't fit with his own narrative of their shared past, and it made Drifter feel so lost and exhausted. He didn't have the energy left to hold back. "I did want you. I wanted you so bad." The hand on the man's side now tried to guide him into a better rhythm against his own body. Not gentle by any means, but not as solely focused on causing pain as before. "I want you now, even if it's too late for it."

* * *

Things stopped for a moment, and when they restarted it was without him. Like he'd ground to a halt and everything else had kept moving.

He hadn't. He hadn't wanted him, not properly. Not him. He might have wanted the version of him he'd been given, but even then if he'd actually been serious about it he'd have. What? Made a move? He felt opaque and cold, the warmth that bubbled through him cooled and banked to the faintest of glows. Dimly, he was aware that his body was moving on autopilot. Doing what the Drifter wanted it to, as per. He closed his eyes, glad for the helmet. Glad he could block it all out, that he could do this without being seen.

"I'm sorry."

He'd never said it before, had he? Never actually apologised for the deception, only justified it and moved on. And sure, he'd had his reasons. But he'd still hurt the both of them.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer froze, stopped moving at all. He had never expected to get an apology, and if he had ever thought about it, he would have said he didn't need one. But now it knocked all the air out of him, and with it all the anger and bitterness he had been so desperately holding onto.

His body hurt so much, and the conflict that had been sustaining it felt pointless now. Leaning down, careful not to put too much more of his weight on him, Drifter rested his forehead against the helmet, closed his eyes. "It's ok. I'm sorry too."

After all, he'd felt so betrayed back then that he assumed it had all been a lie, every single moment between them, meaningless to the other man. If that wasn't the case, well. He probably had a lot to apologise for.

* * *

The pressure against his helmet was solid, grounding. He hesitated for a moment before sending it back into inventory. Left him looking at the Drifter up close, no familiar barrier between them. He looked like shit, he knew he did, face tear-streaked and wet with blood, eyes tired and dull. He craned his neck just a little, pressed his forehead to the Drifter's own despite the pain.

God, everything burned. His breath kept hitching, no longer hidden by the mask, and he couldn't do much besides lie there. He stayed there for a moment, sharing breaths, before letting his head drop back to the icy floor. Shin didn't know what to do any more.

* * *

Drifter opened his eyes as soon as he felt the helmet disappear, and felt overwhelmed by emotion. Just as he had that last time when he'd discovered Shin's face hid under it, but this time instead of frozen with hate his eyes were brimming with concern and affection.

"Oh, Shin." His voice broke just a little, saying the hunter's name.

He tried to wipe some of the blood off, smearing it more than anything, following Shin down when he let his head drop to press a kiss on his lips, though he knew the other man would be fully justified in deciding to reject it. Drifter just didn't have any words left anymore, but desperately wanted to communicate what he was feeling.

* * *

He couldn't quite figure out what his chest did when the sound of his name finally broke the silence, but it hurt bad. The way the Drifter looked didn't make sense to him, face all wrong and soft where it should be bitter. He still opened up to the kiss though, trying to swallow down the worst of the blood beforehand.

He couldn't move his hands to hold the other man close, wasn't sure if it was the ice around them or if they just didn't work anymore. The hand on his side though, painful as it might be, was a comfort. Tilting his head, he felt the rough scrape of the Drifter's beard against his face and focused in on that as he kissed as deep as he dared.

* * *

He wanted to kiss the hunter until everything else faded away and it was the only thing left in the world he could feel, but the taste of blood forcefully reminded him of the situation. He couldn't keep Shin like this.

"I'm going to make it better, I promise, I'm sorry." He murmured against his lips, before giving Shin another small kiss and then pushing himself away and up.

On his knees, Drifter examined the frozen mess he had made of the man's gauntlets. Fuck, the ice thing really was getting more and more intense. It had barely been any effort to summon it. Now he put both his hands over it, attempting to undo it.

* * *

A whimper of loss as the kiss was broken. It didn't matter, he wanted to say. It was fine, he didn't mind, he'd been asking for it and he'd known what was coming when he picked that fight. The Drifter was already at work though, gone from Shin's body and leaving him hard and aching on the cold floor. He curled inward a little, hissing as his knee was dragged with him.

His ghost flickered at the edge of his attention, questioning the injury. They hadn't talked that day, but it seemed to have given up a little on the outright hostility. Shin shook his head infinitesimally, sending back a short no with appropriate gratitude for the offer. He needed the pain right now, he did. He didn't want to feel whole right now, not when his chest ached like it was collapsing inward.

There was a twinge in his hands, the first sensation from them in a while, and then they _burned_ as the ice began to melt and damaged nerves regained their ability to fire. He couldn't keep back a strangled hiss, doing his best to stay utterly still for fear of exacerbating it.

* * *

Once he heard the hiss, Drifter assumed Shin was starting to feel his hands again, and slowed down the rate at which he was defrosting it, not wanting the fast temperature change to cause even more damage. Still, the ice was soon pretty much gone.

"I think, damn, I think that's all I can do there." He said, apologetic, before turning his attention on the injured leg. It made Drifter feel sick, furious at himself. He'd just wanted a fight so badly. Fuck.

* * *

God. God, that hurt. He missed the numbness, even if it was probably good that they were being melted now. He tried to twitch a single finger, could barely stand the shock that sent through both hands. The mix of deadened flesh and searing pain meant either nerve damage or full tissue death, neither of which was a great option. Manageable though, and easily curable by ghost. Not yet though.

"It's fine," he reassured the Drifter, would have reached out if his hands were working right. "Please. Just leave it." He wanted those hands back on the parts of him that didn't hurt, wanted another kiss. He'd hurt the Drifter worse than this, and Shin hadn't been nearly so sad as the rogue looked now.

* * *

He didn't even have the excuse of the Darkness, not really. It'd fed on the conflict, sure, but it wasn't a supernatural anger that had driven him to violence, just plain ol' unresolved emotional issues. Felt like it was worse, somehow.

"Alright." He said, because what else could he do? "What can I do?" And God, Drifter wished his voice didn't sound so close to tears, throat suddenly feeling all rough and tight.

* * *

No, no no. This was all wrong, he shouldn't be so sad. Why was he sad, had Shin done something wrong? He thought he'd fixed it, made up for what he'd done. His face twisted in sorrow, levering himself up and reaching out with one gauntleted hand despite the agony of it. There was no finesse, the fingers unresponsive and wrist barely moveable, but he could make contact with the Drifter's uninjured side. Try make things better.

"Touch me?" He asked, leaning in closer, sweating and pale with the effort of it all. "Please." He wanted a kiss, at the least.

* * *

Drifter immediately leaned in to kiss Shin again, a hand holding the hunter's face, fingers gently curved along the jaw, and the thumb under his chin to tilt it up slightly.

He kissed careful, like Shin might break, but the hunter had said _touch me_, and right now the Lightbearer would have done anything he asked to atone, earn forgiveness. With his free hand he started caressing and stroking any uninjured stretch he could find, fluttering everywhere, just a bit shaky.

* * *

Shin sighed into the kiss and sent a request to his ghost. The Drifter was upset, he could fix it. Even if it made him feel sick, to lose the wounds he'd been given. Well. He could live with it if it stopped the Lightbearer looking like that. He swallowed a scream as his leg wrenched itself back into place with an audible _click_, fingers suddenly functional and tooth growing back. Staying silent through it was hard, but he managed.

"Better?" He murmured, throat and jaw moving against the fingers. He let himself wrap one arm around the man's back and drink in every touch he was granted. Hated the healing, truth be told, even as he thanked his ghost. Shin wanted to hurt as much as he was _meant_ to. But having functional limbs made it easier to hold the Drifter close, so he'd take it.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer sighed his relief, pressed a fervent kiss to Shin's lips, closed his eyes. "Thank you." He knew the hunter wouldn't have called for healing so soon if Drifter hadn't looked so concern about it, and he did appreciate it.

As soon as he allowed himself to relax a little, though, the injuries that had been kept in check by the Darkness flared up again, hitting him all at once, and Drifter collapsed on Shin's arms with a strangled gasp.

* * *

He had to struggle to keep the Drifter upright, stop him from crashing to the ground. Probably very good that he’d healed himself then, wasn’t it. Looking around, he didn’t see the Drifter’s ghost. Felt stupid just talking to the air, but besides the floating rib he didn’t know what he could do to help.

“Heal him please,” he said to the room in general, and then went to stroking the Drifter’s hair and murmuring about how he was fine and the Drifter would be too and he’d like it so much if he healed himself.

* * *

The Drifter's Ghost wasn't listening in, busy in another area of the ship. However, Drifter himself still had enough presence of mind to listen to Shin and reach out, ask for the little drone to come by and get him sorted out.

It did as it was asked, though not without shooting the two of them an annoyed look with its one intense red eye before disappearing again.

"I think it doesn't like you." Now healed, but bloody taste still in his mouth, Drifter gave out a small chuckle that had just a note of hysteria to it, throwing his arms around Shin and hiding his face on the hunter's neck.

* * *

Still stroking his hand through the Drifter’s hair, Shin closed his eyes. That seemed to be a pattern these days, didn’t it? Maybe they were both right and there was something wrong with him. Things sure did seem to go badly with him around.

“Fair enough,” he replied, other hand stroking down the Drifter’s back. “I’d say t’tell it I’m sorry, but I know you don’t go in for that.”

* * *

God, the hand in his hair was amazing, his body more than welcoming the soft touches after the previous intensity. He nuzzled his cheek against the warm skin, thankful.

"Fuck the Ghost." Drifter said, casually. "_I_ like you, so it can cope. 'S just cranky 'bout the extra work anyway." It hadn't had to do much healing or rezzing at all for a few years, and then, well. It had been an eventful few weeks.

* * *

Shin wasn’t really sure how to feel about any of this. Just knew that the Drifter needed something from him, and physical affection seemed to do it so he’d happily provide. Tasks, always tasks. He pressed lips to the shell of the Drifter’s ear before resting his cheek against his hair. More petting, the other hand just holding him close and secure.

“Yeah, well. I like you plenty too.” Didn’t make sense to that small, hurt bit of him that had spent so long trying to figure out what he even wanted from the man over that year. But he wanted the Drifter close and his, so he could do that.

* * *

He really could have said it then. And mean it, too, he realised through the exhausted haze in his mind. _I love you._

It was because 'like' sounded so small, so ridiculous. They had never done small, had they? Ever since they met each other, always intense and dramatic and with world shattering stakes. It felt appropriate.

But maybe that was part of the problem, really. Drifter didn't know, was scared of the reaction. So instead he just cuddled up close, enjoyed the affection and the feeling of safety. "Hmm, 'm glad. Thank you." Truth is, he didn't even understand much why the hunter even liked him, so he'd rather just take that.

* * *

"No worries," he muttered, eyes looking off unfocused into some distant other place. The body in his arms was warm, and even if he didn't feel remotely like any kind of safe harbour it seemed to do something for the Drifter. Eventually, he frowned.

"Is that takeout?" He said aloud, peering down at the man wrapped around his neck like a kid. Looked like takeout. Noodle place logo on the side and everything, even if it was cold and frozen over by now.

* * *

Another chuckle, this time more relaxed, without the anxiety behind it before. "Yeah, I got us some dinner after I was done in the Tower." He really had forgotten all about the bag left by the doorway until Shin reminded him just now. "You feel like havin' some cold chicken rice?"

He'd hate to separate himself from the hunter, pathetically he wanted nothing else than to cling to him, but well, the loud rumbling sound his stomach suddenly did really said everything.

* * *

Shin considered the Drifter, still clinging on like nobody's business, then considered the space between them and the takeout. Then the possibility of the slightly warmer living quarters a couple corridors away. He flexed his muscles ever so gently, testing. Healing seemed to have done them a world of good, and he had a little extra to draw on. Might as well feed the shard at the same time.

Opening the valve just a little, light and a thread of dark spilled through him. Moving his hand from the Drifter's hair to beneath his legs, Shin gathered the man to his chest.

"Up we get," he said almost to himself, then stood. A strain, ever so slightly. The Drifter wasn't as light as he remembered him when they'd been bleeding and running for their lives. But the light flowing through him eased weakness as soon as it arose and he pressed a kiss to Drifter's hair.

* * *

"Oh my god." Drifter had to try to hide a grin against Shin's neck, face suddenly hot and flushed. He knew the hunter was strong, of course, he'd felt the full force of that strength often enough, but this was a completely new context for it. Unexpected.

Made the Lightbearer ridiculously happy, too. Just the way Shin had picked up on how much Drifter wanted to stay pressed right against him, the strong arms moving and protecting him, making him feel he was worth all this effort.

* * *

"You mind grabbing that bag as we pass, sweetheart?" He said without thinking, doing his best to make sure he didn't slip and knock the other man up against anything as they went. A moment later he heard what'd come out of his mouth and he flushed, hoping a little that the other hadn't noticed. Or that he had. Hard to say, really.

Carefully, pressing kiss after kiss to the Drifter's cheek and holding him as close as could be managed, he took the pair of them to the living quarters and lowered them both to the ground.

* * *

Oh, but Drifter's face was on fucking fire. He nodded against the man's shoulder, not trusting himself to actually speak without horribly embarrassing himself at the moment, and did as he was told. God, but he'd do pretty much anything to hear Shin calling him _sweetheart_ like that, all casual affection and domestic intimacy.

He happily let himself be carried, feeling just a little disappointed when they were lowered to the floor and it was over, but he sighed in satisfaction, smiled a little, face still flushed to hell.

* * *

After a moment, Shin nodded and gathered the Drifter into his lap instead. Got the feeling the guy didn't mind being hauled around much right now, long as he was relatively gentle. He hesitated at the next part though, ready to be rebuffed and possibly kicked a bit. Could come off as condescending, he guessed, even if it was just... well, call it interest in how hard he could push. And a new-found fascination with the shade of pink Drifter was turning.

Reaching into the bag, he opened up one of the cartons one-handed and peeked inside. Perfect, a side dish with some. Well, wasn't sure what but it was finger-food at least. Pulling one of the fried morsels out, he held it up about a centimetre or so from the Drifter's lips. Just, offering. "Want some, _sweetheart_?" He asked, playing a hunch.

* * *

Drifter settled comfortably on the hunter's lap, thinking that if he wasn't so hungry, he'd be about ready to pass out. But if course, Shin had other plans for him, and the Lightbearer found that he didn't mind that much at all.

The warmth spread from his face down into the rest of his body at the offering of food, and he couldn't help a visible shiver at hearing the pet name again. Fuck. He'd probably noticed.

"Please." Drifter finally said, voice small and polite, opening his mouth just enough.

* * *

Oh. Well, wasn't he being a good boy? Shin shifted his arm just a little, bringing his arm up from the Drifter's back to cup the back of his head from the nape upwards. After all, it wasn't as though he'd be needing his arms for anything besides holding onto Shin at the moment.

Delicately, he placed the bite in Drifter's mouth, thumb running through dark hair and watching him intently. He was already reaching for another piece of food, something in him oddly intent on the entire display. "Very polite, darlin'" he said, voice rough.

* * *

He took the food in his mouth, chewed and swallowed, feeling strange about being watched so closely. Not in a bad way, though. God, he really liked it. And could still remember his manners, be polite, if Shin liked that. "Thank you."

The food was good, even cold, after being so hungry. But suddenly the focus had changed so much, and that felt like the least important part of it. Felt like nothing compared to those eyes, and the electrifying sensation of the hand cradling his head.

* * *

This one, he tried something with. Wreathed his hand in just the faintest corona of solar energy, enough to warm the food to a more comfortable temperature. And, well. Enough to be visible. Worrying, maybe. He held the next bite up, confident in his own ability not to burn him even a little. It was there though, flaring merrily away. Just a little need for trust, mixed in with the care.

He kept up the soothing motions, scratching gently at the scalp as you would a dog. The kind of thing that tended to send sparks down his spine, made him melt.

* * *

It was beautiful, and Drifter stared at it for a moment too long before accepting the warm bite.

Maybe he should have been worried, given that this was the same solar energy that used to feature in his nightmares, burning into that golden gun. But he couldn't find it in himself right now - Maybe it was being fed and cared for, maybe it had been the pet names, or the hand so wonderfully moving in his hair, but for once, trust came to him easy.

* * *

A grin broke over Shin’s face, and he hid it by pressing a kiss to the top of the Drifter’s head. “Good boy,” he murmured against him, close to his ear and voice low. “Well done, darlin’.” It hurt in the best kind of way, watching him trust Shin not to burn him. Even here, like this, after everything that had happened not half an hour before.

The next bite got the same treatment, as did the next. Felt good to make him feel looked after, and he got to drink in the sight of the Drifter very literally eating out of his hand. That certainty that he'd be cared for, treated right. Shin kept it close to his chest, that fragile hurtful peace, and made sure to praise him for being so _good_. It was funny, watching him behave so well without having to hurt him at all.

Not that it wasn’t fun to do that too, but. Well. Time and place, and they’d both been hurt plenty that day. And the gift of that trust without even really having to work for it was certainly appreciated.

* * *

He made a little sound at that, not quite a moan and not quite a gasp, the low voice sending shivers down his spine. Even after all he had done today, Shin was still here and treating him with such tenderness and saying he was _good_.

He was sure he didn't deserve that, but he could do his best to earn it, he could behave and go along with anything the hunter wanted. Prove he was sorry, he was good, and he could do better.

For now, though, he just ate what he was given, heart full and eyes bright and eager and trusting.

* * *

They made their way through the carton in that fashion, Shin watching in fascination as the Drifter ate slowly, grateful for each bite. So different from the way he normally refuelled, to say the least. Those little noises and shivers, too. Those were their own fascination, and the way they were arranged meant that no matter how he angled himself the Drifter had to feel how it affected him.

At last they ran out of food that could conceivably be fed by hand, left with rice and soup. Neither of them particularly suited the activity, and Shin didn’t feel like trying to make it work if he would lose the soft press of lips against his fingers with each morsel. He leaned in, kissing gently at the Drifter’s mouth and tasting the remnants of grease and spices left there.

* * *

Drifter opened up to the kiss immediately, moaning into it in a way that would have usually embarrassed him. But he was so relaxed now, felt like he had lost any filters or walls that usually stood strong as steel to keep himself safe. Trusting Shin to keep him safe instead, or accepting his destruction if he didn't.

He had to stop for air once he started feeling lightheaded and dizzy, no matter how little he wanted to break the kiss. But passing out in a dude's arms because you were too needy to take a damn breath probably wasn't very appealing.

Then, Drifter realised something. Shin had been feeding him, without keeping any to himself. "You should eat too." He said, almost shyly.

* * *

Shin groaned into the Drifter’s mouth, every noise and loose-limbed movement only worsening the situation. He curled his fingers against short hair, moving their heads into a better position so that he could reach in deep and taste the whole of him. When the kiss broke, he was breathless himself and more than a little uncomfortable, skin hot and flushed.

Not looking away, he lifted the hand he’d used to feed the Drifter and one after another licked the remnants of food away from each finger. He absolutely, entirely did not give a damn about eating right now. He hesitated, shifting just a little, torn between doing as the Drifter wanted and making him happy, and taking care of some more immediate problems.

After a moment, he relented and picked up one of the cartons.

* * *

Trying not to look too wide eyed, and probably failing miserably, lips slightly parted as he tried to remember to breathe, Drifter watched as the hunter licked his own fingers while staring right at him. God.

He almost forgot what he had said until Shin finally picked up another one of the takeaway containers, and he smiled a little. Leaning back and making himself as unobtrusive as possible, hoping that if he wasn't in the way too much Shin would allow him to stay there curled up to him while he ate himself.

* * *

Eating one-handed was complicated, particularly given that while he'd managed to find a utensil in the bag he still had to do his best to balance a full-grown Lightbearer on his lap with one arm. Most of his focus went on each careful mouthful, though he kept stroking the Drifter's hair on automatic. It was calm, peaceful as he made his way through a good chunk of the rice. Every few mouthfuls he offered some up to that gorgeous mouth, watched in unabashed enjoyment as lips closed around the food.

Once he'd eaten what he judged to be an acceptable enough amount, he placed the carton back into the bag. He hadn't really tasted it, good though he was sure it had been. Shin had been far too focused on the reactions of the body curled against him, every shiver and blush as he was cared for. "Beautiful," he murmured, not even embarrassed by the sentiment. It was true, wasn't it? So why not let the man know.

* * *

Drifter had been expecting to be forgotten for at least a little while while the hunter ate, and was secretly thrilled when it wasn't the case. Shin kept petting his hair, sharing the food, and just making him feel so special, worthy of such attention.

The compliment took him by surprise as well, and Drifter made a little whine, bringing a hand up to hide his face, feeling like he might just spontaneously combust on the spot. The rogue Lightbearer had been called handsome often enough, recognised the way his rugged appearance was appealing to some and usually had no qualms about using it to his advantage. However, beautiful? That was a bit of a new one, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

* * *

Aw hell, Shin couldn't resist shifting the Drifter round on his lap so that the other man was straddling him. Hiding his face was sweet, the little noise he made so delightful, but he wasn't in the mood to indulge it.

"Hey, hey," he rumbled, using the hand on the back of the Drifter's neck to lift his head up into view. "Let me get a look at that beautiful face, huh darlin'?" And well, it really was. Not soft, not unmarked. But the bow of his lips was a work of art, that jaw, those cheekbones. All of it beautiful.

* * *

He let himself be manhandled, delighting in the feeling of it, shifting a little just so he could properly straddle the hunter between his thighs. Drifter still wanted to hide against his chest, though, face hot and flushed, making it all too evident how much it affected him.

Couldn't deny Shin anything right now, though. He willingly let the hand at the back of his neck guide him, let the other man look at him. Couldn't meet his eye, though. What a joke, when they both knew Shin was the only beautiful one here, so pretty it hurt to look at sometimes. Drifter could feel his heart pounding, waiting for the hunter to make that awful realisation on his own.

* * *

"There we go." He tilted his head to one side, admiring the play of light and shadow on the Drifter's skin. Tracing the curve of his upper lip with the edge of his thumb, dragging it down to rest on his lower lip before moving to the angle of his cheekbone. He nodded. "Like you were made for me," Shin said, lips curving into a smile, his eyes dark.

That determined, he leaned back in to mouth at the line of the Drifter's throat, oh so gently kissing and licking at the skin bared to him. His hand moved away from the rogue's face, drifting to his lower back so he could hold the man closer.

* * *

It was basically a conscious effort to remember to breathe at that point, feeling dissected by those dark eyes, judged, but ultimately found worthy. God, but it felt like the hunter could take him apart just by looking at him like that.

Drifter breathed out a shaky sigh, tilting his head back and arching himself to give Shin full access, pressing further into the warm, solid body in front of his. That gentleness would be the end of him. "Ah, damn, _Shin_."

* * *

He kept kissing, mouthing at the cool skin in front of him, grazing the barest hint of teeth against that throat. His hand went back to stroking through that hair from where it had been holding the Drifter in position, touches not light but slow. Lingering. His hand flexed against the Lightbearer's back, groaning at the way the Drifter's movements pressed his hardness right against Shin's belly. Shameless, wanting.

"What," he asked in between kisses, "do you want me to do with you, darlin'?" He had a few ideas, but they ranged wildly across levels of respectability and intensity. He wasn't really attached to any one possibility over the others, he just wanted to make the Drifter feel good.

* * *

Too focused on the delightful touches and the pressure, it took a few moments of thought for the words to turn into something the Drifter's mind could understand. When he finally did, he made a little sound of pure need, rolling his hips on simple instinct.

"Please, please, God, whatever you want." He said, the words rushing to get out of his mouth, instantly reduced to begging by the long buildup that the entire evening had ended up being. "Anything, just, please, I need _you_."

* * *

Hmm. Well, ok. He could manage that just fine. Hopefully the Drifter would like what he had in mind. He nodded, playing idly with the hairs at the nape of the other's neck. Pulling him closer once more, he enjoyed the noises the Drifter made as he rutted against Shin's body.

"I can do that for you," he allowed. "But I think we're gonna need to relocate a bit." He shifted the Drifter back, sliding him off his body and hushing his complaints before they could even escape his mouth. "Promise you can get back here in a second, sweetheart. First, though," he moved, sitting himself back against the Drifter's bedding and watching him carefully. "I'm gonna need you to show me that beautiful body."

* * *

Drifter whined as he felt the hunter retreating away from him, but was immediately quieted down by the reassurances, and that command. He swallowed, hard, and nodded his understanding.

Still on his knees, sitting back, he started removing all the upper layers of clothing. Starting fast at the beginning, getting rid of the coat, armour, the bulkier pieces, and then making a tremendous effort to steady and slow his trembling hands once he got to unbuttoning his shirt. Shin looked like he wanted to watch him, wanted a show, and though Drifter wanted nothing more than to be out of these clothes as soon as possible, he couldn't stand the idea of disappointing him there.

* * *

Sitting back, Shin got to appreciate the slow reveal of skin, drinking in every tremble and shudder. He kept up a steady stream of approval, appreciative noises and gestures. He pressed down against his clothed hardness with the heel of his hand, biting down on his lip just a little as the Drifter stripped for him. Nothing serious, just a little light friction to add to the enjoyment.

Once the Drifter was fully on display, Shin reached out to pull him back in. Getting him positioned just where he wanted him, still kneeling with Shin between his thighs, his weight supported as best Shin could manage. Not unkindly, he used his thumb to spread beading precum over the head of the Drifter's cock, teasing at the slit. "Good boy," he murmured. With his other hand, he checked his pockets. And- there, yes, a tube he'd accidentally stolen after the last time.

* * *

He was fully hard before he had even stripped completely, full body screaming to be touched, feeling raw, watched so closely. And God, for some reason, the hunter looked like he actually enjoyed what he saw, making sure his appreciation was known.

Drifter gasped as he was pulled back in, squirmed a little at the small touch sending sparks all through him, but did his best to position himself exactly how Shin wanted him instead of desperately throwing himself at the man. He didn't even try to stop the noise that came out of his mouth when the hunter praised him and finally, _finally_ touched his cock, teased it so expertly, that he thought he might just pass out right there on the spot, closing his eyes tight. "Ah, _fuck_."

* * *

That reactivity was good, and he couldn't keep back a grin as he managed some impressive one-handed manoeuvring to get the bottle of lube open and squeezed into his palm while continuing to play with the Drifter. God, those noises. He had to restrain himself from squirming and rutting against one of the thighs available.

Fingers now liberally coated, Shin met the Drifter's mouth in a sloppy kiss, one that he clearly hadn't expected by the noise he made. Shifting his legs apart a little spread the Drifter's legs in turn, and Shin ran a teasing finger down the strip of skin before tracing the edge of his hole.

* * *

With his eyes closed, he really wasn't expecting the kiss, but after a split second of adjustment he welcomed it immediately, kissing back hungrily, feeling his legs being spread further by the shift in the hunter's position and, oh. Oh, god, that sure made his eyes open wide again, moaning wild appreciation against the hunter's mouth, which almost instantly turned into a whimper of neediness, aching for more.

Distantly, part of him tried to tell him to pace himself, not push too fast for too much, when Shin was already being so good to him, but damn, Drifter was afraid he was simply too far gone already for that.

* * *

He swallowed the desperate noises, enjoying it far too much as he ran one barely moistened thumb down the length of him, pressing in with the other hand. Just a little, just to the first knuckle as he bit down on the Drifter's lip and ran his thumb around the ring of flesh. Trying to keep the various stimuli strong enough that he'd barely notice the hurt, keep him as happy as Shin could manage.

The movement of him against Shin's hand went straight to his cock, producing his own needy noises into the Drifter's mouth. He kept his eyes closed, deepening the kiss and moving slowly in and out of the Drifter. Hoping that this was as good as it sounded, as good as it made _him_ feel.

* * *

There were too many sensations fighting for his attention right now, and the Lightbearer found himself unable to keep track of all of them individually. It was just a delicious, incomprehensible mess of arousal and pleasure and hurt, going right to the core of him from a dozen different directions.

"God, Shin, that- that's so good." He managed, soon as he got a hold of himself enough to form a coherent thought, and the next moment that lovely, devouring mouth was kissing him again and Shin's finger was pushing inside him again and it was more than enough to make Drifter lose himself again.

* * *

Thank fuck, positive feedback. He moaned just a little, wrapping his hand more solidly around the length of the Drifter and pulling against him. Still dry, still so tender. Hopefully enough of a conflict in sensations to keep that careful balance of devotion and want. Releasing the Drifter's lower lip, he focused more energy into the kiss, more passion. He didn't want to overwhelm the other, but it had to be distracting enough as he sank in fully, searching for that one spot that would make him beg.

The feeling of the Drifter clenching around him was beautiful too, going straight to his cock as he pressed against that hot velvet feeling. And- there, a slight irregularity for him to focus attention on and make the Drifter sob.

* * *

It was already so good, overwhelming really, every time Drifter thought he was adapting to it all the hunter changed it up just enough to pull the rug from under him, increasing the intensity of feeling beyond that the Lightbearer had thought possible just a moment before. He was kissing back clumsily, hoping to make up for it with fervour, his hips stuttering in an uneven rhythm as his body just couldn't decide what touch it wanted to chase most. "God_damn_. P-please, just, don't sto-"

Couldn't even finish his pleading, not when at that moment the hunter was touching him so deep and finding the _exact_ right spot for it and making Drifter cry out in desperate need, grinding back into it, entire body tensing as his nerves were lit on fire.

* * *

Another finger, pressing slow and torturous into the warmth of him. Spreading those fingers apart, he scissored against the tight pull of muscle while still teasing at the bundle of nerves. Pressing up against the man, he knocked him back as carefully as he could. He shifted his hand roughly from the other man's dick to his back, lowering him gently down to the floor and the soft bedding below him.

Slowly, carefully, he pulled his fingers out and broke the kiss, wrapping wet and slippery fingers around the Drifter's hardness instead. His mouth, he put to better use tonguing tentatively at the stretched rim, the taste of bitter salt and artificial lube mingling.

* * *

It was a whirlwind, a tornado, pushing and pulling at him and threatening to break him apart. All Drifter could do was move with it, let the hunter rearrange him once more, knocking him back but then making sure he still hit the bedding softly.

He whined in protest at the loss of the fingers, feeling empty, not even a kiss to focus on to get over his grief. The touch on his cock soon distracted Drifter though, cool wetness sending a shiver through him, and then, fuck, that tongue pressing against the already sensitive flesh, leaving him breathless and panting once more.

* * *

Shin groaned, panting against overheated flesh as he pressed his tongue into the Drifter. It was such a strange feeling, separate from the other but desperately close to him at the same moment. He buried himself in the rogue, occasionally gasping out another breath but otherwise working himself as thoroughly into the Drifter as he could.

Meanwhile, he used everything he'd learned over the last while to work the Lightbearer over as best he could. A twist here, rough one moment and soft the next, coordinating both assaults carefully. He wanted the Drifter to feel as good as he could manage, minimise his pain as best he could achieve. His jaw hurt, but the noises he was dragging out of the other man were intoxicating.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer couldn't do much in this position, and it was absolutely maddening. One hand was at his side, tightly clutching at a blanket he was half on top of, the other arm thrown over his own face, biting at his forearm to muffle needful, ragged cries, tears pooling in his eyes.

Best Drifter could do was arch his back, flex his knees to move into the hunter's tongue, wanting to feel that amazing soft, firm wetness inside him, but hips still deciding their own frantic rhythm, desperately bucking up against Shin's hand.

* * *

He could barely breathe, occasional breaks for air barely enough to sustain him as his tongue fucked into the Drifter. Wasn't the same of course, wasn't like being filled and used, but the precise and unpredictable movement certainly seemed to achieve the desired effect. The writhing against him, sobbing desperation working in his favour as the Drifter ground back into his tongue... God, he could die happy as long as he was teasing those noises out of the man.

His hand, slick and clever, was doing its best to distract the Drifter from Shin's exploration of him. Squeezing pressure, gliding smooth and hot over him, just a hint of solar energy in the mix to make things _fun_. Every sob a victory, every ragged movement a triumph. He groaned against him, barely able to stay coherent against the hot mess they had both devolved into.

* * *

It was just too much, that caress of solar energy on already over-hot skin, adding a thrill of fear to the already explosive cocktail mixing inside him. It broke any reserve Drifter had left, self-restraint utterly forgotten even as a concept he should be aspiring to.

"Please, oh god, Shin." Speaking was hard, when he kept getting interrupted by his own uncontrollable moans. Still, the Lightbearer gritted his teeth and did his best. "_Please_, I want you, I need you to fuck me now, I need you inside me. Ple-, please."

He sounded alien to his own ears, so thoroughly ruined and reduced to this wanton, shivering wreck of lust and _yearning_.

* * *

Shin paused, considering. It hadn't been a part of his plan, sure. But, well. He was being asked for it, and fun though teasing the Drifter might be, he was dedicated towards satisfying him. So, jaw aching and face wet with slick and salt, he withdrew. He looked a wreck, he knew, face reddened and shining with all sorts of sordid juices. It didn't stop him joining the Drifter in a kiss, didn't stop him moaning at the press against sensitive flesh.

Careful, oh so careful, Shin pulled himself out, aligned with the Drifter and jerked his hips up to meet him. No letting him establish his own pace, no guiding him gently into it. He'd asked for Shin inside him, and Shin was going to oblige even as his vision went white and blissful.

* * *

For a moment, as everything stopped, Drifter really thought he would be left like that, to beg and cry until he couldn't stand it anymore. God, he'd rather die, make it quick. But Shin was being so good to him today, goddamn, a lot better than Drifter deserved, and the relieved Lightbearer melted into the kiss instantly, languid and fully relaxed.

Which was a good thing, given what happened next, the hunter fucking right into him, fast and strong and exactly what the Drifter wanted, making into a sobbing, gasping mess, arms grabbing at Shin's back now to pull him close.

* * *

The hands against Shin's back pressed in, fingernails cutting in just a little as he gasped and jerked. A twitch of his hips fucked upwards into the Drifter, teeth grazing against the other man's lips and tongue without biting down.

He almost hurt, pressing up into that hot, _tight_ breach. It was so hard not to just fuck into the Drifter as hard as he wanted, bounce him as much as he liked and make him scream to be allowed to come. His hand worked into the Drifter's hair, pulling just a little on it as he slowed his pace. Keeping the Drifter on edge, other hand twisting and stroking around the base of his cock.

* * *

It was painful and hot and hard and _wonderful_. Drifter was whimpering against the hunter's mouth, willing his body to accommodate the stretch and fullness, just for Shin to then start moving and make him see fucking _stars_ as he slowly fucked in and out of him.

The Drifter tilted his head just enough to feel that hand in his hair hurting him a bit more, sharp and grounding. "Shin, please. Harder." He scraped his nails down the hunter's back as he begged for it, spurring him on. He'd already waited way too long to have Shin inside him, wanted to really feel it.

* * *

God, the Drifter was getting pushy. He couldn't find it in him to deny him though, the scrape of nails against his back forcing another full body flinch out of him. Shin did as he was told, gave whatever he was asked for. As he always seemed to do. A hand on his hip would've helped with the leverage, but he trusted that Drifter would move with him if it mattered so much to him.

Fucking up into the Drifter, hard and rough, he sped up the movements of his hand. Maybe, if he dragged more whimpers out of the other Lightbearer, he would be able to keep his own deep inside. Then again, he had his cock buried deep in the man's ass and he was _tight_ so control was hard to find.

* * *

Drifter struggled to get any air inside of him, panting hard and crying out in such passion, crying out the hunter's name over and over like a holy word, like a prayer.

He got his legs around the man's waist, ankles hooked on his lower back, encouraging Shin as deep as possible. Getting leverage to meet him up at every thrust, trying to angle himself just right, trying to fuck into that hand that just went faster and faster. Every part of him was being stimulated in the best possible way, entire body screaming, and he _loved_ it.

* * *

Oh, _god_ the Drifter could be a wild thing. Shin was barely doing any of the work at the moment, just focused on making sure he moved to meet the Drifter when he decided to sink back down onto him. The force and depth the rogue was driving him to was incredible, the hand in his hair pulling taught as he practically ignored its grip and revelled in the pain.

The only scrap of control Shin seemed to have maintained was the hand around the Drifter's cock, currently sliding on and off in a way calculated to tease and bring the man closer and closer without ever satisfying. Well, that and the kiss. He felt, again, more as though he were the one being used rather than the other way ‘round. Not a problem for him, certainly not, but... God. He bit his own lip, felt that building pressure in him. He was close, real close.

* * *

His cock ached at the teasing touches, and Drifter made a small little noise of frustration, started biting lightly at Shin's lower lip as he kept fucking himself back into the hunter, hard as he could manage. Breathing out with every push inward, taking the entire length of it every time now, taking it so well, almost a little proud of himself.

"C'mon, _c'mon_, pal, is that the best y'can do?" He taunted, bucking wildly, finding his stride. It might have been a while since Drifted had had a dick inside him, but he still knew exactly how he liked it.

* * *

Huh. He'd been a lot nicer beforehand. Shin shrugged, accepting the change in pace. If he didn't want to be fucked tender, wanted to be used and hurt in it, Shin could oblige. Still using that one arm, he hooked it around the Drifter's back and stood with him, still sunk down onto Shin's dick. Turning, he found the wall and slammed the Drifter up against it.

The movement forced Shin ever deeper somehow, and his knees nearly buckled in sheer pleasure. Thankfully he managed to stay upright, the Drifter's weight bearing down on his hips as he shoved him up against the wall. Again and again, fucking him in earnest now he finally had some leverage, biting back with it.

* * *

Of course Shin could still pick him up like this, _God_ that was hot. Drifter laughed with a dark sort of delight until he was slammed against the wall, all the air punched out of him for good this time.

He moaned his approval long and loud, coherent speech driven out of him yet again. Drifter used an arm to brace himself against the wall, forehead resting on it, while his other hand went to work at his own cock now, hard and fast.

The hunter had picked up on what he wanted so quickly, adapting with it every time. Still being so damn good to him, giving him exactly what he needed. Drifter would have to make sure the man felt properly thanked for it.

* * *

That was more like it. No more words, just the hard slap of flesh on flesh and the Drifter's moans. Reaching up, he took ahold of the back of the Drifter's head and pressed it firmly into the wall. Made him stay while Shin snapped his hips into the Drifter, occasional noises of exertion the only noises passing his lips. He was oversensitive, sure. Overstimulated, body crying out for release. But he was going to make the Drifter come and beg for more. His only real plan to be honest.

"Better?" He managed, breathless and harsh. He punctuated the question with a thrust that - if he had gotten the angle right - should have hit directly. Just to make him scream.

* * *

"Oh, _fuck-_" The exclamation ended up with something wordless, a raw, animal sound raging through him. Damn if that didn't hit the spot better than anything else, almost cruel in its delicious, ruthless perfection.

Drifter came with a sob, full body shaking, barely even needing his own hand to be touching his cock, which sent most of the come spurting out of it right into the wall. The Lightbearer kept pushing back, though, riding the aftershocks of his orgasm for a long as he could.

* * *

Shin breathed through it, jaw clenched tight as he forced his building peak away. Forced it down, kept moving through the tight press of muscle. To his credit, the Drifter seemed real determined to finish him off like this. That or just dedicated to overstimulating himself to hell and back.

With an effort of supreme self control, he stopped moving. Keeping the Drifter there, all his weight pressing down along Shin's length. Panting, hand still on the Drifter's head and fingers wound through his hair, Shin managed to ask "you want me to finish in your mouth or your ass?" One'd hurt a lot less.

* * *

Shaking, overstimulated, Drifter still whined in protest when the hunter stopped moving. He took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of himself, and appreciating the feeling of being so full, whole.

"Just fuck my ass, Malphur, _God_." He said without thinking, from between gritted teeth. Another deep breath. Then, much softer. "I want you t'finish inside me."

He didn't care if it hurt. Truth be told, right now he didn't think he could care about much of anything that wasn't feeling and hearing Shin coming undone while buried to the hilt in his body. As if to illustrate his point, he pressed back again, hard.

* * *

Well, if he wanted it so bad then Shin wasn't gonna complain. He moved to meet the Drifter, barely able to think past the way the other man felt on him. Hot, still so fucking tight, the weight of him only serving to increase that painful pressure. He was a little cruel, still making sure to brush against that spot every thrust, just to make him sob and shake. The things it did to the way they were connected though, he wasn't sure he could be blamed for it.

Moving faster and faster, harsher in his movements, Shin just focused on using the Drifter however he wanted. Getting himself off using his body however he pleased, just chasing that peak. By the end the Drifter must have been hurting like hell, body raw and bruised, and Shin could barely keep the two of them up for much longer. Breath gone, nerves singing, he pressed himself as far into and against the Drifter as he could manage, melding the two of them and spilling inside the other with a broken yell.

* * *

Oh, fuck, that did hurt. It added wonderfully to the feeling of being used, just a body for the hunter to do as he pleased with. Distantly, he realised a small part of him had been on edge all night till now, stressed by the unfamiliarity of being cared for so completely, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it hadn't, he had forced it to.

This, he knew exactly how to do. What to expect. Drifter sobbed, moving against the overwhelming mixture of pain and pleasure, trying to make it as good as he could for Shin until finally, finally, _God_, he could feel the man reaching that peak and filling him up and it was perfect, better than he had dared to imagine.

* * *

He kept them there, shuddering and desperate, tried to catch his breath. His hair was in his eyes, clumped with sweat, and he could barely think past the pounding of blood in his ears. Slowly, carefully, he got the two of them to the floor. Sliding out, he moved the Drifter's shaking form to rest in his lap, facing him. Kissed the tears away from the corners of his eyes, smoothed damp hair back.

Trying not to think about whether this was the same cloth as last time (probably not, right? Cloths all looked the same), he repeated the procedure. Melt ice to body temperature, use the pleasantly damp cloth to clean them off. The Drifter felt wrecked, sensitive and raw to the point where Shin met him in a kiss to try and reduce the discomfort. Once they were both clean though, he just wrapped his arms around the man, still stroking his hair, and held him close. "Thank you, darlin'," he murmured, once he had the breath for it.

* * *

Drifter could have wept, he really could, all that tenderness coming right back as the hunter took care of his raw, aching body, cleaned him off and kissed him through any discomfort before taking him in his arms, holding him close.

And then Shin just had to go and _thank_ him with one of those sweet fuckin' pet names he had been torturing him with, and Drifter went and made a downright shameful noise then, and not even in a goddamn sexy way, just something way too close to a sob, hiding his face against the warm chest in front of him, curling into himself, wishing he could just disappear.

* * *

"Aw hey, hey," he paused in the stroking motion, brow wrinkling a little before he restarted. Whatever comfort he could give. "It's ok." He didn't know what he'd done, to produce this kind of reaction. A part of him worried that he'd hurt the Drifter worse than he'd thought, that he was in enough pain to do this. But, well, nothing they'd done had come close to wounding the Drifter badly enough for this.

He distantly recalled the way his chest had felt as though it were caving in around him though, that sucking despair as the Drifter had held him and kept him safe. So he pressed his lips to the top of the Drifter's head, murmuring reassurances and affection to him, keeping him close. "You're alright. You're so good."

* * *

If the worm inside him could have killed him right now, it would have. A small moment of weakness was all it took for it to sink its teeth and let the poison seep into his blood, making him feel so _worthlessgoodfornothingweakfailurefleshwormfood-_

Shin's words, whispered right against him, somehow managed to cut through all the noise, becoming louder than anything else in his head, and Drifter felt like he could breathe easy again. He relaxed into the hunter's arms. It was the claim, he knew suddenly, that gave the words power, earnestly meant praise as genuine metaphysical sustenance, same as the Worm Gods used worship.

* * *

Shin breathed in the scent of him, eyes closed. Some restrained instinct in him, the shard only a part of it, wanted to take the body in his arms and _break_ it. Didn't feel so big and powerful when he wasn't stood above him and hurting him, did he? He could bite down, choke him, break bones. Carefully, strength restrained, Shin squeezed. Just a little. Enough to register, hopefully add to that feeling of security.

It was stupid, to be feeling this protective. Just because the Drifter had been weak for a moment, hadn't had it 100% together, didn't mean he couldn't take on anything the world could throw at him. That said, he'd fucking tear out the throat of anything that stepped near the man. "You're ok, I've got you."

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer realised that yeah, Shin did have him. And he _was_ ok. It was as much like trust as he had ever been capable of, this quiet, complete acceptance, and god, it might be his downfall, Drifter knew that full well, but if he also got to have moments like these, he could be alright with that.

He sighed at the squeeze, nuzzled up against Shin's neck. "Thank you." Part of him still wanted to question why the fuck he was being so nice to him after all that Drifter had done just earlier that evening, but he did his best to quiet it down.

* * *

Aw, hell. No, don't thank him. His face did something funny, shoulders twitching in a flinch. He still wasn't sure how to do this, still worried constantly over it. Had been on the ship for _one_ day and already given the Drifter near-enough a flashback to hurt. Tilting his head up a little, he instead rested his chin against the top of the Drifter's head.

"Don't need to thank me," was all he could get together, nowhere near what he wanted to say. Something along the lines of _'please fuckin' don't, I already fucked up once'_ but, well. He _had_ already fucked up once. Didn't want to start an argument now.

* * *

Drifter closed his eyes, focused on breathing deep, taking a few minutes to compose himself. He almost wished he could just go to sleep like this, god knows he was tired and achy enough for it. But, well, the spectre of the Nine weighted a bit too heavy on him for that, and part of him felt it would be very unfair to the hunter to leave recent events unspoken.

That was how things had gotten so bad every time before, wasn't it? They didn't talk and made assumptions and hid things until it all fucking exploded in their faces. The idea of it all repeating itself again made him feel sick. So, yeah, he could make an effort. "I'm sorry, Shin. I had no right to freak out on ya like that, earlier." His voice was small, rough with tiredness and shame.

* * *

His hand froze again, arm muscles tight and aching with it. Shin took a deep breath, went back to petting his hair. He didn't want to have this conversation. Never really wanted to have most conversations where he was wrong, where it was going to hurt. Cowardice, sure, but talking it over hadn't ever helped him as much as a gun had.

"Not your fault," he said instead, eyes fixed somewhere in the distance. Well, on the wall across from him. Still had some cum on it, god that needed cleaning. "I wasn't thinkin' things through." If he _had_ thought for more than a second, he would've known how badly things would go.

* * *

For a second, as Shin stopped and tensed, Drifter thought he'd be angry at him for bringing it up. Would finally realise how much of a colossal asshole the Lightbearer had been, push him away, something. But the hunter just went right back to petting his hair, and that small gesture, what he said, just opened up something inside the rogue.

"I know now you didn't mean anythin' by it." He spoke slowly, cheek against the man's chest. Eyes still closed, which made being sincere much easier, made it possible to speak without running everything through a strict filter first. "I just... saw _him_, the Renegade, and I thought. Maybe I've fallen for it again. Maybe I've fallen for someone who doesn't actually exist and is never going to be back, and Dredgen Vale has played me with the weirdest long con in the goddamn known universe." Well. Really sounded ridiculous when he said it like that.

* * *

"Y'know," he said drily, "sometimes I think the Shin in your head is smarter than the one outside of it." God, that would've been one hell of a con. Infiltrated the upper ranks of the vanguard, gotten some really good sex, sown discontent among the ranks, then turned up in the most melodramatic way possible for a showdown. "You ever decide to take me down for good, I'm expecting full costume too."

Joking felt a lot easier than admitting he had no real plans or desire to lay a finger on the Drifter. Even knowing that he kept risking his own stupid neck when they fed the thing inside him, even knowing that they might've broken his brain for good. Even knowing for a fact he was safer with the man gone.

He bit his lip. "I get it though. I got... Fuck, you know I hate being seen." Telling the truth, being yourself was a fucking mug's game. Drifter knew that. Vale would've been a more useful person to be full-time, felt like. Insufferable, sure. But useful.

* * *

Drifter chuckled, glad for the levity. "Oh, you got it." Thinking of it, though, none of his previous identities had that much of a distinctive style or look. Not as much as The Drifter had, anyway. Of the two of them, Shin had always been the one that was better at creating a specific look, when most of the time Drifter contented himself with going for as nondescript as possible.

Of course, the idea of 'taking him down for good' felt pretty absurd at the moment. He'd rather go up against a Worm God armed with nothing but bare hands and teeth.

Drifter nodded against the man's skin, planted a little kiss on it. "Yeah, I know. I get it. 'S hard." A small moment of hesitation. "No one else has ever seen me like this. It feels like you've always seen into me better than anyone."

* * *

It was real stupid that that tiny kiss could still do complicated and painful things to his chest. After everything they'd done so far? Stupid, real stupid. Didn't mean we wasn't gonna keep it close, enjoy it while it lasted.

As for seeing the Drifter... Well. Naked and pressed up against him probably wasn't on the list of ways most had seen him. Probably a few of them had though, so he couldn't be talking about that. Way he saw Drifter was its own weird special thing that mostly involved being scared as shit and excited about it.

Well fuck, no. That wasn't true any more. He exhaled, slow. Wasn't scared, these days. It was stupid, would get him killed, but he couldn't really look down at the pliant form he was holding and muster up that thrill of terror. As Vale he hadn't been scared either, but then as Vale he'd always known exactly what he wanted. The Renegade had been on edge constantly, watched the Drifter like a hawk behind that visor. Shin was just... Taking what he was given, he supposed. Letting it happen.

"Not sure I follow," he admitted, stroking fingers over cool skin. "'m sorry."

* * *

"That's ok." How could he ever explain? Drifter had always pushed so hard against being known that he'd rejected even having a proper name. He kept his own identity close to his chest and gave out as many lies as he ever did truths. Never kept anyone around long enough for them to find out which was which.

And then Shin had come along and seen the truth of him under all the stories and the personas, without even trying, and still didn't even understand what was special about it. Sure and most of it had been in a pretty ugly and confrontational way, but that was true to the core of him as well.

"Just need ya t'know I appreciate it, is all." He added, softly. It was ok if Shin didn't understand. It was still true, and good, and it made him feel all warm inside.

* * *

Shin wasn't ever really fond of not understanding something, and he frowned. Buried his face against the other and breathed him in as if it'd explain something. Anything.

"Well, I ever figure it out I'll let you know," he said, trying to smother the tension in those words. Not the time, not the place. Just appreciate what you have, the fuckin gift you've been given. "Not forgiven you for figurin' me out in five seconds back when I turned up at the Tower though. Hurts a man's pride, that kind of thing." He hadn't even known that shit about himself, so being read for a fool? God. Good thing it'd worked out well.

* * *

A small yawn. It was becoming harder and harder to keep his eyes open, and not pass out right in the middle of their conversation. "That's real fair." He'd like to hear what Shin figured out, he thought. He'd like to stick around long enough for them to have time for that, and so much more.

Drifter chuckled at that, pleased and just a little smug. "Had a hunch. But mostly I guess it was wishful thinkin'." He admitted. Coulda gone pretty damn bad for him if he'd turned out to be wrong, but what was life without a little risk?

* * *

That soothed his pride a little, even as he flushed. He really had just given everything away at once, huh? Just rolled over and taken it. It'd been mostly shock at the time, but it was still kinda laughable. Not that he'd stopped taking it, far from it. But at least it was on his terms and anticipated now. Reciprocated even, every once in a while.

"Let's get you into bed," he decided, eyeing up the pile of blankets that the single sleeping bag had morphed into. Damn, but he was going to get a mattress in here sometime. "Think you could use some rest." As he spoke, he started pulling off his own clothes. Leather bracers first, then pulling the shirt off over his head. The fact that he'd be sleeping with the Drifter was unspoken but assumed.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer could only nod, heavily. He hadn't wanted to sleep, but well... It was very hard to argue against rest, especially while watching Shin undress like that. He wanted to cuddle up to that beautiful warm body and not think about anything for a while.

And he _did_ need the rest, after all that he had put his body through. God, he did not regret a single thing, but he sure was gonna feel it in the morning. The idea made him smile to himself, breathe a little contented sigh.

* * *

Shucking his pants easily enough, Shin picked up the Drifter one last time and settled him into the pile of blankets. Settling down next to him, he pulled one blanket from the mess and tucked it around the two of them as best he could. Once the cold air was locked out a little, he set to work entangling the Drifter thoroughly in his arms and legs. Partly because he was going to freeze in his sleep otherwise, partly to get as much skin to skin content as he could manage. Keeping the Drifter close, safe in his grasp.

He wasn't going to sleep, not for a little while. Wasn't nearly tired enough to try. Lying awake and keeping Drifter cosy though, he could manage that. Try puzzle out what the hell he'd been talking about.

* * *

As Shin moved him into bed, Drifter realised he hadn't even made an attempt to get there by himself, taking it for granted that the other man would take care of him. How quickly he could get used to something like that, huh.

It hurt a little, being moved right now, but the soft bedding and the way the hunter was wrapping himself around him were just so damn nice, he quickly forgot about it and felt so comfortable, safe. He murmured a _thank you_ that was followed by another yawn, closing his eyes, and Drifter fell asleep almost immediately.

* * *

Shin lay there for a long time, just counting breaths and letting the day's tension bleed away. The Drifter would move every so often, twitch like he was awake again, but no. Just moving in his sleep.

It was after one of those motions, jolting Shin from his contemplation, that he found himself going back over Drifter's words. Turning them around in his head. The Drifter's doubts and fears, just offered up for him to pick over. He sighed. Every lie he'd ever told had contributed to that day's shitshow, and clearly they hadn't been forgotten. Maybe not even properly forgiven. _'Maybe I've fallen for it again'_ was one way of putting it.

Lost in thought, running the conversation over and over in his head, it took a few minutes for Shin to freeze. Remember some words the Drifter had said while he was ripped open and close to death. _Fallen for someone who-_

Oh, fuck.

The Drifter slept on, uncaring as Shin manfully kept his panic silent. He'd been out of it both times, admittedly one moreso than the other but... well, maybe he'd misspoken this latest time. Hadn't meant to imply what he had, would be horrified to know that Shin was obsessing over it as he slept. A heavy, aching feeling consumed him, the weight of the Drifter in his arms no longer reassuring.

Did he? Was this... did he know what he was doing? Did he _want_ the Drifter to have meant it? He didn't have any answers, and sleep took a long time to claim him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"A man says to another man, There is something I have to tell you. No, says the other man. No, you don't."_  
\- Richard Siken


	14. Chapter 14

For once, Drifter woke up slowly. Parts of his body were screaming at him already, but he could barely hear them through the pleasant haze of half consciousness. He had no idea what time it was, and he didn't plan to find out until he absolutely needed to. If there was anything truly important he should be attending to, his Ghost would have woken him for it.

He realised then he was still snuggled up to Shin, and he smiled a little, without realising. Guess part of him had wondered if he would wake up to find the man gone again, and he had never been happier to be wrong.

* * *

Shin curled into the warmth of the Drifter, slowly rising up out of sleep before waking with a jerk. He hadn't dreamed, mind somewhat exhausted after the previous day, and he groaned. Burying his face in the Drifter's chest, he tried to press himself into the other man and just stop existing entirely. His eyes and back hurt, the fog of sleep still clinging to him, and he wanted nothing more than to go back to unconsciousness.

Or, failing that, stay cuddled up to the Drifter until the man was sick of him. Hopefully he had some capital to burn trapping the man in bed like this.

* * *

Ugh, why did he have to think about his Ghost warning him if he had anything to do? It was like it had summoned the thing. Gambit, yeah, yeah. Drifter swatted at it like a fly, asking it to go away, and indulged himself in thinking for a few moments of staying right where he was, go back to sleep, Gambit players waiting for him be damned. But ugh, that was unrealistic, he knew.

Instead, he did his best to actually take stock of his body, which was clearly getting back at him for ignoring it before and saving up as much pain and tension as possible. Bastard. Drifter grunted a little as he tried to do his best to extricate himself from the hunter's embrace gently, after kissing the top of his head, hoping he could still leave him to sleep for a while.

* * *

Aw, hell. Hurt to be left like that, even if it was the sweetest goodbye he thought he'd gotten in a while. He loosened his grip some, then waited ‘til the Drifter was gone before sitting up. He wasn't getting any more sleep then. Not by himself, without a warm body to distract from the solid floor beneath him. So, clothes. Shoes, armour. Make a coffee because the stuff down at the canteen was hell, then just transmat right down to the place he'd earmarked as a good spot at the Tower.

Five minutes later he swore, transmatted back up and spent a couple minutes cleaning dried cum off the walls because _really_. The bed taunted him, and he scowled before transmatting down to deal with a new day's wave of guardians with asinine questions.

* * *

It wasn't going to be a very energetic day for Gambit hosting, but frankly, the guardians could cope. He was here running things for them, standing up through the pain and everything, when he could have been wrapped around a naked, gorgeous hunter instead. So they better be fucking grateful, is all he was saying.

There was none of his usual pacing in the control room, just sitting in the not too comfortable chair, leaning into the microphone, a hand on his cheek supporting the weight of his face. "There ya go. Well done." He said, before sending an invader back with their own team. God, but he was so tired.

* * *

To his credit, Shin was doing his level best not to traumatise every baby hunter and titan who came up to him and started trying to get him to do something. He was seeing a future of setting up treasure hunts stretching out before him and fuck did the idea hurt his skull.

Eventually, half an hour after one of them asked him _again_ for some kind of task like self-determined goals couldn't exist, he snapped. Pulling out a pad, he scrolled through for a list of on-site guardians and picked one at random.

"You are gonna find this... person," he told the hunter, a look in his eye that might have come off as a little unhinged. "You're gonna stick one of these things in his pocket without being noticed, and then you're gonna come back to me. For. I don't know, something." So saying, he bounced a small enough metal disc off the hunter's helmet. It was just an old coin, currency now defunct, that he'd smoothed one solar-hot thumb over to wipe the image. "That'll be 200 glimmer and if you come back again without a fuckin' video log I'll kick you off the Tower myself." So saying, he settled back against the wall and slugged back the cold remnants of his drink.

* * *

After a few hours of matches, Drifter could really feel himself being way grumpier than usual, exhaustion making irritation come a lot easier. When he felt himself wanting to kick a kid's ass for not focusing on the envoys enough, he knew it was time to take a little break.

He wrapped up the match quick as he could, practically kicked the players out of his ship, and retreated to the control room to just... sit down for a few minutes, maybe rest his eyes a little. Or at least, that was the plan.

* * *

While Shin had never in his life made any kind of mistake, obviously, he had sort of cocked this one up. The problem was, once he'd given one of them something to do, the others somehow got wind. And then he was swamped with guardians in all shapes and sizes wanting tasks like it. Suffice to say, it rather defeated the purpose of randomly choosing secret targets if half the Tower was crowding him into a corner.

He'd had to start switching things up, assigning some of them area monitoring details for short periods, giving some of them obscure or difficult high or low points in the Tower to reach. One, who'd been particularly pushy, he just grabbed and showed one narrow pipe over 1000ft beneath them. As nicely as could be managed when undercaffeinated and overwhelmed, he told them to either land on that or come back tomorrow.

Prizes had been complicated, before he remembered he could draw from the Tower weapon stock. And that he had a couple of pretty decent shaders he'd designed half a century ago and just slapped on everything he didn't care to match since. So, prizes with a little flair until he figured out what he was doing, occasionally modding one that looked particularly awful in exchange for a good job by the guardian. He was halfway through inspecting a pretty decent sniper for a warlock who seemed a good shot, replacing the scope on it. Then everything shifted a little to the left, his head growing heavy. He blinked, vision swimming, and somewhere someone was saying something that he couldn't understand.

Then Shin was somewhere else entirely, and it _hurt_.

* * *

There were shapes, at first. Repeated triangles forming complex fractal structures, catching on the edges of reality like claws as they passed by. The scale was all wrong. In the visions, Drifter usually felt like he was watching from far away, far enough away to see the immense scale of it all. This close up, it didn't make sense. It wasn't a ship, it wasn't anything his mind could make sense of, just a writhing mass of angles, impossible for human eyes to keep track of, pulsing with some incomprehensible dark purpose.

Why would he be shown this? How could it possibly help? In his dream, Drifter wanted to scream, but he knew if he did the thing would see him and crawl inside his mouth, cutting him and his Light to pieces on the way down.

* * *

If Shin had died the final death and gone directly to some kind of hell, it honestly couldn't have matched up to this. His skin was boiling, seething as the mass tugged and ripped at it not by virtue of any hate or malice against him but because Shin was just another thing in a world full of _things_ that did not matter. He closed his eyes, trying to block it out, but whatever he was experiencing it through it wasn't light or sound or touch and that meant that there was nothing he could do to avoid it. He was bleeding, maybe. Hard to tell, the eating away at him didn't exactly leave much behind and he didn't dare to look.

Far below the surface, something like a spiralling angular flower recursing within itself over and over unfurled closed petals. And it unfurled closed petals. And it- he dragged his focus away, mind stuttering and repeating. On the edge of attention, he caught a glimpse of someone almost human silhouetted against the sky before the next impossibility bloomed before him.

* * *

Drifter woke up when something rose up to hit him hard, which turned out to be the floor. He'd apparently been thrashing around during the nightmare, and had finally fallen off the chair.

He let all the remaining air in his lungs go out of him in a sigh, staying boneless against the floor. Once it had checked he was still alive, his Ghost just floated there, completely unconcerned. Drifter kept his eyes open, but it didn't stop him from still seeing that haunting pattern play out over and over again, like looking at something too bright and burning the shape of it into your eyes.

* * *

The shapes were gone, and Shin's mouth was thick with blood. It was bright, and there were shapes crowding in against him as he shook. There were hands on him, and he flinched away as best he could. He'd have gone for his gun, cleared some space that way, but he couldn't for the life of him make his limbs work. Instead he just spat red against the wall and inhaled, waited for his vision to clear.

They'd stopped touching him, and above him someone was saying something about a '_seizure?_' and another was trying to talk to him about something or other. A hand on his face, trying to hold his head still and there were _eyes_ on him. Trying to get him to look at them, burrow into him that way and take up lodging in his skull. He shook his head, looked away and tried to blank out the endless spiralling nonsense that had taken up residence in the cavity of his being. Inside his head, it writhed implacably.

* * *

It only took a minute, but it felt like he was lost in thought for much longer. But the memory of Shin and what had happened to him last time Drifter had one of his visions was like being jolted awake, and the Lightbearer pushed himself up, transmatted himself immediately to his living quarters.

There was no sign of the other man there, and it made a cold hard panic settle in his stomach. Drifter barked instructions at his Ghost to send the hunter a message, try to reach him and get his location by any means necessary.

* * *

He was just managing to get a handle on it, shoving that fucking monstrosity down into a box where nothing would ever reach it by focusing every scrap of his shattered focus on getting whoever it was who kept touching him to _stop_. The buried violence was hot and dark in his core, not even the shard really. Just him. Of course, the desire to rip them all to pieces was thwarted somewhat by his body's total lack of co-operation.

Eventually, through a supreme effort of will and not a little bloodspatter, he rasped out a "stop _fuckin'_ touching my face" and tried not to wince at the way the chatter redoubled. The hand left him though, chastened, so he'd count that as a victory. "Good," he managed, eyes focusing a little better. More victories, come on. He just had to manage more things, keep his head above water that way. There was a small crowd of guardians gathered around, more gawping from the sidelines at him. Fuck. Dull shame sounded through him as he realised the position he was in. Wasn't sure why, but this was weakness. Failure. Fuck.

* * *

No response. Fuck, _fuck_. Useless fucking Ghosts, couldn't rely on them for anything. If you wanted something done, in the end you could only count on yourself. Drifter transmatted himself into the Tower, going for the plaza instead of his usual spot in the annex because he knew Shin sometimes hung around. The Lightbearer was moving with purpose, serious as the guardians had never seen him before, every line of his body imbued with inflexible resolve.

He looked around and, at first, didn't see anything suspicious. But then his Ghost directed his attention upwards, where a crowd had apparently gathered. With a horrible feeling, heartbeat pounding in his own ears, Drifter didn't hesitate breaking into a run and jumping, riding the current of the massive fans up with a push of his own light, to land heavily on the area above.

He shot some of the crowd a dark look and pushed through towards the centre of it.

* * *

He was done, oh god was he done. His head still pounded, those shapes slicing through his thoughts every other breath, and there were people fucking _everywhere_ just watching him being stupid and weak. He'd throw himself off the edge of the roof if it weren't so damn far away. Still, that was a goal in itself so he managed to get something of a grip on the railing beside him and try to pull himself up.

Within seconds there were more hands on him and he wanted them _off_ but they were helping him to his feet even as they made all those concerned noises that reeked of pity. Being up on his feet hurt more, head swimming as it was deprived of blood for a little while, but at least he wasn't penned in by guardian after guardian. Couldn't stop himself shifting just a little, shoulders squaring defensively. No matter that he probably couldn't take more than a couple of them like this, he still needed that framework to keep up. Lying to them meant lying to himself, and parts of him were just stupid enough for it to work.

* * *

He saw it, then. Shin was there. Looking like he could fall over at any moment. Looking like he had already. Drifter could see some blood, and that was what made the mess of panic and rage inside him finally bubble over and put him into motion again, after freezing for a long, eternal second.

"Get your fuckin' hands off him." He all but growled at the guardians that were trying to help the hunter, looking like he was about ready to start ripping some heads off, wired and tense with his hands flexing at his sides.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a couple hunters reaching for their weapons, before a particularly perceptive warlock stopped then. Smart woman.

* * *

The Traveller hung over them, vast and looming, and Shin had always hated treating the thing like a benevolent god but he couldn’t help thanking it as a familiar shape made itself known. All concerns of discretion went out of the window, pure relief breaking over his face. Drifter could take them for him, get those hands off him, stop them _looking_ at him like he was broken and needed help.

His lips moved, made a noise that might have resolved to a “hey” or something a lot less intelligible, but he fixed his eyes on the Drifter’s and hoped he could read the thankfulness in them. Raising one hand, he used the back of it to wipe away some of the blood.

* * *

"Hey." Drifter repeated, more audible than the other man, voice still rough and strained. He just had a second to assess the situation, make a decision, feeling all eyes on him, but lost in what he saw in Shin's.

He wanted to forget about every single damn guardian nearby and rush to Shin, gather him up into his arms, and carry him out of there as fast as humanly possible. He wanted to wipe the blood off and kiss him and make sure he was alright and safe.

Drifter bit the inside of his cheek, sharp, telling himself he had to get his shit together. Shin had a reputation to maintain, he cared so much about that kind of thing, and that should be a priority right now.

So he took a breath and forced himself to move unhurried, getting closer and pushing away all the other guardians through pure intimidation. If Shin was of present mind enough take the initiative and make how Drifter could help known, he'd take it, otherwise it was going to be his call.

* * *

God, the urge to just pull on the fucking shard and use what it'd give him was so strong. But the guardians around him were, he reminded himself, not food. Not dark. Just kids, most of them anyways. Useless kids who needed to back the fuck off if they didn't know how to help instead of just gawping, but nothing worse. And the shard would go for them like this, anything to make it stop hurting. Swallowing blood, closing his eyes for a moment, he gritted his teeth. Put the words together first in his head, "Alright," he managed. "Show's over."

A murmur of discontent, one titan off to the side making herself heard and saying something about medical check-ups and concussions. His jaw clenched, hard. "Already got one ghost, don't need another." He glared up at the titan, trying not to look too hateful. Probably failing.

* * *

Drifter looked over the crowd. He reminded himself this was his thing - He had experience managing groups of guardians, he had just been caught off guard by the whole scene. But the rogue Lightbearer slipped into the Gambit Host persona now, or part of it, anyway, what was useful, squaring his shoulders. "Y'all heard the man." He started, projecting his voice. "Find somethin' else to entertain yourselves with. Get the hell outta here."

That didn't seem to get through to too many of them, and Drifter gritted his teeth in frustration. "_I_ will make sure Mr. Hunter vanguard here has a proper checkup. Now, I'm gonna count to ten in my head, and any one of ya who's still here when I'm done ain't ever seein' the inside of a Gambit arena again." His body language made it clear that wasn't the only threat he was prepared to make, and after a few moments even the few guardians he knew not to be big Gambit fans had jumped off or transmatted away.

* * *

The moment the last of them was gone, Shin crumpled to the ground. He hated this, hated being watched and seen and not even being able to put up a decent fight because his brain had decided that doing its job just wasn't on the cards. At the back of his mind fractals diverged, and he crushed them back, down, away from conscious thought.

"Fuck," he rasped, bringing one hand up to cover his face. "_Fuck_." Rumour mill would be chugging away soon enough, every year-old light gossiping about how he'd been shaking and weak on the ground and- he inhaled, trying not to sob. Fuck, he hated this. It was... With the Drifter it was fine, they'd both seen each other worse and made that happen. Hadn't thought he'd be sharing the indignity of it in front of strangers.

* * *

As soon as Shin started to go down, Drifter was right there with him, a hand on his arm to keep him steady, make his descent more gentle. It was as much as he dared to touch him out here in the open, and he tried really hard not to focus on how he felt about that. Very much not the time.

"Hey, hey, I got ya." Drifter said, voice just above a whisper. "Let's go to the Derelict, ok? Let's get you home."

He desperately wanted some privacy, so he could have a proper look at the hunter and speak about what had happened. Preferably while holding him in his arms.

* * *

Shin nodded, wanting desperately to be anywhere besides here, in the open, surrounded by sky and noise and the ever-watching god-orb _thing_ that kept his carcass moving. "Please," he had to make a conscious effort not to just cling to Drifter. This was already. God, they'd already been way too suspicious as was. With a supreme effort he nodded again, attempted to look less heartsick, and let himself be transmatted up.

The second he was aboard the ship, out of the way of prying eyes, Shin practically buried himself in the Drifter. If he was close enough, surrounded by bulk and warmth, it was almost like the wheeling horror that had taken up residence in his skull wasn't still breaking him down from within.

* * *

The Drifter immediately threw his arms around the smaller man, bringing him as close as possible while being as gentle as he could.

"It's ok, Shin, you're home and you're ok." He reassured, fervently. He was glad to be out of the Tower, but still worried sick and incredibly tense. Drifter lowered them both to the bedding, and got one of his arms away from the hunter just long enough to get a blanket over his shoulders, wrapping the man against his own body. That hand then went to examine Shin's head, wipe away some of the blood.

* * *

Shin's head jerked away against his will as fingers brushed against the mass of shapes pouring out of him. Except, no, that didn't make sense. It hurt, though, and the fragments hurt, and separating the two seemed beyond his control. He forced himself to stay still, resolutely not biting down against his already-mangled tongue.

Breathing. Just taking breath after breath. He could do that. "Not dyin', am I?" Shin managed after a while, the joke falling flat.

* * *

When the man jerked away, Drifter let his hand fall, just to bring it around and lightly touch his fingers to the back of Shin's neck, making soothing shushing noises.

"You are gonna be just fine, darlin'. Promise." He _was_ going to be ok, because Drifter would make sure of it, and then he would go kick nine interdimensional asses until they dissipated into the barest components of existence again.

* * *

"I'm not a _child_," he growled out before he could think, anger flashing hot through him at the gentle movements. Like he was broken, defective. He regretted it almost immediately, frustration draining away and leaving him more tired than before. Still aching with shame, but without that tension. "Sorry," he said after a few anxious seconds, dropping his head. "Fuck. Sorry."

Something in him just hated the care. Hated what he associated with it, that he needed it in the first place. Shin wasn't supposed to need or want that, wasn't meant to be so breakable.

* * *

Part of him fired anger back, but he dismissed it almost as quickly as it appeared. Drifter stayed still, calm.

"I know you ain't a child. That's why I know you're gonna be fine." He spoke plainly, matter of fact. "Because you're the strongest damn person I know, Shin. Anyone else? I'd be contemplating putting them down for good just to end their misery." A small shrug of one shoulder. "But you, nah. You can take on these bastards."

* * *

Might not be the worst plan, he guessed. Shin's brow wrinkled, eyes still hazy.

"Killin' me's a good plan maybe," he admitted, almost apologetic. "Don't think this one's going." Not permanently, just for a little while. Just to rest him. Put some distance between him and those jagged wheels.

It didn't feel like he could win, honestly. Didn't feel like he could take on one of the Nine if it appeared in front of him with a bullseye painted on its head. Assuming it had one. But the Drifter had been doing this longer than him and he seemed to be scraping by. God, it hurt though.

* * *

Drifter tried really hard not to grimace at that, keep his face composed. He didn't want to kill Shin, not right now, and not only because of the havoc it was going to wreck with his current tithe equilibrium. But... He felt guilty enough already, this was entirely his fault, and therefore his responsibility to deal with. He wouldn't deny Shin anything.

He pet the dark hair softly. "If you think it'll help." He agreed, with not a small amount of kindness in his voice. "How d'you want me to do it?"

* * *

'Any way the Drifter wanted' was the honest answer, but Shin got the feeling that wouldn't be taken too well. Making it hurt would distance him more, give him some other context for himself than pain he hadn't chosen and couldn't understand. That kind of thing was messy though, and Drifter looked fucked up enough over this as was regardless of how he tried to mask it. It was the absence of that usual interest that gave him away.

"Quick 'n clean," he said instead, an easy lie. Let himself lean into the press of fingers against his hair and neck, that melting simplicity. Didn't help much, not when every blink flashed up things he'd rather not think about. Still gave a little comfort though.

* * *

There was something in the way Shin said it... Drifter didn't quite believe it. "I've got you, sweetheart. Lemme take care of it. Give you what y'need." He spoke in smooth, soothing tones as he repositioned the both of them, putting the blanket aside and making Shin sit with his back pressed against the rogue Lightbearer's chest, on his lap.

Then, Drifter took out a knife. Same one he had cut Shin with right in this same ship, what felt like forever ago. Things seemed to move quickly lately. Still petting Shin's hair, smoothing it back from his forehead tenderly, Drifter let the man see the blade and carefully watched for his reaction.

* * *

More contact was good, even if it wasn't exactly skin to skin. He leaned back, still tired as hell from the ordeal and relying on the Drifter to support him against his own weight.

The knife, though. Huh. He tilted his head to the side, neck bared, a little interest. Slower than a gunshot at least, might do the trick better. Was a good knife too, he remembered. Felt good against and in his skin, and the Drifter had certainly liked it. Humming a gentle noise of approval, he nodded slightly. Maybe he'd enjoy it just a little, if it was as pretty as it'd been last time to him.

* * *

Good, that was good. A bit more at ease, some anticipation. Drifter put one hand under Shin's jaw, tilting his head back to completely expose the line of Shin's throat.

He kissed the hunter's forehead from above, leaned down a bit to whisper right in his ear. "There we go, darlin'." The edge of the blade, very softly resting against sensitive skin of the neck now. "Do ya still want it quick? Or would you like me to cut your throat open, let you bleed out, kiss you through it?"

* * *

Shin let himself be moved, breath quickening at the press of the knife despite himself. It was stupid, he wanted to die. That sickening pattern would leave him, be dulled in its sharpness, and he'd get to breathe free again. He kept his eyes open, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to focus on the way it twisted and writhed above him.

Shivering slightly, he swallowed. The knife rasped ever so slightly against his stubble. "Think you know the answer," Shin replied unsteadily. Then, in case it wasn't abundantly clear, "second one. Please."

* * *

"Good boy." Another kiss, right on his temple this time. Another whisper in Shin's ear, this time with just a little sternness to it. "Don't ever tell me what you think I wanna hear again. I want the truth about what you want, _always_."

Drifter twisted the hunter's head to the side just enough for their lips to meet, then using his leverage on the jaw to part his lips, make it into an open, languid sorta kiss. Letting the knife bite into skin at the same time his tongue pushed itself inside Shin's mouth, carving up a deep crimson gash from one side of the hunter's throat to the other.

* * *

He froze, caught in the lie and unsure of what to do. Luckily the Drifter was perfectly willing to decide for him, opening him up and pressing into him as he wanted. Then the drag and choke of searing pain, blood pulsing into his throat and mouth so high that the Drifter had to taste it on him.

If the other man hadn't had so firm a grip on him, he wouldn't have been able to keep his head from dropping back and forcing the wound to gape open, muscles anchoring him forward thoroughly severed. As it was his mouth dropped open as the sides of it went slack, doing his best to gasp a breath against the bubbling iron. Shin pressed back against the Drifter's chest, shaking.

* * *

Drifter licked lazily against the hunter's mouth, kissing him deep and slow, unhurried. The flow of blood had been strong and immediate, absolutely beautiful. The knife's job done, Drifter touched his fingertips to the sticky, wet-hot redness.

"Hmm, stunnin'. You bleed so well." Drifter praised, when he had to break the kiss to get some air. He nuzzled at the other man's cheek with his nose, taking a moment to appreciate the gasps, the shaking of his body. "Just relax now, my dear, for me. Just let it all go." Drifter covered Shin's mouth with his again, stealing what little air the man could be getting.

* * *

Darkness stole up on Shin quickly, the patterns fading as he gasped for breath against the other's lips. He couldn't think past the blood surging in his windpipe, couldn't stop himself from coughing and choking on hot crimson.

He did his best to hold out, he really did, but his body wouldn't obey him and he could barely feel it. Dimly, he was aware that Drifter was touching him, saying something, pressing lips to his, but it was no longer anything he had input into. Slumping, his eyes glazed and everything started to shut down, lifeblood painting the two of them. It didn't take long, barely even half a minute before the choking breaths finally cut off and the body was still.

* * *

It was a strange thing, feeling someone die in your arms. Got a strange emotional significance, even when you knew they'd be back. Drifter knew he would never get over the amount of trust Shin showed him with this, a level of vulnerability most people could barely imagine. It really was enough to make a man forget any reservations.

He just stayed there, covered in blood, cradling the corpse of the man he loved. Huh. With Shin not present like this, it was easier to admit to himself. Easier to recognise the truth when the ache of not having him cut too deep to be anything else. He knew Shin had to rest, that was more than alright, but he hoped the hunter would come back to him soon.

* * *

Shin sputtered back into life, neck burning where skin had sealed back together and the taste of blood rich in his throat. Not as clean as it could have been, his ghost still harbouring that touch of frustration. There were worse ways for it to take that out on him though, so he sent it thanks and appreciation and the sensation of being better than he had been before. That mollified it a little, he thought. It cleaned the blood from him at any rate, like he was fresh again.

He turned his head, breathing in the bloodied scent of him, before pressing his lips against the Drifter. "Thank you," he breathed, meaning it. He could think again, see clearly, feel properly. The memories had faded well enough to be manageable, and he felt _good_.

* * *

Drifter felt relief flood him when Shin came back to life, squeezing him closer for a short moment. When the hunter kissed him, thanked him, Drifter felt a little burst of happiness in his chest. He had done well, _helped_.

"Least I could do." He said, with a small smile, and meant it too. "Whatever you need, y'know that."

Shin did look one hell of a lot better now, more focused and present, eyes clear. That was very good. The Deep thing inside the rogue Lightbearer, having just been fed, sat simmering quietly just under his skin, and that was less good, but he could deal with it.

* * *

Shin stretched, almost luxuriant in the healed form. No aches, no pains. No screaming in the pit of him. He kissed the Drifter again, just enjoying the lazy movements. He broke away, looked the Drifter in the eye. Yeah, there it was. That little curling darkness that meant he wanted more.

"Later," he offered, sliding backwards to stand, winding his hand through the Drifter's hair. "I can take that down a peg. If you'd like." Just an offer, fingers working loosely at the man's scalp. He could find Thorn food anywhere, he supposed. But if it helped, then he'd certainly prefer to take it.

* * *

Of course, Shin saw it on him instantly. He didn't know why he hadn't expected that to be the case. Drifter closed his eyes, sighed at the feeling of fingers in his hair. "Please."

Maybe this was it, the way out of the Deep's vicious cycle, which if not overcome through trickery and cunning would surely destroy anyone trying to wield its power. Maybe they could just... Keep each other in check, balanced. He knew it was wishful thinking, and that it was more likely their energies would create an even more terrible feedback loop, accelerated crashing and burning. But well, it was a nice idea, and right now he could almost believe in it.

* * *

“And,” Shin added regretfully, “we’re gonna have to figure out what to do about this. ‘Cause you’re a gem an' all, but I start dropping halfway through conversations and the kids are gonna think I’m a liability.”

The sting of shame was dulled there, too. Wasn’t his fault, wasn’t anyone’s besides some extradimensional windbags who didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. Still fuckin’ burned that he’d been helpless and half the guardians in the Tower had seen it, but there was fuck all he could’ve done. Maybe they’d leave him alone from now on if they thought he was that much of a mess.

Wait, no. They were gonna be all over him forever, fuck.

* * *

His eyes opened again immediately at that. "Yeah, that's fair. I kinda passed out in my chair. I'm sorry." It had most definitely been his fault. Drifter hadn't intended to fall asleep, it had just sort of happened. But that was a weakness he couldn't permit himself anymore, not when it affected Shin like this.

"I will..." He caught himself before saying 'I will not sleep anymore' which was impractical and probably a kneejerk overreaction. "I'll only sleep when we're both here. No more naps."

* * *

"S'fine," Shin decided, scratching idly at the back of Drifter's head. "Not like we knew for sure that'd happen anyway." Suspicions, yeah. But nothing that would've registered to him, tired as he must have been. He smiled, fingers digging in just a little too deep for comfort. "'Sides, you'll be making it up to me later."

Probably it wasn't fair that he'd gotten Drifter to do him a favour and now he was going to get even more of what he wanted. Then again, the other tended to enjoy it every bit as much regardless of how sordid the activities were. So really, who could even tell who owed who any more.

Besides the thing that he felt around his throat every so often, like a hand. Or a collar. But that was for him to worry about, wasn't it?

* * *

Yeah, guess they didn't really know. At least it was some more information to work with, he supposed, and they could work around it to make sure it never happened again.

The small little sparks of pain created by those fingers made a full body shiver ripple through him, and Drifter had to try really hard not to make any kind of noise. "Yes. I will." Well, so much for not sounding too eager.

He could already feel the thrill of anticipation wrapping itself around his spine. Already wanted to be ripped apart, feel some of the squirming darkness go away, some of the guilt for everything he had done to the man.

* * *

Shin paused, easing up some. "How the hell you making all those synths, anyway? I'm gonna have to start doing something like it, gonna bleed the Tower dry of guns at this rate."

Nobody had told him he'd have to start finding guns and armour and whatnot when he'd signed up. The ones he was giving the kids right now were trash though, even modded. New clip or suppressor couldn't make a bad gun good, and he refused to hand out something that'd get one of them killed if there was an alternative. Better guns though, earned over a longer period? That he could do. Seemed like half the folks here had set up their own currency, if he was gonna stick around and get any form of rep back he might as well do the same.

He resumed stroking the man's hair, gentler now.

* * *

Drifter laughed a little, feeling himself relax with it. "Get the kids to bring ya some mats, make 'em into a pretty coin, save a Ghost blueprint. Easy." Who would have thought, Shin Malphur thinking about this type of everyday Tower business, maybe even really getting into his role now.

"You should talk to Amanda as well, she can probably get ya some kinda sparrow blueprint to give out, kid's are always lookin' for new ones." Drifter melted back into the gentle touch, which made it really difficult to think of any more proper advice. "And, uh... Work that fashion sense of yours, darlin'. Guardians like pretty clothes."

* * *

Sighing, he could see the day’s work stretching out ahead of him. Artistry, huh. Didn’t exactly like the idea of a Tower full of Malphur look-alikes, he’d worked a long time on that style. Then again, he’d developed a few of those hadn’t he?

Probably it wouldn’t be smart to dress guardians like Zyre either, but god wouldn’t it be funny? They’d probably benefit from it too. Well, no mind. He’d work something out. “Gonna make something way better than the stuff you’re flogging them,” he informed the Drifter, only half joking. God that stuff was ugly. He gave the man one last stroke through his hair, then regretfully stood back. “Thanks though. I’ll, damn. I’ll give it a go I guess.”

* * *

Drifter did his best to look offended, though the corner of his mouth still curved upwards. "Hey, my stuff works. They'll work to get it. I'll call that good enough." He couldn't avoid breaking into a smile any longer. "Sure that yours will be better, though. You're gonna be great."

The man had plenty good skills for the job, just needed some adjustment. Drifter himself has gone through a bit of the same thing, when he first arrived.

"No worries." He tried not to look too saddened by the loss of the contact. Ugh, he probably had to keep running Gambit, before the kids really started wondering where the hell he had gone with the hunter vanguard. Drifter looked at Shin, smiled a little, almost awkward. "Uh, I'll see you tonight?"

* * *

Leaning back in to press a kiss to the corner of the Drifter's mouth, Shin grinned. "You are definitely gonna be seeing me tonight." He winked, drew back with one last lingering look. A jaunty little half wave, then he transmatted back down.

The moment he was back on the plaza of course, a pack of kids mobbed him and wanted to know if he was dying. That took care of his good mood, at least. A long day of fobbing off questions and giving half answers while trying to actually get his business done loomed, and he tried not to panic. It'd be fine, and he certainly had something to look forward to later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You just wanted to prove there was one safe place, just one_  
_safe place where you could love him. You have not found that place yet."_  
\- Richard Siken


	15. Chapter 15

Hours of Gambit matches had never felt so long before. Drifter had so much on his mind - worried about Shin before, he hadn't even gotten a chance to properly reflect on the Nine's vision. Now he was stressing himself out with the vague feeling that there was something about it he was forgetting, something important.

He got a couple of kids asking about Shin, kids he was certain hadn't been there for the events of earlier in the day. Which, of course, meant that talk of the whole thing was already spreading. What's more, it seemed to cement the idea in some guardians’ heads that Drifter was the person to go talk to about the hunter vanguard. Just great.

God, was he ever glad he had some stress relief planned for tonight. Wasn't sure how he'd get through it otherwise.

* * *

To call the rest of Shin's day productive would have been something of a lie. He'd gotten a certain amount done, part through just ignoring the people calling after him once the first hour of questions had gone by, part through an heroically stealthy trip down into the hangar while everyone was distracted by some glimmer he'd dropped. Real classy stuff.

He'd gotten a sparrow blueprint knocked out relatively quickly, taking a solid enough fast-summon base with some... Well, call them _interesting_ booster options. Thing might explode one in a thousand times, as Holliday had happily told him, but it'd go like hell was behind you ‘til then. Worked for him. And it was sleek. By god was it a good-looking vehicle. If Shin wasn't too fond of his own ride he'd consider taking it for a spin.

That had taken up so many hours of his day that he'd looked up at last to see a gaggle of guardians just watching him in fascination and had nearly collapsed all over again. And realised that the Drifter would be done soon, which meant it was time to make himself scarce. Without further acknowledging any of the guardians, he transmatted away to his room post-haste and from there, to the Derelict.

* * *

So, maybe the last match of the day had been a little bit faster than usual, just a bit easier. More ammo, strategically positioned hostiles. Just ended a little earlier than predicted, so Drifter could finally close up for the day, send the last batch of kids on their way with some extra loot just to keep them happy.

As he thought, he had gotten there before Shin. Looking around for some food, the rogue Lightbearer ended up eating about three MREs in pretty impressive time. Would probably need the strength, really, and he hadn't had anything else all day.

Sat in the chair in front of the desk, he looked around. Room looked a bit messy, but normal levels, just lived in. Was there anything he should prepare? What even would that be? God, his own thoughts sounded ridiculous to him right now.

* * *

The Drifter was waiting for Shin when he got back up to the Derelict, all anxious energy and anticipation. It helped to relax him, oddly enough. Knowing that someone else was more on edge than him helped with his confidence just a little. He grinned as he approached where Drifter was sat, stepping lightly.

He might not be exactly sure what he was going to do, exactly, but he knew he'd like it. Hoped that Drifter would too, the way he'd seemed to enjoy it those two other times. Placing a hand on the man's shoulder, half comfort and half restraint, he leaned in.

"You're still ok with this?" He asked quietly.

* * *

After a few hours away, just that goddamn grin was enough to make Drifter's breath a little shaky. Wow. Shin just wanted to go right for it, no 'how was your day' preambles, which honestly was exactly what Drifter had hoped for, but wasn't sure he would get. He'd waited enough.

It was almost hard not to flinch away from that touch, on instinct, given the kind of energy the hunter was radiating now. Dark and dangerous, enticing the same way the edge of a cliff was.

He swallowed, hard. "Yeah. God, yeah."

* * *

Hmm. Well then. That dark he kept clawing at the walls of his chest grew, stretched itself wide along his limbs and sank into the meat of him. He inhaled sharply, skin hot all of a sudden.

"Good," he replied, and the voice didn't quite sound his any more. Still Shin, but with the faintest hint of rumbling baritone echoing behind. Beneath his fingers, the fabric of the Drifter's coat started to scorch and curl, and really why did he need that thing on anyway? Pulling him up, Shin went for something that was more bite than kiss, more hold than embrace. He got the man's coat off him though, starting work on the rest of it as he pressed himself into the Drifter's mouth.

* * *

The change in the hunter had been immediate, fascinating to watch. Drifter could only stare, wide-eyed. It wasn't exactly physical, just the way he carried himself, the way he spoke, the way he _looked_ at Drifter. God, he had started trembling before being touched at all, before he could see those scorching hands on his coat.

The Lightbearer gasped and let that mouth start its attack, let himself be moved into the other man, only making little shifts to help the movement of any clothes coming off.

* * *

Breastplate, shirt, both were tossed to the floor while Shin continued to work his way into the Drifter, licking and biting without much real technique but hard enough to bruise. Enough to draw blood, the hunter's skin flaring hot as a couple of droplets made their way into his mouth. He had to close his eyes then, keep just a little control so that he didn't simply go straight for the throat.

The Drifter's skin was reddening at his touch, all sensitivity and pain. Nothing serious, just enough that when he ran one finger down the centre of his chest, Shin could see the trail he left behind. He looked better all marked up, a livid handprint curving against his ribs. Admiring his, _ha_, handiwork, the dark thing pressed one of Shin's hands into Drifter's own. Upping the temperature, building until he was too hot to touch and only letting go once Drifter was making noise after noise of pain against his lips. The hand shook when he released it, skin just at the edge of blistering. Nothing like the precision of last time, but it felt _good_ to use the light he had to mark and wound. No implements, just him and his abilities.

* * *

It was like jumping right into near boiling water. No time to adapt, all consuming in a split second, inescapable. Drifter had to fight for every breath, concentrate on weathering the onslaught best as he could. He wanted to make it last.

Every mark against his skin burned deep into him, leaving him shaking, gasping in pain, desperate for more. Then that hand against his, burning hotter and hotter until he could only stand it while whimpering in pain, turning into a moan as it was released. God, that was good. Feeling the enormity, the physicality of the hunter's power.

* * *

It was so, so hard not to be greedy. He could just pour light down that fragile throat until he choked on it as he burned, sear the flesh off him until there was nothing but scorched bone. But he wanted to enjoy this, to savour it. The dark curling around his jaw and throat tugged in warning, impatient, and he did as he was told. Breaking the kiss, he sank teeth into the place above the man’s collarbone. Forced his teeth shut, burning whatever couldn’t be broken by force and tearing away a large chunk of muscle. It cooked in his mouth, a strange crackling noise as he chewed and swallowed. Enough to be going on with there.

Taking the Drifter by the neck, uncaring of his reaction, he pulled him over and pressed him face first across the nearest wall. The metal beneath one hand made an odd sound as the ice coating it melted and it began to heat. Deforming ever so slightly, the melted patch creeping slowly closer to the Drifter’s face. The points beneath his fingers starting to steam in earnest, he watched carefully for a response. Waiting to see when the heat would hit.

* * *

Drifter only managed to get a glimpse of the hunter's face as he broke the kiss, but it was enough to understand that, yes, he was done being nice. The way teeth sank into him was only the start of what that meant for him, Drifter knew that. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from screaming, only to then be shoved against the wall, the impact forcing his teeth closed and making him taste blood, coughing, trying to spit it out, avoid choking on it.

He barely had a second to think about it before all of his focus was forcibly pulled to the hand on the wall, heating up metal to its breaking point, the heat radiating to the Lightbearer's face and filling his eyes with tears that kept appearing faster than he could blink then away. He was panting, but getting so little air, so shallow, hurting his throat and lungs with how hot it was.

He was only partially aware of the instinctive attempts of his own body to retreat, get away, but Shin had a strong good grip on him. The Deep was screaming, it was furious, and Drifter thought _good, you throw your little tantrum. I still make my own fuckin' fate_, because he chose this, and the intrinsic cosmic forces of the universe could choke on it for all he cared.

* * *

Shin breathed in the hot air, pressing down hard with his fingers just to feel the metal shift beneath them. The body was struggling, pressing desperately back against his hand and trying to push off against the wall but every point of leverage it could get was burning hot at this point. He flexed his fingers, pressed it harder against the metal just to hear the _sizzle_ before ripping it away. Not all the skin came with it, shreds of grey meat sticking to the place where it had been.

Curled around his shoulders, something that felt almost like a hand pressed him forward a little. He pulled the Drifter down, letting his other hand cool as he pressed kiss after kiss to the ruined face. Pried that mouth open, using the hand at the back of his head to tip the head back, _taste_ the mess of blood and meat that he'd made.

* * *

Drifter couldn't stop the scream from escaping now - It drowned out the Deep for a few moments, and that was good.

The searing wave of heat was followed by a movement that was mostly felt by the Lightbearer as a blur and a moment of light-headedness, and then there were kisses, which hurt in their own way, made desperation flare up in his heaving chest. The body, of its own accord, was still trying so hard to breathe, but Drifter would trade getting air for those demanding, tasting kisses any day.

Not that Shin seemed preoccupied with what Drifter wanted at all, not anymore, and that was the best part of all of it, that was why it _worked_, the hunter being so focused on what he needed, what he wanted, and nothing else.

* * *

Oh, the mouth was good. Not as mobile as it had once been, maybe, but then the skin would do that at high enough temperatures. Still, hot and wet and pained, it made for a good enough distraction. Yes, that’d do. Standing, he kept the Drifter on his knees, hand still holding his head tight in place. He was marvellously well trained, something distant from him thought idly. He remembered wrenching the jaw apart last time, and considered it. He didn’t really care about making it harmless though, he wasn’t so weak this time round. Just hungry.

With little fuss he pulled himself out and opened the Drifter’s mouth. Pressed in, moving the head at the same time to match his pace without worrying overmuch about breath or choking. His other hand, he pressed around the man’s throat and squeezed. _That_ was good, the pressure and involuntary shuddering around him making it better. Not enough to suffocate, not quite, but enough to keep him on the edge, barely conscious and living for each breath he was allowed.

* * *

With no small amount of trepidation, Drifter took stock of their current position and realised what Shin was going for. His mouth might have gone dry, if it wasn't already so inevitably slick with blood and drool.

He didn't even get a proper look in before his mouth was forced open and invaded. It hurt like hell going in, creating friction against the raw flesh he had bitten at. The rogue Lightbearer tried desperately not to choke, but with that hand in his neck it was almost impossible to feel he was getting any oxygen at all.

He gagged and tightened his jaw, making teeth scrape down the length in its next thrust in, biting down properly around the base when he could feel the head hitting the back of his throat.

* * *

His body flinched violently, hand closing tight around the Drifter’s neck out of sheer reflex. Shin was aware that he was hurt, even capable of feeling that pain, but something was stopping it from mattering at all. The dark winding through him didn’t care about any of it, just enjoying the way the body’s throat felt under his hand. How easy it would be to just squeeze and char and maybe just rip the whole thing in two and fuck what was left instead.

He shook the Drifter’s head by the hair, getting his attention, looked into his eyes. Stayed inside his mouth, uncaring of the pain. The body’s airway had to be closed off entirely now, but it’d be a little while ‘til he passed out. Long enough to realise that even if he didn’t behave, Shin would just choke him out and it’d be worse when he woke. The Drifter had no power here.

* * *

The sudden strength of the grip in his neck came as a shock, teeth sliding away from flesh as the resulting silent gasp made drifter open his mouth as much as possible around Shin, still getting nothing. Being shaken, frozen by the piercing look in those eyes.

The Lightbearer blinked rapidly to let the tears fall down the sides of his face, his own eyes wide and pleading, _I'll behave_. He remembered exactly what had happened last time, after he had bitten at Shin's finger, and a heavy, constricting sort of terror settled inside his bones. But he had had to fight back, at least a little, push until he was made to understand the futility of it, the depths of his own forced subordination, to truly quiet down the Darkness.

* * *

“_Better._” More of a growl than a word, squeezing just a fraction tighter before letting go. The skin of the neck was livid, blistering just a little. Hadn’t even realised it was happening, but it looked handsome enough. Not bothering to choke him manually any more, he just used one hand to move that mouth on him thrust for thrust. It wasn’t so much exciting, the pleasure as distant and unimportant as the pain had been, but the scrape and movement were good. Kept muscles moving, that fragile skull in his grip, skin under his. After a while he pulled the mouth off, forced it down to the ground instead, ice crunching against the burnt skin.

He looked good down there, Shin decided. Legs bent beneath him, with Shin twisting one arm behind his back, shuddering and shaking. He shifted, used his knee to trap the arm there instead while he raked fingernails down the sides of him. Lingered just a little too long in some places, until the skin was just beginning to crack with heat. He didn’t know that he was so interested in fucking him, really. Seemed a lot of work when there were better ways to hurt him.

* * *

For a moment, as the grip became tighter, Drifter was certain the hunter would kill him right there, rip half his throat out with bare hands. Instead, he let go, and the burn of air entering starved lungs was only matched by the burning pain of the skin in his neck. Being pushed face first onto the floor soon distracted him from those concerns, though.

The Lightbearer could only whimper and do his best to avoid the shaking of his body pulling too hard against his twisted arm. The fingernails drawing scorching trails on his skin got a proper scream out of him, made hoarse by the abuse to his throat, muffled somewhat against the floor. He didn't know what to expect, couldn't concentrate beyond the pain enough to form coherent enough thoughts.

* * *

The way the Drifter's arm was twisted bunched the muscle and fat of his back together at one shoulder blade, pliable and tempting. He leaned down against him, crushing the arm harder beneath him, got a grip. It came away easily enough with the right heat and leverage, fat more liquid than solid in his hand and the meat browning. He'd have to find out some day if there was anything physical in the meat, or whether it was just the visceral nature of it and the total victory it represented. Predator and prey, in its most basic form.

A handful of his hip next, having to dig in harder and longer to take what he wanted. He rutted idly against the Drifter's back as he did so, sliding against as-yet undamaged skin. The way he shook and the noises he was making seemed to be improving the experience, even if it was all just a mess of chemical and physical reaction right now.

* * *

So much for not twisting too hard against his own arm. It quickly became irrelevant as Shin ripped and burned a chunk of him. Weird, how he could feel the sensation of flesh being separated from the rest of the body before the pain kicked in properly, a strange pull of muscles that weren't meant to move that way.

Shin's movements against him registered very vaguely under the horrible digging at his hip. Drifter wasn't sure what kind of noises he was making anymore - Sure, it had to be him, but they didn't sound human to his ears.

* * *

The noises were good, animal and broken enough that he could almost stop thinking about any of it. It was so difficult not to just reach down and snap that neck, eat of what flesh there was at his leisure instead of making decisions and teasing pain out of the whole thing. There was a reason he was doing this, wasn't there?

It had been important.

The roaring dark coiled its way about his throat and made him hurt in a deeper way than mere injury. Taking too long, getting distracted from his goal. _Unforgivable_.

He dropped the fat-slick and hot hand, fingers wrapping around the still-hard length and stroking briskly. He made sure to get himself nice and close before flipping the meat with one fast movement, coming on his mess of a face. Barely looked like he'd notice, shaking and sobbing as Shin bit down on his chest, dug into the meat of him with his other hand and came back _red_.

* * *

Being moved was its own type of torture right now, making his entire body feel like it should be falling apart completely. Something hit the ruin of his face, and it burned against it, but it could barely register before the attack on his chest stole all his focus.

God, how long had this been going on? Couldn't be long and yet it felt like years, like there hadn't ever been anything but this, being at Shin's complete mercy, terrified and sobbing, every single thing he had ever been scared of and run away from for some many years of paranoia and constantly looking over his shoulder, and yet... He wanted this, felt _right_.

* * *

At this point it was barely Shin behind the wheel, the intent working his limbs _tired_ of his delaying. Something had changed, and it wanted only to break and burn until the room was quiet and empty, sustain that violence in whatever way it could.

Shin, watching very much from the back seat even as he felt his fingers sink in and into the softness like they were melting through hot butter, couldn't find it in himself to regret the shift. Not when the taste and feel was so good on his tongue, the screams rolling over and through him as tender as could be. Blissful, he watched and felt as his teeth bit down into that blistered neck and tore out the throat of him. Listened happily as the choking gasps slowed, then stopped.

It looked for the ghost, but it was nowhere to be found and there was so much more meat. Dreamlike, movements sluggish and contented, it gorged ‘til sleep took it.

* * *

There were only two things left that Drifter's body could feel - overwhelming, hot pain, and the dark presence of the figure in front of him, hitting in full force now. If he wasn't already brought down low, he knew it alone would have been enough to make him fall to his knees.

The way the teeth sank into his throat was glorious, erasing any other pains with its singular intensity, pure. Drifter screamed until he couldn't anymore, and felt himself grow weaker and weaker, until finally death claimed him.

* * *

Shin woke up to a swollen belly and aching limbs, groaning as he curled into himself. He remembered... some of the previous night, at any rate. Didn’t know what time it was, just that he was alone and sticky with fat and blood. Slowly levering himself to his feet, he looked around. Place needed cleaning, he thought hazily. Slowly, he went searching for the Drifter. Man had to be around here somewhere, right?

* * *

This time, Drifter's ghost had received specific instructions to disregard usual protocol and rez him as soon as Shin was either gone or fully asleep. It ended up being the latter, and Drifter got to see Shin just asleep on the floor, pretty and peaceful and covered in unspeakable gore that used to be part of Drifter's own body. It tugged weirdly at his heart, made him smile something secret and small and tender. He had to leave before he did anything stupid, and let him rest.

Drifter didn't really dare to sleep himself, and it was the middle of the night, so he just started walking through the Derelict, trying to remember if there was anything he had been meaning to get done. Perks of a big ship, you could pace to your heart's content through its dark halls pretty much whenever.

* * *

Shin kept getting distracted, whatever force that usually drove him winding down. Every so often there’d be a noise. The ghost of a footstep, a murmured voice, and he’d set off towards it only to find himself alone in the dark and cold again. Nothing there but a creaking panel and his own thoughts. He might have grown tired or frustrated if he had felt fully seated in himself, but as it was this was all some vague entertainment until he could find the Drifter.

Taking to idly rapping his knuckles against the wall as he walked, he hummed quietly to himself. The metal almost seemed to be humming with him as it vibrated, and he made his way contentedly enough through the bowels of the ship, harmonising quietly with it.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer had ended up in one of the storage rooms, quite at random. Sometimes he did this, when he couldn't sleep - just go through boxes and piles of stuff he had forgotten he even had, kept at one time because of their value or possible utility. What could he say, a scavenger accumulated stuff through the centuries.

Some of it he trashed, getting his Ghost to take it away, some of it he put aside to take into proper storage. Most of it, he just had a look at and left back where it was. Right now, he was sitting on the floor, legs crossed, in front of one of the piles, examining a small little box he couldn't figure how to open.

* * *

There was something, Shin decided, behind the wall he was knocking against. It had sounded different to the others when he given it a tap, and it was throwing off the tune. He looked the wall up and down, eyes still trying to adjust to the darkness and without a ghost to light the place a little. There was no catch, it certainly _looked_ like every other patch of wall.

But, well. He knocked against it another time, then the one next to it. Yeah, a couple tones off. Pausing, he pressed his ear to the wall. A faint rumble permeated through it, along with something higher pitched. Whining, scratching gently against the- oh, a light. He blinked, focused in. Yeah, definitely a light. Wall and sounds forgotten, he tripped towards the doorway faintly outlined against the darkness. There, amidst piles of trash was the Drifter, hale and hearty.

* * *

The box got left to one side, mentally marked 'investigate further', the Drifter grabbed something that he was quite sure was a broken sparrow part, and asked his Ghost to get rid of it. Something that looked like a metal spiral, with some glass, which he kept. A set of keys, on the keep pile as well.

Then, someone at the doorway. He was startled and tense for a moment, until he realised it was Shin, and relaxed, waving a small greeting. "Hey there, pal. You doin' alright? I thought you'd sleep a while longer."

* * *

Taking a step into the room, he looked around. This was... A lot of junk. A _lot_ of junk. Broken machinery, miscellanea, things that he couldn't even identify.

"Got cold," he answered absently, still gazing around at the place. "'M fine though." Focusing back in on the Drifter, he gave him another look over. "You good? Not..." He gave a wobbly hand gesture that could've meant anything. Being torn to shreds inside by an angry worm. Afraid to be near Shin. Going through trash because he had lost control of his life. Anything, really.

* * *

Shin did look ok, which was good, though a bit... Hazy, but maybe that was just some leftover sleepiness. Drifter made a gesture to invite him to sit next to him.

"I'm fine. Peachy. Just killin' some time, going through some old loot." He explained, looking around, trying to see the scene from the hunter's point of view. Probably not immediately self-explanatory, to say the least. There sure was a lot of it, huh.

"I like doin' this sometimes, find it relaxin'." A small shrug, a smile that might have betrayed a little embarrassment. Sounded kinda stupid. "Anyway, I'm just... Yeah, I'm good. Glad t'see ya. Thank you." The Darkness was balanced again, whispers quieter than they had been in months.

* * *

"Mmm." He moved over to where the Drifter was, picking his way through all the stuff. When he made his way to the middle, he dropped down into a patch of floorspace and looked at the man. Just, observing. His gaze drifted over artefacts and trash alike, occasionally landing on something unusual before making its way back to the Drifter.

"Whatever makes you happy," he said easily enough, meant it. About the sorting through things, yes, but also about what they'd done before. Didn't see how it could make the other man happy himself, given the snatches he remembered, but what helped the Drifter and what helped him were outliers to any sane man anyway.

* * *

"Aw, shucks. Ain't you sweet." Drifter said, trying to mask the emotion of it with playful teasing, giving Shin a look and a half smile before going back to the pile.

A wooden box, full of copper coloured coins. Probably worth checking its value later. Some plastic thing, trash. A golden vase, hopefully sell. An old map of Earth, ah, Spider might be interested in buying this one.

"Y'know, I'm still not as into dyin' as you are." He started, in a casual enough tone. "But I gotta admit there's something... Nice about feelin' all new, clean. It's easy to forget when you go a few years without it."

* * *

The memory sent a pleased little shiver through him, worn out limbs remembering what is was like to be unused. Couldn't help a faint smile breaking over his face, a little exhalation as he looked forward to the next time.

"Good feeling, yeah," he agreed, stretching. "Glad I can acquaint you." He paused, running that sentence back over in his head. "Came out weird, but you know what I'm talkin' about." He picked up something from the pile, many-sided and almost sticky in its metallic form. He twisted it this way and that, fingers brushing over the ridges in it. Didn't look useful to _him_, but the Drifter had the weirdest experience and knowledge of random things.

* * *

The Lightbearer chuckled, shook his head a little. "Yeah, I get what you mean." Always knew Shin Malphur would be death, just didn't think it could be like this. He still wasn't going to go out of his way to die, but it did help not consider it as a huge failure anymore.

Drifter watched Shin examine the strange object from the corner of his eye. "I know ya don't really go for material possessions 'n stuff, but y'see anything you'd like, it's yours." Just like Drifter himself was. Might as well get any of his stuff, if the man wanted it.

* * *

Shin dropped the object, suddenly guilty, and had to catch it again hastily before it hit the floor. Not breaking open strange artefacts was probably the most basic rule of staying alive in a place like this. He placed it back down carefully, heart still beating a touch too fast. God, the amount of _things_, all different, he wouldn't be able to think through them in a thousand years. Mostly the room just hurt his head, distracting in the worst and most interesting kind of way.

Too many things, too much to notice. He kept his eyes on the Drifter. Safer that way. "You know I don't like that much stuff," he replied easily enough, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "Too much hassle, gotta travel light." Not that he was planning on traveling again soon, but. Well. Don't get attached to things, only hurts more when they're gone.

* * *

Drifter didn't ever have time to react to the dropped object before the hunter had caught it again. Good reflexes, of course. Not that he would have been angry if something broke, the idea just... Got him a little on edge. You never knew, with a lot of this stuff. Had to be careful.

He shrugged, as if dismissing the idea. No big deal. "Yeah, I know. Just sayin'." God, but did he hope Shin wasn't planning to do that traveling any time soon. Sure, a vanguard position was supposed to be for life, but he doubted Shin agreed with that. If there was a better way for him to pursue his goals, he'd leave to chase it, Drifter knew that full well.

Didn't mean he wanted to think about it, though. He picked up the small box once more, looked at it from all different angles. It was smooth, dark polished wood. No lock, no hinges, nothing but the thin line right around its middle delineating the two parts. Still no way to open it.

* * *

Pretty little thing, Shin guessed. Some kind of puzzle, the kind of thing that was more fun to figure out than whatever was inside. If there was anything inside at all; thing like that in the Drifter's hands, chances are it was old and somebody else's once upon a time.

The other man did seem appropriately, well, puzzled by it. There was usually some kind of catch or switch on the traditional ones, a way to turn or slide something oh so gently and open the whole thing up. The newer kind of thing, of course, that was more complex. Blood, fingerprints, voice. Still, those weren't in fashion as much as was thought. He offered a hand carefully, just as an option. "Can I take a look?"

* * *

"Of course." He threw the little box at Shin, knowing the hunter wouldn't have difficulty catching it. Drifter would be very interested in seeing if the other man could figure it out, if there was something obvious that he had been missing do far. Sometimes you just had to get a pair of fresh eyes on something.

God, he kinda hoped it wasn't too easy though, or he would look like a complete fool.

* * *

Catching the little box in one hand, he flipped it between his fingers and took a look at it. Dark, polished wood. Seemed real enough. Felt right beneath his fingers. Smelled right, when he gave it a cautious sniff. He flicked out his tongue in the tiniest lick, just brushing against the material. There was something off there, maybe in the wood, maybe the polish. Not in line with the sense-memories he had, that odd note of familiar-but-wrong that rang false.

He gave an experimental once-over with the tips of his fingers, pushed and twisted at irregularities, but it was half-hearted. Not so traditional, he didn't think. "Might have some conditions to it," he admitted. "That or it's a real good one." So saying, he offered it back.

* * *

Well, no progress there, but at least it meant Drifter hadn't just been an idiot about it, which was a bit of a relief. He went to get the box back from Shin, and as soon as he grabbed it, he could feel something inside clicking, popping softly. Huh.

The Lightbearer took the small box, and when he tried to open it again, the upper half of it came off without offering any resistance at all.

A flash of gunmetal silver. Two rings, on soft protective foam that had kept them from moving around. _Huh_.

* * *

Huh, multiple signatures? That was an interesting one, albeit one you could trigger by accident pretty easily. Meant that whatever tech was in the box was at least interesting though, maybe modifiable. Kind of thing the Drifter would have fun with, play around with on his off time.

Leaning over towards the other man, he peered in at the contents of the box. "Huh," he said, brain ticking over. "Sweet." Romance, he guessed. That kinda gesture stuff that he'd heard about but failed to ever really see in person. Never been quite sure what the point of it was, but then that was true of a lot of things.

* * *

When he realised the other man was looking at it, Drifter snapped the box shut again, absurdly feeling his heart beating a bit faster, like he somehow had done something he shouldn't.

Rings, huh? Some people still did those. Not a lot of guardians, for pretty obvious reasons, and those who did he had seen wearing around their necks, he thought while idly touching the jade coin necklace he wore himself, without realising.

He had seen more mortals wearing them proper. Even in villages where there was never enough to eat, he had seen people make them, out of scraps or hard wood, or trade for them, to give to the people they loved most.

* * *

That was a much more abrupt reaction than Shin had been expecting, and he jerked back infinitesimally at the movement. Drifter looked uncomfortable, almost distant, and Shin wasn't a fan of that at all. He dropped his eyes away, thumb scratching idly at the skin between his fingers.

He remembered a few people at the settlement had been all... Romantic? He guessed? Couple of ceremonies, Shin being told to sit down and shut up til they were done with. Waste of time, he'd mostly thought. Could've been off doing something useful, getting something done instead of watching people get all choked up over two people who already lived together agreeing to do it longer. Then later on, as things turned sour, things like that petered out fast.

* * *

"Useless." Drifter murmured, to himself, low and just a little bitter. What a joke, really. Should find it funny, not like a hot stone in his gut.

_The man I love_, he remembered thinking, holding him dead and covered in his blood. Good thing he hadn't said anything. Shin would never go for any of this kind of bullshit anyway. And that was fine. He should feel _fine_ about it, not like this.

* * *

The tone of voice was so markedly different from before, and Shin didn't know what to do. Didn't make sense, how quickly things had flipped from quiet companionship to this discomfort. Was it the loss of the puzzle, maybe? Or the rings themselves? That was the downside of hundreds of years of life. Significant shit started building up.

His mind slid to a halt for a moment as he considered the possibility that the Drifter had been married. Shin wouldn't advertise it if _he_ had, kind of thing that just hurts or puts a target on your head. But the Drifter had a sentimental streak a mile wide, even if he liked to hide it behind an arrogant smirk. Kind of thing would hurt him, maybe. Or maybe he was just thinking about how his current SO sometimes tried to rip him to shreds. That possibility aside, looked like the man maybe needed some comforting. Shin reached out again, fingertips just brushing against his shoulder. An offer of contact, of closeness.

* * *

Drifter started to flinch away from the touch, just a tensing of muscles, the start of a movement, and then caught himself. He had to stop being an idiot. He could feel himself dangerously close to self-sabotaging, to pushing the other man away to justify his hurt. Wallowing in your own self-imposed misery had some kind of fucked up appeal sometimes, he supposed.

Instead, he forced himself to relax into the touch as much as he could, leaning into it. He wanted Shin close right now, and it made no sense to punish the both of them for nothing.

* * *

It was hard, Shin reflected to himself, not to feel like shit when someone who can take a bullet without flinching recoils at your touch. Harder still when he visibly forced himself back into it, let Shin touch him. Leaned in closer despite it.

He put his arm around the Drifter's shoulder, kept it light. Easily breakable, a clear escape route if he wanted one. Just the slow movement of fingers against his back, trying to give any comfort they could. Even if his stomach roiled, jaw just a little too tight.

* * *

Leaving the box to the side, separate from any of the other sorting piles, Drifter put his arms around Shin's waist, pulled him a little closer. Breathed deep, exhalation coming out a bit too much as a sigh.

Shin had said, _more_, and they had that, just... Drifter didn't think 'more' was ever going to include this type of thing that normal, everyday people did with each other. And he wasn't sure how he felt about that. Through so many of his identities he had been chasing that normalcy, and it seemed like these days every single step he took moved him further from the possibility of it. "You ever wish ya were, y'know, just a regular dude? No Light, no Dark in you?"

* * *

He kept the movement going, eyes somewhat blank. Tried to think about how things would have turned out without the light in him, if Jaren's Ghost hadn't thought he was worth it. Would Jaren have bothered with him, if it hadn't been there? Or would he have died when Palamon burned, not of enough interest to be kept with the rag-tag group of explorers.

Yor would've made sure there was nothing left but ash, and Shin would've died alone and afraid.

"Been there," he said quietly, shoulders tensing. "Can't say I recommend it."

* * *

Oh. He forgot, sometimes, that Shin wasn't quite like any other Lightbearer. Frankly, he didn't know if that was better or worse than coming back with no memories, into a world you didn't know. Both were terrible things to have to go through, in their own way.

"Yeah, that's fair. I guess I just want things to be simple, sometimes." He leaned in to kiss Shin's cheek. "Simple like not having to think about managing both our reputations, or constantly balancing cosmic forces beyond my understanding." A small pause, an apologetic smile. "Simple like giving you a ring."

* * *

Shin let him do it, still half caught in his own head. Wasn’t really seeing anything in the room at all, least of all the Drifter. “Simple like bein’ constantly terrified your next meal’s gonna disappear on you? That the freeze is gonna be just this side of too much this year, and you’ll wake up to find half the people you know gone? That some bastard with a gun is gonna put you down just cos you haven’t got one and he doesn’t like the look of your face and that’ll be _it_?” He inhaled, out of breath, felt something in him give.

“Ain’t nothin’ stopping you giving me a ring anyway, ‘cept you. Got fingers, don’t I?” He leaned away, just a little. “Got plenty of simple going, the complicated is on us.”

* * *

Drifter felt like someone had just emptied a bucket of cold water on his head. "God, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean it like that." But that was on him too. Only thinking of the good parts, that he thought he could never have, instead of how hard things really were sometimes. Even when he had seen it with his own eyes. Drifter might still carry the grief, but he had been able to get out and move on onto other things, hadn't he?

"Shin, I shouldn't have said that. Any of that." He spared another look at the box with the rings, shook his head. "It's a stupid idea, anyway. Childish."

* * *

Shin straightened, doing his best to push whatever bitter swell of long-ago misery that had been back down. Caring about things you couldn’t change got you killed or broken, focus on what you can do next. Like keep living and growing so that you can reach a fist into the belly of whatever’s coming and burn it alive. _That_ was why being mortal didn’t fucking compare.

“It’s fine,” he said, audibly tired. “Didn’t mean anything by it.” He paused. “Anyway, you’d last five minutes before something came along you couldn’t change and you’d die of shock. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.”

* * *

Drifter tried not to smile. "Maybe you're right. Too used to gettin' my way for it to ever work." Shin knew him too well to let him get away with any of these fanciful ideas. Probably a good thing. "Shoulda known what you were gettin'. I'm just a fuckin' idiot sometimes."

God, he was really fucking up. Probably a good time for the hunter to realise that and regret the whole thing. Had to happen eventually, he guessed. Drifter had a tendency to keep reaching for whatever he didn't have, and destroy what he did have in the process.

* * *

“Yeah, well,” Shin rolled his neck, letting bones realign with an audible click. “Same, probably. Stuck with me now though, so good luck coping with it.” He picked up something from the floor, a coin of some kinda, tossed it up into the air. High enough to _clink_ against the ceiling before he caught it on the back of his hand.

Hmm.

“Think that’s heads or tails?” He asked eventually, still looking at the jagged slashes carved into the coin’s surface.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer looked at the coin, followed it with his gaze. "Both." He said simply, as an answer to Shin's question, still looking a little preoccupied with something else.

Finally, he spoke again. "Also, I thought I had been coping remarkably well, as someone who had invited the subject of years of nightmares into his home." He was going for light-hearted, and maybe missed the mark a little. But Shin had to be aware, right? Inspiring fear in people like him had been the hunter's whole thing. "Not that I don't love havin' ya around a lot more."

* * *

Not the most helpful response for decision making. “Tails,” he murmured quietly, slipping it into a pocket. The next words hit like a slap to the face, one he hadn’t been expecting even slightly. For a man who lived in constant paranoia, Shin had never really been troubled by it outside of what was practical. His fear as the Renegade, of being found out and everything that would follow, even that had simply haunted his daylight hours.

“Huh,” was all he managed. The idea of setting fear in the other man’s belly, of it eating into him when Shin wasn’t even thinking about him, that was... well, once he’d have loved that. Seen it as the sign of a job well done. Still did, a little. Didn’t like the idea that it was still there though, fat and ever-hungry. Opening his mouth, he tried to find the words to say that that would sound _bad_. Closed it. Swallowed. Well.

“....Huh.”

* * *

Drifter noted the hunter's reaction with confusion, frowning a little along with his quizzical half smile.

"Of course," The Lightbearer continued. "These days the Nine are hoardin' all the nightmare real state, I'm afraid." He tried to think of when it had been the last time he had one of the Man with the Golden Gun nightmares, and couldn't remember. But for a while there, years back, it had been pretty bad. "Ain't gonna tell me you're surprised, are ya? Seemed like it'd be old news."

* * *

Well, not much to do about it. He could lie, but he felt like that’d hurt more. Both of them, really.

“Honest? I just didn’t think about it.” He shrugged, almost ashamed. “Had... a lot going on, only checked up on you every once in a while. ‘Sides that year, and given what you spent that year doing... _I_ was scared a lot of the time.” He didn’t know if it was better or worse that he wasn’t featuring in those dreams any more. Stung a little, honestly. Which was dumb. End of the world was scarier than him, that was fair.

* * *

Well, that made sense. It's not like he had imagined the Man with the Golden Gun had always been watching his every move at all, it was just... A constant, low grade paranoia, not knowing if a confrontation was coming or not. Not feeling ready was the worst part of it, before he had made malfeasance.

"Fair enough, pal. Guess you just did a hell of a job with that whole 'spreadin' your legend to put fear into the hearts of evil men' thing." Drifter said, trying to introduce a little levity. God, he hadn't meant to sound like he had spent all that time obsessed with the man or something.

* * *

"You'd think," he muttered, face twisting. "Hasn't stopped them though, has it? I mean, hasn't even stopped _you_ and you've got way more reason to be scared than those idiots in the arena who think real dark is snuffing some random warlock and ghost in the arena and calling it a day." He shook his head.

God, he needed to do something about those. Every once in a while a guardian would get his attention and he'd _smell_ it on them. Muddied light, practically reeking of it if you were filthy enough yourself. None of that control though, and he could see the spiral mapped out in front of them. Way they looked at the guardians around them, like they were just waiting for the right moment.

* * *

"I'd be willing to bet it has stopped a fair few." Drifter considered, then pulled up a subtle smirk. "Me, y'know me, I've spent a lot of my life scared as hell. Cannot let that stop me." A little bit more of that honestly thing he had been trying out, an open admission instead of the usual bravado he'd put on for anyone else.

He still didn't like that kinda talk about the guardians though, but he bit his tongue and said nothing for the moment. Despite his earlier threats, Shin had been quite reasonable about it so far.

* * *

He sighed, closed his eyes. “Maybe. Still feels like there’s more and more every time.” He levered himself to his feet, put that distance between them. Didn’t want to be in arm’s reach right now. Didn’t want that temptation for either of them.

“... you know next time one of them takes that step, I’ll be _here_.” He met dark eyes, dispassionate. “Better start thinking about it now.” The ‘or you won’t have any input later’ was unspoken, but probably clear enough.

* * *

Drifter sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. "Shin, you can't do that. You think Zavala and Ikora are just gonna let ya get away with it? Moment you lie hands on one of the kids, they'll be out to get ya." He just sounded extremely tired, not making any movements to stand up himself. He could understand why Shin would put some space between them, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt a bit.

When he spoke again, his voice was deliberately softer. "You're not on your own anymore, Shin. We have laws here, rules, protocols. You cannot be judge, jury and executioner all by yourself any longer."

* * *

A slight narrowing of the eyes, a twitch of the lip. “Well, haven’t you gotten _civilised_ all of a sudden.”

Hadn’t been so long ago things were very different, Drifter ready and willing to shoot first and ask questions never if he felt threatened. He wasn’t a fool, he knew that an immediate execution wasn’t going to fly. But well, he wasn’t going to just stand by and, what? Give them to the Praxics? Please.

“I know you think I like to make an impression every time,” he continued, withdrawing further inside himself, wrapping himself in that self-assurance. “But I can be fuckin’ subtle, alright? Gimme some credit.”

* * *

Despite himself, Drifter cool feel his posture becoming a bit more tense. "Not all of a sudden. But yeah, a man's gotta adapt." He'd worked hard to earn that place in civilization, and he wasn't sorry for it. The whole point had been leaving the Dark Ages behind, and as much as he liked playing around and outside the rules, this system was still one hell of a lot better than what they used to have.

The Lightbearer looked at Shin for a long moment, mostly exhausted, but also a little sad. "Ok, what would the plan be then? I'm willin' t'hear you out."

* * *

"Yeah, no." He bit down on his tongue to feel that distant hurt. Guess Shin was just, what? Some kind of dinosaur who hadn't forgotten how to look someone else in the eye who wasn't just _giving it up for him_ and pull that trigger anyway.

All of a sudden it was very clear that he'd been distracting himself at best from what he needed to be doing, that this was _not_ his function. He'd known that when he got here, hadn't he? That he was raised to hunt down others who strayed too far and take their light for his own. Grow stronger and- he bit down further, tasted blood in his mouth. Funny, he hadn't noticed himself calling up the shard but there it was throbbing behind his breast.

* * *

He was expecting an actual explanation, some attempt to bring Drifter on board with his point of view, but instead the hunter just stood there and looked... Well, he had that determined, quiet anger that made the Lightbearer shudder. That was not good.

"Shin, hey." He tried, softly, while standing up. With Shin like this, it would have been foolish to continue sitting, though Drifter really hoped it wouldn't end up mattering. "You ok? What's going on?" The Lightbearer could feel the intensity of him, the gathering Deep pushing towards the surface.

* * *

This, he thought distantly, wasn't like him. Only it was, of course it was. It _was_ him, so who the fuck else could it be? None of his thoughts had been incorrect, had they? He'd come here to get intel on who needed dead, had stuck around for some stupid reason but honestly, could he say that it had been worthwhile? He hadn't gotten any closer to his goal, hadn't done what he was _meant_ to do.

He'd started being happy, some quieter part of him pointed out. Hadn't managed that in a long time. The louder roar that liked to swamp his thoughts drowned it out though, insisted that he move. _Act_. Hated the thought of remaining and rotting into contentment in this place.

Shin himself, never the best at understanding his own impulses, swallowed the thin trickle of blood and took a step back. He needed, he thought, to be elsewhere.

* * *

As Shin took one step back, Drifter took one forwards towards him, hand slightly raised as if searching for contract, and immediately understood it had been a mistake. You didn't want to make Shin Malphur feel pushed or pursued. Drifter let his hand fall, and just stood, hoping that he looked non-threatening.

"Shin, listen to me." He said, forcing himself to speak calmly, unhurried. "We'll figure this out. I know you want to do the right thing here." They might have disagreed on what that was or how to accomplish it, but that much he had never doubted. "But I can feel the Dark on you right now, and it's bad, pal. You need to get a handle on it."

* * *

Drifter was coming up against him and something crawled against his spine. There was the strangest push-pull as he felt that weight around his throat even as the rest of him screamed that this was a threat. He flickered, held between the two conflicting impulses. Wanting to bare his neck, or throw a punch.

The Drifter was right though, he guessed. It was crawling through him, pressing down and into the meat of him like a hand on his shoulder. He flexed his right hand, felt the muscles move beneath the skin. When had he called it up? He couldn't remember, which was strange because normally it was an effort to do. When had he-

_Delaying_. Timewasting, unfocused, _unforgivable_. He swallowed, trying to ignore the revulsion at those thoughts, how he was being useless, and instead running over the Drifter's words again. "It's just me," he said aloud, voice echoing oddly in the room. Felt like a lie.

* * *

Drifter wished he could believe him, but there was an all too obvious struggle unfolding in front of him. It was such an effort to restrain himself from just grabbing at the man and crushing him in a hug. It just wouldn't help. Instead, he tried again. "Shin, you know that ain't true. I can _feel_ it on ya."

He guessed it was the part of his claim which made him more attuned to the hunter. He knew he could call on it, pull at it, but that would be a big escalation, calling on his own Dark, which besides was dwindled at the moment. Shin's, meanwhile, was recently fed and apparently eager for control. "You need to send it back down, show it that it ain't in charge. Cmon, Shin."

* * *

Bile rose in the back of his throat, those thoughts churning round and round in his head every time he tried to think through why he was feeling this way. He'd spent centuries learning to subsume doubt and fear into an ironclad focus, a controlled burn, and it was so difficult to entertain those thoughts now. Every time he tried to get his head clear, take a step back, it _hurt_. Another step back, throat going tight as if in response.

Almost without thinking about it, he leaned into that pressure. All in his head, at least as much as any of this was, but nonetheless tangible enough that when he swallowed he could feel it hurt. It helped, a little. Put a little crack into that focus.

_Pathetic._

Shin inhaled, held it, closed his eyes. This was. Him, yes. All inside him, which made it under his control and was this the smartest thing to do? Running off half-cocked without a plan wasn't something he'd done in years, come _on_. Focus, not tunnel vision. The rippling against bone and flesh sharpened, painful in it. Why was he fixating so hard on this? It hadn't mattered before, why was- another wave of pain; he flinched, grit his teeth. He wasn't a _child_ to be hit every time he talked back.

* * *

It became clear that just speaking to him wasn't going to get through enough. The hunter hadn't said a single thing back, and seemed consumed by what was happening inside of him. Drifter was scared of what would happen if he let him out of his sight like this.

The rogue Lightbearer took a deep breath, felt the Deep like a well at the core of him. _Give the tithe to feed your worm, and keep some of that power for yourself, as much as you dared._ Old Hive scripture that had been his only guide in this.

He searched for that feeling of extending beyond his own body, on this ship that was his domain. Felt the icy cold air become as his own breath. Just a small push, and ice grew spiralling and thick all over the wall that contained the only door in or out of the room, freezing it shut.

* * *

The shift in power was infinitely more noticeable than the cold, stealing his breath away with greater ease. It forced another step back out of him, the core of him burning against the chill.

He could melt that ice, he thought. Perhaps. His light flared higher, as if to try it, without a shred of his permission to back it up. Didn't like feeling trapped, now wasn't that _funny_.

Shin tugged at whatever was in his head, half of it himself and half of it maybe not. If he crushed down everything, blanked all of him out and looked to see what kept twitching and crawling through his skull when he wasn't using it, maybe he could figure it out. He shouldn't though, that was a waste of time and effort when there was a threat _right_ there. He was being stupid, childish, should be-

Well, that would do it. He swallowed, opened his eyes. Tanked his light output, sent himself as close to mortal as he could get. The thoughts faltered, not gone but more if he'd confused himself. He hazarded a look up at the Drifter, tried not to think of how that made him want to rip him apart. Hand twitching for his gun.

* * *

Ice built upon itself, shifting like an alive thing. Drifter met the hunter's eyes and ignored the dull roar of his own Hunger, which felt the power present here and wanted nothing more than to consume it, make it submit. It'd only take a few words of power to impose his will, it whispered to him. And sure as having an invisible choking hand around his neck, you could make your hunter do _anything_.

"Snap out of it." He said, emphatic but not harsh, speaking to the both of them. Couldn't lose sight of what _you_ wanted because of what the Deep wanted. That was a path that led nowhere but your own destruction.

* * *

Shin tamped down another flash of anger, only half his. He hated this, hated not even knowing what was him and what was other. That wasn't a helpful emotion right now though, and he closed his eyes to crush everything down. The burning redoubled, intensifying as he tried to starve it out. No light, no audience, nothing to shape and meld with. Just a fragment stuck in a hunk of meat, only able to scream and rail against him.

One hand pressed against the wall, supporting himself as he dropped back to the floor. The ice hurt against his hand, bright and sharp and clean. Felt good, louder than the way his chest writhed and tried its best to choke him. "Doin' my best," he managed, voice sounding oddly flat.

* * *

A little flash of victory, as he watched Shin dropping to the floor, feeling his touch on the ice as if it was on himself. He mentally swatted that away and focused on his more human emotions, mainly dominated by concern at the moment.

"I know." Drifter said, taking a chance and advancing a couple steps towards the hunter. "I know it's hard."

He could instantly encase that hand in ice, he knew. Maybe even go further up through it, immobilise the man completely. If he had to. He'd rather not remove any agency if it didn't seem completely unavoidable.

* * *

Fingertips shifted against that biting cold, skin starting to stick to the surface. Couldn't bring himself to pull away though, not when it made thinking so much easier. Almost like he could pull the ice in, wrap it against that smouldering burn in his chest and quiet it down for _once_.

Shin exhaled a cloud of white, obscuring the figure moving closer and closer. Muscles twitched; an urge to run, even if there was no way out. Or to fling himself at Drifter, do his best to take him apart. Shin didn't really trust any of his impulses right now though, so staying put it was. Couldn't become a puppet of the dark if you weren't doing anything.

"Want to kill you," he said, voice still sounding empty without that rich echo. "Well. It does." Probably not him. Maybe him? He looked up again, eyes running over that familiar shape. Nah, not him right now.

* * *

Drifter froze in place, stopped walking towards the hunter. "That's fair enough." He said, carefully. Shin was clearly struggling, and being closer might just make it more difficult for him right now.

The Deep still pulled him in, of course, sniffing out that possible conflict like a bloodhound, wanting to force it, get its revenge for having been weakened just hours before. Drifter focused on his breathing, took a step back. "How can I help?" It properly sounded more like Shin right now, if he was able to distinguish between himself and _it_, so it seemed like a good moment to ask.

* * *

More cold, leeching its way into him. Letting him use it to press back the fire. Not snuff it, just... Scare it. Let it know who was in charge.

Well, the Drifter really. But Shin using what he gave him. He closed his eyes, forced it back down. He was Shin Malphur, he was better than this. He had been figuring things out, had been finally fuckin' stabilising.

"Nothin' you can do that won't make before pointless," he said aloud, opening his eyes again. He could drain him, make everything quiet again, but just trading back and forth wouldn't do shit. Least Shin's could be shut up.

* * *

That made sense, of course, but Drifter still insisted. "I ain't worried about that. I'll manage." He could find another way of dealing with it, later. Most probably. "Let me know what you need, and it's yours."

The cold became just a little more intense, just as if demonstrating his control over the place. He wished he could talk to that dark fragment inside Shin directly. _Not yours. He is Mine, mine to own, mine to protect. Back off._ Full of power, these thoughts tugged at the bond between them.

* * *

With a great shudder, the shard abandoned its roiling fury. It still hurt, the bones in his chest feeling as though they were an inch from snapping, but it had quieted. The light and the dark were both gone from him for a while, barely enough power running through him to turn on a datapad. The pull was stronger like this, and Shin rolled his head back to expose his throat without even really thinking about it. Frost coating his fingers, the other hand still kneading at his chest as though he’d be able to feel what he’d done to it.

He didn’t reply, just let the feel of it wash over him. If he wasn’t in charge then the shard couldn’t do shit, had to just sit there and stew in it.

* * *

The Lightbearer could feel a change, a shift, and something that pulled him towards the hunter growing ever stronger. With a murmured curse he hurried to close the distance between them, falling to his knees next to Shin with a crunch of ice.

"Hey, I'm here, it's alright." Part of him was still a roaring mass of Dark, even as he put his arms around the hunter with care, ready to attack or be attacked or jump at the opportunity to consume. But it was still under Drifter's own will, no matter what demands it made of him right now.

* * *

The urge to throw a punch or bite down swelled, and was immediately obliterated by another wave of whatever chill thing the Drifter had lodged in him. It felt good, being quieted down against his own will. Sit down, shut up, be no threat. Drifter's arms were strong, bearing no warmth but a solid enough contact. For a moment he didn't move, rigid in the man's embrace. Then he exhaled, let himself lean into the Lightbearer's frame.

The noise he made wasn't exactly a word, so much as a sound of relief and lingering anger. Wanting, frustrated. He didn't know how to think any more, apparently. Didn't want to, for a while.

* * *

Alright. That was better. As the hunter leaned in, Drifter left one arm around him, pulling him close, his other hand coming up to rest on the back of Shin's head. Just a grounding weight keeping him still.

He softly shushed at the noise. "I've got you. Don't gotta worry anymore." The cold that radiated from the Drifter was now around and in the smaller man, watching for any sign of a rising threat, ready to squash it down, on pure simple instinct.

* * *

Again, he froze for a moment, trying to push down that urge to fight. It didn't quite work, body still not wholly his, and his teeth bit down against the thick fabric of the coat, the rest of the body struggling against the Drifter's grip.

It did nothing; without any power behind it, everything he did was pointless. Like trying to push over a mountain with his bare hands. The impulse riding his body shuddered, went still as the cold pressed back in. Good. _Good_. He just breathed into the Drifter's coat, fabric against his face wet where it had been in his mouth.

* * *

Drifter let the man struggle uselessly, simply maintaining his hold, waiting it out. When Shin went still again, he pet his head, interlaced fingers into the hair.

"Good boy. Just let go for me." Just a bit more pressure of fingertips at his back, the cold pushing in a bit more, a thin layer of frost blooming under Drifter's hands. "No need to fight anymore. You're exactly where you belong."

* * *

Shin let his fingers uncurl from where they had been fisted at his sides, that calm frozen blanket settling over him. Like snow, he remembered. In the morning when everything had been still and dark, the white of it glowing pale against the trees. He inhaled, and filled his chest with crisp clean air. The fire barely glowed, all its strength still there but muted.

He pressed his forehead up against the Drifter, cold fingers coming up to work their clumsy way beneath the coat. He was cool all the way through, implacable. Shin couldn’t help but love him, press close and hope that he would accept the blind devotion that was all Shin was capable of mustering.

* * *

Shin relaxed a little further, which was good, making it more of an embrace and less of a forced hold. The next stroke of his hand brushed tiny crystals of frost away from dark hair, the other one tracing circles on the hunter's back.

Drifter could barely feel the power of him like a flicker, subdued for the moment, dormant. He could feel a torrent of emotion now above, formless. Vaguely, the Lightbearer wondered if he would be powerful enough to reach inside his hunter's chest and rip away the Dark buried there, as he kissed the crown of Shin's head.

* * *

The kiss felt like a benediction, light as it was and marking something far heavier. Not forgiveness, but tolerance maybe. Patience. He'd been allowed his outburst, and now it was over and he was going to be good.

Shin didn't know what was wanted of him, how he could best reciprocate the gift he'd been given. There was a pull though, blanking his thoughts a little further and shifting his head beneath the Drifter's hand even as he pressed the length of his body against the man. A contented noise slipped between his lips, words somewhat beyond him.

* * *

"Shh. Just rest." He murmured, lips still against Shin's hair. Drifter let the body press against him, held close, and used the hand that had been at his back to open his coat and do his best to wrap Shin with it too. It didn't do a massive amount to help with the temperature, he knew, but it was more about the gesture and the closeness than anything else.

For a moment, Drifter closed his eyes. _I love him_, he thought, and the Deep inside him whispered its own understanding of it - _hate|own|fight|understand|consume. Yes._

* * *

Squirming just a little, movements with barely any strength behind them, Shin let Drifter enclose him further. Wrap himself around him, keep him still and quiet and small against him. He felt properly safe so rarely that now, knowing beyond doubt that everything would be handled and nothing was his concern, he could barely understand it.

In the pit of his stomach was a bubbling feeling. It hurt as it rose, in a way that let him savour the aching of it. He curled into the Drifter, felt it seep up into his mouth, held it there. Then the pull, removing his restraint, the words "_Love you_," tugged out of him like a thorn from his skin. God, that was what this was? He curled in closer, as best he could.

* * *

The words hit Drifter like a shockwave, or like that sudden sensation you get when you're comfortably sleepy and suddenly you feel like you're falling, if that sensation left you feeling wide awake and absolutely sick to your stomach.

"Don't say that." He managed to whisper, so softly he wasn't even sure if the hunter would have been able to hear it.

God, he hadn't meant to make him do or say anything, it was just a thought, but clearly insisting on the claim he had put on the man in order to take control of the situation had left him more vulnerable to it. The Lightbearer started shaking a little, horrified with himself.

* * *

The blankness faded a little, and Shin's shoulders tensed. He'd done wrong, he'd said the wrong thing. Why had the pull asked him for it if he wasn't meant to say it, why hadn't it let him keep it inside where it could only hurt him? The body under his hands was trembling, and Shin didn't know what to do besides try and pull it closer. He wasn't even close to strong enough at the moment though, and the pull seemed as confused as he was. Pressing him closer even as it pulled him away, unable to decide whether it wanted him gone for his mistake or whether he needed to make it better fast.

"I'm sorry," he managed, face buried against Drifter's chest. He'd made nothing but mistakes, and surely patience could only stretch so far.

* * *

For a moment, Drifter couldn't say anything - His tongue sat on his mouth heavy as a stone (|_Tablet of Ruin_|) and the idea of his own voice filled him with dread. If he had done something like this without realising, what else could he be compelling out of the hunter without meaning to?

The way Shin apologised and hid his face against him was heart-breaking enough to pull him out of that silence, and Drifter lowered the hand on the dark hair to the back of Shin's neck, used it to move him back a little so he could be looking into the hunter's eyes. "It's not your fault, sweetheart. I did this. I am so sorry." It was only when hearing the roughness of his own voice that Drifter realised his own eyes were welling up with tears.

* * *

Incomprehensible, unacceptable. Shin didn't understand, brow creasing a little as he watched the Drifter cry. He didn't understand how he could have done this, hadn't done anything besides follow the pull's lead willingly enough. Shin didn't know how to fix this, knew that he had to pull away from the blankness a little. That way led to the darkness though, still waiting. Still vicious.

He wanted to lean in, kiss away those tears, make sure that Drifter knew how loved he was even if he didn't like to hear it. The hand on his neck anchored him though, and that was a rule more basic than any other. If he was held in place, he was to stay there. Instead he raised a thumb, brushed away the wet from Drifter's eyes. "It's ok," he told the Drifter, voice quiet.

* * *

Drifter closed his eyes, felt the tears roll down his cheeks. Shin's touch wasn't as warm as usual, but still human and familiar and somehow it made him hurt _worse_, wanting desperately to find comfort in it but unable to take it as anything but a selfish reflection of his own desires.

"It's not ok." He said, forcing himself to open his eyes again, look into Shin's face and see the confusion there, let it stab at his gut like a knife. Shin would never - This was all his doing, somehow. "It might be one of the worst things I've ever done. It's never gonna be ok."

* * *

Shin watched in dull-eyed bewilderment as the Drifter made that horrible pronouncement. He couldn't fix it. It was never going to be fixable; he'd said something and it had been wrong and it was _never going to be ok_. The pull wanted him gone, wanted him so far away that he couldn't ever touch the Drifter again and it was right perhaps. But Shin was _weak_ and he didn't want to lose that comfort even if he didn't deserve it, even if it felt sick against his skin.

"Please," he swallowed past the nausea. "Forget I said it, I can try stop." He wouldn't be able to stop, couldn't imagine stopping now that he'd recognised it for what it was, but he could bury it down and never mention it again. "_Please_."

* * *

Stop. Drifter thought about it, feeling almost feverish, bordering mania. Could he make Shin stop? Reach in with fingers of Dark and crush whatever idea of love for him Drifter had planted in his brain? Ask him in a voice of power to forget all about it?

It was an attractive idea, certainly. But he had done it in the first place without knowing how, without meaning to, which meant he also didn't know how to fix it and would have to just trust that he wasn't just gonna fuck Shin's brain up way worse. And right now, Drifter didn't trust himself one single bit.

"Darlin', you've done nothin' wrong. You are so good." The Lightbearer reassured Shin because he didn't know what else to do, didn't know if it was even possible right now to make him understand the horrible thing that had been done to him. "God. You deserve so much better."

Maybe he should just get away. Leave Shin safely back at the Tower and take the Derelict to venture once more into unknown space. Put so much distance between them that his claim became utterly meaningless.

* * *

Oh, he hadn’t thought those words could feel bad. Hadn’t expected them to cut false, wriggle beneath his skin and seed that doubt as to whether he’d _ever_ been good, if the Drifter had just been humouring him this entire time. He swallowed, bile and blood and wretched gore seething in him. There were tears building up in his eyes as he held everything down, crushed it until there was nothing to shred him inside.

“I don’t understand,” he admitted, voice cracked and raw. “I... why don’t you want me to-” he bit it off, slamming his mouth shut. Drifter didn’t want to hear those words, didn’t want them from him. So he wasn’t going to say them.

* * *

"Because you _don't_." Drifter hadn't meant to snap at him, and the anger in his voice was completely directed at himself, so cold it burned at his insides. "Because you didn't get a choice in it. The claim. I..." Voice started to lose its strength, uncertain and ashamed. "I didn't mean to. But I still made it happen, somehow."

God, how he wished Shin would become angry with him now, push him away, kill Drifter, reclaim himself. Somehow take his revenge and defeat him so completely, brought low and made wormfood.

* * *

He flinched, hated himself for doing it. If the Drifter was going to hurt him then he was going to hurt him, and there was nothing to be done about it. So, why not take it gratefully? Not cower like a dog. He listened carefully to the words, drank them in. They rang with belief, certainty, and Shin was having so much difficulty even knowing what was happening that any degree of confidence was beyond him.

He loved the Drifter. Would he know if it had come from outside him? He'd never loved anyone else like this, never cared; he hadn't known he was capable or really wanted to be. So maybe he did love the Drifter because he wanted him to.

"Feels right," he replied, trying not to look at the fury on a face that had been so soft not long ago. "Felt right." He stared down at the floor, face hot and tears slowly dripping onto the cold metal. Did it matter where it had come from? He still felt that way, even if it had turned sick on him.

* * *

Shin's tears filled him with panic and a sharper sense of shame, a feeling that he was handling everything in the worst way possible. He was just hurting him more, hated himself for it.

Both of Drifter's hands came up to hold Shin's face, tender, trembling, making the hunter face him again so he could kiss the tears away from his cheeks, taste the salt of them, gently touch his forehead to Shin's.

"You cannot imagine how sorry I am. Shin, I don't know what t'do here." A heavy, shaky sigh. Trying for complete honesty like this somehow still felt selfish. "I love you so much, and I fucked it up, and I don't know what to do with that."

You will something into existence, you are responsible for it. He knew this much. You claim to own something, _someone_, you keep them safe, happy, or the blame is on your head alone.

* * *

He didn’t want to look at him, couldn’t stand to face that _regret_. Like Shin was a mistake he had to deal with, just another bad decision in a list as long as the Drifter’s life. It was hard to catch breath like this, lungs unwilling to comply with him.

“I don’t know what’s me any more,” he managed, voice breaking a little when he had to catch his breath. “I don’t... there’s a lot of things in here and they all just sound like me and this is the one that doesn’t hurt anyone so I don’t-” he broke off, burying the sob behind gritted teeth and force of will. “I don’t see why it’s so bad.” He had felt so happy when he was pressed against the Drifter, spilling the core of him out just because they both wanted it. Everything had been good, he’d _been_ good.

* * *

Why was it so bad? Apart from the terrible violation of trust and consent? Because Drifter wanted it to be true anyway. Because now Drifter could never have that moment and know it was real. And that was so fucking self-centred it disgusted him, still fucking thinking about what he had wanted. God.

"It's not fair to you." He managed to say, after a few moments. "I don't- it'd be like takin' advantage of you. How am I supposed to know, if you actually wanna do somethin', or if I'm makin' ya? If you'd even consider it if I hadn't put that in your head?"

The idea that _it might have already happened_ sat heavy and poisonous inside him.

* * *

He snorted, wet and painful. It echoed in the cavern of his chest, or at least it felt that way. All empty space, hollowed out and aching.

"I don't _care_," he choked out, eyes searching for any glimmer of understanding in the Drifter's face. "What does it matter, if we both want it and neither of us can tell anyway?" Curling in on himself, he was deeply aware of how pathetic he must look. A pathetic snivelling mass of someone else's mistakes and regrets, a _burden_ on both of them. Dimly, he realised his fingernails were digging deep into the skin of his arm. The blankness was gone, and he longed for it like nothing else.

* * *

Oh, that hurt like nothing else. Of course he didn't care, maybe he _couldn't_ care, maybe that was part of it. Drifter could already feel himself questioning and second guessing every single word, and maybe that wasn't fair to Shin either? But not doing it felt too much like being complacent, complicit.

Drifter let go of Shin's face and saw him realise he was digging fingernails into his own skin. Feeling a fresh wave of guilt, he took that hand with his, brought it up to kiss the knuckles. Fuck, he just wanted to kiss the man properly, so badly, but he didn't dare. "Y'know I didn't wanna hurt you, right? I'd do anythin' for you. I just wanna do the right thing, too."

* * *

Probably should have felt bad that the smallest of thrills went through him when the Drifter lifted his hand away from his arm without even a thought, effortlessly countering all the strength he had in him without even _noticing._ Tamping it down took physical effort, but it was important. Drifter didn't want him like that, didn't want him to be thinking like that. So he wouldn't. Hell, he couldn't tell what that even fucking meant. Was he supposed to be trying to do what the Drifter wanted? Would be pretty twisted not to respect his wishes when he was being so very clear in stating those boundaries.

He looked up, eyes dull. "You figure out what that is, you let me know." Leaning in for one last kiss, selfish though it might be, Shin shoved down every single want he had and pushed himself to his feet. Hoped the Drifter would let him, without making this a struggle in yet another way.

* * *

Just the fact that Shin could get up and away from him like that was a relief. Drifter hadn't completely melted his brain, then.

However, that didn't mean it was a smart move, just one that did feel like Shin. Which maybe meant Drifter should let him go with it anyway? But, again that selfishness - There was the Nine business, and whatever outburst had happened before. Drifter was scared to let the man out of his sight.

So quick he barely had time to finish the thought, Drifter's hand shot upwards to catch the hunter's wrist. "I won't figure it out alone." The Lightbearer took a breath, made a decision. "Let's go to bed, rest a few hours."

* * *

It took a moment of thought for Shin to realise that he just... he didn’t care any more. He was tired and he couldn’t do anything right even when he did exactly what he was told, exactly what was wanted of him. He couldn’t make things work, couldn’t even figure out what was happening in his own _head_ apparently, couldn’t control himself. Even doing nothing didn’t work.

“Sure,” he replied, after he realised he’d been stood there just looking at the hand around his wrist. “Fine.” He’d just been sleeping, but he could probably force himself to pass out for a while. While the Drifter thought about whatever it was that Shin didn’t get to decide on any more, for reasons that escaped him. He closed his eyes, let himself let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You try to warn him, you tell him_  
_you will want to get inside him, and ruin him,_  
_but he doesn’t listen."_  
\- Richard Siken


	16. Chapter 16

Drifter didn't sleep at all. He had too much to think about, and wanted Shin to get some more rest without the possibility of the Nine fucking it up again. So he just stayed awake, staring into the darkness around them and the Darkness within, wanting to lie close to Shin but not daring to touch him.

It was a horrible, impossible position, for both of them. He wondered if Shin would be ok if he really went away. Would he get over it, or had Drifter condemned him to carry this around with him for the rest of his life? There were too many variables - all of his usual decision making and strategic thinking were useless here.

Which left him with very little. Slowly, carefully, shamefully, Drifter started letting himself consider the possibility of just continuing as they had been until now. As Shin had said, well, would that be so terrible? Would it be acceptable, if he just came to terms with being an evil man, and spent the rest of his days prioritising Shin's happiness above all?

With the sunrise, Drifter got up and left the room, planning to return soon.

* * *

Sleep came slowly to him, and restless when it arrived. He woke eventually, alone, feeling no better rested than when he'd laid down. The events of before were less raw, certainly, though their implications burned through him as boldly as ever. He sat up, stretched pained limbs. Dressed mechanically, pulling whatever clothes his ghost thought were suitable from his inventory. After a moment he noticed that they were made of the softer fabrics he owned. An outfit for comfort above all; a small, thoughtful kindness. That was the first thing to pierce through the grey haze even a little, and he looked to Jaren's ghost.

"Do I own my mind any more?" He asked quietly, tilting it to the side as if inviting the ghost to take a scan. Peer inside and figure out where things had gone so wrong.

"It would explain a lot if not," the ghost replied gently, easing the hurt in his limbs a little. "But I can't say." Shin nodded mutely at that, strapped on some form of armour. After standing there for a long moment, staring into nothing, he transmatted down. And if he was a little slow to respond to the little lights, a little distant, well. He had a good enough excuse he supposed.

* * *

Drifter came back from a quick incursion into the market with breakfast, and a small box that felt real heavy on the inside pocket of his coat. He felt wired, anxious, and finding that Shin had left while he had been gone only made it worse.

He quickly asked his Ghost to relay a message. "Tell him to come back." Realising how much that sounded like a command, suddenly self-conscious about it, he added. "And say, please. When he can."

While he waited for a response, Drifter busied himself with setting the breakfast on the small table - actual coffee, not the horrible instant stuff he usually drank, and some sort of sweet almond based pastries.

* * *

There were always a few guardians wandering around the place at all hours, though the real flood hadn't yet begun. The ones he'd talked to had seemed to sense that something was amiss within a few words, voices softening a little and none of them lingering. He'd normally hate that kind of pity, feel some kind of shame over it, but honestly Shin was just grateful. It at least made things easier.

He barely even thought when he received the... Calling it a summons was a little tasteless, but it was more or less accurate. He considered for a moment if he was supposed to be obeying or not, quickly ran out of energy to consider any real implications, and just did as he was told. Transmatted into the room he'd come from, hands by his sides and helmet tilted a little towards the ground. Neutral, simple. There was food and drink, which didn't really appeal but were probably necessary. Shin stayed silent, waiting.

* * *

God, but the man looked so defeated. It made something in Drifter's chest hurt, knowing it was his fault. But at least he'd come, which meant a chance to fix it, at least a little.

"Shin," He started, trying his best to be less visibly nervous, gesturing to the table. "I got us some breakfast. Can we talk? Please?" It was deliberately phrased as a question, and not a command. Drifter just looked at him, his weight shifting slightly from one foot to the other, expectant.

* * *

He nodded, not even bothering to think about it. It wasn't as though he could avoid talking about it forever, so no real benefit to dragging it out and leaving again unless he was leaving for good. And the food was... probably useful. Would keep him functioning.

Moving to a chair, every motion slow and careful, he sat down. Paused, transmatted the helmet away. His ghost pressed against his ribs before making itself scarce, and he looked up at the Drifter. Expression blank, a hint of expectance.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer sat at the table, took a sip of his coffee, cleared his throat. Then smiled a little, almost sheepish. "Y'know, seen' ya take your helmet off, it's always knocked the air out of me a little. Ever since I first met you." He didn't think he'd ever said that before.

Drifter took a bite out of his pastry, washed it down with more coffee. Well, better get started with it, wasn't going to get any less anxious. "I need to start by apologisin', obviously. Damn, Shin, I'm sorry. I've been so focused on myself and fuckin' theory of morality, and I acted like your actual experience of it all was irrelevant."

* * *

Shin looked down at the food in front of him, reached out to peel a little of the pastry away from one edge. Placing the flake into his mouth, he chewed briefly and swallowed. No taste, certainly no pleasure. It was fine though, not making him sick, so he continued in that fashion. Tiny scraps of food, one at a time.

It was a good thing the Drifter wasn't looking so hard for a reaction, because Shin didn't know how to give him one. The words he were saying were all... Well, they were unobjectionable. Kind enough in their own way. He didn't have a response to any of it, just tilting his head to imply comprehension. If he wanted to talk, Shin wouldn't stop him.

* * *

It was good that Shin was eating a little. Made Drifter feel like he should continue talking, leave him to get a few more small bites. "I don't wanna keep doin' that." A small pause, looking away and to the side. "I don't wanna leave forever into unknown space, either. I like it here. With you."

Drifter drank a longer gulp of coffee, almost too hot for it still, but that was alright. Gave him a moment to compose himself before he had to look back at Shin, determined and earnest. "I just want to make you happy, give you anythin' you want, and trust you if you say it doesn't matter where that comes from."

* * *

He listened, still picking at the food without really tasting it. Felt dimly bad not eating properly, not enjoying it, so he forced himself to take a proper bite after a little bit. Nothing.

The Drifter talked, and he listened, and he tried half-heartedly to muster any real depth of emotion. There wasn't anything though, just that aching hollowness that hadn't gone away. Like any feelings he had were just lost out there in that vast expanse. Objectively though, what he was saying was... Nice. He supposed. Probably required a response, too. He thought, fingertips resting against the edge of the coffee cup. Warm, painfully so. Reassuring in a dull enough sense.

Shin wasn't trustworthy, couldn't be sure of himself. Drifter wanted to stick around, even if Shin couldn't know his own head. Probably for the best, he could at least keep Shin from hurting anyone the next time something in his head wanted it. So he nodded, wrapped fingers around the heat of the mug, let it hurt for a while before drinking.

"Ok," he replied, not bothering to try fake any real emotions, mug setting back onto the table. "Sounds... good."

* * *

Drifter nodded, slowly. This wasn't what he had been expecting, but really, what other kind of reaction did he deserve? For Shin to fall over himself with gratitude just because Drifter had finally managed to find an ounce of self-reflection in his thick skull? Just forget all the hurt he had caused him? Yeah, right.

He finished his food in two quick bites, drank the rest of the coffee just as fast. Then he sighed, putting his head on his hands for a moment, attempting to hide the shaky breath. Drifter let them fall, looked back at the hunter. "I'm sorry, Shin. Just tell me what you want. Tell me how I can fix this."

* * *

Another bite, cardboard in his mouth. Slow movements, slow thoughts. What did Shin want? At the moment he wanted to lie down in a bed, stare at the wall, and then sleep until everything was gone. And then a little longer, to be really sure. He had a job though, was expected to be in places doing things. The consequences were hazy, but not worth tempting. Besides, he doubted he’d be allowed to. Someone would come looking, they’d find him and look through his head to try and fix him. And then they’d find the deep; he’d be killed or locked up, and for the life of him Shin couldn’t think which would be worse.

So, make it through. Keep moving, accomplishing any tasks he could even if the drive was gone. Keep the dark and light tamped down. So really, he guessed what he needed was something to help with it. It’d been too long without an answer from him, but he took another swallow of coffee anyway.

“Stop me hurtin’ anyone, I guess.” The mug was cooling, didn’t burn any more. “Keep an eye on me.” Shin certainly wasn’t going to notice, they’d shown that much. The rest was... he didn’t really care, honestly.

* * *

_I've broken him_, Drifter thought, feeling sick. Wondering if there even was a way back from this. He was getting nothing out of the hunter and somehow he felt all the emotion that was missing there was roaring inside himself, ready to explode. Throat felt tight and painful, and he had to blink rapidly to fight back tears.

"Of course. Anythin'." Drifter finally managed, voice small and broken. He'd said he'd forget about his own wants and needs, and trust Shin with whatever he said, and this was the part where he had to follow through with it.

* * *

Distantly, Shin felt the faintest of pulls. Just a weak tug, promising reward if he followed it. It was hard to even tell where the pull led, just that it was somewhere a lot louder and complicated than the grey. The thick fog was comforting though, and Shin honestly didn’t know if he could handle feeling good right now. Not when he knew it’d come with having to feel everything else.

“Help me out here,” he smoothed one hand against the table top, leaving the rest of the food for now. “Am I meant to be doing things you want or not?” He knew as it came out that it’d be taken wrong, but it was a question he needed answering. “Don’t mind either way, it’s just hard to figure out on the fly.”

* * *

Taking a breath, Drifter could almost feel himself slipping back into that theoretical framework of eternally recurring ethical questioning. But he caught himself, tried hard to just let it go. Not useful right now. Answer the damn question like a normal person.

"You're meant to be doin' what makes you feel good, and happy. So how does doin' things I want make you feel? Just go with that." Drifter didn't know if that was right, if it was good enough, but it felt like saying anything else would hurt Shin even further and he simply couldn't stand it.

* * *

The idea seemed wildly unrealistic, given how this felt. Happiness a distant concept, every bit as unobtainable as anger or fear like this. He knew from past experience though, that this was temporary. At some point his brain would kickstart those processes again, start feeling things in all their intensity. Probably next death, whenever that happened, or once it felt safe enough to process everything. It’d taken months sometimes, other times minutes, but it always happened.

Following the pull usually rewarded him with something enjoyable, beneath the hurt that usually came with it. “Feels good,” he replied, no trace of it in his voice. “So I’m guessin’ that’s a yes.” Not yet. Didn’t want to know how its attempts at reward would mesh with whatever self-defence mechanism he was in the middle of. But soon, he soothed to it, pressing that intent against the want. When he could manage it.

* * *

Drifter swallowed against the guilt that was choking him up, managed a smile, only very slightly strained. "Sounds like a plan then. Just, yeah, let's not overthink it? For now, anyway." It was more than anything directed at himself, as if speaking it aloud would make it any easier.

How many times had he gotten on Shin's case about overthinking stuff? And here he was now, roles reserved, basically gritting his teeth to stop his own brain from launching into yet another spiral about the ethics of metaphysical subconscious actions.

* * *

Shin nodded, tired, stared down at his food. He didn't want it, felt bad eating something as nice as this without enjoying any of it.

"You want this?" He asked after a moment, gesturing to the somewhat-mangled pastry. "I'm not gonna..." He trailed off, shrugging slightly. Finishing the coffee, cold now, he stood with slow care. "I'll see you later then." He tried to soften it a little, didn't know how. "Work to do." He'd actually take the guardians over this. Least they knew what they wanted.

* * *

He just nodded, staring at the table for a moment as Shin got up. Being alone to let himself just feel absolutely horrible for a while sounded like a very good plan, before he had to go run some Gambit.

Still, a small impulse pushed him to get up, and Drifter decided to go with it, walking around the table to give Shin a kiss goodbye, fingertips just ghosting over his cheekbone, his lips light against the hunter's. "Please, take care. I'll see you home tonight."

* * *

Leaning into the touch, just a little, he looked to see if it produced any form of, what? A spark? Some kind of warm fuzzy feeling? Nothing stirred, just a touch like any other, and he blinked. Nodded. "Will do."

At that he stepped away, transmatted down to the Tower. If felt good to get some space, he learned. Or at least, it was easier. Less expectation of him to perform. It meant that when he finally felt like he had enough energy to try mirroring guardians' facial expressions, he could do it at his own pace. A slight smile, a nod. Even a dull laugh at one point, all received with a minimum of fuss.

The fog in Shin’s head slowly thinned as he recovered some of his equilibrium. With its fading, the cool pressure around his neck made itself known once more. Less insistent, but present. It was stupid to be a little reassured by that, the subtle acknowledgment that he was still wanted. But it did help. Brought him up a little closer to the surface. Meant that when the day finally ended and he returned to the ship, he'd almost managed to start feeling human-adjacent.

* * *

All the Gambit matches of the day blurred together. After a few hours, Drifter had stopped to focus on catching up with other things that didn't actually involve interacting with the guardians, doing some maintenance, testing, data analysis. It felt easier right now, and it required all of his attention, with no downtime for his focus to wander back into dangerous territory.

After spending the last hour working on some guns he was considering incorporating into the reward pool of Gambit, on his workshop aboard the Derelict, his Ghost sent him a reminder that it was probably time to stop for the day. Drifter ignored it, dismissing the little drone with a grunt, unwilling to abandon the simplicity of tinkering with a weapon like this, and barely noticed yet another hour passing.

* * *

The Derelict felt more empty than usual, and Shin was somewhat relieved by it. He'd managed to regain some of his equilibrium during the day, but those eyes on him? The weight of them, checking constantly for wrong movements. Wrong _thoughts_, even. He'd never liked scrutiny, and the way the Drifter had looked at him once he realised what was wrong with him had set off every one of those issues a hundredfold.

So, he resumed his previous activity from before that mess had taken place. Wandering the halls of the Derelict, familiar yet strange at every step. Letting himself get comfortable in it, feel the hum and shake of the metal beneath his fingers and shoes. It was soothing, just letting himself be comfortable alone. As alone as he ever was these days, anyway. Everything had been quiet in his head for a little while, though.

* * *

The Ghost tugged as his attention yet again, this time more insistent. _You said you wanted to know if the hunter was here_.

That finally managed to break through to the Lightbearer, who left the disassembled gun he was working on and asked to be directed to where Shin was, after confirming with his Ghost that it couldn't detect him in the living quarters.

Drifter almost felt like running, restless, but forced himself to stay in a quick stride. It had been so hard not checking in during the day, trusting that Shin would be alright and manage on his own. But he was eager to see him and confirm the man was ok with his own eyes.

* * *

Gradually, the ship managed to soothe away a little of the worry he'd been keeping wrapped up in cold uncaring emptiness. He kept moving, running over what he knew in his head. What he'd done, what he wanted to do. How he felt, painful though it might be to consider. He mostly just felt distantly sad, as far as he could tell. Like things weren't going to be ok, no matter how much he wanted them to. Or at least, that he wasn’t the one in control of whether they were.

It only worsened as he thought it over, so Shin dropped it and just kept walking.

Finally, he heard footsteps approaching. Put his hackles up, just a little, the noise harsh and unexpected when he'd been making so little noise. He looked up, readying himself as the Drifter turned a corner and saw him. He didn't know how to read the expression on the other man's face, but there was tension and purpose in the line of his body and the way he moved.

* * *

He probably looked strange, he knew, tense with the effort of restraining himself from breaking into a full run and looking like an absolute idiot. He smiled, though, and it was a lot more genuine than any of his previous ones had been.

"Hey." Drifter said, as he got closer, before finding himself launching forward to wrap the smaller man into a hug, going from all the overthinking he'd been doing lately into the next possible extreme of just going what came to him in that exact moment.

* * *

Knocked back a little by the force of it, Shin reeled and found himself wrapping his arms around the Drifter in sheer self-preservation. "Hey," he echoed quietly, breath knocked out of him a little. He breathed in, suddenly deeply anxious. Nothing in him was sure how to feel, whether this in itself was the wrong thing to be doing.

Nausea rose, and he tried to swallow it down. He wasn't meant to be second guessing, was he? That was the Drifter's job, keeping an eye on him. Telling him when he was doing wrong, so he could fix it. He'd wanted him to enjoy himself, so why couldn't he? Closing his eyes, the hunter pressed his face against the Drifter's shoulder and waited it out. Tried to take what comfort he could in it.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer nuzzled at the dark hair, taking a deep breath in it, not even caring about how needy that would come across. "Sorry. Just really happy t'see ya." Drifter said as way of explanation, not letting go. "It's been a long day. Did yours go ok?"

This was ok, right? Shin would push him away if he didn't want Drifter touching him? He wouldn't be leaning into his shoulder? Unless be felt he had to, because that was what Drifter wanted. Unless... No. No, he interrupted himself - That was exactly the kind of bullshit he had told himself he'd avoid. No more of that.

* * *

The smell of him was at least constant, reassuring. Old sweat and gunsmoke, the hot smell of machinery. It soothed at stressed nerves, gentled the beat of his heart. Shin inhaled, held the breath in him before letting it escape through his teeth. It was good, he supposed, that the Drifter was glad to see him. And he was glad that those eyes weren't on him as he'd feared, slicing through.

"Was ok," he managed, voice rough and muffled a little by proximity. "The kids were. Nice." Bless em, either too oblivious to tell or sweet enough not to mention it. The actual staff, he'd avoided well enough. Was gonna get a summons for collapsing probably, actually. Might already have one, Jaren's ghost had been real quiet about it.

* * *

That was a relief, to hear it hadn't been too bad. Drifter knew dealing with the guardians wasn't Shin's favourite thing at the best of times, so it had been a worry, but the kids could be pretty decent sometimes.

"That's really good." Drifter would have said he was proud of him, if it didn't feel like it'd come out as too patronising right now. Instead, he added. "Sorry I wasn't there when you came back. Got distracted tinkerin' with one of the newest guns." He made his arms relax a little, stop pulling the hunter in as tightly, instead slowly stroking up and down his back. "Do you want to go rest? Or anythin' else?"

* * *

Part of him missed the close contact, even if he could breathe a little easier this way. The question of what he wanted though, that got him. What _did_ Shin want? Mostly, he wanted Drifter to stop asking him what he wanted. Beyond that it was all real muddy. For one thing, who was to say what Shin wanted for himself and what was just something else deciding he wanted it? Best not to consider what he wanted at all and just do things that made sense. Keep it logical.

He loosened his own grip some. "Guess I need to go do my own tinkering," he replied with what could pass for lightness. "Need something to reward them with."

* * *

"Oh. Alright, yeah." He should let go now, he knew, but felt reticent to actually do so. Felt a little like he might never get another chance, which was absurd. Right?

Drifter bit his lip to hold back a sigh. Maybe he'd fucked up so bad Shin didn't even care about being around him anymore. He'd take their previous conflicts over this blankness any day. Hell, he'd take the nightmares. Being scared for his own life was easier. That was still selfish, though. Maybe the man just needed some more time. "That's fair."

* * *

Well, he'd said the wrong thing again, judging by Drifter's response. Not sure what the right answer was these days, honestly. He turned his head a little, let himself enjoy the smell and warmth of it before he had to go and move. Consciously let it go, the uncertain sadness of it.

Actually, move where? He wasn't sure where in the ship he was, and couldn't remember a workshop from the last time he'd been welcome here. Guy had to be making his guns somewhere though. He pulled away a little, looked up at the Drifter. "Where we workin’ on them then?" Swear to whatever god you liked, it felt like this place got bigger by the season.

* * *

_Oh_. Drifter had never actually worked on his weapons around anyone else, hadn't even considered the possibility here. Making a habit of that would get you killed, back in the old days, when you couldn't trust that whoever was around wasn't paying just a little too much attention and preparing to use whatever they learned against you.

Hadn't ever let anyone else into this workshop, either, but he wasn't about to bring that up. "Yeah, sure. Uh, workshop is pretty close, actually." He stepped away from the other man, but held his hand, squeezing it a little as he started walking.

* * *

Letting himself be led, Shin kept track of anything in the corridors he could use as landmark, either to remember where he was going or figure out where they were. The hand in his felt good enough, warm and solid through the gloves. Didn't even feel as uncomfortable as usual, having his gun hand restrained like that. Not that he couldn't draw with the other one, but it'd still be slow as hell. That was good though, actually. Made him safe and nonthreatening, made sure he'd be easier to take down if it was necessary. He relaxed a little at the thought, even if his chest hurt a little in response.

The door they came to was plain, nondescript, like every other supply closet. Nothing to mark it out as anything special, which was maybe the point. He'd have overlooked it, if he hadn't been led straight to it.

* * *

It was nice, being able to walk holding hands. Even if it was ever just in the Derelict, Drifter thought he'd be very much ok with that. Ship was big enough, at least, he thought with a little smile.

Soon, they got to the workshop, and Drifter had to let him go to unlock the door and let Shin in. The space was slightly bigger than his living quarters, a workbench going along the side of one of the walls, the other one lined with storage, well organised tool racks, spare parts, and more. In the centre of it there was a big table, its entire surface covered by papers, books, sketches, schematics. There was only one chair.

Drifter realised he felt almost self conscious about it, tried to hide it. "So, here's where the magic happens. Help yourself to anythin' you need."

* * *

“Nice place,” he managed, gazing around in appreciation. Oh, this was beautiful. For the first time all day, a genuine smile broke across his face. Still small, still slight, but there was something about the organisation and care that had clearly gone into the room that lifted his heart a little. The Derelict was a chaotic place sometimes, but here was one little oasis of clean calm. He looked around, just soaking it in for a moment before moving over to the workbench.

The schematics on the table looked good, he had to admit. Not in form, sure, but the notes were cramped with detail and there were some serious calculations going on there. Careful work, a lot of thought going into it. He snagged a sketchbook that was over to one side, looking mostly unused, and a pencil to work with. Flipped upside down and to the back, somewhere he could make notes without too much trouble. He turned, looking the wall over with some appreciation for the materials stacked there. Later, he promised himself internally. Once he’d figured out what he was doing a little better. For now, he dropped to the floor where he was, sat next to the chair with his back against the side of the workbench. Looking up at the Drifter, he tried for another smile. Wasn’t sure if it came out right.

* * *

Drifter felt relieved to see Shin clearly appreciating the place. He had put a lot of time and effort into it, but it wasn't designed with anyone else in mind, and wasn't sure how it'd appear to others' eyes. It made him happy that Shin seemed to like it.

And God, that little smile. It made Drifter's heart so full, made it beat just a little faster. It was like a little sign that things might end up being ok after all. He smiled back. "Glad y'like it."

He forced himself to stop staring, go sit on the chair, grabbing some papers to remind himself of what he had been designing last. He thought about offering Shin the chair, but if the hunter wanted it, he would probably have taken it in the first place.

* * *

Good. Good, he was getting something right. Relief broke through him, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders and back. He let himself rest properly against the surface behind him, focus on the page in front of him.

Carefully, Shin started to sketch in the outline of a sidearm. Just something basic, reliable, easily modifiable so he could make it distinctive later. An easy one, ‘til he got the hang of this. After a little while, he tilted his head and let himself lean just a little to the side. His head brushed against the Drifter's thigh, and he looked up for permission to lean in. Contact with Drifter felt.... it was grounding. Reassuring. And Shin was trying every trick he knew.

* * *

There were several ideas in just these few pages, calculations scribbled all around rough sketches. The most developed one was a shotgun, mostly designed with sentries in mind, to help tackle some of the heavier blockers. It still needed the perks to be balanced against some of its figures, however, so he started working on that.

Drifter was just starting to really get into it when he was surprised by a slight touch against the outer part of his thigh. Looking down and seeing Shin like he wanted to lean in made his expression of concentration go soft, affectionate, and couldn't help running his fingers through the hunter's hair in silent appreciation.

* * *

His eyes closed just for a second, exhaling a soft breath of air. Shin let his head drop, resting at an angle against the Drifter as he ran fingers through his hair. The pencil went loose in his hand for a moment as all of him forcibly relaxed. The pull settled around his neck, approving and blissful. He did well, things were less uncomfortable.

It was easy, almost troublingly so, to just let this be his only thought. Let his mind blank and his body enjoy what was happening. He _did_ have a gun to design though, didn't he? A task, and in such a lovely place to do so too. Eyes blinking open, he looked down at the sketch. Focus, Malphur.

* * *

Well, he didn't need two hands to work on this. Drifter kept one of them on the hunter's head, occasionally running fingers through the hair, idly playing with it. It just felt so nice, to have that small point of contact while each of them worked on their own thing. Made it easier to just relax, and think.

The main issue with this shotgun would be its capability to handle invaders, as opposed to blockers, and Drifter was scribbling notes about possible versions of it. He could lean more heavily into it as a feature, or with some modifications, make it into a better all around sentry weapon. Quickdraw would be useful if he expected it to be supplemented with other guns, though. Hmm.

* * *

A close range piece, this. Hipfire optimised, obviously. Trying for precision aimed shots with a firearm worked for some, maybe, but nobody he'd ever seen use them frequently. If this was someone's main or secondary piece, it had to hold up as one. He bit the end of the pencil absently, tilting his head for a better angle of view and shivering as it moved the hand in his hair to brush against the shell of his ear unexpectedly. He managed to bite down on an embarrassing noise, the only sign escaping as a rapid breath.

Quickly, he returned to sketching. Trying not to be a distraction, getting his work done without going boneless beneath that hand. Doing his best to be good and achieve his goal all at the same time. A thicker grip, tactical magazine, and... maybe dragonfly? Send some sparks flying.

* * *

Yeah, a heavy hitting shotgun that was easy to pull up when needed seemed like the best bet. Maybe he'd work on a long-range weapon that'd be a good complement to it. Could also never have too many hand cannons, really.

Oh, was that a shiver he had felt as his hand accidentally brushed Shin's ear? That was nice. Drifter decided to pay a bit more attention to that area, running his thumb along the curve of it a few times, before softly scratching right behind it. Putting as much casual affection into the gesture as he could.

* * *

Shin did actually drop the pencil that time, fingers going loose and mouth just slightly slack at the way his body reacted to it. He flushed, embarrassed, reached for the fallen pencil and couldn't keep back a whine at the scratching sensation. It wasn't... He didn't know how to describe it. Not arousal, just sheer sensitivity and the intimacy of it did strange things to him indeed.

His second attempt to pick up the pencil was more successful, even if he didn't use it. Just held it tight, hiding his reddened face against the Drifter's thigh even as he enjoyed the pressure of that hand on him. This was easier, oh lord this was easier.

* * *

Drifter just smiled a little, not even stopping writing all the while, just secretly pleased with Shin's response. It made things seem a little more normal, somehow, some of that blankness from before gone, the hunter slowly feeling more like the responsive version of him that Drifter knew.

He thought about saying something, but nothing came to mind that wouldn't most probably make the man feel even more embarrassed, even when genuinely meant as a compliment, so as Shin hid his face against him Drifter didn't comment on any of it, just scratched lightly following the hairline to the nape of his neck.

* * *

It should have been even more embarrassing than it was, being so easy to key up and keep hanging. It was, on one level. But it was so good to be able to surrender the intellectual worry and vigilance to a more physical simplicity. Drifter had him, knew how to get the reaction he wanted out of him, and it was so much easier to go along with it than it was to keep his head above water just so that he could fret more about whether he was even in control.

The hand strayed down that that sensitive strip from the base of his skull, between the spurs of the first two vertebrae to the nape of his neck, and his head jerked backwards by barely a millimetre. Couldn't bite back a noise of breathless approval then, tiny though it was. Blindly, he wrapped one arm around the Drifter's lower leg, just for something to ground him a little.

* * *

Oh, fuck. That little noise, that arm around his leg, it really got to him - Drifter couldn't hold back the compliment any longer.

"You're so absolutely lovely like this." He said, a fair measure of quiet adoration evident in his voice, still giving little caresses wherever he could reach. The Lightbearer didn't want to push it too far, didn't dare move from where he was sitting, but he so wanted to make Shin feel nice, good, close.

* * *

That feeling from the night before stirred, a tiny shiver from where Shin had crushed it into the depths of him. Just the faintest of reminders that it was still there. Still wound into the core of him, whether Drifter liked it or not. Shin tried not to let it hurt, let the warmth that was feeding it spread through him too. He tilted his head, pressing up into the hand and looking up at the Lightbearer. His words from the previous night sat on his tongue for a moment before he swallowed them and pressed a kiss against the man's thigh instead.

"Thank you," he murmured. Ostensibly for the compliment, but at that moment it encompassed a lot. Not the hurt of the last day or so, not that. But the willingness to stick with him despite the pain and regret he'd seen before, despite how much Shin had to have hurt him. Everything that had come beforehand. There was a reason this had happened, after all. 

_Wouldn't it be terrible,_ something murmured at the core of him, _to be owned and alone despite it?_

* * *

Drifter left his pencil on the table. There was no way he was going to get anything else done like this, and pretending to would be useless. He wanted his other hand free to touch the hunter with it as well, anyway. It went to his face after the hunter had pressed a small kiss against him, slowly brushing a thumb over the cheekbone.

"God. I would do anythin' for you, y'know that?" It was almost a whisper, the Lightbearer's gaze showing the intensity of it. "I promise I'll be better for you. A lot better than I've been." Which, if you asked Drifter, wouldn't be very hard at all.

* * *

It was strange, how the feeling grew a little at that even though his insides soured with fear. He hadn’t liked, so far, what he’d seen of the Drifter’s idea of being better. Shin was supposed to be good for _him_, and when he was troublesome or a burden it hurt more than any real pain had managed so far.

The thumb brushing along the lines of his face though, as he looked up at the Drifter from his position at his feet... that was better. Felt right. He didn’t break eye contact as he dropped the pencil. Raising his now free hand to the Drifter’s, he pressed the palm of it to his lips in a light kiss. Kept it there, fingers resting gentle against the skin. He didn’t want to speak really, couldn’t find words that sounded right in his head, but his eyes hopefully showed calm acceptance. He’d do anything for the Drifter, even if the other hated to hear it and the pull kept his mouth shut for him.

* * *

He just stayed like that for a few long moments and let himself enjoy the sight of it, the feeling of closeness and of warm skin against his hands. Then Drifter leaned down to kiss Shin's forehead before straightening up, gently taking one of his hands back, the other one going from the hunter's head to his shoulder.

"This mornin', when I went to get breakfast, uh. I got somethin' else as well." He said, hesitating a little, as his hand went into his coat, looking for the inside pocket. He didn't know if it was the right time, all Drifter knew was that if he didn't do it now he might not dare to do it ever. "Somethin' for you."

* * *

The loss of the hand in his hair pained Shin more than it should have. He tried not to let it show on his face though, squeezing just a little tighter against his leg. The shoulder was still good, but he felt dangerously alone and untethered without it. Shin watched the Drifter's movements, tense and blatantly anticipatory. He didn't know what to expect, whether it would be something that helped him to lean into that surrender or whether it would cut as deep as the other surprises.

* * *

Seeing Shin become tense like that almost made him rethink the whole thing, except he had said no overthinking, no second guessing. Drifter took a deep breath, smiled in a way that he hoped would be reassuring, and took out his hand, now with a small box in it.

It wasn't the same box he had found with his loot. It was still wood, but a lot lighter, simple and unpolished, with actual hinges, and no lock. He opened and showed it to Shin right away, before he had time to think anymore.

Inside, over thin wrapping paper, there were the two dark silver rings they had found in the other box, with a simple silver chain threaded through each of them.

"I thought they'd be more practical like this. Uh, you don't have to wear it, of course, it doesn't have to _mean_ anythin' you don't want it to, I just..." Drifter caught himself before he started really rambling, bit his lip, then smiled, earnest and anxious. "I love you, and I wanted you to have it."

* * *

Shin's stomach turned, tension not fading as he took in the Drifter's words. Was he allowed to say it? The pull wanted him to, but everything in him was terrified at the idea. He remembered vividly how it had gone the last time he'd given in, spoken what he'd kept in his heart. He wasn't sure he'd be able to cope if it was taken poorly.

But... this was a second chance, wasn't it? They were trying, he was trying so hard. And the Drifter had said to do what the pull wanted, albeit not in those exact words. Things weren’t complete, it needed to be _accepted_. He swallowed, let the claim open his mouth for him when he was too cowardly to do it himself.

"Love you too," he murmured, eyes downcast for a moment before flicking anxiously up to see the Drifter's expression. Watching to see if it cracked and broke. He didn't... He didn't understand the rings still, wasn't sure why the Drifter was so hung up on them, but it made him happy and Shin could be happy for it in return. "Thank you." He bit into his lip.

* * *

Drifter's breath got caught in his throat, eyes widening in something akin to wonder. He thought after how badly he had fucked up the first time, and after telling him not to do it, Shin might never speak those words to him again. It felt like being granted a second chance, and god, Drifter didn't even care if he didn't deserve it. In that moment, he knew he'd do anything to be worthy of it, and that had to count for something.

The hand on the hunter's shoulder went slightly lower, to grab at his arm and raise him up into a kiss.

* * *

He went, meeting the Drifter in sheer relief and letting their lips meet. He hadn’t messed up, he’d done the right thing and the Drifter was happy with him. He relaxed, limbs losing their tightness as he opened his mouth a little. Tilted his head, granting Drifter better access if he wanted it. He tasted salt against his lips, and couldn’t quite figure out which one of them was crying. Probably him, his chest certainly felt tight enough for it. He wound his arms around the other’s neck, anchoring himself close in the hopes that he’d get to stay there.

* * *

Before he lost himself into the kiss, Drifter had the presence of mind to leave the open box on the table, and then put that hand on the small of the hunter's back, pulling him in closer as he turned in the chair so their bodies were facing each other.

He hummed in approval when he felt arms around his neck, delighted at the little show of autonomy. Shin wasn't only tolerating it, at least. It emboldened Drifter a little, and he took the opening he had been given to deepen the kiss.

* * *

Shin hadn't ever stood up fully, remaining half pulled up from his seated position, but the hand on his back pulled him up and forwards so his main options were to stand and hunch awkwardly over the Drifter or simply to settle into his lap and hope that he could stay there. He did so, letting himself be pressed against the Drifter's solid form.

The press of tongue into his mouth, exploring everywhere he'd grant it access, drove a tiny noise out of him. Something small and relieved in the back of his throat, determined to enjoy what he was given. It all seemed so much easier like this than their previous conversations, his body knowing what to do more than his mind had ever understood.

* * *

Shifting to help the hunter settle as comfortably as possible into his lap, Drifter enjoyed the weight of Shin on him and the warm press against his body. He just wanted to keep him there, as close as would be possible while holding him gently.

He did his best to keep the kiss good and slow, to avoid getting too intense too fast even if getting those little noises from the man always drove Drifter wild. But he wanted it to be clear that this was enough, this was _perfect_. Wanted to be able to show his love and appreciation without any rush.

* * *

He wanted to press in deeper, to open himself up and let Drifter take what he wanted until there was nothing left. Something kept him back though, stilled his hands as one of them began to wander down the man's chest. Pressing back against that constant desire for more, it kept him back in place as best it could. Didn't keep him from pressing up against the Drifter, closing his eyes against the tears and letting himself love that warmth. He moaned, low and gentle as he shifted in the Drifter's lap, felt the man pull him closer in.

* * *

Drifter echoed the hunter's moan with a satisfied sound of his own, low and rumbling. He took the hand from his arm to cover the one Shin had raised to his chest, holding it above his heart. _Yours_, he thought.

He could feel the tears now, wet where they touched his own cheeks, making his own heart beat a little faster, and Drifter pulled back just a little to kiss away their trail on each cheek, kiss the wet eyelashes. "It's alright. It's gonna be just fine. God, you're so good."

* * *

The heart beneath his fingers beat slow, slower than made sense given the way he moved and sounded. Then again, he certainly wasn't as warm as he should be either so it might be there were other factors at play. Still, the feeling of it under his skin... he remembered, dimly, how it had felt. Tongue darting out, it flicked over his lips without ever really thinking about it.

He panted softly against the Drifter's lips as he spoke, doing his best not to press down and writhe against his thigh. Instead he listened, rapt, and did his best to believe the words, even if the tears only flowed stronger in response.

* * *

He didn't think he could stop Shin crying right now, but maybe that was ok. Maybe the man just needed the physical release of it, and Drifter could just hold him through it, kiss him through it, same as he had while the man bled out.

He went back to cover the hunter's mouth with his own again, allowing himself to make it a little more passionate now, licking into him, taking little bites of his lower lip from time to time before soothing the delicate skin with his tongue.

* * *

It was hard for Shin to not just whimper and moan into the kiss as Drifter worked him over. Teeth and lips and tongue teased oh so deliberately at his skin, light and focused. He inhaled sharply as the Drifter pressed into his mouth, trying to avoid breaking the kiss to gasp for air. He was good, he could be good still.

Eventually, he couldn't quite restrain himself and pressed down hard against Drifter's leg, shifting a little left and right for that mind-numbing friction before returning to position, having indulged himself more than was allowed by the pace Drifter was setting. The noise he made as he moved through, swallowed into the kiss... Well. It certainly wasn't chaste. Mostly desperation, some fear and awe. "Please," he managed despite everything.

* * *

The hunter was never going to stop surprising him. Drifter had thought he'd have to hold back for his sake, take it a lot slower, give Shin more time to process everything. Part of him wondered if he still should, but he bit back at it. No second guessing what he had been explicitly told, as much with body language as with words.

"Anythin' you want." The Lightbearer said, breaking the kiss for some air, breathless and fervent. He started kissing Shin's neck now, moving one of his legs so the thigh would be between the hunter's, pressing up. "You just need to say it, and it's yours."

* * *

Another rough exhalation, a high-pitched noise on the intake of air as the Drifter pressed up against him. Shin rocked forward to meet that solid pressure, back arching just a little at the feel of it. It occurred to him that maybe he should be a little embarrassed, squirming and gasping against the Drifter's leg, dry humping against him while fully clothed. The Drifter liked it though, the approval written large on his face and more gently in whatever was curling through his chest.

If he just pushed away all the bits of him that were thinking and worrying, let movement and feeling run the show for a while, he could just do whatever made them both feel good. It was always Shin who was the one messing things up by thinking himself into a corner. If he could just get rid of that entirely for a while, he could make things better.

* * *

Drifter had said he wanted something simple, hadn't he? Well, there probably couldn't be anything simpler than this, the warm body of a beautiful man who _wanted_ him, on his lap, and knowing exactly what he had to do to get all those delightful noises out of him.

Anything outside of it felt like a theoretical, hazy idea right now. Which would materialise eventually, sure, but didn't need examining too closely at the moment. At the moment, all that felt real was the soft skin of the neck he kept exploring with his lips, tongue, teeth, and the hunter's movement against him, which he encouraged with the hand on his lower back.

* * *

Head thrown back, hair still somehow falling in front of his eyes, Shin closed his eyes tight against the overwhelming mess of sensation. The Drifter bit down, just nipping at the skin of his throat and he couldn’t help whimpering in response. Hurting was good, of course it was, but the tinier gentler ways the Drifter could hurt him were somehow harder to think around than the knives. At least those weren’t soothed and gentled away beneath a wet tongue and soft kisses, before being re-inflicted on exactly the same spot.

His hips jerked, the hand on his back pressing him closer against the Drifter and he made a horrifically desperate noise. “Please,” he repeated, voice quiet and breaking ever so slightly with the intensity of it all. One hand detached from the Drifter’s neck, the other still holding on for dear life as he chased that sensation. Carefully, he pressed his palm up against the Drifter, feeling the hardness of him beneath his clothes. He just kept it there, pressing down enough to feel good, waiting for permission.

* * *

"_Oh, fuck_" The Drifter couldn't stop himself from pressing up into that hand, swearing softly. Shin clearly wanted this, he wanted it, and as the hunter had said, it didn't hurt anyone else, so why not just go along with it?

Drifter groaned against Shin's neck, gave it another kiss before pulling back just enough to try to meet the hunter's eyes. "Are you sure this is ok?" Not even the Lightbearer himself knew what he was looking for - maybe explicit permission, maybe some confirmation that he wasn't a terrible person for this. Which wasn't how it worked, probably, but he still felt he had to ask.

* * *

The loss of that mouth against his skin hurt a little, cool air making the damp on his neck _cold_. He made a noise of protest, looking to see what the problem was, and met that dark gaze. Didn't stop moving though, still rubbing himself raw against the man's leg.

Shin's mouth was dry, moisture lost through panting and gasping, and he swallowed. Didn't understand the question, not when he was so clearly on board. He pressed down, thumbing at where he could feel the head of the man's cock, leaned back in to kiss him deep. If he didn’t want this, would he be doing it? He barely understood why Drifter would even ask.

* * *

Well, damn, that was probably as good of a response as he was going to get, and it sure was something. Shin wanted this, and if Drifter pushed him away now he'd be making the same mistake as before, right? Making Shin think he didn't want him.

He kissed back immediately, but didn't push to get back the kind of control he'd had on the previous kiss, following the hunter's lead on this one, trying his best to undo the fastenings on Shin's trousers with both of them still moving against each other.

* * *

The loss of direction was confusing, and he faltered for a moment. Then, of course, the little pull he'd gotten so used to moved him in the right way, pressed his tongue between the Drifter's teeth and ground him down hard against his thigh. The rush of sensation, unexpected despite being entirely his fault, meant that his hand stuttered as it was tracing the outline of the Drifter's length beneath fabric.

It was easy, so easy, to slip his hand beneath the Drifter's waistband and palm hot flesh. He wrapped his hand around the length of him, moving his hand in a gentle twisting motion even as he continued to get himself off. This, a part of him whispered, was what he was good for.

* * *

Oh, that was just lovely. Drifter opened his mouth to the other man's tongue with a moan, hips bucking into the touch as soon as it was felt on the sensitive flesh. Breathing heavily now, the Lightbearer hurried to take Shin's own length out, and finally get a hand around it.

"God, you're so perfect." Drifter said, voice rough, as he pulled back momentarily to pant for air. Damn, he'd barely been touched yet and he already felt so far gone, completely focused on his hunter, the whole world comfortably reduced to this small bubble of warmth and arousal.

* * *

Every jolt of Drifter's hips, the dry slide of skin on skin, moved the man's thigh up against Shin and the hand around him. Made it hard to keep himself from sobbing again, given how oversensitive he'd become over the course of things. Breaking the kiss for a moment, he did all but shove his fist down his throat getting his hand wet enough that when he went back to the Drifter it would feel good.

The hand against him let Shin roll his hips forward again and again, having lost some of the control from before but gained a far more satisfying means of friction. He was close, very close, and he could still feel that pull wanting him to move faster, deeper, _more_ so why not indulge it?

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer felt that wet friction just as he was starting to find a good rhythm, losing it for a moment, the praise on his lips reduced to a wordless vocalisation of approval, before he started thrusting into it, harder than before.

Drifter stopped his attentions to Shin's cock for a moment, raising his hand to press fingers inside the hunter's mouth, forcing themselves into the soft warmth of it until they were slick enough to return to it properly.

* * *

Drifter's fingers felt thicker than they looked, salty with the taste of Shin and sweat, not so careful with their movements. He opened wide, jaws forced apart anyway. Sealing his lips around the intrusion he sucked, tongue pressing around and between them as he groaned at the loss of friction.

Gentle, almost too gentle, he closed his teeth against the Drifter's fingers and moved his hand faster to meet the rapid pace he was setting. Tightened his grip, made it as good for the other man as possible.

* * *

"Ah, fuck, Shin. Good boy." He managed to say in between the gasps and moans being ripped out of him. That mouth was perfect too, hot and soft and just with enough of a hint of teeth to make it interesting. And a goddamn beautiful sight, god, he could have stared at it until he came, and Drifter let himself entertain the idea for a moment. But he'd done it for a reason, and Shin was being so good to him. Only fair to return the favour.

He took his hand away, feeling teeth lightly scraping against the skin of his fingers, and wrapped it around Shin's hardness once more, trying his best to mirror his own rhythm with it.

* * *

His mouth felt empty with those fingers gone, even if the slick grip and rhythmic motion made his toes curl and voice go ragged. Shin's head dropped forward, hair falling in front of his eyes as he moved in tandem with the Drifter. His wrist ached, but that was good. He pushed through, upped the pace, wanted to get another compliment. Some reassurance, anything to keep that blissful feeling of rightness.

Shin was so close, breath catching in his chest. Leaning in, he met the Drifter in a kiss. Chaste, but constant. It was hard not to go pliant and needy, let the other man drive, but he wanted Shin to be taking initiative. So, he squeezed just a little tight, on the right side of painful, jerked his hand irregularly and drove himself closer to the Drifter in search of his own release.

* * *

It felt like his entire body was shaking now, driven to the extreme by the intense pace Shin was setting now. All Drifter could do was close his eyes to focus solely on the sensation, chasing it further, offering a litany of praise in a low, broken voice, _Oh, Shin, you're so good, fuck, you're such a dream-_ He only stopped because of the kiss, and there was something so sweet about it, so intimate in its simplicity, that it pushed him right over the edge, and Drifter spent himself on the hunter's hand, his own grip going tighter as a reflex.

* * *

The words of affirmation washed over Shin, bolstering his nerve and pressing the part of him which cared further and further beneath the surface. He was good, he was doing well, and when he finally succeeded and the Drifter shook apart beneath him, it brought with it a wave of something he didn't even know how to understand. He went thoroughly blank, exhaling in a gasp and letting himself move in the Drifter's grip.

A few thrusts, letting the Drifter move him through it, and something broke behind his eyes. Coming to a shuddering halt, he just focused more on his partner. Pressing into his mouth, running fingers through his hair, painfully aware that things would be ending soon, and he wouldn't be allowed to stay in this quiet.

* * *

Trembling, trying to put himself back together, Drifter did his best to breathe deeply while still kissing the hunter, languid and satisfied. The hands on his hair were lovely, sending little shivers through him, and made him sigh into the kiss.

He kept up the strokes of his hand, firm, not too fast, but soon noticed Shin had stopped really moving against it, and pulled back from the kiss, slight confusion clear on his face, on the small frown wrinkling his forehead. "C'mon, darlin'. I know you're so close."

* * *

He whined, pressing back into the kiss. Wanting that closeness back, even as his stomach sank at the look on the Drifter's face. He started moving half-heartedly, doing his level best to keep things under control while still doing as was wanted.

The pull was confused, pulling him in a lot of different directions while it tried to figure out what was wanted of him. Shin himself didn't know, only knew that fear had begun to creep its way along his spine. Sex was easy, even if it didn't hurt it was still simple. If he could just stay in this moment a little longer, everything would stay good.

* * *

Drifter kissed the hunter back in reassurance, trying to think about what had changed, why he'd feel so different all of a sudden. The way he tried to move again confirmed it because, yeah, that was nothing like the way he'd moved when he really wanted this.

He took his hand away and grabbed at Shin's hip to stop him. "Honey, slow down, shh." Drifter kissed him again, sweet and brief, the hand that had been at the small of Shin's back now coming up to brush the hair back and away from his eyes. "What's wrong? Tell me what's goin' on."

* * *

Shin obeyed immediately, trembling and sweaty in the Drifter's lap, eyes wide and confused. He didn't like this, this switching of goals. Had he not been moving well enough? Not been good enough to feel against Drifter's skin, pretty enough to watch- he blinked, opened his mouth, tried to dredge up enough awareness to do as he was asked.

This hurt, just a little. Not in the good way, where it felt clean and grounding. Just good old bad, on the body and on the brain. Still raw and hard, without any real desire to find completion. Trying to surface some actual Shin out of the murk to do what he'd been asked and get that contact and satisfaction back.

"There’s nothin’ wrong," he managed, voice small.

* * *

It was so hard to understand what was going on, why Shin seemed... Confused, and almost hurt? It made Drifter's chest fill with anxiety, but he did his best not to let it show, kissed the hunter once more, holding his face with both his hands now. He kept them there when he pulled back to speak again, looking into the hunter's eyes for answers. "Darlin', I promise it's ok. You started actin' different, and I just wanna make sure you're alright." Leaning in slightly, Drifter rested his forehead against Shin's. "Tell me what's goin' on in that lovely head of yours."

* * *

The kisses were supposed to help. He didn't understand why they weren't, the contact falling flat. A tiny part of him sang that it was because the Drifter had stopped wanting him, and it wasn't ever going to be good again. He did his best to ignore it, just keep breathing evenly.

"I'm-" the pull choked the words in his mouth as he tried to reassure the Drifter that he was fine, and everything was ok and there was no need to worry so just enjoy him and let him drift back again. The Drifter didn't want him to lie, he realised with a dull sense of misery. It was all going to happen again. He couldn't say the truth, couldn't lie, couldn't be good. If the Drifter had put so much into his head as he seemed to think, Shin thought miserably, why couldn't he have put something in there that would stop him from messing up like this?

"Just want to be good," he managed, voice wobbling even as the pull rewarded him for the partial truth.

* * *

Drifter stayed silent and gave his hunter some time to think, find a response, even though he very much didn't like how much the man seemed to be struggling with it.

When he finally spoke, Drifter felt a deep pang of guilt inside. Had he done anything to make him feel he wasn't good? That he had to prove himself somehow? God.

"Sweetheart, listen to me. You're so good. There's nothin' you can do that'd make me think you ain't good." The hunter could tear him into pieces and Drifter would adore him all the way through. He _had_. Drifter wished he knew how to really understand what Shin meant, how to make him believe the way Drifter felt.

* * *

Wasn't enough, wasn't enough and the sadness that flickered across the Drifter's face hurt but not as much as the burn for more did. He opened his mouth, let the want drag more of it out of him.

"I keep makin’ you sad and then you don't want me and I don't know how to fix it and I'm _sorry_ I just wanted things to be quiet for a bit." He inhaled, sharp, before something painful choked him a little. The hands on his face felt too heavy, keeping him in place. Seen, known. He didn't look at the Drifter, didn't dare. Just kept his gaze safely down and away.

* * *

Fuck, he just couldn't say anything right, didn't know how to be reassuring and loving, apparently, just made it worse every single time. Drifter was just trying his best, and still fucking up.

Feeling sorry for himself wouldn't help either of them, though. He took a deep breath, one hand smoothing Shin's hair back, before he needed to use both of them to rearrange his pants and tuck him back in, kissing his cheek.

"Shin, do you know why I wanted you to have this?" Drifter said, with a small smile and gentle voice, picking up one of the rings still on their box on the table. He put the silver chain around Shin's neck, adjusting it casually. "I like symbols. I wanted you to have a symbol, because for me, it's a promise, and a reminder. I always love you, and I always want you. That's what it means." Drifter got the other one, put it around his own neck. "Any time you doubt it, you can use it to remind yourself. Because I wouldn't have given it to you if I felt any other way." The smile became a bit bigger. "Y'know I don't joke around with symbolism stuff."

* * *

The metal was cold against his skin, and Shin ran uncertain fingertips against the smooth surface. The one around the Drifter's neck looked odd, hanging there with the jade pendant. Not bad, just strange. He swallowed, eyes bright; he wanted those fingers back in his hair, moving him and sending those gentle sparks down his spine.

"I upset you, though. You were sad.” he slipped one finger into the ring as he fidgeted, barely even noticing as he tried to make sense of it all. "And you stopped." He looked up, shoulders slumping a little. "I don't understand." Didn't stop him wrapping his hand around the ring, keeping it safe. But... if he wanted him, if that was assured and not earned, then things would have gone very differently he thought.

* * *

Watching the hunter fidget with the ring made his heart beat a bit faster, warmth pooling at the bottom of his stomach, even if he was sure Shin was mostly just humouring him by accepting it, he appreciated that.

It was still hard to understand where he was coming from, though. "Darlin', that's not... You didn't do anythin' wrong, you didn't make me sad." He blinked, trying to find a better way to explain himself. Shin seemed very reactive to any even remotely negative emotions on the Drifter's part now, and he wasn't sure if that had been his doing or not.

Finally he decided to try something else, both his arms circling the hunter's waist. "Shin, I don't think I understand either. I'm sorry, I'd like to understand what you've been thinkin'. You think you can help me, sweetheart?"

* * *

Hmm. Strong, clear pull. And contact, good contact that he could lose himself in without having to listen to the words he said. Shin leant in, drinking in the pressure and touch.

He closed his eyes, tried to make the muddle of worry and wanting in his head make sense.

"I'm not very trustworthy right now," he admitted, tensing slightly. "Nearly killed you and wouldn't have ever known it wasn't just me. And then I tried so hard to make sure everything was just me and it _still_ wasn't and I didn't know that either." He inhaled, trying not to panic over it. "So I'm not. A good person to be listening to. But I trust you and it feels good makin’ you feel good and you said it was ok to want that and I trust that too. Only I keep messing up and upsetting you and thinking about things and..." He trailed off, face having crumpled somewhat over the course of his speech.

* * *

Drifter listened intently, hanging into the hunter's every word. God, he wished he had words that were guaranteed to erase all his worries, wished he could keep him close and safe forever. The Lightbearer held him a little tighter.

"You ain't messing up, ok? I'm not upset with you, darlin', I've been upset at myself, because of how much I hurt you." He did his best at explaining and reassuring at the same time, not knowing how successful he was being. That all made sense, he thought, from Shin's point of view, but it couldn't be more different than what Drifter actually thought. "None of that matters to me. I told ya, we'll figure it out together. One step at a time. Anythin' you think about, y'can share, and I'll be right there with you t'handle it.”

* * *

There wasn't a response to that, not one the hunter knew how to give. It just... It didn't feel true. Didn't jive with that crawling fear which had settled in him, kept sinking its teeth in the moment anything went wrong. The arms around his back, they helped. A little.

Oh, he still owed him an explanation, didn't he?

"I just wanted," he began hesitantly, "to... for it to keep going. Stay quiet in my head, keep being good for you. For a bit longer." He ducked his head. Clearly that hadn't worked out, had it? Shame spiralled against him, sharp, and he pressed hard at the ring around his neck. He hadn't done anything wrong, the Drifter had said as much. He was wanted, even if he'd missed the mark here. Felt fake, but the words might help.

* * *

Alright. That made sense. Hurt like hell, too, the fact that he might have somehow made Shin think that was the only way he could be good, but Drifter's feelings weren't important right now, so he pushed that away. What was important was finding something that worked better for Shin.

"Darlin', y'don't have to force yourself into anythin' you're not genuinely into, ok?" Drifter's hands went up and down Shin's back, stroking gently. "There's other ways you can be good for me, if that's what you'd like."

Anything to keep him happy and safe, to make the hunter understand he was loved. If he wanted things to be simpler for a bit, have someone else take the lead, and be rewarded for it, well, he could give him that.

* * *

He pressed back just a little, face going just a little less tight at the soft press of those hands. "Not forcing anything," Shin corrected, shifting just a little against him. "Just gets a lot more complicated when it's over." He didn't want the Drifter to think he didn't want him either, he knew how that hurt. He just wanted to be good _more_ than he cared about getting off.

The idea of being good without that desire to speed things along though, that he didn't understand. What Drifter wanted could be a finicky thing when there wasn't something directing him. He tried, Traveller knew he tried, but he wasn't exactly confident in his abilities there. If the Drifter said there was something he could do though, he could try. Would happily try. "Please," he murmured, trying not to look too hopeful.

* * *

That was better than what Drifter had been fearing, then. Not forcing himself, just... A shifting of priorities. He could understand that, he could work with it. And Shin looked like he liked the idea, which was good. Maybe if Drifter didn't fuck this up as well, things could be ok, he could find a way to make the hunter happy again.

Drifter kissed his cheek, the corner of his mouth, his lips, all brief and sweet. "Do y'wanna know what I want, right now?" He said, staying close, voice almost a whisper.

* * *

He melted slightly as the kisses bled some tension away. A fervent nod, one finger hooked around the ring like an anchor. "_Please_," he repeated, shivering at the breath against his face. God, that tone of voice just tingled in the strangest way.

The flex of power was intense, given how much the other had been holding back lately. Set his teeth on edge, the change in pressure palpable. Shin tilted his head, throat exposed almost unconsciously. "Anything," he murmured. It felt better already, slipping back down into that mental space between them.

* * *

Shin seemed so willing, so ready for anything, that Drifter almost feared being a disappointment, less than what the hunter wanted and expected. But for it to work, he had to be genuine about what he wanted, right? It wasn't always going to be big and exciting.

"I want you to put your arms around my neck and hold on tight." He started, voice not reflecting any of the doubt he had just thought through. "So I can carry you to bed. I want you to stay with me, and cuddle up close, and I want us to get some sleep." Another small kiss. "Y'think you can do that for me?"

* * *

Shin hadn't expected that as a possibility at all. It wasn't something he wanted overmuch, besides the closeness and contact. But that was good, he thought. Made it better. Made it easier to focus on doing what was wanted of him if he wasn't too wrapped up in enjoying it for himself. Anything _meant_ anything, and he'd be pretty poor at his task if they only ever did what he wanted.

"Ok," he nodded, expression clearing to something simpler and more content as he made the decision. Wrapping his arms around Drifter's neck, he tucked his chin over one shoulder and enjoyed the warmth of him. Inhaled gently, the smell of the other still good. He pressed a kiss to the bit of neck he was pressed up against.

* * *

Good, ok, that hadn't been the completely wrong thing to say, and Shin seemed content enough to go along with it, the little kiss sending pleasant shivers through the Lightbearer.

"Thank you." He said while getting his own arms in a better position to carry the man, before standing up. It felt easy, right.

Drifter hadn't really ever left his workshop without making sure everything was in order before. It was the one place he kept like this, and the empty box on the table, the pencil and sketchbook on the floor as he stepped over them, tugged insistently at his attention for a moment. But it was just the force of habit, and as he kept going, leaving them behind, he realised he didn't actually care all that much. Definitely not enough to inconvenience the man in his arms, who was being so lovely.

* * *

Winding his legs around the man's waist, Shin just appreciated the sensation of being lifted like he wasn't anything and kept pressed up against that solid frame. He made a tiny noise of appreciation, thumb brushing against the back of Drifter's neck. Focusing on keeping himself in place against a little of the jostling, just staying close and unobtrusive as best he could, that felt good to him. Judging by the little shifts of fingers and neck against him, Drifter liked it too. He pressed another kiss to the same point, just staying there. Keeping that point of contact, feeding the skin hunger; showing his appreciation the only way he could think of.

* * *

It wasn't that long until they were back in the living quarters, and Drifter gently lowered both of them into the soft bedding, unwilling to take his arms away from around the smaller man. Carrying him through the ship, feeling that weight close and constant, had felt so reassuring. Like even after everything that had happened, Shin trusted Drifter to take care of him.

"There we go. Feels so good to carry you, thank you." The Lightbearer smiled a little, unwrapping one arm just to be able to pet Shin's hair tenderly. He'd never get tired of running his fingers through it.

* * *

Drifter didn't let go once, just holding him close and tight against the cold and dark. It was hard not to get restless, anxious against the noises the ship liked to make to itself. He kept still and quiet though, kept himself soft in the Drifter's arms. Good and comforting and comfortable, having to trust that the Drifter knew of and could handle anything out here. He closed his eyes, listened to the slightly-laboured breaths.

When Drifter finally set them down, he let himself separate a little from the other's chest. Gave him space to lower his arms, curl up a little so as to fit better into the curve of the other man's body. The hand in his hair was good, constant and gentle. Got a noise that was almost a purr out of him, all satisfied contentment and pleasure. Shin opened his eyes, looked up at the Drifter. That smile, that was good. "Feels good," he echoed, trying to match the smile.

* * *

That might actually be one of his favourite Shin noises, really. Feeling the contentment on it, knowing it was his doing, it just made Drifter feel like everything was ok in the world for a little while. That wasn't something he got to feel very often at all, so moments like this were precious to him.

He kissed Shin's forehead, and then got a blanket to wrap around the both of them, gently using the hand still in his hair to guide the hunter to rest his head on his chest, trying to get him into a comfortable position. They quickly drifted off into sleep, cuddled up close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Tell me you love this, tell me you’re not miserable."_  
\- Richard Siken


	17. Chapter 17

It didn't feel like morning when he woke, but honestly that could've just been a side-effect of his confusion. Took a moment to realise that the weight on top of him was responsible for the difficulty he was having breathing, and that his inability to see properly wasn't darkness. Just the blanket over his face and hand on his head.

Once the blanket was out of the way, he could take in a few lungfuls of cold air and wake up a little more. Drifter was laid out, part beside him and part on top, the line of him fully pressed against Shin's body. Which was unfortunate, considering Shin's current situation. He winced a little as the Drifter shifted, pressing up against a certain area to a point bordering on pain. He closed his eyes, breathing through it, and tried to begin the process of getting out from under the man without waking him up.

* * *

Drifter woke up slowly, something shifting and moving against him. In the old days, he knew he'd have jumped up immediately, fully awake in a second, alarms blaring in his head. But in the old days he also slept on a shitty sleeping bag next to a campfire more often than not, so really, made sense. Here he was warm, in a place he had made damn sure would be safe, with his wonderful hunter sleeping by his side and...

Oh, right. That was probably Shin trying to get up, huh. Drifter yawned, tried his best to rise up to consciousness again, moved a little.

* * *

The bulk pressing down against him moved again, this time with a noise that sounded almost awake, and Shin couldn't help a low whine from the depths of his chest. God, _god_. He pushed a little less gently against the man's shoulders, trying to keep the rest of him utterly still.

It was pointless though, really and truly. The amount of force he'd have to apply to lift Drifter away from him would wake him up for sure. So instead he gave up, lay still and tried not to make any particularly embarrassing noises. If the Drifter stayed asleep then he'd just endure until the problem went away. Or, if he woke up then he could make the decision for himself.

* * *

God, he really had needed a good long rest. Drifter had been so exhausted. Sensation was returning slowly to him, a push on his shoulders feeling very weak and distant. It did manage to wake him up just that little bit more, though. Still, he was in no rush. Didn't see a reason why he shouldn't let himself just enjoy this.

"Hmm. Good mornin', beautiful." The Lightbearer managed to say, voice very much blurred with sleep, throwing one arm across the hunter's chest. "Ya sleep 'k?"

* * *

Shin didn't understand how that could be worse, but somehow it was. The restraint was total now, and he couldn't say he didn't like it. It was comforting, warm. But it was also of intense interest to certain parts of his psyche which _really_ didn't need encouragement right now.

His voice, when he spoke, was a touch higher pitched than normal. "Slept well, yeah." Short, clipped words. Hoping that he didn't sound as strained as he felt, even as the Drifter's hip pressed directly against him in a way that _demanded_ some form of movement. Friction, something.

* * *

That was an affirmative response, he was pretty sure, though Drifter forgot the exact words as soon as he heard them. Humming happily, he used the arm draped over him to pull Shin closer to himself, shifting to accommodate the hunter against his own body.

He really didn't want to fully wake up, though he knew he should. Didn't want to run Gambit, though he hadn't done it enough lately and knew he needed the tithe. Worm was starting to get proper restless, the balance of the whole thing so up and down these days. Drifter really had to keep doing his research there and find some better options that might work for the both of them. Well, he'd deal with all of that soon. Only not just yet.

* * *

Shin choked out a groan, unable to keep from pressing into the movement as the Drifter dragged himself against the hunter's body. He bit down on his lip immediately after, trying to angle himself away as best he could.

He could do this, he knew he could do this. He just had to stay still and calm and not focus on the way that strangely soft bulk felt against him. The way being pinned and moved around without question or even thought felt. The way he smelled and tasted, pressed against Shin's face in half-conscious enjoyment of him.

Oh, god. He couldn't do this.

* * *

Hmm. Shin hadn't protested, but he also wasn't taking the opportunity to cuddle up against Drifter, instead leaning slightly away. That wasn't ideal, and made the Lightbearer worry just a little bit, wondering if his still half-asleep brain was missing anything obvious.

"Hey. What's up?" He said, pleasantly, nuzzling his face against the hunter's hair, sighing happily as he settled himself against it. They had been doing so well with actual communication, he hoped if there was an issue Shin would actually tell him straight up.

* * *

He bit down again against the meat of his cheek, trying not to just moan at the painful pressure. The Drifter nosed through his hair, soft and tender and still so inconvenient there weren't even words for it.

Then something insubstantial stroked against him, offered the opportunity to be good in a more concrete way than the vague guestimates he had to make when Drifter was asleep. He closed his eyes, doing his best not to just squirm against the Drifter, and managed to say in an impressively calm tone "You're pressed right up against my dick, love."

* * *

Well, couldn't get more straight-up than that, could you. Which was good, after all, he had asked. Kinda felt nice to get a clear response. Though God, how hadn't he just noticed? He blinked, flexing some of his muscles, trying to wake up pretty much all the way now. Ah. Yeah, that would be it, huh?

Drifter chuckled. "Want me to do somethin' about it?" He waited, for permission or to be told to stop, but didn't move at all from where he was pressed up against him.

* * *

Shin flinched a little at the renewed movement against sensitive flesh. Took a lot of control, a lot of energy not to just squirm against that thigh and hope that he'd be forgiven. The next words were an aching relief though, and he let out a slow breath.

"_Please,_" he groaned, the word clearly becoming something of a mantra these days. He shifted, letting his hardness rub up against him. Now that he knew the other was on board at least, that he wouldn't be taking advantage, it was all the harder to keep still.

* * *

Well, wasn't that beautiful. Drifter smiled, playful, idly thinking that the hunter sure had gotten a lot more polite these days. Couldn't believe it really had taken him this long to figure out how to remind the man to remember his _please_ and _thank you_.

"C'mere." Drifter pulled at him again, this time grabbing gently at his hip, moving just a little to meet the hardness of him, then shifting back again, encouraging Shin to start moving.

* * *

As always, Shin happily did as he was told. He moved where Drifter moved him, still very much pinned beneath the other man's solid bulk. Still a little difficulty breathing, frankly, which had been fine while lying still and quiet. Like this though, hips moving to meet the Drifter's own, pressed into the floor and only able to move what the other wanted him to... Moaning, face buried against fabric and flesh, Shin did his best to keep breathing and moving.

He might, he admitted in the privacy of his own head, be a little desperate. Just a touch. It wasn't like the Drifter could know how long he'd been awake and wanting for, though. And, well. He had the feeling that he might find it charming regardless. He was strange like that, acts of pathetic neediness finding room in his heart despite the obvious problems.

* * *

The earnest way the hunter was doing his best to move again him was delightful, and sure took care of making Drifter finally feel wide awake. However, he quickly realised that this position wouldn't work all that well.

He pushed himself up from the other man, weight resting on his forearm, the other hand yanking the blanket away from them both, at the same time he leaned back in just enough to be able to kiss Shin.

* * *

The cold air was a shock, and he flinched at the sudden loss of warmth. His noise of alarm was swallowed in a kiss though, and despite his shivering he couldn't quite bring himself to resent it. The loss of that crushing weight was just a little saddening, and he felt too light now. Like he'd lose control and float away if he weren't careful. The angle let him press up against Drifter better though, let him run a hand down between them to thumb at the hardening length of him while it was still just a little soft.

The Drifter looked so good like this, he realised with his heart in his mouth. All sleep-blurred softness, his hair in disarray and his movements clumsy. Even the mouth on his lacked its usual finesse. "Beautiful," he murmured, dazed by the force of it all so early.

* * *

Drifter kissed him deep and slow, still just that little bit hazy with sleep but determined to make the hunter forget all about the cold. He pressed down into his touch, moaned against his lips. The compliment made the Lightbearer flush, shivering just a little. It would be really easy just to continue like this, chase his own pleasure. But he didn't want the focus on himself like that, not this time.

"Shh, gimme a sec, sweetheart." Drifter gave Shin one last lingering kiss before pushing himself up and away again, moving to a new position in between the hunter's legs, on his knees. He licked his lips, eyes brighter now. "Lemme take care of ya?"

* * *

More loss, less pressure, and Shin once more couldn't keep the saddened noises inside. He licked his lips, slowly, watching the other move away from him. Chasing the taste, or perhaps the idea of him, against his lips. He did miss the feel of velvet skin against his hand though, raising his thumb to tongue slowly at the pad of it. Not looking away.

Shin remembered the last time he'd seen those lips spread around him. The context was so different like this, the way he was bracketed between Shin's legs and still over him. The lingering feel of those strong hands against his shoulders and chest; it was so far removed from that begging and crying, movements so much less brutal. He flushed.

"Don't bite me this time?" He tried for the joke, even if there was a dual discomfort behind the words. He didn't want to force that memory back up if it wasn't a pleasant one, not at all. And, well. He'd take it without resentment if the Drifter _did_ decide to hurt him like that, without hesitation. But he really hoped he didn't. "Thank you." That, at least, was fervent and and direct.

* * *

Ah, he hadn't really thought of that as he offered, but his memory of it was not exactly clear. Drifter laughed a little anyway, shook his head. Hopefully it was obvious enough that he didn't have any resentment related to the whole thing.

"I'll play nice, I promise." Half smile on his face, the Lightbearer quickly started pulling down Shin's pants, just to below his knees, leaving him fully exposed. Stroking up the thighs, Drifter gave himself a moment to just drink in the sight, then met the hunter's eyes again. "God, you're pretty all over." Fingertips traced the length of his hardness as Drifter spoke.

* * *

The light touches ghosting up the sensitive skin between his legs made him squirm in place; propped up on his elbows, Shin tried his best not to dig his fingernails into his palms hard enough to hurt. He couldn't keep from shifting his hips just a little though, flinching away at one particularly sensitive spot.

The fingers against him though, cool on hot flesh; that was something else entirely. It was too early, he thought dimly, to be so keyed up. A soft noise, and Shin shuddered at the compliment. "Yours," he managed, head dropping back a little. "All yours."

* * *

"Oh, I _really_ like hearing that." Drifter smiled, clearly pleased, before he finally bent down, touching his closed lips to the head of Shin's cock. He felt the wetness of precum on them, and hummed his approval against the sensitive skin, before letting his tongue out to press against it.

All the while, his eyes were pinned to Shin's face, tuned into any reaction, wanting so badly to see how it affected his hunter. Drifter hadn't gotten a proper chance for this before, but he'd bet it might be a very good way to get some of those noises he liked so much out of the other man.

* * *

Heady and warm, the rush of pleasure at the praise was fast becoming a familiar friend. Shin nearly kept going, kept affirming Drifter's ownership, but was thoroughly derailed by the vibrations of that voice against sensitive skin. The press of lips, still so gently, but just the sight of it combined with that tease forced a pained twitch from him. His mouth dropped open unconsciously, dry, and he watched in rapt attention.

God, it was so different from how his mouth had felt before. Every careful movement, each deliberate tease and mouthing kiss was the exact inverse of the way he'd gotten his pleasure. It had been good, sure, fucking into that wet heat with abandon. But this... he dropped his head back as Drifter licked delicately along the head and tongued at the slit, an almost pained groan shaking him.

* * *

Yeah, that was a good start. Didn't want to actually spend too much time teasing the man, though, but a little bit of it made it all more enjoyable. Drifter took the head into his mouth, gave himself a moment to feel the weight of it, then sucked on it gently.

Letting it go with a small pop, the Lightbearer leaned down just a bit more, to plant a kiss on the base of Shin's cock, where he had bitten down last time. Remembering what the hunter had done then, and the contrast with how this felt now, Drifter could only feel a fierce love and gratitude for having a partner that would gladly do both, would go to such different extremes with him. He wanted Shin to feel how thankful he was, wanted to make him feel so good. Drifter licked all the way up, from the base to the head, then took him in his mouth once more, this time doing his best to go down all the way, get Shin's entire length nice and slick.

* * *

If the teasing had almost hurt, actually getting the Drifter's mouth on him was something else entirely. It took a large amount of willpower to stay relatively still, only moving enough that the other could tell he was enjoying it, otherwise letting him be in perfect control of what was happening.

The contrast, then, between the way he clung to the fabric beneath him as Drifter's tongue made its way along the length of him, and the way he had to choke off a yell when he swallowed him down was incredible. Shin couldn't quite keep a handle on himself, pressing his hips upward into the Drifter through sheer reflex. Bad manners, very bad manners, and he let off immediately once he could think and move under voluntary control again. That wet heat though. God. Shin was saying things aloud, barely more than a whisper, and he couldn't tell if it was praise or begging or some strange mix of the two.

* * *

Well, he sure was getting a reaction, Drifter thought, just a little proud of himself, at the same time he was trying not to choke on the upwards thrust. One of his hands grabbed gently but firmly at Shin's hip, guiding him into a slower but constant rhythm, mouth bobbing up and down on time with it.

He could hear Shin murmuring something, though he couldn't distinguish any words, the tone was enough to make him feel all warm and happy, the mere suggestion of the hunter's voice enough to make adoration bloom inside him.

* * *

After his first loss of control, Shin was very careful to move just as the Drifter wanted him to. Pressing up to meet that beautiful mouth, gently enough, before pulling back and feeling the drag of wet lips over flesh. The cold air felt colder when he was otherwise being sheathed in hot bliss the rest of the time, and every time the Drifter moved back over the length of him it was a sweet reprieve.

Propping himself up a little further, heedless of the ache in his back and the terrible angle, Shin watched with intense focus. Those dark lips stretched wide around him, the focus on his face. Winding a hand through the Drifter's hair, still thrusting shallowly to meet every movement, Shin tried not to look as wrecked as he felt.

“_Good_, you're so good, thank you so much," he murmured breathlessly, scratching gently at the back of the Drifter's head. "All yours and you're treating me so well, _thank you_."

* * *

Shin was really looking at him now, and Drifter did his very best to give him a show worth watching. He knew he wasn't a looker the same way the other man was, but at least he was definitely able to look downright filthy if he wanted to.

_Oh_, but those words, that hand on his head were so lovely, it threw him out of his rhythm for a brief moment, loud moaning muffled by half of Shin's cock still in his mouth. His hunter, _his_, and because Drifter was using his ownership to treat him so well, he'd rendered him breathlessly thankful. Simply stunning.

As an apology for losing his pace, Drifter picked it up again just a bit faster, encouraging Shin with the hand on his hip to move into him just a bit harder, swirling his tongue on the head before every thrust made the Lightbearer swallow him down again.

* * *

It was... Oh, it was really noticeable when the Drifter saw him looking. Movements more deliberate, those _lips_, mouth plush and wet wherever he pulled off. He looked incredible, all of it somehow made better by the way his hair was sticking up at odd angles and his eyes were still yet to fully clear. First thing he did, just make Shin feel like this. Could go to a man's head if he weren't careful.

Every noise against his cock only made him more desperate, the vibrations of the Drifter's moans and the way he looked driven to distraction around Shin sending him a little wild. That it was in reaction to his words, the expression of how Drifter made him feel, that was incredible too in a very different way. Made it hard not to just beg incoherently, promise his life to the man, spill out whatever pledge would make him happiest and mean every word. He managed to keep it to increasingly disjointed murmurings of "please" and "so good, you're-" and "_yours_" as he thrust deeper into that maddening heat and prayed to someone that he find release soon lest he pass out all over again.

* * *

Why the fuck had it taken him this long to actually do this? He loved being able to see Shin like this, taste him like this, feel the pleasant weight of him heavy in his mouth. And the way the hunter was unravelling, God, rendered barely coherent, praise and begging melting into one. It was all beautiful.

Drifter kept looking up at Shin's face, not wanting to miss a single thing, and redoubled his efforts best as he could, slightly moving his head so the angle would be better as the hand on his hip practically encouraged the hunter to properly fuck his face now, knowing exactly how close he must be.

* * *

Yeah, this was definitely too much so early. He panted, air just a little hot with light as the Drifter went down somehow even deeper than before. Shin moved with him, tension so close to breaking and eyes a little glazed over with sensation. Still looking at where the two of them joined, just having difficulty focusing properly given everything that was happening.

He was driving hard against the Drifter's mouth now, hand still gently wound through his hair and feeling his head move to swallow Shin down with every thrust. There was barely any rhythm at all now, hips stuttering irregularly and a white-hot seam of tension running through him. Shin groaned, shifting angle ever so slightly just to feel the barest scrape of teeth against him. He just had time to tighten the hand in his hair in warning, unable to actually vocalise properly.

* * *

Drifter was feeling just a little bit lightheaded, not breathing enough, but he couldn't bring himself to care. There wasn't space to focus on anything but his hunter and the lovely, uncoordinated way he was now moving into his mouth, wild in the sweetest way, utterly lost into it all.

Thankful for the warning, Drifter moved just enough to feel the pull of that hand just a bit more sharply, doing his best to swallow it all down as Shin came down his throat, only a trickle of it escaping out of the corner of his mouth with some drool.

* * *

Shin shuddered, back arching, buried in the Drifter's mouth and gasping his way through it. After a long blissful moment, that throat working around him and the sight of his spend dripping down his lover's face, he managed to keep from just going boneless and collapsing back onto the floor.

Trying not to pull too hard against the Drifter's hair, he nonetheless used the grip he had to pull the other man off him. Bringing him up into a kiss, licking the taste of himself off the Lightbearer's beard and out of his mouth. Breathing thanks against him whenever they broke the kiss, letting the man breathe and pulling him close.

* * *

Panting for air, Drifter easily went along with the way the hand on his hair directed him up into a kiss, moaning when the hunter licked the mess on his face away. Drifter had taken good care of him, Shin was thankful, and all of it was wonderful.

"Really good morning so far, huh." The Lightbearer said with a small chuckle, voice made into a rough whisper by the recent efforts of his throat. Damn it, he'd really have to get going soon, but right now he just wanted to kiss the hunter a little bit longer, enjoy the closeness for a few more moments.

* * *

That surprised a laugh out of him, still dizzy and loose with endorphins and satisfaction. Wanted to make the Drifter feel as good as he did, kiss him breathless and hold him close and do whatever he could to say thank you. He stroked fingers through the man's hair, pressed up against him, pressing a kiss against his cheek.

"One hell of a wake-up," he replied, voice still holding the echoes of that breathless gratitude. He wasn't sure how he'd survive the rest of the day, wrung-out and limbless as his body felt after their exertions. He paused, anxious for a moment as time stretched on and the Drifter didn't move against him. "Is there... Can I do anything for you?" Shouldn't have sounded so hesitant, maybe, but it was still hard to bury that fear down.

* * *

Hmm. If he was honest, Drifter didn't care all that much about getting off right now. With Shin, he liked to know he could take his time, instead of having the fact that he was expected to start running gambit real soon on the back of his mind all the while. He thought a little more about it, kissed the hunter lazily to buy himself some time before he had to speak.

Was there anything Shin could do for him? Well, now that he asked, maybe there was something the rogue Lightbearer had been wondering about for a while. He followed the line of the hunter's jaw with his lips, nibbled at the earlobe lightly before he started talking, still almost a whisper. "There might be somethin', but it wouldn't be necessarily comfortable for ya, darlin'." A pause, letting his words sink in. "Would you really do anythin' for me?"

* * *

He almost stopped waiting for an answer, opening up beneath the kiss and then doing his best not to squirm beneath the tiny kisses and bites and the scratch of the Drifter's beard. It all felt a little too much, given how oversensitive he already was right then, but still enjoyable and distracting as hell. When the Drifter started to speak though, in that tone that always sent shivers down his spine, he refocused.

_Anything_, he'd said. Meant it, too. Would kill everyone on the damn planet if the man asked, if only because he trusted that if he did then it'd be to keep alive the rest of the system. Trusted the Drifter's judgement, his devotion. Scared him like hell, but Shin didn't believe in going only halfway in on a thing. He nodded shallowly, eyes bright and mouth suddenly dry. "Anything you want." He could endure discomfort if it meant making Drifter happy.

* * *

Damn, that was a rush. The restless Deep in him curled up inside his chest, pleased with the display of submission. Hungry for more. Drifter smiled and there was a slight predatory edge to it.

"I want you to stay here today, on the Derelict. I'll find you an empty room, and I want you to kneel in it, on the bare floor." He gently but firmly grabbed the hunter's chin, forced him to maintain eye contact. "I want you to stay there while I'm gone. See if the sustained submission is enough to generate tribute for my worm." Drifter tilted his head, observed Shin closely for any reaction. "Think ya can manage that?"

* * *

Shin swallowed, wide-eyed and attentive. He had responsibilities, things he was meant to be doing that day. His job, answering the kids' questions, training them without them noticing. He nodded, despite it all. Eagerly, trusting that Drifter would make sure that those things were dealt with. Or ready to take the consequences if they weren't, anxiety-inducing as the idea was.

He could be good _and_ help with the problem he'd caused. Make the Drifter happy without distracting him, make his own head quiet without taking up space and energy and _effort_. He sighed, something in his chest tightening at the thought. "Whatever you want," Shin promised, blinking up at him.

* * *

That was good, very good. No hesitation, eager to do what had been asked of him. The hunter never disappointed him in that regard.

"Ah, good boy. Couldn't ask for anyone better." He praised, while getting to his feet. Drifter made sure to clean Shin off, rearrange his clothes, and help him up as well, humming happily through it all, gently moving and manhandling his hunter like it was the most casual thing in the world.

"Right, that's better." He gave Shin a long appreciate look, before going to throw his coat on top of the clothes he was already wearing, asking his Ghost to direct them to the nearest completely empty room. He was pretty sure he still had a couple of those. "Come along, beautiful."

* * *

Since he knew he was going to be alone and untouched for quite a while, Shin let himself bask in being moved around and fussed over. Just handing over his agency for a little while, trusting Drifter to take care of him. He looked so happy too, warmth bursting inside his chest at the praise and attention.

Following along, he slipped his hand into the Drifter's own. Letting himself be led, directed as the other wanted him to be. The Derelict felt colder now that they'd left the sparsely heated sleeping quarters, and he shivered. Part physical response, part anticipation; it was going to be cold while staying still in this ship, even if he used light to stay warm. And, well. He might not. Might make it better for the other if it was harder for Shin, mightn't it?

The door they came to was nondescript, as expected. The space within dark and bare.

* * *

Drifter squeezed Shin's hand when he felt it on his, wondering how such a small thing could make him so happy. The hunter trusted him, to lead him somewhere and leave him there, but also to come back for him. At his mercy even in his absence. Yeah, that sure felt good.

The room Drifter's ghost had found was nearby, a small empty place in a practically unheated area of the Derelict, that had been used as storage for a bunch of scrap metal until he managed to sell the lot a couple months back. It was perfect.

"Right, here we are." Still holding Shin's hand, Drifter raised it to press a kiss against the back of it. "Can y'get into position? Show me what a good boy you're goin' to be?"

* * *

For a moment, he balked at the idea of being left in the cold and dark, alone and without anyone knowing where he was. Hit at some real primal parts of the human psyche, that did. Swallowing it down, the press of lips against his skin acting as at least a tiny reassurance, he moved to the middle of the room. Frost slid beneath his boots, breath fogging in front of him.

Turning, Shin looked to the Drifter, just once, before lowering himself to his knees with as much grace as he could muster. Hands resting loosely on his thighs, too experienced with stress positions to think that he could keep them behind his back without restraints for hours at a time. He lowered his head, gaze slipping down to the floor, hopefully presenting an attractive enough picture of subservience.

* * *

That was a very good look on the hunter. For the vast majority of the time he had known him, Shin Malphur had always been an active, restless person, infuriatingly so more often than not. Seeing him present such a perfect picture of peaceful submission did something really strange to Drifter, in the best possible way.

"There. Couldn't have placed ya better myself." He said, letting the approval come through heavy in his voice. Drifter thought about approaching, kissing the hunter one last time before going away, but the scene was already so perfect and he decided against disturbing it. "Don't you dare move. I'll be back for you, darlin'. Love ya."

And with that, the Lightbearer closed the door, thought a second, then decided to lock it. More for the effect and the sound of it than anything else - A lock wouldn't stop the hunter if he was determined to get out, and was unnecessary if he did as he was told, but still, it felt worth doing.

* * *

The moment the lock clicked and the door was sealed, Shin's heart jumped into his mouth. Which had been the point, he _knew_ it'd been the point, but it _worked_. Sent that rush of panic through him, the stupid fear of being locked away and forgotten. No matter that he could melt his way out if he chose, no matter that Drifter wouldn't leave him there forever. Not unless something happened to him, at least. He wrenched his train of thought away from that dark spiral, fists clenching on his lap. God, imagine if Drifter came back in to see him losing it after _seconds_.

Taking deep, slow breaths, Shin slowly managed to regain a little composure. The dark was helpful in that regard, at least. Kept things quieter in his head, narrowed the world down to the feel of cold beneath and around him, and the creak and rumble of the ship. Be good, he had to be good. Trust that Drifter would come back for him and do as he wished. Carefully, Shin straightened. Forcibly uncurled his fists. Just be good.

* * *

No lingering at the door, C'mon. He was busy today, had plenty to do. Drifter started walking towards the Gambit control room, talking to his Ghost all the while.

Clearly, Shin wasn't getting any work done today, so he'd organise something to keep the kids busy. He wasn't very sure what Shin was setting up, but Cayde sure liked treasure hunts, right? That was easy. Drifter had secret stashes of resources and weapons all over the EDZ anyway, he could spare a bunch and restock sometime soon. His Ghost got instructions to create a few maps for them, set up a bit of a challenge. Maybe drop a taken or two on them, just for fun. He knew he only had to get the word to a few particular hunters, and it would spread quickly. Hopefully Shin wouldn't mind if he faked a letter in his name for it.

Pleased with his improvised plan, Drifter started getting everything ready for the first match of the day in the control room.

* * *

The dark pressed in on him, so complete that it seemed almost brighter with his eyes closed; the slight pressure against his eyelids sending faint waves of red over the black. He inhaled, gazing down at the floor beneath him. It was a far cry from where he'd been before, that heat and frantic motion. Still, empty, with the faintest of currents from the air circulation brushing cold against his face.

Nothing really hurt yet, but he could feel it creeping up on him. Slight fatigue in the joint of his hips, shoulders just a touch stiffer than they'd been when they were lying loose and comfortable against one another. This was going to be painful, and he was going to get through it.

Time passed. Not really clear how long; Shin had never had a good sense of its flow. Probably not long, not with the lack of stimulus in the room. The rhythm of his breathing began to seem a little too loud in his ears, a little off somehow, and he tried not to think about it. Failed. Constant, in the back of his head, every discomfort and stress he experienced was crushed against the impetus to be good. Often enough that the words lost their meaning a little, becoming just the memory of the Drifter. Shin just had to wait like a good boy until he came back, that wasn't so hard. Didn't have to do his job, didn't have to think, didn't have to do anything besides exist and stay still until he was needed again. He could do that.

* * *

He started properly being aware of the current of tribute flowing into him over the course of that first Gambit match. Sweet and thick, it was better than the low-level tithe gambit provided him with, which worked by sheer volume and not quality. It was the deliberate nature of it, Drifter thought, the conquering of another's will to the point they would happily do this for him just because he had asked.

He would have to find a way to properly show his gratitude, that much was clear.

A few hours passed. Gambit was doing well, kids were apparently pretty happy with his little treasure hunt, and Drifter felt good, _powerful_.

* * *

To say that Shin had lost track of time was something of an understatement. It felt as though he had been in the room forever, joints screaming and body numb. Well, somewhat numb. It wasn't quite cold enough for real, permanent damage. Not if Shin kept his fingers moving, kept shivering and shaking against it. But it was cold enough that the action of keeping blood running through him _hurt_, burned whenever he clenched and unclenched his fists and pressed trembling fingers between his thighs for some semblance of warmth.

That was the extent of the movement he allowed himself, having pressed gently in the back of his mind to see if the pull would accept the movement. Maybe the Drifter wanted him frozen, skin dying away, but the slight press of approval from whatever it was lodging in his skull didn't fade as he twitched and trembled in search of heat.

"_Don't you dare move,_" he mouthed silently to himself. He hurt, god did he hurt. Took so much effort not to shift position even a little, keep his points of contact with the ground. He wanted to, though. Hoped desperately that this was doing something for Drifter, that he wouldn't think he wasn't doing what he'd wanted. If it wasn't making tribute, would he think Shin had disappointed him? Not tried hard enough? The idea hurt, just a little.

* * *

After another hour, Drifter contemplated the idea of going back early, before his usual day of work was finished. However, he decided against it. The fact that he was getting such good tribute meant Shin was still doing so well, and he knew his hunter could handle it. The idea made him feel so warm and proud. He so wanted to go back for him and shower him in praise and affection, but he'd do it at the already planned time and no earlier.

He wondered how Shin was feeling right now. Was he still happy with his decision? Or resenting it once he actually experienced the consequences? Oh, he really wanted to hear all about it.

* * *

An indeterminate amount of time later, Shin had slipped so far below the surface of his own thoughts into a sea of cold and hurt that he could no longer see the sun. It didn't really matter though, the hurt of it providing its own form of comfort in the empty darkness. He'd begun matching breaths with the rhythmic noises the Derelict made while idling, blinking in time with the occasional shifts of its engines as they jumped around the system.

He was here, and he was focused, and he wasn't really thinking any more so much as existing in place. He was being good, hurting in the right way, not even trembling any more. Just doing as he'd been told, waiting dimly for Drifter to come back and find him there. Wanted to be perfect when he did, make him so proud.

The engines shifted, a slight thrum running through the floor of the ship, another thrill of pain at even a slight shift in pressure against his abused knees. It registered, but it was so lost in that hazy sea of hurt that it didn't even matter. He was where he belonged.

* * *

Drifter knew he wasn't going to remember a single thing about the last Gambit match of the day, itching as he was to finally be finished here. He basically rushed the players out once it was done, and felt frustrated he had to actually deal with winding everything down for the day, which usually could have left to his Ghost, because it was wrapping up the stuff he'd planned to cover the hunter vanguard duties.

Right, that was all done. Drifter didn't rush, made himself keep a normal pace, and enjoy the last of this wonderful gift of tribute he'd been given. The Lightbearer could feel it buzzing under his skin, strong and crisp, singing with every movement.

Soon, he was in front of that door. Rested his palm against the cold metal, breathed in deep. Delightful. Drifter unlocked it then, opened the door, stepped in silently.

* * *

Light flooded the room as the door swung open, even the dim lighting of the corridor painfully over-bright after hours in the darkness. It didn't make sense to Shin, and he nearly ruined it all by making a noise, flinching back. The shape silhouetted against the doorway saved him though, shadow falling across his face and sparking something in his mind. Staying good, staying still. He redirected his gaze down, unsure as to why his heart was hammering against his chest.

At some point he'd faded a little, stopped knowing exactly what was happening and just focused on stillness. Slipped into something a little less than human, animal in everything besides that control on his position. Waiting. Breathing. He hadn't gotten permission to move yet, and the idea of breaking position without that command howled in him as unthinkable.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer had also wondered how Shin would react once he opened the door. He didn't think he would run out or anything like that, however... This level of stillness and concentration left him quite breathless.

Adoration shining in his eyes, Drifter approached the hunter like one would a rare wild animal, ready for it to get spooked any second. Keeping his voice a low, sweet whisper. "Shin, sweetheart. I'm back." He didn't even touch the man yet, giving him some time to bring himself back from this, slowly.

* * *

Light still hurt, eyes slow in their adjustment, but he dragged them up to look at the Drifter when he moved closer. He was still nothing more than a shadow, back to the doorway and with his night vision ruined the man might as well have been Taken. He still raised his head slowly, face turning to the Drifter's. Kept breathing, stayed otherwise still. He wasn't sure what would happen if he moved, whether he even could now. Perhaps his joints had frozen solid, locked him into place to stay there forever. Probably not, but even the slightest movement was overwhelming at this point.

"Here," he uttered, voice sounding loud in his own ears. Rough in his throat, too _much_ after the quiet. He blinked, closed his mouth again.

* * *

"Good, that's good." He said, as he crouched down to the hunter's level. Keeping the contact very light, Drifter brushed Shin's hair back.

The other hand touched his arm, like something breakable and precious. "I'm here, I said I'd come back for you. God, you were beyond perfect, you know that, darlin'? An absolute dream, you've done so well. Can you try and move for me now, sweetheart?"

He wanted to assess how the man was currently doing before he said or tried anything else. Shin had been so good to him all day long, and now it was Drifter's turn to take care of him.

* * *

Drifter felt warm against his skin. He _never_ felt warm. Shin pressed his cheek just a little into the Drifter's hand. He was there. He'd known he'd come back, he'd promised after all, but actually seeing him now it didn't seem real. He nodded slowly against the pressure, tried to flex numb fingers.

His hand twitched feebly, barely moving in response. Next was his arm, using Drifter as a support to help him move. That, that hurt like burning, and he couldn't help a low noise of pain from escaping. Still so loud, too much. He closed his eyes, trying to limit the number of assaults on his senses.

* * *

It went slow, but Shin did start to try to move a little. Of course, it seemed to hurt, and Drifter frowned just a little, trying to think of the best way to deal with it for the hunter. It was going to hurt no matter what after staying still that long, but he bet the cold really wasn't helping either. There wasn't any proper damage that he could see, but the hunter did feel so icy to the touch.

"You're doing great, just give me a moment." Drifter had to withdraw his touch to take his coat off, this time comfortable, worn brown leather, and gently put it over the man's shoulders, wrapping him in it. "This should help warm you up, make movin' a bit easier in a lil while."

* * *

The heat of it still felt distant, but present. He closed his eyes. Warmth, he was supposed to be warming himself up. So he could move again, was supposed to move. Wasn't he? Yes, he'd been told to, was doing well. It was hard to keep track, go against that rhythm in his head telling him to _don't move, don't move, don't move, don't you dare-_

Shin breathed out, and solar heat curled out in the breath. His fingertips sparked with the barest glimmer of flame before snuffing again, bright heat against the chill of his flesh. A moment later the pain hit. Like burning, like he'd lost control and was boiling the flesh from his bones with his own light and it _hurt_ but his fingers could move and curl in against the burning agony. He wasn't breathing, he realised belatedly. He should do that. Turned his face against the coat, inhaled with a sob.

* * *

"So well, doin' so well." Drifter reassured again, sitting behind him so he could practically wrap himself around the hunter, very gently bringing him in against his chest. "Shh, that's alright, it's all good."

Just a little longer, and then he could probably carry Shin out. The Deep inside him stirred sharply, but curiously, its perception of the hunter had shifted to consider him a source of long-term tribute, instead of insisting on the short term complete and final devouring. That was probably good, kept the chances of Drifter losing control again and taking too much a lot lower. Didn't like the idea that it might create a certain expectation in the worm, though, related to Shin.

* * *

He was shaking, he thought. Body finally realising that it was shutting down as he brought it back, trying desperately to find warmth. Let the Drifter take his weight, dropping to the side instead of remaining perfectly upright. He wasn't screaming, he didn't think, just wheezing high-pitched and animal against tears. Oh, fuck. Cut through the haze a little, pain finally breaking through all the worse for the comfort he'd been given.

All Shin wanted was to curl around himself, scream the pain out until he was mobile again and able to move and breathe like normal. Only even those breaths were too loud, he couldn't hear the engines over them, and the light _hurt_ when he looked at it so all he could do was twist himself into Drifter's arms and block out the light against his chest.

* * *

Shin was shaking, crying into Drifter's chest, and it was heart-breaking, but he knew it was going to be ok. He had to be certain now for the both of them, sure, a rock. Drifter pet the hunter's hair, kept him close as he could, all the while murmuring reassurance and praise. How good he had been, how well he was doing recovering, how glad Drifter was to have him in his arms again.

It hadn't been too much to ask, too quickly, right? Maybe he should have started with something short and sweet to test it? But no. He knew his hunter, he knew Shin wouldn't like it at all if he thought he was going easy on him, that wasn't the point. It had been intense, that was all.

* * *

Took a little while to pull himself together, for limbs to stop screaming in agony and quiet down to a manageable pain that he could at least see and breathe through. Drifter was kind the whole time, stroking and praising him just as he'd hoped. That hurt in its own way, but a good ache. Less intense, slower and burning in him.

He'd done well. He'd done well, he'd done _well_. Shin tried to get his breath under control, still hiccoughing with leftover tears, managed to get his face away from the man's chest. Look up at him, drink in the sight of him lit gently by the corridor. His face expressed that need for reassurance, all fragile hope. That he'd pleased the Drifter, even far away from him.

* * *

When Shin finally looked up at him, he was so beautiful Drifter found himself holding his breath back for a moment. God. Just that hopeful expression, so eager for approval. It made the love in him roar, made him want to give the man anything he ever desired.

"My stunnin' boy. My hunter." Drifter used a thumb to tenderly brush the trails of tears away from Shin's cheeks, then planted a small kiss on his lips. "I could _feel_ you, y'know. All day long. Could feel how wonderful you were being, how hard you were workin' to give me my tribute." Another kiss, to his forehead this time. "I am so, so thankful."

* * *

_Oh_. He closed his eyes, tears threatening to brim up again in sheer overwhelmed gratitude. It had worked. He'd managed it, he'd been useful. Given Drifter everything he could, and he'd gotten it and he'd been worthwhile.

Shin didn't have the energy to chase after those kisses, much though he wanted to. He was still so cold, still trembling through the aftershocks and barely able to cope with even the gentle touches he was granted. It was... Something in him had given up, just a little. Decided that it trusted Drifter to cope with anything else that happened to him; he could space him without his ghost if that was what it took, just as long as he didn't make Shin decide what happened next. He'd used all the willpower he had in the last 8 hours, had nothing left to give.

* * *

"So lovely. I'm going to carry you now, ok? Get you home, so you can get comfortable while I prepare dinner. Does that sound alright?" Bringing the hunter close as he could, Drifter made sure he had a good grip on him before standing up with Shin in his arms, keeping it as stable as possible, with the hunter not having to put any effort at all in. "Wonderful. There we go."

Drifter walked out, let the door to the empty room open behind them, and headed back to living quarters. He moved slow, trying to make it a bit easier for Shin. There was no rush. Drifter would happily care for him all night, if he had to. That amount of quality tribute had left him wide awake anyway, full of energy. Carrying the man now felt easier, his weight barely registering at all.

* * *

Normally being carried would hold some kind of thrill for the hunter. And it was nice, yes, but he was mostly just grateful. The idea of supporting his own weight on joints barely able to hold him together at all was laughable. If asked to he would have done it of course. Crawled on his belly, scraped his nails bloody. But god, he was glad he didn't have to. He'd barely even noticed hunger amongst everything else, but it couldn't be helping with the weakness he felt. Shin just pressed up against Drifter's chest, felt the arms securely wrapped around him, and tried not to start crying all over again.

* * *

When they finally got there, Drifter lowered Shin onto the bedding with extreme gentleness, then wrapped one of the blankets around him, letting him keep the coat as well. Smoothed his hair back, looking down at him with bright eyes, overflowing with affection.

"You've been amazin'. Ya don't need t'worry 'bout a single thing now, darlin'." Drifter said, his drawl always getting more pronounced when his voice was rough with emotion. "I'm gonna take care of everythin'. You just rest, please." He didn't want to leave the man's side, but he really had to get some actual proper food going now.

* * *

Pulling weakly at the blanket around him, wincing at the way it felt against his finger-joints, Shin nodded obediently. Just appreciating the gently press against his fair, the promise that Drifter had everything sorted. Letting himself settle back against the mess of soft materials, he simply watched the other man move. Attentive, letting muscles relax as he lay there.

"Ok," he managed, voice still dry and cracked but pressed out of him by force of want regardless. Felt important that he signal his agreement, let things happen with his approval. Gave control over a little more formally? Thinking in those terms was difficult, Shin still barely able to grasp the concept of possessing that control in the first place. He did, though. That was what made him good when he gave it up.

God, the blankets were so much more comfortable than that cold hard floor. The hunter curled into them, a tiny noise of appreciative pleasure escaping him even as aching meat and bone made themselves known.

* * *

There weren't a lot of ingredients around, definitely nothing fresh, and Drifter kicked himself for the oversight. Should have thought of it before rushing back like a fool, or before asking for the whole thing in the first place. Shin deserved the best meal possible. That was going to have to go on a to-do list, though, the Lightbearer thought as he looked through a crateful of cans.

Alright, he had a couple cans of chili beef. Chopped tomatoes. Several kinds of beans. Garlic, surely, somewhere around. And yeah, rice. This could work, he had cooked decent meals with way less.

* * *

The ghost brushed against the back of Shin's mind, pressing an emotion into him that he wasn't sure he could understand. Tired, worn thin, but complicated in a way that he wasn't sure he could ever unravel. He opened up a little of his own exhaustion and relief and bone-aching satisfaction. The remnants of that soothing _rightness_ that the pull had seeded into him. The ghost didn't seem to like it, or perhaps it just didn't understand. Maybe the feeling that giving tribute produced was just for him and wouldn't make sense.

It did flicker against the deep bruising on his knees and the strained muscles in his ankles and back. Half question, half intent. He got the impression that if he didn't accept the healing he'd be explaining why in detail and given that he was barely thinking words rather than impressions and sensation, he probably wasn't up to the task. Still, it felt wrong to just take away all he'd done and its consequences. With a sigh, the ghost relented a little. Only healed the worst of the damage, kept the aches and some bruising for a while. He got the impression that he'd not so much been forgiven as the ghost was simply glad for any improvement. He sent across pure gratitude, simple and heartfelt. Perhaps it would help some.

With a little less pain eating away at him, Shin could focus in on Drifter's movements. Watch as purpose shifted and he got to working to take care of his property.

* * *

Soon Drifter had something going on his portable electric stove, which had space for two pots. One for the rice, and the other one for the chili. Had to look around for a couple minutes before he could find a wooden spoon to mix it all with, but that was the most difficult step of the whole thing. And hey, it was a hot meal. Drifter knew for a fact they had both eaten way worse.

"Should be ready in about fifteen." He said, still stirring, keeping an eye on it all. "Ain't the height of luxury, but it sure is food." Which was mainly the point, really, getting the hunter to actually eat something.

* * *

Whichever idiot had said ghosts could cure hunger, they'd been lying through their teeth. With his hurts less pressing and the smell of something edible floating through the air, Shin's body was making its distress _known_. His stomach rumbled half-heartedly as it gnawed at him and he curled in a little in hopes of soothing it.

"Food sounds good," he managed, tongue still thick and useless. And god, didn't it. Helped that it was being made for him, something in that care sparking more than just a physical satisfaction.

* * *

Smiling, Drifter looked back at the hunter for a moment. Still curled on himself, which was pretty cute, but taking the initiative to respond in slightly longer sentences now, which was definitely better.

Drifter walked around to find a couple bowls and spoons he could use to serve the food, then seemed to remember something. "Oh, man. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, sweetheart." Water. That was probably a priority, right? The Lightbearer got a bottle and opened it as he walked towards Shin. "Can you sit up for me, darlin'."

* * *

Oh. Oh, yeah, that was probably a part of why it was so hard to think and move. He tried to prop himself up some, arms very much weighed down by the coat and blanket. Managed to struggle into a somewhat upright position, head going light and dizzy as he did so. He blinked, tried to clear his head some and tilted his head up. Opening his mouth ever so slightly, not making any motion to take the bottle. Didn't think his arms would take it anyway, he was having enough trouble just staying upright.

Meant that the bottle was placed against his lips, tilted carefully to let a slow trickle of liquid run down his throat. It was as if his body had suddenly realised how thirsty it was, and he wanted nothing more than to just keep going until he'd drunk the whole thing. Instead, after a few seconds the bottle was tilted away. Giving him time not to choke, to catch breath that suddenly seemed unimportant.

* * *

"There we go. Take it easy, now." Drifter said, in a soothing tone, one hand on the hunter's back to help support him. Over the next few minutes, he helped Shin drink most of the bottle in small sips. "That's it, that's great."

The food had to be nearly done now, so Drifter tried to help Shin position himself into a more stable sitting position, kissed his cheek, and went back to the pots. Felt a little bad about not thinking about the water earlier, really. The Lightbearer had no experience taking care of other people in this level of detail, and had never been very good at taking care of himself properly to begin with, but if he was ever going to ask anything like this of his hunter, he knew he _had_ to get much better.

* * *

Shin curled around himself again once all the water was gone, half against the lingering chill and half because his stomach wasn't thrilled by the influx of not-food. Even if his head ached a little less with it, and he felt less parched, it wasn't sustaining in the same way and it didn't ease the sick biting. The praise though, and the touches... Well, he was easy. He knew he was easy, Drifter had figured him out day one. Didn't stop it feeling good though, particularly when the Lightbearer had said it almost without thinking. Not calculated to mess with Shin's head, just honest and thoughtless. He closed his eyes, wondering if there was something he should be doing. There wasn't, he didn't think. Which was a problem on some levels, but he could be ok with it. Quiet and still, even if it wasn't the same.

* * *

The rice was done, and though the chili could benefit from a longer cooking time, it was good enough. Drifter served two big portions on the bowls, stuck a spoon on each, and grabbed a couple more water bottles. It all ended up being set up on top of a small crate that he moved next to the bedding, so Shin wouldn't have to move or get up at all. Right now, he just wanted to make everything as convenient for him as he could.

"Here it is. Dinner." Drifter sat right next to Shin, trying not to feel nervous about his basic improvised cooking. He grabbed one of the bowls, took a spoonful, blew on it to make sure it wasn't too hot. "Open your mouth for me, darlin'."

* * *

It smelled good. So, so good. It was probably just that it was food, and he was so hungry, but his mouth was watering and he watched attentively as the Drifter came towards him. His hopes were answered as no move was made to hand him any form of eating implement. Instead Drifter simply offered up a mouthful, and Shin gladly opened up with his eyes grateful. Still fixed on Drifter, albeit soft. He closed his lips around the spoon, groaning in appreciation as the taste hit his tongue and he swallowed. God, it really did taste good. Fat and meat and spice went down his throat and he pulled away from the now clean implement, eager for more.

* * *

Oh but wasn't that just the loveliest sight, Shin enjoying and grateful for something Drifter had made specially for him, so accepting of his care. Really made a man feel ridiculously warm inside. Important, somehow, in a way so different to anything else. He fed his hunter a few more spoonfuls, and had him drink some water, praising him with every one of them, kissing his cheek, his temple, tucking his hair behind his ear, brushing it back from his forehead, casual gentle fuss that seemed to be spilling out of the Drifter as naturally as breathing right now.

* * *

Shin let himself bask in that attention, trying with every line of him and every breath to express his gratitude and appreciation. The food was good, hot and filling, but it was secondary to the care Drifter was showing. After being alone for so long, thinking of him, this amount of focused attention was enough that he couldn't think about anything else.

Gentle touches, feeding him mouthful by mouthful, kisses against his skin. Shin closed his eyes, tears welling up for some bewildering reason. He smiled through them though, as best he couldn't. Wanted to show that it wasn't bad, it was just a lot so quickly. "Thank you," he murmured after one mouthful.

* * *

Drifter put an arm around the man's waist, bringing him closer, trying to be reassuring through that closeness. "Thank you. You're being wonderful." The Lightbearer smiled back. "Just a little bit left."

A few more spoonfuls, and Shin had finished the whole thing. Drifter told him well done, kissed his forehead. Gave him a little more water. And only when he had judged Shin was sufficiently attended to, did he then turn to get his own bowl, eating with one arm still around the hunter, stroking his side, his attention still very much on Shin. As usual, he finished it fast, and didn't waste any time before pulling the smaller man in for a hug.

* * *

He waited patiently, slow blinking, enjoying the full warmth of being fed and held. Letting himself melt into those caresses, safe in Drifter's presence and cared for above all. The warmth in his chest bubbled and churned, professions of love constantly on his tongue. He didn't think he needed to say them out loud, though; it had to be written plain across him, surely? Felt like it seeped from every pore, into Drifter's skin as he pressed close. Just in case though, he murmured it into his chest like a prayer. Maybe too quiet to even hear, but still present and known.

* * *

A sigh as Drifter rested his chin on top of Shin's head, happy and content. As long as he had the hunter in his arms, knew he was well cared for and safe, everything felt so _right_.

He could feel the man breathing against his chest, maybe murmuring something, but Drifter trusted that if it was something he was meant to know, Shin would tell him again clearly when he could. Now, nothing could matter as much as letting the hunter take things at his own pace, not push him too much.

"I took care of the hunter vanguard duties for the day." Drifter said softly, realising Shin might have been worried about it. He wouldn't let his hunter get in any trouble, of course.

* * *

Shin looked up, still curled in against Drifter, cheek and stubble scraping against the hollow of his throat as he moved. The words took a moment to percolate down. Yes. Yes, he'd been worried at one point. Wondered if he'd have to explain to someone, or if Drifter would take care of it like he did everything else. Stupid of him, of course. Drifter took care of everything, far as he could tell.

"What'd you do?" He asked, mildly curious. He hadn't been at his post, and Drifter sure are hell was no Shin Malphur lookalike.

* * *

Looking at the hunter, he couldn't help but smile, wondering what he'd think of his little plan. "I set up a bit of a treasure hunt, more or less. Ghost did most of the actual work while I ran gambit, but yeah. Used some emergency stashes I've got 'round the EDZ, decent enough loot."

As long as they had clear instructions and got a weapon or a handful of glimmer at the end, guardians seemed happy to do pretty much anything. Make it into a bit more of a game, and they were all over it. "Kids seemed to be happy enough with it. Did have to forge a letter in your name, though."

* * *

That got a little laugh out of him. Damn. Scavenger hunt. One thing he'd been avoiding doing, stubborn as hell since the first kid turned up demanding a treasure map of all things. Made sense though, he'd gotten question after question about them. Hadn't wanted to step on a dead man's toes, he'd reasoned. Or maybe just hadn't wanted to dash around the system hiding treasure chests of all things.

Drifter had done something smart, went for a known pleaser. It was Shin's own fault that he'd decided against it, so no harm done. Hell, might have to run one of his own sometime. The hunter just nodded, closed his eyes. "Long and pretentious, I assume?" He joked, still a little blurry round the edges, and leaned into the grip a little closer. Letting Drifter take his weight, secure in the knowledge that things were ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Take it or leave it, and for the most part you take it._  
_Not just the idea of it but the ramifications of it."_  
\- Richard Siken


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exams and family are both - metaphorically - kicking my ass so here is an update and yet another promise that I’ll at least try to make them more frequent. There’s still a lot to get up, don’t worry.

The guardians seemed relieved when Shin was in his usual place that day. Couldn't blame them, really. Seizure or something similar one day, barely present the next even if he'd been _physically_ there, then entirely gone the last. Wasn't the most reassuring picture for an authority figure to be presenting, he had to admit. At least when he turned up with a couple of actual new guns for them to work towards - having finished and fabricated a number in the time he hadn't spent sleeping and recovering in Drifter's arms - it seemed to settle them. Part of it might have just been that he seemed alert and coherent, rather than an empty suit of armour making vague gestures towards responsibility.

The other vanguard were leaving well enough alone for now, which was a surprise in itself; maybe Drifter had dropped them a line, provided some excuse. Maybe Ikora just already knew somehow. Could be they were trying to lull him into a false sense of security before throwing him in jail, that could be fun. Whatever the reason, he'd take the time to get ready and sort himself out a little over the course of the day. The hunter spent most of it aching just a little, the constant reminder bringing him a peace as he fielded questions and demands.

Still, when he was finished for the day, he hesitated before transmatting back to the Derelict. Not that he didn't want to go back, of course not. Just that he wasn't quite sure what his place was there. Wasn't entirely certain how things were going to change. He knew that it was where he was meant to be - just wasn't always clear in what capacity. And he was thinking a little clearer today, so why not spend some of that brainpower working on the problem.

After a few moments thought, tugging at the ring around his neck, Shin made a decision. Stopped by one of the shops in the city before leaving for the Derelict. Might as well return some of the care he'd been given, right? So. Food. He could make food.

* * *

It was a normal enough day, most of which Drifter spent in the annex, doing admin, dealing with guardians, and spending any downtime thinking about Shin Malphur.

God, you'd think Drifter would have reached the cap for how much time and brainpower you could dedicate to thinking and worrying about any other one person years ago, but it didn't seem to be the case. Just in a different way these days. And wasn't that just something, huh. Hard to fully believe it was real, except from time to time Drifter could touch the ring around his neck, brush his thumb over the smooth surface, before hiding it under his robes once more.

He finished for the day a little later than usual, having to deal with a fireteam that had apparently decided to come all together as late as possible, and finally transmatted himself up to the Derelict once they were gone.

On the corridor, soon as he arrived, he could already smell food. Surprised, but pleasantly so, he made his way into the living quarters. "Well, hey there. What's goin' on here then?"

* * *

Shin had decided to go for something relatively simple, with as few things happening at once as possible. Stir fry, simple enough. Cut things up, one big pan, add them in the right order and don't stop stirring until everything's finished. Simple enough in theory, and to his credit he managed to nail most of the timings well enough. He'd just added the last few ingredients, letting them brown a little before adding the sauce, when he heard footsteps. Good, that was good. He’d been worried somewhat about the timing once Drifter hadn't shown up to meet him. Was nice to have things laid out and waiting for him though, felt good. Like he was caring right. Being useful.

"Think it's my turn to cook," he replied, still carefully stirring the food to stop anything sticking. It smelled pretty decent, honestly. Not bad considering most of his experience was in cold rations or of the 'put food on fire, remove when digestible' variety. He turned to look at Drifter, a small smile on his face as he worked. "Nearly done, you got good timing."

* * *

Aw, hell. That was sweet, and Drifter couldn't help the grin that spread on his face. It was good seeing Shin getting a little more confident moving around the Derelict, taking the initiative and doing his thing, too. The whole scene was... just nice, domestic, made him feel like he had properly gotten home.

Drifter walked towards the other man and settled himself behind Shin with hands grabbing at the hunter's hips, leaning down a little to kiss his neck lightly. "Hmm. Sure smells real nice"

* * *

It was funny, because he'd been expecting it from the moment he saw Drifter getting closer, turning back to look at the food and waiting with that smile widening a little. Still, when the Drifter penned him in and took ahold of him gentle as could be, Shin nearly burned himself on the pan. He flushed a little, carefully turning down the heat to let the contents simmer a little longer. Let out a sigh at the kiss.

"Glad to hear it," he murmured, a little quieter now they were both close. "Just hope it tastes alright too." It should, right? Admittedly he wasn't exactly sure how it was supposed to taste when food wasn't from a takeout place, but the recipe he'd managed to search up had looked similar. Better presented, sure, but nothing looked terribly different from what he had here. He leaned back a little, keeping his hands moving.

* * *

Felt nice, finally being close like this again. Drifter didn't think he could say he had spent all day missing his hunter, but suspected it must seem obvious enough, and that was ok. He nuzzled at the soft skin of the neck, pressed a small kiss into Shin's jawline.

Another kiss brought his mouth closer to the hunter's ear. "I'm sure it'll taste wonderful, darlin'." Drifter would eat the whole thing even if it was horrible, of course, but just from the smell alone he very much doubted that could be the case.

* * *

Hmm. Drifter seemed eager, glad to see him at least. That was gratifying, the soft gestures even more so. He fumbled the spoon he'd been stirring with, nearly dropping it as he brushed against a more sensitive patch of skin. Biting down on his lip, Shin exhaled slow and careful. Pulled the pan off the heat, turned it off and leaned to the left to snag the bowls he'd left there. The movement pulled against the hands on his hips, just a little difficulty to send a thrill through him.

It was easy enough to serve the food out. More for Drifter, who was always hungrier than Shin regardless. He tilted his head to the side, leaned back ever so slightly so that his cheek rubbed against Drifter's hair. "Dinner's ready," he said, a little unnecessarily.

* * *

It was pretty delightful to see Shin trying to get everything ready, not be overtly distracted, and still letting Drifter hold onto him. He almost didn't want it to end, but to be fair, he was kinda starving.

"Thank you so much." He gave him a quick hug around the waist and a kiss on the cheek, before finally stepping away from the man to get both the bowls and bring them to the table, sitting in front of one of them. "Your day go alright?"

He sounded perfectly casual, but Drifter would be lying if he said he hadn't been at least a little worried about how Shin would cope, and how the kids would behave.

* * *

There was that usual pang of loss as Drifter moved away and Shin was left a little colder. The food smelled good though, and he was hungry. So, no harm done, and he moved to sit across from Drifter. Let his legs tangle against the Lightbearer's, tilt his head to one side and inhale the scent of good food.

"Think the kids missed me," he replied. "Worry easy, don't they?" He speared a mouthful of food, vegetables and meat with sauce. It tasted good, sweet and salty. Not burned, cooked well enough with a little crunch left. Couldn't keep the smile from his face. "They're uh. Sweet, I guess. Liked the guns anyway."

* * *

With his legs tangling with his own, Drifter was distracted for a moment, smiling, and took a second to process what he had heard. "Ah. Yeah, I guess." He said, taking his fork. "They actually quite like ya, I think. Been hearin' lots of positive chatter lately."

It helped that a lot of the guardians had had a chance now to see Shin as a little less of a legend and a little more of an actual person, existing day to day around the Tower, like any of their other mentors.

He took a mouthful of the food, gave himself a moment to taste it, slower than he'd usually eat. Damn, that was good. Drifter visibly enjoyed it, ate another bite, smiled. "Shin Malphur, legendary hero, still full of surprises. Didn't know y'were such a good cook."

* * *

Hmm. That shouldn't perk him up quite so much, but he guessed that was what he got for getting invested in a thing. Even if it was just looking after a bunch of powered up children. "Not sure how to feel about that," he hedged, taking another's bite. "Seein’ a couple improvements at least though." He ever trained one up good enough to kill the pair of them, he was gonna retire and make all this shit that kid's problem. Serve 'em right.

The compliment and the look on Drifter's face did a lot more than hearing second hand about the kids had done though. He'd _thought_ he'd done well, had really hoped, but it was different knowing he'd made someone else enjoy themselves. Easy to cook for yourself, but there was real anxiety subjecting someone important to his dubious skills. "Mighta had to look it up," he admitted with a wry smile. "Followed some instructions _real_ close." Had thought about nothing else for near on half an hour was more like it, but no need to give that away without good reason.

* * *

Giving him a half smile and a look with slightly raised eyebrows, Drifter nodded, took another bite. "That explains it. You're _very_ good at following instructions." And wasn't that lucky for both of them, really.

The Lightbearer kept eating, basically having to force himself not to shovel the food directly into his mouth and be done in a minute. Shin had done something nice, and he was damn well going to enjoy it.

* * *

Who in the hell had told him he could say that while Shin was being _perfectly_ sensible and trying to eat his meal? He flushed, ducking his head a little. He could take the compliment though, at least. Did remind him of the previous night. From a little more distance, maybe it was a little worrying that he'd been so happy to do that. Then again, it hadn't been... Well, it had hurt. Of course it had hurt. Agony, really. But by the end he'd been so fucking calm and felt the weirdest levels of good feeling. And after, feeling for maybe the first time that he'd thoroughly earned everything he was getting? That had been good too.

He didn't have a good response to that, since all that wanted to trip off the end of his tongue was a "thank you," so he kept quiet and knocked his knee against Drifter's own. Kept eating, nearly finished with his meal.

* * *

Drifter just chuckled, went back to his meal. For once, he finished it after Shin did. "Thank you, that was really good." A small smile. "I do owe you a proper dinner, though. Not somethin' outta some cans."

He moved his leg just to feel it properly pressing against the other man's. Maybe he'd go to the market one of these days, get a nice cut of meat, the best stuff he could find. Fresh vegetables, a nice dessert. Maybe he could even organise to serve it to him somewhere other than the Derelict, a nice place, discreet.

* * *

"Sounds nice." It did, really. This had been fun, rewarding. So was coming home to a cooked meal though. He. Well, he hadn't experienced that since Palamon really. Not properly. Felt strange, being on the cusp of something you could call family again, one where he was actually being honest about things. "Last night was good though. Good food too. So, thank you again." He looked down at his empty plate.

"I've been thinking, over the day. 'Bout figuring out what's goin’ on in here." He tapped his forehead. "Got uh, a few ideas. But they could use help, if you're ok with being that for me. Making sure I'm safe to be around." He shrugged a little, anxious.

* * *

"Glad y'think so." It was good to hear, and not only about the food. Drifter hadn't done too badly then, and Shin didn't seem to have any big regrets that he could see. So that was nice. Had been worrying him just a little bit.

He thought about asking, just to make sure, but then Shin started talking and Drifter just decided to listen. He nodded immediately, not needing to hear any of the details to be on board. "Of course, Shin. Anythin' I can help with, you know that." The hunter did look anxious now, and Drifter got up to get to his side without thinking about it, hand brushing his cheek in reassurance. "Wanna tell me a bit more about it?"

* * *

It was... Well, it was good that Drifter was happy to help. Hadn't really ever thought he wouldn't be, it was just the nature of the thing. And, well, the fact that he couldn't be trusted by himself. It was fact, he knew that. He wasn't trustworthy, however much it hurt to think it. Just a corrupted mess of dark and others' wills and little threads pulling him this way and that without him ever noticing just to watch him _dance_. He bit his lip, cleared those thoughts away a little. No point in dwelling.

"It's not super solid," he admitted easily enough, pressing his cheek into Drifter's hand and looking up at him. "It's just... I only have difficulties when I'm running low, if that makes sense. Or if I'm running too hot on it. Thinking back, anyway. It's always been after something major, you know? So things that are smaller might be safer. See if I can tell before I do something, buy me a little time." To get Drifter, probably. Or eat a bullet.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer could feel his gaze soften when it met Shin's eyes, tried hard not to show any of the lowkey worry that creeped up to him any time that he stopped to seriously consider this topic. They could find a way to deal with it, together. This could be a good start for that.

"I think that makes sense, yeah. We can definitely do that." Drifter leaned down to kiss Shin's hair, staying close and shutting his eyes for just a moment as he spoke next, before straightening back up. "You got any specific ideas, love? What can I do?"

* * *

There was a tension in Drifter, in the line of his body and the press oh his hand against Shin's skin. Something coiled up behind the eyes that Shin wanted to curl his fingers around and pull ‘til it loosened. Hopefully this would help with that. Make Shin safer, less of a problem to the two of them.

He tilted his chin up, following the movement as Drifter drew away. "Thought I could just. Deplete myself a lil," he reached inside his chest, felt the shard burning behind his breast. Distantly felt the ghost and gun, the threads between them pulling slightly more taught. "And take a little back outta you when it gets bad, if you're ok with it." He looked up, bit his lip just a little. "And then I can give back like yesterday to make it up?" It hadn't made the shard burn, which meant it was safe.

* * *

"Yeah. I'd like to see if we can make that work." It was a lot more to balance, a back and forth that his Worm was not going to like at all, but Drifter was prepared to deal with that. As long as there was a possibility it helped Shin, that was worth it. He'd try pretty much anything, if the man asked.

And well, sure. It'd be disingenuous to say the idea of doing something like what they'd done yesterday again sometime wasn't pretty goddamn exciting. A man had his weaknesses. Not the main consideration at all, but not bad as a bonus.

* * *

"Ok," Shin replied, eyes still fixed on Drifter. Then, quieter this time, almost to himself: "ok." Slowly, he reached inside himself and pulled the thread of dark from where it lay slumbering. It wrapped around him, eager, braced him against the world. Took that softness he'd been feeling, the warm glow in his chest as he looked at Drifter and replaced it with a tighter focus. He could make Drifter happy so easily like this, he knew. Without even trying. Take whatever punishment he wanted to mete out, tease him apart and make him beg for their mouth on him, their fingers against his skin. Do what they'd done yesterday without even hurting at all. He swallowed, throat tight, and thought through it. That wasn't what he wanted though, was it? It wasn't being good if it wasn't difficult. Drifter liked him weaker and softer in those times they had the luxury to be, probably _because_ he could be like this instead.

With an effort he stayed seated. Didn't do anything, achieved no goal, didn't even move. Just looked up at Drifter, reaching out to slip his hand into the other man's, and evaluated. What he could feel, how he felt it. How things had changed, who was there in there with him. Darkness stirred at the base of his skull, unhappy with the lack of drive. He pressed it down, bled a little more power out to dissipate uselessly. Felt the need to move grow.

"Think it's workin'," he said, a little breathless with it. His hand was closed around the Drifter's, grip stronger than might be comfortable. "This what it feels like for you? Like you could rip a star outta the sky?" With a little work, at least. And a plan.

* * *

Even when he knew it was deliberate and, hopefully, controlled, Drifter couldn't help being a little on edge, same as every other time he could feel that shift in the hunter. The Deep he kept inside himself tried to rise up in full force before he bit back at it, kept it contained. Wasn't the time, wasn't an actual real threat. Drifter was still strong with tribute, and controlling it wasn't a real struggle.

It wasn't exactly like Shin was someone else, just like... There was something other in him, not just a Deep, but something alive that was a part of someone else. No wonder he had trouble dealing with it sometimes.

He kept his eyes on Shin's, fierce affection on them, and held his hand through it, no matter how tight that hold became. "That's good, sweetheart. You're doin’ really good." Drifter reassured him. At his next words, he smiled a little. "Can be kinda like that, sure. Feels like ya might just be able to do anythin'."

* * *

Shin nodded, a little too fervently. His skin felt too small for him, like it'd split open at any moment from the pressure of light and dark coiling together without mixing. Like oil and water. The claws sunk a little deeper into him at the compliment, insisting that it could do better. That Shin could be so much better if he just let it happen, let something that knew _better_ lead.

He closed his eyes, made a note. Competition. Drive. Hunger. Couldn't Yor have picked things that weren't in line with Shin's own intimate flaws? He loosened his grip consciously, carefully. The shard sang out its displeasure, its desire to crush beneath his hands whatever was foolish enough to allow his touch. Drifter would like it, he knew he would. Hate it a little, but when Shin and Thorn were in tune they could do whatever they wanted to the man and he'd beg them for it even as he bled.

Not the time. It was a little hurtful, how the dark kept those thoughts running through him. He remembered when they'd revolted him, before he learned to accept it. Now though, his body reacted in a way it had learned and he sighed. Left well alone. A little more power bleed, just enough to make it snarl. He'd press it into Drifter, but he knew the balance he kept was careful. Even his agreement to this would be thought through. If Shin started trying to pre-empt, he could ruin everything.

"Might have a lot in common with Yor," he admitted, thumb stuttering against Drifter's palm. Something secret and shameful and _his_ for Drifter to keep safe. Only gift he could offer right now.

* * *

Drifter's first instinct when Shin loosened the hold on his hand was to chase it, get that pressure back, but he stopped himself. Trusted Shin knew what he was doing and what he needed right now. All he had to do was go along with it.

What he said, though... Drifter didn't know enough about Yor as anything but the black and white figure of legend, and he knew enough about those to think they were bullshit most of the time, so it didn't mean that much to him. Was clearly important to Shin, though, and that was enough. "I'd be willing to bet so do I. It's what's different that's more important, darlin'. Yor was alone, when he lost himself. You've got me." A small smile, hopefully a reassurance. "You'll always have me."

* * *

The current ran thicker now, hot and black beneath his tongue. He licked cracked lips, thumb stopping in place as that burning coursed through him. More hunger, focus so sharp that he could barely think through it. It didn't like being looked at so closely, didn't Iike the eyes on it. Shin wished that Drifter could crack open his skull and drink it out of him, taste what it was in him as he devoured them both.

And then Shin would burn him to crumbling ash so that the last shred of knowledge would be lost and the whispers would _stop_.

He swallowed, opened his eyes. "I think I need to go back to normal for a bit," he said, voice strained and echoing against the room. The claws shredded against his hindbrain, furious that he'd just give up like a coward, and for the first time Shin noticed them. Reached out a little in his head, formless and obscured as everything was. It lashed out, and Shin flinched slightly at the hurt. Held out a hand to Drifter, let him take them both. Waiting for permission to tug that cold out of him and bury it back down.

* * *

"That's ok. You've done so good already, and I'm so proud." Drifter said, calmly, taking the hunter's hands and leaning down enough to kiss them. Keeping it that much under control after calling it purposefully was a good step forward. This was going well so far.

It was the best opportunity Drifter had had to observe this without being actively hurt by it, and the power, the rate at which it had grown, well, it really was something else. Easier to see how it could make him lose control the way it had last time. It made tension and fear mix in his stomach, following a wavelength surpassing rational thought.

* * *

He tried to keep it light, the pull against Drifter's cold. Efficient, as best he could. It didn't care for quality though, only quantity. Funny, how Drifter's mingled far more freely with the light of him. Mixed and blended beneath his skin, the one muddying the other. Felt better than his, more _right_. Not something bolted on and unnatural, like he was meant to be this powerful. The cool pressed in on him, the clawing thing growing sluggish and pained as he drew. It liked it, as much as it could like anything. Liked taking that cold for his own, rendering it his and powerless. Almost fooled it into not complaining as he pressed it back into its pen.

It was easier, though he couldn't have put a time on it. Just waited for things to quieten at last, of for Drifter to stop giving. Eventually, he moved Drifter's hands to bracket his face. Breathed out a curl of frost, oh so grateful. Felt calmer and more alone in his head than ever. Fuzzier, less desperate. Weak.

He smiled a little. "Thank you," Shin murmured.

* * *

The cold didn't like being contained into a human form. It wanted to expand and dominate the space around them, freeze the hunter in place, grow spiralling daggers of ice right into soft warm skin. It all was a flash in Drifter's head, as he allowed it just a trickle to escape through, no more than Shin was asking of him, the main bulk of it safely held back in himself. It was a new, strange thing they had been building between the two of them for a while now, Dark shared, surrendered freely. Maybe it'd be their downfall, maybe it'd be the key to it all. Seemed worth the risk.

"You're more than welcome. It was already yours." Drifter said, taking Shin's face in his hands, gently, lovingly brushing the skin with a thumb, drinking in that little smile. He had felt the shift again, much slower in this direction, but just as strong.

* * *

Shin just breathed for a little while, Matching Drifter's, staying slow and calm and appreciative. Turned his head to press a kiss against his left palm, enjoy the feel of skin against his. And then it was time to try again, focus once more on control.

The dark came harsher this time, fed by the power he'd taken but coarse and jagged. Like it hadn't quite settled the strength inside it and was furious to be pulled out again if he wasn't going to _act_. It hurt a bit more, cloaking himself in that burning heat and feeling hands pressed against his back. The focus shifted with an idle thought, redirecting as it started to think with increasing fervour about the task he had come here for. They should burn them, he decided quietly. Pin them down and fire point blank against them over and over until the remains were charred and gone. The gentle press of one hand grounded him though, and he thought about the guardians he'd seen that day. Their movements, mannerisms. Their care.

The urge to immolate didn't fade, exactly. But once identified as alien, it slunk away. Back into the thing hiding behind those claws.

The pull of light was even more careful this time. Breath coming a little harder, a slow press and bury of the heat in his gut ‘til it was so cold in him that Drifter felt warm again. God, he'd do anything for this. He'd die happily.

* * *

The next shift felt harsher, which have been to be expected, but it still made Drifter held his breath, for just a moment. Somehow he could feel the Dark in Shin swirling, restless, agitated, and he tried to press his hand a little just to communicate he was still here, he still had Shin, and it was going to be ok. His hunter was stronger than any of this.

The Lightbearer kept breathing steady and deep, letting Shin take what he needed. Harder, slower, but it still seemed to work. "That's it. God, I'm so proud of you." Drifter said fervently, almost in a whisper.

* * *

Buoyed by the praise and touch though he was, the last attempt _hurt_. It was like it knew what he was doing and wanted to make him suffer for it. Still granted him that power, of course. Leant him that unholy strength and emptied mind, the clarity of purpose needed to accomplish any task. It also ripped through him like knives, and the directive it gave was more of a scream than any real guidance. Just the need to _do_, to burn down the world instead of sitting there and consuming himself. The effort it took to keep from digging teeth into Drifter's hand, to not simply break his wrist... He shuddered.

He didn't know how long he stayed like that, just wrestling with himself. Trying to separate the need from himself, tell himself that it wasn't _him_ who wanted to make the man hurt, and be believed. It felt like it lasted hours. Could've been minutes. Probably _was_ minutes, Drifter didn't look too uncomfortable when he finally looked up and _took_ with as much care as he could muster. It wasn't gentle, too much need for that, but he whispered apologies and thanks and kept his grip light enough to break with ease as the strength faded.

* * *

There was such a tension, such a fight in the hunter, that it made Drifter hurt, made him wish he could do more than this for him. Take care of it like he could do with so much else, so Shin didn't even have to worry, didn't even have to think about it. His role of passive help here felt almost like a failure.

That wasn't helpful right now, though. He could spend as much time as he wanted thinking about that later. Now, he had to concentrate in controlling the flow of power, the cold pushing his way out, keeping it stable and just strong enough against that need that might just have pushed him way too far in worse circumstances. But it was ok, he was going to make it ok. "It's alright, it's all good. Do what you need, sweetheart."

* * *

Shin sagged, weak despite being at a perfectly sustainable level of power. He could probably still take on any number of guardians like this, burn his way through a city. Mentally though, he was spent. The beginnings of a headache beginning to pool behind his right eye socket, thoughts just a little slow to connect together.

"I'm done." Pressing a kiss to Drifter's palm, he attempted to stand. His head spun, and he had to lean heavily against the other man for support. Fingers crumpled the fabric of his coat, and he didn't even bother trying to support his own weight entirely. Knew Drifter could help him with it, strong and sure. "Love you."

Didn't feel as ground-breaking as the previous times he'd said it. More a quiet assurance, an affirmation.

* * *

The Lightbearer was already watching him closely as the man tried to get up, so he was able to catch Shin as soon as the man started to lean into him. Drifter wrapped his arms around the hunter, supporting his weight and keeping him close. Breathed out a shaky sigh at the _'love you'_, then couldn't help smiling, probably looking like a fool. He was never going to get used to that. Somehow, the casual way he'd said it made it hit just that bit harder.

"Love you so much, darlin'." He murmured, kissing his forehead.

* * *

He nodded against Drifter's chest, inhaling slowly. Straightened carefully, eyes flicking up to give as much devotion as he could muster. God. He'd die without this, have killed and killed until he was put down like the animal he was.

The press of lips against his forehead as always felt like benediction. A gift, granted to him, and tired and hurting as he was a single impulse pressed its way past tattered will. He sank to one knee, face upturned.

* * *

Those dark eyes, god, Drifter could lose himself in them and never find his way back. The way the hunter looked at him was dangerous. It was raw and honest and it made Drifter's chest hurt with an all-encompassing kind of love he could barely comprehend.

The deliberate way the hunter went down was unexpected, and meant Drifter didn't catch him like he might have otherwise, if there had been any hesitation in the movement. As it was, he just kept looking down into the man's eyes, a hand gently touching his cheek, holding his breath for a moment. "Darlin'?"

* * *

Why, precisely, his body had demanded this? Well, that he couldn't say. It felt right though, like he belonged here. Supplicant, bowed before a greater power. None of it made sense, not when he thought hard about it. They were both simply men, playing with dark forces that bit at them. Like this, though, it was its own version of the confidence Thorn had given him. Only instead of that fierce, bitter strength that could tear down mountains, it was calm. Solid, implacable.

_For you,_ it said, simple and reverent, _I would rend apart the stars, or die trying._ His mouth stayed closed though, the sentiment not passing his lips. That was fine. It wasn't time yet. Instead he tilted his head into the palm touching his cheek, gaze soft and touched with melancholy. Instead, he managed the barest hint of a smile, otherwise all calm acceptance. "Yours," he said quietly, sure. "For as long as you'll have me." Brought up one hand to the ring around his neck, ran his finger around the smooth inside of the metal band.

* * *

There was something happening here that went beyond what could be rationally understood, that spoke to the core of him, and felt Right in a way nothing else ever had. Unspoken and extraordinary.

He didn't know how to respond to a look he could barely interpret, simply pressing lightly against the warmth of flesh against his palm, until those next words made his blood roar, his free hand grabbing at his hunter's shoulder firmly. "Mine." He affirmed, with easy, serious conviction. "Always, and forever."

* * *

Shin could stay here forever, he thought blissfully. In this one moment, belonging wholly to another in the understanding that they would fight and die as one breath, one being. Knowing that his will was kept and cherished, utterly irrelevant to the path he would take but cared for nonetheless as a valued possession. As he was.

Head lowering, eyes closing, a part of him readied for a killing blow as he completed the submission. He wouldn't mind, not really. Not if Drifter thought it best, wanted him bleeding then cold at his feet. Taking the hand in the gentlest of grips, almost as though it would break at his touch, he flipped it. Pressed a kiss against the knuckles, eyes still averted, and waited for his fate to be determined.

* * *

He let Shin take his hand, closed his eyes as he felt the kiss on it, like a promise. Drifter might have claimed the hunter, but it was Shin that chose to accept and reaffirm that claim, he realised.

His eyes filled with tears, and he blinked against them, a bit shaky, taking in a ragged breath. It was an overwhelming gift and responsibility and god, he'd do anything, anything at all to prove he was worthy of it. "Stand. Please." He managed to say. He wanted to hug the man and kiss him and feel him so close, only thing stopping him the fear of being too harsh in his eagerness.

* * *

Not today, then. He rose to his feet, kept the hand in his as he did so. Pressed another kiss to it, this one not of breathless loyalty but of simpler affection. Another, and he couldn’t help but smile slow against the back of his hand. Drifter was so much, so heavy a weight around his shoulders that he could never throw him off. Closed tight about his neck, his wrists, grounding in his solidity.

“Mine,” he murmured against that skin, meaning more than ownership. Or less. Meaning connection, belonging, choice. Drifter felt as though he was his in the same way his voice or bone was his; a part of him, an indivisible element of the whole.

* * *

The gentle, casual affection in these gestures helped settle the eager restlessness the Rogue Lightbearer had felt, and he just sighed pleasantly, content, leaning into the other man until their foreheads were touching.

He found himself without words, barely managing any thoughts, really. Just that warm current of certainty and feeling going through and over him, filling his mouth, his throat, his lungs. "Kiss me." Drifter asked, in a little breathless whisper.

* * *

It came easy to obey, to tilt his chin up and angle himself right so that he could press slow and sure against Drifter’s mouth. Still turning the ring against his finger, thumb still tracing the shadow of bones beneath the skin of the Lightbearer’s hand, he kissed as gentle as he could. Insistent, deliberate.

Shin closed his eyes, letting his mouth slip open just a little further. Anything he asked of him, he’d do. That constant yearning, to make the other happy, rippled through him like an undercurrent. He wanted to provide to him that warm feeling of safety and satisfaction that he gave Shin just by being there. What he wanted, though, hardly mattered at all. Simply subsumed entirely beneath the knowledge that he was Drifter’s to command.

* * *

He kissed the hunter back soft and gentle, tiredness making itself known through his body. Drifter closed his eyes and just let himself get lost in it for a moment. Same as with anything else he asked of Shin, the man gave it such a sincere, immediate effort that it made the Lightbearer lightheaded with gratitude.

God, but he needed some rest as well. Sleeping was a complicated idea right now, though, to say the least. He'd seen too much of Shin suffering because the Nine decided to stick their creepy tendrils through both their brains. That needed handling, somehow. Drifter didn't know what could be done about it, but much to his displeasure, he knew someone who might.

He kissed Shin harder for a moment, before stopping to talk, still so close. "I think I need to go into the Haul soon." A pause, like he didn't really want to say what came next. "I think I need to talk to the Emissary."

* * *

He kissed Drifter until he couldn't any longer; then he stayed in place, eyes closed and lips parted. He hated to be separated from the other so soon, had enjoyed this small calm space they'd carved for themselves. The meal and warmth, in isolation against the howling night and cold. Drifter didn't sound too keen on the idea either, and Shin had the thought that if he asked, Drifter would stay with him here. Caress him, hold him close. It was that which allowed him to let go, open his eyes.

"'M sorry," he said after a moment, meaning it. If this was the Nine then it was for Shin that he was doing this. To keep him from scaring the kids any further, or waking screaming in response to things that Drifter had no problem handling. He nuzzled at Drifter's jawline, his thanks as best he could give it. "Would you like me to wait for you here?"

* * *

"Ain't your fault." He said, sincere. If anything, it was Drifter's, for not considering the possibility that this whole thing could affect Shin as they started to get closer, not having a plan to deal with it beforehand. If anyone should be sorry, it was him. Or the Nine. He'd sure make 'em sorry if there wasn't a way to make this better for Shin.

The Lightbearer considered the hunter's next words for a moment, a kind of sadness passing over his face. What did he want? He wanted his dealings with the Nine not to be so necessary, he wanted to never have to see again the twisted corpse of his old friend turned into a mouthpiece for interdimensional powers, instead of having to go seek it out. He wanted to keep Shin by his side. What he wanted wasn't very relevant right now. He sighed, nodding a little. "Stay. I'll take care of it."

* * *

It took an effort to say the next words, the ever-present pull towards passivity and acceptance leaving his mouth a little numb. This wasn't right though, he didn't think. And he didn't want to leave it there. There was more to being good than simply doing as he was told, he remembered that from before. Drifter wanted all of him, not just his obedience but his mind and will too and that meant using them in his service.

"I want to help," he pressed, moving one hand to rest against Drifter's arm. "However I can." Drifter didn't have to do these things alone, not now. He was involved, after all, if not on the same level as the other was. And if he could help, he wanted to. Even if it was just to soothe the hurts afterwards, or to give whatever tribute he could.

* * *

That made Drifter hesitate, muscles relaxing a little under the other man's touch. Could he bring him along? Would that be selfish? His instinct was to keep Shin away from the Haul to protect him, but maybe he deserved to have a part in something that might affect him. It was all so hard to balance.

"What I want," He started, cleared his throat. "What would help, is for you to stay safe." At the end of the day, that was the most important thing. Drifter decided then, he wasn't letting Shin get anywhere near the Nine's realm, he wasn't giving those bastards a single opportunity more to sink their teeth into his hunter even further.

"I just..." The Lightbearer's voice trailed off, and when he looked at Shin, there was clear pain in his eyes. "I can't lose anyone else to them, Shin. It's too much. Please just stay here."

* * *

Shin nodded, pressing a little more firmly against Drifter's arm. Gaze focused, intent, his expression solemn. "Whatever you want," he agreed, thumb moving slowly over the fabric of his sleeve. If Drifter wanted him far away and safe, he would honour that. This was still his space, his connection. They had proven pretty substantially that Shin couldn't comprehend what the other man did. "But please, let me help. However I can."

It didn't help that Shin didn't understand this. Didn't really know what the Haul was, whether it hurt. Didn't want to consider the possibility of it being dangerous; if Shin could be lost to them, could Drifter? The idea of waiting and waiting for Drifter to come home twisted in his belly and he closed his eyes. "What can I do?" He'd wait. He would.

* * *

It was a relief that Shin would so readily agree to stay behind. Made him feel a bit more sure, the physical touch soothing and grounding him.

"I don't wanna ask too much of you so soon." Drifter admitted, slightly unsure. Asking for tribute... It would still be bringing him into the whole thing more, in a way. But it might help. "I'm not sure what you can do, really. Anythin’ at all might be risky, and we have no way of knowin’. I'm sorry."

Things behaved strangely in a realm that represented pure potential. There was a power there that wasn't always compatible with the familiar cosmic forces of their own universe, and Drifter had no idea how the claim, the tribute, or any of it might be affected by the environment of the Haul.

* * *

The dread was still there; its teeth were sunk into him now, deeper than Thorn had ever managed. He hated feeling useless, standing by and doing nothing while events unfolded. Putting Drifter at risk because Shin was needy and worried was unacceptable though, not if he wanted to be able to live with himself. Not if there was any danger at all. He swallowed, eyes flicking open again. Simulating calm for the benefit of his audience.

"Is it possible for me to be useful without generatin’ tribute?" He asked, voice a little tense. "I... It would be better if I could be calm. Focused." Not shredding himself apart at the seams left to his own devices, fear sick and writhing through him. If not, well. He wasn't sure what he'd do. Probably go yell at a wall for a while.

* * *

Drifter took a deep breath. A hand went to rest on Shin's waist, the other one gently grabbing at the hunter's chin to move him into a better angle for Drifter to kiss him.

"I will not leave my hunter anxious and directionless." The Lightbearer sounded certain now - it had been enough to see Shin become so tense at the idea of being left alone and without a purpose to concentrate on, to realise how that would make him suffer. As long as it was something that didn't tie him further into the whole mess Drifter was going into, it should be safe enough.

"I have something you are goin’ to do for me." Drifter continued. "You will go into the workshop. Make sure it's tidy. If you look under the workbench, you'll see crates. They are full of weapons, which need to be taken apart, and the parts cleaned and classified. Any part too badly damaged needs throwin' away. You are to concentrate on this exclusively until I am back for you." He searched Shin's eyes for any reaction. "D’you understand me, sweetheart?"

* * *

He exhaled in a rush, relief soothing away the tension. The fear was still there, wouldn't go until Drifter was safe in his arms most likely. It would be manageable though, he had a direction and a purpose now. Nodding slightly, he pressed his lips to the Lightbearer's own and tried to impress the feel of it into his heart. Memorise the curve of Drifter's lips against his own, the taste of him.

"I understand," he affirmed, taking the order on board easily. It was perfect. A task that would require both mind and body, without exhausting either. "Thank you." He didn't want to let go of the man. Wanted to press close and not let go, keep him here with Shin. Safe.

* * *

It seemed like that helped a little, and that was good. Shin would have something to concentrate on, and Drifter would be able to know what the hunter was busy with, instead of worrying how he'd spend the time until he was back.

The rogue Lightbearer pulled the other man in for a last kiss, long and thorough, the pressure on the chin increasing just enough to open Shin's mouth to Drifter's tongue.

Finally, he had to break the kiss and step away, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to steady his breathing, before he could regret the plan and tell the Nine to fuck off and drag Shin into bed instead.

"I gotta leave now." Drifter said, as much for himself as for Shin. "Be good. I'll be back for you, darlin'." He did his best to give the hunter a winning smile, walking out of the room.

* * *

Shin stared after him for a long few moments, trying not to succumb to the feeling of sheer loss. It was stupid, he was going to be fine. Drifter would come back, of course he would. That wasn't the last time.

His chest hurt, tight and empty.

A breath. He was being stupid, he was. And Drifter had given him a task, something he wanted from him. He shoved it down, every thread of fear and memory, and nodded to himself. Made his way towards the workshop, heart in his mouth, and surveyed the scale of the task before him. It was enough. Would be enough. And the pull was still there, still reassuring as he began to work.

* * *

Drifter had only gone into the Haul in two occasions before this. One had been soon after he got it from the Nine, and the other one had been after the nightmares started in earnest. Neither of them were good memories.

He hated it here, hated the way getting ripped away from the Derelict and flung into this pocket dimension felt. He was in a place not unlike the one Guardians went into for the reckoning, but empty, a vast, featureless whiteness of rock. It crunched under his boot like no other material he'd ever felt, offering more resistance in some steps and less in others, like the molecules couldn't decide how tightly bound they really wanted to be.

Drifter took a breath, and even that felt strange, the air, the oxygen itself, generated anew every time he needed some, instead of existing independently around him. Fuckin' freaks.

"Hey! We've gotta talk!" He exclaimed, into the twilight nothingness.

* * *

Simple task. Simple movements. Repetitive. Pick up a part, check it over. Damages. Cloth, debridement, oil. Sort into the right container, make a note.

He slowly worked his way through the box, subsuming the fear and nausea beneath clean focus. He hadn't been told to worry, after all. He'd been told to work. And if he failed sometimes, if his hands slowed against a cracked stock for a Last Perdition and his thoughts strayed to a cold night in an empty wood and a lone ghost, then he could only hope that Drifter would let him atone for it later. That he'd be able to.

Just keep working. Do as you've been told. Be useful.

* * *

She wasn't there. Then she was. Not a single flickering or warning, and though Drifter was expecting it, he still flinched. He wanted so badly to look away, and that was exactly why he forced himself to keep staring at the floating figure now in front of him.

"Dredgen." The Emissary, as always, spoke without her lips moving. That static face, like an exact replica of the woman he used to know, like a death mask.

Drifter didn't bother correcting her. He needed that time to clear the sudden tightness in his throat, ready himself to speak. Getting right into it. "I wanna talk to you about Shin Malphur."

* * *

Box two. Rifle parts, all of them. A scope with a cracked lens, slight bent barrels, a regulator that smoked when he tried to run it. Some functional stuff, of course. Things that just needed a little care and attention, built up as they had become with caking dirt and smoke. He checked one chamber and found a smooth piece of glass. Rounded by something - sea, friction, human hand. He had no idea how it had ended up in there, but Shin placed the circle of warm amber carefully to one side. Perhaps Drifter would like it if he...

When. When he came back.

Box three. Gambit weaponry, it looked like. Some prototypes. Easier work, Shin could break these down in his sleep. Familiar in his hands, the movements well practiced and mindless. He closed his eyes, reassembled the trust in his hands.

There was a long moment, and then the gun was in pieces again and packed away.

* * *

The Emissary didn't say anything, didn't move at all. Waiting for more information.

Well, here went nothing. Drifter hadn't exactly planned what he was going to say, he just... It was all boiling inside of him, and it was more of a question of finding a way of letting it out that might be even remotely productive. Talking to anything related to the Nine was frustrating at the best of times, a million times more so when there was such important stuff at stake.

"Shin Malphur is mine. Mine, not yours." A deep breath. Keep the Deep contained inside, don't escalate unnecessarily. "You've been puttin' the same crap ya put into my head into his, and I want it t'stop. Now."

It was a long few minutes before she spoke again. Talking to the Nine, Drifter suspected. "He is... involved. Linked with you. The hunter wanted to be a part of it. To _know_."

* * *

Another box. Another, piece after piece of broken weaponry. Some mangled, eaten away by rust and other hellish substances that Shin could only guess at. One was stained dark with flaking blood, a fragment of bone spearing into the stock. Shin catalogued it, cleaned what could be salvaged, and carefully filed it away with hands that had nearly ceased to tremble.

Weapon after weapon crossed his little table, fingers beginning to ache and oil caking beneath his nails as he pried components apart and made them functional again. Excised the brokenness, left only what was useful.

Between one inhale and the next, a burnt-out sidearm beneath his fingers, he saw snow and dark trees and a single blue light approaching. He looked down, saw the wrong gun in his hands for just a moment, in pieces and charred beyond repair. Blinked, saw a Last Dance with a melted barrel and firing pin. Stripped them out, kept the good parts. Tried not to think of anything at all.

* * *

Drifter closed his eyes for a moment. His head hurt. Sure, when he had seen Drifter go through it himself, Shin had wanted to _help_. Get himself involved. After the claim, that desire had a different sort of power, and the Nine had capitalised on it to push what Drifter was allowed to see into the hunter's head as well.

This was all Drifter had been just told, only partially with the Emissary's words.

"It can't go on like this." He insisted. "He isn't handlin’ it. It happens when I sleep, and he's awake. That was never the deal, not even with me, so fuckin' fix it."

Drifter hated the long waits for any response. It wasn't anything like having a real conversation. And it forced him to just keep looking at her, which just hurt, deep in his gut. He thought idly of the gun at his hip. Wondered if he could even shoot her, if the bullet would do anything, or if it would even reach her before crumbling to dust in midair.

* * *

It happened when his eyes had grown tired, fingernails chipped and grip weakened. He reached for another gun and scraped against the bottom of the box.

Looked for the next box, and found nothing. His task was completed. He'd done as he'd been told. Every gun was disassembled, every part catalogued and made like new. He stood there for a long moment, staring absently down at where the next box should have been. He hadn't been told what to do when he was finished. Perhaps Drifter had forgotten.

Like a reflex, mindless, he reached for the pull to guide his movements. Only, it wasn't there. He couldn't find it, his throat bare and light with the lack of it. The ties that the claim had were still there, still wound deep into meat and bone and will; they were lax though. As if the hand that held them had let them fall.

Still and quiet, Shin began to cry.

* * *

"Your brains are different. The hunter is suffering because the visions aren't meant for his."

Drifter assumed as much, but it was at least useful to have confirmation like this. "So? Y'doin' somethin' about it?"

Yet another pause. "If they could know his brain-"

"Fuckin' forget it, sister. No way." Drifter interrupted her harshly, shaking his head. No. He wasn't letting the Nine properly get into Shin's head on their own right, instead of through him. No.

"It'd be a lot less traumatic for him."

The Lightbearer scoffed at that, though the words made his stomach flip. "I said forget it. That's not an option."

"Then..."

* * *

Fingers itching for something to do, mind dulled with the knowledge that this was happening again, he'd begun to assemble guns from parts. Good ones, ones that would work well. Broke them down again but kept note of the configurations. Whenever he stopped, he couldn't help but want to crack open his ribcage and search for whatever sickness was in him that kept causing this. Which took those who cared for him and ruined them with forces beyond his capability.

He should have been back by now. He should have. He said that he would be back and he wasn't and it had been hour after hour with no sign or word and Shin could not think through the certainty that he was gone. His fingertips ached as he slotted parts together into misshapen graceless things with only killing in mind.

Eventually, he gave up. Sank to his knees, head pressed against the side of the worktable and tried to breathe.

* * *

"Then?" He pressed her for a faster answer.

"He'll have nothing shown to him. The hunter will not understand the future or the threat ahead."

Drifter bit at the inside of his cheek, dark and thoughtful. Superficially, at least, short term, that was good. Would buy the man some peace. But he didn't want Shin to think he was pushing him away from the whole thing, keeping him outside and denying him a chance to try and understand the knowledge the Nine had. But the alternative was unacceptable to consider on his own.

"There are two choices, if you do not wish for things to stay the same." Apparently Drifter had been lost in thought for long enough that the Emissary seemed compelled to clarify. "Give the Nine full access, so the visions may be more appropriate, or shut him away from them altogether. What will it be, Dredgen?"

* * *

He curled in on himself, cool metal leeching away at the hot pain that had taken up residence within his skull. Every few seconds he tried automatically to reach for the pull, his mind's learned response to this level of hurt. Every time he came up against nothing and it hurt again. Curling his own hand around his throat, he tried to stop himself from aggravating that raw and bleeding fragment of his mind. It nearly worked, but his hand was too warm and he could feel the swell and press of soft flesh beneath his fingers.

Tearing off a strip of his cloak, Shin folded it with a single-minded focus into a band of fabric. Tied it off around his neck, the pressure just too light to be fully restrictive. Just tight enough to become constant and unforgettable.

It worked. Helped a little, a facsimile of the gentle tug of ownership on his soul. He shuddered, arms coming up to wrap around himself. Stayed kneeling.

* * *

It didn't take him long to make a choice. It was the only thing that made sense, right now. Every time a vision not meant for him forced its way onto his brain, Shin risked permanent damage. That was unacceptable.

"Take them away. For now." Drifter said, with confidence. "If he wants t'make a deal of his own, we'll let ya know. But he ain't gonna be a part of mine."

It felt like it had been almost an hour already, and Drifter was itching to finish and get back anyway, before Shin could get a chance to start getting restless.

"Very well." With this, the Emissary stopped being there at all.

* * *

He might have managed to break the loop of self-injury, but the hunter was still lost. Mind blank with grief and horror, body aching and worn out. Kneeling was the only thing that felt right at the moment, kept him small and powerless enough that he couldn't act on his only real impulse. He had hunted down Yor, a man. A powerful man, but still a man. The Nine, he couldn't even begin to consider as killable. Some distant part of him acknowledged without emotion that he would nonetheless expend his entire being trying to make it happen.

As of right now though, he had nothing and could do nothing and might as well _be nothing_. Pulling the ring from his neck, he curled bruised fingers around it and pressed the fist hard against his forehead. He would wait. Could do nothing but wait, until his body gave up or his mind could do _something_. Or until Drifter returned, distant though the possibility seemed.

* * *

Left alone in the flat emptiness, Drifter had nothing else he could do but get the hell out of there, which he was thankful for. God, was he ever tired. He just wanted to get back home, cuddle Shin, sleep, and explain everything properly the next morning.

As soon as he was thrown back into the Derelict, though, the rogue Lightbearer was hit by a strong, unexpected metaphysical current, something almost... Searching? Pawing and pulling at him, making his headache a hundred times worse. He couldn't understand what was going on, what could be wrong, but it made him nauseous and panicked, terrified that something had happened to Shin in his absence.

He tried to run towards the workshop, only to fall to the floor after a few heavy, uneasy steps. Fuck, _Fuck_. He had to find his hunter, had to pull it together.

* * *

Shin's vision went dark as every thread hooked into him went taut all at once. He choked, barely able to breathe around the choking grip on his neck, the pull at him. He needed to move, he had to move now.

Dimly, something in him understood what this meant. Drifter. Alive, back, wanting him, _needing_ him. What had happened he couldn't know, why the need was so great. He scrambled across the room, heedless of the pain in his legs or the way he slammed into the doorframe as he went. Every hurt could be felt once he knew the man was alive and well and _safe_.

The pull yanked him furiously in the right directions, so fast that he could barely breathe in his efforts to catch up with his own mind. Left, ahead, right, up- he stumbled, fell, hurled himself back to his feet.

* * *

God. If something had happened to Shin, because he had been gone, because Drifter had left him behind instead of taking him with... He would never forgive himself. But no, he had left the hunter safe in the ship, had given him something to do. There was nothing out of the ordinary in any of those crates, he was sure. So what, then? Where was this coming from?

Getting back up again was difficult. But it helped that the cold air of the Derelict felt much easier to breathe, kept him on task. One step, then another, more stable now, but maddeningly slow. He had to hurry. He had to find Shin, see him, touch him, know if he was alright and hold him in his arms. Anything else had stopped being a consideration at all.

* * *

The demand heightened to a roaring scream at the delay, practically throwing him around the ship in pursuit of the Drifter. His breath tasted like blood in the back of his throat, gasping as he pelted towards his target. He needed to be there, make whatever was wrong better, fix things.

He would do, he knew, anything. Anything to pay the world and Drifter back for this, the recovery of what was most precious to him. He'd been gone, and now Shin got him back and he was still crying as he ran. Adrenaline pumping through him, singing in his screaming muscles as the pull urged him forward.

There. A lone figure, one hand supporting himself against the wall and Shin could barely slow down to avoid crashing into him as he came to a stop before the man. A war raged in him as to whether he should simply drop to his knees or take Drifter in his arms. He did neither, in the end, the pull crashing wave after wave of approval onto him so he could barely think past the aching praise.

* * *

Drifter practically threw himself on the hunter, crushing him in a desperate, strong hug. God, he was here, he was with him. Shin seemed upset, crying, in one hell of a hurry, but safe. _Safe_, the word a balm that got rid of most of the tension in him, the arms wrapped around the smaller man still tight, but a little less harshly so. Drifter kissed the dark messy hair, practically buried his face in it, kept it there. The smell was familiar and comforting, filled him with gratitude.

"Darlin', are you ok? Are you hurt?" He said, finally managing to form some words, his concern and complete lack of understanding perfectly clear in his voice, his eyes, the crease of his forehead.

* * *

_Oh fuck. Oh, thank you._ Strong arms pulled him in, pressed him against Drifter's chest until his ribs nearly creaked. Shin was still crying, gasping for breath, chest heaving in desperation as he sucked in great lungfuls of air. Took everything he had to stay upright, trembling hands finding Drifter's back and pressing lightly against the pain. Feeling out the curve and mass of him, those familiar lines an ecstasy of comfort to the hunter. It was him; those lips against his head, those arms holding him close, and he couldn't help sobbing anew.

Drifter's question didn't make sense, not when Shin had been safe back here. In a little room, as protected as could be. He ignored it, tried to slow his breathing we enough for speech.

"You-" a gasp "You were _gone_-" he choked a little, half sob and half desperate attempt for oxygen. "You're _ok_-" He felt ok, still strong. Still steady. Not like Shin’s hopeless clinging, the painful joy of it.

* * *

When Shin finally spoke, Drifter was able to realise the hunter wasn't hurt or scared for himself, but for Drifter himself. The man was clinging like he had thought they'd never see each other again.

"I'm alright, everything is fine, sweetheart. I'm here, I came back for you." He did his best to reassure him, but his voice was shaking. Why was this happening? What could have scared him this much, in such a short time? Unless. Oh, God.

Drifter kept one arm around the hunter's body, his other hand searching for his face to make Shin look up to his and be able to meet his eyes. "How long have I been gone?"

* * *

The hand on his jaw pulled him into alignment, presented for inspection. Every breath hurt, burning and raw against the taste of blood and wheezing ache of his throat. Shin swallowed, eyes raking over and over Drifter’s face. Moving, breathing, living. _Here_. He blinked away the fresh well of tears, inhaled ragged and strained against them.

“Don’t know,” he said, chest trying to shake apart as he got the words out. “I just. I finished and I felt for you and you _weren’t there_ and-” a sob broke off in his throat, silent and choking. It had hurt so much, but he was here now and it was fine. It would all be ok, so why couldn’t he stop crying?

* * *

The Lightbearer asked his Ghost to check the Derelict systems against its own internal clock, and the results came back immediately. Just over one hour had passed for Drifter, meanwhile, outside of the Haul, it had been just over eight hours since he was gone.

The realisation left him breathless and tense, his brain still working through the ramifications of this knowledge. Shin had been left alone and unable to feel their bond through into another dimension and he thought Drifter was _gone_, for _hours_.

It took all his self control not to crush the man against himself again, let him breathe best as he could, wiping the tears away from his cheeks. "Sweetheart, it's alright. 'M so sorry. It was just an hour, on the other side. I didn't know."

If there had been time inconsistencies the previous two times Drifter had been there, there had been a lot more subtle. Nothing like this.

* * *

All he could do was nod, lips pressed tight together and vision blurry. Swallowing every sob, shoulders shaking with it, he closed his eyes and tried to get a handle on himself. Drifter was ok, had been ok. It had just been a stupid misunderstanding, some warped dimensional _something_ that had done this. Had made it feel like- another wracking sob, and he closed his eyes tighter.

“‘M sorry,” he choked out, pulling away from Drifter’s touch and covering his face with the hand not still clenched into a tight fist. “_Sorry_. I’m trying, I can-” another heave. “I just I didn’t- not _again_, I-” fingernails dug into his hair, pulling, trying desperately to distract from the aimless misery his brain seemed determined to put him through.

* * *

It hurt so much to see Shin like this, and to not understand how to make it better, to fix it. _"Not again"_, he said. There was clearly something from his past that had been dragged up by the experience, and with lives long as theirs, was that really surprising? They had both lost so much.

Drifter pulled him close again, an arm circling the hunter's waist, his other hand grabbing the one pulling at the hair, gently taking it down before smoothing the hair back with gentleness. Taking over, with guiding, inescapable affection. "Deep breaths now, my love. Nothing else. Just breathe, for me." The Lightbearer kept petting the dark hair while he spoke, sure and sweet.

* * *

The press of that request against his skull took a few moments to burrow its way past fear and pain and the remnants of that grasping horror which hadn’t gotten the message that it was time to _die_. After a little while though, he nodded jerkily. Tried to regulate his breaths, lock away the rest of him until the howling quieted. Shin’s face felt hot and puffy, and he closed his eyes.

Inhale. Exhale. Don’t think, just breathe.

Slowly, his breaths became smoother. Less ragged around the edges, hurting less as he forced them out. Eventually he uncurled pained fingers. There was a deep imprint in his hand from where the ring had bitten into the palm, so tight had he been holding it. He offered it to Drifter, still doing his best to breathe slow and steady. He wanted it back on, wanted Drifter to put it there.

* * *

He watched Shin do his best to slowly steady his breathing, and that helped Drifter feel a little more calm. They could get through this, it was going to be ok.

The Lightbearer let his hand fall from the hair, looking at the ring in the hunter's hand, took it gently. God, he hoped it had been at least a little bit of a reassurance while he was gone. He kissed the palm of Shin's hand first, the circular imprint left on it, before placing the silver chain back around his neck. "Perfect." He whispered. "I love you so much. You're doin' so well."

It was only then, attention turned to the man's neck, that Drifter saw the strip of cloth tied around it. He cautiously started to undo the knot, slowly. "What's this, sweetheart?"

* * *

His first instinct was to grab Drifter's hand, stop him taking it away because he _needed_ it to feel right and-

No, it was ok. Drifter was here, he was safe, and the pull was there. More solid and present against his throat than any fabric could be. He let go, flushing a little. Be good. Breathe, slow and calm. It was fine, everything was fine and there was no reason to worry. He pulled a little on the place their minds joined, just to feel the reassuring strength of the claim on him. It helped a little, buried a little of the sick feeling beneath his relief.

"I couldn't," god, his voice sounded raw; he coughed to try and clear it a little. "It was gone, I couldn't feel it and it _hurt_." He gestured vaguely to the fabric around his neck. "Felt close enough, stopped it hurting as much." He didn't know how to explain any better than that.

* * *

Drifter had stopped his hand when Shin had grabbed it, only continuing to take the fabric off when the hunter explained, nodding a little. He hadn't really understood it was something so physical for him. Around his neck. God.

But then again, Shin had always been the most literal out of the two of them, more likely to process metaphysical reality in such a tangible way. Drifter finished taking the cloth off, bundled it in his fist, and put it in his own pocket. "I'm gonna make sure you don't ever need it again." Fingertips stroked lightly down the length of the hunter's throat.

* * *

He nodded mutely, eyes wide, and made sure to keep his breaths even. Slow. He was still trembling, body still hurting from the way he'd forced it to its limits not long ago. Head still hurt, the weight of ownership unable to fully soothe the jagged mess his mind had crumpled into in its absence. The trail of skin against skin, light cool touches against hot and oversensitive flesh... it helped a little. Was at least something besides pain.

"Thank you," he breathed, voice still broken and rough. "Please... just. Please." _Please, don't go. Don't die. Don't leave me broken and alone all over again. Don't mark me and break me and make me like this and then leave me half of a whole without even a goodbye._

* * *

Drifter's hand went from his throat to the back of Shin's neck, pulling him into a kiss. It was the only way that made sense to him to respond to that emotional, desperate _please_. He just wanted to feel the hunter close, keep him safe in his arms, reassure him that he was back and wasn't going to leave him. Drifter hoped it communicated at least some of this.

Shin was so warm, still shaking a little under his touch. Drifter kissed him light and gentle, almost feeling like anything else might break him, or make him start sobbing again.

* * *

At least this made sense. Was simple, comforting, easy. He closed his eyes, tasting salt on his lips and something alien on Drifter's. Like sand and ozone, maybe. The hand against his spine was comforting in much the same way as the fabric had been, only better because it was properly linked to the claim.

Arms reached out, curling around Drifter. No real force behind them, no pulling him closer. Just resting against the muscle of his back, feeling him breathe. Shin let his mouth open, deepened the kiss again. Couldn't help like feeling as though the closer Drifter got, the further away those cold woods seemed. This was different. It was going to be different.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer let himself kiss a little more passionate when Shin opened his mouth to him, his touch still just carefully holding the hunter close. After a few long moments, he pulled back a little to let both of them breathe.

"We are both ok. We're gonna be alright." Drifter assured him, looking into his eyes. He'd make it true, even if he had to bend the screaming universe to his will by force. Even if he had to tear his way through reality itself to make it so. But for now, they were ok, and they were home. "Let's get you into bed, now."

* * *

It was so, so hard to believe that. To do any more than dismiss the words as false comfort, spoken to make Shin feel even a little better. If anything, events had just thrown into perspective how fragile this little bubble of safety and calm was. Drifter's gaze was fierce though, conviction strong in him. And Shin could be ok. He could make his peace with whatever happened, as long as neither of them was alone when it did. He could come to terms with dying, unmaking, even falling, as long as Drifter was at his side.

Shin of a month or so back would've killed him on the spot for it, he realised. Found him sickening, pathetic. Rather die himself than become this.

Shin of a month ago had been perhaps a fortnight from eating one of the guardians alive and he'd never have known til he was elbow deep in them. He closed his eyes, exhaled. Opened them again.

"Got to work in three hours," he said aloud, resigned to it. He couldn't miss again.

* * *

Drifter sighed, then kissed his cheek. "We can rest for three hours. We don't have to sleep."

He knew their work in the Tower was vital, important. They were doing something good here, and it was necessary. However, that didn't help him not resent it right now, wish he could keep his hunter here with him for the day. Or take the Derelict and get away from everything, explore out of system together this time, with no obligations to take them away from each other.

At least it was a nice idea.

"C'mon." He said, taking Shin's hand.

* * *

Shin let himself be led, head down and shoulders loose. The sleeping quarters were warm at least, the bedding soft enough. Eased some of the hurts, even if the exhaustion wasn't so easily fixable. He had to work not to fall asleep, Drifter pressed against him as a solid and reassuring mass. So that every time he felt that rush of panic, the constant repeated fear that something was wrong, there were arms around him and lips against his and the sheer weight of everything helping to ground him.

He rested his forehead against Drifter's chest, working hard not to pass out. Wouldn't wake up ‘til noon if he slept now. Come on. The hand in his hair felt good and comforting, but it didn't help. Still, better than being alone. So much, _god_ so much better.

* * *

Shin still felt so tense against him, clearly having to try hard not to fall asleep, not to lose himself in a spiral of dark thoughts. Drifter felt almost desperate to help and make him forget for a little while. Make him feel good.

A little hesitant at first, he started kissing the hunter's neck, pressing closer, a hand finding its way under Shin's shirt to caress naked skin. "Is this ok?" Another kiss against soft skin, and them Drifter looked up for Shin's reaction. "We don't have to. I just want to show you I'm here, with you, for you. I'm not goin' anywhere."

* * *

He didn’t tense at the searching kisses, not hugely reactive at all. Felt like he didn’t have energy to do much, like nothing worked as it was supposed to. It was comforting though, even if it didn’t exactly send thrills down his spine. Felt like being cared for, he supposed. Warming, soft; couldn’t forget that Drifter was here and safe and loved him.

“‘S more than ok,” he replied, eyes tired as he tilted his head to one side to give Drifter full access. “Just not gonna be too energetic, ‘m sorry.”

* * *

"Nothin' wrong with that." Drifter said easily, whispering the reassurance against Shin's shoulder, nuzzling at it.

The rogue Lightbearer took his time, undressing him gently, covering his body in kisses, letting slow, sure hands roam warm expanses of skin over and over again, becoming intimately familiar with the shape of him. He made sure Shin stayed comfortable and positioned in such a way he didn't have to really move much at all if he didn't want to, the rhythm of the Drifter becoming regular, loving waves, breaking softly against something clearly thought worthy of worship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You’re trembling, but he reaches over and_  
_he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist,”_  
\- Richard Siken


	19. Chapter 19

By the time morning fully arrived, Shin at least felt like he’d begun to trust that Drifter wouldn’t disappear the moment he looked away from him. He’d pressed kiss after kiss to cool skin, closed his eyes and felt him still there, still pressing and caressing even when Shin wasn’t making sure he hadn’t gone.

He withdrew slowly, regretfully. Immediately missing the feel of him, a pang of loss and misery curling against his chest. Dressed on autopilot, clothes that would keep him covered and warm. Almost wanted the fabric again, but Drifter had said he wouldn’t need it so he wouldn’t. He could be stronger than that.

Drifter wanted him to be strong. He could do that. Be that. He straightened his posture, a lie without words. Casual, comfortable. Another persona. Vanguard, professional and competent.

* * *

It felt like morning came all too quickly. Drifter hated the idea of leaving Shin out of his sight again, even though he knew he'd be safe and busy at the Tower. He watched the man starting to get dressed for the day and did so as well, making sure they both had some breakfast right after, and pulling him in for a long hug before they both had to go work.

Gambit would have to start a little later today, though. Drifter swung by the workshop beforehand to grab some stuff, and felt a tightness in his chest when he saw how much Shin had gotten done here. Hours. If he ever left his hunter with a task ever again, he needed to add what should be done once it was finished, just in case, really, had been stupid of him not to think of it.

He was here for something else, though, he remembered. Sometimes, to pass the time, Drifter worked on simple armour prototypes while in the Gambit control room, following the matches. He had a basic leatherwork kit ready in the workshop's storage for such occasions, and he grabbed it now, plus a few extra materials.

* * *

The day dragged, Shin constantly burying down that clawing fear as he tried to focus on his work. Helping the lights, teaching them, handling their issues. Rewarding them for work well done, where appropriate. He kept his helmet on for a lot of the day, fully aware of how terrible he must like despite his easy manner. Faking a posture and tone were doable, but his eyes were red and sunken, his lips chapped from tears and teeth worrying at them while he worked. Even a hastily swallowed coffee from the canteen in a spare moment couldn’t fix that.

It was a little heartening to note that the gambit regulars he’d taken note of seemed... well. More competent than average. Perhaps throwing them at the nastiest Drifter could offer really was doing them good. Even if all they were learning was how to avoid being stomped on, it was still producing better results.

Felt good to have at least one of his decisions validated. Some of the others though... well. He had to hope they were fresh risen. Still mouldable. The alternative was a lot of wasted blood when the time came.

The time passed slowly, but finally the stream of constant demands began to reduce in volume and he could justify heading back up. He needed to see Drifter again, had barely managed to cling on through overheard snatches of conversation about gambit matches that day.

* * *

Gambit was going well, mostly managed by the Ghost while Drifter concentrated on his leatherwork. He hadn't made anything exactly like this before, so he was anticipating a few tries, and wanted enough time to get it right.

The basic principles were the same as with any other shape, though, and after a few partial technique practices and two full prototypes, Drifter felt confident enough to start working with the actual material he wanted for it. It was a beautiful, black-brown leather, that he had traded for probably literal ages ago, and then never found anything special to do with it. Too soft and rare for armour, and for anything else he hadn't felt he could justify not going with more readily available materials.

Drifter spent the entire rest of the day working on it, and when he was done, he asked his Ghost to find him a box to put it on. Then headed to the living quarters with it under his arm.

* * *

Shin transmatted in, already worrying at the ring around his neck and looking around for Drifter. It took a moment for him to see the other, worry making him sloppy. He moved forward immediately though, pulling off his helmet and tossing it to once side before taking the Lightbearer by the lapels of his coat and pulling him into a kiss.

He wanted to feel the other beneath him, his breath and body, reassure himself of his safety. After a few moments though, the frantic nature of the movements faded and left behind relieved affection.

* * *

Drifter smiled when he saw the other man, and then almost dropped the box when he was pulled into a kiss immediately, forgetting he had it. But he managed to keep it balanced against his own body, his free hand raised up to the hunter's cheek as he kissed him back, glad to feel Shin soon relaxing a little more into it.

"Aw, glad to see me?" He said, when the kiss left him a bit breathless. Teasing just a little, trying to make him smile.

* * *

A noise of affirmation rumbled through him, tilting his head slightly to press against the hand. "Missed you so much," Shin agreed, trying to keep it light. No point in going over the low-grade terror that day had been full of, not when Drifter likely already knew. He pressed another kiss to the corner of the man's mouth, to his cheek, to the curve of his neck. Just tasting what he could, mapping out what he had access to.

"Gambit go ok?" He murmured against the man's neck, turning to press another kiss to the swell of his throat. He inhaled, that familiar scent soothing him further. It was ok. He was home.

* * *

Not that long ago, Drifter had had to work hard to practically rip a confession out of the man that he had missed him at all after years apart, and now it was offered freely, after a day. It was enough to make him feel so grateful it almost hurt.

Drifter exhaled as he felt the kisses, tilted his head back to allow better access. "It was fine." He couldn't remember a single detail about any of the matches, but that didn't matter. "Kinda made you somethin', actually."

No reason to wait, really. He was only going to make himself feel more anxious about it if he did. And Drifter also had to talk to the hunter about what he'd discussed with the Emissary, soon, and maybe bringing that up after the gift would be a bit easier. If Shin liked the idea, of course, which wasn't a given.

* * *

Shin drew back a little, head tilting in interest. "Made?" The concept was still new and unfamiliar, even if it was something Drifter seemed as though he was trying to acquaint him with. Food, rings, now... Something? Leaning back in, he placed another apologetic kiss against the man's neck, nuzzling gently at the skin and feeling the beard scrape against his cheekbone. He closed his eyes, inhaled again. Flicked his tongue out just a little to taste him, salt and skin together.

Pulling away a little, he finally noticed the box beneath Drifter's arm. It wasn't big, but besides that it gave nothing away. Could be anything. "Thank you," he said, genuinely. Worried that maybe he should be making Drifter things. If this was one of the rules he'd missed like so many others.

* * *

"Hmm, gotta get that personal touch." Drifter shuddered just a little, pleasantly, at the affectionate attentions given to his neck, a half smile curving his lips.

When the other man pulled away, Drifter took the box with both hands, offering it to Shin. It was bigger than the one which had housed the rings, but not massively so. Inside, there was one collar, made with that black-brown leather. Thick and strong, but padded comfortably on the side that went against skin, with simple gold fastenings and no other decoration.

Waiting for the hunter to open the box, and see it for himself, Drifter's smile became tense around the edges, betraying his anxiety. Maybe Shin would hate it. Maybe he'd think it was a stupid, insulting idea, related to something he'd brought up in a moment of weakness and didn't want to lean into any further. But maybe... Maybe he'd appreciate it. It was worth the try.

* * *

He thumbed open the catch with care, using the tips of his fingers to raise the lid and see what Drifter had made for him. The thing inside was simple but beautiful, and Shin swallowed thickly. He raised one hand to his neck, fingers tracing the line of his throat. Where the claim rested, lazy and satisfied. He'd never considered... The hunter looked up at Drifter, eyes filled with something too complex for words, then back down at the collar. He cleared his throat. Took the gift from the box, ran his thumb against soft material and shivered slightly. It looked secure, handsome and comfortable despite it.

He _wanted_ it.

"Can you..." He paused, licking his lips slightly, gaze flicking back up to the Drifter's. "Can you put it on me?" He smiled just a little, chest tight, still feeling the material. "It's beautiful. Thank you. "

* * *

For a few moments, which felt excruciatingly long, Drifter couldn't really read his reaction, and he held his breath without realising, waiting for it all to come crashing down on him. Waiting for his judgement.

But then Shin wanted him to put it on him, he thanked him and called his gift beautiful, and Drifter sighed in relief, anxiety turning into excitement and trepidation. He nodded immediately, took the box from Shin's hands to set it aside.

"Not as beautiful as you are." He said, letting his hand linger on Shin's as he took the collar from him, both of them joined over it for a moment. Then, his other hand pushed the man's chin upward, just enough to fully expose the lovely line of his neck.

Once Drifter had him in position, he used both hands to place the collar on his hunter with infinite care, securing it with a smooth _click_ around the sensitive skin.

* * *

He shuddered as it fastened in place, the comfortable weight of it secure around his throat. Bringing one hand back to his throat, he slipped a finger beneath the band and tugged experimentally. Had to suppress a whine at the way it felt, like safety and promise and being owned all mixed into one heady press against soft skin.

"I," he began, voice roughening some, "really wanna get on my knees for you right now, darlin'." He bared his throat, tilting his head this way and that just slightly to feel the movement of the collar against him. Drifter had done this for him. Given it to him just to make him feel better, stop him being so scared. Make sure he knew he belonged to him even when the other was gone. He didn't deserve this, couldn't begin to, but he wanted to try and earn it regardless.

* * *

It would be useless to try and hide the fierce affection and awe that Drifter felt pouring out of him, so he just openly stared at the hunter, offering such a breathtakingly perfect image with that collar on him, without even trying, just like Drifter knew he would.

He tried to swallow, his mouth going dry, listening to him speak like that. God. It sent a shock through him that ended right between his legs. "I'd like that. Very, very much." Drifter finally managed, in a low drawl.

* * *

He nodded, a little dazed, then on an impulse yanked off his arm guards, then his breastplate. Easy enough, thankfully. Let his shirt hang open at the throat, giving Drifter an uninterrupted view of the band of leather about his neck and the ring hanging against his chest.

That problem fixed, he lowered himself to the floor before Drifter, hands folding behind his back and head tilted to show off the mark of ownership. A hot breath hissed between his teeth and he licked his lips, pupils already blown with the sheer heady rush of it. Shin waited for instructions, permission, something that would let him deserve this or at least make Drifter feel this good. He kept remembering that soft _click_, the catch setting in place, and he decided right then that it wasn't coming off unless Drifter decided it was necessary. He wanted it on him always, the promise that it was.

* * *

Just looking at him like this made Drifter's breath feel heavy, catching in his throat before the man had even gone to his knees. One he did, the Lightbearer took a moment to admire it, staring in open adoration. Such beauty, vulnerability, trust, all his to own and appreciate.

Once he couldn't hold himself back from touching his hunter any longer, Drifter took a small step forward, one hand stroking down his cheek, resting along the jawline, the other one touching light fingertips to the collar around his neck, like he needed to feel it on him, confirm it was all real.

* * *

Drifter looked like he wanted to eat him, all rapt attention and those eyes raking over his form. Returning again and again to the collar, the gift he'd given him. Shin bit down on his lip, shivering at the man's touch. Like ice, sending sparks down his spine as he caressed him. He did his best to stay still despite the shivers and growing interest. Wanted to let Drifter appreciate him however he wanted, be good and pretty and obedient for him.

The pull felt strange, as though it were winding its way around the collar to sit beneath it. Settling, heavier than before, along the lines of it. As though Drifter's approval had shifted it, just a little. Given it a more solid place to rest. He closed his eyes, drank in that feeling.

* * *

He wanted to take it slow. Drink in the sight of him and savour every little shiver under his hand. Drifter knew he could have anything he wanted from his hunter like this. Could make him beg for the privilege of choking on his cock. Make him sob and scream and enjoy it all despite it. Or choose to be tender and kind, make him cry with gratitude instead.

He felt no particular urgency for any of it, greatly enjoying the feeling of tension and infinite possibility between them, his thumb slowly tracing the shape of his mouth, swiping across Shin's lower lip. "My lovely hunter. So happy to be properly owned, aren't you?"

* * *

The waiting killed him, just a little. After spending the entire day apart, in the quieter moments thinking wistfully of that morning and the slow press and movement in him, the feeling of being held and cared for... well. Restraint was a little difficult, now that he was here. With Drifter’s hands so light against his skin. Not allowed to touch, just... feeling.

His tongue flicked out, running lightly across the pad of Drifter’s thumb as he met the other’s gaze. The question sent a pleasurable shiver through him, face flushing a little with it and a panting breath of hot air escaping him. The casual possessive terms still did something strange to him, a curling twist of want in his belly and a slow pulse against his neck. “Yes sir,” he said without thinking. Coloured a little deeper, swallowed against the tightness in his throat. “Just want to be yours.”

* * *

Drifter let a grin spread on his face when he heard those words affirming his ownership, so willing to immediately confirm it. And why not? It'd make no sense to deny what was obvious.

"Such a pretty boy, when you blush like this." The hand at the hunter's neck travelled upwards, a single finger tracing a line through the flushed skin of his cheek, then grabbing at the hair and pulling, just a little, to move the head slightly back and to the side, getting the perfect angle to observe him at. The other one kept worrying at his mouth. "No one else gets to see you be this pretty, see you like this, do they? Just me. Hmm. They got no idea."

* * *

He kept tasting, testing, little movements of his tongue as Drifter kept playing with his mouth. Hoping a little that he'd get to repeat what had happened on that first night, show how much _better_ he could be for Drifter. The hand pulling suddenly against his hair startled a gasp out of him, and eyelashes fluttered and blinked in response to the little burst of pain. Behind his back, he squeezed a little where his hands joined. Trying to keep it together, stay good and still.

He did manage a tiny nod, wincing as the hand in his hair pulled against it. This was... Well. Other people were fine. Nice. Good enough for a casual lay, as long as they didn't get any bright ideas about overstaying their welcome. Drifter was on such a different level that it made no sense to compare the two. With anyone else, this would never have even been a consideration. Not even a fantasy. "Only you," he affirmed, a little breathless, a little muffled by the teasing against his mouth. "Only ever you."

* * *

With a groan, Drifter let his hand fall away from the hunter's mouth, needing it to work his pants open instead. Taking himself out and feeling his length already hardening in his hand, still staring at Shin. Taking it slow was all well and good, but god, it was hard when the man drove him so wild just looking like this, not to mention those words, that tongue that teased him back and promised such pleasure if Drifter would only hurry and actually do something about it.

He tried to keep his breathing regular still, positioning himself just a little closer, the grip on the hunter's hair just a little tighter. "Is this what y'want, darlin'?" Drifter asked sweetly, voice becoming slightly rough. "Yknow how I like hearin' you say it."

* * *

He couldn't restrain the quiet noise of loss as Drifter left his mouth alone and empty, lips wet and parted. He trembled a little, watching the other take himself in hand. Watching him swell in interest, just by watching and the barest of touches. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, head still tilted at a strained enough angle that he could feel every movement. The grip on his hair tightened, moving him just a fraction more, and a whine died in his throat as he tried to decide where he was supposed to be looking; Drifter's face, or... elsewhere. He settled for flicking from one to the other, appreciating each in turn.

"_Yes_," he breathed, doing his best not to squirm. "Please," was added hurriedly, a worried bite against his own lower lip a reprove for the rudeness. "Please let me taste you."

* * *

Drifter nodded, the tip of his own tongue coming out to lick at his lips briefly. The grip on dark hair turned into a soft petting motion, a reward for quick obedience.

"Looks like someone managed to remember his manners, just in time." He gave himself a long dry stroke, making sure Shin was watching it, precum beading at the tip. "Go ahead, then." Drifter finally permitted, trying to keep a growl of impatience from creeping into his tone. "Give me somethin' worth watchin', sweetheart."

* * *

He flushed again at the chiding remark, determined to do better. Leaning forward, hands still clasped behind his back, Shin licked tentatively at the head of it. Bitter salt broke across his tongue and he closed his eyes. Swallowed visibly, his arousal obvious. More careful licks, little teasing things as he tongued at the slit and over the head before pressing kisses against the shaft of it. Making sure to look up through lowered lashes ever so often for a glimpse of Drifter's reaction, otherwise going off the hand in his hair and the noises he could glean.

He avoided taking it into his mouth for now, focused on making his way over every inch of it and showing appreciation in the only way he could. Not least because he was sure - _he hoped_ \- that Drifter would be using his mouth properly soon enough, so while he had the option he wanted to move slowly.

A hot breath ghosting over the hardened flesh, Shin murmured appreciation against Drifter. Pressed a kiss to the head before licking a long, broad stripe down the side of the shaft.

* * *

Oh, _fuck_. He'd been expecting it, and still not anywhere near ready for the feeling of the hunter's tongue actually touching his flesh. The light teasing licks and kisses were maddening, but he'd basically asked for it, and Drifter decided right then to slow himself down, taking deep breaths, and let Shin do as he pleased. For now.

The low murmurs against aching flesh had the Lightbearer making little noises of approval, unable to distinguish any words over the throbbing of his own heartbeat, but feeling the emotion of it resonating in his bones regardless. Just when Drifter thought he was getting a handle on himself, the long press of that wet talented tongue sent him right into incoherence, hand tightening on reflex, and his mouth let out a swear that broke off into a moan.

* * *

That moan went right through him, and Shin spread his legs a little further apart to try and prevent himself from squirming against his own thighs. He was pulled a little away by the grip in his hair tightening, and he couldn’t help moaning in tandem. Pulled back, so he could get his mouth back on that length despite the pain.

More kissing, more gentle teasing, hands clasped so tight behind him. Swirling his tongue around the head, then letting just the barest hint of teeth scrape at the base. Part of him wanted to open wide and swallow Drifter down all in one, see how he’d respond. What he’d do when he lost that control. But.... well. He wanted Drifter to tell him to do it _more_.

* * *

Drifter didn't think he could stand this pace much longer, already painfully hard and on the edge of losing his mind. For a short moment, he entertained the idea of grabbing at the hunter's jaw, forcing his mouth open so he could ram himself into it as hard as he desired. But the sight of the collar threw a wrench into the dark machinations of his brain, reminded him he didn't have to assert himself in such a physical way - Shin was his already, and all he needed to do was ask.

Deliberately, he loosened the hold he had on the hair, smoothing silky strands back. "Darlin', you're killin' me here. God, you're so good. Will ya open your mouth for me, now?"

* * *

There, there it was. He couldn’t help the satisfied grin curling across his lips where they were pressed against the side of Drifter’s cock. Pressing one last kiss to the base, he drew away and sat back on his haunches. Still within easy distance, but just far enough away that Drifter could see him on display.

Swiping his tongue over his lower lip, wetting it so it glistened, he opened his mouth wide enough to accommodate the other man’s girth. Looked up, waiting for further instructions. It was a little cheeky of him, to be angling for orders quite so blatantly, but he hoped Drifter would indulge him in this. If not, he’d happily give him the best blowjob he could provide. If he did though, Shin would blissfully do _anything_ however he wanted, and hopefully that would be enjoyable for both of them.

* * *

Oh, he couldn't even find it in himself to be frustrated, not when it allowed him such a perfect view, Shin dutifully sitting back and doing nothing but what he'd been explicitly ordered to. That plush mouth, and shiny lips. The expectant eyes, clearly waiting for the next command to follow. Yeah, if that's what his hunter wanted, Drifter could give him that.

"I want you t'start takin' my cock in that lovely open mouth, my dear. Slowly, deep as you can manage." He spoke just above a whisper, with a strict edge hidden in the gentle instructions.

* * *

He closed his eyes, blissful, excitement thrilling beneath his skin. Drifter was giving him exactly what he wanted, so good to him. Opened them again, calm and anticipatory.

"Yes sir," he affirmed, couldn't help shifting a little from side to side in sheer physical excitement. Leaning forward, he opened his mouth again and took the head into his mouth. Ran his tongue against the underside, suckled gently at the tip to taste that clear bitter liquid again. Then, slowly, he moved further down. Lips spread wide around him, sealed against the shaft so that there was just the wet heat and press of his mouth on sensitive skin. Still moving his tongue against the Drifter, hollowing his cheeks for better pressure, breathing carefully through his nose.

More, mouth filled, ‘til the head was brushing against the back of his throat and he was doing his best not to choke against it. He could take more, he knew he could, as long as he moved slow and sure and Drifter kept moving that hand through his hair.

* * *

Drifter couldn't keep another moan from escaping his mouth, louder than the previous one, as Shin sucked on the head of his cock. Had barely taken him in yet and it was already almost too much stimulation, in that wonderful way that just left him craving for more. Fingers ran through dark hair over and over, just a little shaky, trying show his appreciation, while the hunter swallowed him down so deliciously, terribly slow.

It was perfect. It made the Drifter breathe heavily, panting, tense with the effort of keeping himself from thrusting right into that soft wetness. "Fuck. Oh, fuck, sweetheart, that's exactly it. Such a good boy."

* * *

He had to close his eyes at the compliments, keep himself from shuddering and trying to move against nothing as his toes curled and his skin flushed further. Fingers worked against one another, tapping out a silent rhythm as he tried to leech away some of the excess energy.

Those words did lend him a little confidence though, and he angled his head properly so that the line of his mouth and throat would be perfect. Took a deep breath, opened his throat as well as he could and then took the rest of Drifter's cock into him. Inch by inch, as slowly as he'd been asked, still sucking and hollowing around it, until his nose bumped against Drifter's shirt-covered stomach and he realised he'd managed it.

And stayed there, still and dutiful, throat working gently around the obstruction and the need for breath slowly growing. He crushed it down to the back of his mind, focused on doing as he'd been told, on making Drifter feel _good_. He hadn't been told to pull off, just to take all of the other man that he could.

* * *

Somehow the hunter not only managed to do exactly what had been asked of him, but he made it better than Drifter had dared imagine. The Lightbearer murmured encouragement and praise, until the twitching tightness of the throat around him became too distracting, simply too much, words devolving into basic noises of approval and need.

Looking down at him, Drifter realised Shin would stay there until he choked on his entire length and he couldn't breathe at all, unless he was directed otherwise. God, his hunter's dedication never ceased to amaze him. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, breathing in, enjoying and appreciating the feel of it fully.

"God _damn_, darlin', y'really are somethin' special." Opening his eyes again, Drifter tugged on the hair just a little, guiding, voice kind and playful. "Pull back now, dear, breathe. Can't have ya passing out just yet."

* * *

Shin was twitching gently, chest fractionally spasming in frustrated desperation, by the time Drifter relented and gave the order. He couldn’t help groaning just a little around him at the praise though, and the promise buried within that command. That ‘yet’, hinting towards what could happen if he was _very_ good.

The pull in his hair was good, and he moved in concert with it. Let the hand guide him off Drifter’s cock, just a little. Just until his airways were freed and he could suck in rapid lungfuls of air through his nose. The cold air had to feel strange against Drifter’s length, the tip just barely pressing against the entrance to his throat, and he did his best to lavish attention on the rest of it while he caught his breath. Make it feel good, worth the wait as he did what he’d been told and breathed.

* * *

Drifter shuddered and moaned at the loss of that perfect, all-encompassing velvet heat, but Shin's renewed efforts soon distracted him from it, panting hard in his own attempt to keep getting enough air.

The hand on the hunter's head scratched lightly at the scalp, once there was no need to pull it back any longer, then practically massaging at it with the tips of his fingers. "Doin' so well. Such an obedient, pretty little thing."

* * *

Once he was no longer at risk of passing out around the Drifter, he did his best to reconcile the two commands. Working his way slowly back over the man's length, letting it press through that tight channel so he could swallow endlessly around it, then drawing back a little to catch breath. Make sure he wasn't at any risk of falling unconscious, not unless Drifter wanted him to.

The compliments kept coming, and he drank them in. Trying to be deserving of them, to match up with whatever it was Drifter was seeing. Obedient, _pretty_. Shin moaned low in the back of his throat, sliding back onto the man's length as he did so, still distracted by the fingers in his hair. Drifter knew how to make him feel good, make him shiver and twist before him. He wanted to do well, to be _good_. Whatever Drifter asked, whatever he wanted to use Shin for, he'd be there.

* * *

The friction was amazing, a hot slide going up and doing his entire length finding such a wonderful rhythm. But what was even better was the way he could feel Shin working so hard for him, doing his very best to accommodate all of him in mouth and throat, over and over, only caring for his own breathing because Drifter had instructed him to.

The Lightbearer was running his fingers down the back of Shin's head when he felt the moan around his cock, echoing with one of his own and grabbing at the back of the hunter's neck, just over the collar. "_Damn_, y'really are enjoyin' this, aren't you, sweetheart? Just love feelin' me inside you." His voice was rough, threatening to crack at every word.

* * *

The hand resting against the collar, pressing it a little closer against his skin... god, that did something to him that he hadn't anticipated. Made his stomach flip, more so than a hand on his throat had ever done. A throbbing, needy pulse, a whimper dying behind his lips and beneath the cock in his mouth. He looked up, tried to keep that desperation locked down. Wanted to be good still, needed to refocus and keep teasing those noises out of Drifter, making him move and twitch and love Shin's mouth on him.

He made a broken noise of assent in the back of his throat in response to the question, moving just a little more so that Drifter could hear the noise of him against Shin's throat. God. He could live like this. Filled, adored, never alone again.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer took note of the little noise Shin made in reaction to his hand on the collar, the look in those big eyes as they looked up once more. Oh, that was delightful, and he couldn't help himself - This clearly needed to be explored further.

Drifter slipped his index finger between the collar and skin, easily enough, barely increasing the pressure of it, testing. Rolling his hips a little in time with it.

* * *

_Oh._ He jerked just a little, a tiny full-body movement as Drifter started to play with the collar around his neck. Started pulling, ever so slightly. His own hardness ached between his legs as he redoubled his efforts on Drifter, not able to keep from shuddering and moaning around him as the other started to press deeper into his mouth when he pulled.

It was hard to think, but the feel of that soft leather against his throat, the teasing promise as Drifter reasserted his ownership, the pleased stroke of the claim along his spine... it all mixed together into something that almost hurt with how _much_ it felt. He worked harder in response, doing his best to make Drifter feel even a little of what this did to him. Tightening his throat as much as he could, until it was all he could do not to gag. He was going to sound like hell later, he knew. Hoped it would make Drifter happy, the reminder of his claim.

* * *

He couldn't hold back a grin, a pleased exhalation escaping through his teeth as Drifter felt the hunter's shudders and moans right against the core of him, felt how badly Shin wanted to please him. That was all the confirmation Drifter needed to know what he wanted to do, certain that his hunter would enjoy it.

He kept moving his hips just a little more each time, keeping thrusts as controlled as he could manage with this level of stimulation, doing his best not to choke Shin completely. Then, he added a second finger under the collar, both curled ever so slightly to push the leather tighter against soft flesh, making small broken gasps of his own all the while.

* * *

The next thrust was a little harder, sending Drifter a little deeper into Shin. It was more difficult when he wasn't in full control of the motion, wasn't carefully managing the angle. God, but it was good though. Shifting his priorities to keeping his throat open, moving to meet every thrust as smoothly as possible, he inhaled quickly to stay conscious before swallowing him down again. His jaw ached, shoulders straining to keep him at the right angle for Drifter to fuck, but none of it even registered.

How could it, when Drifter was slowly pulling tighter and tighter against his throat? Those fingers curled around his collar, the way it pressed in against his windpipe to make sure he could _feel_ it. He wondered if, when Drifter pulled it tighter, he'd be able to feel it against his cock. Trembled at the thought, something horrifically visceral about the idea of being used as nothing more than a vessel for pressure and pleasure. He was twitching in earnest now, leaking and aching inside his pants, every bob and movement providing just enough friction to tease helplessly. Noises spilled from him, ending around the length in his mouth, chin soaked with spit and precum. He looked up, eyes wide with devotion and black with lust.

* * *

Looking down into those dark eyes, seeing that mouth completely stretched over him, his hunter crowned with the beauty of debauchery and ruin... God, it was enough to make a man lose his mind completely, if he had any left by now.

"I'm- _fuck_, I'm so close now, darlin'. You're so good, you feel so good. Hot and tight and perfect." A harder thrust accompanied by a loud moan, the hand grabbing at the collar in earnest now, voice nothing but a deep drawl. "I bet y'are almost there too, huh? I think, uh-, I think I could make ya come in your pants just like this, with my voice and my cock in your throat and this lovely helpful collar remindin' you that you're _all mine._"

* * *

The collar was pressed tight against his neck, cutting into his breath and pressing down hard against the places where lifeblood was supposed to flow. He ignored it, the growing lightness inside his head, choosing instead to simply gaze up at Drifter. Accept everything he'd give him, careless of his breathing or comfort, sobbing around him as he took and took.

Shin couldn't nod, really, not like this; couldn't communicate at all, but his submission was written plain across him in the way his legs spread and he pressed forwards against the collar's tightening grip to fuck his mouth on Drifter's cock. He was so close, body so caught up in just trying to please that when Drifter said those words he could feel them become true. Whole being coiled in readiness, the pull funnelling sensation through him, and all through it the collar against his neck reassuring him that he was owned. He keened, still moving as best he could, almost delirious with it.

* * *

Drifter was fucking into him hard and fast now, using the collar to hold the man steady in the angle he wanted, using the hunter's mouth and throat mercilessly as he quickly built towards his peak. It was all so much better because he knew that Shin had given him this power over him hoping for this exactly, for Drifter to take whatever he wanted, and still make both of them enjoy it so.

Speaking was becoming terribly difficult, but the Lightbearer forced the words out in a growl. "Lemme see you come for me, my beautiful hunter, _now._" That last word was given emphasis by the strongest pull yet on the collar, making the tightness of hot flesh twitch and spasm hard on Drifter's cock, finally sending him right over the edge too, spending himself down Shin's throat.

* * *

Pure sensation now, even as his lips began to numb and cool, going slack around the length pumping in and out of him. Just the feel of being used, held still and made nothing more than what Drifter wanted of him. Something hot and wet and pretty to fuck, pliant as could be. His chest was heaving despite the lack of airflow, not that it mattered since the lack of blood was going to take him far before breathlessness could manage. His body was irrelevant, all but the heat and need between his legs and the filled mouth entirely ignored.

Hearing, but not understanding, the words nevertheless made themselves known to him by the movement of his lips and the feel of that pull shifting his will to the Drifter's command. The collar went crushingly tight, and he choked as his body finally crested that peak. Shin came untouched, still dressed, legs spread and hands trembling. His vision blurred, entire body shaking through it as Drifter buried himself one last time against the hunter's face. He felt more than tasted the hot spurt and movement of Drifter coming inside him, barely conscious of anything. Certainly not conscious enough to swallow, spend leaking from his lips as he faded and ceased to be aware at all.

* * *

After riding the aftershocks of it for a long moment, Drifter forced himself to breathe deeply, pull himself together. He felt exhausted, all shreds of tension having left his body, but feeling Shin's own body going completely slack as he slipped into unconsciousness pushed him into action. Having carefully pulled himself out of the hunter's mouth, letting drool and come dribble out of it, he gently guided the body onto the floor, on his side.

After very quickly cleaning himself, Drifter grabbed a few things from around the room and then returned to his hunter, kneeling next to him. Gently, deep affection and reverence written into every movement, the rogue Lightbearer undressed Shin, wiped his entire body clean with a damp cloth, and dressed him again. He'd almost gone for some of the clothes Shin now kept on the Derelict, but a sentimental streak made Drifter reach for some of his own clothes instead, old, comfy stuff that looked too big on the smaller man, but should kept him nice and warm during the night anyway. He'd left the collar in place, for now, trying not to think about how self-indulgent that was, or the marks that would now be forming where it had been held tight against soft skin.

That done, Drifter carried him onto the bedding, making sure Shin had a blanket over him before changing into something more comfortable himself, getting a bottle of water and a couple pieces of fruit close for when Shin came back to himself. He sat on the bedding next to the other, stroking sweat-damp hair lovingly, away from Shin's forehead. The hunter had done so much for him, and now Drifter would happily watch over him.

* * *

When Shin next surfaced into consciousness, it was slowly and with some difficulty. His body felt tired, heavy and stupid with satisfaction, and even breathing was a little difficult. Warm and comfortable, a part of him wanted to just drift and enjoy the thoughtless bliss while it lasted.

Something was missing though, and it was that which he managed to pull himself back to awareness. Rolling onto his back with a groan, he felt a hand shift in his hair and searched blindly for the man using it. Curled himself into the warm body beside him, nuzzling against his chest and making a satisfied noise in the back of his throat. That turned out to be a mistake, raw throat sending him into a coughing fit that shook his entire body. His grip tightened automatically, clinging onto Drifter as he struggled for breath. Eventually he managed to calm the fit and disentangle himself a little. It had at least woken him a little more, cleared some of the sleep from his eyes, and he pulled back to look for approval.

"Good?" He rasped, hand going unconsciously to trace the leather band around his neck.

* * *

Drifter was glad to see Shin coming back into consciousness, happily pulled him up against his chest when the man seemed to be reaching for him. He wrapped his arms around him when he started coughing, whispering soothing word in his ear, telling him it would all be ok, until he could feel Shin relaxing a little, breathing a bit easier.

He smiled at the question, eyes bright, nodding lightly. God, Drifter realised he must have given more genuine smiles in the past month than in the century before that, and wasn't that really something? "Good doesn't begin to describe it, sweetheart. You feelin' alright?"

* * *

Blinking dopily up at Drifter, he felt himself mirror the smile. Sent a burst of warmth through him, something fluttering behind his ribs. It drove him forward a little, shifting upwards to press a kiss to the corner of Drifter's mouth. Small and chaste, almost joyful. His neck ached, breath still short, and he couldn't have been happier in it.

"Really good," he affirmed, nuzzling at Drifter's jawline. Hurt to speak, of course, but that was its own pleasant reminder of what had come - _ha_ \- before. As was the taste in his mouth, lingering still. Fingertips ran over the smooth metal of the clasp, cool and pleasant against his skin.

* * *

The Lightbearer felt that smile turn into an earnest grin with that little kiss, sighing happily at the soft nuzzling, the confirmation Shin was doing ok, he'd enjoyed what they'd done.

Watching the hunter touching the collar's clasp, Drifter flushed just a little, remembering how self-indulgent it had felt to leave it on when he'd taken off the rest of what Shin had been wearing. He wondered if the other man might have had a similar thought. "You, uh. Y'can take it off now, if you want." He said, very softly. After all, he'd made it for Shin to keep only in case he ever felt he needed it, and already having gotten to see him wearing it was more than Drifter could have dared hope for.

* * *

Shin’s nose wrinkled, discomfort at the idea rising in his gut. The claim liked it, _he_ liked it. Feeling that mark of ownership, knowing it labelled him as _Drifter’s_. Didn’t want it off. He closed his eyes, catalogued how things felt. Still pleasantly buzzed, neck and throat hurting, somewhat stiff. _Sticky_, salt coating his skin and hair.

“Maybe,” he allowed, thinking of the practicality of things above all, shifting against Drifter’s body. “Just for a little while. Gonna need a shower, after all.” He didn’t let go of it though, still worrying at the line of it. “I can... You’ll put it back on after though?” Tentative hope. Maybe keeping it for special occasions, when Drifter wanted him to be pretty for him, would be ok too. If it made Drifter happier.

* * *

Drifter quietly observed the hunter wrinkling his nose, thinking about it, seemingly considering what he wanted. He nodded at the mention of a shower, and felt a tight bright feeling in his chest at being asked to put the collar back on after it.

"Of course, darlin', whatever you want." Maybe Shin just wanted to keep it on for a little more of their evening. Maybe even sleep with it, if he thought it was comfortable enough for it. That was a nice idea, at least.

He realised something, then, and grimaced a little, looking apologetic. "Pretty sure the ship's only got cold water these days, though." It felt just fine to him, after all.

* * *

“Mmph.” He shook his head decisively, rubbing his face against Drifter’s beard gently. Like a cat, really. Pressed another kiss to the tip of his nose before reluctantly moving away, levering himself into an upright position. Only a little pain, less than speaking at least. He ran a hand over his face, through his hair. Grimaced at the grease. They really hadn’t had much of a chance to cool off, had they?

“C’mon,” he extended a hand to help Drifter up. Certainly not to just hold hands with him, enjoy how it felt. “My place it is.” Cubicle though it might have been, the shower was functional. And big enough for two, if they didn’t mind getting friendly.

* * *

Drifter so loved those little gestures of affection, loved that the hunter felt confident enough to give them freely, when not so long ago every gentle touch would have been so hesitant and small.

He took Shin's hand in his, used it to help himself up, and then kept holding it, giving it a little squeeze. "Sounds good." Drifter couldn't help but remember all that had happened the last time they were together in Shin's place. Hard to believe he had ended up feeling such fondness for that plain little room.

* * *

A little communication with the ship's AI had them transmatting safely down to the tower, right into Shin's little room. It looked kind of pathetic now, even though it hadn't really changed. Just... Well. He guessed he was getting used to the organic clutter and motion of a place that was lived in. Not just a place to sleep.

Well, he'd have to evaluate exactly what he'd started calling 'home' at some point. Until then, best to get something actually useful done. Getting Drifter into the bathroom and naked for one, just to make it clear what he'd like to happen. Not least because the man needed a wash, and Shin wanted company. He pulled at the Lightbearer's shirt, getting it off him with careful movements, pressing a kiss against his cheek once he'd completed that first task.

* * *

Yeah, Drifter had guessed that Shin would want him to shower as well, which he guessed was fair enough. And Drifter wanted to take care of him, of course, make sure he had a nice relaxing time and makes him feel loved, cherished. It was the least he could do for his hunter. When he thought of it like that, it really didn't sound that bad at all.

He smiled a little, rolling his shoulders to help get the shirt off completely. Looking down just for a moment to see the two symbols he now carried around his neck, his jade necklace and his ring. Then, he started undressing Shin in turn, getting his shirt off the man.

* * *

Before long the two of them were naked, and Shin took a moment just to admire the view. Drifter really didn't actually bother to strip off very frequently, and the number of times they'd had sex while the man was fully clothed was getting a little ridiculous. He looked _good_, muscular in all the right places and with a growing softness around the middle and arms that made Shin's heart melt a little. It looked good on him, broke up the harsh lines of experience. He met Drifter's gaze, making sure his approval was visible on his face.

"Gotta get you like this more often," he told the man, voice made a little huskier than intended by the stretching his throat had gotten. Began to pull Drifter towards the bathroom gently, but stopped. Fingers going to his throat, the circlet resting there. Stupid of him, had to come off. He didn't want it to, though.

What he _did_ want to do was take care of it, and be clean himself. So, he bared his throat without a thought. "Can you...?" He tapped his fingers against it, winced at the press against his bruises.

* * *

It was strange, to feel so exposed and actually finding the way Shin was looking at him reassuring, flushing just a little at those words. "If you'd like that" He agreed. It just wasn't something he thought about much, usually. Had spent a lot of time having to be ready to go at any given moment, which meant staying fully clothed. Or simply in an environment where even the momentary vulnerability would be dangerous. That kind of thing, over the centuries, created pretty strong habits. But he so enjoyed seeing Shin's beautiful body every time he could, it would be only fair.

Drifter followed the hunter to the bathroom readily enough, stopping when the other man did, realising what the issue was at once. "Oh, of course, darlin'. Come here." Gently, trying not to rub it against bruised skin, Drifter unlocked the catch and took it off from around Shin's neck. Without thinking, Drifter bit his lip and frowned a little, looking at the clear reddened imprint it had left on the man's throat. That had to hurt, and he felt a little guilty, mostly because he probably shouldn't find it so _pretty_. Proof of his ownership reflected right into the flesh.

After a kiss on the forehead, Drifter stepped away for a moment to take the collar, both the rings on their chains, and his jade necklace to the desk, where they could stay safe while they showered.

* * *

He tried not to feel the loss of it too deeply, reminding himself that Drifter would be there the entire time, that he could put it on right after. He still missed it though, fingertips searching for it and finding nothing but bruised skin. Not that the bruised skin was bad, not at all. He pressed his fingers in a little, shivered at it before reminding himself of his goal. Once Drifter had returned to him, he took his hand again. Brought him with him into the simple bathroom, turned the shower on and let it run for a little while to get the heat nice enough.

He _really_ hadn't done this in too long, he realised with some distaste. Still, the company was a new and welcome addition. And well, once they were in the cubicle and under the spray, it was pleasant enough. Even if the elbow room was a little lacking. He pressed a kiss against Drifter's shoulder, grabbed some soap from the dish. Simple, basic.

* * *

It had been... Well, Drifter pretty much couldn't remember the last time he'd had a proper hot shower. The ones on the Derelict were basically the equivalent of being hosed down with cold water, quick and effective, but not exactly nice.

This... This definitely was nice. He enjoyed the casual intimacy of it, the opportunity to caress and clean his hunter, even the sharing of the small space. Drifter could see himself getting used to this.

Once they were both clean, the Lightbearer stepped out of the shower to grab the one towel available, gently using it to dry Shin before using it for himself, prioritising the other man in all things without stopping to think about it.

* * *

_Hmm._ Shin felt better, a little more human with clean hair and skin. And Drifter caring for him without being asked didn't hurt. Still confused him, sure. But it was nice, and the other liked it, and it did no harm at all so he just let himself be looked after. The man wanted to make sure his property was in good condition, he thought wryly. That made sense.

It should probably embarrass him more, the way he headed right for the desk once they were out of that warm calm space. Didn't even bother to get dressed first, but then he wasn't exactly shy about himself. No, he simply pulled the ring and chain over his head, let it rest against the scar where the shard had buried itself in him. Comforting, secure. And then, with the reverence that came from unfamiliarity and understanding, he picked up the collar. Went to his knees, head bowed a little, offering it up.

It just. It felt more right, down here. He didn't know why, but it did. Just hoped that Drifter wouldn't dislike it, tell him to stop his veneration.

* * *

Drifter followed the hunter, feeling just a little breathless when he realised he was going for the collar before even getting dressed, even more so when Shin went to his knees once more to offer it back. A few steps and the Lightbearer was close enough to take it, with hands that had to try hard not to tremble, leaning down a little to carefully place the soft leather back around Shin's neck causing as little pain as possible.

Drifter didn't realise he'd been holding his breath until the soft metallic _click_ of the catch being closed once more made him exhale, feeling overwhelmed with the intensity of the possessive, protective love in his chest, sparked by looking at his hunter naked and collared and on his knees for him. "You are such perfection." He murmured, with a direct, fierce sincerity.

* * *

The moment the band closed around his neck, light though it was, he felt the weight drop back onto him. Almost physical, the coiling grip of Drifter's claim. It hadn't gone away with the collar gone, but it certainly had been more... Formless. Less anchored, less focused than it seemed when he was properly attired. Shin liked it better this way, the warning and reassurance mingling so that he couldn't forget if he tried.

He closed his eyes, felt his stomach clench at the sentiment. Living up to the things Drifter liked to tell him, those impossible affections and expressions of adoration that he seemed to believe of his hunter... That was the goal. Not to make a liar out of him. Be worth that unspoken promise to destroy anything which touched him, keep him and break him and make him anew.

Opening his eyes, he stood with as much grace as he could muster, moved in to press one heart-aching kiss to Drifter's lips. Trailed fingers down the side of his arm, thumbed at the peppered scars from one incident or another. "Just for you," he replied honestly enough before breaking away to get dressed, one finger tugging lightly at the collar without thought. Just enough to hurt.

Drifter's oversized clothes were comfortable, smelled right when he put them on. Made him look smaller, more fragile, at least if a brief glance in the mirror told him anything. He wouldn't normally like that. Here, in this space, with this person? It felt good. "Home again?" He asked.

* * *

He kissed Shin back, so sweet it almost hurt, hand resting lightly on his hip for just a moment. It took all of Drifter's self-control not to pull the man back into another kiss as he stepped away, wrap him tight in his arms and keep him there.

Drifter watched him starting to get dressed for a few seconds, before going to grab his own clothes as well. He got dressed quickly, eyes constantly glancing back to the hunter.

The Lightbearer smiled, walking up to Shin and taking his hand, kissing it. "Yeah. Let's go home."

* * *

The Derelict was oddly welcoming in its cold and darkness. Presumably for anyone else it would have been unpleasant to go from the warmth to chill while still wet, but Shin had long wicked away any damp with a controlled solar burn, and Drifter was... Well. Drifter. It felt simpler up here, safer. Meant that when they made their way back to the living quarters, Shin had very little shame in pulling Drifter down on top of him, onto the pile of soft things. He began nuzzling into his neck, body almost confused by the lack of scent. Tasted, just a little, with the same result.

No matter. He'd get it back soon enough, and everything else still had it. Probably Shin smelled as much like Drifter in these clothes as Drifter himself did. A nice thought as he wrapped his arms around the man, pulled him close. Just to feel him, know that he'd let Shin cling and enjoy him like this even for a few moments.

* * *

Glad to be back, Drifter sighed happily as he let himself be pulled down onto the bedding and on top of his hunter, doing his best not to put too much of his weight right on him. He turned a little to the side, pulling Shin into his chest in the same movement.

Drifter kissed his forehead, hesitated for a short moment. "Sweetheart, we've got to talk about yesterday. What the Emissary said." He really, really wished it wasn't necessary, but everything that had happened had already delayed the conversation more than was reasonable. Shin needed to know.

* * *

Well, that certainly put a little bit of a damper on Shin's relatively enthusiastic attempt to meld into Drifter's body. He'd... Well, frankly he'd forgotten entirely about the reason _why_ Drifter had had to go in the first place, so caught up had he been in the effects of it. Stupid of him, it was important. It hurt Drifter, that meant he should be paying attention to it. He bit down idly against Drifter's collarbone, worrying at it a little with his teeth as he thought. Not enough to hurt, just enough to get his brain working properly.

"'Right," he agreed, squeezing a little against Drifter's back. Just feeling the solidity of him. "What'd she say?" Didn't know if 'she' was the right pronoun honestly. "...They?"

* * *

He gave Shin a little time to get his head around the topic, just holding him, trying to find the right words to explain all of it. Trying to talk around the whole complex mess surrounding the Emissary without having it hurting too much.

Probably a good idea to just start with the basics. "The Nine are... Well, not of this dimension, but the existence of their consciousness is tied to it. To the existence of complex life in ours. They ain't helpin' outta the goodness of their hearts, they need us." Drifter tensed a little, something hard glinting behind the eyes. "That's why they gave me the Haul. Why they're warnin' us about what's comin'." A short pause, distaste clear even in the quality of the silence from the Lightbearer. "And _that_ is why I let 'em get their creepy little tendrils through my brain, so they can get whatever it is they get out of that, and give me visions built specifically for it."

* * *

Well, Shin didn't know what the hell to think about any of that. Was nice to know something out there had a vested interest in Drifter's survival, _maybe_. Probably not in any way he'd like though. And 'complex life' was a broad fuckin' spectrum of stuff to care about. Didn't necessarily include him or his, or even the three species he'd made it his business to defend.

"'Right," he repeated, a little slower this time. "Can't say I'm thrilled 'bout it, but intel is intel." Even if watching him go inside his head where Shin couldn't follow had been hell. Would keep being hell. "Why’d they need you if they got those things though?" Made special, he'd heard. Like an anglerfish's lure, letting them move through the world like real people.

* * *

Yeah, Drifter wasn't exactly thrilled about it either. Hadn't been from the start. There was a whole lot of bullshit wrapped up in this, but there was also power, real power, and possibility.

He gave a small half shrug. " They got their own ideas about the future. Think 'm special, that I'll play some sorta role for 'em. Me, and a few others. The hourglass, the blade, and the Dredgen." It was said with disdain, making it clear what he thought of that kind of prophecy-like thinking. If the Nine thought they could tell him what his destiny was, they had another thing coming. "Anyway, ain't the point. The visions... Y'were gettin' mine, the claim was lettin' them reach into you as well. But that's gonna stop now."

* * *

The Dredgen. _The_ Dredgen. Shin sure as _hell_ didn’t know how to feel at that, the name they’d taken up half in spite and half in remembrance. The name that Drifter had spread amongst the kids who were the best of them, most apt at wielding those fragments of darkness that had been made safe for them. Drifter’s. Not the point, not the point. Focus. Drifter had done something.

“‘Right...” damn, he was starting to feel dumb just repeating over and over. “Can’t say I’m thrilled ‘bout any of that either.” Hoped Drifter hadn’t had to give up much to keep them from twisting his thoughts til they shattered. Otherwise, he was... it was still hell, knowing he was useless. But he’d been more of a burden with the visions than without, had scared Drifter so. If not being able to see got rid of some of that stress, he’d let it happen. “Then... that’s it?”

* * *

He could say yes, that's all, and Shin would believe him. He'd never even know there had been a choice at all. He'd be kept safe and away from those fuckin' interdimensional freaks.

He could, but Drifter knew he wasn't going to. His hunter had given him power to make so many decisions for him already, and he'd barely deserved those. He couldn't take this one away from him like that.

His eyes looked away before he started speaking. "They aren't gonna give you mine no more, but they might be... Willin' to make a similar deal with you, if that's what you wanted. Full brain access, your own way to see, to be given knowledge. Your call."

* * *

Drifter didn't like it. Wouldn't meet Shin's eyes, hands had stilled against his back from where they'd been stroking him without thought. Something was wrong, and Shin didn't know what. He brought one hand up to cup Drifter's face, run his thumb along the cheekbone. Tried to get the Lightbearer to look at him, let him see what was wrong.

"'S a pretty big decision to make with not a lot of info," he commented quietly. Wished almost that he didn't have to, that Drifter would take this away from him. "Can you help me?"

* * *

God, Drifter wished he _could_ help, in any way that'd actually be useful. But it didn't seem possible. He knew what he wanted - He wanted Shin safe and away from this whole thing. But he'd also wanted the same for Orin, he'd begged her not to get so involved, to be careful, and it had only pushed her further away. And Shin deserved to make a choice like this for himself, without his influence.

He forced himself to meet the hunter's eyes, hoping that what he was feeling wouldn't show too much on his own. "I'm sorry. You've got as much intel as I do now." Except for one crucial piece, but Drifter couldn't bring himself to bring it up.

* * *

"_No I don't._" The dismissal came fast and without thought, and he slammed his mouth shut with an audible _click_. Swallowed, then tried again. "I mean... Sorry. I just, there are things that you definitely know more about than I do." He inhaled, closed his eyes for a moment. Drifter _really_ didn't like this and he felt like he was pushing against water here but he needed to know.

"How useful has the information been? Do you trust it? Could you do more if I could get more for you." He pressed back against Drifter, wanting a little of that closeness now if only to escape the tension in the man's gaze. "What are the risks? Does it... Does it even _matter_ if I say yes or not, when they were able to get access anyway?" If this was about becoming more useful then he needed to know what it would cost. How it would make him a burden, how it would make him helpful.

* * *

Drifter sighed heavily, kissed the hunter's forehead when he felt him press into him a little more. "I'm sorry. It makes sense that you'd want to know more. I just... I'm scared, darlin'." It was hard to admit, but Shin deserved some sort of explanation for why he'd act like this.

"I can't lose someone I love to them again. My friend, Orin, she... She wanted knowledge too, she wanted to understand the Nine." He sounded sad and bitter and god, it was so difficult to keep his voice from shaking, to keep talking. Drifter had to close his eyes for a moment, compose himself, before he could look at Shin again. "They lured her in with that knowledge and she lost herself on it, got turned into their puppet. That _thing_, the Emissary."

* * *

For a long moment, Shin was back in that room. Stood at the work table, a bleeding chunk torn out of the core of him, gaze vacant. Knowing that he'd lost someone he loved _again_, that the universe would continue to take without care or sense. He couldn't do that to Drifter, he _couldn't_. The decision went beyond rationality, it was visceral and immediate.

"I won't," he blurted, clinging onto Drifter for dear life. "I promise, it's fine. I don't need to know that badly." The Nine could keep their knowledge. Give it to Drifter, and Shin would help to bind him together through it instead. God, _fuck_ he felt bad for thinking of the Emissary as he had now. Turned his stomach, imagining having to look the empty shell of Jaren in the eye whenever he needed to use Thorn. The empty shell of Drifter-

"I'm sorry," he said only, not knowing how to fix any of this. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

Drifter made a broken sound in his throat, not unlike a sob, and pulled the hunter into a tight hug, keeping him as close as he could manage, their legs tangling together, just desperate to feel all of him. To remember Shin was here, safe, in his arms. Not being taken away from him by any fucking cosmic force. Let them try - Drifter would destroy them for it.

It was so _hard_, though, to avoid picturing it in his mind. Shin floating in front of him, attired in black and blue, skin white as bone and eyes pure blue, unseeing...

No, _no_, that wasn't happening, ever, Shin had just said, he _promised_. "You're mine, Shin. Mine, not theirs. They can't have you, y'hear me? I won't let them. Not this time."

* * *

"Yours," he promised fervently, eyes closed and body almost hurting with the strength of Drifter's grip. "I promise, only yours, I won't let them."

He'd die first. Drifter would hurt, sure, but... Not that. Not that gross unmaking, repurposing. Becoming the means through which the Nine made Drifter hurt, he couldn't- he wouldn't do that. Wouldn't accept it. He was already owned, he didn't need anything else. Whatever Drifter wanted for him, that was what would happen. All he could do was keep promising, murmuring pledges against the man's skin, eyes closed tight.

* * *

That reassured him a little, at least enough not to need to grab the man so tightly, pulling back just until he could look at his face, the collar around his neck. Drifter leaned in to kiss his hunter, one of the hands at his back stroking upwards to the back of Shin's head, moving him just a little to tilt his face into a better position for it.

"Thank you." He murmured, still keeping their faces close. It hurt, but Drifter was glad to have told him, glad that Shin had all the context for that whole mess now. To know that he understood. "Thank you so much, sweetheart."

* * *

He went pliant under the kiss, pressing his body against Drifter's under his own imperative this time. It helped a little, the cool thoughtless feel of skin on his and life beneath his fingers. More than that though, the _power_ he could feel. He couldn't tell if Drifter was curling invisible fingers around his throat on purpose, or if it was unconscious. Regardless, it was strong enough that he had difficulty breathing beneath it. A slight hitch in his breath, trying to suppress his usual response. It wasn't the time, _fuck_ was it ever not the time.

Drifter, hollowed out and empty, flashed before his eyes and iced his nerves. Jaren's eyes, the only thing of him that hadn't blurred over centuries... Those, flat and vacant. "It's going to be ok," he promised, voice a little strained. "I won't let anything happen, you won't ever have to worry about it."

* * *

Drifter felt a laugh rising from his chest, something heavy and humourless, that got stuck in his throat and came out rough and sad. _He_ should be the one telling his hunter not to worry, reassuring that everything would be taken care of. Not trying desperately not to cry and holding on like letting go of the man would mean drowning.

"I love you so much." He whispered, voice broken. "It's so hard already, every time, looking at her. And I just, I can't stop thinking about it, I can't." What a pathetic excuse for a man he was right now. Really should get his shit together, stop worrying Shin like this.

* * *

Sitting up a little, he pulled Drifter in. Pressing their foreheads together, one hand on the nape of his neck. "Love, I'm so proud of you." He confessed. "You did so well, you got everything we needed. Made sure I was safe." He pressed a kiss to Drifter's lips, then another to his cheek.

He hesitated. Didn't want to derail, didn't want to worry Drifter about him. But it was relevant, the only way he could contextualise and show understanding. He just had to hope that it would be taken as such.

"I wouldn't be able to cope," he admitted, stroking the back of Drifter's head. "I... Seeing Jaren even once, having to look him in the eye. I'd break." Closed his eyes. "I'm _so proud of you_, I love you so much."

* * *

He let himself be pulled closer, felt the love in those small touched. He'd done well, and Shin was proud. And he was _safe_. That let something inside him relax a little more, with a small exhale, pressing into the kiss.

Then he had to try hard not to tense completely again, listening to those words, the pain implied behind them. Tried to find a way of approaching it gently. "Jaren? I don't think you've told me about him before. Not that you have to, but if y'do want to, I'd like to listen." He said, almost in a whisper, before planting a little kiss in the corner of Shin's mouth.

* * *

He curled, hot breath ghosting over Drifter's skin. Pressing into the kiss with a cloying desperation he should be embarrassed over. The rest of him pressed even closer, as if the contact would make things better. Make it hurt less. But well, he wouldn't deny Drifter anything.

"Jaren Ward," he murmured, cracked himself open to feed Drifter the marrow of him. Let the Lightbearer grow stronger on him, if it helped. Even a little. Distracted him from what hurt.

"My... Well. My dad. Father." Breathed slow, hitching slightly. "Took me in when Palamon burned, then we got too close to Yor and..." He leaned in, pressed his creased brow back against Drifter's. Tried to hold himself together. "His gun. His ghost. And I..." His stomach flipped. He'd desecrated the both of them, used them to grow _strong_. Necessary sacrifices. But god, to look at Jaren now would kill him.

* * *

_Oh_. Jaren Ward, Shin's _father_. God. Drifter couldn't even imagine what it must be like to have those kinds of memories as a Lightbearer, carry that kind of pain. Made his chest hurt, his hands tremble slightly as he tried to touch and hold the hunter and offer whatever comfort his physical form could.

"It's ok, darlin'." Drifter leaned into the points of contact between them. His father's ghost. His father's gun, that he had made into a legend. How could you ever feel you were living up to the weight that held in your mind? No wonder the idea had affected him this much. Or that he had panicked so much when he thought he'd lost Drifter. God.

"It's ok, sweetheart. Thank you for telling me." A brief kiss, hoping it'd communicate at least some of the burning appreciation and affection he was feeling. Then a whisper, rough with sincerity and emotion. "Y'wanna know what I think? I think he'd be proud of you. How good you are, how hard you're tryin', the work you're doin' at the Tower every day."

* * *

He didn't... Shin's eyes shuttered, breath stopping before he smoothly restarted every halted process. Artificial, under control, _fake_. There was no world in which he could so suddenly conceive of what he'd done as anything less than betrayal. Visceral, horrific. Taken his father's legacy and crammed into all three parts of it his murder weapon. He pressed a kiss to Drifter's cheek, _loathed_ himself as he did so.

He'd gotten used to it, really. Pathetic. Had forgotten how evil he was, what he'd done. What did it matter if he was trying? It didn't redeem him. It was all just murky grey and Shin was _swimming_ in it. Drowning. God, how could Drifter stand him, knowing?

"You did well," he murmured, ignoring the Lightbearer's words entirely. Couldn't address them with that sacrilege still writhing inside. "I'm so grateful love."

* * *

Drifter nodded just a little. Didn't push the subject. Just saying that must have been so hard for Shin, he didn't need to take it any further. Just held him, stayed close.

"That's alright. Y'know I'd do anything for you." He replied, blinking slowly, sleepiness creeping into his voice. And really, Drifter was just so glad he didn't have to worry about his own sleep hurting Shin, about the nightmarish images he was shown torturing his hunter as well. He'd gladly handle it for the both of them, would do anything if it'd make things a little easier for Shin.

* * *

Shin tried not to hurt at that, at the way it grated at him. Tried not to let the grief break across him, to piece himself back together. He didn't know how successful he was. "I know darlin'," he murmured, leaning back in to kiss Drifter's forehead. He didn't deserve this. Wasn't good enough to be worth keeping and maintaining. Drifter had claimed him, marked him, wrapped his throat in it, and somehow it still felt like at any moment he'd realise his mistake.

Shin remembered the collar coming off, tried not to shudder, his eyes going distant. Pressing in against Drifter instead, he tucked the man's head beneath his chin. Ignored the press of it against the bruises. It'd be fine. They'd be fine. _God._

* * *

God, he was so tired. He'd been more worried about Shin and the Nine that he'd even realised before, and now that Shin knew, that they were in agreement about it, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off him. Drifter was so thankful for it, for the press of the other man's body against his. Forgetting the bruises, he nuzzled lightly against the collar.

"'M so glad ya like it. I wasn't sure. I woulda been so sad." He said, eyes already closed, voice a thick drawl. When he was this tired, the Lightbearer's brain barely registered if he was only thinking something or actually speaking it aloud, and the fact that he felt so comfortable around Shin, that he didn't have to bother with his usual defences, really didn't help make it any better. "Didn't think you'd want to wear it this much, though. 'S more than I coulda ever hoped for. God, ain't I the luckiest-" The last word transitioned into a yawn.

* * *

He closed his eyes, took that hurt and physical pain and tugged them inwards. Just experiencing them, still forever-greedy for whatever Drifter would give him. Pulling him in closer, shifting slightly to feel the hair move beneath his face, he sighed.

"Y'made me so happy with it," he replied, trying not to let the break in his voice show through. "Just wanna be yours, love." He closed his eyes, tears leaking through a little. "Fact, I'll tell you a secret darlin'. I don't ever wanna take it off." Fingers carding through the Lightbearer's hair, heart aching and body still just trying to get as close as he could, he hoped desperately as possible that it would help. Soothe those pains a little. Reassure the man.

* * *

Drifter happily let himself be pulled closer, breathed in deep against the hunter's skin. Listened best as he could, while being like this, took all of his focus to make the sounds be understood as actual words. Once the meaning sunk in, though, he felt himself flush a little, making a sound halfway between a chuckle and a giggle.

"I like that. I like that lots." Just the idea of his hunter choosing to wear that physical mark of his ownership always. God. "But. You'd have to wear lots of scarves. Hide it from everyone all the time." It was silly, it'd be too inconvenient. He knew Shin didn't want anyone to know about them anyway. Which was perfectly fine, but did mean some nice ideas would stay just that, and never anything more.

* * *

Aw, fuck. That little noise, Actual _happiness_. He remembered the Drifter of before. Could count on one hand the number of times he'd heard that. At that moment he considered just telling Drifter what would be most enjoyable. That he'd stop caring about who knew, air their business to the entire tower. And... He would. If Drifter asked him to, he would. Would sacrifice years of work, of keeping that balance alive, just to make Drifter happy.

For now though, he could stay practical. "I wear cloaks a bunch sweetheart," he reminded Drifter. "Armour has a pretty high neck too." Collar probably wouldn't even be visible at baseline. And if it was, it'd look like just another part of the armour to the casual eye. He sounded a little desperate, maybe. But the fuckin' fear when it was off, the loneliness? God, he couldn't.

"Really don't wanna take it off love," he pressed a kiss to the top of Drifter's head. "'M yours. I wanna know it."

* * *

Oh, cloaks, yeah. Hunters liked those, didn't they? That made sense. And with that and the right kind of armour, it wouldn't even be noticeable. Silly of him not to think of it.

"Mine." Drifter echoed, his voice a little breathless with wonder, so heavy with it. He grabbed at the front of the man's shirt, felt himself making the decision right then and there. "Don't take it off. Please, darlin'. I want you to wear it always."

* * *

Something clicked into place at those words, resolve firmed and the thread of dark against his neck flaring bright ice within him. Shin let himself be held closer, manhandled just a little and indulgently pliant with it.

"Yes sir," he murmured, unthinking. "Yours, always." Relief coloured his tone, eyes closed and breath heavy with the still-fresh scent of Drifter's hair. If he had at that moment reached up to check the collar, he would have found the clasp iced shut. As it was, there was no form of greater anathema to his soul than to even come that close to disobeying.

"I love you," he breathed, "so much." Unworthy. Utterly undeserving. And Drifter wanted him _anyway_, so he would just focus on making sure he didn't regret it. That was achievable. He could do that.

* * *

It took a moment to sink in, half asleep as he was. Shin was his _always_ and he wouldn't take it off and he loved Drifter, so much. God.

He pulled back a little just so he could tug at the shirt and bring the hunter into a kiss, sweet and desperate and clumsy with tiredness, moaning into it. Wanting to show his love however he could, words failing him, unable for the moment to express himself in any other way.

* * *

Hell. Drifter was real sweet like this. All movement and want with no technique. Less calculated, more needy. Like Shin had something that Drifter wanted desperately, and only he could provide. Felt good, made him feel worthwhile like that. Curling his hand in Drifter's hair, scratching lightly against the scalp just to see if he could get any of those happy noises out of him again, Shin tilted his head. Lined them up a little better, opening up a little just so he could pull gently at the Lightbearer's lip.

It was stupid how easily the self-hatred settled back down again, once the physical world took up enough of his attention. Felt almost coercive somehow, as though he were using Drifter just to feel better about himself. It didn't stop him doing it though. He wasn't so good as all that, not when Drifter was right there and oh so happy to help.

* * *

The hand in his hair made Drifter shudder and gasp a little exclamation of bliss, feeling the gentle pull on his lip, arching his body against the hunter's. Eyes closed, feeling like there was nothing in the world but Shin's closeness and warmth.

More than anything else ever could, it made the Lightbearer feel everything was going to be ok. That had so often felt impossible, but then again, just a couple months back, their whole relationship would have felt even more of an impossibility. Drifter from back then would have thought the entire idea a joke in very poor taste. And now he had someone he loved and owned and the Derelict felt like an actual home again somehow. If they could do that, together, they could do anything.

* * *

Licking inside Drifter's mouth, Shin ran careful fingers through the Lightbearer's hair. He had so much he wanted to say that it almost hurt, about how he'd been fuckin' empty before he met him. How he'd spent years thinking about him in his idle moments, indulging in some of the only doubt he'd ever bothered to entertain. Wondering if he'd made the right choices where the other was concerned.

The warm press of Drifter's body against him was a balm, helped to keep those words inside him. He'd tell them all to the other man of course; Drifter owned him, including what was his. Mind, body. Whatever blackened thing could be called soul these days, that too. Even if it wasn't worth the having.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“Ask for a blessing? You can try,_  
_but we will not remain unscathed._  
_Flex your will_  
_or abandon your will and let the_  
_world have its way with you”_  
\- Richard Siken


	20. Chapter 20

It was a good day so far. Drifter had woken up in Shin's arms, had even had a little time to cuddle him before they had to go off to work, and he'd gotten to see his hunter leave for the day still with the collar on, feeling almost giddy with the knowledge of it.

His mind kept going back to that fact during the first few hours of Gambit, any moment of downtime. Wondering how Shin was doing, if the day felt any different for him. If wearing it made things easier, or harder. If he was getting nearly as distracted as Drifter was thinking about it.

The current Gambit match ended quickly, with the same team winning two rounds, and the rogue Lightbearer rewarded them all, sent them on their way, and asked his Ghost to send the next lot into the transmat room.

* * *

When the kids had approached him with their idea, he'd been a little apprehensive. But they'd had good enough points, and while they _were_ promising enough at what they did, he remembered that they needed work. Just assigning tasks could only improve them so much - actual hands-on guidance was necessary. And he had to admit, he's didn't know how the Tower culture had changed. What the guardians did day to day - he didn't have a clue who half the tower staff were or what they ran these days. So, office hours later. Now, fireteaming up and teaching in person.

That had been fine for the crucible matches, even if his role was very passive. Mostly defensive, or assistive. They didn't need him to take out an enemy that they could learn by killing themselves. So that too, that had been fine. A good stretch of muscles that had grown lazy, getting him more into that focus without risking actually killing any of the kids. Not yet. Not ‘til he was sure he was safe.

And well, that had all been fine. He'd been letting the hunter know where their cloak was blocking their line of sight, basic things that would make a difference in a real life or death situation, and the transmat hummed around him. It spat them out somewhere familiar indeed, and he froze slightly. Looked up to see Drifter, looked around to see some _very_ innocent looking guardians. Oh, fuck.

* * *

He'd barely had a couple seconds to look over one of the teams, when something tugged at his attention, made him practically spin around because there was only one thing that felt like that, that could pull at him that way.

Shin was there, on the transmat platform, with three other guardians, looking up at him. Drifter did his best to control his reaction, not let his surprise show beyond a subtle raising of eyebrows. It didn't escape him that the guardians were very much looking at Shin - He could swear one of them just tried to hide a giggle behind a not very convincing cough. Fuckin' kids.

Well, he could ask for an explanation later. Right now, he had a job to do. He smiled a sharp grin, slipping back into the Gambit Host persona with ease, laying it on real thick to welcome them all aboard.

* * *

Shin slammed his helmet onto his face hard enough to bruise, sealing the collar to his skin. It pressed against where Drifter had choked him out, managed not to restrict his breathing by anything major. He turned to look at the kids, dragged his attention away from his world. Loading the Last Word with a single-minded focus, he grabbed a sniper and a grenade launcher from his ghost's possession. Swapped them in. If he was going to do this, he would be _good_.

Didn't need to worry about draining the light from the enemies he killed. Not here. He could be his _best_, show the kids who they were dealing with. Show Drifter that he'd chosen well, _perform_ as well as he could. Felt that pride and focus settle over him, straightening his spine.

"Alright," he said aloud, raising his cannon and looking the warlock beside him dead in the eye as the opposing team jeered silently. Not looking, he fired off four perfect headshots. At least, if Drifter hadn't had that helpful shielding in the way. It flickered ever so slightly, the things he'd done to that gun a little more than the generators could handle consistently. "Watch close."

* * *

Drifter's grin became wider, watching Shin's little display out of the corner of his eye. The hunter had looked just as surprised as him when they all transmatted in, but had quickly adapted, and now with his helmet on, he was all business. The rogue Lightbearer couldn't help feeling a little thrill of anticipation at that, eager to watch his hunter in action again, in his own arena, where he could follow every single detail.

The twirling green coin in his hand came up with the symbol for Hive and disappeared just as he announced it to the room. "Go show 'em what you've got. Make me proud." A general enough exclamation, allowing himself the smallest of glances towards Shin before the teams were transmatted away into the Dreaming city arena.

* * *

Oh. _Oh_, yes. He felt the order settle onto him, the faintest of pushes at his back. Grinned beneath the helmet. He'd been made for this, to kill with intent. Hidden behind the faceplate, head turned enough for plausible deniability, he met Drifter's gaze. Was running before the transmat had even spat the four of them out into the vaulted cathedral.

If the group had gotten used to him in a more passive role, then they were entirely unprepared for the speed and focus he employed now. Leaping to the central platform, using the edge of the high window to vault down onto the bank and straight towards the island. A shot through the base of a Knight's bony chin, followed up by a blade through its forehead. Knocked the legs out from beneath a group of acolytes, a bullet through those third eyes. He dragged the dark out of those cooling bodies, the energy those banks fed off. Still had the knack of it after his time away.

Finally, one of the kids caught up. "Right side," he instructed, jerking his head towards a pack of thrall headed their way. Titan had an SMG if he remembered right. Perfect to take out the lot of them. Shin had larger prey in mind, after all.

* * *

Drifter had never gotten back to the control room faster. He sat down in front of his screens and instructed his Ghost to change the point of view of a bunch of the cameras, until about half of them were following Shin from different angles. The rest of them, he basically ignored.

The hunter had jumped right into it, taking the lead just as Drifter had expected he would. No hesitation, like that kind of fast paced environment was exactly where he belonged. Instructing one of the kids when they managed to catch up with him. Oh yeah, this was going to be _good_. Drifter got another one of his coins, started rolling it back and forth across his knuckles as he leaned closer to the screens over the control panel, elbows resting on it. Just a little way to channel some of the energy and excitement he was suddenly feeling.

* * *

Shin inhaled, and for a moment wished the helmet was off. Wanted to smell the ichor spray, feel the air hiss past his teeth unfiltered. But well, he _didn't_ want to die in front of Drifter. Not over something stupid like taking a boomer to the face. Flipping the knife round in his hand, he jammed it into the middle of an acolyte. He knew the hive, knew them intimately. Knew exactly where to dig to pop the worm out of one, split it open beneath his fingers and siphon the most dark out of it he could manage. Felt that power burst across him, then fade again as the collar went cold. Felt good. Balanced.

He checked what he had, briefly scanned the others. He had the most, already pulling up the sniper to pop a wizard's shield before finishing it off with a double tap to the body. More motes. More power flashing against his senses, all rich warmth then gone into the cold a second later. Enough to summon something dangerous, maybe.

"With me," he instructed the hunter, also loaded down with a decent amount. Enough to open up a portal, and he'd seen the kid in action. Knew his weapons too, he'd do well sniping from the island. When the bank drained the darkness from him, it felt clean. Like he could think better. But also like he needed to do it _again_.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer watched Shin take a knife to the hive soldier, taking it apart, and thought to himself he probably shouldn't find it this hot, feeling his mouth go dry. God, but it was beautiful to watch. The controlled movements, the precision of that merciless violence.

And the tribute, of course. Every death in Gambit was in his service, sent a steady stream of tithe his way. But this? This was something special. So much more than that. It was deliberate killing in his name, with full knowledge and intention, active obedience, a hunt staged in his honour.

It was a full-bodied, rich, sweet taste in his mouth. Sharp and cold and delicious. Making power sing in his bones, shine dark in his eyes.

* * *

The bank slammed into the ground as the sky pulsed. A taken clawed its way into existence, shield flickering into place around it, and Shin dove at it. Slide between its legs, pulling enough solar energy out of the air around him to slam into the Captain's side and cook the once-flesh. Rolled to his feet, shoved the butt of the rifle into its back to knock it down then pulled the trigger point blank against its back. Back into the darkness it went, and the pull's heavy praise poured down his throat. Like honey, without the cloying sweetness.

More killing, more motes. Executing Drifter's will, making sure that he made no mistake. A Knight got a lucky hit on him and he unloaded a full clip into its braincase without a second thought for making him bleed while Drifter wanted him to kill. Crushed its worm underfoot, gouged a chunk out of its friend.

All the while he provided short instructions, keeping a weather eye on the kids. Gambit wasn't only a murder spree, after all. If Drifter wanted him to kill and kill until nothing was left, he could turn him loose on any planet he chose and Shin would cleanse the whole place if he had to. No, Gambit was strategy. Craft. The balance between survival and the kill, the timing and co-ordination needed to maximise their opportunity. The hunter came back with three kills when they'd gotten nearly two thirds of the way there, assisted in part by the crowd of blockers keeping the other team at bay. Good. Overwhelm them.

A red light flashed. And invader, something Shin couldn't kill. 10 motes on him, too. He ducked past a column, pulled the sniper again and scanned the area. Suppressing fire towards the caves, keep the invader scared while the titan came up behind them with a shotgun and a smile.

* * *

Drifter held his breath for a moment, watching the hunter defeat one of his Taken in a truly impressive manner, exhaling in admiration as it went down. His Ghost was already playing pre-recorded lines to the other players, having caught up with the fact that the Lightbearer wasn't going to be dividing his attention enraptured as he was with watching his hunter.

He winced as he saw Shin taking a hit, the first one this whole match, though he knew the man could take much more than that without difficulty, and saw him take the Knight down immediately after, with extreme prejudice.

The invader coming in, though... Drifter hadn't been following what the other team was doing, and was therefore surprised by their arrival. Made him tense a little, the idea of Shin going after the guardian. Wondered if he could even stop the hunter from here, if it became necessary.

It seemed like he didn't need to worry about it, after all. Shin had been directing the rest of his team so well all through the match, and now he'd help keep the invader pinned down so someone else in his team could get them, before they had a chance to take out a single one of them. Smart. Drifter leaned over the microphone, speaking directly to his hunter for the first time, in a low voice rumbling up from his chest. "My darlin', you sure are a pleasure to watch."

* * *

For a moment, he fumbled his knife. Hadn't expected Drifter's voice on his comms line, like he was just behind Shin's ear. A sharp inhale of breath, then he remembered and finished off the acolyte beside him before it could get any bright ideas. The cold pulsed harsher, and he made sure to pull the last handful he needed right out of it. His gauntlet came away slick with ichor and decay, prize held close to him.

He swallowed thickly, past the delighted writhing thrum of the claim round his neck, and switched to internal comms. "Any requests?" He asked, voice low and skin prickling with focused anticipation. Cheeky of him, perhaps, to be showing off so blatantly. But, well. He was good. They both knew he was good. And he'd love to show off, achieve any challenge Drifter gave him. Anything.

First though, he slammed that last set of motes home. Felt more than heard the _crack_ as the air forced itself apart and something massive started to tear its way through into the arena. Vast, dark, one massive maw and searching tendrils. A... Servitor? Once, perhaps. Now it was a nightmare made flesh. Literally. There were teeth in there, and Shin couldn't help but stare and throw himself away from it. This was beyond the primevals he'd seen before, far beyond.

* * *

Oh, this was the real test now. Primevals had once upon a time been the big point of contention between them when it came to Gambit, and the game had definitely... Evolved, since then. Drifter couldn't regret the deception, that had seemed so necessary at the time, but things were certainly so different now. Shin understood more now, had seen more of the Dark and what it could do, how they could both use it. And still, seeing him staring like that, getting away, Drifter wasn't sure what could be going through his mind.

He'd deal with that when he had to, anyway. Right now, no matter what he thought, he knew Shin would kill the Taken beast. And well, he _had_ asked for any requests. Drifter had ideas, knew what he liked. "Hmm. I wanna see you take those envoys down, sweetheart. No guns. Just you, your Light, your Dark, your knife. Think y'can manage that?"

* * *

He could've kissed Drifter for the order; it put him back on track, refocused him like nothing else. Well. Not _quite_ like nothing else. He didn't think he'd ever called the shard on command before, and it rose quickly to meet him. For once it and the pull were in perfect harmony; targeted, focused killing.

Ignoring the monstrosity for now, besides dodging away from a tentacle or two, Shin threw himself at the envoy. Uglier up close, the shield shattering as he pushed through it with a knife that was beginning to burn red-hot. Used the purchase to swing himself round, up onto its back, jam the blade into its throat as a handhold while he wrenched one spindly arm backwards with a strange creaking noise. It screeched, a weak pulse of solar coming off it. Enough to burn a little, but nowhere near enough to shake him off when Drifter had told him otherwise. Besides, with one arm mangled and no real line of sight, he was safe from its more focused blasts. The hunter pulled the knife, jammed it right back into where its nervous system had been once, and pulled all the way down until it crumpled back into darkness and Shin rolled to the floor again.

One down.

The other was across the central platform, behind a column, and though the kids were clearing out the small fry pretty well, they hadn't yet put much of a dent in it. Keeping low, he managed to make his way across without being knocked around too heavily by the mess of hobgoblins and phalanxes that were still alive. Had to stop for a moment to decapitate one that just wouldn't let up, but otherwise they seemed distracted enough. The second envoy saw him coming, threw bright shocks of solar right at him. Slow though, as if they hadn't been quite intended for this plane. Focusing thorn, he reached out. Scooped one into his hand and with intense focus, flung it back in its ugly face.

* * *

Shin took the order on board immediately, and shot straight for one of the envoys, taking it down in a way that was truly elegant, the man himself turned into an unwavering targeted blade of destruction.

"That's it, darlin'. That's _perfect._" He whispered the encouragement down the comms, right in his ear, voice dark and smooth. Then sat back to watch the hunter melt the second envoy with a blinding blast of solar. Just beautiful.

He forced himself to take a quick look at how the other team was doing. Just over half banked, no primeval yet. Yeah, didn't stand a chance.

* * *

It shrieked as he kept funnelling its own dark-fuelled energy back at it, adding a little light of his own just for the burn. The envoy splintered into disparate fragments of dark, the power from the deaths richer than the smaller fry that had come before. Heady, for the moment it spent with him. Shin knew who it really belonged to though. Whose service he was in.

Drifter's words tugged at the base of his skull, and he _knew_ Drifter could hear the hitch in his breath. Task completed, he unholstered the last word again. Perhaps Drifter would fear it less now. Now that he'd used it to kill Shin, and Shin was using it in his name. Perhaps he could learn to love it in the same way he loved his hunter. Spinning the gun in his hand, he dropped another phalanx. No instructions yet, which meant he was back to his original goal. Make Drifter proud.

The kids had been plugging steadily away at the primeval, its gaping maw jagged and bleeding thick smoke now. A few less teeth, a lot more rage. One tentacle lashed out at him and he dodged to one side. Brought the grenade launcher up, slammed a new clip into it and fired off a volley. And then, while it was writhing in agony, stunned by the shock of void... The last word burst into familiar flame. He heard an invader warning. Didn't matter though. Three perfect shots, burning a hole right through the heart of it.

The primeval screamed as it died, almost covering the low _thock_ of the warlock's sniper finding its mark on the invader. Shin watched it collapse in on itself, holstering the cannon and turning to look at one of the cameras for a moment before re-enabling external comms.

"Good job." He said shortly to the kids.

* * *

The guardians had been keeping the primeval busy, but of course it would be Shin to deliver the killing blow. The power from that one death shot through him in waves, as he watched the thing collapse and disappear, and it made his entire body shudder, made him bite down without noticing on his own lip, hard enough to draw blood. Drifter reflexively licked at the metallic taste, and sent both the teams up to the transmat room again, as he walked back to his platform there.

He had to try very, very hard not to stare at his hunter, let his eyes pass over him just like they did with everyone else. God, all he wanted was to grab him rough and kiss him until he'd taken all the air from his lungs. Later, Drifter had to promise himself, restless and pacing his little stage.

"You're gonna have to do a little better than that." He said, addressing the losing team. Then he turned, eyes lingering on Shin for just a moment as he spoke. "Y'all are givin' me quite the show. Keep it up." A gesture, and they were all sent back out for the second round.

* * *

Gun use was kept to a minimum this time, now he knew what Drifter _liked_ out of him. Slit throats, limbs broken through brute force alone, touch and knife burning with something just beyond light. An element of the other flickering at the edge of the heat haze as he snapped an acolyte's neck in two. He was killing slightly fewer, but the claim was singing in his spine with every snuffed-out life. Reaching cool fingers across his body, melding with the flesh and sinew of him, down to where the shard wrapped threads of dark around gore-filled bone.

They moved as one, just in this moment. Guided him to a massive knight that had clawed its way into the arena and set him about tearing it limb from limb. Almost without thought, locked into the pain and fierce joy of it until the thing fell still and he dropped next to it. Breathed through it, ghost straightening his ribs out, and sank one hand into its flesh. Drew out the dark until he could carry no more without it burning through him and let the contraption cleanse him of it.

At that same moment, someone on the other side did the same. A captain, larger than the one he'd killed before, forced its way through in front of him, knocked him back with a backhand that cracked the lens of his helmet. Stupid. Sloppy. He raised his gun, already firing off the first shot that would take it out of commission, and the portal flared around him.

* * *

Drifter didn't even had to ask this time, feeling a fierce surge of affection and approval at seeing his hunter adapting his style to what he knew the rogue Lightbearer liked to watch. And god, wasn't it just lovely. Quick and deadly, moving through the arena with such ease. Like he belonged here. And was that a surprise, really, when Shin belonged to Drifter, and this was the Drifter's game?

But of course, there was an aspect of it Shin had stayed well away from... Until now, at least, when he had been thrown right into it and throw the portal by that Taken captain. Drifter swore under his breath, suddenly tense, blood running cold. He barked orders to his Ghost to rearrange the camera configuration on the screens, get him all eyes on the hunter _right now_.

Alright, ok, they could get through this. It would be more suspicious to send the hunter back straight away. Drifter had no idea how the feeling and the Darkness that usually cloaked invaders would interact with all Shin already had going on, but it shouldn't be enough to push him into losing control completely, right? God, Drifter wished he was right about that, gritting his teeth.

He opened a comms line to his hunter after he had a second to compose himself, make his voice into a command lined with steel. "No deaths. Just stalk them, my hunter, make them afraid. Keep them away from the bank."

* * *

There was something syrupy coating him, throwing him off. Pressing at the edges of his vision, tinting the arena a colour that he didn't think he had words for. Reaching once again for the familiar pull and cut off his darkness, and the one that rested on him, he inhaled. If he focused, he could feel where the other team was. All the way over on the other side, killing their slow way through the horde.

The sniper scope rested on a forehead for a moment, before dropping. Sending a slug into the hand wreathed in darkness, scattering it a little. The warlock faltered, dropping a rift and searching frantically for the glint of Shin's scope. Good. Meant she didn't see the ogre making its way towards her, the thrall right beside her- he turned away, pulling out the Last Word. One without motes, heading his way. Smarter than her endangered friend, at least. Harder to deal with this one though, particularly since the shard and the claim were moving out of sync; orders not to kill, Thorn wanting to drink of their light and snuff them out for good. The collar burned, a reprimand and a reminder. _Who do you belong to? A shadow, or **Him**?_

He slid past the titan's shotgun blast, catching only a fragment or two. Tripped her with ease, the barrel of his gun coming down to tap gently against the front of her helmet as he kicked her gun away. A clear message of what he could have done. "Stay down," he said calmly, and made the jump towards their own cathedral entrance. Pin them down, make the bank _dangerous_.

* * *

He followed the hunter's every action closely, biting at his lip again, worried and tense. Drifter hadn't been scared of Shin for himself in quite some time, but he was afraid now, for the kids, and for what the consequences would be for Shin if he sent one of them to their true death. He simply couldn't let that happen.

He came so close to giving the command to pull him back when his hunter tripped the titan, raising his gun... But Drifter held back, deciding to trust him, his obedience, and Shin didn't fire. He felt breathlessly proud. "Well done, my love."

Just a little longer. He could do this; Drifter knew he could. The fear was still there, an undercurrent just below everything else, a subtle itch under his skin, but, well. He'd given a command, and he wanted to trust his hunter wouldn't disobey now. He hadn't really done so once in all the time since he had been claimed, after all.

* * *

There was still a blocker up. Whatever sickened veil was over him, the Knight's gaze slid over him like he wasn't there. He looked down at hands wreathed in darkness, tried not to think about the potential applications. Or side effects. Used its bulk as a cover and bait instead, ducked around the side of the hallway with gun up and ready. A warning shot as one of them started trying to take a chunk out of his new friend. A slightly _less_ warning shot when they pulled their own sniper and started heading for the portal.

Distraction was a wonderful thing, he thought to himself as the Knight set the corpse to burning before the ghost could make it go away.

Oh, the _ghost_. He turned to track it as it made its way past him into the cathedral. Ignoring him entirely as a threat, an easy target for- he couldn't breathe suddenly. His gun had only barely twitched, the shard fighting for control over his hand. Then a shock of ice had tightened around his throat, fingers numbing, and he choked on it. **_Not for you_**.

And then he was back, the layer of darkness gone from his skin, and the tightness eased around his throat. Their primeval was nearly ready to burst through, and he had a job to do.

* * *

Watching his hunter work right next to his Taken made something dark and pleased curl inside his chest. There was something very appealing about the idea of having him as part of his army, the great Man with the Golden Gun just another weapon in the rogue Lightbearer's arsenal. Drifter's Gun.

It didn't take long until he was reminded of the danger of it, though, seeing the hunter taking just a little too much interest on the fleeing Ghost, reaching for the claim and feeling himself _pulling_ somehow, with a grunt. Just enough to redirect the man, right before it was time to send him back to his own team again. Then he could let the tension leave him a little, breathe somewhat easier.

"I knew you'd be so good." He praised, secretly relieved. "That was exactly what I wanted. Good boy." A smile, small and proud, became evident in his voice. "Now go and get me that primeval."

* * *

He shuddered, swallowed down the apology in his throat. Drifter said he'd been good, then he'd been good. And he had a new goal, one to do _better_ at. Gutting another Knight, shattering the taken goblin one of them managed to scrape together and send through. Focusing on each kill, on making it as good as possible for the one watching. His own form of apology, delivered in the only way he felt confident giving.

The bank took every scrap of darkness he fed it before sinking into the ground again. Once more, the air split. Violence enough that it went right past sound and ached in his bones. A massive vex this time, something that must have been at least a minor mind in a past life. Not his priority though, not 'til he'd taken care of the others. An envoy made itself a home right beside him, and he slammed it into the pillar beside. Less force than he'd like, the physics of them all wrong. But those deadly hands crushed up against its chest, unable to target him without baking itself and it screeched long and furious. Shin carved out a section of its ribcage and reached inside it. Ripped out something vital and burning, used it to beat a goblin into the ground before they both disintegrated. He was breathing heavy, even if his airway wasn't restricted any more.

One of the kids had already beaten the second envoy to a respectable standstill, and he tried not to be jealous. They were learning, taking note. That was good, it was why he was here. Nevertheless, he grimaced before throwing his knife across the platform at it. Nailing it in the throat, white-hot metal going far enough through to neatly sever about half the neck. Enough to count, and the blade clattered to the floor with a _clink_. Cooling rapidly against the stone.

* * *

Good, Shin didn't waste any time getting back into action, showing off his skills for him. It was wonderful. He soon had summoned their primeval, when the other team was nowhere near close to it. Their morale had clearly taken a big hit, maybe bigger from that one invasion than from losing the first round. Some players only measured the success of an invader by how many other guardians they could take down, but Drifter knew that wasn't the only metric that mattered, just the easiest one to quantify. A good lesson for these kids.

A half smile curved on his lips as Drifter realised Shin was going straight for the envoys once more without having to be told again. Quick learner, this lovely hunter of his. And those skills with the knife. Truly something worth watching.

* * *

Shin was thrown back by a stomp from the primeval, weaponless now, back colliding hard with the wall. He bounced off it, gasping for breath. Pulling the light and dark through him, fusing what felt for a moment like crushed vertebrae. Keep moving, keep low. He hadn't had a chance to get ammo for the launcher this time, and Last Word really wasn't made for this sort of thing. Nor was the sniper.

A fistful of solar light in a phalanx's maw, pulling the lower jaw away and letting it crumple. His reserves were higher than the average guardian's, certainly. Particularly with his own brand of supplemental, careful though he had to be not to deplete it too far. His foot hit something, and the hunter looked down. A Knight's cleaver, still bloodied from where it had bitten into one of the kids not too long ago. Unaugmented, he wouldn't have the strength to wield it.

As it was, he knew what Drifter wanted to see. And that meant that he could do it.

Both hands around the pommel, no finesse here. Flame burst across the blade, and he swung at the thing's... ankle? One of the lower limb joints, wedging it in and _twisting_ until plating cracked and buckled. Pulled it loose, spilling dark fluid onto the ground. Again, just harsh butchery, anchoring himself against the force of the stomps and throwing himself around beneath its feet to avoid the weaponry it had at its disposal. When facing an enemy with greater firepower and size, be small and fast and strike when opportunity presents itself. That was what every hunter learned pretty quickly.

* * *

For a few long moments, Drifter watched with uncertainty, wanting to see him recover from that hit against the wall, waiting to see what his next move would be.

When Shin picked up the Knight's cleaver, Drifter couldn't help but laugh, almost incredulous, fully delighted. Of course. Nothing could feel more appropriate for him right now than a burning sword, brute force with an edge, bright and inescapable, not clean like a gun but physical, visceral, _real_.

Drifter watched Shin use it against the primeval and grinned, all teeth, something feral in his voice, tribute flowing like fire through his veins, the Deep inside him resonating its possessive claim. "My hunter. My knight. You are death in my name. Kill this creature now, and prove yourself worthy."

* * *

The hunter went somewhere else as Drifter spoke, pressed deep beneath waves of intent and focus and desire. He swung hard, precise, hitting exactly the spot he'd crippled before. The joint shattered, a deep static-filled noise making its way out of the primeval as it staggered. His skin was crawling with shock after shock of heat and cold, merging together without cancelling one another somehow. Another blow, all channelled fury. Either it was going to die or he was, and Shin only intended to let one person end him.

It swung one arm down, a massive cannon fused to it, fired off a blast that hit barely a foot west of where he'd dodged. It had brought it within range though, and with that had become vulnerable. Heat and brute force did a lot to render a weapon like that useless, and whatever hellish material the primeval was made of it melted well enough. It reeled, dropped to one knee, reached out to crush him in one hand. One of the kids yelled out in useless warning; Shin simply grabbed onto the limb and used it as a jumping-off point. Clawed his way up its back, heedless of how it burned and ate at him just by touching, burned it right back for the insolence.

And there, secured as best he could be, stood atop the primeval, he swung one final time. The sword drove down into the centre of it, its single eye sputtering and fading as solar fire licked deeper and deeper into the core of it.

* * *

Yes, _yes_. Drifter didn't doubt Shin for one second, didn't fear for him even seeing him get himself in such close quarters with the huge taken beast. Primevals were big and nasty, but they were nothing against the power, cunning, and determination of his hunter.

He couldn't keep from making a wordless expression of triumph at that final fatal blow, the assertion of Shin's will over the dying Primeval, and through it, obedience to the command he'd been given, another affirmation of active submission. "Breathtaking." He praised, fervently, getting closer to the microphone once more. "Couldn't have dreamed of anything better, my darlin'. Thank you."

It did mean that Drifter had to now call the match and end it, send them on their way, when that was the last thing he wanted. Frantically, his mind tried to search for a good enough excuse that would let Shin stay back with him - He would lose his mind if he had to wait hours before seeing him again.

* * *

He barely had the presence of mind to drop the sword and hop off the fragmenting corpse before he was simply dumped to the floor. His armour was in ruins, twisted and blackened with taken muck, melted by his own light. Drifter's words ran over him, almost synesthetic in their presence. There was blood at the back of his throat, or maybe that was victory. They tasted similar, really. He'd done well, proven that he was strong enough to be worthwhile.

One of the kids ran up to him, a hand on his arm as he stumbled slightly, bearing him up so he could recover his footing. "You're crazy," the warlock told him frankly. "Sure you aren't angling for Zavala's job instead?"

"Hey, even we aren't that bad!" The titan called from where he was fiddling with his helmet.

"He's absolutely uploading his helmet feed, sorry," the warlock said in an undertone. "Don't pull that shit if you don't want it saved forever."

Shin blinked at him, reclaimed his arm gently enough. Back to person-Shin, he could do that. Pulled the helmet off, one gauntlet too just so he could wipe the sweat from his face without burning his skin off with taken residue. "You kiddin'? Said I'd give you an example, I want a breakdown of the match on my desk later." And hope that any oddities wouldn't be noted.

* * *

Alright, he could figure this out. Just needed to get rid of the kids, find a reason for Shin to stay back, without making those little bastards think anything was up. Easy.

He activated the group comms, dropping his voice into a displeased growl purposefully. "Well, well. Does the vanguard think they can turn _my_ Gambit into their personal playground these days?" A dry chuckle, shaking his head. "No way, brother. We're gonna have some words about whatever the hell that was, Mr. Malphur, I'll expect you back on the transmat room. The rest of y'all, well done. I'm sendin' a lil' extra loot your way."

Drifter, fidgeting with one of his coins once more, threw it on the air and caught it again. Right, that should work, shouldn't it?

* * *

The hunter grinned, helmet long gone. “Soooomeone’s in trouble!” They yelled from across the platform. Shin did his best to ignore him, and the way Drifter had sounded. He could feel the hot satisfaction and anticipation of the claim, the way it reached up and down the line of his throat. It had fed itself past his teeth at one point, felt its way down him while he talked and moved and pretended that he couldn’t feel the phantom press of Drifter inside him. He had to take that as good. He _had_ to.

Fuck, that tone though. Resonated something deep in him, something that remembered harsh times and being small and having done _wrong_. Externally, he smirked. “I think I can handle our resident Drifter,” he replied, a little tired arrogance thrown in. Made sense, he thought. For the character. “I’m serious ‘bout those reports though. You’ll get something good for ‘em, but ‘sides that consider it my payment for dealing with your sorry asses. And _him_.” He took a step back, a flick of his finger the only farewell they’d be getting. “Take me up then.”

The transmat flared around him.

He was on his knees by the time the light faded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Forget about his insides,_  
_his plumbing and his furnaces, put a thing in his hand and be done with it."_  
\- Richard Siken


	21. Chapter 21

The rest of the players were automatically sent to orbit, back to their own ships, and Drifter asked his Ghost to close and clear the Gambit queue for now, send an excuse and a bit of loot to any players that had been waiting their turn. Drifter rushed back into the transmat room, feeling a frantic, almost wild need to see his hunter again, the flesh and blood of him, not an image repeated on a dozen screens.

Shin had been transmatted back to the same spot he had been at previously, down in the platform, while Drifter entered through to his small stage. Already on his knees, like he was trying to give Drifter a heart attack. _Goddamn_.

Itching for contact, he took the shielding down, tried his best not to sound too desperate, probably failed spectacularly. "God. Get up here already, sweetheart."

* * *

He waited on his knees, the rush and thrill still pulsing through the claim oozing into his mouth and down his throat. Drifter must be _very_ excited, he noted dimly, mouth slightly parted, swallowing around the sensation. Didn't matter that none of it was real, his mind was interpreting it as sensation and that meant that his body had to cope with it. And in this case, it felt a lot better to indulge a little than to just sit there and be felt over.

Then Drifter came in and he got _another_ command as if he hadn't been rewarded enough. He grinned, threw himself off the platform onto the snow, then pulled himself up to where Drifter was. Didn't bother getting up from the kneeling position climbing up had left him in, just stayed there. Eager as anything, chin raised, panting slightly. Still coated in blood and ichor and the ruins of his armour, but his throat bare at this angle. From above, the collar clearly visible.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer stared in open, clear appreciation. His hunter was gorgeous messed up like this, still hungry for anything Drifter could ask of him, so beautifully eager. Drifter took a couple steps closer and raised his hands, one cupping the hunter's cheek, the other one tracing the line of his neck just above the collar with light, cool fingers.

"Feels so good to finally touch you." He said, trying to hold back a shiver. God, was it good. The warmth under his hands, the soft, willing flesh. Getting to see what they both knew was the real him after that act out in the arena, for the guardians. "You made me so proud, darlin'. You did so good, you deserve a reward." Drifter's voice was rough, but sweet as could be, as he kept caressing Shin's neck. "Anythin' you want."

* * *

Adrenaline was still pumping through him, the shard of thorn pushed down but still eager for anything. Whole body excited, raring for the next challenge, without anything to satisfy itself. Well, besides Drifter. Always Drifter. His eyes were fixed on the man, intent and eager. He'd done well, he _had_.

Leant into the smooth touch, licked dry and bloodied lips, eyes bright. "Want you to tie me up," he blurted without thinking, flushed a little. "Body's all... jangly. Wants to move still. I... wanna cope with not being able to?" Denial. All the best things Drifter gave him came from denying him something he wanted and swapping it for something _better_. Every time, the trade was worth it. Giving up breath, mind, life... They had all made him feel so good. And he'd been _good_. He looked up, pleading just a little.

* * *

Drifter grinned, clearly pleased. Hell, it was almost sweet, how quickly Shin had asked for what he wanted, not having to stop to consider it at all. He wondered if the man had ever thought about being tied up before, hoped for it.

"Well, I think we can make that happen." The Lightbearer agreed, nodding, one finger slipping under the collar to trace the skin beneath it. He started thinking about the logistics. Didn't exactly have a lot of rope just lying around, not that wouldn't take a while to search for, and Shin obviously wanted this _now_. Hmm. He looked the man over, calculating. Oh, that cape of his... Well, it was giving Drifter some ideas.

* * *

The hunter did his level best to stay still with his muscles jumping and breathing still somewhat laboured. The scarce minute of kneeling compliance hadn't gotten anywhere near to ridding his body of the sheer stress and thrill that had come from going up against that _thing_. No amount of reward and ice could stop his heart from pounding and mind from whirring at speeds that shouldn't be possible.

Drifter, though. He thought Drifter might be able to. He'd taken him deep down before, to where he wasn't so much Shin as just a collection of vague feelings and movements. It was good. Calm.

The hunter shivered as Drifter played fingers against where those bruises had been. He swallowed, just to feel Drifter's skin shift on his in such a sensitive place. Ducked his head, bit his lip. "Thank you," he managed, leg twitching beneath him.

* * *

Yeah, must be the first time Drifter was glad hunters seemed to love all these ridiculously long cloaks. He leaned down to kiss the hunter's lips, licking at them, keeping it very surface level, hands abandoning their stroking of warm skin with no small amount of regret, going to find the material of the cloak instead. Gave it a firm tug, testing the strength of the fastenings that joined it to the armour.

"Mmm. Yeah, I think this might work." Drifter said, straightening back up again. "Get you all nice and still for me, huh? Is that what y'want?"

* * *

The kiss was good. Simple, light. Nothing like what his brain wanted, all hopped up on every chemical it could produce to keep him alive. Even once the threat was dead, as it turned out. Drifter had to know that, that he'd be wanting to bite or be bitten, hurt or be hurt. So he pressed gentle lips against Shin, made his expectations clear, and the hunter shuddered bodily with the effort but obeyed.

He froze up as Drifter broke the kiss, pulled against his back. Kept himself stiff, let him test the pull without Shin moving with it. Being useful. Not reacting to any stressor that Drifter could throw at him. The body was Drifter's, it was his right to move him as he wanted. Even if it was hyperreactive and still jerking in place every so often.

"Please," he asked quietly, opening his eyes again. "Yes, that's what I want."

* * *

"Well, since y'askin' so nicely." Drifter said, both amusement and approval colouring his voice. With the fabric still held tight in his hand, he walked around the hunter to look at his back. Grabbed both arms, pulling them back into a tense position that, by itself, it'd only be sore, but any movement, no matter how small, would _hurt_.

The cloak was wrapped around the wrists, a knot tied between them. Well, Drifter really hoped Shin wasn't especially attached to this particular cloak, because he wasn't going to be getting out of it unless it was by burning it off or taking a knife to it.

* * *

He couldn't help wincing just a little at the way Drifter moved his arms for him. The way he arranged them though, utterly immobile and aching against the ties... Shin let out a breathy sigh. Gave an experimental tug against his bindings and yelped a little as his shoulders twisted in their sockets. Ok. Dislocation was the name of the game if he wanted out. Both arms at once. He licked his lips, kept his arms _still_ in the right position and nodded slowly.

"Thank you," he murmured, tried to ignore the way he immediately wanted to flex and break against the restraints. Head didn't like being trapped like that, even as it sent rolling waves of interest through him. He crushed that desire down too, just waited patiently for Drifter. His next move, order, _something_.

* * *

Drifter enjoyed watching Shin testing his new restraints, realising just how much they immobilised him. "Yeah, thought you'd like that, darlin'." He cooed sweetly, tugging on the rest of the cloak just a little. "An' we ain't done yet."

One hand grabbed at the hunter's shoulder, pushed it back just a little, arching him just right, while the other one used what was left of the fabric to also tie his ankles together, trapping the man in this arched kneeling position completely. Yeah, that was it. That was perfect. "So beautiful." The Lightbearer breathed out, stepping away a couple steps to admire his work.

* * *

A muffled yelp as the angle of his shoulders was changed, more strain on them so that he could feel the joint twisting unnaturally. And then he was utterly trapped, a constant low burn of pain sounding through him, and he shook in place.

God. The body hated it, muscles still trying to twitch and jerk against their restraints and only sending short thrills of pain through him. Felt vulnerable in the extreme, trapped with every soft part exposed. All choice in the matter gone besides how he dealt with it, forced to be still.

His breath was coming faster, chest shaking as the body shoved all that tension and emotion and leftover adrenaline into the one thing it didn't hurt to move. Shin tried his best to slow down, force some calm into him. "Thank you," he managed again, breathless. "'S good." And it was. He liked it, being on display like that. Thoroughly at Drifter's mercy, when he'd already made him so strong that it could barely be necessary. Obeying despite his screaming body and instincts, that was good too.

* * *

Drifter's smile was sharp and dangerous, eyes betraying the dark hunger roaring inside him now. God he could do anything to his hunter, having him like this, and Shin knew that. He _liked_ that.

"Hmm." The Lightbearer walked around Shin until he was in front of him again, just enough distance between them so that the hunter could look up into his face. "I think I _really_ like this. All nice an' tied up for me, aren't you my love? So pretty, completely at my mercy." A hand hovered close to the hunter's cheek, but didn't make contact. "I could do _anythin'_ to ya right now. Could just look, and not touch you at all." The sharp smile became a grin, and the hand went up to grab roughly at messy dark hair. "Oh, I could keep you here, on this stage, while I host. Get a new batch of players in and let them see exactly who you are, who you really belong to."

* * *

A choking noise at that, his head pulled back even further, harshening the arch of his spine just a little more. Shin's mouth was dry, eyes blown wide and skin _hot_. The idea of all the kids seeing him like this, it turned his stomach fiercely. They wouldn't understand, they'd hate him for it. Pity him maybe. Just being watched in disgust, over and over... he closed his eyes, collected himself. There was something to be said for it in the abstract though, about being seen and known and debased as Drifter liked. Knowing that he'd given up even that last scrap of control, being showed off like another of Drifter's gets. That hurt less, the idea somewhat appealing. Just one more interesting find that Drifter had taken home and made irrevocably his. At the back of his head, the knowledge that he'd probably let Drifter do it played. Didn't know how to deal with that, so he buried it down. He wouldn't, anyway.

"Never knew you to share," he managed, voice barely shaking.

Couldn't even writhe like this, no way of getting any relief or pressure. Not even a way to relieve any of the nervous energy left in him, just stuck staring up at Drifter with his throat exposed. Ready for the knife. If Drifter really didn't touch him, after keying him up and making sure he was trapped, Shin might die. Heart giving out from the sheer stress of it all, lack of oxygen from hyperventilation, _something_. That thrilled too, the knowledge that he was utterly at Drifter's mercy.

* * *

The hand on Shin's hair became tighter, as the Lightbearer let out a possessive grunt. "No. You're right. No sharin'. This is for me only, isn't it, sweetheart? No one else gets to see you like this. I'd kill 'em."

All his teasing aside, Drifter knew exactly how important his image was to Shin, and was prepared to do one hell of a lot to protect it. The rumours were already bad enough, speaking of which, he probably had to ask the hunter sometime about what the hell the kids have been up to, looking at him like that when they had all loaded into Gambit. If any of them needed a bit of scarin', or something. Less harsh, he ran the hand back through the hair. "And this is your reward, darlin'. Maybe I should just be good t'you, huh? Y'know I can be so good."

* * *

Relaxed him a little, that agreement. Even if the idea of him laid bare and showed off was an enduring one, it was one that needed to stay in his head. Where all the more shameful ideas hid, so they couldn't get out and cause problems. His breath hitched again at the harsh pull, neck straining to accommodate it. Even just that little, normal motion of pleasure and dominance was heightened by the way he was tied, everything so restrictive that being moved around in the normal way was an exercise in keeping his balance and nerve.

When it eased, he relaxed a little. Let himself drop back into the position demanded by the bonds; not comfortable, not at all, but far less work. The restraints did all of that work for him. Drifter being kind was... it was good, god he knew it was. Could take him apart and make him feel like he was dying just by being kind to him. But it wasn't going to take this away, not so much. His body needed to learn that it was going to be still no matter what happened to it, his mind needed to _quiet_.

"I... please. I don't know how to... I just want to not like it. But like that I don't like it?" It sounded incoherent to his ears, and he closed his eyes. "Whatever you want though. Always."

* * *

It wasn't much of an explanation, but Drifter felt he understood anyway. He hummed in agreement, nodding, idly scratching at the scalp while he considered the possibilities.

"Could also leave you here." He mused aloud. "All on your own. No one to touch you, but the restraints I left on you. Hmm. What d'you think of that?"

Not that Drifter could actually go through with this one right now either, though. Unless it was what his hunter really wanted, he'd rather die than be apart from him right now, miss out on the sight, on touching the fever-hot warmth of his skin.

* * *

A low whine in the back of his throat was Shin's only response, angling his head slightly despite the difficulty to press a little more firmly into Drifter's hand. Just being left all alone, worked up and vulnerable and untouched. Couldn't help shaking at the thought, half distant arousal and half true fear. "Don't," he managed, eyes flicking back up to him. "Not... some other time, not now." He swallowed. Hoped that Drifter knew that he'd still do it. Still let him and take the deprivation and thank him for it. Just hoped he wouldn't have to, that was all.

Almost against his will, he shifted again. More stress on the way his body was contorted, shoulders jerking with the want and need to _move_. It hurt, sharp and burning, and his throat bobbed.

* * *

"Settle down, darlin'. I ain't leavin' you." He said sweetly, nails digging into the skin of his scalp, sending a cold chill down through them. Hmm.

It was interesting, though, the way Shin had been quick to clarify, _some other time_. Drifter could almost feel his mouth watering at the idea of the kind of wonderful tribute that would generate. Some other time, indeed.

Now, though, he had a trembling, needy hunter to take care of. Drifter took his hand away from him, raised it to look at it, then switched back to watching for Shin's reaction. There was already a little bit of blood under the short nails, and frost bloomed from the centre of his palm, crisp and beautiful.

* * *

The trembling eased a little at the reassurance, though the jump in his bones didn't. Of course, maybe that was just the creep of cold fingers along his skin. Shin was still running hot from the fight, fire still curling beneath his skin, and the confusing mess of sensations that Drifter was pressing into him all cancelled out to 'painful' and 'good' in turn. He missed it when it was gone, though a little of the hurt remained.

The hurt his body's twitching movements produced wasn't nearly as rich. Nice enough in their own way, in that they hazed everything over some. Grounded him, gave him something to hurt against. But the burst of cold was what made those tiny noises of need burst at the back of his throat, what made him lean almost unconsciously towards Drifter. Wanting more of it, restrained though he was.

* * *

Oh yeah, Shin liked the idea of that. The Drifter's unique brand of cold biting down on his skin, wrestling that fire under it into submission. He could make that happen for him, sure.

Drifter touched one of Shin's shoulders, with fingertips so light they could barely be felt, but it was enough for the frost to start extending into the armour there, creeping up to it with a soft crunching noise, spiralling crystals of ice digging their claws in whatever they could reach. "Is this good?"

* * *

Oh, _yes._ He swallowed thickly, muscles tensing as a chill began to press through him. The metal of his armour sapped the warmth away quickly, hungry for the light burning through him. A crackle next to his ear as frost crept along the pauldron and towards his head. Slow, deliberate. It didn't hurt as much as it had the last time.

His flesh had become more accustomed to Drifter's power, perhaps. Learned to accept it, or perhaps when he'd drained away the man's tainted light it had been incorporated into him. A little fragment of Drifter lodged in him, helping him to survive the chill.

Regardless, it bit deep without numbing, all sensation without the damage of before. Ice crusting over his shoulders, creeping to his neck, he shuddered at the feel of it against bare skin. Nodded slightly, heard the thin layer break apart into smaller shards. "Real good, thank you." A slight shake in his voice still, arms already just a little stiffer as the armour joints iced. Harder for him to struggle.

* * *

Drifter could see the excitement and trepidation written large in the hunter's face before he even said anything, but it was good to have confirmation. Spurred him a little further, the other hand coming up to rest in the centre of the chest plate, an open palm pressing against it, and waves of cold flowing through it. Letting his Dark hit just that little bit harder this time.

"Hmm. Y'can handle me better now, can't ya? I can feel it." Drifter said, low voice thick with praise. "What a good boy you are."

He wasn't exactly sure how it worked, just as with so many other things relating to the Deep, and the bond between them, but it was _good_. Meant that he could maybe push a little further that he originally thought, see how the hunter took it, without as much worry about the damage he was causing.

* * *

His skin should be dying by this point, extremities numbing. Cold morphing into something almost warmer, as sensors shut down. This wasn't like that at all; ice crept over him, encasing the armour in a thick layer of frosted white. Beneath the plating too, to his clothes, making them brittle and crackling against his skin. The flesh of him was mostly untouched for now, the heat of it still pressing outwards. Felt almost hotter in that icy prison, like one of the snowholes they'd used to make. Body heat in the air spaces, with frozen waste on every side. God, but the places where metal and cloth touched him burned like nothing else. Weren't giving him the grace of numbing or damage, just sinking bright cold over and over with no relief.

He bit down on his lower lip, doing his best to live up to the praise with a choked affirmative. No twitching, no moving. Shoulders were locked in place now, ice wrapping its way up to his throat and lacing around the collar. Probably looked real pretty from where Drifter was stood; maybe so did the way Shin's breath was still coming fast, fogging now in the frigid air. Ice crept its way a little further down, to his belly and back, and he tensed sharply.

* * *

It was simply unfair how his hunter kept finding new ways of looking absolutely stunning, of taking his breath away. Shin looked like goddamn living art just kneeling there, so carefully posed, the ice spreading over him reflecting the dim lighting of the Derelict, somehow almost shining. The white mist of his breath, the flush of his cheeks, the way he bit down on his lip. Beautiful, ethereal.

Drifter leaned closer, so the hand in Shin's chest could continue travelling downwards a little more, sending the ice even further down than that with the movement. "You're just the prettiest damn thing I've ever seen, darlin'. An' all mine." His other hand brushed dark hair back, frost holding it there. "Ain't I just too lucky."

* * *

"Yours," he echoed almost mindlessly. More a prayer than an active choice at this point. The hunter's body made a brave attempt to shudder at the words, but the actual movement it managed was more of a twitch. Joints creaked, stressed for a brief moment before the ice reaffirmed itself. That, right there... that sent a rush of arousal and fear pooling all together at the pit of his stomach. That and the slow creep of cold from Drifter's hand, crackling over the abdomen and-

He inhaled with a gasp, a low whine as the ice permeated inwards and tendrils of cold pressed close against the length of him. If he'd been able to move, nothing could have kept him from jerking in place, writhing or thrusting or trying like hell to get away. Doing _something_ besides kneeling in place, legs spread just far enough apart that he was exposed and everything pressed up against the lines of his armour.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer hummed his delighted approval at that, leaning even further to kiss the hunter, swallow that beautiful little whine, push his tongue inside and the cold with it. Every place the ice reached, Drifter could feel like his own hands were right there, all over the hunter at once. Reaching in, hungry for the heat of him.

If he closed his eyes, and concentrated, he found he could control where he wanted that phantom touch to grow stronger, move and pulse according to his will. He focused on the Dark licking up from where ice crept past Shin's thighs, swirling it around and directing it straight between his hunter's legs.

* * *

For a moment Shin could swear he felt ice pouring all through him, coating him inside and out until all he could do was ache around and beneath it in endless captive torment. He blinked the phantom terror away, opened up beneath Drifter's mouth and swallowed down the creeping cold. Was hard to tell, these days, what was real and what was just his mind trying to make sense of the way the claim thrilled at Drifter's touch. Whether the phantom touch was on the outside or inside of his throat.

Regardless, it was cold. Leeching away the energy he'd had to bring to the surface before, wicking away heat and pressing yet more ice in its place. Good, maybe. Hard to tell when he couldn't even process it as pain or pleasure, couldn't tell if there was a difference.

The way his body jerked, entirely to his credit, _did_ manage to break the icy grasp just a little. The coating over his shoulder joints cracked as his back arched yet further and arms tried to... what? Move? Cover himself? Pointless, involuntary. His choked-out yelp was just swallowed by Drifter's kiss, and the movement had achieved nothing besides more pain. He'd appreciate the cold's soothing touch if it were not currently curling its way around him, spreading across the inside of his thighs and towards rather more sensitive areas. He didn't have a comparison, couldn't process this as anything besides what it was, didn't even get to respond. Just waited there as cold moved against him, body only managing to tremble frantically, every fearful and wanting noise muffled against the other's lips.

* * *

Drifter kissed him deeper, eager to push the cold ever further inside the man, claim every single part of him, inside and out, _experience_ all of it. The leeched heat just so sweet, a stolen comfort.

His eyes still closed, Drifter could nonetheless see the shape of everything his ice was touching. Hands stroked a few crucial places on the hunter's body, frost reforming over his shoulders after the crack, and layers upon layers of it building up between the leg armour and the floor, freezing him to it.

Drifter pulled back a bit, just to open his eyes and look at Shin's face, licking and nibbling at cracked cold lips. "How's that, darlin'? Want me to ease up?"

* * *

He'd had to re-evaluate after a moment, now that it was directly on him; the creep of frost was nothing like hands on him, nothing at all. It was a thing all its own, the cold building up against his skin and spreading over it. Hardening against the skin of his thighs, blossoming inside his mouth and throat until every breath stung and he could barely feel an inch of him unaffected. Warmth simply draining from him, strength going with it.

Drifter pulled away, and he would have chased if there had been any movement allowed to him. Even that was denied him though, some of the thickest layers of ice binding his collar to him and to his armour. Kept him immobile, head tilted back, gave Drifter easy access.

"S'good," he managed in between little gasps beneath that teasing mouth. Met Drifter's gaze from beneath frosted lashes, tried to express the pain/pleasure/stimulation cocktail that every press of Drifter's power engendered. Every word was its own cloud, the heat even of his breath wicked away by the cold. "S'a lot." Honesty. He still remembered that last lesson, the efficient sweep of the knife across his throat. "Can handle it though." A teasing press against sensitive skin, an almost rolling pulse of cold rippling around his length. He might die in the process though, he had to admit.

* * *

"Good. That's what I like t'hear." A quick kiss, followed by a hard bite to his lower lip, enough to break skin and make it bleed. Drifter lapped and sucked at it, swallowing the coppery taste, letting just little tendrils of that cold Dark reach into the hunter's bloodstream, testing.

He'd kill him, he knew, if he kept ramping it up like this. Good thing that Shin would probably not have a lot of objections against the idea. Drifter thought he felt strong enough to control himself if that happened, not go too far, but then again... That same strength was also Hunger. It wasn't without risk.

* * *

He cringed at the pain, mouth jerking open a little further in reflex and dragging Drifter's teeth a little deeper. The attention lavished on the wound after was worse, after a fashion. Felt as though Drifter had found a way to drink the warmth out of even his blood, replaced it with more of that biting cold. Slipping further down his throat, spreading to the meat of him. If he kept pushing, he thought, he'd press himself all the way through to Shin's heart. And from there, everything. Maybe that was the final consumption, _consummation,_ what made Shin unquestionably his.

Whimpering a little, Drifter still pressing deeper, he just knelt there. Wished he could spread his legs a little further, change the angle of his head, _something_ to gain any control or at least make it easier for Drifter. Give better access to the press of dark against his lower half, the squirming tendrils of it stroking over and into his most vulnerable places, all the while hurting and shocking with no real chance to get used to it.

* * *

Drifter wanted to keep pushing, feel himself deeper inside the hunter, devour all of that lovely warmth. And wasn't that his right? It was all his, anyway. His to drink down and take for his own if he so chose, and the body, so helpless and exposed despite the armour over it, well, it was Drifter's as well, to enjoy however he wanted.

He was fully hard now, and couldn't resist taking one hand away to press against himself. At the same time he did so, he directed the swirling ice to spread over Shin's ass, that ever-testing Dark going even further, pressing into him. Trying to reach inside from all possible angles, as Drifter took himself out of his pants with a groan, rumbling up into the renewed biting kiss.

* * *

Keening, shaking only in fractional movements within the confines of his armour, he felt Drifter urge the cold inside him. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to limit the sensory information he was taking onboard so as to not fracture completely beneath the weight of it all. Didn't help much, the feeling of ice creeping into every part of him, stroking inside and setting everything alive with singing hurt. There was nothing to press back on even if he'd been given the chance, no solid force against which to lean. Just intent, pressing its way down his throat and up through him until there was nothing left but cold and sensation.

Drifter kissed him harder, made those noises that meant he was enjoying so much whatever it was he was doing to Shin. He was glad, gasping and overwhelmed though the hunter was. He wanted Drifter to like this, to be pleased with how Shin's body opened up to the dark in him. Everything but the core of him was gone now, replaced with creeping ice and pain; Shin was achingly hard beneath it all.

* * *

Every single little shake and sound he could get from Shin felt like a triumph, like he was successfully making it so the hunter couldn't think of anything that wasn't the man who owned him and the sensations he was causing.

He pulled back from the kiss and left Shin gasping, straightening back up a little, taking the hand away from himself. The fingers were already smeared with precum, but it didn't feel like nearly enough slick to create a good wet friction against his length, so the Lightbearer shoved two of them inside his hunter's mouth, pressing the wounded lip to open it up. Sliding into soft wet flesh that already lacked almost all of the warmth he'd come to expect of it. At the same time, Drifter forced the tendrils of Dark against the man's lower half to press in even deeper.

* * *

It was harder than normal to take Drifter's fingers into his mouth, jaw stiffened by the ice leeching through it so that it was an effort to force it open further. He did his best though, the bitter salt taste spreading through his mouth as he sucked and swallowed around the latest intrusion. It was good, the cool weight of something tangible to focus on and attend to. A task, basic though it was. Doing his best to get Drifter good and wet, trying not to sob around him as the cold pressed deeper and deeper into him.

Every new wave of cold, frost creeping slowly into him, confused his senses beyond words. Clenching fruitlessly around something so inhuman, nonetheless stretched just a little by every movement. It curled against that one spot over and over, hurting more than he could have imagined. He thought he might be leaking against the inside of his armour, thighs trembling, but if so it was freezing fast and joining the rest of that icy grip.

* * *

"That's it, be good for me now." Praise and instruction all in one, adding a third finger in. Before taking them out, a few moments later, the Lightbearer sent a new wave of cold through them and down Shin's throat.

He forced the Dark climbing inside him to retreat following the movement of his hand getting out of his mouth. It was slow, like it clung to tight flesh and any warmth it could sense, like it wasn't meant to move in that direction, only inwards, conquering ever further. Drifter crushed it under his will anyway, making it happen just so he could release it and let it go back in at full force once he got to wrap his now-slick hand around his own cock and start stroking himself.

* * *

Shin did his best to do as he was told, lave his tongue over and between the fingers despite the frost that was somehow beginning to replace the wet in his mouth and throat. Hollowing his cheeks as best he could, only to whimper in loss as Drifter pulled away. For one long moment, warmth returned to him and it was almost like burning as the cold ripped away from his mouth.

Then, of course, it was back stronger than before and he nearly gagged on the force of it. In his mouth, nose, pressing down his throat and into his belly and lungs. Just sheer icy cold made nearly tangible, clawing its way through veins and arteries until Shin was nothing but a vehicle for it. Mouth working around nothing, thighs shaking imperceptibly and almost glad for the way he was frozen in place if it would only take away some of the strain as Drifter pressed deeper and deeper.

* * *

Drifter was touching and pulling on himself fast and hard, impatient, unable to be touched by the other man himself but getting all of that rich sensory feedback of every inch of flesh his Dark could touch. He leaned in to kiss Shin once more following the rushing back of the cold, sucking at his tongue just to get something to bite down on.

He repeated the retreat with the Dark that moved and wrapped itself around Shin's cock, that pressed into his ass. Held it for a moment longer than he had before, just as he held his hunter's tongue between his teeth, until he tasted blood and moaned long and low, unable to keep it from crashing again against Shin's body with wild, merciless urgency.

* * *

A strangled yelp, even as he opened his mouth wider for Drifter, tongue twitching fruitlessly between sharp teeth. The cold seemed to swell within his throat, coat his tongue and teeth to hold them open, restrict his breath just a little. There might have been tears, it was heard to tell as ice crept slowly up his face and teased around his eyes. His breath no longer clouded the air, barely warm enough for his body to extract the oxygen from it.

His hips ached, the tease and press of dark against him gone for just a moment. Then longer, until he would have been squirming and writhing in search of it if only he could. The noises he was making were hardly coherent, more begging without words. Pain was better than this, untouched and left hanging. When Drifter finally relented, the icy press forcing himself back into the hunter, the scream broke off into relieved moans as he clenched down against it. Nothing but the feel of Drifter's power in him.

* * *

_"I want to not like it, but like that I don't like it."_, Shin had said. Drifter wondered if this qualified, if it was anything like what the hunter had imagined for himself, as he released the tongue from between his teeth to lick at the inside of that wounded, half frozen mouth. Focusing back on the blood while reaching in, inserting himself into the bloodstream, looking to travel into his hunter's heart through pure unabashed willpower.

Those noises, too, _God._ They made the cock in his hand throb and twitch, bringing him closer to a fast approaching peak, the Dark moving harder as if to keep up with the rhythm of the Drifter's hand on himself.

* * *

He didn't have words for all the sensations assaulting him, the way it felt as Drifter poured himself through blood and into bone, tissue, mapping through him and freezing all the while. The movement in his ass, around his cock, everything fading away as he rocked minutely with it. _Millimetres_, more frustrating than satisfying but at least one slight measure of control. Of acceptance, which felt... Oddly important, that he was using his one vector of movement to simply try and take _better_.

He couldn't really think any more, mind overwhelmed and slowly freezing itself, and his chest went cold. Like it was solid, a sickening spark of pain and a low feeling of hallowed dread arising in him. He was, he realised distantly, going to die. And it wouldn't even matter, body still a willing receptacle, still frozen in that same position. Mouth open, ass filled, eyes glazed and blank.

* * *

Drifter could feel himself inside the hunter's chest now, inside his heart, and through it, into every single cell of his body, until he could see him just as well with his eyes closed, feel his entirety even if his hands were nowhere near his physical form. He could feel it as the lungs became unable to take in any more air, the blood slowing to a crawl and then freezing inside his veins, muscles not even able to twitch and tremble anymore. Dying with Drifter inside him, _because_ of Drifter inside him, in some ultimate form of surrender.

The rogue Lightbearer grabbed at Shin's hair in a tight fist, some of it so frozen it broke in his grip, and stood back up to his full height, the other hand on himself twisting and pumping its final efforts. With a hoarse yell, Drifter finally spent himself, come spurting into the hunter's face, into his cheek and chin and mouth frozen half open.

* * *

Slowly, painful in the extreme, he felt something sharp spike behind his ribs. Where the shard sat, burning hot against it all. Felt the cold redouble, pressing through him and pulsing hard and fast inside him in growing waves of jagged ice. He was panting now, barely able to think past arousal and pain and the slow death of muscle and skin. None of it killed the sensation, something beyond the mere flesh of him rendering every wave of pain as if it were a mark on his soul. It hurt, it hurt so badly and he was whining with need for more, almost animal as his jaw froze entirely. Lost the ability to modulate, meaningfully affect tone in any way as he made his guttural moans.

And then, the absence. Heart juddering to a halt, spasming once before the muscle itself fell still. The body tried to breathe harder as panic flooded it, only the collar was throbbing dark and cold against his neck and the air gave _nothing_ besides whistling sensation, lungs slowly halting in turn. The noises quieted too, despite the desperate need welling up within him. All he could do was want, Drifter still curling and pressing within him in every way that set nerves alight, even as they died beneath his skin.

After a long moment, body screaming dimly for air and life and blood, brain still kept nearly free of the creeping death, eyes terrified and fixed desperately on Drifter's face, Shin felt the shard of thorn go cold. Overwhelmed by the dark, perhaps killed outright. And like that, the final protective flame keeping him from death sputtered out, and everything went dark and cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Pressing against you until he fits, until he’s made a place for himself_  
_inside you."_  
\- Richard Siken


	22. Chapter 22

When Shin died, the sensation was like losing a limb, taking a long moment to register and then sudden flooding nothingness where just seconds ago there had been something that felt just like a part of himself.

The Dark roared at him, and in being fed grew stronger and hungrier, wanting to reach so deep into the very existence of the hunter to consume all of it forever. Drifter fell to his knees with what would have been a scream if his lungs had air enough for it. As it was, it became a strangled exhale but burned on his throat.

He forced himself to close his eyes. Counting his breaths, deep and steady. No thoughts, no intent, just reeling all of it back inside his own body, letting it coil around his bones, nest behind his eyes, fill every corner and crevice. Painful, too big for just his own flesh to contain. But away from Shin now, away from the true spark of him, and his Ghost, wherever it was.

* * *

The ghost felt its charge die, the thread connecting them going icy and dark before that familiar sputtering nothing replaced it. That was secondary though to how the fragment lodged behind its eye burned dark and then went cold. It had never been anything but smouldering and hot, an irritant and a reminder of their shared goal/triumph/downfall. This was a shift, and it felt for a long moment something hungry brush against it. Tasting it, maybe. Sampling the light it was made of, the dark it had accepted. More than that though, it felt... victorious. As though the ghost had already lost and simply didn’t know it yet.

It was a moment before the ghost even noticed that Shin was dead, so caught up had it been in the fear/acceptance/challenge. It had gone beyond caring any more, fully aware that if this thing wanted Shin dead then its presence or lack thereof no longer mattered. And it was too old to care about finding a new charge, too set in its ways to raise another new light. Two had been enough.

The tableau it appeared to was lewd, ostentatiously so. It was with an effort that it ignored the dead and cum-spattered face of its first light’s son, the obscene way he was posed, expression pained and empty. Instead it simply looked down at the form beside it, voice dull as it asked “are you done with him now?”

* * *

The voice, sudden and unexpected, shook Drifter to his core, eyes opening immediately, as he wrestled down the instinct to attack, forced tense muscles to relax again. This was Shin's Ghost. This was Shin's father's Ghost, oh, god. Just behave, he told himself, nodding a little as he tucked himself back into his pants.

"Please. Just bring him back." Drifter said, voice rough and rasping on his sore throat. Still trying to fully settle himself down, painfully. He was done with this, had to be, before he became unsafe, but the Lightbearer knew he would never be done with his hunter. He wanted to keep him and kiss him and kill him, forever, always. Right now, most of all, Drifter just wanted him back here with him again.

* * *

Something in the ghost balked at that, bitter and old and done with how much it had had to patch together. How quickly it’d seen its charge deteriorate, spine going soft in a matter of weeks until it was here. Looking at the defiled corpse of a charge it’d known since childhood, felt the light go out in him and come to find him like this. It turned away from Drifter entirely, ran a scan. Scanned again, trying to pin down the sick residue lingering throughout the body. As if it were worked through every cell, over and over.

For a moment, it considered telling that thing that it couldn’t. That Shin wasn’t raisable, that he’d killed him for good and now he could find something else to fuck and murder and leech off. Instead it whirled, eye flaring a little brighter, glaring down at the thing.

“Give me one good reason why I should bother.” One reason why, when all he would do was press himself deeper in until there was no separating them. It should have let Shin stay dead for longer, it thought to itself. Back in those woods. Should have kept the two of them from meeting again, kept the monster hating his charge. He would have gotten over it, stayed away. Learned to live with himself perhaps.

* * *

Those words felt like the floor suddenly disappearing from under him, a wave of nausea slapping him hard, as he snapped his head up to stare at the Ghost, eyes wide and hurt and horrified.

His first instinct was rage. Drifter fucking knew it, Ghosts were nothing but the Traveler's tools, utterly untrustworthy, always. Had been a fool to ever forget it, to get comfortable with their presence, with the idea of either of them dying. This was exactly why, before all of this, he hadn't died himself for years. Couldn't rely on the fuckers for shit, when it came down to it.

Drifter crushed that rage deep within himself, the terrified anger that just wanted him to scream at the little drone, threaten, tell it he would kill it, he would tear it apart and find a way to make it suffer like no Ghost had ever before. But it'd be a transparent bluff, and the Ghost wouldn't like it. They both had to know Drifter wouldn't ever purposefully harm it, not when that would doom Shin.

Instead, he closed his eyes, felt tears he hadn't noticed coming up rolling down his cheeks. Breathed out, a long shaky sigh. He had no leverage here, he knew, but his own offered vulnerability, the truth of him. "I don't know what would be a good reason for you." Agonisingly, he forced himself to open his eyes, look up to it again from his kneeling position on the frozen floor. "But he's the love of my life, and he loves me. Please. I need him."

* * *

It didn’t laugh, hadn’t had the capability or inclination in centuries. The noise it made was drier than any artificial voice had any right being though, and it conveyed the emotion well. It searched back through its files, threw up what it knew would hurt.

A recording of Shin, eyes dull and empty, his demeanour that of a broken man. Barely present, looking directly into the ‘camera’, his voice was quiet and despairing. “Do I own my mind any more?” Tone anticipating the answer, resigned to it.

“He doesn’t,” the ghost said, moving up and away. Out of reach, careful in its motions. “You just really wanted him to. You’re a parasite. A leech. You just attach yourself and take. I don’t think you know what love actually is, you’ve just confused it with your own hunger.”

* * *

God, that hurt. The recording was awful to watch, Shin looking so broken and lost, but at least alive, while dead and defiled in his here and now. What the Ghost said somehow hurt even worse though, cutting deep into the core of him, resonating with all the fears and insecurities already there. Drifter wished he could deny it, wished it didn't feel so true.

"Maybe so. But I'm trying to love him the best way I can. I want to take care of him." Maybe it'd seem laughable to it given the current circumstances, but Drifter was fully, fervently sincere. He swallowed his pride, blinked back more tears. "I'm not above begging. Please. What can I do? What do you want?"

* * *

The ghost flared once more, eye bright and furious before something in it seemed to drain. It didn't think there was anything the thing could give him. Not without denying his nature utterly, and they both knew that would never happen. He was going to take and take, and no amount of threat would pull Shin from his maw; its bluff would be called, and that would be that. Besides, it had already broken Shin perhaps beyond repair. When whatever power the thing exerted over his charge had gone, faded or stretched by absence, the hunter hadn't been functional. Useless, pained and broken inside. The hooks were already sunk deeper than could be removed without lasting damage.

Nonetheless, it wanted to hear it. Wanted to be validated in its disgust. "If I told you you had to renounce any claim?"

* * *

A choked gasp, the idea itself enough to make Drifter feel sick to his stomach. There were very few worse things he could imagine... But Shin dead and gone forever was one of them. He nodded while scrapping together the ability to speak again. "I don't know how it works, not completely, I don't know if it's possible. But I'd try. Yes."

It would mean having to resort to some desperate measures to just maybe manage to avoid his own Worm devouring him. Shin would hate it, he knew that too. He'd suffer so much. But... He'd be alive, and without the claim, and with enough time, enough distance, maybe the hunter would manage to get over it.

Drifter would leave to the outer edges of the known universe once more, unreachable and impossible to find, and leave Shin with the Tower. Ikora already knew there was something going on between the two of them, she might just assume it was all the doing of a man everyone was expecting to be evil anyway, and find a way to deal with it. Shin was of the vanguard now, they would take care of him. He would be ok. He had to be.

* * *

It froze a little, eye dimming. "Good," it said, processing as fast as it could. Hadn't expected that, didn't know what to think. If it was true, if the thing had just convinced himself so thoroughly that he could speak falsehoods like this and believe himself. Or if he really would, if pressed. If it was that or Shin dead forever, maybe he would actually try and pry his teeth free from Shin's throat. Hard to believe, knowing what he'd seen.

It'd felt the depth of that sickness though. How woven into mind and light it had become, more than the ritual with Thorn had ever managed. His charge as he was was more or less dead now, changed utterly by poor decisions made when vulnerable and afraid, capitalised upon by _this_. It should have been there for him better, been less bitter and instead asked why.

"It wouldn't help if you did." A crackle, almost a sigh. "Just know that one day there's going to be nothing left of the child I knew. Because you'll have eaten it all and shoved yourself back into the shell of him. And you'll have to work a lot harder to convince me then." It blinked out, refusing the possibility of any response and erasing the flesh that had been Shin from existence. Forged him into new existence in the sleeping quarters, an unconscious version this time. He'd at least be spared the waking alone, now that he was unable to be happy by himself. Pinged the location to the thing's ghost, half courtesy and half bitter one-upmanship. _I can be better than you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together_  
_to make a creature that will do what I say_  
_or love me back."_  
\- Richard Siken


	23. Chapter 23

The fact that Shin's Ghost disappeared without leaving time for Drifter to reply was alright, because the man had no words with which to respond to that. Just took it in, felt it like a physical hit, heard it echoing inside his mind.

For a long, horrible moment, the Lightbearer looked at the place where Shin's corpse had been, and felt a sudden panic shaking him, thinking maybe the Ghost really had gone and decided not to bring him back after all, not only that but decided to take the hunter's body with him, leave Drifter with nothing to bury. He could feel a scream building up, but it turned into a broken sob of relief once his Ghost indicated to him that Shin was now in the sleeping quarters, unconscious but alive, and safe.

He didn't even remember making his way there, feeling wild and desperate, tears flowing freely but silently now. Shin really was there, lying on top of soft bedding, whole and unhurt, and it really broke Drifter's heart to look at him like this while his Ghost's words were still playing in his head. Maybe it was right, maybe he was just being a selfish monster and it would end up destroying Shin completely. Still crying, still trying extremely hard to keep himself completely quiet, Drifter put a blanket over the hunter and lied down with some space between them. Watching him like he was scared the man would suddenly disappear, but not feeling worthy of touching him, or trying to wake him up.

* * *

When Shin woke, it was to a room that felt warmer than usual. The blanket less comforting, but the air itself bit less harshly against his face, the exposed skin a little less chill. He was puzzled; this didn't feel like resurrection normally did. It felt like waking up from sleep, the return to consciousness gentle. He _had_ died, hadn't he? His heart had stopped, Drifter had frozen it with only a kiss, so why was he not alive again right?

Opening his eyes, puzzlement written on his face where it wasn't pressed into the pillow, he saw Drifter. He didn't look happy, certainly not as he should be after killing Shin. Had he not gotten what he wanted from it? Had it not been good for him in some way? Why wasn't he pressed up against his hunter, all comfortable solidity and safety? Shin reached out, tugged at his arm a little.

"Heya darlin'," he murmured, voice still rough with sleep.

* * *

_Don't start crying_, Drifter harshly told himself. _Don't you fucking do it again._ He had cried on and off all night, stopped for good finally a couple hours back, feeling dry and empty, but now seeing Shin waking up, soft and confused, was threatening to bring it all up again. He forced himself to swallow, trying to clear a throat that suddenly felt too tight, and couldn't help tensing up when the hunter touched him.

"Hey, darlin'." Drifter didn't think he could manage to say anything more right now. Even those two words felt like they came out all rough and wrong, after all that time keeping himself quiet. Being quiet, and looking at the hunter in the dim lighting of the Derelict, or, when that hurt too much, staring at the ceiling. Replaying everything he had done to the man inside his head, going over the Ghost's words time and time again, torturing himself with it all.

* * *

That woke him as nothing else could, the _wrong_ tone of Drifter's words. No gentle teasing, no soft touches. No kisses. It was strange how quickly he'd come to not only seek out affection after he'd been hurt but actively expect it to the point where its absence felt bewildering.

"Was I not good?" Was what came out of his mouth, stupid and childish in its simplicity. He flushed, shoulders tensing. "I mean... Don't look yourself right now darlin'. I do somethin'?" Perhaps he'd found the hunter's frozen body less exciting than he'd expected. Had second thoughts about what he'd done, how Shin would have begged for it if he could. Drifter did that over the strangest things. He reached out again, wanting to shift closer.

* * *

Those words managed to managed to break through to him, horrified at the idea of letting Shin think any of this was his fault, that he could have possibly done anything wrong, and he reached over to pull the hunter against his chest, the block that had kept him from touching him before being overridden by the need to reassure him, to make sure he felt loved and wanted. It should also keep him from seeing the tears that had started to pool in Drifter's eyes again, give him a few seconds to get a fucking handle on himself, c'mon.

He only spoke once he thought he could do so without his voice breaking. "You're so good, sweetheart, you were perfect. You always are."

Drifter would tell him, he'd explain everything to him. He just needed a minute, that was all. A minute to hold Shin and breathe and try to untangle the mess of self-hatred and panic inside his head.

* * *

Oh, good. He relaxed a little, snuggling closer to Drifter and wrapping his arms around him. Tilting his head to slot beneath Drifter's chin, a contented noise already hovering at the back of his throat. He hadn't forgotten that worry, but having Shin in his arms, happy and safe, it normally helped Drifter. Got him out of his head, made him feel better about the world. And Shin wanted him to know exactly how lovely it was to be able to wrap himself around him, the pleasure it brought him to be held safe and secure in his arms. If that was all he could do for the Lightbearer for now, he'd happily do it.

"Thank you," he murmured against Drifter's chest, brushing lips against him. "Love you."

* * *

Oh, that hurt. That hurt like actual hell. He couldn't let himself stop to think about it, because then he would break down, and it would make Shin worry. He didn't want to scare him. So instead he just closed his eyes tight for a few moments, thinking of nothing but his own breathing, until the screaming behind his eyes settled down a little.

"I love you so much." Drifter hoped his voice sounded normal enough, despite the way his mouth tasted like it was full of ash. _He doesn't_, the Ghost had said, _You just really wanted him to._ Maybe it was true, maybe it had been right about everything.

Yeah, he really had to catch Shin up before he absolutely lost it seemingly without any context. "I'm so sorry. I... After I killed you, your Ghost really wasn't happy about it." That was one way to put it, sure. Finding the right words for it was so hard. "It talked like it might not even bring you back, and I just-"

The Lightbearer had to stop speaking, biting his lip, hard, to avoid a sob breaking out.

* * *

The silence stretched out just a little too long for Shin's tastes, just enough to worry him more. If Drifter was thinking that hard about something so simple and obvious, things weren't good. Even nuzzling his face against Drifter as he spoke didn't help, and Shin was at a loss. The affirmative, the confirmation of love, it was good. But he knew it without needing to be told, it wasn't the main point.

Then Drifter kept speaking and Shin grew cold. Part of it that bone-aching fear from childhood, that he'd done Wrong and a... Parental figure? Was displeased. His ghost was angry with him. The other part was anger, indignation, because it wasn't only angry with Shin, it was angry with Drifter. And it had waited until he was gone to do anything about it, like the little manipulator it had always been. The two of them matched well, both liars to the core. How dare it. How _dare_ it?

He swallowed down that biting fury, burrowed closer to Drifter. "It's ok. It's ok love, I'm here. It's a liar, we're both liars, I'm not going anywhere I promise-" babbling mostly, hushed reassurances repeated as if they would soothe better like that.

* * *

The reassurance was good, and so was feeling Shin closer, warm again, alive and safe. No matter what, Drifter had that. His hunter was ok, and he was here. He nodded fervently, kissed the top of Shin's head, breathed in with his face pressed into soft hair.

"What I did, what it said about it all, I can't..." A shaky inhale, a little whine. He was making no sense, and that wasn't likely to get better any time soon. "I'm sorry. There's- There's a camera on that room during usual gambit times, so the conversation, it's recorded. I could show you?"

He waited for the hunter's response. Drifter had realised there had been a camera recording there at some point during the night, got his Ghost to make a hard copy of the whole thing to store in a safe, keep a copy of what had happened after Shin's death stored in itself, and otherwise delete it completely from the Derelict's computers.

* * *

... well, the idea that the whole thing was on tape was one that Shin was going to come to terms with later, he decided. Flushed a little deeper at the thought. But he pulled away a little to look at Drifter's face, the tear tracks and how broken the man looked. Raised both hands to his face, used his thumbs to try wipe away the tears before bringing him in for a kiss. He was doing his best to bury that anger deep down, for Drifter's sake at least. It wasn't useful, wasn't rational. What was done was done, he just needed to fix it.

Pulling away again, the hunter nodded. "I'd like to see it," he agreed. "Wanna understand what's happening here."

* * *

He didn't deserve that kiss, didn't deserve the hunter being so sweet to him. Drifter was a mess and he could barely think straight and god, not having slept at all probably wasn't helping. He kissed Shin back anyway, because he _was_ selfish and horrible and the soft affectionate contact soothed the pain in his chest like nothing else could.

When Shin agreed to see it, the Lightbearer nodded, sitting up a little as he mentally called for his Ghost. The little drone appeared, swirling its shell with a buzz. Drifter got the feeling it wasn't a big fan of the other Ghost acting all superior, and just generally wasn't pleased with having to deal with any drama. It readily projected the footage, though, for both of them to watch.

Drifter could feel himself tensing up, trembling. Maybe Shin would end up realising the Ghost was right, that Drifter was a monster destroying everything that the hunter had been, that he was. Just like Drifter had destroyed everything else he'd ever thought he loved.

* * *

Shin watched the footage with a deceptive calm, hand shifting to curl through Drifter's hair. Just stroking gently, without thought. Something to distance him a little from the video, help to maintain his attention while giving him something positive to focus on.

He thought as he watched. About the shame that burned just a little over being seen like that by the ghost. That was fair, it was entitled to that upset. Didn't know how to help with it, but he got the issue. Thought about being left dead without warning or discussion because his partner ghost didn't like his choices. About it being brought up over his head with the man who killed him, something that had made Shin and Drifter good and happy twisted like that. Thought about how the ghost had gotten every one of Drifter's insecurities and worries from watching him with Shin, making notes on how to hurt the man he loved. Thought about how it felt to be spoken over again and again without ever even asking him what he thought or why he did what he did.

He thought maybe a little longer than he should, still carding fingers gently through Drifter's hair after the video had ended.

"Y'know," he began calmly, voice managing not to betray the depths of the frustration he was feeling, "I was goin' over stuff in my head before an' I realised somethin'. Was gonna share it with you soon but everything happened an' there wasn't the time. But I remember when you were gone, an' I was broken up inside sure. Hurt like hell. An' the claim you had on me was gone, like I was just a person an' not owned, an' it was hell 'cause there was nothin' helping me. You were gone, you weren't doing shit." He inhaled, trying to calm his voice a little.

"An' I remember kneelin' on the floor for hours, promising the world I'd give anythin' to get you back and wonderin' how I could love you so damn much that it hurt. An' I didn't feel a lick of worm dark that entire time, so next person who says I don't love you for real I'm gonna punt into the fuckin' sun." He bit off the end of the sentence, shoulders tense and jaw set in stubborn defiance.

* * *

Drifter was just so scared, but the hand in his hair helped ground him while the video was playing. Once it was over, his Ghost wasted no time in making itself scarce again, probably much preferring to go comb through Gambit data than dealing with any of this, which was fair.

He didn't know how to feel when Shin didn't start talking as soon as the video ended, though. It was natural that the hunter needed time to think, and at least he was still gently stroking his hair through it. Even in terrified anticipation, at least he could have this little moment, no matter what happened next.

And then Shin did talk, and Drifter listened hanging onto his every word, practically holding his breath. There was something the hunter wanted to share with him, and so he wanted to know desperately.

What he said, though... It took a few long moments to really sink in, the meaning of it slowly taking form in his stubborn brain, and Drifter stared at his hunter in open wonder. "Are you sayin' I didn't make it happen at all? Didn't force the idea into your head?" He sounded stupid, it felt like, lightheaded with some sudden strange cocktail of relief, hope, incredulity, happiness, and so much more, all indivisible and hitting him at the same exact time. "You just love me for real anyway." It was more of a whispered realisation than a question, said almost shyly, with more of that trembling wonder heavy in his voice.

* * *

Exhaling slow, Shin took in the look on Drifter's face. Fuck. It'd really got to him, hadn't it? The idea that he'd made Shin like this, even if it had only ever come from inside his head.

"Yeah hon, I love you. Just me, I'm damn sure." Drifter had just hit him with the idea at the worst time, when he was all doubts and pain and vulnerability and Shin had been willing to accept a lot of shit about his own head that in hindsight, had just been the other panicking as he was wont to do. He pressed a kiss to Drifter's forehead, as if it could banish those poisonous thoughts from him. Keep them at bay for as long as Shin was here to remind him.

"Darlin', I love you so much it scares me sometimes alright?" He nuzzled at the man's cheek, pressing another kiss to it. "An' as for the rest of it, it's got a hell of a nerve talkin' like that about you makin' decisions for me when it's goin' around handin' out threats like that without sayin' it to my face."

* * *

It felt like a miracle that he wasn't already sobbing again, with relief and happiness flooding him the way they were. Drifter kept repeating it to himself in his head, as his brain tried to work through the repercussions of it. Shin _loved_ him. All on his own. Meant he'd chosen to stay himself, chosen to wear Drifter's ring, chosen to wear his collar. God. It was almost too big to really grasp, the kisses and affectionate gestures given a new dimension under this light, and Drifter melted into them completely.

"I love you so much." He echoed, practically clinging to his hunter now, pressing himself close. "I just- I just wanted you back. I would have done anythin'." But of course, Shin must have seen that on the video, that defeated willingness. He closed his eyes, sighed shakily. "I think... I really think your Ghost hates me, and that's fair, but I think it's also just been so worried about you, Shin. Y'might have to talk it out."

* * *

"I know love, I know." He pulled Drifter closer, pressed kiss after kiss to him. Hesitated. But no, it probably wasn't helpful to say what he felt, that if the cost was Drifter then it was better to stay dead. It was what he felt, deep down and clawing through him, a bone-aching terror at the thought of being left as he'd been when Drifter was gone, of there being no relief from it. Being not only alone but deliberately cut off without hope of reunion.

He'd probably just keep dying until he could finally pull the nerve to take the ghost with him, or until it gave up and let it stick. Or just keep going deeper and more dangerous until something big and ugly took him out without hope of resurrection.

He closed his eyes, kissed into Drifter's mouth long and slow. Let him bleed away the anger and frustration after being basically ignored by the thing for this long. "I'm not goin' anywhere, love. And... Yeah. I'll give it a go." Yeah, they'd be having words.

* * *

After thinking that he might never see Shin again, and then spending the whole night panicked and afraid, being held close and kissed and reassured like that felt almost too good to be true. But Drifter didn't have the energy to overthink it at all right now, nothing but relief and acceptance.

He kissed the hunter back, opening his mouth for him, eyes fluttering closed, losing himself into it for a long, wonderful moment, that nonetheless felt too short. But it was easier to believe Shin would be going nowhere, just staying right here with him, after a kiss like that. "Thank you. I guess, just. Lemme know how I can help?" He bit his lip, looked away. "I dunno, if it wants to talk t'me again or somethin'. If there's anythin' I can do to clear the air a bit."

The Ghost clearly loathed Drifter, thought he was a monster, so it might not like the idea anyway. But if it was important for Shin, Drifter would try anything to make it better.

* * *

Shin exhaled slowly, wanting to press himself closer and closer into Drifter until they were one flesh and the man could _feel_ that his hunter was with him forever. He ran his free hand against Drifter's chest, felt the movement of his chest and the beat of his heart. Focused, tried to match them. Breathing with him, curling fingertips against fabric. Still warmer than usual, as though he were flushed all over with something Shin couldn't understand. More likely the hunter was just cold, the chill press of Drifter inside him lingering.

He sighed. "Can do it now if you want. Right now I want you as far away from it as possible though, don't wanna give it any more chances to throw that shit at you." A breath. "I wanna make you feel good. Don't know how t' do that though." Kissing, holding him close, saying he loved him, it all felt inadequate.

* * *

"I can handle it." Drifter said immediately. With Shin there with him, that hand like a heavy reassurance against his chest, he felt strong against, regaining his calm with every passing minute. "Please. Don't worry about me."

If Shin thought talking to his Ghost now would help, then that's what they'd do, and Drifter would happily take anything the drone would throw his way. After all, he now knew Shin loved him, _really_ loved him, and anything else they could figure out together.

Drifter smiled a little at his next words. Only his hunter would still be thinking about how to make him feel good after all he had done already, and the gift his mere presence felt like, after having thought he might never be able to enjoy being in each other's arms like this again. "You already are. Don't gotta do a thing, sweetheart."

* * *

He closed his eyes, tried not to feel the loss of the hours of kissing and cuddling that could've been. Pressed Drifter down against the mess of blankets, kissed deep into him just so he could feel the soft flesh yielding beneath him. Still stroking through his hair, palm pressed to his chest, the line of him melding close and warm against Drifter's body.

Then, regretfully, he drew back. Separated himself from his home in Drifter's flesh, lingering just a little before he stood. Raised his head, held out his hand as the silent demand that every guardian used. _Come here, I want you_.

It took a moment, and his ghost appeared above his hand. Eye burning, shell separated in sheer tension until the core was visible through the cracks.

* * *

For a few long moments, as he was being softly held down and kissed so sweetly, Drifter thought Shin had decided to ignore what he'd said and just kiss him until he was too distracted to protest, wanting to simply forget the whole thing for a while. It would probably have worked, too.

Except Shin finally pulled back, leaving Drifter biting the inside of his cheek to discreetly quiet down a noise of needy protest at the loss of the caresses and the warm body pressing into his. It was what he'd asked for, he reminded himself, sitting up. Holding his breath just for a moment as he saw the Ghost appear, panic churning low in his stomach. It looked angry, still, even after having had hours to process everything.

"Thanks for comin'." Drifter said, voice sounding smaller than he'd liked. Stupid, maybe, but he wanted to show he was making an effort here.

* * *

He and the ghost looked at Drifter for a moment. The ghost incredulous, the hunter a little besotted. Still having trouble suppressing a smile though, fingers twitching with the urge to press against Drifter's lips. Then faded as he turned back to the ghost, expression hardening.

"Anything you wanna say to explain yourself?" He asked, voice icy as could be.

The ghost gazed at him, shell jittering. Fear? Anger? Disgust? It was hard to tell. It stayed silent, and he curled fingers around it. Not hard, just gripping it. Keeping it in place.

"If you got an issue, you say it to my _face_ before you decide I'm too pitiful to be left alive," he managed, voice icy cold. "You don't go over my head and threaten someone who's been tryin' to keep me fuckin' sane, alright?"

The ghost flickered, gaze switching between him and Drifter until he tightened his grip and pressed a little light into it. Disappointment/frustration/betrayal, thick and oozing from him. When he was _dead_, it'd done it when he was **_dead_**.

Its eye flickered once more before it spoke. "My business wasn't with you."

* * *

Feeling all eyes on him wasn't exactly helping him feel more at ease, but at least Shin's expression seemed encouraging enough. Right. Yeah, he could do this.

He stayed silent for the moment, letting Shin lead the conversation. The hunter knew how to best speak to his Ghost, he assumed. And yeah, of course he seemed angry - Drifter couldn't even imagine how he'd feel if his own Ghost tried to make decisions like this on its own. Or, God forbid, tried to interact with Shin and made him suffer. But they were a pretty unique case, really, and the mere idea of it seemed ridiculous. Which made it even harder to know how to even handle this.

"You coulda talked to me anytime." Drifter replied, simply. It was true enough. Would he have listened, knowing how little he liked to interact with Ghosts? Without the very urgent circumstances and threats it had actually chosen? Drifter would like to think he would have tried, yes, because it was about Shin. He gave the little drone a half smile, no malice in it, just an awkward attempt to reach out. "But y'know what they say, no time like the present."

* * *

"You coulda talked to _me_," he added, hurt showing through in his voice. It had been ignoring him, refusing to talk to him for _weeks_ and he'd been trying to reach out as best he could.

The ghost's shell slammed together, preventing any vulnerability from showing. "You haven't made a single decision you even _think_ he'd disagree with since he decided he owned you," it pointed out, voice acid. "You decided yourself that you weren't in charge of your life or choices. So I went to your _owner_. Isn't that what you wanted? Not to have to do anything hard like make a single decision without his approval?"

Shin flinched bodily, swallowing. It wasn't wrong, but it still felt wrong. This was his ghost. They should have... He was family, it should have cared about that. At least tried.

* * *

Drifter gritted his teeth, forced his breath to stay regular and steady. He could handle the Ghost being hostile to him, saying whatever it wanted about him, but it was harder not to lose his temper when it was Shin it was speaking to this way. However, there was just no way becoming angry would be helpful now, so he restrained himself best he could.

"It's not... It ain't like that." The Lightbearer said, calmly. Sure, you could call the way he'd made the claim 'deciding' he owned the hunter, but it simply wouldn't work if Shin hasn't accepted it, sought it out, and submitted himself to it every single step of the way. And the Ghost was trying to make all of it sound so horrible and evil Drifter could barely stand it. "Maybe you'd understand if you had spoken to us, instead of comin' to your own conclusions just watching from the outside."

* * *

It whirled, jittering. "Please. Explain to me how every time you kill my charge, desecrate his corpse, make me pull him back so you can hurt him again... Tell me now that isn't just feeding the thing eating you. Making you want to hurt him _more_." It pulled up the footage of Drifter, terrified and desperate over the corpse of Shin after even an accidental killing. Cut it off, threw up image after image of Drifter hesitating less and less. Killing Shin over and over, every time more thrilled until he was staring down at cooling cum on his charge's face and the feed corrupted into nothing.

Whipped back to Shin, furious. "You don't _care._ Tell me, what do you have to explain this? You love him? You can't cope without him? _That didn't save your father you ungrateful-_" it choked, eye dimming.

* * *

Closing his hands into tight fists, the Lightbearer watched the video the Ghost was pulling up. Shin dying, by his hand. "You ain't wrong, not entirely. But I wouldn't do it if I thought I couldn't control myself. That's why I did less before, not because it wasn't just as hungry for it." That, and the fact the the Deep inside Drifter knew he owned Shin, and going too far with him would erase any future tribute it might otherwise get. The hunter was actually safer like this, than he had been when they really had started to get properly involved, but bringing that up didn't feel very helpful.

"God, stop! What the _hell_!" Drifter all but screamed, horrified, interrupting the Ghost. He had some sympathy for how hard it must have been for it to lose Shin's father as well, but using it against his hunter like this? That was going too far. "I am not Yor. Neither is Shin. You can't, that ain't fucking fair. I think you know that."

Even if it did, it was clearly terrified of going through the same situation again, and Drifter doubted it would admit to it.

* * *

The ghost failed then, falling silent as dark and light pulsed over it. Drawing on its own dark, just a little. "Neither of you knew Yor." Unspoken was the implication. Sometimes it saw Shin move, without even a hint of dark in him, and saw Jaren in his hands and smile and the way his breath stopped for a moment before leaving him all at once. Sometimes he saw Rezyl in the stretch of his shoulders, the focus with which he set himself on a goal. And sometimes he saw Yor in the dead hunger of him as he struck another lightbearer and ghost down.

It shuddered. Thinking hard, Shin running fingers over the material of its shell in a gesture of thoughtless unconscious comfort. He was good in that way, caring. Had to hold onto that.

"I don't understand," it managed, broken. "I don't understand and you keep breaking and dying and you wanted me to let you die forever barely more than a fortnight ago."

* * *

A shake of his head. The Ghost might have known him, but Drifter didn't think it understood why Yor had turned the way he had. After this long submerged in the Deep, Drifter felt he had a good idea of it. "Yor was walkin' into the Dark alone. We're not." They were together, could rely on each other. They often had found some sort of balance already. Pulled each other back from the worst of it.

Drifter couldn't avoid wincing in pain when he heard that. Shin wanting to die forever, maybe even asking his Ghost for it. It was a horrible idea, made him feel so sick, visibly upset. That might be one Shin needed to try to answer himself.

* * *

Shin swallowed, eyes fixed on the on the ground. Ashamed really. Drifter had nothing to say, and Shin didn't know that he could fill that silence. He'd been so ashamed and horrified with himself, wanted himself dead and gone so he wouldn't have to feel that writhing corruption in him. He'd... Misunderstood, not fully comprehended what was happening. Or perhaps he'd just been right, and had come to terms with his monstrosity. Hard to tell.

"You said no." He replied after a moment, throat choked. "You wouldn't let me." Shin's fingers stroked his ghost, pained in the movement of them. "It's always been your choice if you want me gone, _always_. I just... I don't understand why you wouldn't say if I'm not worth keepin' around."

He'd been aware that he was living on someone else's time for a while now.

Ghost shuddered in his grip. "I didn't mean it," it admitted, feeling fingers close around it. "Just wanted him to be scared."

* * *

For a moment, Drifter closed his eyes, trying to deal with both the anger he had felt towards the Ghost, and the desperate gratitude now bursting in his chest, for having kept Shin alive when the man had wanted to be gone forever. Selfish, maybe, but the feeling was still there.

The idea of Shin thinking he might ever be not worth keeping around was like a punch to the stomach, made him open his eyes again. Drifter was so glad the Ghost confirmed it didn't really mean that, that he didn't even care about the rest of it.

"That's alright. It ain't like I don't deserve it." He knew fear, he could cope with being scared. If leaving him with some panic and suffering had made it feel any better, if it helped its relationship with Shin in some way, Drifter would take it. "Sure worked, too. Scared the shit outta me, can tell ya that."

* * *

"Ghost." He pressed the shell to his lips, then forehead. It was cool against his skin. "I love you so much, you're family. But I can't do shit to make up for the ways I hurt you if you won't tell me them. And you don't get a vote in how we live life if you don't speak up when those decisions get made." He tried not to show how bad it hurt that he'd been hurting something he cared about like this.

"S'not fair to hurt Drifter outta spite either," he added, swallowing. "He was the reason I started wantin' to live again after that and you know it." He opened his palm, an offering to the ghost. let it fly free if it wanted to.

* * *

The Lightbearer watched Shin interact with his Ghost in a way that was so soft and full of love, it made adoration rise above every other emotion he'd been feeling, written plain in his eyes and his face. Shin could disagree all he liked, but there was so much good in him. Not even what the Light considered good, but something deeper, genuine, real.

And what he said, God. The reason he had started wanting to live again. It made him sad and profoundly moved and a little proud all at once. Itching to pull the man close, kiss him, tell him over and over how fucking glad he was that Shin hadn't died back then. But he was behaving, concentrating on what the actual point of the conversation was. "I understand why you did it. 'S alright. But I was honest with you then, can be honest now. If you've got any questions. Concerns, anythin'." A small shrug.

* * *

The ghost stayed settled on his palm. Trying to offer a little trust to make things easier between them. Shell fluttering, just a little fearful. It sighed.

"I don't know if I'm missing something," it admitted, the acknowledgement sounding difficult, "but from outside looking in, it doesn't look good. You've been pretty stable for decades Shin. Not... Not as happy as I wanted sometimes, but focused. And then you ran back into each other and that's just _gone_." More breakdowns than a rusty old sparrow was more like it. "And every time things have gone bad you've gotten more dependent. You'd have hated that a month ago, and I don't know if I'm meant to be feeding it or calling it out here." Another sigh. "I can try understand but you have to admit, it looks... Unhealthy."

A hesitation, flickering to Drifter. "And I can admit I only know how dark works for him, not you. But I have to come out every time you want him back, and no offence but it is _not fun_ not knowing if you're gonna try eat me too every time, and it makes it hard as hell to want to be charitable towards you."

* * *

Unhealthy. Drifter almost wanted to laugh at that, feeling just a little bit manic. He had a Worm inside him and extradimensional godbeings stabbed through his brain. Healthy hadn't been an option for him in a long, long time.

And yet. Since Shin had moved into the Derelict, his routine had become arguably healthier than it had been in decades. Proper meals at almost set times and more sleep than he would have thought possible a month ago. "I don't know about healthy, but I know we're tryin' our best here. Buildin' somethin' that does work, for us. I don't see what's so bad 'bout that."

As for trying to eat it, well. "Won't deny what's inside me hasn't been hungry for it. But it doesn't call the fuckin' shots, I do. And I don't wanna hurt ya."

* * *

Shin nodded slowly, fingers coming slowly back round it to keep it secure in place. Running fingertips back over it, feeling the shiver of metal and light against him.

"I can get how it looks bad from outside," he said slowly. "But you said yourself I wasn't happy. And it's taken a bit to get back that equilibrium, sure. But I wasn't bsafe beforehand. In any way. And I am now, and I'm happy a bunch of the time when I thought I wouldn't get that." A pause. "I'm gonna send some memories your way, that help?" Give some context for this.

The ghost registered assent, and Shin thought for a moment. Sent not the highest or the lowest moments, but the ones of contentment. Comfort. Watched them grow from something terrified and clinging to something expected. Sent what he remembered of his thoughts and feelings at the moments of change, good or bad. When he was done, they exchanged a look and the ghost settled some.

After a moment, it came to a decision. "I don't want to hurt you either," it directed to Drifter. "And I can see I don't understand everything I thought I did. I still don't like everything I do understand, but..." It sighed. "You make your own choices."

* * *

Drifter felt so proud of his hunter. Actually finding a way to explain things a little, making an effort to talk things out. He was better at that too, these days. It seemed to help the Ghost some too, which was definitely good.

"Thank you." He said, with a nod. Drifter thought about how that was something that they actually had in common, having to learn to respect Shin's choices, believe what he was saying, even when they thought they were in a position to know better. "I appreciate that, truly."

Mostly, he was happy for Shin. It really had to be a huge way off his shoulders. Not a blessing of their relationship, exactly, but the Lightbearer would settle for acceptance for now.

* * *

The ghost pressed down against his palm for a moment, the motion of physical closeness and affection rare to say the least. Neither of them touched much, not before this had all happened anyway. Felt like some kind of something though. It flickered out again, talking done as far as it was concerned, and Shin did his best to let go of the lingering hurt. He sent a silent promise to let it in if it asked, next time it started getting hurt over his decisions. They both needed to communicate a lot better, it seemed.

Once it was gone he _did_ visibly relax though. Tension draining from his shoulders, eyes closing for a moment. Reopening them, he moved to where Drifter was. Wanted that physical affection.

* * *


	24. Chapter 24

That had gone pretty well, really, all things considered. Drifter was glad that it was over, though, relieved that he didn't have to watch himself as closely anymore, didn't have to stop himself from touching Shin to avoid making things awkward. He opened his arms as his hunter approached, thankful that the man seemed to want the same thing he did, and pulled him in close against his chest.

"'M so proud of you, darlin'." Drifter murmured, kissing his cheek, nuzzling softly against it. "That couldn't have been easy, 'n you did so well."

* * *

"Right back at you," Shin murmured, moving into Drifter like he was made to be there. "Sorry you ever had to deal with any of this." Fuck, it had been so dysfunctional how things had gone. None of it should have happened, and it still burned a little. Ashamed for the both of them that he'd been deemed unnecessary to the conversation, had had to demand to be a part of it at all when it was _him_ and his life at stake. Like a kid, pushed out of the adult conversations. But it was ok now, it was fine. They'd worked things out and it would be ok. It had to be.

He paused, a smile curling against his lips. "Hey darlin', you know somethin'?" Shin turned, pressed a chaste kiss to the man's lips. "I love you." It was almost sing-song, teasing, just enjoying it with his arms wound up against the back of him. Being able to say it like that, know it for truth and know how it made Drifter feel.

* * *

"Don't be sorry." Drifter said, kind but firm. He wouldn't have Shin feeling bad about getting him involved. Drifter had asked to do this and be here for it. "I said I want you, always, and that includes all of it. Includes this. You don't ever gotta deal with anythin' alone again, unless y'want to."

After that little, comfortable pause, Shin smiled and it made Drifter's heart swell in his chest, the kiss silencing him before he had a chance to ask what it was, and then those words, that tone, left him speechless for a good few seconds anyway. Felt himself flush red like he hadn't ever heard his hunter say it before. And in a way, it did feel new, being told he was loved without feeling that second-guessing sadness in the back of his mind. Really knowing it. "Love you more." He murmured, voice quiet and rough with reverence, almost bashful, that something so simple could affect him like this.

* * *

Shin had to give into it, that energy filling him as Drifter promised him so much. Had to lift him up and spin him round, hold him in his arms and press him against his chest as though his heart would burst from it and only Drifter could keep it in there. Then, once he'd let Drifter back down to his feet, he pulled him down into a kiss. Shifting his hands up to cup his face, eyelids flickering shut just to feel the sensation more strongly.

Light was bursting through him, joyful and uncontrolled, except that every point where Drifter's skin met his own was cool and drank at it. Kept it from overwhelming him, kept him balanced on the edge of delight without burning too strong to handle.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer gave into the movement, with breathless delighted laughter. He realised, as he was left on his feet again, that he hadn't for a fraction of a second thought of the unexpected move as an attack, like he certainly would have even a couple weeks back, at least briefly. Marvelling at it a little.

Sure, maybe they physically hurt each other worse these days, but it was all part of that same trust that hadn't been there ever before. Trust to let the other destroy them in certain moments, and trust to understand intrinsically that they wouldn't be harmed during times like these.

Drifter kissed his hunter back, melting into the touch, warm and bright and leaving a clean taste of summer in his mouth, open sky and sunlight, his own arms wrapping around Shin's waist.

* * *

He broke the kiss, fingers fluttering against Drifter's skin in excitement, feeling something bright beating in time with his heart. Broke apart from him by a bare millimetre, just enough to speak. Needed him to know, to tell him how this felt.

"You make me," he said, words dripping from him like molten gold, light still staining his mouth and lips, "so happy." He didn't have grand words for it, the press of wordless joy against his soul hopefully tangible. He didn't understand how they connected sometimes, but this was Shin's and that meant it was Drifter's and so he had to know didn't he? The hunter pressed back in, mouth opening to breathe curling heat into him and take Drifter inside him in turn.

* * *

Drifter felt that happiness on him, beaming from the hunter, warming right up into the marrow of him. It was nothing but pure depth of feeling, so sincere and strong that it almost hurt. He was too close to observe it properly, but he could swear the man was shining - Like something radiant, something sacred.

God. If Shin wanted, he could burn me from the inside out like this, Drifter thought, moaning into the kiss, feeling that heat spread into him. He'd let him, too, didn't doubt that for a second. He didn't want to pull back from the kiss to speak, and had no words that felt nearly good enough anyway, but he hoped his hunter knew exactly how happy he made Drifter too. Hoped he'd get the opportunity to show him, over and over again.

* * *

Shin lowered one hand, took Drifter by the waist and pressed him close against him. Humming low in his chest, rumbling gently against his lover's lips, still swaying back and forth slightly in the warm light. He could feel the press of ownership, oddly light against his throat, cold beneath the leather binding. His other hand worked through Drifter's hair, angled him oh so gently so that he could press their tongues together, swallow down those moans and let himself bask in the knowledge that he would never be alone.

For a moment, he considered simply giving it all up. Leaving, taking their ships and simply skipping to the edges of the solar system. Shin there at his beck and call, Drifter's weapon with which they'd map out new worlds. It was a heady thought, seductive in its simplicity. Shin could give tribute every day, every breath. Drifter would keep him balanced.

But then, there was a joy in this too. In routine, the day to day. Coming home from work, domestic though it might sound, and knowing they'd both been thinking of each other while apart. So he just poured that willingness through him, his blissful joy in every moment of being Drifter's. Even in death, he was sure his body loved and knew whose it was.

* * *

Letting himself be moved, opening up to the hunter and swaying a little with him, Drifter realised he felt warmer than he had in a long time. Not in an unpleasant way, either, despite his layers of clothing, and he vaguely wondered if his own body would be more attuned to Shin's fire the way the other man seemed to have been with his cold. There was something appealing about the idea, their Light and Dark intermingling and recognising a part of their source in the body of the other.

Drifter had to pull away just a little to gasp for breath, immediately going back to press a series of smaller kisses to his hunter's mouth, unwilling to stay away for more than one second to get little bits of air each time. "God. You're- Just incredible." The Lightbearer breathed out, a couple of words each time, in between kisses.

* * *

He bit lightly against the corner of the man's mouth, smiled in a way that could only be described as besotted. It hurt a little, a soft ache behind his ribs. The shard had been quiet, cooled with the rest of him; it hadn't hurt him since he'd felt it sputter and fail against that cold. The power was still there, but it was like he'd softened the edges of it.

He didn't have words, not that made sense. An outpouring of joy and love and aching melancholy that wished they could stay in this moment forever and knew it simply wasn't possible.

Thinking about those responsibilities though, brought up other concerns. Not least what the kids would think; if he didn't miss his mark, he'd been let sleep for a while after Drifter had frozen him. So, more rumours. The only question would be what kind. A half smile curled against Drifter's skin, tentative. Didn't want to ruin the mood with it, but at the same time... "You know," he murmured, "you don't have to. But roughin' me up might give the kids somethin' to talk about. "

* * *

Another little gasp, and a happy hum when he leaned in for yet another kiss and felt the curve of Shin's smile against his lips. He'd be content staying just like this all day, nothing but this soft closeness, but Shin seemed to have something else in mind.

"Give 'em somethin' to talk 'bout? Since when d'ya want the kids talkin' about you at all?" Drifter's tone was just a little teasing, eyebrows raised, eyes bright and affectionate. He'd already made his decision of letting Shin lead on what kind of image they presented to the Tower anyway, though, since he valued his reputation more and had the most to lose out of the two of them.

* * *

A laugh at that, a flat press of Shin's palm at the Lightbearer's waist. Thumb sweeping gentle over the line of his hip, hair brushing against his forehead. "Darlin', you acted like you were gonna give me hell after that match 'n then I didn't come back," he pointed out, hand running slowly over Drifter's head. Through his hair, over and over. Soft, gentle movements. "They're gonna be talkin', no matter what. Just depends what you want 'em to be talkin' about."

He hesitated, the ache intensifying for a moment. "Y'know I'd stop hidin' it if you really wanted, right?" He pressed, pulling Drifter in close. "'M not ashamed of you. God but I wanna yell from the rooftops sometimes that I got you and everyone else can go to hell." Another quick press of lips. "We just... Put a lotta work into this balance."

* * *

Oh, yeah, he'd kinda forgotten about that a bit. Felt like so much had happened since then, in just a few hours, that that gambit match seemed more distant to him than it would be for anyone else.

"Well. Those kids y'were teamed up with sure were lookin' at you funny as soon as y'all loaded in. They might talk, but honestly, after that display in Gambit? Bet y'could direct it to be about just that." God, but Drifter was still just so proud of his hunter for that. He'd been a goddamn force of nature, breath-taking.

Drifter did freeze just a little bit listening to Shin then, just because of how little he was expecting to hear that. Still kept surprising him, somehow. "Shin, no, you don't... Don't worry about what I want, 's fine." The Lightbearer leaned in to kiss his neck, being pulled close, nuzzling at the soft skin with a small sigh. "I know it's important t'you, y'don't like folks knowin' things, and that's fine." A small pause, a little kiss on his jawline. "Might have been shuttin' up a couple loudmouth guardians that got a lil' too much into gossiping 'bout it." Nothing much, really. Mostly some loot, promises of double motes in Gambit, or light threats. Wasn't his first rodeo controlling the spread of rumours.

* * *

A surge of affection at that, hurting just a little as it rose to his throat. "I 'preciate that," he said honestly. "More 'n you can know." More hesitation, not knowing quite how to say what had been simmering in his head. "I just, I don't want you to think I'm not... Fuck, you know I love the hell outta you." They had, at least, established that beyond doubt. "Don't want you to think I'm not so proud that you wanna have me, that I think you're shameful or-" he broke off, tucked his chin against Drifter's shoulder as he held him close. "If you want people to know, they can know."

It'd be... Well, it'd be his own exercise in hurt, being watched and known and scrutinised more than should be. "Just... Don't know, how this looks from outside. If people started lookin' close." Ghost had hated it, maybe everyone else would think them sick or broken without knowing the truth of it. Scared him some, that.

* * *

He chuckled lightly, running hands up and down Shin's back. Trying to erase any tension there, make him relax a bit more into his touch. "Darlin', y'know they'd think you've lost your goddamn mind." And Drifter couldn't blame them, really. They didn't know shit. But he didn't want his hunter having to deal with that. The looks, comments, questions. "Wanna know what one of these punks said?" Lips curved in a half smile as he remembered it, amusement clear in his voice. "She said she didn't believe the rumour, 'cause it made no sense, but that if it ain't bullshit ya could do so much better, and should maybe try datin' Shaxx instead." He turned to hide a little huff of a laugh against dark hair. Drifter knew exactly what a lot of guardians thought of him, and it wasn't pretty, so he'd rather not have that splashing back to Shin.

Of course, there were little things about the idea that made it tempting. Being able to talk about the man he loved openly. Not watching his reactions all the time. Holding hands while walking through the Tower. Spending time together in the annex, waiting for any kids that might drop by.

Sure, that was nice to think about, but Shin sounded so hesitant and almost afraid then that Drifter forced himself to leave the idea immediately. "It's alright." He just held the man, pressed a kiss to his temple.

* * *

Groaning low in the back of his throat in protest, Shin pressed a hint of teeth into the crook of Drifter's shoulder. "You're... Those little..." He couldn't help the way his grip strengthened in response, all offended. "Couldn't be anyone better, nobody at all. You're the best anyone could-" he cut himself off, just breathing in Drifter's scent and trying not to feel bad about it.

He was... The thing they shared was strong, and he didn't care who knew about it, but if they weren't lying then he wasn't sure how he'd behave around the man. The crutch of pretending to dislike him helped stave off the constant desire to defer, to go to his knees for him. "Don't know if I could stop from bein' like I am if everyone knows about us," he admitted. "Don't know how to act like you don't own me if we're not lyin' bout the rest of it."

God, he was trying not to let this dampen the joy he'd been feeling but it was hard. Felt like he couldn't explain himself well, and what him and Drifter wanted wouldn't align no matter what and god but that felt all wrong.

* * *

"Hey, hey, that's alright." Drifter said in a soothing tone, half surprised Shin would have this strong of a reaction, raising a hand to run it through the man's hair. It always seemed to relax him a little. The Lightbearer let out a small chuckle, shrugged a little. "C'mon, Shin, you're real sweet, but you gotta admit I ain't exactly a catch. From the outside looking in, at least, like y'said."

Sure, he knew how to turn up the charm, had a handsome enough face for it to be effective, but that was about it. Drifter was also a self-centred asshole, a scavenger, an opportunist. It so happened that somehow, the two of them had ended up fitting together perfectly. Drifter knew he didn't deserve it, but fuck it, people got stuff they didn't deserve every day. Might as well be something good for once.

And god, yeah, that sure made the dark in him perk up and bare its teeth. It wanted that, to make everyone know that he owned the hunter, display his might and grow stronger through that recognition of power. No. He groaned just a little, pushing it back down. That was an instinct from the Deep, not what he really wanted. Wasn't it?

“That's alright. Sweetheart, we'll do whatever you want. Y'know I'm right there with you no matter what." He said finally, smiling just a little, aiming for providing some reassurance. ________________________________________

Flushing deep and scraping teeth lightly against the man's collarbone, he pouted slightly. Pulled back, let Drifter see the way his brow creased and pull him back into a kiss. Taking that look off his face, trying to replace it with the punch-drunk bliss he could sometimes drag from him with the right movements and noises.

The hand moved in his hair, and faltered for a moment in distracted pleasure. Pressed himself close to Drifter's body, wanting the contact. "You're cute," he said against Drifters lips, breaking the kiss for it. "Smart, strong, funny, confident, hot as anything-" he bit down gently, took the man's lower lip into his mouth to play with it. He just didn't understand. Drifter had always been something else, from the moment he'd met him. And sure, Orsa/Vale hadn't been so hung up on him but he'd been aware of the tendency for fascination. Interested at least, even if none of it would ever matter or be acted on.

Breaking one last time, he tried to find ways to say what he wanted to that didn't sound stupid or young. There weren't any really, not that he could think of.

"Haven't even thought of wanting more than a quick fuck from anyone before you darlin'," he admitted, trailing fingers down the Lightbearer's chest. "You're kinda one of a kind here, makes you one helluva catch in my book." It hadn't seemed important before. Didn't really, besides what he had with Drifter; after all, the hunter wasn't interested in anyone else. Not when this was so good.

* * *

Drifter gasped at the scrape of teeth against his skin, just a light teasing, but enough to make him shudder a little. He was about to make a little comment to try and make Shin abandon that frown, but the hunter pulled him in for a kiss before he got the chance, which was perfectly alright with him. Drifter kept moving the hand through soft hair, his other one pressing on the small of Shin's back to keep the man close, tilting his head slightly.

He wanted to protest all the compliments, obviously flustered, but he hadn't even properly opened his mouth to talk before the hunter took Drifter's lower lip and the intended protests broke in his throat into a truly indecent kind of sound. Hell, why was he wanting to contradict Shin in the first place? If the man really thought those things, Drifter should just count himself very lucky.

"Fuck, Shin. You..." He didn't know how to respond to that. Just took the knowledge and kept it close to his heart. It only made his conviction of wanting to keep Shin safe and loved and happy even stronger. Drifter smiled. "Well, you've sure caught me, so."

* * *

Couldn't help the soft noise of want at that, the soft petting hitting something animal in the way he was put together. Made it hard to keep himself standing, sent him floppy and pliant even as he let himself be pressed line for line against Drifter's hips and whimpered again at the sensation.

"Still can't believe it, some days," he admitted, fingers twisting in the fabric of the Lightbearer's shirt. "You're all mine, I get to keep you an' be yours." His voice roughened, that hint of possessive jealousy merging with the weight about his neck. Drifter wanted him. Had pretty little things who wanted him easy, hundreds of guardians killing for him every day, and what he liked best was Shin on his knees and marked for his own.

* * *

With the hand in his head, the other one on Shin's back keeping him pinned to Drifter's body, he was now probably supporting more of the man's weight than his own legs were. Drifter enjoyed that, not only the control but how Shin casually relied on him to hold him upright in his arms. His lips curved into a smile as he pressed a kiss to his hunter's cheek, trailing more kisses alternating with little bites down to his neck.

Drifter licked it then, just to taste it, staying close and breathing heavy against the skin as he spoke. "Oh, darlin'. I wanna drag you t'bed 'n show you how much of me y'can really have. Make ya believe it." But, of course, duty did call. They had woken up a lot earlier than usual, but they'd also spent a lot of time dealing with everything that had happened. "How long 'til you gotta work?"

* * *

The hunter bared his throat, swallowing heavily against the teasing of Drifter's mouth. Moaned at the wet press of his tongue and the cool air against heated skin. He blinked heavily, trying to think through the arousal pooling below his belly and the press of Drifter against him.

"Can get away with an hour," he managed, pressing his thumb up against Drifter's neck to feel the slow pulse against his skin. Still wasn't quite used to the slight warmth, still nowhere near the heat most humans had in them but more alive than usual. As though he'd taken Shin's light and kept it burning. Felt good, that idea.

* * *

"Hmm. Lots we could do in an hour." He murmured, nuzzling into Shin's neck. Kissing the soft skin right above the collar, following the upper line of it with his lips. "Y'got any requests, sweetheart?"

God, he so loved making Shin talk about it, hear what he wanted from Drifter and give that to him, give him more than he ever thought he could ask for and make him enjoy it. It was part of why he liked to make his hunter beg so much, though they both had to know at this point, Shin could get anything he wanted out of Drifter. Begging or not.

* * *

Mind dizzy with sensation, Shin wondered if he'd ever get properly used to the feel of the collar around his neck. Of Drifter playing with it, fixating on the skin his claim liked to press against. A part of him hoped so, because it would mean that he'd worn it long enough that it was simply another part of him and grabbing his collar would be akin to taking him by the arm or pulling him by the hair; normal, expected. Still something that sent him down, blanked him out slightly, but casually so.

Then again, Drifter had put a collar around his neck and called him his. Shin wasn't sure that anything could dull the thrill that sent through his spine, nor make him playing with it just for the pleasure of messing with his hunter any less of a kick.

"Still think giving the kids somethin' to talk about would be a plan," he admitted, eyes fixing on Drifter's. He licked his lips, breath ghosting hot over them. Tried not to grind up against Drifter's front as he spoke, shivering a little. "An' you haven't marked me up to keep in a while darlin'." Those first few days had been a secret thrill. All new illicit excitement. Nothing like now of course, but bearing Drifter's wounds had felt so good that he couldn't help but want it again.

* * *

Oh, yeah, they had been talking about that before getting side-tracked, hadn't they? It was probably a good idea. Messing up Shin a little, making it look like they'd had a proper fight.

Drifter used one of his hands to grab at his hunter's waist, the other one pushing on his shoulder, practically throwing him on top of the bedding. Roughly, but not in a way that would have hurt him. "That can be fixed easy, y'know." He said, low and dangerous.

Drifter wasn't wearing his coat, but it was on a chair nearby, and he reached into one of the pockets to grab the penknife still in there.

* * *

An exhalation, breath knocked out of him even as his eyes lit up and his teeth bared in a grin. Tried to decide if he wanted to accept all blissful, lean into it and drink in the pain. Or make Drifter work for it properly, make him pin him and carve his marks in by force. A shock of lust ran through him at that and his hips tilted upwards against nothing. Well. That was that then. He jerked his chin, pushed himself up a little.

Drifter having to force him was fun, and they certainly hadn't done it in a while. Giving it up for him was delightful too, no mistake about it, but having to be held and made helpless sent him somewhere special indeed. "Go on then," he challenged, a hint of play in his voice. "C'mon darlin', show me what you got."

* * *

God, but didn't that little display already make his mouth feel dry. Shin wanted this bad, Drifter could see that much. Practically pouncing forward, the Lightbearer went to his knees on top of Shin's lap, keeping him between his legs and therefore pinning him down. His right hand held the knife, opening it with a soft but audible 'click', while the other one tried to grab at one of Shin's wrists.

"C'mere, sweetheart. I'm gonna make sure y'can feel me on you all day..." He felt a now familiar surge of lust as he said this, but also something else, behind it, an unpleasant kind of vagueness he couldn't quite understand, thought it felt like it was growing.

* * *

The hunter ground up against Drifter, pressing as much against the man's own hardness as he could while chasing his own pleasure. The idea of Drifter growing fat on the marrow of him, of the act of wearing Drifter's marks plain to see as an act of submission was good. A display of power and strength from the other, everyone knowing that he'd put his mark on the man with the golden gun and not only lived but won.

"Sounds good to me," he purred, even as he tried to pull free and bite up at Drifter's skin. Writhing beneath him, body trying to escape even as his mind went heavy with lust.

* * *

He had to swear softly as the hunter ground up against him, forgetting anything that wasn't the pressure and urgent desire for a blissful moment. If only he could stay right in that mental space, damn, he knew this would be perfect...

But feeling Shin trying to fight back, writhing under him, looking at the weapon in his hand, well, Drifter froze completely. Went stock still, heard the voice of Shin's Ghost bitterly chastising him. One day there's going to be nothing left. You'll have eaten it all.

His throat tightened up, muscles tensing, and the rogue Lightbearer made a strangled little sound, forced a cough to clear it, shaking his head, moving back and away from Shin as quickly as he could. The knife made a loud noise against the metal floor where it was dropped.

* * *

It took a moment to filter through that he wasn't pinned any more, the hunter already locked into those less conscious thought processes. More reactive, less real thought. Drifter was gone though, upset and scared and that meant that no matter how much Shin wanted him to press into him and make him bleed with it there were more important concerns.

Swallowing down that lust and desire to fight, he reached a hand out. "Love," he managed, voice still just a little dazed. "It's ok. What's wrong hon, let me help." Maybe Shin had fought back too hard. No worry, he could stay so still and good while Drifter carved him up if he wanted to. His other hand hovered over the knife, but he knew the rules. He shouldn't touch this, it had been stolen just for him. Didn't want to negate the love in it for that.

* * *

Drifter was on his knees, breathing too heavy, heart beating too quickly. Everything the Ghost had said, everything he'd done to Shin and how he had been made to feel about it, it was all coming up and hitting him at the same time.

He flinched away from Shin, and the hand reaching towards him. He wanted the comfort it promised, badly, but he wanted even more to keep Shin safe from him, and that meant no touching.

"I'm sorry." Drifter pulled his hands up to hide his face, take in a ragged, shaky breath. His voice was strained, and now muffled behind them. "I love you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for the things I've done to you. I can't. I'm sorry."

* * *

He let his hand drop, drawing it close back to himself. Baring his throat a little in a vague attempt to placate and calm. A reminder; I am yours. You own me. You choose what happens now.

"You're confusin' me love," he said quietly, voice a little deeper than usual with forced calm. Drifter looked wild, scared. Of Shin? "'M not gonna touch you if you don't want that. I love you a lot, and you don't got nothin' to be sorry for. This was my idea, remember?" God, his hands trembled with the urge to press against Drifter. He wrapped them round himself instead, reducing temptation and self-soothing all in one. Let fingers twitch against his flesh, shift his posture back and forth in a microscopic rocking movement. Simple self-comfort. Drifter didn't mean that he regretted what he did with Shin, he was sure. No matter how it sounded, he liked playing with his hunter.

* * *

Fuck, just get it together, Drifter harshly thought to himself. He was worrying Shin, obviously. Confusing him and making him think Drifter didn't want him to touch him.

That was enough to be able to force himself to take a deep breath, dropping his hands. Looking a bit ashamed, just a little tearful. "I know, I know all that. I'm sorry." He only looked into the hunter's eyes for a moment, before avoiding his gaze again. "After I... After what I did to you last time, how your Ghost talked about it..." Drifter bit his lip. "How is it not bad, that I enjoyed what I did so much? That I want to cut you now so badly? To someone I say I love more than anythin'?"

Maybe he was just rotten and evil after all. Didn't know how to love in a way that didn't bring destruction and pain with it.

* * *

He nodded slowly, considered Drifter's words. The hunter knew he'd gone through something at least similar after that first time he'd eaten of Drifter's flesh, that horrified negation of any affection. The understanding that he was monstrous for how good it had felt. Drifter had helped to pull him out of it, embraced what he wanted to do to his flesh. Enjoyed it even, despite being far more brutal than anything Drifter had done to him.

He reached out a hand palm up, rested it against the floor in a gesture of calm offering. Nothing pressured, just for if Drifter wanted it.

"Drifter," he began, "I enjoyed the hell outta that too. An' everything you've ever done to me. I asked you for it. Brought me down outta my own head, gave me calm." He paused, considering his next words. "'M not saying I wouldn't have been interested in you in the first place if you hadn't let me hurt in the start, but I can't promise you we'd be here right now if you hadn't liked markin' me up." He shrugged. "Maybe you're a monster. Could be we both are, hell. I've ripped your throat out with my teeth darlin'. Still think 'bout it sometimes, how you tasted so good in my mouth. Wanna let you eat me up some days just so you can know how it feels." He sighed. "So yeah, you're measurin' evil by likin' hurt then we're both evil. Don't mean you don't love me to pieces."

* * *

Drifter carefully put his hand on top of Shin's, like even that simply contact might hurt the hunter somehow. But as he listened to him speak, the Lightbearer visibly relaxed, managed to get back enough confidence to hold the hand properly, thumb stroking across affectionately.

The understanding seeped into him like some strange sort of relief, a confirmation of what he could only hope for. Shin didn't love him despite what he could do to him, but, at least in part, because of it. He breathed out, gathering up a shaky smile. "Hell. Anythin' sounds better when it's comin' out that pretty mouth of yours."

It did help to be reminded of everything Shin had done to him. God, he'd suffered and been put through hell and he'd loved it, Shin had loved it. He'd do it again in a second, no hesitation. And wasn't that all that mattered, ultimately? They might both be fucked up, people couldn't walk the path they'd chosen without getting somewhat twisted, at the very least, but at the end of the day, it did work for them.

* * *

Shin closed his hand around Drifter's, squeezing just a little. Savouring even the smallest contact, wanting desperately to bring in for a kiss. Knowing it wasn't the time.

"You could take that little knife," he murmured kindly enough, "Spread me out and split me wide open. And I'd beg you for more." He shrugged. "'M a little messed up darlin', but imagine if there weren't anyone who'd hurt me nice like you?" He'd been beaten into the ground by various ugly enemies a lot in order to feel alive. And sure, it was fun to go toe to toe with something mean and vicious and win. But now he could exercise that urge somewhere safe and know he was loved.

"Wanna be there for you like you are for me too, and I wanna make you happy like you make me happy. Don't think that's wrong either, even if it looks bad to those as don't know." He managed a smile, small and calm.

* * *

And I'd beg you for more. Fuck if that didn't make want rise inside him again, warm and demanding. His eyes switched to the knife just for a moment, before going back to Shin.

The idea of his hunter having no one to satisfy these urges while keeping him safe and loved was what fully sealed it for him. He imagined the man going to strangers, finding dangerous hostiles, no one there to care for him afterwards. He tensed, eyes darkening with a heavy possessive look, taking the knife back in one quick, fluid motion.

And just one moment later he was right up into Shin's space, grabbing his hip with his free hand, the flat of the knife resting against his hunter's throat. "Never again. You wanna hurt, y'come to me, y'hear?" He stared deep into Shin's eyes.

The hunter made him so happy, he was so precious to Drifter, and this was as much his responsibility now as it was his privilege.

* * *

Eyes bright and dark, Shin pressed up against the knife with a smile. Squeezing Drifter's hand tight in his, just feeling the cold of the blade against his flesh and knowing that he'd said the right things. Made Drifter feel better about the lovely way he made Shin bleed and beg.

No struggling this time, he didn't think. Drifter clearly didn't like it, and maybe he could just stay quiet until the Lightbearer forced those cries out of him instead. A different kind of resistance to be broken, something else he could cling to in defiance. Mmm. He licked his lips slowly.

"Yessir," he confirmed. "Nothin' else, just you." A grin, teeth flashing, and the next words were a little rougher. "Let you take care of me so good."

* * *

The smile, the way Shin still held his hand, reassured his decision that this was the right thing, what they both wanted. His expression was so different than the one the hunter had worn the last time they were here with Shin under his knife, so serious and tense. Still just as eager, though, if not even more so. Just... In a different way, knowing what to expect, trusting that he'd be cared for all through it. It really made his heart jump a little with happiness.

Drifter stared at his lips while the hunter licked at them, let out a small grunt.

"Oh yes," He confirmed, getting the knife away from skin just so Shin could see it properly and up close for a moment. "I've been keepin' it sharp and ready, y'know. Just for you, sweetheart."

* * *

The blade did look beautiful. Flashing amber in the warm lights of the Derelict, so cold despite it. To think he'd been using it simply to cut the occasional point on a pencil, tug a nick from the wood of his desk. It was so much more in Drifter's hands, all potential and promise. He couldn't wait to feel the bite of it again his skin, fast and hard. Or lazy, tracing light marks over his body until there wasn't an inch of him undamaged. God. His eyelids fluttered, throat bobbing, and he spread his legs a little. Tore his gaze from the blade and met Drifter's eyes.

He needed the man to know that this was good, that he was doing everything Shin wanted like this. He was caring for his hunter so well by making him hurt with love, bringing him joy by thinking that Shin's body was pleasurable to hurt. Hopefully that was contained within his gaze as he blinked slow and nodded a little.

* * *

His hunter was just so uniquely beautiful like this, all anticipation and quiet thrill. Drifter run hungry eyes down and up his body, let the moment carry on for just a few seconds longer, savouring it. Then, swinging the blade in a small arc forward, he started cutting right above the man's cheekbone, long and slow and thin, shallow, the edge so sharp skin broke on contact with barely any force applied behind it.

Seeing those first drops of blood blooming under his knife, knowing it was his doing, and that there would be so much more so soon, well, it always felt like a special moment. No matter how many times he got to do this, Drifter would always treasure that. Unbroken skin receiving its first mark.

* * *

He trembled just a little beneath the press of the blade. For a long moment, it didn't even resister. Then a frisson of pain as Drifter sliced him apart, oh so gentle. Shin closed his eyes, biting lightly down into his lower lip and savouring the sensation. Just a taste, a tiny fraction of how Drifter would make him hurt so soon.

"Thank you," he murmured, more breath than sound, and tilted his cheek to give the Lightbearer a better view. Arranged himself better, so he'd look pretty and breakable and owned.

* * *

Shin really was making sure Drifter knew how much he enjoyed this, trying to soothe any lingering doubts and keep him from feeling bad again. The Lightbearer loved him for it, all the subtle ways his hunter made sure to care for him in turn.

And it sure made for one hell of a view. Drifter smoothed his thumb over the fresh cut, and the blood that was starting to run down the man's cheek. Raised it to his mouth, got his tongue out to lick at it almost ostentatiously. Shin wasn't the only one who could make a show out of it. "You taste so good, sweetheart."

* * *

That necessitated biting down a little harder, eyelids slipping to half-mast at the sight of Shin's blood on Drifter's hand, taking it into himself and loving it. Something flared in Shin's belly; Drifter liked the taste of him. The feel of him against his lips and sliding down his throat. He'd wanted to share, ever since Drifter had tried to eat a piece of him in that snowy wood. Had wondered if he'd love it as Shin did, the heavy burst of metal against his tongue.

A soft exhale, shoulders dropping to emphasise the line of his neck. Pressing up just slightly, hips shifting against Drifter's hand. Enough to bruise, if he let it.

* * *

Drifter let his fingers dig into Shin's hip, turned the touch into something rougher, as he got the knife back to the hunter's face to make another cut, crossing the first one at a slanted angle. Just slightly deeper, a quicker movement this time, exploring how that felt different.

Right after it, before the man had a moment to compose himself again, the hand on his hip travelled upwards to grab at the front of Shin's shirt, push him down with his back onto the bedding again. "There we go." Drifter growled, advancing to straddle his hunter once more. "Right where I want ya."

* * *

Breathing a little faster now, a little harder. Swallowing down any noises that tried to emerge, made sure that Drifter never even had a chance to hear them. He was going to have to work for any noises he wanted out of his hunter, so that they'd be all the sweeter. The second cut felt different, painful immediately. No delay, just a hot thread of fire against his skin. He did his best to keep that side of his face still, not aggravating the wound. Would be better if he saved that for later, he thought. When he couldn't control himself any longer.

Drifter's weight on his waist was good, got a little pressure against the aching length of him. Felt reassuring too, and he couldn't help the smile that broke across his face as he looked up at him. So good to him, always.

* * *

Again, that lovely smile, even as the cuts on his face bled down the side of it and dripped a little onto the bedding. Stark red making his skin look paler than usual in comparison. All of it mesmerising, stunning.

But as good as the view was, Drifter wanted to hear him as well, wanted him making the kind of little noises Shin knew he loved, and was making him work for. With a half-smile of his own, he leaned down in a way that pressed Shin's length against his inner thigh, until he was close enough to ghost his lips over the hunter's, holding them there, breathing heavy for a second but moving on without actually kissing him. Instead, he moved to kiss the cuts, the tip of his tongue coming out in between his lips to simply touch the line of one of them, gently.

* * *

He swallowed hard, jaw clenching despite the pain as Drifter deliberately avoided giving him the pressure he wanted. That was good though, it was right. He hadn't taken enough out of his hunter for him to earn it, and he wasn't being very good right now. He'd be good eventually, but not right now.

Then again, that fake-out of a kiss, prying his teeth from his lips just to let Drifter in. Feeling his breath against the wetness of them, before he ignored them entirely and decided to taste Shin further. It stung, but soothed more. Soft and wet, light pressure, and he had difficulty not just pressing in against him. Staying still and quiet, eyes bright. Making sure Drifter could see how happy he was with this, lips parted delicately as he twitched beneath the Lightbearer's bulk.

* * *

Oh, that was good. Drifter pressed his tongue flat on it just to feel it better, the warmth of it, the slick wetness of bloodied flesh. His mouth had already been watering at the sight before him, and now his spit dripped easy on top of the wounds, the Lightbearer licking one long stripe over them to clean it off, along with the blood. Made a low, rough noise of appreciation at the coppery taste.

He pulled back just enough to be able to look at the hunter's face, checking his expression, just as much for his own enjoyment than to check Shin was still enjoying it himself. Drifter grinned at him, just as sharp as the knife, and leaned close again to push the tip of his tongue just a little into the bigger of the cuts, at the same time he bucked his hips down into the hunter's.

* * *

Oh. Oh, the attention Drifter was lavishing on his cuts was painful yes. But the movement of that spit slick tongue, pressing over and over against the grooves in his skin, smoothing the break over as if he were trying to seal the skin together. Shin relaxed a little, guard dropping as Drifter simply took in his blood. Over and over. Wondered if he was getting any of the power Shin got from it, even slightly. Maybe not. Perhaps he'd already drained his hunter dry before, that would explain it.

The sudden shock of pain as Drifter switched from licking at him to driving his tongue into him and forcing skin apart wrung a gasp from the him. Then the Lightbearer ground down against him, pressure almost painful. Didn't stop Shin from pressing up again at him, hips jerking. This. All of this. For as long as Drifter would give it to him.

* * *

He could suck at the blood real good like this, wriggling his tongue in just a little deeper, feeling the sticky redness stain his lips, his beard. Groaning when the hunter pressed up against him, letting the vibrations of the sound resonate right into the flesh.

Shin's shirt was pulled out of where it was tucked into his pants, and a little upwards to reveal the meat just below his ribs, the knife biting down a long horizontal cut there, with another thrust of his hips increasing the pressure on it to get the knife in further down. Drifter hoped he wasn't escalating too fast, but god, his patience had started running out the very same moment he'd decided what he was going to do. He wanted his hunter sobbing and moaning under him, ruined, undone, and loving all of it.

* * *

Shin couldn't help but think with a hint of dazed lust that it was as though Drifter were the worm he fed. Writhing against his flesh, pressing into him just to drink him down. He wanted Drifter to take more, eat everything he wanted of him. Take him inside, until his insides were coated with Shin and he could finally be filled. Wanted to sate that appetite for good, or even just for a moment.

The knife bit into the hunter's belly and he whined low in his throat. Felt blood spill over the skin, parting further with every panted breath and movement of his ribs. Deep, this one. Enough for that frisson of bodily fear, the shudder of him beneath Drifter's weight. He closed his eyes, a "yes" breathed out as the flesh parted further. It hurt, yes, but with that freezing still fresh in his memory... Well. This didn't quite compare.

* * *

So sweet, just that little whine, the breathy exclamation, finally a little more of an audible response. With one last sweep of the tongue against the wounds, he moved to actually kiss the hunter this time, rough and bruising. Pushing his tongue past plush lips almost immediately, wanting to let him taste his own blood on Drifter's mouth.

The Lightbearer left the knife biting flesh apart, stuck in Shin's body, while he covered it with the palm of his hand. Just feeling the waves of blood pulsing out of him, the way the sweet meat of his hunter seemed to breathe in and out around the metal.

* * *

He tasted better on Drifter than he'd ever tasted alone. Something brighter about it, fuller bodied. He opened up easy, tongue pressing against the Drifter's own as if receiving some form of communion. His face was smeared in blood and spit at this point, sticky and slowly drying against his skin. Every movement of his mouth beneath Drifter's pulled on the broken skin, sent a little more blood weeping from the wounds. Staining the two of them a deep, rich red.

His stomach burned, abdominal muscles twitching apart as they fought for non-existent purchase. The hunter wanted to look down, just a little. See the crimson pool, the flashes of viscera beneath. Instead Drifter increased the pressure, hand wet and cruel, and he shuddered. A ragged cry, swallowed by the kiss even as his cock ached beneath his lover's weight.

* * *

"Hmm." Drifter hummed into Shin's mouth in response to the cry, approvingly, and moved his hips against the hunter as if in reward for it. Hoping to encourage more wonderful noise out of him.

The knife was finally slid out, just to be raised to the side of his throat. Pushed just little without breaking skin, used to move Shin at such an angle that the Lightbearer could make the kiss even deeper. He'd love to cut lovely lines all over his neck, but, well. Wouldn't want to get blood on Shin's nice collar, right?

* * *

He was meant to be being quiet. He had to remember that, because he really wanted to just moan into the kiss, grind up against him and feel the blood spill until drifter was coated in it. The hunter tilted his chin back easy enough, letting Drifter move him however he wanted. Swallowed blood and noise alike, keeping both of them for himself instead of letting Drifter take them. A little rebellion, staining his teeth.

Pressing up again, every movement pulling him open just a little. Moving his mouth sloppily beneath the other, eyelids fluttered shut and hips stuttering a little. Blissful, aching. He didn't understand how Drifter could have doubted how good this was, he really didn't. No matter, Shin was happy to remind him.

* * *

Hmm. Still so quiet, though obviously enjoying it. Maybe he just had to try a little harder, push him more. Drifter let his weight rest slightly more heavily on the man's lap, at the same time he brought his knees in closer to pin Shin completely, made it impossible for him to move his hips against Drifter.

He then bit at his hunter's lower lip before trailing lips down to the skin on the neck that had been irritated by the knife, licking at it in a way that would be soothing, but that definitely also provided a distraction from the knife which came to cut upwards, intersecting with his jawline.

* * *

He choked a little, the weight pressing down only pulling more on his abdomen. It was funny, he'd never realised how much movement affected this area of skin until it was laid open and gaping obscenely. Shin tilted his head back, the gentle movements of Drifter's tongue once more helping to reassure him.

He remembered how it had gone last time though, so when Drifter sliced into him once more he only yelped a little. Pressed himself up against the blade, forced it to bite deeper into his flesh. Grinned bloody and bright, teeth stained as looked up at his tormentor. Love you he mouthed, the knife still embedded painfully in his face.

* * *

Encouraged by that, Drifter grinned before making another cut right next to the previous one, and another. A series of small cuts along his jawline while he planted little kisses on his neck.

"You know, I could just suck and bite the hell out of this lovely throat..." Another swing of the knife, a kiss. "Make sure it's so obvious. Let the kids know exactly where my mouth has been." A small, teasing bite, just a momentary holding of flesh between teeth before letting it go, not hard enough ________________________________________

Shin was starting to grow lightheaded from the loss of blood, and perhaps it was that which had mangled his control; he moaned low in the back of his throat, tongue sweeping out over his lower lip to taste the blood drying there. Every fresh cut was so good, the pain helping to ground him even as it added to that wonderful mix of pain and pleasure that tried to shove the part of him that had thoughts back down inside. No more Shin, just sensation.

He focused, didn't let it happen. Wanted to be a little more aware than he had been lately, even if he wasn't biting back in the way he'd thought would happen. Swallowing more blood, he exhaled slow and focused on the feel of Drifter above him. The idea of him just leaving mark after mark on Shin until he looked well fucked and owned wasn't a bad one.

* * *

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you sweetheart? You love walkin' around with my marks on ya." Drifter relaxed the grip of his knees so he could start rolling his hips against the hunter, lazy and steady. With the knife still against the flesh of the latest cut, his other hand grabbed roughly at his hunter's chin, traced the lips with two fingers, spreading some blood.

"Aw, darlin'. If I only had more time before you gotta get goin'..." The Drifter pressed his fingers inside Shin's mouth, slid them into the slick spit and blood, and continued to mimic the thrust in and out as he spoke next, voice a low drawl. "... I'd fuck you right into the floor, fill you up so good, make sure y'could feel me inside your pretty little body all day long, my dear hunter."

* * *

Finally moving, giving Shin some of that wonderful friction. Drifter manhandling him into a better position. Could just about keep the low whimper from slipping out between his teeth, up until the point where Drifter was toying with bruised lips. He opened up beneath those fingers, groaning just a little as he fucked in and out of his hunter. Tried to move his tongue against the intrusion, hollow torn cheeks around the digits and suck on them as best he could. It hurt, aggravated every wounded piece of skin there, but sliding his tongue between Drifter's fingers blanked him out with arousal for a moment.

"Please," he managed, garbled against the intrusion. "Want you in me, want to feel you."

* * *

"Shh, I know, darlin'." Drifter slid his fingers over Shin's tongue, pressed down just a little to feel that twitching wet heat. "But we can't, not now. I don't wanna rush it." The Lightbearer kept moving his fingers, playing with his lips and tongue, keeping a similar rhythm to the one his hips were setting against the hunter's body. "Mmm, I just want to fuck you so deep, hard and slow."

The hour they had set aside for their play was almost over, though, and Drifter felt vaguely guilty about all the time he'd made them lose with his freaking out. But what Shin had said before was true, after all that business with Gambit the previous day, he simply had to go into work.

* * *

Shin remembered how Drifter's tongue tasted. Wanted him to take Shin's, pull it slow and gentle out and lap at the hole before chewing it up.

Couldn't help from whining against those fingers, scraping teeth gently over at the base of them. He shuddered, suddenly feeling the lack of Drifter inside his body like nothing else. Empty, alone. Wanted to be filled, replace all that he was losing. "Want that," he managed, loss written over him. Opened deeper, swallowed Drifter's fingers down the best way he could.

* * *

Drifter couldn't hold back a moan at that, and his hunter's eagerness to be filled, his clear disappointment that it wouldn't be happening right now when he wanted it so. And god, so did Drifter. He knew if he commanded it Shin would stay here with him, let him do anything he wanted to his body. It was so tempting. But Shin had to work, Drifter needed to be seen running Gambit, especially when they were starting to get into Shin's Ghost's good books.

"Soon, sweetheart, I promise. Maybe tonight, if you're really good." He said, sweetly enough, just an edge of teasing and expectation. Drifter took the fingers out of Shin's mouth, slowed down his hips and stopped. "Right now, though, I think we need to get you clean 'n presentable. Maybe patched up, just a lil'."

* * *

He shuddered, whining with it just a little, eyes closing tight. Soon. Drifter would hurt him soon, fill him like he was meant to, Shin just had to be good. He did his best not to seek that friction, even though Drifter was still right above him and he wanted so badly to move against him. Even his mouth was empty, wanting, and he was trying so hard not to express how bad that felt that he almost forgot he was still split open. No crying, no begging. Not allowed, Drifter was right. Shin might hate it, but he was right.

He opened his eyes, exhaling shakily. Dipped one finger into the gash over his belly, experimentally. He'd wondered how it had felt for Drifter, and the answer appeared to be 'agonising but so very good' so that was. That was something. He took it out quickly, before he could be tempted to try and give Drifter a better look at his insides. They were stopping, it was time to stop.

"'K" he managed, head dropping back down to the floor.

* * *

He steeled himself, forced himself to stand up, because otherwise those noises and the sight of his hunter investigating his own wound like that would most definitely end up dragging Drifter down again. "Good boy, gonna be so patient for me."

Thankfully, once he was on his feet, his mind immediately switched into the practicalities of taking care of Shin. Drifter walked around to get a few things - Water, cloths, first aid kit. The knife was left on the table, to be properly cleaned later in the day.

The Lightbearer kneeled next to shin to take care of him, and while doing so realised just how much blood had dripped into the bedding. He'd have to do something about that before tonight.

* * *

He sighed. He could be good. Wanted to be good, so Drifter would feel good about this and want to do it to him again and again. So he bit his lip, tried to push himself up a little so he wouldn't want to press his fingers inside himself or squeeze down against his hardness. Kept his fingers curled against the bloodied blankets, where he couldn't make trouble with them.

He did move a little, just enough to press his forehead against Drifter's leg. Wanted that closeness, even if he wasn't getting anything more. "I'll be good," he murmured, face burning and sticky, body screaming at him.

* * *

Petting his hunter's hair, Drifter hummed in approval. Maybe starting this right before the proper start to their day hadn't been the smartest choice, but Drifter couldn't get himself to regret it. Especially when he thought of Shin walking around the Tower with his marks on him. So different from the last time he had done so, now wearing his collar as well, knowing he was loved and owned.

Drifter took his bloodied shirt off him, cleaned him up. The cut in his side was closed with some butterfly stitches, while the ones on his face were carefully treated with a wound spray that would seal and protect them. And hopefully make them look like they weren't as fresh as they were, since the point was having Shin look like he'd been roughed up the day before. Couldn't exactly send him out there actively bleeding.

"There we go, darlin'. Thank you for being so wonderful."

* * *

The care was good, calming. Felt nice to have Drifter fuss over him and clean him up so he looked just how he wanted him. Get ready to go out into the world with Drifter's marks in his skin, pain running through him with every movement. Sounded good to him, and the press of hands on unmarked skin was good too. He pressed a kiss to Drifter's hand before levering himself to his feet. It tugged at the stitches something fierce, side screaming, and he stumbled a little. Managed to recover himself, regain some ability to breathe. This was going to be... Difficult.

He swallowed. "Might need some painkillers to look normal," he admitted, hating the failure as he did so. Wanted to feel every inch of skin that Drifter had cut, feel his body trying to pull itself apart down the lines he had marked. But he wasn't gonna be able to talk to the kids with the constant pull and burn this brought, not without them worrying like hell. Funny how he cared about that these days.

* * *

Drifter helped Shin to his feet, kept him steady, and kissed his cheek lightly after he spoke, the one that hadn't been really cut into. "That's more than alright, sweetheart. Lemme find you some."

There were painkillers on the first aid kit, hopefully strong enough, since Drifter wasn't in the habit of keeping any other kind around. He got a couple of them out for Shin, along with a bottle of water. "Open your mouth for me, dear." He said, casually, his hand coming up to rest gently on the neck, right on the collar.

* * *

Ok. Ok, he wasn't being bad by asking for them. He hadn't seriously thought he was, but the reassurance was good. Drained a little of the tension out of his shoulders, let him properly appreciate the feel of Drifter's lips against his cheek before he moved away again. He still smelled just a little blood on his breath. It was nice.

Opening his own mouth obediently, he felt instantly better as Drifter touched the collar. An assurance; Shin was owned and protected and loved. He just had to let Drifter care for him however he wanted, let the other choose how this would go.

* * *

Carefully, Drifter placed the two round pills on Shin's tongue. Was tempted to let his fingertips linger a little on the lovely flesh of it, but forced himself not to. It'd be a bit cruel to tease the man any further, he was being practical now, Drifter reminded himself. So he just raised the open water bottle to Shin's lips, tilted slightly.

"Drink. Swallow the pills, and then drink as much as you can. You need it." His voice was firm, but it was caring instead of stern. The hand on his throat moved along the collar to cup the back of his neck. "Touch my arm when you're done, and I'll stop." Drifter gave him a short moment to understand this, then tilted the bottle more, guiding Shin's head with his hand, to let the water slowly go into his mouth.

* * *

Oh, Drifter was so good to him. Shin was very good too, didn't press his tongue up against those fingers as they went into his mouth. Let them leave unmolested, because Drifter was helping him do better and that meant not just swallowing him down no matter how much he wanted it.

He waited patiently instead, as Drifter placed the bottle against his lips and tilted it back. As much as you can. He did his best, going without breath as long as he could, but Drifter had been pouring slowly and that meant he could only manage two thirds of the bottle before he had to press his hand against the man's sleeve.

* * *

Drifter nodded, clearly pleased, and took the bottle back. Let Shin breathe, fingertips scratching lightly at the place where skin and hair joined at the back of his hunter's neck. "Good boy. You ok? Want some more?"

He'd have to find something Shin could eat as well, something he could take with him probably, his Ghost chiming in inside his head with a reminder of the time and the expected gambit schedule.

* * *

He closed his eyes, tilted his head against the gentle scratches. Wanted to sleep really, not go outside into the bright light and talk to people. But Drifter had done all this work making sure he could, and he'd been gone too long as it was so... Work. He made a noise of assent, opened his mouth obediently again. He was a good boy. Intended to keep being one.

He knew he needed the water, too. Needed to replace that blood, without the aid of a ghost. Still made his belly ache a little, and it was getting rid of the lovely blood in his mouth. Nothing to be done about it though.

* * *

Drifter made sure to take care of his hunter. Got him to drink the entire rest of the bottle, and into clean clothes. Simple outfit, white shirt and black trousers, with some brown leather armor pieces over it. "Keep ya nice 'n protected, until you come back to me." He said, kissing the hunter's cheek, making sure the collar wasn't noticeable.

With one last kiss, sweet and long on Shin's lips, Drifter send him on his way, having made him promise he'd eat the two cereal bars and apple he'd given him. Once Shin had transmatted down into the Tower, Drifter took a piece of fruit for himself, and wasted no time getting Gambit started for the day, itching for the action to occupy his brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Here is my hand, my heart,_  
_my throat, my wrist. Here are the illuminated_  
_cities at the center of me,"_  
\- Richard Siken


	25. Chapter 25

The kids were curious, and Shin did his best to settle into that persona he'd been crafting. A dry humour, not unapproachable but not particularly friendly either. Only a handful were even too interested in the cuts, even some of those ceasing to care once Shin had let slip that his ghost was in a snit. Some of them, though. He could see them noting it all down in their heads, trying to piece together a puzzle with the things that Shin and Drifter had given them. Well. Here was hoping they came to the right conclusion.

The official story was he was banned from gambit for a while. Helped to stop the flow of kids who'd seen the tape of that Primeval kill and wanted a repeat performance.

In the end, the number of people who came to talk to him because they had actual requests for him or wanted to turn in bounties was low. Those who did want to have a real technical discussion, ask for tips, show him something relevant, he enjoyed the most. They helped to pass the time, waiting with slightly dulled senses and an ever-present ache in his side until he could go home and be good again.

It took a while, and every hour was its own little hell.

* * *

Gambit was good, kept him busy. Kept the hours passing, though definitely not as fast as Drifter would like. A bunch of the kids asked about Shin, or made little comments. He told all of them the same, gruffly. 'Don't want no vanguard all up in my Gambit, this ain't their territory. No, you ain't gonna see it again any time soon.'

Made it harder to concentrate fully on the matches, though, having to answer questions about it and thinking about the show Shin had given him there, walking and hosting on the same platform where he'd frozen his hunter to death, desperate and kneeling for him and accepting all of it eagerly. Fuck.

* * *

It was getting to about fifteen minutes past his normal departure time, already anxious to be gone, that Shin realised the flow of guardians hadn't tapered off like normal. No, there were still as many as during the busier hours. A titan wanting to know what he thought of the cleaver's balance, a hunter trying to imply something about him even if the point was pretty incoherent. Guardian after guardian, all wanting attention and conversation and to look at him and think about him when Shin was meant to be home and full and unthinking by now.

It was nearly an hour past the usual time when there was enough of a break in the flow for him to plausibly escape without outright ignoring any of them. The painkillers had worn off a while back, so when he managed to get to the Derelict he was a little sweaty, shaking some and so glad to be home.

* * *

Drifter ran gambit matches for the next few hours, hung out around the annex for a couple more, cashing in bounties and dealing with some more admin work. Thinking of Shin all the while, wondering how he was doing, hoping he wasn't hurting too much while away from him. When the hunter was with Drifter, the Lightbearer could enjoy his pain, control it, help make it better or at least provide a contrast to it with other sensations. When he was away, though, it just made Drifter lowkey anxious and tense.

He got some takeaway food before transmatting up, just some rice and chicken with black bean sauce. Asked for it to be wrapped up well, since he wasn't sure when Shin was going to come back home. God, that felt... Weird, but made him smile like a fool, just how easy the concept of their shared home came to him these days.

He was glad he had asked for that after he'd been on the Derelict waiting for about twenty minutes. After 40, with the food starting to go cold anyway, he started to worry a little, feeling his restlessness growing. When after an hour Shin finally arrived, Drifter was pacing the room, trying to decide how long he should be waiting until he went looking for his hunter.

"Shin, darlin'." He tried not to sound too concerned, rushing to his side and looking him over, one hand on Shin's arm and the other one stroking his cheek. "You alright?"

* * *

Aw, hell. He leaned into Drifter's touch like he'd been starving for it, closed his eyes and drank it in. Touch, cool against fevered skin. Care, worry. Oh. He'd worried Drifter, made him wait. Felt bad, and he opened his eyes right away to search the Lightbearer's face for upset.

"'M okay." He turned his head into the hand on his cheek, made sure to meet Drifter's gaze so he knew he was giving him everything he had. Wasn't lying to make him feel better. "Hurts a bit. Kids wanted to talk. A lot." Short, to the point. Didn't require much breath, because that hurt too. He quirked a half smile, pulling against the skin that didn't hurt. "Missed you."

Missed him like nothing else, every ache in his body just reminding him of who owned him. He'd found himself shifting so the collar pressed in on him time and time again, just as a reminder. Drifter was gonna be good to him later, because he was doing well. And now he was home and it was all ok.

* * *

Drifter relaxed after hearing the explanation, the way Shin immediately leaned into his touch making something warm and bright spark in his chest, dissipating the anxiety that had been accumulating there.

"That's alright. I missed you too, sweetheart, y'wouldn't believe how much." Drifter said, leaning in to kiss Shin's forehead. Had a look at the wounds on his face when he pulled back, making sure they didn't look any worse. Yeah, that wasn't too bad, "You think you need some more painkillers?" A half smile, trying to let him know there'd be nothing wrong with that. They had talked about continuing where they left it that morning, of course, but seeing Shin now, and the way he was shaking a little, the part of him that just wanted to make sure his hunter was ok and cared for took over completely, for the moment. "I did buy some dinner, but I'm afraid it's gettin' cold by now, I'm sorry."

* * *

The hunter shook his head immediately, fervently. "'S ok now you're here." Pressing a kiss to Drifter's palm, he tried to relax a little. It was all better when it wasn't the kids looking at him, watching and cataloguing every weakness. They probably weren't actually doing that, but Shin had a pretty one-track mindset in times of stress and it was only lately that he'd even begun comfortable with the concept of showing vulnerability in front of Drifter. But he had, eventually. Which meant that when he was here, it was ok and good to be hurting and wanting; he didn't need to hide it at all.

As to the food, he didn't want Drifter hungry. Shouldn't have waited, Shin didn't eat much anyway and he wouldn't have remembered. Only Drifter was too good to him and now he'd made the man hungry by being late. Not a kiss against the palm now, but a tiny experimental bite. "S'ok," he replied, leaning fully in against Drifter's chest with his eyes closed and heavy. "Can be your turn to eat me if you like."

That would fix everything, maybe. Drifter wouldn't be so hungry and Shin could be hurting and it would all be very good.

* * *

Well, now that was an idea. He'd had... Well, yeah, of course he'd thought about it. Drifter had eaten a lot weirder than most people could even imagine, and after everything else they'd done, the concept didn't exactly shock him. And of course, being on the receiving end of it had been wonderful, every single time. Pain like he'd never experienced any other way, an especial kind of intimacy he'd never thought he would experience.

"Wait, you mean like, eat eat, or...?" Drifter raised his eyebrows, looking intently at Shin's face for any kind of reaction, or a further explanation. The man looked tired enough to just be saying stuff without really thinking it through that much.

* * *

He blinked for a moment, not quite understanding, before realising the possible innuendo. Couldn't help a quiet snort, then a wince as the motion tried to rip his stitches. That was fine though, it was good. He straightened a little, catching his breath. Took in the lovely scent of him, the sharp ice smell and rich gunsmoke. The slight note of a blood, not yet lost from him. Good.

"You're always real hungry," he said, drawing back a little for Drifter to see properly. "'N you liked it well enough, an' I stopped you eating my finger that one time an' it's been buggin' me an'-" he trailed off, pressed into Drifter's arms. "I'll make it ok with my ghost, promise, just want you to be all full of me." He was flushed a little further, hiding his face.

* * *

"Not gonna say those ain't some pretty convincing arguments." Drifter wrapped his arm around Shin's waist, on the side that wasn't wounded and round his back, pulling him in a little more against his body. "And god, darlin', y'know I love how you taste so good. Just a bit sudden, is all. Wanna make sure you really want this, not just think I'd want it?"

Not just appeasing him for being late to come back, either, making him wait. Drifter wouldn't go for something like that if he wasn't entirely sure about his partner's motivation. Didn't seem especially likely, and if Shin said it really was what he wanted, he'd believe him. He just didn't wanna rush into something that would need Ghost rezzing too recklessly right now.

Oh, speaking of which. "And your Ghost gonna be ok with that? Don't wanna mess things up again, sweetheart." Drifter said, as he used the hand on his hunter's cheek to move his face and make him meet his gaze again.

* * *

Shin blinked again, easy and loose. Met Drifter's eyes with a clear and simple gaze. "Ghost'll mind this less. Turnabout's fair play, y'know?" Closed his eyes, sent a brief query to it. The response he received wasn't thrilled, but wasn't judgemental either. Reciprocity, it could understand. The imbalance was the source of its frantic worry, if Drifter wanted to do what Shin had thrice done to him back then it couldn't care less. Even if the resurrection might inconvenience it, this was hardly Shin's highest rate of deaths for any period. "Yeah. S'ok with it." He shrugged a little. "It don't mind keepin' things even."

A slow sweep of his tongue over his lower lip. "An' I do think you want it, but makin' you happy's half my fun. 'sides, I wanna..." He tried to find the words. Be a part of Drifter, fill him, be taken inside and made his irrevocably. Consumption, subsuming. "Just feels good, in my head. An' I wanna hurt. An' I wanna be in you. Please?"

* * *

Ok, that made some kinda sense. Drifter could understand that. Fair was fair. And well, it wasn't bad to know the Ghost didn't mind as much, though he sure hoped this didn't set a precedent for the future, because there was nothing he'd like less than having to get Ghost permission every single time they ended up doing anything to each other.

The Lightbearer's train of thought was derailed by the movement of that slow, distracting tongue. God, he sure had been fixated on it today, huh? Maybe he just needed to taste the actual meat of it, know what it was like...

"Oh, fuck, sweetheart. Yeah, yes, damn, of course I want it. And how can I resist, when y'ask so nicely?" He grinned, all teeth.

* * *

If the hunter had been a little worn out by the trials of the day, Drifter had managed to find the one way to instantly refresh him. He perked up, expression clearing, fingers tightening just a little against Drifter's shoulder. "Thank you, love you, I'm gonna be so good for you I promise," he leaned in, almost clumsy in his excitement, uncaring of the way it pulled at his wounds, pressed a kiss to that mouth.

He'd be going into it. Not coming out, pieces of him sliding past those gorgeous lips and down his throat- Shin shuddered, a wave of arousal hitting him at the mere thought, whining low against Drifter's mouth. Did his best to stay still, let the other control this. He'd controlled the other times, it was only fair Drifter got to run the show this time and break him apart as he pleased.

"'M ready," he managed, breath suddenly short once more.

* * *

It was almost adorable, the way that managed to get the hunter visibly excited. Like Drifter was almost doing him a favour by accepting what was clearly a wonderful gift. He kissed the hunter back, and could feel the Deep inside him rising in its endless hunger, the |love/desire to consume| that it encouraged and insisted on, until it was the only real thing left in the Lightbearer's mind. Of course, Shin's whining against his mouth didn't exactly help that either.

"I know you'll be good, my darlin'. You're always delightful to ruin." Drifter kissed him again, rough right away this time, the hand on his face holding it in place. Teasing bites grew gradually stronger, until Drifter sank sharp teeth on Shin's lower lip, tearing at the flesh with a hard yank backwards.

* * *

Being held in place was good. Terrifying, knowing what was to come. Thrills of longing and anticipation, real fear mingled with it. He was going to hurt so much, Drifter was going to tear pieces from him, and he wanted it so badly even though his body was trembling at the thought. Being kept in place while Drifter bit at him over and over hardly helped, but he kept up the steady litany of needy noises and did his best to kiss back despite it until Drifter ripped at him with those sharp teeth and Shin's face was suddenly in agony.

Blood spilled down his chin, into his mouth, tongue unable to keep from flicking out to try feel along the ragged edge of the wound. That hurt too, and god but it tasted right. Sustaining. Soft and strong all at once, good eating for him. He was fixed on Drifter, swallowing down his own blood, wanting to see his reaction like nothing else. Whether he'd like him, want more.

* * *

The feeling of the flesh being torn from his hunter, just with his teeth, was every bit as good as Drifter had expected. Even better was the taste of it when he finally took it into his own mouth, soft, still warm, and chewed it very slowly, wanting to consciously experience every nuance of its flavour and texture. Maintaining eye contact with Shin all the while.

It was a very different flavour, once he'd swallowed down the blood. Strong, like the animals you could still hunt down on the EDZ, not like some of the alien meats that burned your throat going down. It was good, and he closed his eyes for a moment just so he could fully appreciate it, moaning just once, low in his throat.

Drifter had eaten human meat before, certainly, but never raw before. Always cut up and cooked to a crisp until it was unrecognisable, always in situations he didn't care to remember, during which he hadn't had the time to dwell on it. Meat was meat, and that was survival. This, however, was something much different. A deliberate consumption, a willing offering.

And he wanted more. Lunging forward again, Drifter bit at his hunter's cheek, taking a long strip with him this time.

* * *

Oh. Oh, something eased in Shin's chest as Drifter took him inside, savoured the taste of him. He trembled as his lover's eyes fluttered closed, trying not to simply thrust up against him at the moan when he finally swallowed the piece of his hunter down. Something felt light and airy at the back of his head, a euphoria of some description.

Drifter thought he tasted good, liked eating of him, and soon he'd crack open the marrow of him and eat the very core of what made him flesh and Shin would be a part of him forever. Would be devoured wholly and completely, mindless and blissful and surrendering everything he could give in the name of power and ownership and devotion. He smiled as best he could, just a little thing that could barely be recognisable without half of the necessary components. Waited for Drifter to consume the rest of him, now he knew that Shin was good to eat.

He didn't take long to oblige, ripping once more from Shin's face and it was good. He cried out, pained and joyful and desperately aroused, head jerking to one side as the Lightbearer came away with another piece of him.

* * *

Oh yeah, god, that cry, all the emotions mixed up in it until they couldn't be fully recognisable without the context of each other. Drifter loved it and couldn't wait to see what kind of new sounds he could get out of his hunter like this.

He chewed and swallowed this next piece faster, it being longer but thinner, and it slid easy down his throat. Like a good piece of raw fish. "Goddamn, you are a delight." Drifter leaned in again to kiss and lick into Shin's mouth, taking his fill of the blood before chewing at the wound and ripping little pieces directly from it. He took his hands away from the man just so he could start undressing him, their movement sure but urgent.

* * *

Drifter liked the way he tasted. Wanted to eat more of him. He kept thinking it, surreal and strange a thought as it was. He'd hoped, many times. Thought of it as Drifter bit at him, always gentle. Sometimes breaking skin, but never taking that last step and simply beginning consumption. But here he was, eating pieces of him and coming back for more as though his hunter were some kind of delicacy that he couldn't help but take more and more of while it was available.

He leaned in despite his body's fearful and flinching protests, angled himself to give Drifter better access even as he helped with the clothes. He hoped Drifter would leave him his eyes, so he could watch longer while he made those delightful faces. Letting him see himself disappear slowly inside, blood and fat and muscle all swallowed down by the best appetite he'd seen.

* * *

Drifter pulled away just so he could undress Shin faster, more efficiently. He took all of his clothes off with hard pulls, demanding, manhandling him this way or the other to make it easier for himself. Making what he wanted clear and taking it.

Once Shin was completely naked, except for his collar, clothes and ring left safely to one side, the Lightbearer made a deep noise of appreciation, looking him over, up and down, while licking his lips. "Oh, darlin'." Drifter breathed out, hands travelling all over his hunter's chest, down to his stomach, then grabbing at his hips, fingers digging in. "I'm gonna enjoy this very much. Now, will you be a good boy and lie down for me?" He shot a look at the bedding, still stained with dried blood from that morning. No sense ruining anything else.

* * *

Stripped bare, face burning and torn apart, Shin was flushed and barely able to keep from vibrating with sheer energy. So ready, anticipation boiling through him over and over, knowing that he was going to be screaming and begging soon. That Drifter was a killer, plain and simple, and he was going to kill Shin. All because he was going to let him, had pleaded for him to.

Eager, nearly scrambling to comply, to be good, he let himself lie back on the bed. Looking up at Drifter, hands fluttering with tension by his sides, the half-eaten part of his face turned towards the man. Part for easier viewing and appreciation, part because the cool air of the Derelict felt better than the rough fibres of the blankets against raw and bleeding skin. "Please," he murmured, knowing it was unnecessary. That Drifter was going to be good to him, and he didn't have to beg any more. Knowing that it was good and enjoyable to anyway. "Want you to be full of me, please."

* * *

Drifter grinned in that dangerous way of his again when he watched Shin quickly move to obey what he'd been told to do. Walked over nice and slow. "Be patient, dear. Told ya I don't wanna rush. But it's ok, promise I'll get to it. Devour all of you, every single little bit. You want that, right?" He knew Shin did, of course, but fuck if hearing him talk about it wasn't a huge, exciting rush of its own.

The Lightbearer settled himself on top of his hunter again, straddling him once more, just as he had that morning. Though with him fully clothed and Shin naked and pinned to the floor, the hunter looked a lot more vulnerable, smaller. One of Drifter's hands grabbed at a wrist, the other one stroking at the cuts on Shin's cheek, sweetly, speaking with the emphasis of reverence. "You are so beautiful like this."

* * *

He nodded quickly, almost apologetic. "Yes sir. I want that more than anything." He could be patient though, would be patient. "Wanna be all yours and-" and then he'd be safe and protected and Drifter wouldn't ever be alone and neither would he because Drifter would have him with him always and Shin would only be meat until he was wanted as a person again. "- just want to be food for you. Make you strong."

His piece said, Shin forced himself still and small and vulnerable beneath Drifter's weight. Did his best not to whine at the fingers on abused skin, not to spread his legs and try buck upwards regardless. He just focused on being pretty and edible and good, staying good until Drifter took mercy on him.

* * *

"Oh, you are. You will." Drifter could already feel the strength of the Darkness swirling inside of him growing, how pleased his Worm was, screaming triumph in the wordless language of the Deep, which could take worlds apart or grant power beyond anything the dogma of the Sky could ever imagine. All his. Everything Shin was, all his to feed on and grow ever stronger.

The grasp on the wrist turned harsher, Drifter raised it until the hunter's hand was right in front of his face. Kissed the palm and every finger in turn, before taking one of them, the index, into his mouth, sucking on it with just a hint of teeth for a long moment. And then, biting down, hard enough to sever the whole thing. Letting Shin see it sit inside his mouth before he started chewing, crushing flesh and bone together.

* * *

The pressure coming from Drifter was incredible, even if it was only in Shin's head. Felt like he was being crushed beneath it, body fine and mind shattering in place, kept relatively whole only by the way the weight pressed everything in place. The collar about his neck was burning ice cold, and he realised that he hadn't even noticed the pull all day. Hadn't even felt it snaked along his spine and worked into the meat and fibre of him because it had just felt like him perfectly aligned with Drifter's will. Like something Drifter had done when he froze him had bound him better, made it so Shin was just an extension of his will. It was a nice idea, that. Probably not true, but nice. As it was he swallowed against the band, felt it tighten in response. Good. God, it was good.

He screamed out a rough and broken-off yell when Drifter bit into him, hand shaking uncontrollably in his grip as he pulled away, the last strands of flesh severing. Couldn't keep the noises that followed quiet enough for his liking, but the sight of Shin's trigger finger sat on Drifter's tongue before being mangled and turned into meat and fuel and food for Drifter to conquer everything with went right through him. Had him whining, thrusting desperately up against his bulk. In one bite, he'd been made safe. Reduced to nothing but meat, more of a breathing larder than anything else. Wanting, desperate, bleeding.

* * *

Every part that Drifter had sampled so far had had such different textures, but they all shared a strong flavour that he was happy to be able to now recognise as uniquely Shin's. It lingered on his tongue even after he swallowed down the mass the finger had been reduced to, a satisfying aftertaste.

The noises and whines were beautiful, and the thrusting, well... Drifter considered stopping it, chastising his hunter for moving without his permission. Instead, he moved back against it, encouraging it. Might as well let the man find some pleasure while he could, because this was going to hurt. Drifter leaned down to nuzzle at Shin's shoulder, and then almost immediately bite a good chunk out of it, as much as he could get into his mouth.

* * *

Drifter was grinding down against him, letting him find some little satisfaction even if he was simply rutting up against the man's chaps in a motion that was more raw friction and pain than pleasure. It felt like a punishment more than anything, but he couldn't stop doing it. Just chasing that sensation, painful as it might be.

Then again, that wasn't pain. Drifter taking his finger, his face, that was pain. The twitching fearful mess he became when the man sank his teeth into the meat of him though, pulled away muscle until the bone broke through, that was good. Sent another surge of arousal, a painful thing that couldn't even really process this besides the blood soaking through Drifter's beard and the press of him against Shin's length. The scraps of meat visible between his teeth as he chewed against the large chunk of skin and flesh. Eyes still fixed on it, awed and adoring and wanting forever.

* * *

He had to work hard to separate the meat and muscle from the body completely this time, jaw working with darkness assisted strength, the invisible feeling of it coating his teeth into an inhuman sharpness. Drifter took the big chunk ripped out of his hunter and made a satisfied, victorious groan, wild eyes looking back into Shin's own as he swallowed the entire thing after barely chewing it at all. It felt easy, like the Deep was pulling it in from inside him, just as hungry for it as Drifter himself was.

And god, just the look on that face. Somehow Drifter knew he didn't have it in himself to feel bad about doing this, because it was the truth of his nature, and honouring it was now the lifeblood that maintained his existence. But if he'd had any doubts, that look from his hunter would be enough to make them disappear, so adoring and eager for it. Drifter got close again to eat at the edges of the chunk he'd taken out of Shin's shoulder, practically getting his whole face into it.

* * *

A ragged moan as Drifter somehow, impossibly, simply swallowed the chunk of bloody meat down and pressed himself back in for more. His face was slick with gore, bloody as it sought out his flesh and Shin reached one shaking mutilated hand up to his head to press him further into the hole he had made. No real strength behind it, just acceptance and encouragement of what the proper order of things was. Drifter, his jaw working at Shin's flesh, pressing so beautifully against him and taking everything he wanted from the body he owned. Shin, crying and shaking in pain even as he jerked up in dazed and blissful lust. Didn't know if the words in his head were coming out in any form that made sense, all frantic and incoherent pleas and thanks and adorations.

* * *

Drifter could barely hear the almost incoherence coming out of Shin's mouth, muted as it was by the much nearer sounds of tearing flesh, wet meat, his own bloody mouth at work. He could feel the emotion behind it all, though, the claim feeding back that tribute of adoration and submission, a sweet counterpart to the stark taste of the meat.

The hand on his head felt almost gentle, encouraging, and Drifter rumbled low in his throat, taking his tongue out to explore the ruined flesh in front of him, tasting and prodding and pushing until he found the solidity of bone he was looking for.

* * *

He just kept going, eating and eating until Shin couldn't think past the gaping hole in him, until Drifter stopped tearing and chewing at the meat of him, and slowed a little. Exploring the new plane of his body that had been created, the ragged edges and torn flesh weeping fluid and blood against his face and tongue. Soaking his beard and face, letting him taste right into the core of him.

This was... He'd known that this would hurt. That it would be near unbearable, and he'd have to try so very hard to be good for Drifter. He didn't think he was managing it, chest heaving and body shaking as it was made less and less and Drifter became more and more. Still babbling without thought, without focus, swallowing mindlessly the blood still flowing from his ruined face.

* * *

He was glad he'd chosen this position, which helped him use his own weight to keep Shin pinned down and not thrashing around too much, still shaking but not nearly enough to make Drifter lose track of what he'd been looking for inside him. The Lightbearer retracted his tongue just so he could push his face in deeper and grab at his hunter's collarbone with his teeth.

For a moment, he just held it there, running his tongue over the slick smoothness of it, enjoying the strange texture and the feeling of being connected in this strange, intimate way, forcefully grabbing at the structure of the man with his mouth and teeth, the instruments of his destruction.

* * *

Drifter bit down on something in him, a dull click of teeth behind the wet squelch of his face pressing up against flesh. He stayed there, buried in Shin's body, and it was hard to understand if the hurt was better or worse than the gnawing away at him. This wasn't - the scrape of teeth on bone, the slight pull against his chest and shoulder, they all melded together in his head. Pain, yes, but something so deep and confusing to his body that it almost didn't register on that level. He shifted back, just to feel Drifter's teeth anchored to his body. Knowing that there was nothing he could do to escape.

His hand wasn't so much pressing down against Drifter's head as just stroking clumsily at the hair. Still shaking, every movement pulling at the way they were connected.

* * *

This was nice, just holding onto Shin like this and feeling the shift of his body in the most visceral way. But, well, Drifter was still hungry. And he couldn't help himself any longer - Holding back for just a few long moments had been difficult enough, the Dark screaming inside of him to keep going, and so he did now, crushing down on the bone with all the enhanced strength of his jaw behind it, feeling it quickly cracking and shattering. Pulling back and to the side to force further breakdown.

He loved the resistance it offered, the slight challenge, having to call on his Deep just that little more to break through it. Oh, Shin was so wonderful to him, giving such a gift for him to enjoy. He loved his hunter so deeply, completely, utterly.

* * *

The noise Shin made was more animal than human, arm suddenly agony to hold up against Drifter. Struggling to inhale, body flinching and writhing beneath as he worried at the bone like a dog, ripped further at his shoulder until the length of splintered white was wrenched entirely from its seating. The ice around his neck pulsed, a shock of arousal almost as a reward for the destruction his body was undergoing. Shifting his hips, pressing up without any real expectation of pleasure but perhaps some form of release which could be obtained.

It was ok. It was going to be over soon. Drifter would keep eating him and he could stop being and become. Maybe this was the unmaking, what they'd all been looking for. Being rendered nothing but screaming twitching flesh and then made nothing at all. He tried to focus on that, channel his will towards it. Becoming part of Drifter, submission in its ultimate form, being unmade so that Drifter could be made more.

* * *

This was... A brand of submission that was so completely other, closer to the inhuman natures they both kept inside themselves than anything a person could experience or provide. But not feeling dissociated from their bodies because of it, somehow instead being more at one with their physical form than ever before, the metaphysical-flesh and matter-flesh interchangeable, indistinguishable.

Drifter bit at the broken bone until he could get a long, ragged splinter to break away from it. He then drew back and let it fall into his own hand, examining it briefly and grinning wide, wild. It was bigger than the knife the Lightbearer had been using before, with sharp irregular edges.

It would make for one especially painful, beautiful improvised blade to cut him open with.

* * *

Worrying at the bone, yanking it this way and that. The meat of him tore a little further, another small gush of red that joined the pooling mess beneath him. Sickening, decadent in it. The room was going to smell of Shin and the blood Drifter spilled from him, all heavy metal and biting heat.

There was a piece of Shin in his lover's hand, wrenched apart from him and wielded against him. He bared his throat without thought, ready for the cut that would bring nothing, before his head cleared. No. More pain, Drifter consuming him. Lowered his chin again, bracing himself instead for the hurt that would surely follow. Beautiful, anticipatory.

* * *

Drifter brought the shard of bone up to his lips, licked at the flat of it, slow and deliberate, a lazy moan falling out of his mouth, finishing the display with a kiss. Showing clear adoration for every part of Shin he could get his hands on.

Judging that to be enough of a break for his hunter, he lowered the bone knife and started using it to cut from the gaping wounded hole expanding from his shoulder and collarbone down, down towards the chest and ribs. The blade's irregular serrated edge getting caught in the meat of him, tearing apart more than cutting most of it.

* * *

His own mouth watered just a little, watching Drifter enjoy himself so much with the piece of Shin he'd reclaimed. It only reaffirmed what he already knew; he'd made the right choice to allow Drifter's claim on him. He was loved, appreciated, every part of him wanted so badly that Drifter would break him apart simply to get his hands on it.

When he was given himself back, of course, it was even better. Not quite sharp enough for the job, Drifter's dark-fuelled strength enough to rip him open along the way. He was screaming maybe, without any real sound escaping from his throat as the collar pulsed again. Just ragged and broken cries, a high-pitched gasp for breath as his chest shuddered. Snapping Drifter's ribs apart had been beautiful, splaying him open to admire and destroy. Maybe he'd be allowed to watch when Drifter ate his heart, for the moments before he ended.

* * *

It took a bit of work, but Drifter soon got to glimpse the line of one of Shin's ribs. Growled deep at it, unthinking, compelled by his darker instincts to lean in and let his teeth join the bone-blade in ripping away chunks of the hunter's meat, swallowing all of them down, clearing his way.

When he had almost one entire rib with the flesh around it all eaten up, Drifter grabbed at it, wrapped his fingers tight around it and concentrated the dark into his next movement, snapping the slender bone broken.

* * *

Finally, finally, he had begun to reach the point where pain simply became sensation and he could begin to float inside his head. The claim cradled him, winding itself up and down his spine as he panted in animal need. Drifter flensing him, removing the flesh from around bones that were too young for the weight they carried, exposing them to the cold and dark that flowed through the pair of them. He was cleaning Shin’s chest, setting it free from meat and warmth.

Then, once it was ready, he took the rib away from Shin. Another scream as bone broke and the nerves running beneath tore free, a full body flinch. Drifter had lost them all, had been broken apart, and Shin envied him in that moment the bliss of being exposed to a lover’s gaze. Drifter’s own form of seeing worked well though, made him whine low and desperate.

* * *

Hastily, greedily, Drifter took the end of the bone he'd just broken into his mouth, sucking at it to eat of Shin's marrow, closing his eyes just for a moment as it hit his tongue, so rich and thick that it felt like it was going to stay coating the inside of his mouth forever. As he sucked at more of it, eyes opened and staring into Shin's now - His with a Darkness so deep it could drown you, Shin's hazy and wet with tears - Drifter hoped he was accurately communicating the incredible, indescribable feeling of eating at such a delicate, hidden part of the man he loved and owned. With his gaze, and the downright filthy noises rising up from low in his throat.

Of all the parts he'd tasted so far, this was his favourite, and the one whose flavour most aligned with the aftertaste high quality, willing tribute left on his tongue. Clean and pure somehow, a lovely unique something he would only manage to describe as an almost-sweetness. His hunter distilled down into an essence, an action. The breaking of bones, the eating of marrow.

* * *

He couldn’t look away, couldn’t blink; not that he needed to, eyes already so wet that it hardly mattered. Drifter was captivating, eyes that felt like he was falling forward into them, face and hands and front coated in wet gore. And in his mouth, Shin’s rib. He was making sounds of such pure enjoyment and lust that if things were otherwise Shin would already have his mouth stretched wide around him, doing anything he could to facilitate more of those noises.

Instead he just watched, noises of his own spilling from his ruined face, dazed with sensation. Drifter, cracking him open and stripping the marrow from him. Taking everything, the most inaccessible parts of him, making them his own so that Shin had and was nothing. Making all those beautiful noises because it was Shin on his tongue and moving into him. He didn’t deserve this, couldn’t deserve this much from the man he loved.

* * *

The Lightbearer made sure the bone was totally empty before he stopped working at it, carefully leaving it to one side. He'd promised, and he was fully intending to use all of Shin, in one way or another, eventually.

Then he looked back at his hunter. A calculating gaze, taking stock of the condition he was currently in, how much more he'd be able to take before passing out or passing away. Shin was not only resilient and doing his best, but the Darkness flowing through the claim was keeping things together and working further than might be expected.

"You are being very good. I am so proud." Drifter spoke soft and low, while his hand found the wound in Shin's side, the one he'd made this morning, fingers digging in deep.

* * *

A noise of needy pleasure at that, wordless and adoring. He was good, he was being good for Drifter by opening up so well beneath him. Tasting good, breaking easy, keeping present enough that he could be worth hurting so nicely. A smile, all wrong without the lower part of it, fingers twitching limply against Drifter's shoulder.

He didn't think he could speak right; his mouth and face too mangled, throat ragged and bleeding. But Drifter could know and feel things without being told sometimes, and Shin was broadcasting the twisted mess of positive feelings louder than he could think through. Even when the fingers began working their way into him, ripping the careful stitches from that morning, joy kept burning in his chest. This was a familiar pain, welcome. He'd been thinking about the hole in him all day, about just slipping his fingers inside and feeling around. Had reminded himself it was Drifter's space to explore, his new ground to tread. Shin had gotten to enjoy the other first, it was only fair to give him that same wonderful gift. And now he was rewarded, fingers pressing painfully into his belly.

* * *

Drifter curled his fingers in, completely coated in that delicious warm gore, the flesh moving with them as he pulled in such a way to widen the existing wound. Soon it was big enough for him to get his entire hand inside Shin, working it in careful and slow, all the while kissing his hunter's ruined face, taking small bites out of his cheek. Getting a piece between his teeth and drawing his head back, ripping some more to bite down properly on.

He barely could interpret all he was feeling right now. There was his own sensation and emotion, distorted and amplified by the equivalence of opposites that was now forever established in his brain. The Deep, pleased but ever hungry, screaming in triumph and encouragement and threat. And Shin, loud through it all, transmitting into the core of him such a level of love, pain, enjoyment, fear, adoration... Well, all of that together, there could really be nothing else like it.

* * *

Ha. Being stretched and prepared was familiar at least, something he knew how to cope with even if it was so much worse like this. Almost felt worse than the initial wound, the stitches placing far more ripping pressure on the places the thread had gone through flesh. They all tore though, one after another as Drifter pushed his fingers through and kept going. A hand, seated inside him to the wrist, blood-slick edges of the wound clinging hungrily to it as if they could seal him inside forever. It hurt, an agony he could only appreciate from a distance because to fully understand or experience it would be to pull away from the calming hold of the claim. Drifter helped though, kept him distracted with other little agonies. Kissing and tearing at him in turn until one meant the other anyway.

There was a hand shifting around inside his belly, pressing against the most sensitive parts of him, and Shin was so very hard that he was leaking against Drifter's thigh. He moaned low, shifted just a little to feel Drifter's hand move in him and to snatch a moment of friction.

* * *

There wasn't really a big plan - Drifter was simply following his impulses, his nature, and then a small part at the back of his brain worked through the practicalities, making him understand what his next move should be to achieve what he wanted. He'd always been very good at improvising, figuring things out as he went when plans simply weren't enough, or didn't go well.

So, it was only in that same moment he knew what his next step would be. He bit at Shin's earlobe, a small treat, and nibbled on the soft shell of his ear in between encouraging, sweet, possessive reassurances whispered right into it. Trying to keep his hunter's attention while the hand was worked further and further inside his body, until it found the organ it was looking for, Shin's liver.

* * *

Words were becoming a little hard to understand, but he did his best as Drifter poured them into his ear. He relaxed a little once it became clear that they were claiming him and owning him, the verbal equivalent of a hand against his throat. Calming and wonderful and dangerous. He bit against his ear, gentler than he had in a while despite the strength Shin now knew was in those jaws, and the hunter squirmed up against him, whimpering with a restrained desperation. He hadn't been touched at all, it hadn't been the point of what they were doing, but he was close now and it made it so hard to think and feel properly.

He was torn between pressing into the sensation and ignoring what was going on inside him, chasing pleasure over all else, and watching rapt as Drifter searched through him. The wound screaming, forced wider as Drifter's thickening forearm pressed through. The strange sensation of his belly being moved and distended from the inside, painful but captivating in the extreme. This was what he'd been wanting, for so long. To be sobbing gently while his insides were played with, ready to be taken from him at a moment's notice.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer had to use a significant amount of concentration not to just crush the organ with his hand, gently hold it in such a way that didn't damage it. Part of him just wanted to tighten his fingers and feel the slick gore ooze between them, lick the ruined remains out of his hand while Shin shut down completely under him.

But that'd be too quick. A small payoff at cost of everything else he could do to his hunter while he was still present enough to know it and feel it. So instead Drifter found the places where the organ connected to the body, slowly, methodically, and proceeded to pinch and freeze and sever, Dark coating his fingers and nails.

* * *

He couldn't... there wasn't sensation, not in the same way. His body had never anticipated this potential when it formed, hadn't laid in the right channels to comprehend what Drifter was doing inside of him. A sharp pain laid over the skin somehow, brain chewing up confusing signals and spitting them out somewhere that made sense. Of course there wasn't a hand around whichever piece of meat Drifter had decided to consume next, of course not. Clearly, the skin of his stomach was being stabbed through by invisible needles, that made much more sense.

A chill spread through his abdomen, almost managing to numb the pain as Drifter continued to move around inside him. Regardless of the mess of sensation, there was a distinct feeling of bodily wrongness that was only exacerbated by the continued movement beneath his skin. He wanted to keep Drifter in there forever, if he could, pressing inside him and rearranging what made him up according to his will. More, though, he wanted to watch him take the best parts and devour them. Wanted anything, really. Whatever Drifter wanted to give him. The perverse closeness and intimacy of it though, even as muscles twitched and spasmed in restrained agony, was something of a joy.

Maybe he could rest like this, let Drifter fix whatever in him was broken. Remove the rot, wake up fresh and without those parts of him he didn't need. For a moment, his mind even began the process, the cool promise of darkness beckoning. But, no. No, Drifter wanted him awake. A burst of icy pain down his back, filling his head with cold until he could taste the bite of snow on his tongue through the blood. Reprimand and aid both; he wasn't allowed to be separate from his body and what was to be done with it. He was to love it, and die when Drifter said he could.

* * *

Drifter cradled the organ gently but firmly in his hand, started removing his arm from inside his hunter with a wet sucking sound, gore-coated skin somewhat protected from the chilly air but still deeply feeling the loss of the all-encompassing warmth of Shin's insides.

As soon as he could see the dark brown meat sliding out of the enlarged wound, though, all of Drifter's attention went to it. He wanted to swallow the whole thing immediately, growling with the effort of stopping himself, slowing down, raising the hand so Shin could see what Drifter had taken out of him, how careful and eager he was being despite his clear Hunger.

* * *

Shaking, barely able to catch breath with how quickly his chest was expanding and contracting, every movement painful with the broken off rib, but nothing compared to the way Drifter's full hand stretching the wound around it felt. Like he was being ripped apart even though he was already split open. Ragged moans, broken apart by the gasping breaths. Empty, after that. Belly going flat and gore-spattered, without the fullness of Drifter inside him. It pulled a sound of misery from him, the longing for that strength and careful harm inside him.

And then quieting, going frantically still as Drifter growled harsh and deep. Some buried prey instinct, desperately believing that he might live if only he could freeze well enough to be invisible. The dark wet thing he had taken from inside him though, that caught his attention. The meat was one thing, close to the surface enough for him to understand. Bone, too, seemed to make sense. But this... This was the opacity of the human body, things that he knew objectively the function of but could not quite conceive as working in the same way he knew the flex and pull of muscle on bone. In Drifter's hands, now. He nodded, barely. Some kind of approval, blessing, his hand shaking uncontrollably. Wanted to watch it happen, see Drifter take what kept him alive into him.

* * *

It was only a few seconds, but the long moment before he brought the organ to his own face felt like an eternity to Drifter, the Deep and his own stomach both screaming at him, the fact that he had that warm slick meat right on his palm and wasn't feeding of it immediately judged absolutely unacceptable.

But then, finally, finally sinking his teeth down into it. Barely any resistance offered by the dark meat, thick ribbons of it sliding down his tongue and throat with every bite, until he had devoured the whole thing. The taste lingered thickly, bloody and metallic, but smoother and heavier than blood itself, and Drifter licked the remains out of each of his own fingers, greedy for all of it.

* * *

He couldn't blink, couldn't look away from the beauty of Drifter sinking sharp teeth into his liver. He was still twitching, hardness still rubbing against the other's thigh without thought. He wasn't even fully conscious of it as his good hand moved to wrap around his cock. Moving without really being aware, swallowing dry and wanting as Drifter poured the large piece of wet flesh down his throat.

It wasn't even hugely important as he arched and came, still looking up at Drifter in reverence. Just meant that he was more pliant, body sweet and thick with chemical bliss while a deeper joy resounded through him. He went limp, head lolling back, arm falling back to his side. No tension, no fear.

* * *

Drifter barely registered when Shin had started touching himself, only fully becoming aware of it as his hunter came, leaning down to kiss his forehead. Good to know the man was enjoying this enough for that to even be a consideration still - After all, he had started this because Shin had wanted him to, and Drifter wanted it to be as good for him as possible, that was still in the forefront of his mind.

Didn't mean he wasn't focused on his own enjoyment as well, though, sampling and eating of Shin at his leisure. That Drifter loved all of him this much, in this brutal, visceral, consuming way, well, it was clearly a big part of the reason why his hunter had wanted and enjoyed this. Drifter thought he'd very much like a kidney, next, as he pushed his hand right back inside Shin, faster this time that he wasn't creating a completely new pathway.

* * *

God. He loved, distantly, the small gestures of affection Drifter was still giving him. Even while he ate away at him, scooped him out and made him hollow, he managed to be present. Show love, make him feel good. He closed his eyes for a moment, savoured it before the press back inside him forced them open.

It was good to be filled again, even through the pain. The stretch was easier now, less ripping to be done, but the other was being far from gentle as he searched around for what he wanted. A hand pressed in on his belly, just lightly. Just enough to feel the solidity of knuckles beneath the skin, something that would have had him whining in need if he hadn't been spent. As it was, it simply felt satisfyingly overwhelming. There was Drifter. In him, taking, strong and reliable. The claim curled through him, pleased by how his body was accepting its fate. Working just a little to keep him alive for it, without having to draw on the unpredictability of his shard.

* * *

His hand had to move around inside his hunter for a bit before Drifter found what he wanted. The soft wet writhing of intestines was fascinating - It almost felt like they were trying to snake around his arm, his wrist, pull him in deeper and tempt him to stay inside forever.

The kidney, once properly cut off from the rest of the body, came out easily enough. This time Drifter didn't restrain himself. He simply leaned back, made an animal sound that was not unlike a moan, but more of a pleased grunt, and took the whole thing into his mouth to swallow whole.

* * *

It... It shouldn't have gone in. Not easy anyway, the curving mass of it stretching his lips just wide enough that surely the throat could not open so easily around it? Shin watched, rapt, head light and cold with the claim's bright assistance.

He was empty again, yes. Growing emptier every time, Drifter pulling more and more from him each time he withdrew. That was fine though; it made more space for Drifter if he wanted it. The kidney slid down the man's throat, made it bulge obscenely in the process but went inside him nonetheless. Good. True.

* * *

The kidney, like the rest of the meat he'd eaten, contributed to a pleasurable feeling of fullness inside of him, not erasing the Hunger but feeding its power, feeding the connection to the Deep which was that Hunger.

Drifter wanted to keep emptying Shin, he wanted to open him up completely and eat of his insides directly. Not carefully taking out pieces but destroying him in mere seconds. It was becoming harder and harder to hold back that instinct.

As if trying to channel that energy, he grabbed Shin's wrist and yanked that same ruined hand to his mouth, chewing hard on two fingers at once with a rumbling groan, not bothering to bite them off first.

* * *

Bone crunched, flesh mangling beneath Drifter's teeth as he bit down. Dragged another scream out of him, arm jerking as if trying to pull away. Fruitless, the meat of him firmly anchored by the jaws closed around it. The motion did at least tear the flesh a little, release more blood into the other's mouth.

Shin, beneath him, was beginning to feel the sucking dark at the edges of him. Fingertips, toes, lip. The knowledge that Drifter's want to hurt him and Shin's own determination could not override biology forever. He'd die, and it would be over. Meant that he could override the pain a little with enough want, shoved the last finger inside Drifter's mouth too. Wanted to watch him devour as much as he could before the end, if it was coming. Live as long as he could, lose everything he could stand to lose.

* * *

Drifter worked his jaw at the bloody, soft-and-hard mess, crunching bone and tearing flesh, ruining that last finger along with everything else. It was good, comforting, to have his mouth so full of something he could chew on properly again. The organ meat was excellent, and he so loved the feeling of taking something from the inner workings of his hunter, making it truly his own. But this, well. There was a beautiful simplicity in the ruin of the physical form Shin presented to the world, erasing that image through this savage act of ownership, the person they all thought they knew and only Drifter could take apart, to see the reality of the man, the core of him.

He wished it wasn't the case, but he knew the ending was close. Shin was being so, so good, though, and he deserved something real special for it. Something he'd love, to send him into the dark with.

* * *

Sobbing, gently. Hand ruined, a mess of flesh and bone and it kept twitching at fingers that were simply no longer there. He wished he could feel them, mangled though they were, as they went inside Drifter and found a home there. It was good, it was where he was meant to be. Was going to be, even if it hurt just a little that he wouldn't know it as it happened. Meat didn't think though. And he was going to be meat, was meat in every way but, which meant no thinking.

Still, he could love. Fiercely, by the way his chest burned over and over. With every formless noise and helpless twitch of his body, the way he kept breathing, heart beating just so that Drifter could stay like this with him just a little while longer. Stealing seconds from the dark creeping along his fingers.

* * *

Swallowing hard, letting the rest of the arm fall away. He'd deal with it later, of course, make good use of it. But now Drifter shifted his focus back to Shin's face, or what was left of it, leaning in close. Nuzzled at the bloody ruin of his cheek.

"My darlin' hunter, makin' me so proud. Just hold on a lil' more, alright, sweetheart? I've got ya. You'll be restin' soon enough, and then back with me." His voice was a drawl sweet and thick like honey, spoken right on Shin's ear before pulling back a little again.

Fingers stroked up the cheek that was still mostly intact, upwards into the eye socket, pushing in, breaking in, scooping out everything as well as they could. Just one of the eyes, though. Drifter wanted his hunter to be able to see how he ate of it out of the one he had left.

* * *

The noise he made in response to Drifter's honeyed words was one of breathless, wordless agreement. Devotion, ragged though his throat was from screaming. He'd do anything, as long as Drifter asked it of him. He could stay alive just a little longer, keep himself moving and breathing 'til he was allowed to go. The claim bolstered him, provided what support it could to keep him available for Drifter to hurt.

And hurt him he did, beautiful, again. Vision distorting rapidly, then flashing red with agony. A crack of bone and a sickening flood of wet down his cheek as the eyeball broke. Leaking thick ooze, Drifter tearing at the lid and taking all of it to drink down. He wasn't even screaming any more, the pain soundless and consuming. Couldn't look away either, wanting to see and know that he was seen. That he was good, was being good and tasting good.

* * *

So wonderful, beautiful, those noises his hunter kept making, no words left, but words wouldn't have communicated his meaning any more clearly. It was perfect, he was perfect. Tasted more than perfect, as Drifter licked the remains of bloody ooze out of his palm. Licking his hand until it was completely clean, just to see it, feel it get covered in that delightful gore again once he started pushing fingers deeper into the place he had taken the eye from.

"This is it, sweetheart. Your life in my hands, yes? All mine, all of you, just like it should be." Fingers as deep as they would go, touching bone. A burst of targeted, freezing Dark travelling down his arm, hand, to his fingertips, to the hardness of Shin's skull, turning it brittle enough to break with a final push, up and back, inwards. "Lemme get you there now."

* * *

He keened, mouth opening wider as if his mind's learned response to Drifter pressing deeper into his skull was to try and swallow around him. Felt alien, struggling to process the feel of fingertips against places nothing was meant to touch. Wet pressure, just for a moment, sending a jolt of something through his body. Then pain, of course. Pushing deeper past muscle and viscera, the twitching and jerking of his skull as his body's response to the agony. Drifter was speaking, and the words weren't making sense past the squirming screaming hurt of it. The possessive nature of it closed against his neck though, and he knew its meaning well enough. Tried to lie still and well, tilt his head right despite the involuntary flinch to let Drifter press deeper inside him.

Something crunched, a split and then sharp agony lanced through his skull. Choked on nothing, jaw slamming shut and the other eye twitching wildly.

* * *

His fingers would not go in any deeper, knuckles pressed hard on flesh and bone. Instead, Drifter called on the Deep and sent tendrils of darkness forward. Pushing into and all around Shin's brain. Physically now, just like Drifter had wormed his way into his hunter's brain metaphorically, metaphysically, slowly over the past month. And yet, both of them ultimately welcomed, accepted, wanted. He felt so lucky, so loved.

The grip of his darkness tightened into the spongy meat, shredding not the actual flesh but the connection between neurons, feeding of that energy, shutting things down from the inside, sending Shin to his death gentle, intimate and slow.

* * *

His head hurt, like it was going to burst, frantic with the pressure build up as something that was not meant to be there pushed its way through into the cavity of his skull. Fluid gushed past Drifter's fingers, flooding down across the ruin of Shin's face as whatever Drifter was pouring into him displaced it. Salty against his lips, seeping into torn flesh.

He fixed his gaze on Drifter, knowing that this was it and he had done it. Made it far enough that he would be put down gentle and sweet and then made flesh alone. Then things fractured, losing coherency, pain dropping away. The body convulsed, eye losing focus as the muscles lost control. Face slackening, losing sensation as his mind was destroyed. It took a long few moments, everything dimming until all that was left was the knowledge of fading and a rush of dark, and then with little fuss the hunter stopped existing.

The body took a little while to catch up with that; automatic processes kept working for a little while, heart beating and chest inflating for a good half minute before the claim stopped keeping it functional without any real remnant of a person left to own. It fell still, empty.

* * *

"Shhh, that's it, it's ok." Drifter murmured soft reassurances as the body convulsed and shut down, continuing even after he knew Shin couldn't hear them anymore, taking his hand away, moving to the side and wrapping his arms around the body to hold it in his lap as it discontinued all function, stroking the hair back.

His hunter was gone now, and he'd left behind a wonderful bounty of good meat. Drifter couldn't let any of it go to waste, so he quickly got up and got to work. Found a proper butchering knife, using it expertly, with the muscle memory acquired after a thousand hunts, when knowing how to get as much meat as possible from your prey could be the difference between life and death, not only for yourself but for an entire village. Not his first humanoid body, either, or first human one.

Very, very little went to waste. Everything that could be was frozen or stored for cleaning and future use. Drifter wasn't sure how long it took, but once he was done, Shin still wasn't back. He sat on the floor next to the mess of gore that their bedding had become and told his Ghost to ask Shin's to bring him back. "Politely." He added, giving the little drone a pointed look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“Your broken ribs, the back of your head, your_  
_hand to your mouth or hand to now, right now, like you mean it, like it’s split-_  
_ing you in two. Now look at the lights, the lights.“_  
-Richard Siken


	26. Chapter 26

When Shin came back, it was... thinking was hard. As though something thick and cold were coating his tongue, throat, reaching back through every crevice of his skull and down his spine. Slowing his thoughts from the quick and flashing things they normally were, making them lazy and sluggish. An almost enforced peace, as he couldn't even summon the brainpower required for fear or anger or want. Just, breathing. Passive.

It was the calmest he'd felt in a long time, and it was without even a thought that he shared it with his ghost. Body utterly relaxed, mind finally wound down, absolutely no _need_. Shin always needed; needed to move, to act, there was always something missing. Something necessary to his existence and happiness that he had no access to, had to work for. Like this, though, he just... was. The ghost pressed reassurance back at him, tinged with faint worry, which made no sense at all. He was at peace, there was nothing to fear.

Eyes opened, searched with a visible slowness for what he knew would be there. Yes, there he was. That familiar form, the touch on his skin.

* * *

After a few moments, Shin was back there in the room with him. Whole, new, warm and pliant when Drifter touched him and pulled his hunter in close. He'd had time to satiate himself and reign in the Darkness, so despite the blood and gore covering him there was no more endless black in his eyes, no sharp edge in his smile, and his hands were oh so careful and gentle.

"Welcome back, love." He said, pressing a small kiss on Shin's lips, chaste and sweet. Looking down into Shin's face with an absolutely besotted look on his own, voice ragged with emotion and the previous strain on his throat.

* * *

Shin blinked up at him, eyes dull with contentment, leant carefully into the embrace. The cool skin on his felt good, slowed the heat roiling beneath his skin until it was at the same temperature as the rest of him. Like lava, oozing and cracking its way through him. Around his neck, the collar hung. Clean of the blood that had soaked the front of it, the wet gush of cerebrospinal fluid beneath its rim.

Raising one hand, motions slow as the rest of him, he flexed fingers idly. Remembered how it felt to have them gone, and smiled. Looking down at the slight swell of Drifter's belly, he pressed the hand gently against it. Not with any pressure, not wishing to cause him any discomfort. Just feeling it, swollen just a little with his flesh.

"Good?" He murmured, just as he always did.

* * *

Drifter smiled as he felt Shin's hand come to rest on his stomach. He put his own on top of his hunter's, nodded. "Very good. Perfect." Interlocking his fingers with Shin's, he brought the hand up to his lips, kissed the knuckle of every finger he had eaten before. "Thank you."

Those words felt so small for the kind of gratitude Drifter was feeling right now. He tried to put it into his eyes instead, his touch, hoping at least some of it would shine through. His hunter had to know, had to feel it.

* * *

He didn't quite understand Drifter, felt them to be quite even. Yes, he'd given Drifter his body to destroy and consume as he wished. That had been a gift. The way Drifter had used it though, to make him beg and scream and writhe beneath him, that had been of equal value. The other was pressing such strong feelings through the way they were connected though, against Shin's own slowed and vacant contentment, that he couldn't help but be overwhelmed by them. A perfect mirror to Drifter's own feelings, shone back to him.

"Thank you," he said back quietly, gratitude and joy and love in the words. Moved closer, lips pressing against whatever skin he could reach. Drifter had eaten him, liked it. He was good, good food for him. He closed his eyes, feeling the arm around his back as pure comfort.

* * *

A moan, escaping Drifter's lips without thought, at the feeling of Shin's mouth on skin still sticky with blood, and the emotion reflected back at him. He was feeling exhausted by the physical effort of it all and the work of managing the Deep, and still traitorous arousal rose up through it, having not found the kind of release Shin had.

That was okay, though, wasn't important. He'd be content as long as he got to hold his hunter close and know that he was alright, safe, that he had enjoyed everything that had been done to him, and was even _grateful_? God, he couldn't ever ask for more.

* * *

Sly, a want curled up at the back of Shin's mind through the place they joined one another. Not even a desire, more an option for it.

He licked at the drying gore, into Drifter's mouth. Letting the claim guide him just a little, just gently. His other hand came back up to the full stomach, spread over and pressed down just a little. Just enough that Drifter would be able to _feel_ it, that Shin could feel the pressure his own meat exerted back against him. And then lower, fingers stroking gently against the crease of his thigh and blossoming warmth into the sensitive skin. His hand in Drifter's, their mouths moving against one another.

He'd done so much work, making Shin meat in that way. He wanted to let him relax a little, press him back into the gore-soaked blankets and help his body to feel as good as Shin's did. He couldn't give him the same bliss that the absence of pain after so much agony brought, but he could tease out pleasure if he'd be allowed it. His hand hovered, not quite close enough to touch. Waiting for permission, a sign.

* * *

Drifter's breath caught in his throat at the feeling of Shin's tongue on his skin, the fact that his hunter was licking the remains of his own form really stirring something in the Lightbearer. He gasped softly into his hunter's mouth, kissing back just a little more intense as he felt the hand pressing gently on his stomach, feeling a bit lightheaded at the strange intimacy of the gesture. Shin inside him, but also out here, with him, touching him.

"We don't have to." Drifter murmured, though he could feel himself starting to go hard between his legs. "It's been a lot, for you, darlin'. We can just rest."

Part of him really wanted to rest. Lie down and cuddle. Another part of him, the one that was always demanding more, always tending towards motion and pushing for relentless action, well. All it wanted was for him to throw Shin on top of the gory bedding and fuck the hunter especially soft, slow, and hard into it.

* * *

Rest sounded nice, he thought. This body didn't need it though, not really. All fresh, all new. Free from pain and fatigue and everything else that should tie him to the world as evidence of him living in it.

Licking one stripe down Drifter's cheek, just to taste the mess of him properly. He inhaled sharply at the rich metal of it, the hand twitching slightly against where the remnants of his body lay.

"I know," he said with all the calm he could muster. "We don't have to, an' it's been a lot for you too." His thumb stroked slow and tender over the line of his hip. "But you made me feel so good an' I'd like to do the same."

* * *

A long shaky exhale, as Shin licked himself out of Drifter properly this time, like the hunter knew exactly how to target his instincts, knew what he wanted before he had even thought of asking.

Swallowing, the Lightbearer nodded. "Yeah, God, sweetheart, that sounds good, you're so good." It was a gravelly whisper, closing his eyes while his body clearly reacted favourably to Shin's touches and attentions, trying to press closer. Maybe it was ridiculous how little it took for Drifter to forget any emerging doubts, but he truly couldn't bring himself to care.

* * *

A smile against where his lips met Drifter's face. They'd do this again, he decided quietly. If Drifter would allow it, of course. But if he was in favour, if he'd indulge Shin like this again, he already knew that he wanted a repeat performance. Hell, the fact that Drifter was full, bloated on his flesh and still wanting more from him was achingly good.

Well, Shin liked to give. He opened Drifter's clothes a little, just enough that he could wrap long fingers around Drifter's length. Feel the shape of him, the presence. Moving slowly and gently, kissing into his mouth as he went until there was old blood sticky and smearing on his face. Working Drifter to full hardness, just trying to make him feel good without overwhelming. "Feels so good, knowing I'm inside you," he murmured.

* * *

Drifter took in a ragged breath, closed his eyes wanting to focus on that stimulation, the warm touch of Shin's fingers on him, moving with a rhythm so lovely and sweet. Made him kiss back slow, moaning into his hunter's mouth with practically every breath.

"Feels so g-good, darlin'. Havin' you inside me, too." Drifter had to bite his lip then, get himself together enough to speak again, rough voice straining under the effort. "I saved the rest, froze it. So I can have some whenever I want, until I've had _all_ of you." Just that idea might have been enough to get him fully hard, if he wasn't already, achingly so after what had been a very lengthy build up, in the best way possible.

* * *

A breathless little noise, heavy with lust. God. He could watch Drifter eating him again and again, knowing each time that he'd wanted it. Specifically wanted to be filled by Shin, sought it out. And then eventually, Drifter would have taken every part of his hunter inside, and they'd know for sure that he owned all of him.

His hands felt as though they were trembling, despite the smooth way he moved along Drifter's cock. Upping the intensity just a little to compensate for it, wanting to hear that little hitch in the other's voice once more. "Thank you," he managed, kissing again and again at Drifter's cheek. "God. Love you so much." The Lightbearer was so good to him, did everything just right. Treated Shin with a degree of reverence and care he wasn't sure he deserved, only when Drifter did it it all made sense. Hurt him so kindly, loved him even as he killed him.

* * *

"Ah, _fuck_-" The end of the growled exclamation trailed off into what was almost a whine, in response to the pace ramping up. Drifter wanted to let Shin take the lead for a few moments, let his hunter make him feel good like he'd said he wanted, but the Lightbearer could barely contain the stuttering movement of his hips against Shin's lovely hand.

"Love you, Shin. So much, always." Harder still to control his movements while shifting focus into speaking, a proper thrust breaking through Drifter's own resistance. He hooked two fingers on the collar, the other arm still around the hunter's waist, gentle, just tugging enough to move Shin from his cheek back against his mouth, kiss him deep.

* * *

Being moved around by his collar always felt so good, sent a bolt of something melting and strong down his spine that turned it soft. More panting, licking over his lips just to taste his own blood before Drifter took his mouth again. Opening up beneath the other's lips and tongue, brushing teasingly against teeth that he _knew_ could rip into him again as easily as they wanted. Had felt inside him, tearing him apart from the outside. He shuddered, couldn't help himself from moaning into Drifter's mouth and pressing his own hardness against him just a little. Just to feel that cool pressure.

Drifter moved against him, restrained but demanding. That was good, it was ok. There were other times for Shin to be in control, to treat him good and sweet until he spilled over his hand. This, with its sheer brutality not long behind them, was not that time. He'd been torn apart, butchered, and Drifter had done it because he'd asked him to so now it was time for him to find his pleasure however he wanted. Shin did think he might know what that was though, and so he broke the kiss just a little to offer it.

"Fuck me?" He panted, legs spreading pointlessly and hand still working against Drifter's flesh. The other inside him, even as he was inside _him_, the strange recursive nature of it. It appealed to something a little twisted in the hunter.

* * *

Goddamn, that was almost enough to make him lose his mind, the way Shin asked reminding him of how eager he'd been that morning. Wordlessly, with a deep groan as all answer, Drifter picked up his hunter and turned around to lower them both onto the blood-soaked bedding, positioning himself in between Shin's legs.

Kissing the soft new skin on that slender neck, making his way up to whisper into his ear, a hand on his hunter's chest pushing him down. "I did say I would, didn't I?" A breathy chuckle, hot breath on Shin's face, the smell of blood heavy on it. "Promised t'fill you up good, right? Bet you were thinkin' about it when you were gone, all day, hmm?"

* * *

Oh, this was right. Was better, somehow. That weight pressing him down, holding him securely in place for Drifter to enjoy as he liked. He shivered, head tilting back and to the side as kisses tickled and pressed at his throat, skipping over the collar before Drifter was speaking in his ear. He bit his lip, hard, trying not to just moan at that deep rumbling in his ear and the smell of himself on Drifter’s breath. That shouldn’t be as hot as it was, but some wires in Shin’s head must have crossed long ago. Blood beaded beneath his teeth, where the skin of his lips had torn.

“All the time,” he admitted, a little breathless. “Just wanted to be back here, back home with you.” There was blood and fat not yet dry on the blankets beneath him. Staining his back, sticking in his hair, the back of his thighs. Hadn’t realise that he could bleed quite so much. It was a good place to be though, right where he’d been broken open. “Just kept thinkin’ about you in me, how good it felt.”

* * *

Drifter hummed his approval, rumbling against his hunter's neck, almost a deep purr. He loved to hear about Shin thinking of him while he was away, how completely he had embedded himself into his brain. _'Back home, with you.'_ Yes. At home and right under him, exactly where he should be. "Good. Because I couldn't stop thinking about stuffing my cock into that tight little ass of yours, sweetheart."

The impatient, demanding side of the rogue Lightbearer had half a mind to thrust right into him, chasing his own pleasure, anything else be damned. Drifter grunted. No, if he was doing this, he was doing it properly, taking his time. He pulled back just enough to start working at taking his own clothes off. Not only were they covered in gore, Drifter remembered his hunter wanting to see him fully naked more often, and with how good he was being, Shin deserved anything he wanted.

* * *

The vibrations almost tickled, shaking through him. The beard scratched at him, still ever so slightly damp, still thick with blood and reeking of it. He sighed, content, turning his cheek against him as Drifter poured those beautiful filthy words into his ear. Felt good, knowing that he could keep Drifter wanting for him even so far away. That he'd been thinking about using his body and waited so well for it, indulged Shin's wants before his own. It was an odd kind of power, over someone he'd given the ability to destroy him.

Watching, rapt, he hummed in appreciation as more and more of Drifter's body was revealed to him. The broad expanse of his chest, thick hair and there. The slight swell of his stomach, already growing just slightly soft with good living and security, but now filled with Shin's body. A low whine in the back of his throat, fingers aching to touch and caress and let Drifter know just how much he loved his body and seeing him fully filled.

* * *

The way Shin was looking at him immediately made the delayed gratification worth it, a hundred times over. Drifter simply wasn't in the habit of thinking about his own body that much, if at all, and definitely not the way his hunter always was, admiring, adoring. God, that little whine, just from _looking_ at him.

He stopped before taking his pants off, stopping for a moment, then holding Shin's hand and bringing it up to his chest, guiding it down until it was right over his stomach, pressing in ever so slightly, saying nothing but just staring into his hunter's face with a half-smile, lust darkening his eyes.

* * *

Shin inhaled, sharp and bright, heat and ice mingling as his throat froze and chest burned and all of it felt so good. Spread his fingers beneath Drifter's hand, feeling again the flesh taut beneath his hand and the flesh below _that_ flesh. He was in there, below the skin. Giving up the strength in him. He wanted to lean in, press a kiss to it, but the way Drifter had him pinned made it impossible. Instead he just used what mobility he had to press and caress at him, admiring every inch of the man who'd claimed him. Kneeling over him, all power and dark and looking like he'd eat Shin all over again if he could, there was no one in the entire system who Shin could have said was more attractive. Sure, there were people with more technical beauty, more perfect features. But Drifter looked _strong_, filled with dark promise, and nothing compared to that.

"God, you really are somethin'," he said aloud, eyes meeting Drifter's own and a matching smile spreading over his face. "Best thing I've ever seen."

* * *

Shin's hand on his stomach made the rogue Lightbearer really feel how full he was, how much his hunter truly had given him, and the way he touched him with such appreciation and reverence sent shivers down his spine, made his cock twitch with need. Drifter moaned at the hunter's words, the sincerity of them, knowing Shin felt them as the absolute truth in such a breath-taking, meaningful way.

He wasn't good enough for this, to be worthy of all of it, God, so much, more than he'd ever dreamed of having in this life. All Drifter could do was try to honour his hunter's choice, make it worth it, become better. Make this good for him, make him enjoy it as much as he could.

Drifter got up to take his pants off, finish getting completely naked, though still wearing the chain with his ring on it, looking down at Shin, exposed and waiting. Fuck. He hurried to retrieve some lube from one of the drawers in the desk, and saw Shin's ring too, on top of the clothes he had been wearing before, taking it as well.

* * *

He managed not to whimper at the loss of Drifter's bulk pressing down on him. He missed, desperately, the way he felt beneath his fingers. Shin would touch and kiss and venerate every inch of the other's body if he could, pay it tribute the way he did the whole. That wasn't what Drifter wanted of him though, and it was ok. He wasn't to do, his role was to be done to. Right now, at least. No mouthing wet and wanting over the lines of Drifter's body, not today.

Instead, he did his best to be good. Not to writhe, nor touch his hardness. No noises, no begging, simply laying back in the mess of his own bloodstains and being pretty and pliant and available for Drifter's attentions. Fingers pressed against the damp blankets, brought tacky blood to his lips and sucked on them absently. Still waiting for Drifter, waiting for him to come back to Shin.

* * *

The image he was presented with when he turned to look at Shin again almost brought Drifter to his knees, immediately struck by the lascivious, obscene beauty of it. The way he sucked at the blood on his own fingers, happily laying on the gore soiled sheets, body relaxed as could be, an offering of a different kind this time, and Drifter just as ravenously hungry for it.

He took a few steps forward and knelt at his hunter's feet. The lube was left to one side for now, and his hands came to rest on one of Shin's knees each, opening his legs and letting Drifter settle in between them again. "C'mere, darlin'. I want you t'wear this again, while I make love to you." A hand came up to support the back of Shin's head, just to raise him up enough so that Drifter could get the thin silver chain back around his neck, get the ring back in its place.

* * *

Legs spread easily, Drifter's bulk pressing them apart and keeping them there. Nude now, beautiful in it. He lifted him up just a little, moving him around the way he wanted him, and Shin went easy. Blinking up at Drifter, flickering over his form even as the chain came to hang around his chest. Without thought, a mindless and frequently-enacted thing, one finger slid through the band and he ran his thumb over the outside again and again. A form of comfort, he supposed. Self-soothing with the cold and smooth metal.

He was lowered back down to the bedsheets, hair once more pressed flat and wet against them. It was hard not to be impatient, to want Drifter to force his way inside right away and use him however he pleased. But that wasn't what Drifter himself wanted, no. Shin was dimly aware of the concept, sure, it was an idea he'd come across. Hadn't ever considered it applying to himself, wasn't fully sure what it entailed besides fucking but with emotions. He'd thought they already did that, somewhat. Hoped he wouldn't do it wrong, that Drifter would guide him through it.

* * *

Seeing the way Shin took to fidgeting with the ring immediately, like he was so used to it and it was almost a natural reflex now, it really made something bright and warm bloom on Drifter's chest. He leaned over his hunter, hands cupping his face, to press a soft kiss against his lips. "There we go. Such perfection."

The rogue Lightbearer continued kissing his way down, hands caressing and stroking the lines of Shin's body, using them and his mouth to explore all of it, as if making sure his hunter had come back to him complete, safe. Murmuring little compliments all the while, a low litany of praise to reinforce the adoration in his touch. Finally, he got to Shin's thigh and licked a wide strip on the inner part of it, hands holding Shin's hips and raising them up slightly.

* * *

Drifter was intent on taking him apart without ever even pressing a finger inside him it seemed. The kisses and touches felt teasing at first, had his cock twitching against his stomach and leaking precum onto the smooth flatness of it. As he kept moving though, kept stroking and touching over his body, kept mapping out every inch of him, it shifted from just arousal to something deeper. The words in his ear helped as well, made it all calming, let that bubbling warmth bloom in his ribcage. Just making him feel good, not working him up or making him desperate the way Drifter's mouth normally did. He was still hard, still wanting, but he could manage not to squirm for contact beneath Drifter's lips and hands.

He was raised up just a little, angle improving, and his thighs shook with it. The press of a wet tongue against sensitive skin forced a small noise from him, a swallowed moan.

* * *

Drifter nuzzled against the sensitive skin, cheek pressed on his hunter's inner thigh, looking up to his face. So beautiful like this, something new in it, wanton, but not desperate, trusting that Drifter would give him what he needed in time.

He finally got some of the lube on his fingers, one of them finding its way between Shin's legs, circling his entrance, then pressing in just a little. "Relax for me now, darlin'. Gonna take care of you so good, show you how much I love you." Drifter spoke in a soft, firm voice, and then kissed the base of Shin's cock, adding a little more lube before trying to press in further.

* * *

The prickle of Drifter's beard against his inner thigh made him jump ever so slightly, a small involuntary jerk. He did his best to stay still though, back arched just a little and hips canted up into Drifter's grip.

The press of cold, slick fingers into and around him got another little hiss from him, the hunter doing his best to open up under the Lightbearer's ministrations. Trying to relax, welcome him in. He was almost too keyed up for it though. The strange thrumming current that had been running beneath his skin ever since he'd properly understood what was filling Drifter's belly kept him tense, anticipatory. Even if there was nothing to anticipate besides what was happening.

Come on. Be good. The claim did something, some clever trick inside his head that must have released one of the chemicals it liked to use as reward because with a pulse of cold around his throat he suddenly felt _good_ and went a little floppy. Letting Drifter in, a moan spilling uncontrollably from his lips at the stretch and burn of it.

* * *

It took a little bit more encouraging and gentle pressure until Drifter could get all of his finger in, but that was alright. Made him slow down, really get to appreciate his hunter's body. Moving it slowly in and out while he climbed up to kiss Shin's chest, his neck, his mouth, tongue pushing in just a little between his lips.

He was tender and soft in the most deliberate way, putting all his love behind every touch and through their bond, overflowing out of him. It seemed like more than any one person should be capable of feeling, and that might have truly been the case, taking into account what the rogue Lightbearer was becoming, or was making himself into

* * *

He closed his eyes, opening up a little beneath Drifter's mouth so that he could feel that press inside him from wherever it was offered. Every kiss and caress felt more complicated and laden with emotion than he could properly process. Just firing off more and more rushes of good feeling, until it nearly overwhelmed him and his body was barely his to control. Not that it was anyway, but the voluntary aspect of his submission was subsumed a little beneath the flood of affection and warmth and ice cold and liquid gold pooling in his veins. He was relaxed enough now with it that Drifter could likely have pried him open enough to fit anything he wanted inside with enough effort.

If this was all coming from Drifter, then the way they connected was growing into something he didn't know how to predict or understand. He remembered cold pressing through where his eye had sat, something he didn't understand happening after that, and thought that maybe something had been done to Shin's mind to anchor Drifter's claim more thoroughly there than before. Wondered if maybe he should worry about it, but despite everything he could feel the option to back out on his tongue. The potential to say no, to be left unfilled and untouched but still cared for and loved. That was enough, for him, to accept anything that Drifter had done to him.

* * *

Drifter could feel his hunter relaxing more now, responding to his affections, opening up to him. That was good, and he added a second finger, slowing down the pace of his hand again as he did so. Following the feedback from Shin's body, the sounds he was making as Drifter licked into his mouth, and what was flowing back at him through the claim. Felt different now, evolving, perhaps shaped by Drifter's will and the Deep that kept growing in him through the insistence on his own power.

It was still difficult to understand how it all worked, beyond some kind of instinctual, animal level. Beyond knowing it felt Right, and that he wanted more of it, wanted to explore it with his hunter and see where it would take them, together.

* * *

Felt good, having more and more of Drifter inside him, and the little noises of satisfaction and need that the pull of a second finger slipping into him made that clear. He spread his legs a little further, still trembling just a little and missing the feel of blood-damp sheets pressing against the line of his ass and back. Still, being unable to move right or gain purchase was its own form of pleasure and this way Drifter could work his way into him better.

Shin tried to press back along the connection the claim had, some fraction of how he was feeling. Dizzy and thoughtless with good sensations and physical want, the sense of being filled and having it feel right in his bones that another was in him. Drifter, at least. Tongue thick in his mouth, making him want to pant and gasp and beg as Drifter fingered him slow and careful.

* * *

Shin seemed to get used to the second finger faster, making some of those wonderful noises, the delightfully needy ones his hunter made when he was enjoying something and wanted _more_. Drifter wasn't sure if it was that he'd been learning to interpret his unique nonverbal communication, so much of his focus and attention solely centred on Shin for weeks now, or if the claim just made unspoken meaning more readily apparent. It was likely to be both.

But the point was Drifter soon understood it was time to use a third finger, really stretching his hunter now, working him open slow and steady and sweet. Swallowing every noise and kissing back deeper, their bond a two-way street, broadcasting and receiving, a push and pull of sensation and emotion.

* * *

A groan as he was stretched wider, Drifter working his way inside him so gradually. It was effort not to try and push, grind back without thinking to try fuck himself on those fingers. Instead he just tried to press out his want, show Drifter exactly how it felt. To need, to know on a deep level that all he was missing in life was more of Drifter inside him.

What he was getting in return was so much more of that affection, slower and more complex than what he was giving out, but still with a similar vein of want beneath it. He kissed back, welcoming Drifter further inside him, enjoying the feel of his tongue and lips against his own. He was so good to the hunter, to be doing all this just for him. Shin could swear that this had been about making Drifter feel good, but here he was being fingered slow and careful ‘til he was less of a person and more of a limp mess, and Drifter hadn't even been touched properly.

* * *

It was a very deliberate effort on Drifter's part not to rush, make sure he was preparing his hunter properly. If it was any other time, he'd probably be pushing his cock into Shin already, knowing they'd both enjoy having Drifter breaking through that last little bit of tightness and resistance. But he didn't want that. He didn't want to just fuck him, he wanted to get his hunter as open and relaxed as possible and really make love to him, like he'd said before.

Drifter kept the rhythm of his hand going on strong, but had to break the kiss to breathe, pressing his forehead against Shin's, panting. "That's it, darlin'. Oh, so perfect, almost ready now, aren't you?"

* * *

There had to be a reason that Drifter wasn't already fucking him, that he was being played with and opened wide. More than Drifter just liking the feel of his insides against his fingertips, anyway; this still felt directed, focused. And Shin still didn't know exactly what his role in this was, what he was expected to do or be, so he just leaned into what Drifter was doing. Moaned and gasped into his mouth, at every slight brush against that spot inside him, at the way he pulled at the ring of muscle until it was loose and relaxed.

"Yessir," he replied, a little dazed by it all. Body still a little too floppy, mouth not quite working right, feeling the hot breath against his face as Drifter fucked him slowly open on his hand. "Whenever you want, whatever you want." He hoped that was right.

* * *

Oh, fuck, he was just too lovely, so willing to give himself up to Drifter again, trusting him to set the pace for both of them, to make the submission worth it. All the Lightbearer wanted was to live up to that trust, and even though it was technically the reason they had started doing this, it was easy to forget his own mere physical needs like that, so wrapped up in the complexity of this beautiful thing between them.

"How did I get such a good boy, hmm? My obedient hunter, who cares for me enough to feed me from his own flesh." A kiss, long and sweet, trying to distract Shin from the feeling of fingers retreating from inside him, Drifter shifting the hand to his own length, making sure it was nice and slick.

* * *

Drifter asked the oddest questions sometimes. He'd... Well, he supposed he'd made that first step towards claiming him properly the first time they'd met in the tower. That hand around his throat, whatever had triggered that want to submit in Shin's head. He'd bent Shin to his will, known him well enough to get him to his knees over and over until he'd been dropping without a thought or qualm. He didn't know how to communicate that properly though, that constant assertation of will and domination.

"You claimed me," he managed to mumble around Drifter's lips, only twitching a little when he was left empty and open still. It was ok, Drifter was going to be in him soon and it'd feel even better for the lack. "'s all yours, want you to enjoy it."

* * *

Drifter couldn't help break into a smile against the hunter's lips, raising himself up just a little to look him in the eyes. "Sure did, darlin'. Wanna know somethin'?"

The Lightbearer shifted his position, lined himself up in between Shin's legs, one hand guiding his length and the other one holding the hunter's hips, at the same time he leaned close again to whisper in his ear. "I think part of me knew right away, right when I first touched you that night you visited the Tower." He spoke softly, lovingly, and with every word Drifter pressed himself just a little more inside his hunter. "I think something in me understood that, ah-h. _This one's meant to be mine_."

* * *

Having Drifter affirm his ownership so easy was good, sent a cooling wave of possession through him. He met the other's gaze, eyes a little hazy but _present_. He wanted anything Drifter would tell him, would give to him, and it was clearly written on his face as he nodded minutely.

Drifter broke his gaze first, but Shin's eyes closed tight anyway as Drifter started pushing into him. There was almost no resistance, the claim almost forcibly relaxing him as far as he could go, removing every ounce of stress from him body. And as it worked its way through his body, Drifter was focusing on his conscious mind. On making him feel _good_, even as he stretched open around him, body yielding before the other's presence. He wanted so badly for Drifter's words to come and live within him. That he'd been made for Drifter, intended to be owned by him and made his.

"Wouldn't have done that for anyone else," he admitted. Half of it had been the pressure and intent and heat of the moment, sure, but it had... It had to have been _him_. With all that time and tension between them, that strength of will. Shin didn't... He hadn't yielded for anyone properly in a long, long time.

* * *

Wouldn't have done it for anyone else. God, wasn't that good to hear. Their decades of history crystallising into one perfect, decisive moment. It was hard not to look back and think maybe it was all leading to this all along, all the fighting, the lies, the betrayals, ultimately resolving into the way they were truly supposed to be. Or the way they had made themselves into, but with the Deep, there wasn't really any difference.

Drifter kept pressing into Shin, slowly, slower than might be necessary given how open and relaxed the hunter was. But he wanted to really feel that first slide inside the man, the velvet heat of him enveloping more and more of his length, savour the feeling of taking his rightful place right against the core of him. "I would never have claimed anyone else. Never like this. You know that, right sweetheart?"

* * *

Shin could live like this. Being slowly entered, claimed all over again in a much different way, pressed down and opened and seated firmly around the man he loved. Tried to tamp down the heat that flushed his body, not trying to overwhelm the other before he'd even properly started fucking him. Making love to him? He was shaking with it, just a little, more sensation than anything else. Felt good, pleasure rippling through him as he was filled, and he did his best to be patient and let Drifter control the pace instead of squirming and grinding onto him.

It was - he hadn't been worried, exactly, that Drifter would want anyone else. He'd have been ok with it, he thought, if Drifter had found someone else he wanted as much. He knew the other didn't throw anything away, kept hold of what was useful or interesting to him with a jealous grip. As long as Shin kept being good, being useful or pretty or a good source of strength he was assured a place in Drifter's home. He liked that. Could have coped well enough with sharing the man if he really loved another so much as to want them the way he did his hunter. It was... Knowing for sure that Drifter only wanted him like this was good though. Felt safe, like being wanted, and he pressed a clumsy kiss to the man's neck.

"Wouldn't have let anyone else claim me," he murmured, ignored the question he didn't know how to answer right. He knew it now, of course, but he didn't think that was what Drifter was asking. "Just yours. Forever." Like he'd been waiting, all this time. For Drifter to drop him to his knees, make him beg for it.

* * *

Drifter could feel his hunter's body trembling just a little under him, always so very warm, glorious. He guided Shin's legs up so they would wrap around his waist, anchoring them together, as he bottomed out with a final rolling motion of his hips, a deep, broken moan.

"_God_, you feel so amazing, my darlin'." He stopped moving for a few long moments, just breathing heavy, enjoying the feeling of it all, brushing Shin's hair back with a shaky hand. Then, Drifter started sliding out, and slowly back in, with a groan. "Mine. Always. I'd never let anyone else have you."

It was a simple statement, Power lurking at the edges, his will made truth through strength and conviction. A possessive tone that made itself known without violence or anger, just security, love, calm.

* * *

Drifter fully inside him felt good, Shin finally filled and not wanting for more. He pressed together at where they were joined, used the leverage of his legs around Drifter just to hold onto him a little longer. Keep him pressed inside him, fill Shin up so fully that he'd never feel empty again. Didn't even hurt, not with how much time Drifter had spent working him open. A deep purr of satisfaction went through him, and then he relented. Let Drifter pull them apart, press back inside, be filled all over again.

"Yours," he managed, swallowing down moans but breathless with the slow drag of Drifter's length over that spot inside him that set his nerves to singing. "I swear, just yours, whatever you want from me." He could reach out and break Shin's neck, keep fucking him slow for however long he liked after it. Or tell him he wasn't allowed to die ever again, he'd move heaven and earth to comply. Break him, unmake him, devour him wholly or leave him pristine and on display. It was all Drifter's to do, a terrible array of sheer choice that Shin was so grateful he was willing to take on. Nobody else was allowed to look at or touch Shin any more, not even himself if Drifter didn't wish it. It was freeing, and he'd do anything to make it worthwhile to the other.

* * *

Drifter kept moving, setting a rhythm inside him, in and outward, just as slow and thorough as he had been with his fingers before. The hand on Shin's hip guiding him along to complement Drifter's own movements, so he could hit that spot inside him with every thrust, get as deep as he could.

"Yeah, sweetheart, I love t'hear ya say that. Could do anythin' I wanted t'you, couldn't I? Yeah. You love that." The Lightbearer stroked his hunter's hair as his spoke, a trembling roughness on the edges of his voice. "Right now, all I want is for you to be here, with me. Feel me deep inside you, darlin', know how much I love you."

It had to look obscene, from the outside. Probably did to Shin's ghost if it was looking. Fucking his property into blood-soaked sheets and drying gore. But being inside it, living in it, it felt so completely different. Like the Deep made you break the skin of the world into something more profound beyond it, and there, they were creating rituals around each other, fighting and protecting and becoming powerful, choosing each other in a million different ways, making love.

* * *

If Shin had been loose and sensitive before, it was nothing to how Drifter fucking in and out of him felt. He was trying so hard not to drown out those lovely words, what it was that he needed to hear, with his own gasps and moans. Trying not to just press back onto him over and over, grind up against him. His fingers gripped the sheets instead, breath coming a little harder, coagulating blood oozing up frothy and thick between his knuckles. Dazed, he reached up to smear it with one shaking hand onto his abdomen. Wanted it visible, staining him.

Closing his eyes, he focused in on what Drifter had asked of him. Grounded himself in the moment, in every sensation of it, in the ache as his shoulders took the brunt of his weight, the tremble of his thighs, the stretch and fill of Drifter inside him. That particularly, ignoring the pleasure of it in favour of just how it felt to be so implicitly claimed. The hand in his hair, being moved as he wanted, lips dry and thighs just a little slick where Drifter had gotten messy with the lube. It chased out any real thought, beyond what was happening. "Love you," he breathed, tilted his hips just a little further up. Bettering the angle, ignoring the strain of it. Wanted to welcome Drifter in however he could, didn't know what to offer besides yielding _well_ and giving power. Pressing the light that made him up into Drifter wherever they touched, feeding back slow and gentle the warmth within him.

* * *

Seeing that blood on Shin again pulled at something wild and tender inside him, the pristine form he'd come back with stained with his previous remains, revelling in what had been done to him. Knowing that the brutality of it all had the same all-consuming love behind it than the current gentleness did.

His hunter felt so warm, so sweet. Wouldn't surprise him if he started _glowing_ any moment now. As he pressed up and slightly changed the angle of his hips, Drifter moved his hand from hip to the small of Shin's back, to support the position best he could. Moving into him again and again, kissing his forehead, his cheek, small little kisses all over his face, every one with the force of adoration behind it, cherishing the contact wherever their bodies met.

* * *

Noises of want and pleasure spilled easy from his lips, now that he wouldn't be missing anything. Every time Drifter pressed inside him, it sent waves of pleasure and heat washing over him. The claim was almost lax, not needing to do anything as Drifter was already fully satisfied with Shin's work. It was there, still, but Shin was so pliant and receptive that there was almost nothing to claim. Just an extension of the Lightbearer's body, one that twitched and moaned around him.

More warmth, where he could give it. Not wanting to hurt or distract, nor overwhelm when he knew the deep would be drawn by whatever Shin offered. This was just submission, gratification, love. Easy, simple, even if Shin wasn't sure he knew how to bend to Drifter without somehow feeding him. He'd try though, if he was asked. Squirmed just a little against him for now though, hot against cold skin, moaning with want.

* * *

If it was any other time, Drifter would probably bucking wildly against his hunter now, encouraged by those wonderful noises and the absolute stunning look on his face. But he didn't feel that same urgency tonight. He did increase the pace from the very deliberate slowness of the beginning, but the rolling of his hips was still lazy and sweet against Shin's body.

"Could keep you here all night, darlin'. Keepin' me warm, nicely buried inside you." It was a whisper against Shin's mouth, feeling the panting breaths and needy moans against his face. Licking into it, nuzzling affectionately against his cheek. "Keep ya all filled up, until y'forget what it's like to be all empty and without me."

* * *

Oh. _Oh_, Shin's body twitched at that, eyes open but glazed as Drifter slid slowly in and out of him and he imagined staying here for that long. Spread open, filled, for hours. Keeping Drifter in him, making him feel warm and good and like Shin's body was something he could be in for as long as he liked, whenever he liked. The noise he made at that was indescribable, almost a sob but without any tears to back it up. Still didn't move, didn't fuck back onto him, but the idea had set him to trembling and that he couldn't control.

Kissing back, fervently, he did his best to focus on the taste of blood instead of things he knew he couldn't have. The gore-soaked hand coming up to the side of Drifter's face, combing through his hair, doing his best to accept that he would be taking whatever Drifter gave him without complaint. He didn't trust himself to speak right now though, not without begging and pleading and ruining what Drifter was doing.

* * *

God, that _sound_. The way the body under his trembled. It was exactly why Drifter liked to talk, let Shin know exactly what was going through his mind while getting deep inside him. Every reaction he could get out of his hunter was a delight, and he was oh so very reactive to any words and ideas Drifter presented to him.

Right now, though, he'd rather be kissing the man than talking, building up their pace together, closing his eyes with a moan of satisfaction at the hand running through his hair, while his own travelled down the lines of his hunter's body to find Shin's cock, fingers gently wrapping around his slick length.

* * *

He did his best to stay in the moment, focus on the way Drifter felt sliding in and out of him. Caressing, feeling the vibration of the man's voice against the palm of his hand and tips of his fingers. Clenched a little, just to feel Drifter's reaction within him. Moving his mouth in tandem with the other's swallowing down the noises.

The hand around him was cool against feverish skin, gripping him light and tender. Smearing dried blood along the length of him, mingling with the rest of it into something obscene. Shifted just a little, almost exhausted by the constant sensation to the point of numbness. No impetus to fuck into Drifter's hand, and he wondered if it was because he was wanted calm and still or simply because he was willing to wait.

* * *

Drifter took his time making love to his hunter, just as he had promised. Cried out his release inside of him, looking into his eyes. Seeing so much love reflected there Drifter thought it might just kill him. Might just make him capable of doing anything. Everything.

He lay on top of his hunter, cuddling him close for a little while, but soon it became evident even to him that they needed a good wash. They were absolutely filthy head to toe, fresh sweat and come and drying blood. Bits of gore sticking to Shin's back.

So, the impulse to take charge, take care of the other man, it took over and soon Drifter was gathering Shin up into his arms, instructing his own Ghost to take care of the mess, dispose of the soiled bedding. They went into Shin's room at the Tower, where they could shower and rest before heading to work, at least a couple hours. Drifter got the collar off Shin, left it on the desk with the rings, before getting them both into the shower. He didn't stop touching Shin, knowing he didn't like being without his collar now, murmuring constant reassurance and praise, manhandling him casual and gentle as he went about the work of getting him clean, before he even thought of starting on himself.

* * *

By the time Drifter was done with him, the hunter was a mess. Oversensitive, skin hot to the touch, thighs trembling and breath ragged. He'd not been capable of much for a while after, had been limp and thoughtless and wanted nothing more than to be close to Drifter. Pressing clumsy kisses against his skin, doing his best to breathe with Drifter softening inside him.

The shower was good, Drifter seemingly understanding his need to be helped through it. Keeping a reassuring hand at his neck, gently cleaning him inside and out, trying not to miss the blood. Shin smoothed hands over and over against the other's skin, doing his best to reciprocate. Albeit with a little less success, a little less skill. He was just so tired, the hot water making it hard to think and contributing to that hypersensitivity. Spent a lot of the shower clinging to Drifter, drinking in the praise and letting himself be moved.

Still. He was grateful when he was dried off, when Drifter secured the collar back around his neck and the usual rush of calm safety hit him. Wound himself around Drifter on the bed, tucked his face into the side of his neck and held him close.

* * *

It was sweet, how much the hunter was clinging to him all through the process of caring for him and preparing him for bed, like he didn't want to be without him at all. Drifter got them both into bed, still naked, and wrapped them well together with the sheet, pulling Shin close against his chest. Letting the man tuck his face into the side of his neck, wrapping arms around him and intertwining their legs together. Wanting Shin to know he was safe, cherished, loved.

Drifter turned his head a little to kiss his hunter's hair, clean and already dry. "Get some rest, sweetheart. It's been a long night." Even if he couldn't see it, the little smile was evident in Drifter's voice. He was exhausted himself, satisfied and hazy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Please keep him safe._  
_Let him lay his head on my chest and we will be_  
_like sailors, swimming in the sound of it, dashed_  
_to pieces._  
\- Richard Siken


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout here to @ayanae15 on Twitter, who made both of our days with her lovely messages about this fic!

_Thud thud thud_.

He groaned, fingers curling and pressing against soft skin and fuzz. Pressed his face closer into that solid reassurance, nuzzled against it.

** _Thud thud thud-_ **

He sat bolt upright, brain panicking as someone on the other side of the door called "Mr Malphur-?"

Oh god. Oh, fuck. He flung himself out of bed, tripped to the floor in a tangle of bedsheets. Grabbed the topsheet, wrapped it haphazard around himself, apologised in his head to Drifter, pulling the second thin sheet over him for at least dignity's sake even as he stumbled to the door.

Pulling it open, doing his best to block the doorway, he came face to face with a suddenly flustered awoken.

"There's... There's a meeting..."

"Fuck." He closed the door behind him, trying to disguise the tremble of his hands, shifting the blanket so it hid his collar better. "Right. I'll be there in five minutes, ok."

* * *

It was a good thing that Drifter wasn't woken up into a paranoid panic as easily these days, or he would have been at the door with a weapon in hand before Shin could get off the floor on his bedsheets. As it was, he managed to recognise the noise as knocking on the door, surprising but most probably not a threat, and stayed in bed while Shin went to open it. Kept lying down, quiet and still, while his hunter dealt with whoever it was. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to suppress a chuckle.

Probably pretty lucky that they had slept here, really, otherwise they would still be oversleeping on the Derelict and Ikora might think they had a missing hunter vanguard again. He looked at Shin, smiled a little, sleepiness still clinging to him.

* * *

The awoken left, face carefully unreadable, and Shin could barely get inside. Back to the door, sliding down to the ground, trying not to panic. He didn't want to be sought out, to be looked at vulnerable and unprepared and fearful. Fuck. Oh, fuck. He needed to be putting on clothes, running out of the door, getting himself together and doing his fucking _job_ instead of sleeping in and screwing everything up. Drawing attention.

Clothes. Armour. Go.

He didn't move. Stayed curled on the floor, struggling for breath. He didn't- he _couldn't_\- why hadn't he known, why hadn't he been prepared?

* * *

Seeing Shin's reaction after he closed the door was enough to make Drifter feel completely awake, getting out of bed in a quick fluid movement, silent as he could manage. He heard footsteps, whoever it was having done his job of delivering the message and now going away, as Drifter knelt on the floor besides his hunter. Cradling his face with both hands, moving it gently until their eyes met.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart. Listen to me, it's ok." They could get Shin ready and into his meeting in a few minutes, it wasn't a big deal. The man had been working so hard lately, they had to cut him some slack. And who scheduled meetings this early anyway?

* * *

Drifter was touching him, and Shin tried to make him happy. To turn his face as was expected of him, press into the touch. Be good.

Fuck, though. He was meant to be better than this, more capable than this. Wasn't meant to be panicking on a floor he barely even saw any more, tense enough that his muscles were beginning to ache, swallowing dry and laboured.

He might have- had he been dreaming? Some awful memory that put him on edge before he'd even woken up? Or was he just so fragile and on edge and pathetic that he was falling apart over _this_? It wasn't ok, Drifter was wrong, and he couldn't quite meet his gaze. Shin needed to be better, to stop panicking, to not constantly screw up.

* * *

Drifter leaned in, kissed Shin's forehead sweetly. He could feel it radiating from his hunter, through their bond, anxiety and fear, bitter on his tongue.

"I want you to take deep breaths now, darlin', for me." His voice was gentle, but it was unmistakable as a command. "It'll make you feel better. It's gonna be fine."

The rogue Lightbearer took a deep breath himself, as if demonstrating it, and moved Shin's face up a little until their foreheads were touching, keeping him so close. If he closed his eyes, called on his Dark, he could feel the claim connecting them. Knew he could use it to help.

* * *

Shin tried, he really _tried_ to do what Drifter told him. To breathe right, deep, less shallow and painful. It wasn't working right though, the movement of his ribs against where his knees pressed into his chest was bad and sick and _wrong_.

Drifter pressed up close to him, and Shin was so sorry because he was meant to be better than this but he couldn't stop the way his nerves sang and heart pounded, the tight knot in his belly.

Except he could, and all of a sudden he didn't feel those things. His heart rate slowed dramatically, breath evened, mind went just a little hazy as a sudden rush of bliss hit him. He went limp, then raised his head. Smiled a little, the notion feeling right. Things were fine, would be ok. He should get ready now, shouldn't he?

* * *

It was so easy. Just a little tug, an insinuation of his will through the claim and into Shin, sending calm and approval to him, not that different from what the claim already made happen when Drifter was pleased and praised him. Just a little more targeted, deliberate. Erasing what had been there before without sparing a thought for it.

He smiled back at his hunter, who was breathing much easier now, seemed a lot less anxious. Good, that was good. He'd be able to handle the meeting a lot better like this. "Let's get you dressed, sweetheart." He said, helping him stand up.

* * *

The collar pulsed gently, fed ice and power through him, and Shin nodded. Stood, let Drifter help him get dressed. His movements were a little slow, a placid expression on his face. He wasn't upset any more though, all was well. Another little trickle of cold down his spine, an approving burst of reward for accepting it so well.

Something niggled in the back of his mind, a discomfort with something that he couldn't express. The feeling evened out almost instantly though, which was nice. He exhaled, looked up at Drifter before helping him get into his clothes as well. Five minutes was nearly up, but they were almost done. Everything was fine. He was fine. Calm, positive.

* * *

His hunter was so pliant, so obedient. Made it much easier for the both of them. Drifter kissed his cheek, told him what a good boy he was in detail, with a voice like smooth honey, as he got him dressed and ready in just a few minutes, fussing over him gentle and affectionate.

He made sure his hair was in place, stroking it lightly, before taking a step back to look Shin over. "Perfect. You look great, darlin'." Drifter touched fingertips to his hunter's cheek, smiled. "Just go out there, you're gonna do so well. I just know it."

* * *

The meeting with Zavala and Ikora went by easy enough, Shin staying calm and vaguely positive through it. He was going to be running strikes with the guardians some of the time, that was good. He'd gotten better at his job, was trusted more. He'd normally have been anxious, maybe even defensive as they went through his recent performance. Nothing. Just more calm, a promise that he was settling in well, that he was finding the right balance of admin to hands on duties. The closest he came to any real emotional turbulence was when he pointed out that he hadn't really been given much of a brief on what was wanted for him, and hadn't been around to see how others had handled it particularly often. The tension smoothed away easy enough though, the anxiety having real difficulty establishing itself for whatever reason.

He left the meeting as calm as ever, with a new list of duties he was expected to perform. Took himself out to his little 'office' to start work on them, since it seemed the gambit playlist was already in session.

The rest of the day was spent on occasional contact hours, just to reassign tasks and deal out rewards, and in researching the mission he was to run tomorrow. Time passed, and he didn't care, and it was all fine.

He recalled to the Derelict once his normal hours were up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“Ask for a blessing? You can try,_  
_but we will not remain unscathed. Flex your will_  
_or abandon your will and let the world have its way with you”_  
\- Richard Siken


	28. Chapter 28

For a few hours, Drifter went about his day just like it was any other day. Gambit matches went by smoothly, nothing particularly noteworthy but certainly good enough, competent play. A few hours in the annex in the middle, settling bounties and rewards, getting information, the usual. And then back to matches for a while.

It was during one of these Gambit matches that he started looking back at that morning, really _thinking_ about it. Realised that he just... He'd done something, hadn't he? Only he wasn't sure what it had been. Drifter had just wanted to help, reach out to Shin and make him feel better because he was having such a difficult time. And the claim had been getting so much stronger, with all they had been doing, reiterated and reinforced by both of them again and again.

He started feeling a little on edge, tension accumulating in the line of his shoulders. The last match of the day ended up running long, but as soon as it was over, Drifter went to their living quarters, looking for his hunter.

* * *

Shin had been having... Difficulties. He wasn't sure what he was meant to be doing, didn't have a focus for the drive that kept him moving. It was uncomfortable, maybe. Not upsetting, even though it normally would be. All tense energy, fingers and arms and muscles wanting to move. He did, threw one of his knives into the air and caught it. Flipping round and round, moving his arm muscles and back and keeping him attentive and mobile.

It was... Fine? Felt fine. Was probably objectively better than doing nothing, even if he wasn't deriving any particular joy from it. It was nice enough, so he kept doing it.

Kept doing it for a while, actually. Longer than he'd normally do it, because even when his fingertips began to ache he didn't really mind that either. Felt somewhat positive about the whole thing really, albeit dimly. Drifter came into the quarters, and that was also fine. Shin smiled lightly in his direction, flipped the knife again.

* * *

Shin looked... Fine, he guessed, but didn't greet him with the usual enthusiasm Drifter had come to except. He couldn't help but frown just a little, eyes following the knife for a moment before going back to the hunter's face.

He took a few steps towards the man. "You alright there, sweetheart? Everything go ok today?" A simple, open ended question, which hopefully would help the Lightbearer assess the situation a bit better. Maybe it was nothing after all. He'd worried about similar things before without much cause, hadn't he?

* * *

Hmm. He should probably stop doing this now that he had something to actually focus on. Shin stowed the knife easily enough, considered the question.

"I'm fine," he agreed easily. His day hadn't been unpleasant. He didn't think there was anything really noteworthy, had no strong desire to run through it. He usually missed being home, or looked forward to the evening but today he hadn't. "Nothing was bad." He waited then, for a few seconds, before his brain kicked in and provided the next thing to say. "You?"

Drifter didn't look as ok as Shin felt, which was fine. If there was something wrong, Shin would be more worried. He wasn't, so there wasn't, and Drifter should be ok soon too.

* * *

Ok, no, there was something definitely wrong with the hunter. He did seem fine, but not in a good way, more like... Blank. Like an absence of something instead of proper, real calm.

"I... Sweetheart, I think I might have done something wrong. To you, this mornin'." Drifter ran a hand through his own hair, frowned, guilt and fear rising up in his stomach, subtle but unmistakable. "Can I...?" The questioning push against the claim made his meaning obvious enough. Wanted permission to look into him now, see if he'd done something to Shin's brain.

* * *

Shin didn't remember anything wrong happening that morning. He'd been very upset, he remembered that. Couldn't recall the feeling, but Shin was very bad at that anyway. He'd been quite scared, then Drifter had made him feel better and nothing bad had really happened since.

"Feels ok to me," he said easily enough, shrugging lightly. That said, Drifter wanted to do something and Shin didn't mind indulging that. He certainly didn't dislike the idea, so it was probably fine. Maybe it would make Drifter less unhappy if he let him. So, the hunter nodded. "Whatever you want," he replied with a slight smile, blinking up at him.

* * *

Drifter closed his eyes, took a deep breath. He didn't like this at all, this indifferent version of his hunter, placid in such an empty way. There had to be a reason this was happening, something he could find and understand.

That morning, reaching into Shin and doing _something_ had felt as easy as breathing. Maybe because he wasn't fully conscious and overthinking it, maybe because it had felt so urgent, or because the submission of the previous night had been more recent. Whatever the case, it was a conscious effort now. But there was... It didn't felt right, didn't feel like Shin did. It wasn't a permanent change, though, more like he’d done something to stop what had been happen. The brain processing chemicals, maybe? So if he was very careful, pushed just in the right way... Drifter really thought he could accelerate the process, get it over with.

* * *

Shin was cold, and it hurt a little bit. Drifter's hand was pressed against his temple, eyes closed, and Shin looked at him. He was nice, he thought. The little expressions he made were entertaining enough to watch, in an idle way. Little frowns, skin twitching, all focus and thought. Another spike of painful cold, enough to force a hiss out of him. Still placid enough, easily compliant. It seemed a little strange to him that Drifter would have an issue with him not being upset, he usually liked it that way. Well, he supposed it didn't matter much. Things were going to be fine.

Something behind his eye was throbbing, and he frowned. Something sparking gently against the calm, worried and sick in a pale washed-out way. Drifter didn't like hurting him unless he begged for it, unless he wanted it. Maybe it wasn't intentional. Should he stop him? The uncertainty rose, shoulders tensing and breath hitching. He didn't like this, didn't know what to do or what Drifter wanted from him and why him being ok was such a problem or- a hiccupping noise, salt on his cheeks, a deep nausea in his gut.

* * *

It had just been a small push in the opposite direction, gentle as he could, but it seemed like it was enough to create a flood. Drifter's eyes snapped open as he heard his hunter make a small, strangled sound. Already stepping right up to him when he realised he was crying, one hand coming up to cradle his cheek, the other arm wrapping itself around Shin's body.

"Oh, darlin', I'm so sorry. Fuck." Drifter felt horrible, he'd really messed up this time. Before, he'd only lost control of what he was doing with his Dark when he got too angry, overwhelmed. This time, it had been so different, just wanting to help, and still reached in to do something he hadn't been fully aware of or understood. Without thought, without Shin's consent. That was a new danger he hadn't seen in himself before.

* * *

The hunter clung desperately, body shaking and throat tight. His legs didn't quite feel as though they could support him, not without Drifter's help, shaking as badly as the rest of him.

Everything had been so quiet and flat and still inside his head, and now it was all bright noise. Couldn't think through it, didn't understand _why_ it was happening, but it felt like all the worst bits of being sick. Like his head was too small for him, his body broken in some way, revolting against him.

Drifter's arm curled around his back, one hand pressed against his cheek, and with an effort he focused on the other's face. He looked so _sad_, and Shin didn't know how to fix it and there was so _much_ in his head and- he sobbed, feeling as though his ribs would cave in and break apart, a pure misery the likes of which he hadn't felt since he'd come to with Drifter dying and his mouth filled with gore.

* * *

Drifter pulled Shin in to support his weight better, trying to comfort him. His eyes stung a bit, and he had to blink back the impulse to cry. One of them breaking down was about enough - this was his fault, so he had to stay strong and _fix it_.

Or, at least, just don't make it worse. "Sweetheart, it's gonna be ok, you're gonna be just fine." Things had apparently shifted to the opposite extreme with whatever he had done this time, so Shin definitely didn't seem to be in a state of mind to even understand his apologies. Drifter decided he could explain himself and face the consequences once the hunter was feeling better, and just do his best to take care of him right now. Because it had to stop eventually, didn't it?

* * *

Without thought, he pulled on the claim. Wanted to know that he hadn't messed up, that things would be ok, that he wasn't going to be stuck like this forever. Only Drifter didn't want to use it, wasn't going to, because something had gone wrong in Shin's head and that meant no touching inside it. A ragged inhale, arms tightening around Drifter's body.

"Too much," he managed, barely coherent through the heaving sobs. "There's too _much_-" he tried to push it along the bond, to show so Drifter could understand and fix it, only he didn't know properly how to use the bond when he wasn't submitting, and all he managed was a faint sense of chaos and turmoil. He wanted to curl into Drifter forever, a part of him weirdly joyful over being in Drifter's arms. Another was so very angry that this was happening, angry at himself and at Drifter for their parts in this. Part terrified, fearful that he'd been broken for good and this was _it_-

It didn't make sense inside of him, couldn't be properly separated out. Just emerged as shaking and sobbing and the hunter feeling overwhelmed.

* * *

Whatever was happening, this felt more like Shin than the previous version had, which was good, but he was also clearly suffering, which hurt a lot. Drifter wasn't sure how to help, when he could barely interpret the mess that was feeding back into him through their bond, knowing it was just a small, tiny fraction of what his hunter must actually be feeling. God.

"Darlin', I've got you. You're safe, and I'm not gonna let anythin' bad happen to you here, alright?" Drifter started running shaky fingers through soft dark hair. Shin usually found that comforting. "I know this is a lot but it'll pass. I promise you." It felt a bit too much like trying to convince himself as well, but the Lightbearer did his best not to let his voice show that.

* * *

His head felt hot, full and wet with tears. Leaning into Drifter's touch, he keened. Closing his eyes, one fist balled up and smacking into his own forehead over and over in frustrated anger and sorrow and pain because things would be so much better if his head were cracked and bleeding and there was a _reason_ for everything to hurt this much. An inarticulate yell, even as he felt guilty for what must scare Drifter.

God. This didn't make sense, even if he knew there had to be some kind of explanation. Something broken in his head that had gone wrong and mixed everything around and he _still_ felt sick and sweaty and he _hated_ this. Drifter didn't know, couldn't know whether he'd just been broken for good and maybe he should just die and end it faster oh _god_-

* * *

As soon as he realised what he was doing with it, Drifter grabbed Shin's fist to stop him from hitting himself any further, gentle but firm, and moved it to his lips to kiss the knuckles, every one. God, the sounds he was making, it broke Drifter's heart. He'd give anything to make it stop, make his hunter feel better.

"Honey, please, just stay here with me. Everything's gonna be alright. Talk to me." He tried to put as much affection and calm as he could into his voice, kissed Shin's forehead. Desperately trying to think about ways to help, but also terrified of making it worse yet again.

* * *

He pulled at the hand in Drifter's grip, struggling as best he could. Felt like he needed this, like it could provide even a little control. Even self-destruction had to do something, didn't it? Provide some kind of texture or consequence or brief desperate reprieve from the mess that his head was.

Drifter was stronger than him though, and even far gone as he was... drawing on the shard for this wasn't safe. Maybe it could have shut him down, turned him off until whatever this was resolved. If it resolved.

Maybe it would have taken advantage of this to slaughter as many people as it wanted.

Shin wasn't safe. He was making desperate noises, tears in his eyes, body shaking and- he flinched away, curled into himself and retched. Hadn't eaten in a while, not... Yesterday, maybe yesterday. Just acid, burning and thick, and hot shame overwhelmed him as it trickled out of his open mouth onto the floor. Pathetic.

* * *

"Shh, that's it, that's ok." Drifter helped Shin turn to the side as he threw up, rubbing circles into his back, murmuring soothingly. He tried to swallow, but it didn't clear the obstruction he felt in his throat. "Give me just a second, sweetheart."

He had to step away from Shin to get what he was looking for. Cloth, a bottle of water. One of the crates in the room still had several of the Tower's standard issue sleeping bags, and Drifter placed two of them open on the floor to create a slightly softer surface, used another one to out around the hunter's shoulders, sitting and pulling Shin down with him, into his lap. "C'mere, dear."

* * *

He couldn't stop himself from shaking, limbs seemingly not under his control. He was still hiccupping sobs, mouth hot and bitter with acid, head feeling so thick and stupid. Still crammed full of every possible feeling, everything his brain had been numb to just swirling around and around over and over. Gratefulness, that Drifter was still willing to help him despite the mess he was and was making. Fear, that he'd stop. Love and pain and sorrow and all of it, everything spiking in his head over and over. Skin hot, too hot. His heart was pounding, only made his head hurt worse.

"Sorry," he gasped thickly, eyes twitching just a little as he stared down at the ground. Still shaking. "Don't know-" why, what had been done, why he couldn't control it. He reached for his ghost, half fearing that rejection and half knowing that he needed it more than ever. Clumsy, a little sick. Trying to keep the worst of it from spilling over as he asked it what was wrong with him.

* * *

Drifter kissed his cheek, cleaned his mouth best as he could, gently wiping it with the damp cloth. "You don't gotta say sorry to me for nothin', sweetheart." It was most definitely the other way around, and it would be, as soon as Shin felt better. Right now, though, Drifter had to push all the guilt and the pain to one side, be practical, useful, reassuring. A rock, so his hunter could get through this.

He left the cloth to one side, grabbed the water. "Think you can manage to drink a little bit, darlin'?" If he could, keeping the man hydrated would only help. He doubted he'd be able to manage to eat anything at the moment, but some water was worth a try.

* * *

A random burst of affection, enough to make him want to press a kiss to Drifter's cheek in return. Even if it was still all twisted up with sick and misery and confusion. He did so, immediately felt worse because he was messed up right now and his mouth still tasted bad and Drifter had asked him a question hadn't he. Not allowed to say sorry though, _fuck_. He nodded jerkily, not liking the way that hurt his head, not liking the way the nausea hadn't left him.

The sobbing was at least reducing though, maybe because it was physically exhausting. He certainly didn't feel any better. "Might throw it up," he admitted between gasps, tried for a weak smile. Something went wrong though, and he couldn't stop laughing through the misery for a good few seconds, painful though the movements were.

His ghost brushed a worried little sensation over his mind, and he sent just a little more for it to understand. Not much, this was - he wasn't sharing this properly with anyone, it hurt too much for that. Still, a little bit of context couldn't hurt.

* * *

He really didn't know if that little kiss back made him feel better or worse. There was affection there, but Drifter didn't feel like he deserved it at the moment. Saying anything would only upset the hunter, he knew, so he didn't say anything.

He wasn't crying as much, which was a good step. Or just a sign that he really did need some of that water. Drifter opened it, was then surprised by Shin's laugher and had to try not to spill any. It was very much not a good sound, and he just held his hunter through it, let the water to the side as well for the moment. "Maybe best to try a bit later, then. It's alright, dear."

It was horrible, feeling so absolutely useless. Couldn't even fix things that were his fault now, didn't know how to make it better.

* * *

He pressed into Drifter, skin feeling a little too sensitive for it to be truly enjoyable but it was... It was preferable, and comforting at least a little. His stomach turned, and the hunter closed his eyes tight.

The ghost expressed worry, the foreign emotion feeling almost raw and painful on his fraying mind. It didn't know how to fix this, could only shut him down until it passed maybe. He didn't know that he wanted that, the vulnerability no longer a problem but... Shin lying cold and empty and vacant would be bad. Hurt Drifter, maybe. A fresh wave of tears, less physical in their onset. Nuzzling against Drifter's shoulder, just for something physical to distract from everything that was happening. "S'ok," he mumbled. Not incredibly coherent, but good considering everything else. "You didn't mean to."

* * *

Drifter kept him close, tucked in against his chest, one hand stroking Shin's back gently. The other one came up to touch his neck, fingertips light against the place just above the collar, where the skin met soft leather. An absent-minded gesture of comfort.

"Yeah. Yeah, didn't meant to." Drifter's voice was small, almost a whisper. It didn't really feel like a point in his favour. He'd certainly meant to do something, even if it was just helping, and had fucked it up. But he'd definitely didn’t mean to make the hunter feel this awful, of course. "We're gonna be alright, though. You'll see."

* * *

His eyes weren't focusing right, it was weird. Sent him a little spinny, which didn't help with his nausea, so he closed his eyes fast. Pressed in closer against Drifter, till he might bruise his face with it. Didn't know how to feel things right, skin all hot and cold and shivery, so more pressure helped.

"Course it is." Drifter's coat scratched a little against his skin. "I've done- you know I hurt you worse." This was fine, hadn't even been meant as anything besides love. He bit down on his lip, tried to suppress the helpless noises of mixed sorrow and mirth. Shin had lied so much, he was _such_ a liar. Wonder Drifter believed a word he said.

* * *

Shin was holding himself tight against Drifter, to the point he made a note to make sure to monitor that he wasn't actually hurting himself with it. Otherwise, if it helped a little, that was good. He started petting his hair.

It was also good that he sounded a little more coherent now, though what the man said got a small huff out of the Lightbearer, not quite a chuckle, tired as he was. "That don't matter, y'know that. It's all just fine, darlin', really." He tried to sound casual, reassuring. It really wasn't something you could compare to anything else, messing with someone's brain like Drifter had.

* * *

He shook his head, forgetting for a moment that he still had a face full of Drifter, and just ended up rubbing his face against the fabric. Nose made a weird noise, still clogged from before, and he froze. More shame, a wave of it, his body still disgusting. How Drifter could ever want him when he'd seen how horrific everything really was when he wasn't trying to be pretty, Shin didn't understand.

A burst of misery. "It's not ok," his voice threatened to crack, body twitching and shaking and rattling his voice a little. "I lied so much, keep doing it-" a hiccup, a sob. "S'like I don't know how t'be a real person, I'm _sorry_."

* * *

Insisting on it didn't seem like it'd get anywhere right now, though, so Drifter didn't repeat himself. "Sweetheart, that's alright. We're tryin' to do better, right? You've been so good." He pressed the hand on his back just a little, trying to contain the shaking of the hunter's body. "Is there anythin' you've been lyin' to me about, now?"

He regretted saying that as soon as it finished coming out of his mouth. He'd meant it to be reassuring, proof that things were different between them now, but if there was anything, Drifter knew he had no right to find out like this. No way he could take it back without making it worse though. Just another fuck up.

* * *

He froze, gorge rising. Had he been lying? Was this... he didn't know what Drifter counted as lying, if being someone better or worse or less messed up was lying to him. "I don't-" He curled in on himself, trying not to retch. Not allowed to throw up on Drifter. _Not_ allowed.

"Haven't said anything not true," he hedged, once he'd gotten himself under control, once blood vessels no longer threatened to pop behind his eyes. That was... that was probably right. He stilled again, bit his lip. Felt bad, rising like a wave in the back of his head, _real_ bad. Partial truths, wrong wrong wrong. "Don't tell you things if they'll hurt you."

* * *

Ok, no more sensitive questions. Shin was clearly distressed about how to answer, found it stressful, so that was it. Drifter nodded, kissed the top of his hunter's head. "Y'dont gotta worry about hurtin' me like that, darlin'. Not if there's somethin' you want me to know, or somethin' I could help with, ok?"

With two fingers going under his chin, he made Shin look up so their eyes could meet. Drifter wanted him to see that he wasn't annoyed or angry, it was all ok. "I appreciate that you think about protectin' me like that, though. You're a real good boy, my dear."

* * *

He didn't deserve this affection, this kindness. More tears - surely he had to be running out? - more shaking. Fuck. Pathetic. A mess, useless, defenceless. His face crumpled a little, looking up at Drifter all tear-stained and red-faced. "'M not," he managed, hands tugging unconsciously at Drifter's coat.

No. He was being bad by saying that, that wasn't his decision. It was Drifter's call, he was Drifter's, he- a tug, desperately pulling on the claim just to remind his brain. Claimed, owned, wanted. He wanted Drifter happy, safe, to care about him. He didn't know how to do that like this.

* * *

The rogue Lightbearer kisses the tears running down one cheek, stroked the other one with his hand. Kept himself close to the hunter, as the hand caressed down to settle on top of the collar.

"Now, sweetheart, y'know that ain't your call. You're my good boy, ya hear me? Mine." Speaking it out always pulled on the claim in a reassuring way, or at least so he thought. Hopefully that didn't change along with whatever else he had done. "Mine to take care of whenever y'need it, as well. That's my _privilege_, understand? To have all of you like this."

* * *

The hunter shivered, going blank-eyed and limp for just a moment as the tug reaffirmed itself. There. He wasn't very good at repressing his basic urges right now, all reactive and responsive push and pull. Made him bare his neck easy; nothing to do with arousal or need, not really. Just that he wanted to do it, and something curled at the back of his skull was promising good things if he did it, so without any real thought there he went.

Still didn't feel like he was good, but the misery had died down a little. Maybe that could be enough. Being less sad was good. He nodded careful, not wanting to add to the sick feeling. Not wanting to cover his throat again. "Yours," he replied, through lips that were only half-numb really. Still worked, still made sounds and words. The inside of his head was muddy, chaotic, but that possessive streak of Drifter's chimed as well as ever. Shin was his, even if he was all broken like this. It lent a little fragment of calm to the noise.

* * *

Drifter hesitated internally for just a short moment, before leaning down and into Shin to nuzzle softly at his neck, plant little kisses on the line of it. Very much not wanting anything further, just to give physical affection, closeness, acknowledging Shin's offering in acceptance of his ownership.

He couldn't bring himself to think it was a mistake, but... He had to do better. Shin deserved better than this. Right now, getting him through this was the only priority, but he'd clearly gotten too comfortable and messed up. It couldn't happen again.

* * *

The prickle of Drifter's beard and the movement of his mouth... Those were something hurtful in a minor way, to sensitive skin. But then, he felt so hot and dazed and Drifter was cool. Soothing, even as it wound him up.

In the back of his mind, something stirred. Sent a wave of positive feeling, more careful than the ones before. Maybe because it still nauseated him, still added to the mess of complex and tangled _feeling_ that still churned in him. But it forced a brief smile, a sigh and a draining of tension.

This was Drifter's to do, too. He could- he could keep Shin like this forever if he chose. And he'd hate it, but he probably wouldn't say no. That should worry him, that he was so willing to just allow Drifter whatever he wanted. But his head was so full of feelings that he couldn't even try to add more. So, acceptance. Made it a little easier to bear, the pain and shaking and sick. This was something that was happening, and he would accept it and get through it.

"Water," he mumbled, looking up at Drifter. Still felt sick, but his body was starting to hurt for it.

* * *

A little bit of tension going away with that sigh, his hunter's body not so coiled up now. That was good, a little progress. Drifter nodded when he asked for water, and separated himself from the man enough to grab the bottle. Also had to be a good sign, right?

He brought the bottle up to Shin's lips. "Open your mouth, sweetheart?" The hunter's hands were still grabbing at Drifter's coat, and he didn't want to take them away to make him hold the water when he could help with it. Besides, caring for him in little ways like this always pleased Drifter, and his hunter knew it, so it was an easy opportunity for him to be good, do as he was told, and maybe feel a bit better for it.

* * *

He obeyed; didn't know what else to do, and he didn't know if he should be worrying over whether he should do what Drifter told him to do any more. Hadn't they done this before? Had this exact same worry? His head felt thick and useless and he couldn't tell if he was right or not.

He tried not to taste too heavily the acrid sick still coating his tongue, glad that it would be at least more dilute if it happened again. That his mouth might be clean. Couldn't speak with his mouth open, but he tried to rearrange his features into something that expressed gratitude. The tears might be ruining the effect, but he couldn't help that.

* * *

Drifter helped Shin drink some water, in small sips, making sure he didn't choke on it, until he had finished about half the bottle. It was left to the side again, since it was probably a good idea to see if Shin could keep it down before giving him too much.

"That's it, darlin'. Thank you." The Lightbearer kissed the hunter's cheek again, hand still softly resting on the nape of his neck, which he'd used to guide his head as Shin drank the water. "Already getting a bit better, see? It's gonna be alright."

* * *

He felt ill, properly ill, but the crying seemed to... he wasn't sure. Crying normally left him feeling empty, hollowed out. And it was, somewhat. Everything was still too much, but it helped some even though it also made him miserable. His chest ached. There was still too much in his head though, and only the fact that Drifter wanted him to get through it kept him from letting his ghost turn off his thought processes entirely.

He should probably stop just running away from his problems like that, shouldn't he? A lurch, and he very deliberately breathed through his nose. He was keeping this down, he wanted to keep this down. He was _meant_ to be rehydrating, Drifter wanted him to not throw up so he wasn't going to.

It helped, a little. He didn't throw up anyway, so he'd count it as a win. "Ok," he managed, the closest thing to a promise he could muster. "Trying."

* * *

He smiled, with just a little sadness on it. Couldn't help it, while seeing Shin like this. His strong, determined hunter, doing his best because Drifter had asked it of him, even when this horrible thing he was going through was Drifter's own fault.

"I know, sweetheart. Tryin's all I can ask, that's enough." Affectionate reassurances and physical closeness seemed to be all the help he could offer right now, and Drifter really hoped that'd be enough as well. "Love you so much."

* * *

Drifter looked sad. Like he was lying too, keeping it all in, and in the back of Shin's skull the claim tugged. Directionless, useless, an empty and wordless announcement that things were wrong. That Drifter wanted, and Shin couldn't give him whatever it was. The grief and guilt resounded through him, and he clung tighter.

"Stop it," he bit down on the inside of his own cheek, hard, trying his best to focus eyes that didn't want to comply. "Not your fault." It was almost angry, maybe. A little broken. He hated that he was still shaking, that his body wasn't under his control. Weakness, pity, guilt and shame. There were so many emotions and Drifter didn't need to be feeling this much.

* * *

It managed to catch him by surprise, though maybe Drifter should have expected it. He'd thought he could push the sadness and the guilt at the back of his mind, and hide them well, at least for now, given that Shin had so much to deal with in his own head already. But well, hadn't all of this happened because of the increasing strength of their bond? It made sense that Shin would still pick up on how he was truly feeling.

"I'm sorry." Drifter said, voice just a little strained, trying to find a tone that was honest, but without making things worse. Felt hard. "It is, though. My fault. All of it." He averted his gaze, shook his head a little. "We can talk about that when you feel better, though."

* * *

He shook his head, regretted it immediately as the pressure behind his eyes spiked for a moment. "Y'didn't mean it. Were tryin' to help." Hard to be taken seriously when he was still weeping, still hiccupping sobs. The emotions were still there, snarling in on each other. Eating away at them both, and Shin wondered if they were this bad for Drifter. Whether the mess in his head was amplifying them, if he'd even feel them so strongly if he wasn't so hopped up on feeling.

"Need to fuckin'-" he shook, whimpered just a little. Tried to recover himself. "_Stop_ beating yourself up all the time." A pull, weak but present, against Drifter coat.

* * *

"I didn't fuckin _think_." It came out harsher than he intended, and he swallowed, hard, trying to reign it all in again. Could feel his heart pounding, chest tight. It didn't help that he knew what he was feeling was only a portion of what Shin had to deal with now because of him, filtered down through the claim. "I didn't think, I didn't ask you, Shin. I thought I knew better and I could help and instead I messed it up, made you suffer."

Why couldn't the hunter understand that? Drifter didn't know how to make him see it, didn't know if it was possible right now. But it was upsetting him further, clearly, and lying wouldn't help at all. If he agreed without truly feeling it, Shin would know. "I don't. Not all the time. But I'm not... Sometimes I deserve it, darlin'. Right now, I know I do."

* * *

A flinch. An automatic bolt of fear, just a tiny reaction to the anger in Drifter's voice. One that ballooned in his chest, because everything was happening so _much_, had him almost expecting a slap. Well, a gunshot. That was how people reacted when they were angry with Vale or Shin or the Renegade. But from Drifter, less fatal. He knew Shin _liked_ fatal, just a bit.

Come on, reign it in. Nobody's going to hit you. He looked up, tried to shove down the fear. Pointless, unhelpful.

"Was panicky," he pointed out, heart pounding. "Couldn't've asked properly. It's ok." He swallowed, pressed his forehead and wet face back against Drifter's shoulder. "S'not _helpful_."

At the end of the day, kicking yourself in the teeth over and over for perceived fuckups... It hurt more than it helped. Had Shin worrying, had Drifter wallowing and bitter and made Shin try to make him feel better about hurting him when all he wanted was to just... Just not do it again. Try learn. That was it, for him. He'd take a lot of shit as long as that happened.

* * *

The breath he had been taking in caught in his throat when he saw Shin's flinch, came out in a shaky exhale, a small noise. Trying to make his voice softer, his stomach churning. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm not angry. It's all ok."

He looked back into the hunter's eyes. If he let go of the anger at himself (which he had to, or it'd only hurt Shin further) it became harder to deal with the sadness, and the anxious, vague fear. Harder to keep it from getting closer to the surface. "I know you're right, it's not helpful. It's all a mess, in my head, too." As Shin pressed back into his shoulder, Drifter pet his hair, tried to keep his hand from shaking. "But you don't gotta worry about that. I'll do better, I promise. Anythin' you want, dear. Anythin' if it helps."

* * *

Shin exhaled slow and shaky against him, tried to still the tremble in his shoulders. It was reducing, just a little. Maybe his body was just too physically exhausted to keep going, having spent all its energy like this. That would make sense. He hadn't used any light, any dark. Hadn't trusted it, not if his mind didn't work. Power in Shin's hands when he wasn't himself went poorly, always had.

"Just don't wanna do this again," he said, muffled against the coat. A request, really. _Please don't._ The hand in his hair was calming at least, combined with the physical exhaustion. "And don't be upset." Not only because it was raw on Shin's own mind.

He leaned back, looked up through blurry eyes. "C'n I try sleep through?"

Sometimes brain stuff was bad to sleep with, wasn't it? He was so tired though, visibly drooping. Wanted to pass out and maybe die along the way.

* * *

He nodded emphatically, even though Shin couldn't see it. "Never again, I promise you that." Drifter would do anything to avoid putting his hunter through this again. "Can't promise not to be upset, but I am doin' my level best, sweetheart. All I want is for you to be ok, I know everthin' will be alright then."

Sleep did sound like a good idea right now. Drifter did feel exhausted as well, after everything. Another nod, a small one this time, as he leaned close to Shin. Kissed him on the lips, brief and sweet, not caring in the slightest about the residual bad taste on them. "Please, yes, let's try and get some rest. Just gotta promise to wake me up if y'need anythin', ok?"

* * *

Ok. Ok, thank fuck. Assuming this wasn't permanent, assuming that he was fixable, he wouldn't have to feel this much ever again. He trusted Drifter, knew he'd keep to it if Shin asked. So it was ok. It would probably be ok. The relief washed over him, slumped his shoulders and dropped his face back against Drifter's coat for a second. "S'alright. 'M gonna be fine."

Wasn't a lie if he made it true.

Drifter always did his best. Shin knew he did. He was trying, constantly. Too hard, sometimes. Had to wear a guy out. That was probably why he was gonna be sleeping too, it would make sense. The hunter didn't kiss back, lips still a little too numb and clumsy for it. The warmth it sent through him helped a little, and he managed a small smile.

"Promise," he mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“The other brother only wants to stitch you back together. The _  
_sun shines down. It’s a beautiful day.”_  
\- Richard Siken


End file.
